Deepen Your Experience of Love

Candles in Love

The most difficult problem we all have with love is what to do when the love we needed growing up was not given to us for one reason or another. If you are lucky enough to heal that loss in the course of your life, you’ll be able to love and receive love more easily in adulthood.

If you haven’t healed it, chances are you’ll have some kind of ‘defense’ set up to protect yourself against any further losses in love. Problem here is, that defense now gets in the way. Let’s talk about the most common ‘defense’ against the expected pains of love.

‘Narcissism’ is the word we have for a defense people use to protect themselves from being hurt again by love. A narcissistic person is someone who has not gotten over the disappointments in love he or she has experienced earlier in life.

As a consequence of this disappointment, and the need to protect against further hurt and disappointment, the person losses interest in the feelings and needs of others and becomes exclusively interested in making himself or herself feel good. Now it’s all about, me!

The narcissistic person has essentially lost faith in the possibility of someone else giving him or her genuine love in a genuine loving relationship. What other people can offer has now been degraded to admiration, approval, or simple attention. Whatever you can give me that will make me feel good about me.

As you can imagine, natural needs for love will be pretty frustrated in such a person’s relationships and lifestyle. The narcissistic person is never truly satisfied with all the ‘safer’ substitutes for love they try to find.

The ‘cure’ for this love-life condition has to involve healing the disappointments that have occurred earlier in life. Starting with an honest recognition and understanding of the disappointment that occurred, after that comes the recognition that there are all kinds of ‘resources’ inside that can help you get over the empty feeling you have (empty=I didn’t get the love I needed) and get that coveted feeling of fulfillment.

One of those internal resources is your ‘ability to love and be loved.’ This ‘love’ ability is there at birth and never leaves you. Of course, tragically, you can go through your life never realizing it’s in there.

Another one of those internal resources is the fact of your ‘unique individuality.’ What this means is that you are a unique person without the chance of replication ever in the course of time, before you, now, or in the future. By the way, check your thumbprints if you don’t believe me. One of a kind means priceless.

That uniqueness distinguishes you as a priceless individual, and this is the important part, whether or not other people in your life understood your true value. You see, whether or not they loved you the way they were supposed to is not as important as the fact of your uniqueness.

Of course, as a child you probably didn’t know that and you focused primarily on the absence of their love. Now as an adult, you get a chance to pay closer attention to what truly matters.

Once again, it’s not whether or not other people appreciate your ‘value.’ Your ‘value’ is inherent and the consequence of being the unique individual you naturally are and were meant to be.

Of course, once you realize the truth of what I am saying, you’ll start to apply it to others. You’ll become aware of their uniqueness and value as well.

Now your world starts to change, it starts to look a little more loving. You won’t feel so emptied of love. You’ll realize you have love to give because it’s already inside of you.

Your love was never supposed to come from other people anyway. It was in you from the beginning and it’s yours to give.

Once you get there in your understanding about yourself, giving and receiving love will be easier to do again or for the very first time. When you recognize your own uniqueness and inherent value, other people’s love is no longer threatening.

You’ll be better able to recognize the love you have inside, whether someone else’s love is given to you or not.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan

Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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