Sneaking Around With A Married Woman

Loving a married woman is dangerous for two reasons. The first reason I’ll mention briefly in this post and refer you for more details to an earlier post entitled, “I Love A Married Woman.

Danger #1: Simply put, the first danger involves the fact that your lover is married. Now you might like that state of affairs at the beginning. You’ll probably say to yourself that a ‘part-time’ relationship is a relief and fits into your current love-life pretty well.

Trouble is, this relief you’re talking about will only last until you ‘fall in love.’ If you don’t fall in love, then there is only one danger. Skip this part and go to danger #2.

If you do fall in love, you have to understand that a condition of ‘triangulated’ love relationships (that’s you, her, and her husband in a triangle) is that all three people stay connected in that triangle. What I’m trying to tell you is that she will probably not want to leave her husband.

Worse yet, your presence in her life depends upon keeping him. I’m sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow. For those of you not sure what I’m talking about. Let me put it this way, you exist in her love-life because she is not dealing with her marital problems in any healthy and constructive way.

The only way she would possibly leave her marriage would be is she first deal with her marital problem and that would mean, leaving you, and going back to her marriage and making a decision whether or not to stay or to go. You get the possibility of a ‘normal’ love relationship with her, meaning no triangle, if and when she becomes a ‘single’ woman again.

Otherwise you’re in a triangle, whether or not she even really spends any time with her husband or is intimate with him. It doesn’t matter. Emotionally she’s married until she’s not. So danger #1 is, you fell in love with a married woman who (currently) can’t love you as much as you need her to.

Danger #2: Now the second danger is you and she could get caught. I suppose there are a good number of triangles out there where the husband knows his wife is having an affair and doesn’t care or he cares but does nothing about it. He’s content to stay in the triangle as is indefinitely. If you’re up for it, you could conceivably have a long-term ‘limited’ triangular relationship for a good many years. Whose to say this is good or bad. It’s your love-life, right?

I want to talk more about a triangle where the husband does not know his wife is having an affair because it’s hidden. You are sneaking around with another man’s wife, or at least this is the feeling.

Now the danger here is not only you could get hurt, but that she could get hurt too. Chances are, if her husband is taken by surprise and he’s physically weaker than you are, he’ll try to hurt her in whatever way his personality and value system permits. If he’s stronger or bigger than you, and you aren’t into physical pain, you should make yourself scarce.

For some people marriage is a possessive ritual (in fact that’s how it got started). A husband with this kind of value system (and many people have it and don’t know it until something happens) will be compelled to go after you. This of course gets compounded by whatever ‘ego thing’ is going on. You know, machismo stuff.

What gets forgotten in all of this is that you are not his problem. She is. He (as her husband) has been avoiding his marital problems too. So if he finds out his wife is having an affair with you and goes after you, he’s still not dealing with his marital problem.

What her husband needs to do is decide whether or not to stay married to a woman who no longer loves him or loves him less than she used to. So danger #2 is, you and/or she could get hurt. Take care of yourself.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan

Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

1 Comment

  1. Bernard on October 1, 2019 at 8:02 am

    Excellent article. I’m facing some of these issues as well..

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