Older Men & Younger Women
For some older men, younger women are the coveted ‘fountain of youth.’ Especially for a man who has reason to try to avoid the ‘work’ required to maintain a growing together, fixing problems, learning how to communicate to each other relationship. Some men think that finding a younger woman will remedy all that and be generally a easier time. Maybe, maybe not.
The inevitable age difference will influence your love relationship, you can count on it. The question is are you ready for it? You may be thinking that a younger woman will give your life quotient a boost. We’ll see how you do.
In the meantime, you’ll have to figure out why this younger woman has chosen you. If you ignore that question, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be forced to answer it one way or the other.
Is she there for your money? With age comes the possibility of accumulated wealth. She might think you’re a great meal ticket at least for a time, a ‘sugar Daddy.’ That would mean you’ve made a less than conscious agreement to make money available to meet the cost of available companionship and sex if needed.If there is sufficient chemistry in such arrangements the relationship can grow a feeling of comfort and even friendship over time. But it will come to a predictable ending.
Is she there for the learning? If you’re wise and you’ve got the diplomas and position to prove it, you might attract a younger woman looking for a chance to develop herself. Getting involved with you can feel like an internship of some kind. Your obligation is to teach, to mentor, and guide your young protege in the arts of life and love. You get the coveted youthful affection and admiration you seek with ‘benefits’ for your efforts.
Generally, this kind of teach me for love arrangement eventually leads to a feeling of frustration that the level of interaction is too superficial to be fulfilling in the long-term. It’s either that or she leaves you after filling up with whatever knowledge and experience you possessed that she wanted for herself whether or not you’re ready to let her go.
In this later situation, you end up with the distinct feeling that you’ve been used. Of course, you might not care. You might have anticipating the course of events. You went along for the ride.
If we take this sort of love union to the psychological depths, we get to the despicable phrase ‘father-figure.’ The assumption here is that a younger woman seeking an older man will always have father issues at least in the background. Something like, a father who abandoned the parenting of a young daughter or remained in her life but would not or could not love her.
Father issues translate into a need and effort to get the love she didn’t receive in childhood and/or adolescence. The idea is, to resolve a loss by arranging a ‘substitution.’ You be my Daddy now so that I won’t feel the loss of my Daddy when I was young.
The sad part about this is, it always ends up being hurtful and a grand waste of time. Especially if the motivation to find someone to act this out remains fixated and doesn’t evolve into other more useful relationships. Another way to say this is, finding a substitution may have been the original reason for seeking out the relationship, it just can’t stay that way. If it does, disappointment is inevitable. The worst kind of disappointment too. The kind that gets mixed up with old hurts from the past.
Assuming that the young woman is not there for money or tutoring, the only real chance an older man and younger woman have of making love work and last is to find their way out of this effort to redo the past in the present. To acknowledge to themselves and each other that they are together for the ‘chemistry’ that emerged regardless of their ages.
The beautiful thing here is the way in which love surpasses even age. Remember, love is that unpredictable and uncontrollable emotion that can show up anywheres between anybodies. Not even age differences can stop it. If the two people are ‘prepared’ for that love they are both feeling, love has a chance to grow.
What happens when this illusory effort to redo the past gets frustrated and undone? After a little grieving a loss, you get a chance to really grow up and be the adult person you are. No more looking to fix the past. The point of adulthood is to enjoy the fact that you’re where you are now. And of course your capacity to take care of yourself and others is there for you too. You just have to use it to make it a regular and sturdy part of your life.
So neither you nor your younger lover get to rework the past. What you can do is enjoy the fact that love showed up unannounced in the present.
Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan