Meet Your New Lover: Rules of Engagement I

You are a single person looking for a lover. You’re in a single situation with other single people who are socializing. There are single people all around. You want to improve your ability to meet a lover. What are the rules of engagement?

There are six (6) rules of engagement you should know about. They apply to any and every single person looking for love. If you heed these rules of engagement the possibility of meeting a potential lover increases.

I’m going to talk about the first three rules in this post (Part I) and the last three in the next post (Part II). Ready? These are the first three rules of engagement:

1. Don’t look or show your hunger for love. Visible ‘need’ scares people away. When you first meet someone as a ‘potential lover’ don’t look or act needy. People instinctively know when someone is hungry for love. Ordinarily, neediness scares eligible lovers off.

It sends the message that you are not able to sustain yourself comfortably. That’s a matter of self-love. It also tends to attract people who have ‘issues’ with neediness. They either want to take care of a needy person or the hate it and want to fix it.

Either way, it’s a formula for a bad love relationship. Whatever you need to do to feel more comfortable in your own skin ‘before’ you go looking for love, do it.

2. Don’t look or show frustration. Visible ‘frustration’ also scares people away. Need and emotions like frustration and anger have something in common. They make other people uncomfortable. Unless that’s your conscious intention, this is not the state of mind to go looking for love.

Love-life frustration means you have been trying to find love without success and you’re not happy about that. A self-sustained optimism coming from a receptive and interactive person is the best state of mind to take with you into the hunting fields.

3. Always hunt in a pack. Solo hunters are often avoided because they are perceived as too hungry or frustrated. In the single love search, perception is a big part of what people experience. In other words, the assumptions made about people (you) will create the experiences they will have of you.

I’m not saying their perceptions are accurate. I’m just saying, the assumptions are being made and you need to know it and deal with it. Eligible people in a socializing situation among strangers, want the reassurances that come with group membership. If you’re in a group (2 +), you are at least acceptable to one other person.

Now if you can’t arrange for this and you have to hunt alone, try to join a group that is already formed. I know it’s difficult because familiars who gather together in public often keep strangers out. For the sake of the hunt, if you can befriend a member of a group (common interests, etc) and your presence does not forecast hunger or frustration, you may be allowed (limited?) access to the conversations taking place.

You’ll get a tentative pass that will permit you a chance to communicate your ideas and understand the ideas of others in the group. Now you are in a better position to assess the eligibility of each group’s members.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan




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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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