How Long Do I Wait For A Proposal?
You meet someone, fall in love, date, move in, (maybe even have a kid or two – optional), OK so when are you supposed to receive a proposal of marriage? More than a few women have showed up in my office depressed and angry about being in a love relationship with a man who keeps putting off a marital commitment. They tell me they have everything else in place. When the topic of marriage comes up, they (the women) get reassurances that it will happen but no definite date if that can be avoided and it usually is.
In some extreme cases the relationship has gone on for years, living together, even rearing children together, while dodging a commitment of marriage. To add a little biological complication to the matter, your age will be an important factor. Older people are bound to feel this one a bit more acutely. Who has a lot of time to waste in middle-age? Think of it this way, the pain of a break up because you’ve come to the conclusion that you are not on the same page is bad enough. Never mind adding the extra pain of realizing you’ve wasted a lot of time as well.
I like to tell my female patients who are looking for a husband to have a “time limit” in mind. Usually the older the woman, the shorter the time limit if marriage is the objective. A common time limit for women in their late 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s is one year, tops. At the one year mark an honest and direct conversation needs to take place where the topic of marriage is the “exclusive focus.”
The response you’ll receive to the question, “Are we getting married?” will either be a 1. “Yes,” 2. “No,” or 3. “I’m not sure.” The last two responses usually require that your next move be a planned departure as soon as possible. If you get response number one, the next question required is, “When?” You’ll either get 1. an exact date or 2. an approximate date, or 3. an “I’ll let you know.” The last response requires that departure plan I mentioned a moment ago as soon as possible. If you get response number one, Congrats! If you get response number two, give your lover an “exact date” that YOU will be leaving the relationship. Of course this is always a bit difficult to do but in the long run it’s the only way you’ll get enough respect to actually be considered as a potential spouse.
Otherwise, as the old saying goes….why buy the cow?
Comments welcome. Dr. Jordan
I am turning 51 y in October. I did exactly this , set boundaries, ended the relationship, walked away…5 years of hope and still no commitment, I waited so long BC of an age gab. I am defeated. With 45 years I already knew what would be taken away, the chance to have a child, I was pregnant but got convinced into abortion. I cried for 3 years and the pain lingers on. On and off relationship, marriage promises kept me bound, a promise ring I got for the engagement ring that he said he bought already, but I have never even seen that miraculous ring, , 2 years later I still do not have it. Now it’s 2024 and he is back in my life after 4 month of no contact and an other 7 weeks went by while he says this time he is serious he wants to engage. I honestly feel broken by every day that goes by. I do love him very much but I slowly slide into depression again. Every laughter , every moment we spend together weights heavy and I can’t really enjoy it or fully trust. I feel like the cow that gets older every day and goes straight to the butcher seeing life ends . I am stupid and I know I should go. It hurts so bad.
Hi Francis, Thank you for sharing your heartfelt comment on my blog. Unfortunately, this is not an experience I have not heard of before. It happens too often to people who are sincere about wanting a healthy love relationship to progress. The problem is some people have unresolved intimacy issues that keep them from being able to form a commitment. They do everything short of this and as a consequence can keep the person who has fallen in love with them on hold indefinitely. Promises and disappointments with separations and reconnections without the commitment that would allow the relationship to progress. The problem is this can go on indefinitely. After a time, the only real solution is a self-preservation one. To avoid the tragedy of wasting one’s love life because one’s partner cannot commit is a tragic situation that is best avoided. I would recommend that you seek a short-term counseling situation where the focus is exclusively on what you’ll need to do emotionally to set a limit on your partner. Being in love with someone and the amount of time we have devoted to a relationship can convince us to remain in an indefinite not yet committed relationship for too long. Look at it this way, if and when you give him an ultimatum, telling him to make a move to secure a love commitment or the relationship ends permanently, will allow you to see whether he is truly capable of committing. For some people, commitment takes place when they feel they are about to “really” lose the person they love. If he does not commit, leave and stay away. Any effort he makes to get back after you have left should be considered toxic. Your task from that point on would be to strengthen how you feel about yourself, what you have to offer in a love relationship, and when you are healed and ready to move on, the possibility of finding another relationship with someone who can commit. Be well. Dr. Jordan
I am glad that this article popped up in my search…
I am 43 and my partner of 7+ months is 42. We are both divorced (mine was 2008 and his was 2015). I have 1 adult child living on her own and he has no children.
I didn’t expect to meet him and have such a strong connection – fortunately, we both have been in therapy and have really done great at our conflict resolution and communication (always room for improvement though!).
I want to get married. I have always envisioned my life with a partner – a best friend, companion, lover…through thick and thin. Both of us come from families with parents who are still married (mine for 54 years and his for 40-ish years). I believe we both entered our marriages with the expectation that we’d be committed forever.
I had written marriage off – until I met him. And now I have this anxiety about getting engaged…here’s the rub. I was with a man for 4 years (2016 – 2020) where I made it extremely clear that I wanted to get married – I agreed to him moving in and stated that I expected a ring on my finger within a year or two. That time came and went – and it never happened. I wont go into the details of why we split, but it was long overdue.
I do not want to go for 4 years (or more) without a ring on my finger! I like the idea of the talk at the 1 year mark (for us, currently, that’ll be New Years). But here’s my question – do I tell him this? I don’t want to surprise him on NYE with an ultimatum – that’s cruel, isn’t it? Or should I approach it more subtly like “by our 1 year anniversary, NYE, I think we need to make serious decisions about our relationship” – but that sounds like it’s pressured as well.
Can you help?
Hi Tess, Thank you for your comment. Commitment is a wonderful aspect of true intimacy. Marriage is the most indepth form of commitment possible. However, commitment can be scary for some people. Past disappointments in particular can delay or put off a commitment for some people. You overcame your commitment fears and from what you have written, appear ready to try again. I’m not sure about your partner. Some people with commitment fears try to stay in a “relationship without commitment.” This usually involves trying to be with someone, “committed without formal commitment.” What is usually avoided is the fact that formal commitment is true commitment. You are at the point where you need to find out if your partner can truly commit, as in marry. Is he able to get beyond his past love life disappointments, to correct mistakes made in the earlier love relationship and try again with you? Given the fact that you need to know soon, if you wait too long resentments will build and it will inevitably damage the relationship anyway. So now is the time to create a topic of conversation called commitment. What I mean is make a talking point in your relationship. Best way to do this is to tell your partner what you “need.” Ask him to listen and his comments will tell you if he will willing and ready to move forward. Don’t fight about it. Talk about it. Pressure is trying to get someone to change. That you cannot do. No one can change another person when they don’t want to change. You need to know what he is capable of. If after a series of conversations he avoids, obstructs, makes multiple excuses, is made uncomfortable, gets frustrated or angry, tries to change the topic, etc., I would consider your options. You can accept the relationship as is, or tell him you have to move on and look for what you need elsewhere. That is a choice only you can make. A little footnote: sometimes men don’t really realize what they have until she starts walking out the door. Not always, but sometimes, a man who is not committing will feel the impending loss and realize he’s about to lose too much and it is time to give something more to keep her. I recommend starting the conversations before the 1st of the year. And have more than one. Good luck with this. I would be interested in the outcome if you’d like to shot me another comment. Be well, Dr. Jordan
Hi, I am 57, my partner is 54. We have been in a relationship for 3 years, he moved in with me 2 years ago.
He says that he wants to marry me, he even bought an engagement ring 3 months ago, but still hasn’t proposed. Whenever I bring the subject up of when is he going to propose, he gets angry with me and says he will do it when he is ready and that I am not to mention it again. Previously he mentioned maybe he will propose in 3-4 years time. I have told him that I am not getting any younger, and that I feel that he only bought the e ring to shut me up, and that I don’t want to be like his ex. When we first started dating, he told me that he was with his ex for 2 years, but never really wanted to be with her. He met her on a rebound.
He also recently met up with his daughter who he lost contact with for 13 years. On his first meeting with her, he didn’t have a positive word to say to her about me.
Are my over reacting, or do you think that my partner just doesn’t feel that way about me?
Hi Trisha, Thank you for your comment and questions. First off, you have the right to be concerned about commitment at 57 and you have the right to asks questions about it of your partner, no one should tell you otherwise (like “I am not to mention it again”). His difficulty accepting that reality worries me. Because of the importance of time, the older we get, proposals in our later years are kind of like a “mutual” experience. If you are going to spend time with someone waiting for some kind of action, make sure it’s limited time and you can move on if the action is not taken. Otherwise you risk losing time and opportunities. Proposals, left only for the man to do, puts older women in a position of excessive vulnerability to rejection if your partner wants to, as they say, “have his cake and eat it too.” A female patient of mine years ago said it another way to me, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” The details you provided in your comment about your partner’s ex and daughter tell you that he can and has walked away from commitments. I think it is time to have an open and direct dialogue with your partner about how long you can remain in the relationship the way it is (your time-line). That you have a need to be committed and need to know that he is in the relationship for that reason. If during this difficult but important conversation, you hear things that tell you he is, good. If you hear things that tell you that he wants the relationship to be indefinitely uncommitted, I would move on. Remember, you have the right to talk about your love life even if the person you are talking to gets uncomfortable, frustrated, anger, etc. Let me know how you do. Good luck, Dr. Jordan
Hi there, Dr. Jordan:
Well, sadly, I have decided to end the relationship. We have survived a lot of difficult things in life – and I was certain I would get a proposal sometime during the holidays. But the holidays came and went and there was no proposal. I was very clear – I told him that all I wanted for Christmas was the proposal. I told him several times that I thought we were ready. And still nothing…and it was baffling me!
Unfortunately, I learned some hard truths – his mother, while she was complaining to me about his situation, revealed that she and her husband (his father) still support him financially. He had kept that from me this entire time and, as we were discussing marriage, I find that unacceptable. I understand that this is probably why he would not propose- it would have meant being honest and coming clean with me about his $ situation. This, combined with a whole laundry list of other things, finally caused me to end the relationship. Some of these things include issues with hygiene, ED, lack of career motivation, and generally taking me and my efforts for granted.
In the beginning of the relationship, he told me he was “broke” – while I earn a very healthy income. I told him I didn’t care – that I have had men in my past make it an issues (that I earn more than they do) and that I expect open honesty about money so that it isn’t a “thing.” Hiding it from me made it a “thing” – and even all this while, hiding his lies from me, he made small little cutting remarks about my income and being “corporate” and so on. It was always a “joke” – but as we know, there is a small amount of truth in every “joke.”
I realized that he is stuck in the past and still not over his divorce (10 years ago). While he continues to stay stagnant, I have grown immensely. I am very happy with my life, with what I have going on, and will move on. I will also stick to the 1 year approach- I don’t want to continue to date these kind of men who are emotionally immature and waste my time.
Thank you for your blog- I will continue to refer to this as I move forward.
Thank you Tess for the heartfelt understanding you have shared on my blog. I believe the decision you have made is for the best. Liberate yourself and take care of you while being open to someone who is capable and willing to appreciate you and exchange love. Good luck. Keep us informed, Dr. Jordan
Hi Dr Jordan.
I’m so happy I’ve seen this article.
I am 31 years old, turning 32 in a few months. He is 32. We’ve been together for two and a half years.
I can relate to the previous comments in so many ways. After a few months of dating we’ve pretty much been on the same page on the topic of marriage. A year and a half in, I brought up the topic. He was a bit upset and his reason for not proposing was he doesn’t feel financially ready to provide for me (even though I have a job and we are living together) He told me to give him six months.
It’s been more than six months and every time I bring up the topic, it turns into a fight and his reasons changes every time. 1 – I need to show him that I can financially bring something to the table. 2 – I’m not communicating good enough. And the current reason is, he doesn’t want to deal with my family. He comes from a broken household where I grew up with parents that are still together. He basically has written off his mom. She left them when he was very young.
About two months ago he asked my dad for my hand but also wanted it to be kept a secret from me. (my dad told me) In the meantime, (very excited) I started looking at venues etc while pretending to not know a thing. My parents are very conservative Christians, so living together before marriage for them is a big no no. They started to ask me for dates for the wedding and I tried, in a subtle way to get it out of my partner. He didn’t wanted to give me a date. This is where I reached a point where I just wanted to take a break and go live with my sister. He told me if I go, I should never come back. I love him but sometimes I feel like I’m his mother that he never had. (cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry) His reason for not helping is because he’s got ADHD and he needs to focus on his work. Sometimes I feel emotionally manipulated. When we’re in a fight, I’m always the one in the wrong. He hardly ever say sorry.
There is still a lot to be said but I’ll end it here. He currently doesn’t trust my family because they have told me, which is understandable but I feel like the goal post of marriage gets postponed every time.
Yes, I know I’m young but one of my biggest dreams is to get married and have a family of my own.
Hi Jane, Thanks for your comment. I can understand your struggle to stay in your relationship even though you are not getting a clear and definite promise of marriage. I think the important thing to remember is that your struggle should have a definite timeline. In other words, a person in your position needs to have some sense of how long you will remain in a relationship that is not giving you what you need. Otherwise, you could remain chronically unhappy in a relationship you can’t let go off that is not progressing beyond a certain point. Too often people who are not emotionally ready for a marital commitment (like your partner) try to maintain a relationship where they are not fully committed. This type of relationship can waste a lot of precious time if there is no timeline. In my work I have witnessed a resolution when the unhappy partner (you) says “enough” and ends the relationship. This can “force” the ambivalent fearful partner to take a serious look at their “intimacy fears” in order to retain the relationship. It is very common for people with intimacy/commitment fears to avoid taking the problem seriously until they have to. And too common for unhappy partners to avoid the necessary risk of losing the relationship by standing up for what they need. Good luck Jane, Dr. Jordan
Hi Doctor, so I (Male, 34) met my girlfriend (Female, 53) about 1.5 years ago, and we’ve been dating for one year. I had never wanted to get married before, but I quite literally knew I wanted her to be my wife the moment I met her. She was married for 18 years, and divorced in 2014 after her husband cheated. I have never openly proposed, rather just asked if she’d be open to remarrying. When I first brought it up (4 months) it was a solid no. I revisited it with her after another 4 month, and it had changed to “I highly doubt it, I’ve done it already.” Not long after that, she said “I love you” for the first time. While we were on vacation about a month ago, the topic came up again, this time her response was “I’m not quite there, yet.”
She recently invited me to move in with her some time after New Years. So doc, before I make that commitment, do you think that I have a chance? I am madly in love with this woman, and I want to be her husband. I am ready, willing, and able to care for her for the rest of our lives.
Hi Chris, Thanks for sharing your love life experience. Sounds like you are in love with her. You know, living together for a while when you are in love, before marriage, can be a great little experiment to make sure that the two of you are “compatible.” It’s not just the love we feel that makes a love relationship healthy and long lasting. It’s also the type of relationship we form and keeping it healthy over time. Sounds like your GF may be a bit wary of commitment because of the cheating she experienced when married. Trust might be a bit hard for her at this time. The good news is that trust can be repaired. Especially if the two of you are willing to communicate about your relationship to each other as a regular part of being together. When “feelings” come up or problems, take time to talk to resolve them, together. She needs to realize that you are not him and that you could take better care of her heart. Good luck to you both. Dr. Jordan
Hello Dr. Jordan! I am 57 and my boyfriend is 65. We met online 4 years ago during the pandemic. We are in a mid distance relationship (we live 300 miles from one another). He was taking care of his sick mother on top of the pandemic, so we courted by video chat. We had much in common. He had been taking care of his mother and working before the pandemic. The first two years of our relationship, he took care of her full time, around the clock. I fully supported him and even began a friendship with his mom over video chat. Two years into our relationship, his dear mother died. We had only seen each other in person two times prior, as I went there just for a few hours to break the ice, then came home. We were exclusive after 6 months . He asked me a few times early on if I wanted to be married again. I was with my ex for 36 years and he had been the first and only man in my life up to then. After his mom died, he didn’t invite me there for the services. He didn’t give me details or anything. He was distraught. I thought he would lean on on me at that time, but he pushed me away. I visited him a month after her passing for a few days. I went on to visit him in his city 8 times. He was hesitant to visit me, often citing being nervous to travel. He’s an anxious guy and I get it. He’s come 3 times to my city in the last year. We have a great relationship. He asked me my ring size last year, I gave it to him. I though, ok, the proposal is coming, but every holiday and birthday came in between last year this time and this year and no proposal. So when I would bring it up, he’d change the subject. Then after a robust discussion, he tells me he’s has to get his mothers house in order first. It needs a ton of work and he doesn’t have enough income to have the work completed. And he is not handy. He moves quite slow and is quite the procrastinator. He also said he wanted to wait until we have been together a total of 10 years. 10 years!! I asked him does he remember how old he is and I am? He expects me to hang around for a relationship that is still solely on video chat for 6 more years at 57 years old? When I expressed my distaste with his timeline, he then said 2 years. Now he’s saying he’s not ready yet but knows I’m the perfect wife for him. He says he is not saying we will never get married, but to me, he may as well be. He never talks about me in his future plans. It’s always about him paying his bills and keeping up his mom’s house, not about us. He was very close with his mom. I feel like I will always be second to her. I haven’t ended the relationship, but I feel resentful and hopeless. I told him that I am not visiting him anymore until he has come here as many times I have been there. I also told him that if he’s not interested in getting married anytime soon, then we need to slow the relationship down. He hasn’t visited enough. I’m losing feelings for him, though I do love and care about him. I told him I consider him a good friend, while he still considers us boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him he has to step up his side of the relationship if we are to continue. He’s coming to visit for the holidays. I don’t want him to come with a shut up ring. I told him I want someone who can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. Someone who is like, heck yes, I want to marry you! He told me a few times that I only want to get married because my ex got married lady year and has a new baby. I was complete offended by that. He did apologize. I want to get married because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He’s asking for another chance, but I’m unenthused. I have lost 4 years that I can’t get back. I have a feeling that this is why his son’s mom cheated on him, because he was taking so long to marry her. I think this has been the case in his other long term relationships. He also noted that there was problems in previous relationships over his spending so much time doing things for his mom and dad. I’d love your take on this situation. Thank you!
Hi Sylvia,
Thank you for visiting my blog. Some people are conflicted about getting married because they have not yet separated from their family of origin. A person with this difficulty may flirt with the idea of marriage, even make promises, but ultimately avoid taking action because they are not fully emotionally committed. The difficulty is being able to determine when you are in a relationship with such a person. While they are making promises and going through the motions regarding the love relationship it may seem and feel real. So you wait. When waiting starts to become a problem, meaning, you get the feeling that the person is stretching out the time and avoiding the ultimate committed action of getting married, it is time to “set a limit.” Setting a limit means, by such and such a date, a committed action needs to take place (engagement, date of wedding, etc.). If not, it is time to leave. If you stay beyond the limit, then you are trying to ignore the obvious avoidance that is taking place. That’s never good, because it often results in a lot of wasted time. This is even more important when you are older and looking for love. Sometimes, setting a limit and sticking to it, “forces” a reluctant avoidant person to re-evaluate the need for the relationship. In other words, some people don’t know how they feel about someone until the last moment just before they are going to lose them. I can tell Sylvia, that you have a lot of spirit and want another chance at love. I would make a plan to get back out there. There are people in the world who are in a better position to commit and enjoy a healthy, intimate love relationship with someone like you. Remember, we can’t change people. They have to want to change themselves. And waiting for someone to change must have a limit, otherwise we can waste a lot of important time. Good luck, hope these ideas help. Dr. Jordan
Hi Dr. Jordan, I am 49, my boyfriend of almost 8 years is 54. We both have children from our previous marriages. From the beginning of our relationship he’s spent a lot of time at my home and with my children when he didn’t have his children. I have spent very little time with his children, we did a very poor job of blending our families. His parents live out of state, I’ve never met them either. I’ve made him feel welcome at my family gatherings. I definitely feel resentment over not being part of his life outside of my space.
Our children are now adults, we’ve had vague conversations about getting married and/or moving in together, but those vague timelines have come and gone. We have a complicated situation as we both have homes, it will take planning and big decisions to move things forward. It is usually me who initiates these conversations and they typically end up with nothing being figured out. We talk about spending our lives together but at times it is difficult for me to imagine what that would look like as I am still a stranger to his family. I’ve expressed how it makes me feel but nothing changes and nothing progresses. I am going to be 50 and feel like am at a point and I want to be able to plan for my future. Is it time for me to walk away?
Hi Sandra. Thank you for your heartfelt comment. Your situation is a bit lopsided. You should have met his family by now. The reason why you have not is a mystery worth decoding. Communication about such a thing will tell you what it will be like married to this gentleman. Successfully solving problems like this in a couple’s communication with each other is an important skill that determines the enduring health of a love relationship. Keeping a GF away from your family of origin for 8 years is suspect. If he does not arrange a meeting after you have complained vigorously if you know what I mean, I would take that as a built in limitation that you’ll have to accept or not. Unless he can come up with another reason (s) like they (family of origin) are too dysfunctional and he is trying to protect you from them (unlikely). Saying that you are going to be 50 tells me that you are watching the clock. If a man is satisfied with a limited love relationship and you are not, it’s time to go. Sometimes, when you make such an announcement, the person feels an impending loss and starts expressing his feelings. If that happens, take a look and determine whether he is in love with you but does not know how to handle it, hence the limitations. If this is the case, let him know that moving forward is absolutely necessary for the relationship to continue. If he wavers, time to move on. Good luck, Dr.Jordan
Hello,
I am 32 and my partner is 41. We have been together 9 years. We have lived together for 8 years and have a blended family. I have 2 girls (who know him as Dad, he is not their biological dad) and he has 3 boys. We have had multiple conversations of getting married and he says he does but always says ” I will when it’s time.” My rebuttal to him is “well, we have been together for 9 years wouldn’t you know by now?” I love him and I know he loves me but there is also a lack of intimacy as well. I just don’t understand what he is waiting for. We have both come from pretty traumatic past relationships but feel like we have got together after learning about life and love. I’m just stuck. Do I keep waiting it out or move on. It would hurt my girls to move on but don’t know if I can stay in a relationship that lacks intimacy and commitment.
Hi Mary, Thank you for the heartfelt comment on my blog. A 9 year relationship is a significant relationship. Plus your girls call him Dad, and each of you love the other, as well as you are living together for 8 years. You’d think with all those relationship pluses marriage would be a “piece of cake.” What I would be concerned about in your particular situation is, the traumatic backgrounds and the absence of “intimacy.” If you mean sexual intimacy (as opposed to emotional intimacy), which I believe you are referring to, it might be a way of limiting the depth of vulnerability experienced in the relationship. In other words, there are different ways of keeping a protective distance in a love relationship, especially while you are living with the person you are in love with. Avoiding sexual intimacy is one way of keeping some emotional distance in the relationship. Generally speaking, some people who have experienced “traumatic backgrounds” maintain a defensiveness in a love relationship because somewhere in the back of their minds they are predicting things might get hurtful. It is very common for a person who has been interpersonally traumatized to have love life issues. Basically, because a love relationship requires a “risk” and a willingness to be “vulnerable.” Staying single in a love relationship as long as possible is one way to protect yourself from being hurt again. This kind of “protection” is something some traumatized people require when they are in a love relationship, especially if the trauma is unresolved. When trauma is resolved, its aftereffects are not delaying commitment or intimacy in an adult love relationship. I would recommend that you prepare yourself for another even more serious conversation with your partner. This time you want him to know that you are even more serious about the issue of progressing in the relationship than ever before. He needs to feel that. Let him know that you are no longer able to tolerate the indefinite ambiguity of “I will when it’s time.” Given your circumstances, I would negotiate a serious timeline. If he has trouble doing that, it is probably a red flag that he wants a minimally committed relationship with limited intimacy. If he sets up a timeline then breaks it, that’s the same red flag, indicating he really wasn’t serious but wanted to placate you and keep things as they are. If he comes clean in the conversation and admits fear about going forward, saying he loves you but he’s too afraid to commit, I’d recommend therapy and give it a definite timeline. The therapy would focus on his fears of commitment, how past trauma is affecting his willingness to commit, etc. Good luck Mary. If you’d like, let me know what happens. Dr. Jordan
Hello, I am 34 and have been seeing this man for about a year. He has mentioned wanting to marry me several times, but nothing formal has happened. Our relationship is wonderful—he is caring, kind, and a true gentleman.
Around 6–7 months into our relationship, he casually brought up marriage a couple of times but never followed up. I later brought it up seriously and told him I wouldn’t wait indefinitely. In response, he said he was planning to propose within a couple of months, had been looking at rings, and would let me choose from some options before surprising me.
However, it has now been a month, and he hasn’t shown me any options or brought up the topic again. I feel heartbroken and am considering giving it a couple more months before deciding whether to move on. I’m torn about whether I should have one final discussion before breaking up or if I should just walk away.
I love him deeply, and he is truly a great person, but I also don’t want to seem desperate by pushing the conversation again.
Thank you Jenney for your comment. It is never desperation when you are looking after your own peace of mind and wanting a healthy love relationship. A person in your position has every right to ask questions about what is actually going on in your love life. If you are looking for a committed love relationship, it is important to make sure the person you are with is looking for that as well. Unfortunately, there are people who are not “ready” for a committed love relationship but enjoy the limited emotional and physical intimacy in a love relationship without real commitment. It is important to determine whether you are with such an individual, because undefined commitment can “waste your time.” You don’t want to be asking these same questions 5 years from now. When a man is “ready” for a committed love relationship the decision to marry is definite and without reservation. A year into a love relationship, you have the right to find out what his intentions are. I recommend you have the conversation. If he is unable to give you definite answers (commit to a reasonable time line, buy the ring, something definite) and make you feel that you are the “one, I would make a plan to move on. Sometimes, just before losing someone because of the lack of commitment, the uncommitted person feels the potential feeling of loss and realizes they do not want to lose the person who is leaving them. If this does not happen as a consequence of the conversation you are about to have, I would move on and not look back. Remember, communicating feelings in a love relationship and talking about the relationship (pros and cons) is not an act of desperation but a skill required to be in a healthy love relationship. And remember, his actions speak louder than his words. Good luck Jenny. If you like, let us know how it goes. Dr. Jordan
I’ve been with my BF for 6 years. We have 2 kids and he has a daughter I’ve been helping raise form his previous marriage. The first time I heard him say soon ( when someone asked him about proposing to me) was 3 years ago. When we got together he was separated and filing for his divorce. We went through the pandemic and things were backed up but he forgot despite reminders from me and 4 1/2-5 years went by. I found out last year it wasn’t finalized and it wasn’t until I cried and he realized how hurt I was did he go to the court house and finalize things.
Fast forward. He has gotten us sized about 2 years ago. Bought and picked out rings months ago. Still nothing. We recently went on vacation, I noticed he brought the rings so I got really excited. But unfortunately no proposal. Am I missing something? I can’t help but think it’s me.
Hi Yasmine, Thank you for your heartfelt comment. The only thing I think you can be held responsible for is your “tolerance.” Sometimes people are reluctant to make more commitments after they have gotten out of a marriage. This may be true of your BF. I believe it is usually a matter of not wanting to get hurt again. So as a consequence they are “slow” to make the jump into another marriage. The consequence is multiple unfulfilled promises and a struggle with the unexpressed anxiety that occurs at the prospect of taking the risk to marry again. You on the other hand are ready and waiting. I hope you noticed that you have a pretty powerful tool at your disposal….your feelings. When you cried it brought action. What that tells me is that your BF does not want to lose you. That gives you leverage to move forward. You would have to be willing and ready to “set limits” on his procrastination. The best way to do that is to sit him down and have a feelings oriented conversation with him. Tell him what you can and cannot do. A “timeline” would be necessary. It’s kind of like an emotional negotiation. Find out what he is prepared to give and what you are prepared to accept. Here’s the hard part, if he breaks the commitment again, the one you agree on as a result of this conversation I’m suggesting, you have to be prepared to walk. You know I’ve noticed over the years that sometimes some people don’t realize how much they love and need someone until the last minute just before he or she is walking out the door. I’m hoping this is not the case in your circumstance. If it is, you’d have to make a last minute decision based on what he is prepared to give (not promise to give). Good luck Yasmine. If you’d like, let me know how it goes. Dr. Jordan
I met him through a dating app and it’s been a year and 8 months since. Im 41 and he’s 37. We are both successful in our career and self sufficient. Both divorced, he has no kids and I have a college freshman young adult at home . We both have different faiths and we’ve talked about respecting each others belief however, he’s not a church goer as I am. He hasn’t made any issues when I attend church and he’s never showed interest of coming to my church ever. Which it’s ok, I am learning to be open minded.
Now, He’s always been present in the relationship, said I love you first, very generous with thoughtful gifts etc. He’s always there when I need him and makes me feel like I can rely on him. He will drop whatever and attend to me if needed. Offering his car for my safety you name it.
However, I feel that our relationship is somewhat superficial, lacking depth. We go out and do things together, cook, exercise, travel, etc. Yet, that’s it really! We don’t converse that much and he’s some what of an introvert and I can be too. From past experience I was use to ongoing conversations and texts, phone calls but this relationship is different and I can’t put my finger on it. We hang out, do things and then he drops me off and that’s it. Also, we aren’t really intimate regularly and I don’t know what to make of this. We’ve had our moments but 2 times in a month would be a lot.
I have made it clear that marriage is important to me and that I won’t live with a man if Im not married and he respected that and wanted that too. I met his mom finally a month ago and I feel that went well. He talks about the future, buying a home, sending links of homes, yet no proposal. I don’t know what to make of this and if this is something that might continue to linger in the unknown. I have friends who’ve been in 8 and 16 year relationships with no proposals and I don’t want that to be me. I want clarity and I don’t know how to address it again when it’s been talked about previously. Thoughts?
Hi Amanda, Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I appreciate your openness and will give you my opinion regarding your love life situation. In my experience, there are people who fall in love and “regulate” the amount of emotional intimacy that occurs in the love relationship for a variety of reasons. Think of it as a defensive way of being in love and avoiding disappointment or hurt. My guess is your BF has a history of disappointment in previous relationships and “unconsciously” he is trying to avoid somekind of replay. So, he keeps a bit of an emotional “distance” in the relationship. Usually, the love partner (that’s you) feels the distance eventually and starts complaining about the fact that the relationship is not moving beyond a certain point. Usually it’s the commitment involved in getting married. Making a proposal, getting engaged, and actually marrying a person requires an emotional risk some people avoid. The hard part is, they don’t want to give up the relationship. The result is a love relationship that is “stuck” in an incomplete commitment. What can be done about such a situation? First, you have to decide for yourself whether this individual (your BF) is an eligible persion you would marry if he made himself really available to you. If the answer is yes, then it is time to “confront” the issue. By confront I mean to talk about whether or not he is capable of moving forward. Forward means real plans and actions that show you the relationship is moving forward. Remember there is no shame in telling people, directly, what we need. Your BF needs to know that you are in the relationship for marriage and a deeper level of emotional commitment and intimacy. If he cannot move forward, you have to decide whether to stay in a stuck relationship or leave and find someone who can give you what you need. The conversation I am suggesting is never easy. Sit him down and lead with the idea that you have something very important to respectfully talk about without getting angry or defensive. You need him to listen and be truthful. This man loves you (according to you he says it). Now he must demonstrate that love by participating in a difficult conversation about what you need, what he can deliver, and the future of your love relationship. Remember, don’t argue or fight. When the conversation is over you will have a sense of whether or not this man can move forward. If the answer is yes, I would ask for a timeline and specifics. If he avoids the conversation, cuts it short, gets angry and defensive, accuses you of whatever, the answer is no. Good luck Amanda. If you’d like to let me know how it went I’d love to read more. Take care, Dr. Jordan
Hello. I am 50, my boyfriend of 2 years is 42. I’ve never told him I want to get married but I have shared I’m open to it with him. For religious reasons I believe in marriage, not cohabitation. Recently he’s moved some of his things into my home however he does not live with me. He randomly mentions us getting married and a month or so ago he said he knows where and when he’ll propose. A week later I mentioned him saying that and he denied it. It’s been 2 years. I am wondering if you feel he’s stringing me along. I’ve set a deadline for myself if he doesn’t ask by Christmas I’m done. Thoughts? Thank you.
Hi Chiro, thanks for your comment on my blog. I think you are doing the right thing. At 50 you don’t want to waste too much time. Some people are ambivalent about marriage and try to stay in a relationship without commitment. When we are older, this kind of behavior simply wastes time. Two years is plenty of time to know whether a relationship will move forward or not. I would stick to your plan. I would also have a conversation with your BF about the future before Christmas. Tell him what you want. No arguing. How he responds to that will tell you everything about his intentions. If he starts planning a date and realizes he loves you andwants to be your husband, that’s the best option. If he puts it off but does not say he does not want to, you’ll have to decide whether you want to stay a bit longer in the relationship. If he gets angry or visibly frustrated, tells you to relax and let things happen naturally….its time to walk. Good luck Chiro. Remember there are many kinds of people out there. Some are more ready for commitment than others. Dr. Jordan