How Long Do I Wait For A Proposal?
You meet someone, fall in love, date, move in, (maybe even have a kid or two – optional), OK so when are you supposed to receive a proposal of marriage? More than a few women have showed up in my office depressed and angry about being in a love relationship with a man who keeps putting off a marital commitment. They tell me they have everything else in place. When the topic of marriage comes up, they (the women) get reassurances that it will happen but no definite date if that can be avoided and it usually is.
In some extreme cases the relationship has gone on for years, living together, even rearing children together, while dodging a commitment of marriage. To add a little biological complication to the matter, your age will be an important factor. Older people are bound to feel this one a bit more acutely. Who has a lot of time to waste in middle-age? Think of it this way, the pain of a break up because you’ve come to the conclusion that you are not on the same page is bad enough. Never mind adding the extra pain of realizing you’ve wasted a lot of time as well.
I like to tell my female patients who are looking for a husband to have a “time limit” in mind. Usually the older the woman, the shorter the time limit if marriage is the objective. A common time limit for women in their late 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s is one year, tops. At the one year mark an honest and direct conversation needs to take place where the topic of marriage is the “exclusive focus.”
The response you’ll receive to the question, “Are we getting married?” will either be a 1. “Yes,” 2. “No,” or 3. “I’m not sure.” The last two responses usually require that your next move be a planned departure as soon as possible. If you get response number one, the next question required is, “When?” You’ll either get 1. an exact date or 2. an approximate date, or 3. an “I’ll let you know.” The last response requires that departure plan I mentioned a moment ago as soon as possible. If you get response number one, Congrats! If you get response number two, give your lover an “exact date” that YOU will be leaving the relationship. Of course this is always a bit difficult to do but in the long run it’s the only way you’ll get enough respect to actually be considered as a potential spouse.
Otherwise, as the old saying goes….why buy the cow?
Comments welcome. Dr. Jordan
I am turning 51 y in October. I did exactly this , set boundaries, ended the relationship, walked away…5 years of hope and still no commitment, I waited so long BC of an age gab. I am defeated. With 45 years I already knew what would be taken away, the chance to have a child, I was pregnant but got convinced into abortion. I cried for 3 years and the pain lingers on. On and off relationship, marriage promises kept me bound, a promise ring I got for the engagement ring that he said he bought already, but I have never even seen that miraculous ring, , 2 years later I still do not have it. Now it’s 2024 and he is back in my life after 4 month of no contact and an other 7 weeks went by while he says this time he is serious he wants to engage. I honestly feel broken by every day that goes by. I do love him very much but I slowly slide into depression again. Every laughter , every moment we spend together weights heavy and I can’t really enjoy it or fully trust. I feel like the cow that gets older every day and goes straight to the butcher seeing life ends . I am stupid and I know I should go. It hurts so bad.
Hi Francis, Thank you for sharing your heartfelt comment on my blog. Unfortunately, this is not an experience I have not heard of before. It happens too often to people who are sincere about wanting a healthy love relationship to progress. The problem is some people have unresolved intimacy issues that keep them from being able to form a commitment. They do everything short of this and as a consequence can keep the person who has fallen in love with them on hold indefinitely. Promises and disappointments with separations and reconnections without the commitment that would allow the relationship to progress. The problem is this can go on indefinitely. After a time, the only real solution is a self-preservation one. To avoid the tragedy of wasting one’s love life because one’s partner cannot commit is a tragic situation that is best avoided. I would recommend that you seek a short-term counseling situation where the focus is exclusively on what you’ll need to do emotionally to set a limit on your partner. Being in love with someone and the amount of time we have devoted to a relationship can convince us to remain in an indefinite not yet committed relationship for too long. Look at it this way, if and when you give him an ultimatum, telling him to make a move to secure a love commitment or the relationship ends permanently, will allow you to see whether he is truly capable of committing. For some people, commitment takes place when they feel they are about to “really” lose the person they love. If he does not commit, leave and stay away. Any effort he makes to get back after you have left should be considered toxic. Your task from that point on would be to strengthen how you feel about yourself, what you have to offer in a love relationship, and when you are healed and ready to move on, the possibility of finding another relationship with someone who can commit. Be well. Dr. Jordan
I am glad that this article popped up in my search…
I am 43 and my partner of 7+ months is 42. We are both divorced (mine was 2008 and his was 2015). I have 1 adult child living on her own and he has no children.
I didn’t expect to meet him and have such a strong connection – fortunately, we both have been in therapy and have really done great at our conflict resolution and communication (always room for improvement though!).
I want to get married. I have always envisioned my life with a partner – a best friend, companion, lover…through thick and thin. Both of us come from families with parents who are still married (mine for 54 years and his for 40-ish years). I believe we both entered our marriages with the expectation that we’d be committed forever.
I had written marriage off – until I met him. And now I have this anxiety about getting engaged…here’s the rub. I was with a man for 4 years (2016 – 2020) where I made it extremely clear that I wanted to get married – I agreed to him moving in and stated that I expected a ring on my finger within a year or two. That time came and went – and it never happened. I wont go into the details of why we split, but it was long overdue.
I do not want to go for 4 years (or more) without a ring on my finger! I like the idea of the talk at the 1 year mark (for us, currently, that’ll be New Years). But here’s my question – do I tell him this? I don’t want to surprise him on NYE with an ultimatum – that’s cruel, isn’t it? Or should I approach it more subtly like “by our 1 year anniversary, NYE, I think we need to make serious decisions about our relationship” – but that sounds like it’s pressured as well.
Can you help?
Hi Tess, Thank you for your comment. Commitment is a wonderful aspect of true intimacy. Marriage is the most indepth form of commitment possible. However, commitment can be scary for some people. Past disappointments in particular can delay or put off a commitment for some people. You overcame your commitment fears and from what you have written, appear ready to try again. I’m not sure about your partner. Some people with commitment fears try to stay in a “relationship without commitment.” This usually involves trying to be with someone, “committed without formal commitment.” What is usually avoided is the fact that formal commitment is true commitment. You are at the point where you need to find out if your partner can truly commit, as in marry. Is he able to get beyond his past love life disappointments, to correct mistakes made in the earlier love relationship and try again with you? Given the fact that you need to know soon, if you wait too long resentments will build and it will inevitably damage the relationship anyway. So now is the time to create a topic of conversation called commitment. What I mean is make a talking point in your relationship. Best way to do this is to tell your partner what you “need.” Ask him to listen and his comments will tell you if he will willing and ready to move forward. Don’t fight about it. Talk about it. Pressure is trying to get someone to change. That you cannot do. No one can change another person when they don’t want to change. You need to know what he is capable of. If after a series of conversations he avoids, obstructs, makes multiple excuses, is made uncomfortable, gets frustrated or angry, tries to change the topic, etc., I would consider your options. You can accept the relationship as is, or tell him you have to move on and look for what you need elsewhere. That is a choice only you can make. A little footnote: sometimes men don’t really realize what they have until she starts walking out the door. Not always, but sometimes, a man who is not committing will feel the impending loss and realize he’s about to lose too much and it is time to give something more to keep her. I recommend starting the conversations before the 1st of the year. And have more than one. Good luck with this. I would be interested in the outcome if you’d like to shot me another comment. Be well, Dr. Jordan
Hi, I am 57, my partner is 54. We have been in a relationship for 3 years, he moved in with me 2 years ago.
He says that he wants to marry me, he even bought an engagement ring 3 months ago, but still hasn’t proposed. Whenever I bring the subject up of when is he going to propose, he gets angry with me and says he will do it when he is ready and that I am not to mention it again. Previously he mentioned maybe he will propose in 3-4 years time. I have told him that I am not getting any younger, and that I feel that he only bought the e ring to shut me up, and that I don’t want to be like his ex. When we first started dating, he told me that he was with his ex for 2 years, but never really wanted to be with her. He met her on a rebound.
He also recently met up with his daughter who he lost contact with for 13 years. On his first meeting with her, he didn’t have a positive word to say to her about me.
Are my over reacting, or do you think that my partner just doesn’t feel that way about me?
Hi Trisha, Thank you for your comment and questions. First off, you have the right to be concerned about commitment at 57 and you have the right to asks questions about it of your partner, no one should tell you otherwise (like “I am not to mention it again”). His difficulty accepting that reality worries me. Because of the importance of time, the older we get, proposals in our later years are kind of like a “mutual” experience. If you are going to spend time with someone waiting for some kind of action, make sure it’s limited time and you can move on if the action is not taken. Otherwise you risk losing time and opportunities. Proposals, left only for the man to do, puts older women in a position of excessive vulnerability to rejection if your partner wants to, as they say, “have his cake and eat it too.” A female patient of mine years ago said it another way to me, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” The details you provided in your comment about your partner’s ex and daughter tell you that he can and has walked away from commitments. I think it is time to have an open and direct dialogue with your partner about how long you can remain in the relationship the way it is (your time-line). That you have a need to be committed and need to know that he is in the relationship for that reason. If during this difficult but important conversation, you hear things that tell you he is, good. If you hear things that tell you that he wants the relationship to be indefinitely uncommitted, I would move on. Remember, you have the right to talk about your love life even if the person you are talking to gets uncomfortable, frustrated, anger, etc. Let me know how you do. Good luck, Dr. Jordan