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Curing The Sexless Marriage: Part 2

Monroe_laughs_while_in_bed_with_Cotten_in_the_trailer_of_Niagra_1This post is Part 2 of “Curing the Sexless Marriage.” In the first post, I introduced four out of eight different ‘cures’ for the sexless marriage or committed love relationship. This post will discuss #5 through #8. If you have this problem in your marriage, try one or more of these cures to revitalize your sexual intimacy.

Like I said earlier, in most sexless marriages there was passion, at least at the beginning, and it was allowed to ‘cool.’ The objective now is to bring that part of your relationship back to life. One or more of the following ‘cures’ will contain the ingredients needed to reinvigorate your intimate and sexual feelings for each other.

Don’t forget, the work you do as a couple is done together. That’s the key. If only one of you is interested, the project is doomed to failure from the start. Let’s pick it up with cure #5:

5. Get More Physical With Each Other: Getting physical means touch each other in any and every way imaginable. Again, you don’t have to give in to the discomfort that may come and go. This is what happens when touching stops and people grow distant. They get uncomfortable when it starts coming back. If you give in to the discomfort, it gets stronger, and the distance stays in place. The objective is to reconnect. You reconnect by talking and touching. If there was something between the two of you and you are still together, there is a good chance it hasn’t died, it’s simply dormant. When something is dormant it isn’t dead just on hold, so to speak. You have to wake it up, bring it back.

6. Get Rid Of False Beliefs About The Effects Of Age On Passion: Do you believe that sex is not a part of your marriage because you’re too old? That belief is strong enough to suck the life out of any relationship. Beliefs help create what we end up experiencing. Unfortunately, some people think sex is only for the young or to create babies. What a waste of potential pleasure. This kind of thing can be passed down from generation to generation. If you have a close knit family and you watch your mother and father having a sexless marriage, you could end up creating one for yourself, for no other reason than family tradition. Are you ready to think for yourself?

7. Break the Spell Of the Familiar: Routine has gripped your relationship. You know when it has happened when you can do your love-life by memory. Nothing changes. You and your lover do the same old thing over and over again. Time to bring the ‘spontaneous’ back into your relationship. This can be as simple as doing something different together. The hard part, once again, is the discomfort you are going to feel when you step out of the box you’ve been in. Convince yourself it’s for a good cause. Otherwise, you’ll be guaranteed one thing, nothing will ever change. Do something unusual, different, spontaneous, totally out of character and see what happens.

8. Believe That Your Feelings Are Important: The last and final cure I’ll offer you is to change how you relate to your own feelings. Your feelings are important. Just because someone else, your lover, values them? No, that’s extra. Your feelings are important because ‘you’ value them. Because you value them you have to express them. This is the hard part. You’ll probably worry about what your lover will feel about your feelings. This will no doubt sound a little callous to you but, at this point that is none of your business. If you make it your business you’ll never speak a word about how you feel, at least not directly. As long as you are sincere and not intentionally hurting your lover, your lover is an adult and can take care of himself or herself by expressing his or her feelings back to you. One feeling leads to another, if you know what I mean.

Footnote: If none of this works to start the fires in your relationship, couples treatment is always an option. Seeking help doesn’t have to mean you’ve failed, just that you need help. Keep it simple, first read this post, “Know This Before Starting Couple’s Therapy,” then find someone easy to talk to who will help the two of you revitalize your relationship. Enjoy the journey.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan

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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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