Curing The Sexless Marriage: Part 1

If there is ‘love’ in your relationship, chances are there are ‘cures’ for the absence of sex. The question is which of the cures will reignite the passion in your relationship. In most sexless marriages, there was passion, at least at the beginning, and it was allowed to ‘cool.’

The objective now is to bring that part of your relationship back to life. One or more of the following ‘cures’ will contain the ingredients needed to reinvigorate your intimate and sexual feelings for each other.

These cures will only work if both of you consciously make this a ‘mutual’ project. A project that  the two of you agree to do together.

The first step is for the two of you to acknowledge to each other that the problem exists and you both want sex to come back into your relationship. No denials. Once this mutual agreement is accomplished we can move onto the ‘cures.’ I’m going to split up my discussion of the various cures into two posts. This first post will discuss ‘cures’ #1 through #4.

The Cures: try one or more of the following ‘cures’ for your sexless marriage or committed love relationship.

1. Make Time To Be Together: Sexless marriages are generally distant and divided. The both of you got into the habit of not having time together. And if you do have regular time together you are both probably focused on everything else but each other. Make time to be together just the two of you. It doesn’t matter what you do together. It’s the being together that counts. Go on a date together. Plan it, set it up, take it seriously, and ‘dress up for it.’ Yes, date when you are already committed or married. Dating can bring out the best in people. Dating means you are making an effort to spend quality time with your partner. Make time and don’t let anything stop you.

2. Share Practical Fantasies: We all have fantasies. I talking about something you can imagine yourself doing alone or with someone else. Unfortunately, there are people who have learned to suppress their fantasies. Allow yourself to fantasize, especially the sexual or intimate ones. If your fantasies are already about your partner or spouse you’re half way there. If your fantasies are not about your partner, you have a little editing to do. Come up with a fantasy about your partner. For the purpose of this cure, let’s call him or her your ‘lover.’ He or she should come up with a fantasy about you. You should both think about your respective fantasies for a little while, filling in the details. When the fantasy is clear in your mind, put together a plan to enact that fantasy with your lover. Assuming your fantasy is not hurtful in any way to your lover or yourself, the two of you will become actors in each other’s fantasy. Take your time. Treat it like a game. The purpose is to have fun and do something together that opens up avenues of intimacy that have been closed for a time.

3. Share Recollections Of When You First Met: This cure involves remembering what it was like when the two of you first met, your own ‘love story.’ The important thing is to remember together. I think the best way to do this is for both of you to write your separate detailed versions of the experience, and then read them to each other. Emphasize the details. The details, as remembered by each of you, should bring back the memories pretty vividly. Don’t stop if it creates a temporary discomfort. Sometimes when we put something away, there is an initial discomfort when we bring it back. Don’t let that stop you.

4. Talk More To Each Other: You can be together without talking. Not to say that’s a bad thing. But taking time to talk to each other is something else. Even if you are only talking about superficial things at first, keep talking. Make specific times to talk, if it’s hard to do this spontaneously. The point is, to increase the amount of dialogue you are having with your lover. At some point, and try to be patient, you’ll want to talk about something a bit more intimate. Take the risk. The feeling of risk means you are about to jump over a barrier. The more risks you take, the better chances you’ll have to experience something different with each other.

For cure #5 through #8 read the followup post, “Curing The Sexless Marriage II.”

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan


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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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