Why A Married Person Is Attractive


For many single people looking for love out there in the singles world, a wedding ring will deter any further interest. But for some people, a married person unhappy with his or her marriage and looking for something extra (a love triangle) is the preferred catch.

The most common ‘superficial’ reason for seeking an affair with a married lover is the part-time nature of the experience. Unhappy married people looking for a distraction from their marital problems always offer a triangular arrangement, meaning you, him or her, and a husband or wife. That makes three emotionally inter-connected people.

I said ‘superficial’ a moment ago because for some seekers of married lovers, upon closer examination, you’ll find motivations like some form of emotional unavailability, fears of intimacy, and the like. Apart from that, a married lover who returns to his or her marriage after being with you is considered a relief, pleasure with very little responsibility, at least at the beginning and if you don’t fall in love.

Married lovers are also attractive because they have been ‘chosen’ by somebody else. For whatever reason, they have been chosen as a husband or wife. Somebody else wanted him or her.

This can create a challenge. Does the seeker of a married lover have what it takes to lure a married person away from his or her marriage at least for a time? This kind of thing can feel like a challenge, even a bit competitive.

I remember a married friend telling me that he noticed single women ‘checking him out’ when he would get all dressed up and go out somewhere with his wife. According to him, these were people who wouldn’t even notice him if he walked into the same place alone.

My friend believed that the presence of his wife made him attractive to some single women. His theory was that since another woman had ‘claimed him’ that made him attractive. Something like, what does he have that she wants so much?

Vicky (my wife) thinks that the attraction to a married person is pretty simple, he or she is ‘unavailable.’ The idea being that some people want what they kinda know they can’t have.

Victoria thinks that the motivation is a bit more mischievous than that, in the sense that a single person attracted to a married person is ultimately ‘testing’ fidelity. For example, some people for very personal reasons, don’t believe that commitment can withstand the presence of lust.

In other words, everyone will cheat, given the right opportunity. The underlying belief, of course, is that there is no such thing as a true love commitment. I don’t buy it. We’re all capable of better than that.

Of course, we could take these motivations and twist them into a hostile intent to breakup a marriage. Unfortunately, there are people out there so hurt and angry that they want to spoil whomever they encounter.

Being instrumental in breaking up a marriage only to satisfy such a hostile agenda would probably prove to such a person that he or she possesses a certain power to corrupt, influence, or control the actions of others. You can imagine what kind of experience this person had in life that could drive this kind of misguided interpersonal interest.

Going a little bit deeper and to a more benign area of human motivation, another more hidden psychological agenda could be a person’s interest in finding a ‘parental lover.’ A parental lover is someone who for reasons of personality, status, marriage or other is able to provide an experience of romance mixed with a bit of fatherly or motherly care-taking.

In most instances, this kind of psychological interest is secretly (another way to say this is unconsciously) intended to take care of some early loss the person is trying to rework. To what extent this is possible to actually accomplish is debatable.

I believe that we only get one shot at childhood and to go looking for it in the form of parental adults is ultimately hurtful and does not repair the hurts. Properly grieving losses and letting them go has proven over the years to be a much more effective way of releasing people from this kind of thing. An affair with a married person can’t do it for you. Check out these related posts: I Love A Married Woman; I Love A Married Man; Sneaking Around With A Married Woman.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan

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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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