When Should We Have Sex?

You’ve met someone you really like. You start dating. You enjoy each other’s company. There is plenty of talk and you’re excited about each other. The feelings are strong and consistent. You’ve been together for a while now. In fact, you’ve been waiting to have a serious relationship with someone. And best of all, you both want the same thing, a committed love relationship that will last. The question is, when should we have sex?

You might be thinking, I don’t want to make a move too soon or too late, for that matter. I want my lover to know I respect him or her. If we do have sex, I want it to improve our chances of a love commitment. When is the best time to have sex when you are considering someone for a serious love relationship? Let’s answer this question the long way. To start, we have to differentiate between the words love, sex, and relationship. These words are sometimes used interchangeably but they are essentially different and their differences are important in order to answer our question correctly.

Love is the chemical feeling that shows up when you fall in love with someone. You don’t make love happen, it’s either there or it’s not. This one is beyond our control. When you’re ‘in love’ with someone that’s when it’s the strongest. That’s when you feel like you have to have this person in your life to be happy.

There are other forms of love like love for family members, love for friends, and love for yourself. Some people include love for humanity as well as love of God. The point is, love is an emotion beyond your control that comes to you and colors how you feel about someone or something. I believe we all have love inside of us to give. Letting it out is the problem.

Sex is a psycho-biological function that includes pleasure and exists as a method of procreation. For those not interested in creating children, sex can be enjoyed for its pleasurable feelings detached from the objective of creating a family. Sex is largely a physical act that does not require love to function.

You can have plenty of sex with people you don’t love. Even though, if you love someone, that’s the best condition for the best sex. Sex has no inherent meaning attached to it besides a physical release of sexual energy or tension that feels good. It’s love and relationship that ultimately give meaning to sexual experience.

Relationship is the type of connection you establish with another person. It’s like a set of agreed upon rules of conduct two people create with and for each other. The closer the relationship the deeper the connection between two people. A love relationship is a deep relationship two people can have with each other. This is a relationship between two people where both persons feel love for each other, but not because the feeling of love was created. Remember, the feeling of love is either there or it’s not.

You can’t make it happen. Furthermore, if two people are in a love relationship and they are interested in having sex together, then you have the deepest and most intimate connection possible between two people. This is what most people dream of whether or not they would feel comfortable with it or even let themselves have this kind of relationship. If you’ve got all three (love, sex & relationship) with somebody consider yourself lucky.

Some people want to find out what kind of relationship they are going to have before they have sex. They’re usually people who want a little more than just physical pleasure with a lover. If you are of age and sex is all you are interested in and you find someone else of age with a similar consensual predilection, you’ll have a limited sexual experience.

If you are interested in more than sexual pleasure then I suggest you think about love and relationship. Two out of the three is possible. In many cases a relationship that is sexual (without being ‘in love’) with a lot of companionship can be a very positive experience for a lot of people. This is the kind of relationship most people have during the course of trying to find true love in their lives.

In some cases a sexual relationship with companionship grows into a more loving relationship over time because love was there and it was released into the relationship. Whether or not both people would say they are ‘in love’ is unpredictable. If you see the potential for companionship with someone you are sexually excited by, you have the opportunity for a solid relationship experience. Whether or not you’ll settle for this is a decision you’ll have to make. Most people who are interested in having a relationship but can’t find love, opt for sex mixed with a healthy experience of companionship. For someone in this situation, finding out whether a relationship is being offered would be best before consenting to sex.

For individuals with true love on their minds, more patience is needed. Some people are burnt out on companionship with sexual benefits. They may have had a few too many of these relationships that ended in disappointment. Something felt like it was missing. If you find yourself at this place in your love-life, chances are you won’t be satisfied unless there is a mutual feeling of genuine love in your next relationship.

What you are looking for is a relationship that has companionship, sex, and love in it. Since you have less control over this kind of experience, the issue for you is whether or not you can wait. If you tie yourself up in relationships without love when you are looking for love, that will naturally make it harder for love to find you.

The problem is, it’s unpredictable whether and when love will find you. I would love to be idealistically optimistic about this, but the way it looks to me, some people have a harder time finding love. The good news is, if you prepare yourself emotionally, that can increase the possibility of being receptive to love when and if it shows up. OK in this instance, you’ll probably be saying no to companion relationships with sexual attraction. As far as sex only without much of a relationship, this limited option is always available.

Of course, practicing safe sex is a must. If you choose to maximize your chances for love, you’ll develop yourself as an individual while you wait. Not in any isolated way of course. You’ll get out and meet people, stay active, learn about life, but wait for the right chemical reaction to occur with somebody. You’ll judge the quality of the chemistry you encounter and use that to decide if the relationship you’re getting is what you’re looking for.  Dr. T. Jordan

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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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