Temporarily Leaving Your Lover

Being together is a beautiful thing when you’re in love. We all would agree with that. What is a lot harder is ‘separating’ when you’re in love. The type of separation I’m talking about is the ability to temporarily depart from your lover in a constructive and healthy way that ultimately improves your love relationship. The first love-life principle this love-life experience draws from is: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If you can separate yourself from your lover or let your lover separate from you, the reward you get for tolerating and permitting the separation in a constructive manner is fonder feelings of love toward you. The second love-life principle this kind of experience draws from is: freedom is necessary to have a healthy love-life. In other words, lovers should be allowed to do as they please. The control of what they do should never come from one lover toward the other. This kind of control routinely damages love. If your lover freely decides not to love you any more, believe me you need to know that as soon as possible, in order to prepare your exit. There’s nothing you can humanly do about it, except take good care of yourself, learn from the experience, and move on with your life.

The only form of control that works in this kind of love-life situation is ‘self-control.’ Unless your lover is free to do as he or she pleases, he or she will never be free enough to give love freely. Free love is the only form of love worth receiving. Forced or controlled love is no love at all. It can look like love, but it is forced out of fear or obligation. If temporarily separating from your lover or temporarily experiencing your lover separate from you makes you anxious, it should. That’s a very human reaction to separating from someone you love. This is happens especially at the beginning of a love relationship when your desire and need are new and untempered by familiarity and time.

Remember, just because you feel anxious doesn’t mean you have to act on it. It is better if you don’t. Supporting and tolerating the temporary absence of your lover will create the best conditions for him or her to ‘miss you.’ The same of course applies to you. You both need to miss each other from time to time. For the best results, you need your lover to be free enough to feel that ‘miss you’ feeling. That’s the feeling that can magnify the love he or she feels for you and you for him or her. You see, separations are useful in this regard. They are useful in that they show a person what he or she truly feels for his or her lover.

Unless there is a temporary separations in love, some part of the love being experienced will never really be felt. It will instead be taken for granted or stifled. This is why temporary separations for ‘good reasons’ are necessary during the course of a love relationship and you shouldn’t interfere with them. Learn to welcome them and understand what they can do for your relationship. Although you are anxious and worried inside, be supportive on the outside. Don’t interfere, because your lover needs to separate to feel how much he or she loves you. That’s good for both of you in the long run. If you have to, keep telling yourself this and welcome him or her back with loving arms. Dr. T. Jordan







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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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