I Love A Married Woman

If you love a married woman and you’re in a love relationship with her, read this post. You are engaged in what is commonly thought of as a ‘triangle.’ Triangles are rough on the heart.

Fundamentally, they are unstable, like three legs on a table. Something always goes wrong, or at least it should, because triangles usually end up hurting people more than anything else.

Triangles exist simply because a problem is not being resolved in a marriage. Two people get married and have marital problems, instead of resolving those problems either by fixing the relationship or ending it, which by the way can be a valid resolution of a problem, a third party is brought into the relationship, and now you have a triangle.

I know the story books tell us that it’s better to stay together. But I think there are plenty of people who never should have gotten together to begin with. A lot of misery is avoided with a respectful ending and opportunity to start again with someone else after a period of sincere efforts to fix a love relationship. The point is, a triangle happens when two married (or simply committed people) don’t fix their marriage.

Instead defensive stuff happens like distancing from each other or finding another lover to make up for what is not happening in the marriage. The problem is you can’t get a piece of what you need from one person and another piece from someone else and expect to have a stable and satisfying love-life. Too many pieces for stability. What you get instead is fragmentation, conflict, and limited intimacy.

So let’s look at the type of triangle that has one woman and two men in it. The target of desire in the relationship is the woman. She’s at the apex. Her husband is not leaving and she is not letting him go (otherwise she wouldn’t need a triangle to cope).

The marriage is active and bonded. It doesn’t matter how negative wife and husband feel about each other, they are together. It doesn’t matter how passionate the sex with the ‘other man’ in her life is, she is not leaving her husband.

Usually at the beginning of such an arrangement, when the triangle is young so to speak, the ‘other man’ usually tells himself he likes this arrangement because he doesn’t have to make a commitment. She can go back to her husband when we’re done making love, right?

For a time this may feel freeing and easy. The problem comes in when over time an attachment forms between the married woman and her ‘other man.’

Now she is growing used to the arrangement and has convinced herself that the triangle makes her disappointing marriage tolerable. If the ‘other man’ gets attached he will inevitably at some point start needing more from the married woman. He may start thinking about asking her to leave her husband. This is when the trouble starts happening.

Let’s talk about the ‘other man’ for a moment. My heart goes out to him more than any one else in this arrangement because he is usually the one who gets disturbed first and has more to lose. He could be thrown out of the triangle and the married couple could end up fixing their relationship, this could happen. The ‘other man’ gets painfully left out, not yet knowing that is the best thing that could happen to him.

All three people in this triangular arrangement have their issues. Let’s do one at a time starting with the ‘other man.’ He is definitely looking for love in the wrong place and with the wrong person. His superficial belief that he wants someone else’s woman for the convenience is a lie he defensively tells himself. The reality is he’s looking for love like the rest of us and afraid of what he’ll find.

The ‘other man’ is probably afraid that he won’t be able to ‘handle’ a love relationship with a fully available woman. He thinks that loving someone else’s woman will save him from this fear of intimacy. It only brings this issue roaring to the surface.

In my world that’s an opportunity for growth because triangles are no good for people. But for the ‘other man’ this is a painful transition from a illusory relationship with a married woman in a triangle with a married man to a period of being alone again where some serious work can be done on his love-life (if he’s up for it).

The work needed is usually in the area of developing a better tolerance for love and intimacy by clearing out whatever fears and blocks the guy has in the way. Then he can go after a whole and available single woman.

Now onto the married man. He’s the ‘other man’s’ competition, but not really. The important thing about the married man is he’s probably coping with his limited marriage by doing something else (work, alcohol, substances, whatever consumes and distracts him).

In some instances he ‘knows’ his wife is cheating on him and looks the other way. In other instances his defenses are so thick he doesn’t read the signs at least consciously. Personally, I think most if not all married people know on some level if a spouse is cheating, but that’s just my belief.

Anyway, the married man like his supposed competition is afraid of a deeper intimacy as well. They have this in common. His willingness to live in a limited marital relationship thinly disguises this fear of deeper love and intimacy.

By the way, when people say they are afraid of intimacy think ‘exposure’ to what they themselves have difficulty accepting in themselves. Most people I’ve met who are afraid of intimacy, lose the fear when they accept and feel better about themselves.

The question is whether or not the married man will fix this intimacy issue with this wife. It’s hard to tell, some couples can pop out of a triangle and do the work of recommitment, others can’t and end up doing it apart, alone, or with someone else.

In this kind of triangle with two men and a woman, there are instances when the two men fight over the woman. This kind of drama is amusing only because if they know how connected they both are and how much they have in common they might realize that it would be more profitable for both of them to have a conversation together about the whole thing in a coffee shop or something.

That way they would learn about their love-life issues and probably resolve the triangle with less pain, skipping the whole painful machismo thing.

Another interesting dynamic I find in this kind of triangle is the married man can be functioning (unconsciously for most) in a pseudo-fathering role for himself and his wife. What this means is he’s like a father figure (less intimate for him) for her, regardless of how good of a husband he is, she (the married woman) keeps him as her husband in order to replay some part of her own relationship to her own father (who might have been absent or not loving). Basically, she married a man that can do this for her, even though he’s not doing a few other things she needs as well.

The clues for this kind of dynamic can sometimes be found in their sexual relationship. If sex is kind of weak and the romance is minimal, that could make it easier to create a father-daughter bond out of a husband-wife relationship.

The fact is, when your past issues are not resolved chances are you’ll recreate them in some way in your current relationships. The point is, this underlying father-daughter thing would help us understand why the married woman is not eager to let go of her husband when she has hot sex to look forward to with this ‘other man’ who is trying to persuade her to leave him.

OK, on to the married woman. I kinda left the best for last because this particular triangle, one woman and two men, is really under her control. She’s the orchestra leader, so to speak. Her psychological issues are running the show, or more precisely, the triangle. The hard part is she’s usually too well defended to get help for her problematic love-life.

The solution of ‘two men’ to fix a love-life problem is pretty difficult to challenge and change when someone’s putting so much energy and effort into making it work. She’s got to live two lives. One is stressful enough these days.

She’s doing two. And God forbid if they ever overlap. Like walking into a restaurant with your husband and your lover is at another table on a date with another woman because she (the married woman) wasn’t available because you had to be with your husband kind of thing.Watch out!

This is the kind of thing that ages people. If she could recover from such an evening and say, this is crazy! I need to fix my love-life, she’s be better off (healthier in mind and body) very quickly. Unfortunately, most triangulated married women opt for a resurgence of effort and energy into getting better at controlling the double lives they are trying to lead.

As a psychologist, I know that double living is toxic. You can’t be healthy and living a double life. Unfortunately, a lower percentage of married women in triangles have that insightful need for change I just described before the triangle falls apart against her will.

The common ways in which this kind of triangle falls apart are: the ‘other man’ goes to therapy to leave the addictive sexualized relationship he’s got with the married woman, the married man and the ‘other man’ fight and force a change in the arrangement, the married man divorces his wife for infidelity, children complicate and interfere with the double life agenda of the married women, or last and least, the married woman realizes that there is less pain in the long run if she lets go of the ‘other man’ and makes a decision about her marriage.

Interestingly enough, when this kind of thing happens, heading off into the sunset with the ‘other man’ ready to set up a new love-life tends not to happen. Almost as if the relationship with the ‘other man’ was really a byproduct of the triangle and now that the triangle is broken, the ‘other man’ usually has no place in her life. The married woman has to either recommit herself to her marriage or grieve the loss of it.

This will take emotional priority over starting a new committed love relationship. Rebounds like this usually don’t work very well anyway. People need to leave something emotionally before they can recommit emotionally to something else. Otherwise the past unfinished emotional business is always threatening to invade the present.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan

 

 

322 Responses to I Love A Married Woman

  1. Relationship

    Everything that was said in that story was absolutely 100% correct. I was the “Other guy” in the triangle and it has been going on for over a year now. It finally has come to an end when her husband and her decided she needed to quit her job in order to be away from me so that she could fix her marriage. I have never been so hurt in my life. It has been 2 weeks since we have last talked. We both fell in love with each other and she even told me she would never have such a strong connection with anyone like me and her had. not even with her own husband she said.

    • admin

      Thank you for your comment. Your heart is broken and you are in a very painful situation. You fell in love with the right woman at the wrong time in her life. The fact that she is not available is the source of your pain. The fact that you fell in love, however, is a good thing. Once you have grieved the ending of this relationship and moved on, you can learn from your mistake and when ready find an available lover. Of course, if she is unable to ‘fix’ her marriage, she will need time to collect herself, grieve the loss of her marriage, and then be prepared to renew her love-life. Whether or not you will be available at that time in the future when she is ‘ready’ is unpredictable at this time. I would recommend that you find a therapist to help you through the loss if the emotional pain becomes unbearable. I also hope that you will check back with us regarding our tele-workshops in the fall. Take good care of yourself through this difficult time. Dr. T. Jordan

      • Relationship helper

        I have seeked a therapist because I became so physically and mentally unhealthy. I loved this girl and wanted to marry her so bad. I knew she wanted the same but only if she was divorced. We became absolute best friends to each other.

        • Relationship helper

          I want to be happy and i know that since shes married I will never be happy with her. Thank you so much again for all of your advice and support. I know its only been a short time but I am ready to fall in love and be happy for the rest of my life. It’s going to take time but im ready for it. I do think about her still every single day. But this story u wrote gave me such great closure to now that she choose to work on her marriage and not take that leap of faith with me. I know I can’t wait for her any longer. If she divorces I will have to worry about it then.

        • Jenny

          I too have something to say about this. I was the married woman and it I who has had my heart broken. I was having an affair with a younger man who I loved with my whole heart , body and soul. I’ve been in an unhappy marriage for years but could never leave because of my children and financial reasons. The other man told me he was happy with our situation as long as he could see me. I worried that he was lonely . I told him that I would never come between him and anyone else if he found someone because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. If he had once just said ” let’s make a plan for you to leave him I would have done so. I am the one who has had my heart torn to pieces and made to feel that this is all my fault. You need to plan things in order to be with someone you love even if people say it’s wrong. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation be it the other man or the other woman. I am left destroyed emotionally , mentally and physically. I will also love and miss my love for the rest of my life.

          • MICHAEL

            I am just at this moment the other man in this triangle… She told me of a love that she is feeling for me, which I actually never believe could exsist around me. I told her my plans which I would like to have with her and now she told me she needs time to decide if the can take the leap or not. I told her no matter how she decides, I’d not be angry at her and would accept it as it is. Something to add would be that I’m 21 and she’s 32… Also she was my superior when I had my medical internship at her station. She tells me I only need touch her and she starts to vibrate from top to bottom, but even though I know she wouldn’t lie to me, it feels still like something other than truth. She’s is always thinking about me and even has almost a car accident because she couldn’t see the street no more through her tears. I will probably leave her for 4 days or s week and if she can’t decide in my favor then, then it’s as Mr Dr said, right women, wrong time… And that means look for women in my age and stage of life and try to find equal love. Sry for my bad English, I’m from Germany.

            Regards Michael, hopefully this will help someone.

          • MICHAEL

            Actually I have to inform you now that I won the triangle, she’s decided to leave everything for me… Miracles yet even though they’re rare as sh*t.

          • louis

            you mentioned yourheart goes out to anyone in your situation be it the other man or other woman How about the husband!!!!

          • Daisy

            I m the married woman of this triangle. I confessed to the other man. He was not into me. Slowly he got pulled. I tried to break away. We both went in severe mood swings. So it’s on. Wehave only emotional.love so far. But now I dream of physicality. He’s 26 years my junior and knows that I will not leave my family with 2 kids.I
            I know it’s wrong but can’t stop. My husband has a hang of it…..

          • Aaron

            Hi Jenny, I experienced what you have gone through recently. I still love the “married woman” but I had to let myself get in a relationship whith someone I can have a future with, for a long time. I still love her, think about her and care about her. I know she’s devastated and torn apart, her smokey eyes will never stop haunting me before I go to sleep. Please contact me, I want to know how I can make her feel better about all this catastrophe. evrshn@gmail.com

          • top

            i am single man, i am 25 and the girl i really love is married with 3 kids and 29 only. the bad thing is he does not love you so much.. he must work hard to be able to have you.. when loving a married woman, you also need to think of your future. not just love and sex. in my case, her husbands thinking is very hard to predict, but she also know that her husband is cheating on her. but the sad thing is we were the ones who caught first. i wanted to live with her forever and i do have plans for her and her children. accepting them as my own. that is why i am working hard for our future. but sadly in our country divorce is not accepted only annulment is accepted. right now she and her husband is together talking for what should be done for their kids. what should be the set up. and of course my girlfriend family doesn’t want me. thank you.. its happy to share your feelings and emotion. as a single man and as a loving man for her, ill be faithful

          • Johnny

            I am the unhappiest man since I knew all about that. God bless you and myself. Love has a price and we had to pay it

          • Juanita Juniper

            Jenny, I am right there with you. What you need to trust is that he did and will always love you. It makes it so much easier to really put ourselves in that single person’s shoes, they are free, they need to take care of their own lives, and if I was single, I would never stay in a relationship with a married person. It’s self-destructive. Things ALWAYS get better, just remember life ebbs and flows.

        • arun

          i also have a problem that i love a married women how should her about my feeling as she is my sister in law

      • H

        Michael, I only wish your victory was something I shared in as well. I had to let her go today because she herself seems content to take care of and indulge her deadbeat husbands ways for the rest of her life and I absolutely hate that she has chosen that for herself.

        • XYZ

          I am married for two years now but I realised that I chose a wrong man on the very first day of our marriage. Now I am in love with another man but I haven’t told him I am married because I am too scared that he might leave me after knowing i am married. I want to marry him. We are involved physically and emotionally. Also me and my husband don’t have any physical relation for almost a year now and we also sleep in different rooms. I really want to marry him and have his babies. Do you think he would still love me after I tell him i am married but want to divorce and marry you. Please help

      • Jamie Glatz

        I have the same issue she was a woman came into my life long ago. Both of us were not married at the time. As ten years passed we started talking again for two years we have developed feelings for eachother and the bond feels stronger than it ever was.. She is currently married and her husband is an alcoholic. We have been intimate a few times and I want more but to no avail we quit than start seeing eachother again.. There is always love in my heart for her I want nothing else but its also painful. I cant say no to her.

      • Kristy S Gilboy

        I was a married woman who had to quit her job…not once but twice…sooo in live with another man who still holds my heart today. I tried…I went back to work the second time, confessed my love ready to lose everything and proceed with my divirce, but I was too late. He no longer loves me. I’m am heartbroken beyond repair, not to mention jobless due to my own unraveling ….and have lost most if not all I had put into a promising dental career. In now in therapy grieving the loss of my one true love, and realizing I could love like this has forced me to ask for the divorce. Because now I know I can have and do deserve to feel love , real love. I am not perfect. I am broken.

    • Nick

      I am the other man in an octagon. She has been my dear friend for over 30 years. She, at one time was married to my best friend growing up till he simply messed it all up. She overlapped that marriage with the one she has now.

      She has always been the type to have a main dish, and a side dish…or several side dishes.

      At the moment, her behavior with me, is that of me being a future main dish, so to speak. However, I doubt it will be in the near future. Right now we seem to be our normal friendship we have always had; but suddenly buried feeling are now being shared with one another openly when we are alone.

      There has always been a kind of “unspoken intimacy’ between us. Certainly all of our close friends have seen it. Several have made comments over the years, and there have been more than one who have asserted that her and I are more than we appear, and that there is somehting going on between us…but till very recently, there never was.

      In this situation, she has a lot of male friends. She is like the queen of a matriarchy. Only I, and he cousin know who she is, or is not actually intimate with at any given time though. The other guys do not know she is with any of the others. She has each one thinking he is special.

      It’s rarely anyone new. It’s mostly the same
      guys that have been card carrying members for decades.Ex boyfreinds, ex husbands etc… Except for her current husband, I am the only one not an ex of hers.

      We all know each other, and get along very well. Not sure it would be like that if it was out in the open of course.

      I told her that we would not make a good marriage, and that she would have to see me with another eventually. That she would most likely have to be friends with the new girl, and that our relations would cease at that point.

      Both of our hearts are going to get broke, I am sure. She gets jealous when any of her boys has a new girl. But she always salvages the friendships after, somehow. I don’t know how, but she always pulls it off.

      I doubt this is going to help anyone. Just sharing “what is” I guess.

      Nick

      • Nick

        One addition:

        We do genuinely love each other, very deeply. Always have, since we were kids.

        She has real love with all of us. And we all love her just as much. We each have a unique, and special relationship with her.

      • Dr. Jordan

        Thank you Nick for sharing your love life story. As I was reading it I was thinking about a ‘club’ of sorts. Maybe a ‘boy’s club’ as you alluded to. Her ‘boy’s club.’ Sometimes in our love lives we get involved with people and situations that are exciting, perhaps challenging, but fundamentally limited. When you said relations with her would cease if and when you found someone new, I had the thought that you want something more for yourself. Perhaps the depth of a one on one intimate love relationship. Being a member of one woman’s ‘boy’s club,’ so to speak, however exciting and challenging (competitive) is limited. Inevitably, most people will outgrow this arrangement. She herself may move from whatever need she has to be the matriarch (in control) of a desiring group of men, to figuring out how to deepen your own love life. I hope she does. As for you, my guess is it’s time to move on, with one sad note. You may not be able to maintain the kind of friendship, if at all, with her you’ve had as a member of the ‘boy’s club.’ In the long run, a small price to pay for deeper love. Good luck Nick, and thanks for visiting my blog. Sorry for the late response to your comment, but summer has me here and there. Thanks, Dr. J.

      • Isay

        Dude she sounds like a classic Cluster B Narcissistic Personality – with a ‘harem’ of males that she rotates and uses to attend to her various needs of the moment. If is so that is disaster – they study and mirror your opinions and attitudes, presenting you back to yourself and you think they are perfect – and for this work they put in they expect complete loyalty and service from you and offer none in return. Run.

    • Sam

      Thanks for the your information about the triangle which helped me no end. I’m just getting over such a situation as the other guy. I’m in my fifties and recently divorced. About a year ago started to talk to someone’s wife, as I was helping him with his drug addiction problems. My relationship with the person I was helping stopped but she kept texting me. Soon the texts increased in number and we began to talk on the phone and got very familiar. I even think that she had already decided that I was a good replacement for her no good husband. She’s the main bread winner and although they have two kids and have been married for ten years, it’s her who has always provided for the family. His wages always went to gambling and using drugs. Cut a long story short we became heavily involved and although he moved out, he was still popping in to see the two kids and to take one of them to school. He was however suspicious that she was up to something. Historically he had always walked away and she had gone after him but this time when he walked away she didn’t go and he knew something was up. We had a great time seeing each other in secret and going away together every chance we got. One thing I noticed was that she was always trying to get me to buy her stuff and pay for things including a breast operation. She never offered to pay a penny towards anything and believed that I should pay for everything. I didn’t mind that but at times felt exploited and overreacted. we dined in expensive restaurants and stayed in 5 star hotels and every time I saw her I had to have sex with her, sometimes in the back of my car..like teenagers..I got aroused by seeing her texts or hearing her voice and when we were together just wanted to get to a point when I could have sex with her. My daughter who lives with me saw her once and decided she didn’t like her or her morals. She asked me about her situation and I told her the truth. She thought that for a married woman with kids to have an affair is the lowest of low and that she is just after my money. I was troubled by the nature of our relationship and kept asking her to deal with him and get the lawyers involved but she kept putting it off. I kind of got used to the idea and considering that being responsible for two kids and a father who was likely to come after me later wasn’t an attractive proposal, got used to our arrangement and stopped pushing her. He caught us once about a year ago and we managed to lie and get away with it. He bought it then but was very suspicious. About a month ago she came to my flat and after we had had sex and got dressed there was a knock on my door. It was him and I didn’t open the door till he left. He had even heard her in the flat calling my name and had managed to peak through the letter slot and see her come out of my bedroom. Normally we walk around with little clothes but on this occassion we both got dressed. She decided to deny that anything was going on and he reluctantly accepted it. He has threatened to throw acid onto her face if he catches her again and as a result she has cut off all communications with me. I still don’t know if she plans to divorce him or wait till he’s calmed down or what. But the more I do research and talk to people the more I realise that I’ve been in a trance. The excitement of being with someone over 20 years younger than me and the times we had together made me loose weight, go to the gym and become alot more active. But the guilt of sleeping with someone else’s wife was eating me up on the inside. She is very pretty and I’m smitten with her. The best sex I’ve ever had…the only real love I’ve felt and the happiest I’VE been in years. We even had textsex when she couldn’t get away and I have loads of photos of us. I keep telling myself that she’s going to get rid of him and come back to me but deep down inside I know that this is the end. This hasn’t stopped me looking at the photos and her texts and pretending we’re having texsex…if you know what I mean. On one hand I think I can’t respect her because of what she’s been prepared to do with me…affair..sex in the car…comfortable with the experiments that we did together sexually…and on the other hand i loved all of those things and found them very attractive.
      I’ve been going through withdrawal for the last week or so after I saw her facebook profile picture which was him and her. It turned out he has control of that and it’s all his doing. I got very angry and threaten to post pictures of us on facebook but said sorry afterwards and that I hadn’t meant it and was only angry. I wanted closure and felt very exploited. She rang me to say that nothing had changed and he still followed her everywhere and she was very scared about the acid attack. I had told her that all photos had been deleted but I just lied. I thought this was a year of my life and cost me a fortune and I every right to hold onto them. She thinks they are deleted again now. I feel like I’ve lost a limb or someone dear to me. I have this horrible feeling in my stomach all the time and have cried a lot. However reading your article gave me a new perspective and got me out of my denial. Deep down inside I always knew that this would end and that it wasn’t right for me and that I would never want to father two young kids at my age…but I still went ahead with it. It was all a fantasy for both of us. we did talk about going to live abroad which I was happy about but once I realised that she wanted to bring her two kids I didn’t like the idea. I feel better now but find that I’m obsessed with the situation and keep going back and reanalysing what happened when we got caught or weather I should tell the police about his threats towards her etc. I would be grateful to receive any advice or suggestions.

      • louis

        Hi Sam: Im a husband with a wife and her b/f.I know what you are going through because it has been affecting me with kinds of not so good thoughts. But you have to be strong like im starting to be.Im not going to letany woman do this to me.The best way out is to find someone else,theres a lot of great people out there.good luck

      • Shariq Khan

        Well what happened with you happens with mostly everyman you cant complain that you felt expolited as you got the best sex in return , she needed your love and monetary support but later she got scared also she had 2 kids to look after.i feel you shouldnt regret you got the best deal infact she was the one who had to take most of the tension handle 2 guys at a same time.

    • Eric

      100% true indeed. I hung in for ten years and believed that some day we would share the life we talked about. She has the most beautiful soul I have ever known, we trusted each other and could talk about anything. She now feels that she is a terrible wife and cheater but is willing to go back to her alcoholic husband. She’s doing this to protect her family from being hurt even after being told by family he doesn’t deserve her. I’m crusted and have no desire to partispate in life. I’ve lost my very best friend as fast as switch turns off a light. I don’t understand how a person can change so fast. I feel so stupid and foolish. I’m just not worthy of this life.

      • Shelly

        I feel so bad for you that I really want to give you a hug 😡

        • Paul

          Don’t for one second believe that your are not worth it. I have no idea who you are, what you stand for, or what intentions you hold; however I do believe you are worthy! If you have the ability to give love and receive it you are worthy of all the joy’s it brings as well as the hurt. You must not forget this pain it is necessary. Remember your actions and analyze your situation. You didn’t make a mistake you stood for what you believed in and put everything into what you believed. Such actions are admirable. What’s most important is that you accept her love. Just because she didn’t choose you doesn’t mean she didn’t love you and I’m sure the things she told you she sincerely meant; however this world we occupy is ordered through titles and duties. If we lived in a world where love could overcome strength and duty she just might be yours, and I just might have my own lovely angel, but unfortunately we do not live in that world. Find what you want out of life. What do you want to be remembered for? These are the questions you should ask. Not why? or how come? Accept that she loved you and you loved her and for that moment in time you two shared and expressed all that was needed. The knowledge you gained from her is fuel for a new engine. Build your engine, gas it up! and take your life to a new direction. I promise you that if you follow your calling and submit yourself completely you will find happiness. Remember that pain can’t be known without pleasure. In life we go up and down in a constant struggle to find an equilibrium that rarely exists. People who are truly worthy are given the most painful trials and tasks. Please rise above it, this life has much more to offer. Both in happiness and in sorrow.

          • Broken Hearted

            Paul, I am going through this very situation. Your words are speaking to my soul right now. I can’t thank you enough for sharing. I needed this read.

      • louis

        Let me get this straight,you where in this relation for 10yrs and didnt see the writing on the wall.Foolish/stupid you said it man

      • Brian

        I’m not going to lie, I was getting teary eyed reading you’re post cause I also am in love with another man’s wife which just ended and I’m now suffering with a broken heart and am very depressed over this cause she was my best friend and my lover and nothing has been able to cheer me up since she left

        • Henry

          i am sorry for your lost. I am in a silimar situation. She was my best friend and soulmate. We shared everything with each other. She left me and I am at a complete lost without her. It’s been 6 months and I am still depressed. I still think of her everyday.

          • Craig

            I’m like u guys but I have a daughter who is more important other wise I kill my self … I live here in Denver Colorado she lives near wash park I go and is hard to know I was only a support for her and she went back to her husband ..the way I see it is , if I ever want to be w her first she needs to face the reality of her sad life and marriage … Don’t be fool thinking she is in a happy married no woman is .. Society has failed to help marriages succeed .. As now we
            R
            Just giving each other love when we can !!! U all want her back .. Don’t stay with her for 10 years or stay w her for ten years doesn’t matter love is love

        • Debasish Pal

          I have a sympathy for you man. I also an other man who loves a married woman. But She is not agree to make any relationship other than good friend. She is not fully happy with her husband but also not to divorce him. I am carrying on my effort but know that someday I will be defeated.

      • louis

        feeling stupid and foolish!!!!!

    • shannon

      I’m in a similar situation.. I’m the other guy. But I have known this person and are best friends with her..for over 10 years. Yes we have sex and are intimate. I have keys to her pad. Where her and husband live. Stay over once in awhile if to buzzed up….I could write a really effed up movie..haaaa. Its hard too leave her tho….

      • louis

        Well,at least you understand what the out come is or will be.Im sure you had a good time while it lasted,now go on with your life.

    • Pipo

      I Can relate to this story. Although she isn’t married with her bF, they have an over 5 years relationship and they pretty much have everything together. My story is, I fell into this triangle and to this day I am not sure how. Obviously there was a major connection, and I knew this was not a good situation specially since I was coming off a loss of a 5 year relationship. I knew I wasn’t ready to date no less open my heart to anyone else. She managed to open my heart after two months of talking. And that when love emotions started to surface. At a point I stated we cannot get any closer because I knew she was the kind of women I would fall for. Right after Christmas returning from Montreal, I called and stated let’s break this off and just be friend. That was not what she wanted, and she pursued me. Didn’t realize how weak I was for her till I caved in. Fast forward 5 months later, after being tired of being the option and not the choice, I decided to end it. By this time I have already fallen in love, and she having no intentions of leaving where she is at, I find myself broken. Deeply! Moving on is extremely painful and difficult and do not know how. Two failed attempts at love back 2 back. I just feel like moving far away as possible at this point.

      • Ray

        I even have the thoughts of going to settle down in another country where everyone and everything around me is new. Thats how heartbreaking and hard it is too move on. Im the other guy in this situation. Her husband is a wife beater and unmatured uncapable boy who cant solve a probem by using his brain. Acknowledge that i use the word “boy” because real man dont beat women up they respect women and always find a solution to a problem no matter what. I love her till now and she is still struggling with her toddler of a husband. I dont know why she is still holding on

    • Tim

      I am in a situation where I love a married woman deeply but I am afraid to tell her. I am also married with kids and I feel very guilty, hurt because of the whole situation. I don’t know whether to tell her how I feel about her or just try to get over it.

  2. Relationship

    Whoever wrote this, I would absolutely love to talk to you about my experience and get your input. If you have a way I can contact you please let me know !

    • admin

      We are in the process of putting together ‘tele-workshops’ to provide people like yourself with the information needed to make the right choices for themselves in a small group format on the phone. Check back with us. We are hoping to have our tele-workshops ready by September of this year. Looking forward to it. Dr. T. Jordan

    • Jamie

      I am in same situation. I’m waiting for her. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

      • Franck

        Me too!, I fell in love with a married woman!, this relationship.. If you want to call it that, has been slowly suffocating me for over 4 years!
        It has taken me to extreem highs, to the lowest of lows! , we have a unique job, that allows us to be away from home for up to 7 days, in beautiful hotels, in various countries.
        We have an age difference of 12 years, I am 51., but when together you cannot tell.
        We have an amazing connection, a profound love, sex is very deep, very intimate.
        However although we have it all, the guilt she is suffering is now keeping her trapped in her marriage.
        She and her husband have been to counselling, her family are aware of me, she has revealed her affair to her husband… Under duress from me( I threatened to tell him out of frustration)
        We have taken each other to the extremes of pain!, she has in the past stated that she loves me, and I her.. Many times, but she just cannot leave her husband.
        The reasons…. 6 year old daughter, family, cannot bare the thought of hurting him, the guilt she carries!
        She tells me she does not love him, but is stuck!
        She wants me to move on, for the sake of being able then to view the whole situation more clearly, and without the pressure of knowing I’m there waiting for her move.

        It is dismantling me completely, I admit I am in tremendous pain!, I will abide by her wish, to walk away, and hope that one day she comes back to me!

        She says, no matter what, if it’s meant to be, it will.

        My hope is similar to a birthday sized candle that is lit, in a tunnel that can fit a locomotive!

        I have tried in the past to move on, and leave her be! I have gone out with other women, but that just brings me down even more, as I am continuously comparing, and find all the faults in other women.

        I ask myself often, how did I get so f….d up over ths woman!, I try hard to convince myself she isn’t wrth it, that I deserve better, I keep busy all the time, I go to the gym every day, to the point of failure, but I just cannot shake the missing of her!

        I’m sorry to say this, but I do not think I’ll ever get over her!, I will continue to live a regular life, but I know, that pain in the pit of my stomach will never leave!
        ATM to add to it, I wake every morning at 3am, my head gets too busy with thoughts of her, and what more I can offer from my life, to help her make that move!
        Reality there is nothing more!
        What a poor excuse of a man I am, to have Been beaten so badly by a woman!
        True, deep love is a formidable weapon!, if used right, it can make a person do almost anything!
        I offer good luck to the other, other men!, I hope your dream with the married woman eventuates!
        Cause the flip side to the coin is Rodin’s Gates of hell!

        • Dr. Jordan

          Thank you Franck for your heartfelt comment. After reading it, I would like to offer a suggestion to you to break the cycle of “hope and despair.” Once you’ve realized that the emotional cycle you are in it perpetual, the only other option you have is to “grieve the loss.” What this means is, you will act on the realization that the only chance you have for a healthy love relationship is to “leave her” for the sake of your emotional and physical health. It’s akin to a death. In all of us deep down inside is a self-preservation instinct that tells us to stop doing something in order to get healthier. Your comment tells me your self-perseveration instinct is screaming at you. Leaving this relationship will be difficult at best. Grief will be painful and may last a while. I would recommend a total and complete leaving. If she tries to contact you once you’ve left to reinstate the “cycle” again, the only condition that would prompt a consideration of her request is if you have undeniable proof she has “left her husband.” Otherwise, it’s the same old cycle. Remember, married women look for part-time lovers to triangulate because there is a “marital problem” they have chosen not to fix. Like all grief, it passes in time. Be kind to yourself during the process, hang around positive people, try to keep yourself focused on your health, and in time figure out why you would be attracted to an “unavailable woman.” Good luck, hope these thoughts help. Thank you for using my blog. Dr. Jordan

          • Franck

            Thank you for your comments Dr, it is appreciated, you taking time to offer advice is an exceptional gift!
            The one thing I cannot comprehend, and possibly you may be able to shed some light?

            She disclosed the affair to her husband, by writing a letter to him, the content of the letter I do not know.
            She stated to me, some time after, while questioning her, what his reaction was,
            He asked her if we had been away on trips together, she answered yes, he asked how long it had been going on?
            She told him.
            I asked her how was the home environment after this episode, she stated that they were both very polite to each other, that he did not ask for anymore details, and that their home life just continued on as if nothing really!, although she said she was surprised that he did not want details of the affair.
            He did not ask to separate, he did not treat with anger,although she could see he was not happy!

            This is after they had been to counselling, after her declaration of not feeling love for him, after telling him about a lot of things she was not happy with!

            I need to understand how he can still stay with her after all that was said and done!
            She stated to me that before the affair he would tell her he loved her every day! Sometimes a few times in a day, she was able to tell me, in the very beginning of our affair, that she knew he loved her more than she did him!

            So how does a man stay with a woman he loved so much, and she betrayed him, how does any man ignore that most destroying behaviour?

  3. Rocco

    I m in love with a married women. She is 65 and me just 18. She says she loves me but hve lots of young frnds like me. She even told me she can,t be with me bcse of her responsibilities, and she will always love me wht 2 do

  4. Jack

    “His superficial belief that he wants someone else’s woman for the convenience is a lie he defensively tells himself”
    You’d better believe this lie, for it’s truer than you’d want to believe. I thought it’s common knowledge that for men sex without commitment is a plus, that’s what the other man gets. while commitment without sex is a big minus, and that’s what the husband gets.
    Husbands with wandering wives are looked down upon for a good reason.

    • admin

      Thanks for your comment Jack. If sex (without commitment) is the only thing the guy in question is looking for than I agree he probably feels he succeeded in getting something for nothing. If he wants something more, sex with another man’s wife is going to feel empty. The lie is, it’s really empty. It’s defensive because most people try to avoid empty feelings when they have them. Most guys that I know (professionally) in this kind of situation, eventually tell me that sex without commitment isn’t good enough after awhile.

      Thanks again for your comment. It’s important to hear from my readers. Dr. J.

  5. Markus

    Hi, ….
    Where do I start? Its been over 2yrs that i have been “the other man” with the same intentions, fear of commitmient. It started a year after my devorce, includeing a failed job and income, had to move back home closer to family because I have custody of my beautiful daughter who is now almost 3yrs old. I will admit, during the seperation of my devorce I slept with anything that was attractive and who was willing. I also told each one I slept with “im not available emotionally for anything but sex.
    Then when I stopped sleeping around with the local bar hangouts and left a music band I started talking to this married women who I knew from school. She exposed after a week or 2 that her husband cheated on her 3 yrs ago. She mentioned to return the favor she had cheated on him with another married man that ended 6 months before talking to me..We would talk and laugh for hours on the phone and on the internet..This women and I have a connection emtionally, sexually, an attraction that we both know is what one would call “where were you al my life”. Again over 2 yrs . I should also mention her husband the sole financial provider as she was a stay at home mom with a 5 yr old and 7 yr old…After us seeing each other for over year, in sept of that first year, they had the house on the market, he moved out, and they were trying to plan out there devorce.Heres where it takes a twist that was unexpected (sense I thought in my mind this was the women I was going to settle down with (at the time i was 38yrs old). She found out in january that her husband was seeing the same girl he had the first affair with and she got angry at him because of who the person was..You know? The other women that in her mind started all this. It went down hill in a matter of a week or two. She was undecisive about stopping the devorce or moving forward. She told her husband about me , but she didnt go into details about the length of the affair.. I got the excuse of ” i need to give it one last shot for the 2 kids” . The husband moved back in. it wasnt easy, after only 3 weeks of not seeing each other and a few text messages back and fourth of “i miss you so much” ilove you so much”… I tried to ignore her, I tried to go out on dates with some really atractive women, which I couldnt even sleep with?? Thats not me lol. I would lay in bed with a women and not even get turned on, my mind would be telling me “I wished this was KEM…I told her this in a phone convo after this happend to me 2 times. She asked to see me for a chat. From there it took off again. I told her that I wouldnt pressure her about getting a devorce, I also told her I was in the state of mind that haveing 50% of her mind and body was better then nothing. thats because I was in, I know that she loves me, we laugh , we cry, we just belong. Now here comes july..BOOOM he is caught cheating again with the same girl.The “other girl” emailed KEM and let her know that the night before thre aniversery 3 weeks prior that her husband was with her..yepp, yet again!! KEM was angry but didnt have a melt down, like before in january. But She is still depressed , about not seeing me as much , missing me , wishing she could get her fears out of the way and the messed up situation. Here is a women that belived in marriage, had a good up bringing, is intelligent but is scared to make that jump, scared about the unknown…unknown meaning where will she live, how will she survive. (she cant move in with me because of the kids which we both agree, it would be 2 new for them), she would have to relocate her and her 2 boys closer to family or to live with family. The only thing stopping her is FEAR, which means shes broken, now I know that, Shes insecure and unsure of her own strength.. No matter what I say to solve the issues its a Trust prolblem..Not trusting if she can come out on top. ..I will let you know that her husband and I make the same amount of income just under 80k, but I am starting over per say? .. I can’t make excuses or everyone in this triangle or square lol but the only thing I can say is that I am too much in love to lose her. I cant imagine living with out her. I tried the friend thing with her back in jan -feb and that didnt work. Social media doesn’t help this situation… KEM is very very jelious of any women that proceeds to like me or interested in me. If .. Im writing this today just because. Just to tell my story..I do know that it coluld be a heartbreak for me whether she stays or goes as far as the marriage. I dont want to share her anymore. I dont like hiding my feelings for her. It may never be normal, but I dont know how to get awy from the situation or maybe I don’t want to leave, in my head I need her . Im 40yrs old now, I’m very logical but obviously love can blind you, Im a professional, and a full time daddy of a 3yrs old…I hate asking for help I guess, and Im worried that if I some how can gain the strength to leave that I will miss out on an opprotunity of having this women intil we die…Id like to say “IM LOST”

    • admin

      Thank you Markus for your comment. Your story is filled with love and pain. Sometimes, we can get into a situation where the feeling of love emerges but the person we are loving is not quite emotionally available to share that love totally. This is the thought and feeling I was trying to convey in my post. This is the thought and feeling I sense in your story. The love is real but it is the wrong time and place. When this happens we can find ourselves in the middle somewhere between love and loss. It is time to take care of yourself. I know you don’t like asking for help. But now is the time to let yourself be helped by someone who can guide you in making the best decisions for you and your daughter. Kem has to figure out what to do with her marriage, otherwise your relationship will continue to hurt. Find a professional person you feel comfortable telling this story to. Sometimes it’s best to interview a couple of therapists before you pick the one you feel comfortable with. Use your feelings as a guide, but remember, you don’t like to ask for help so there will be a voice inside that will try to discourage you. Put that to the side. Your need for help does not make you weak. Just the contrary. Someday you’ll be teaching your daughter how to take care of her emotional life. Time to practice on you. Take care, and thanks again for your comment. Dr. J.

  6. Gem

    Hey.. Your article is exactly the same situation I am going through as an ‘other guy’… She claims we are soulmates but we can never be together and she doesn want it to end either…. I am really attached to her and so is she to me…

    • admin

      The hard part is knowing that your relationship is ‘limited’ by her marriage. What usually happens is, the man in your position figures out when its time to move on because he has ‘outgrown’ this limitation in the relationship. She’ll probably stay as she is because she figures she got everything she needs (i.e. husband and lover). Take care of yourself. Thanks for your comment. Dr.J.

      • Gem

        Hi,
        Cant believe its been two years since I posted the comment.Anyways, Im still the ‘other man’
        and nowadays she isnt available as she used to be and doesn care or react as she used to.If any argument happens, she brings up her issues with her husband and makes a point that im fighting for silly reasons.She talks bout future plans bout her husband,Infact she has told tat he takes care of her needs better than me.she claims that she is really attached to meLately she has been asking me to move on.Not sure whats going on.

        • B

          She is trying to let you go. Move on man. She doesn’t belong to you. She is MARRIED. Hands off! Rather she acts married or not…cheats with you or not…She is another man’s woman. Why be an infidel? or nurture one. Don’t you think it is selfish? That’s the only reason why you can not walk away from it. Sorry to be so blunt. I don’t mean to hurt you more. But that is what I see in this situation. Because I experienced it first hand. I played the married wife cheating on her man. Could not walk away from it for selfish reasons. I justified my behavior because I was not passionately in love with my husband. My husband was controlling, boring, and unattractive to me. Why did I marry him? Because he was kind, loving, a Christian, and I could trust him. He would never break my heart. He loved me so much more than I loved him. He would never leave me. The problem with that was I underestimated my own need to be in love with him. I didn’t think it was important at the time; because I had been so scarred by boyfriends who only showed an interest in me that lasted 3 months or so. Then things would just fizzle out. It made me feel unattractive and low self esteem set in. I would hurt all the time. So I vowed I would never marry a man who didn’t love me more than I loved him. That is who my husband is. A man who loves me deeply. I love him too, but have never been in love with him. I have hurt my husband’s heart so many times by my rudeness and lack of sexual interest (even though we do have sex) but I rarely am interested because I don’t feel in love. I get frustrated. It is not his fault. It’s mine. I was a broken mess before I married him. Didn’t know it though.
          Anyway. My point is. I took a vow with this man in the presence of God. I married for keeps. My husband doesn’t beat me, or has cheated on me or anything. He has been a faithful loving man the whole time. My cheating is due to my own personal affliction. I let go that other man because I didn’t want to be selfish and hurt a this man who I have been married to for 23 years and gave me two beautiful children. My reasons for cheating were not justifiable. Neither are yours sir. she is cheating, but so are you. All marriages have problems. It is wrong to be the usurper of the opportunity for a marriage to recover. You must remove yourself from the picture. True love does not behave like this. Sneaky, lying, covenant breaker or intruder. It is not selfish. It is honorable. You must pull yourself together and live according to a higher principle; and redefined what true love is and how it behaves…even under the most difficult circumstances. Trust and fidelity.
          I wanted to feel the passion of being in love so bad, I dropped my Christian morals and I allowed my self to be wooed by another man. Darling, whatever your reasons were for getting in too deep with this woman, remember this… She belongs to another. She will never be truly yours and could never love you with a love that is true and faithful; not as long as she is married. Is that really what you want? Get out the way and allow her marriage to recover if you really love her. Let her go. Respect the bonds of marriage PERIOD. If she wants to end her marriage…she needs to do that without your emotional presence and help. If she decides to stay in it; good for her. In your unbiased opinion…you know it is a beautiful thing when couples can save their marriage and rekindle flames they thought were dead. Don’t hate if you end up with out her. You will learn to love again…after you have closure and allow your self to heal. You will be a better man for it. Rejection hurts, but not forever. Be a man of integrity. Is it not important that you be able to hold your own head up and look your self in the mirror and know you didn’t stand in the way of a marriage that is trying to save itself. If you were the husband and still loved your wife (no matter how ugly and hopeless things may appear in your marriage) You don’t want another man getting in the way.

          Don’t be the other man standing in the way of your marriage.

          Praying you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

      • AJR

        I met her online replying to a story she wrote asking what she meant in the story. Were both married.in our 50s ,she’s in a non physical marriage for several years, I was basically lonely as my wife’s career has me riding in the back seat , looking to flirt , maybe see if I was desirable after all these years. After A couple weeks flirting via email we met for coffee. She parked next to me and I watched as she entered the coffee shop. It took me a few seconds to commit. Shaking I follow shortly after and sat down facing her. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her eyes as we conversed. She is a very beautiful women inside and out, one of the one in a thousand women men are looking for to marry. She later confessed it made her rather uncomfortable the way I was looking at her. The sparks instantly ignited and we have have been in contact for over 3 years now. We do love each other, but we also still love our spouses, not in the same way but they have been in our lives almost all our lives. Both spouses have a serious medical condition. My lust for her is beyond my past life experience, she tells me she feels the same. were like two 16 year old kids when were together which isn’t as often as in the past.Her job had changed which has effected the window of time we once had. Although I am back to being lonely as I once was we do still talk and text every day.My love for her has not subsided. As your article interluded to We both believe our spouses sense something is going on but suspicion is as far as the inquiries have gone. Our families have never met . I don’t know if our triangle will turn out as you describe but I don’t see our relationship ending anytime soon. we are trusted best friends, lovers, maybe past loves in a past life if there is such a thing. Her birthday is next week and I’m looking forward to doing something special for her. Do you feel it’s possible to have two loves in one’s life at the same time as we seem to be juggling?

    • David

      It’s funny how similar all these situations are, which now includes my own. I reconnected with an old girlfriend from when I was much younger a few years ago at my sisters wedding. Her husband was unable to attend and even though I was attracted to her and she was hitting on me that night I kept my distance knowing she was married. She kept finding me and talking about old times and flirting and as the alcohol started to ease my trepidation of messing around with her we wound up sleeping together that night, as well as, the rest of the week I was in town. She told me that she hadn’t had sex with her husband in nearly a year and my sister confirmed that they were basically friends raising children at this point, so it didn’t feel like I was a homewrecker and it felt good taking this beautiful, intelligent, funny woman out with me. Even though I kept an arms distance and tried to keep my head about “us” things started getting serious a few months into it. We spent Valentine’s together and professed our love. We’ve shared everything together since. Our hopes and dreams, our successes and failures and our proudest moments and biggest regrets. We’ve been on trips and traveled cross-country and she always insisted that we go dutch on hotels and dinners so that I knew that she wanted to be with me for all the right reasons. She told me of an 8-year plan to exit the marriage and get her two girls off to college. Originally I accepted it and figured that would give me time to get my own kids out of the house. She has spent a lot of time here at my house and my children are comfortable with her including me ex-wife. Her husband has known of the affair for years now and have exchanged a few unpleasant texts when her whereabouts were unknown to him. She’s told the rest of her family of my existence and I’ve heard and seen it so there’s no conspiracy. So I thought maybe I could integrate into her circle as well, but apparently that’s still off limits because of the marriage. She says that pushing it in her husbands face will make it all come to a head and has already told her he doesn’t want me around their kids. Like every relationship we’ve had our ups and downs and have dealt with our own issues, but I’m having trouble with this. I’ve wanted more from this since the beginning, but knowing of her arrangement didn’t believe it was the right thing to do or ask for and now that I have and been told no, I feel rejected despite knowing I agreed to this plan of exit. I feel I am wasting time hoping for something that may never come and worry that in the meantime she may either find a way to reconnect with him or find another situation that is ideal. So I have tried very hard to end it over the last several months. The harder I try to move on, the harder she makes it to do so. She came and spent a week with me recently to reassure me of our love, but I’m just not sold. Time changes things and 8 years is a very long time to settle for 5%-10% of someones time and hope for the best. I love her with all my heart, but I’m no fool and seeing as how I’ve been limited in being in her life while letting her envelope herself in mine see no way to continue. She has continued telling me how much she loves me and how I’m crushing her and breaking her heart by not participating any longer, but she remains true to her word that I cannot cross that line in her life right now. Being the “other man” is no picnic, even when you do your best to keep the expectation low…..

  7. LB

    This is an extremely insightful article. I have been going through a situation as the “other guy” for almost a year. I became freinds with this woman about 2 years ago while working together on the same team. We developed an amaizng friendship and had an unbelievable connection and chemistry. Bad part is her husband worked for the same company and I had previously worked with him. It was apparent even during that time theat they did not have a marriage that was very intimate. Needless to say over the course of time her and I developed a great friendship and had begun spending more time together going to happy hours, lunch, dinners, etc. Eventually we began a relatiosnhip in which we would see each other 5-7 days a week. She would not elave her husband though said she wanted to be with me. They would take trips, and do things taht normal married couples do. All while she would be communicating with me, telling me how much she loved me and would rather be hanging with me. She claimed she just didn’t trust that I cared for her enough and needed to be sure about us before she would make a move. Eventually, I got to that point where I knew I needed more from her. I love her very much and care very deeply for her. I love spending time with her and she is someone who I could defintiely see myself in a long term relationship with. SHe claimed she did not want to just up and leave her situation becasue of a hosue, pets, and wasnt sure how her family would feel about it. I had grown tired of being in this situation, and had finally got the courage to end things with her. Of course only within weeks she calls me, emails me telling me she finally has had the conversation with him and her family that they are going to separate. She has been to counseling, and has made the decision she is going to end her marriage. She still has not left, although its only been 2 more weeks since this ahs taken place. I have begun to tlak to someone else, who is a great person, an attractive person, but not someone I am extremely attracted to nor have that special connection with. I do not feel I will have that with anyone else in my life. I am very hurt by all that took place, but I am still in love with this woman and she claims to be in love with me and never felt anything like she has for me with anyone else. In my heart, I want to be with her. I know what happened was wrong. I know that if she truly is leaving her situation we could be happy. I am also worreid what my family will think and others. I also wonder if it is healthy and if I should continue to see her and be there for her as a friend. As a freind I know it is a tough time for her. I also know I have a strong attachment to her and do not want to end up getting hurt myself now or in the long run. Any suggestions?

    • admin

      Hi LB, thanks for your comment. It sounds like you and she have ‘chemistry.’ I think it is entirely possible to meet someone and fall in love regardless of what is going on in their lives. There’s no denying your feelings. Problem is, it sounds like she is not really ready to separate from her husband and her family’s judgment of her actions and choices. So she is doing what anyone would do in her situation, hang onto everything at the same time. On your side, you said something very important when you indicated that you got to a point where you realize you need more from her. That’s important. It’s natural to outgrow a limited arrangement and get to a point where you want something deeper and more fulfilling. I think it was just a matter of time. The fact that she is seeing someone in counseling may help her with her ambivalence. The only problem is it may not happen fast enough. Questions always come up like, how long can you wait? And, is she really serious about leaving her husband? When someone like yourself who has fallen for a married woman starts getting fed up and starts dating other women, I expect (as you experienced) that at the beginning nobody is going to measure up. Don’t forget you are still in love with her. It takes a little time to let go of the hope and realize that you love someone you can’t have right now. Once you’ve accepted that you’ll start thinking about taking really good care of your heart and your own life. Her work, which she can only do by herself, is to make a ‘real’ decision about her marriage. The issue of ‘friendship’ is a tough one. Staying friends with someone you love but can’t have right now will be hard on you. I don’t know much about your personality, meaning, would you be able to cope with the frustration and go on with your love-life? I’ve known people that have gone one way or the other on this. I hope this brainstorming has been helpful to you. Thanks for visiting my site. Knowing that real people like you are reading this blog is why I write. Dr. J.

      • kk

        dear lb,
        not everybody is lucky that you have been able to feel a connection with another human being, the way you have. And I would assume that many would not be able to understand what you feel or are going through, simply because they have not experienced what you have I myself have experienced that deep connection with another soul, and feel compelled to comment, especially after reading the previous comment.
        The fact that that your woman is leaving her marriage, is clearly good news. this should be seen as a sign of hope and a chance to be able to lead the life you want with the woman you love. Because, she’s making that choice to try and be with you, as difficult as it is for her. Cynicism at this point is unwarranted and detrimental to the happiness all of us who seek it. This sort of cynicism kills even the idea happiness. I wish you would simply trust your heart and instincts and seek love and meaning in your life. As the wise doctor said, things are under her control. But they are under your control too.
        And for every ‘heading off into the sunset with the ‘other man’ ready to set up a new love-life tends not to happen’, we see the world around us filled with people leaving their marriages to marry yet again to get a second chance in love. If it weren’t happening, there wouldn’t be so many divorce lawyers around, would they?

        • Scott

          I do take some issue with the idea that the “other man” rarely ends up with the object of his affection. For instance, 16 years ago I worked with two people (each of whom were married) that had an affair with each other. They ended up getting divorced from their partners and getting married to each other a year or two later. They still remain marred (with kids) all of this time later.

          We have to be careful not to generalize too heavily when it comes to these situations. I think that there are too many cliches thrown around by people when it comes to marriage, affairs, divorce, etc. They will generalize too much. There may be a greater likelihood of something happening in situations like this but we can’t assume anything universally.

          • Dr. Jordan

            Interesting. I would suggest that the “key” is they both decided to leave their respective spouses. The problem with love triangles is the married or committed lover does not want to leave his or her spouse. Instead, a third party becomes the “solution” to whatever marital or relationship issue exists. If you are in a triangle and your lover decides to actually (and really) leave his or her marriage, you’ve got a better chance at love. The only complication would be needing a little time to clear one’s head before jumping into another committed relationship (avoid rebound). Thanks for your comment. Dr.J.

    • PS

      Hi this is very similar to my story but I am the woman I just wanted to know your city and just the first letter in your first and last name and if you quit talking to her when you got a girlfriend and had a baby. If your him I miss you but am very happy for you. Most is the same but if you were not any intmacy. But if it is you I miss my friend I wanted you to be happy and have a.baby. You did not need to just quit talking to me all together for years. Sorry if I have the wrong person.

    • T.O.M.

      LB- What happened? Out of all the comments here, you are describing my situation to a tee. I’m on the verge of shutting it down w my girlfriend (the married woman). I feel like she will never leave/divorce on her own. Its been over 3 years and I’d love to know how this worked out for you.

      • Marci Morris

        Hi Tom, I was curious how you feel/felt through your situation. I’m the married woman and am having an emotional affair with a man I’very known for 30 years. My husband knows I want a divorce and has suspicions about the guy and has threatened to have him hurt. IDK what to do.

  8. dbos

    Thanks for the article. I am in a pretty different situation here. I fell in love with a gal thinking she was single, our love got deep, then intimate with time.. After more than half an year she opened up a truth which she hid from me that she got married 3 years back and for the past 2.5 years she is away from her husband. She said she hid the truth from me because she was afraid that she might lose me. She was unhappy with her husband, there has been instances where she was tortured by her husband. Husband didnt contact her for past 2.5 years after she got out of his home. She has totally got him out of her mind and she had made various attempts to get divorce but all were in vain because for some reason husband doesnt want the divorce to happen (she thinks its because he is afraid that part of his wealth might go to her on seperation but am not sure if this is ‘his’ reason).

    I love her very much as I began loving her thinking she was single, but still I couldnt let myself walk away when she said the truth because my heart said she is a wonderful woman, I dont mind her virginity, I love her and wish her for rest of my life as my wife. So I adviced her to get divorce(which she has been trying before me coming into her life) but she says local laws prevent her from getting immediate divorce unless her husband accepts for it. Else she has to wait for 4.5 more years now after which court can grant her a divorce for not being together for 7 years.

    Am pretty determined to wait until she gets divorce, even she agrees to wait but also make continued attempts to obtain immediate divorce. But until then she insists for the love and romance between us to continue. Kindly advice.

    • admin

      Hello dbos, thank you for your comment. Lying in love is never good. But some lies are less destructive than others. You said, your lover lied to you about her marital status in order not to scare you away. To my mind, that is a lie motivated by the fear of losing love. I sincerely hope that is the last time your lover lies to you, and I would tell her directly that is your hope. The specifics of her marriage sound dreadful and it’s good that she left. It wasn’t much of a marriage anyway. In fact it sounds more abusive than anything else. She is basically dealing with the legal issue of divorce. I don’t sense a shred of ambivalence in her regarding her marriage. So in my mind she appears to be ‘available’ and in love with you. The only issue I would be concerned about is whether she is ’emotionally’ finished with the marriage. Sometimes people run away from a marriage when it dies without taking a little time to collect themselves, clear the old out and make space for the new, before jumping into another relationship. But in her case, it does sounds like there has been sufficient time out of the marriage to clear her head and make herself available in the relationship with you. So I say to you, go for it. Treat her well, and over time help her get her bad marriage out of her mind, by simply loving her. Thanks again for your heartfelt comment. Dr. J.

      • dbos

        Thanks Dr.J. It is always nice to hear what I did is right from a person like you. I want a very happy life with her and hope all the dreams which me and her share come true. Yes she promised me that there are no more lies she has got to hide from me. I warned her too that my heart cant take one more lie.

        Recently I asked her a question about how would she feel if she receives a news that her husband is dead. Her immediate reply was she would feel sad for few minutes, with a few tears. She said the tears are because even though he was a bad guy, she says she was true to him for few months. She adds that had sex with him and that she respects the fact that she lost her virginity to him. But she said ‘that doesnt mean’ she has any kind of emotionally feeling in her heart towards him. She adds that she had actually lost virginity of her heart and mind to me. 🙂

        I just left it there thinking that was normal. How do you view her response? Thanks again.

        • admin

          Hello dbos, It sounds to me like she really loves you. You’re a lucky man. She also sounds like she is trying to be honest with you. If the two of you practice telling each other your real feelings and thoughts, you’ll be able to solve all the problems that can come up in a good relationship. Hope you find other relevant posts on the site as well. I have been trying to write about different kinds of love-life experience. Good luck. Dr. J.

  9. thank you

    I am very appreciative for your advice and explanation of this triangle. I am a female. I am sort-of another woman. Originally, I thought I was dating someone single, separated, pending divorce. We were friends for 9months before we kissed. I knew he wasn’t divorced yet and I knew he didn’t want a relationship, but at the time I met him and for 8 months, I was dating someone else. One month after breaking it off with my boyfriend, my friend and I kissed and it was the most passionate feeling ever for me. I couldn’t believe it. So now it’s been 2 more years and I’ve been with other men up until the last year, which he knew about. Over the past year, it has become clearer that he loves his wife and wants to make it work. Because I enjoy our physical relationship so much, and I don’t know anyone else well enough, I prefer continuing our relationship than ending it. I know that I should end it, but this is a huge challenge. I really enjoy intimacy and I don’t want to go without. I don’t want to be with men I don’t care about. Anyway, most articles I’ve read with opposite genders to your article, have been written in an accusative tone. I’m thankful that your story and advice is written in a way that impinges, without setting off my defenses. I know I need to break the triangle, but I am being stubborn because I have never felt so much compassion, friendship and physical desire for the same man.

    • admin

      Hi, Thank you for your thank you. What I am understanding is that you fell in love with a married man who has no intention to leave his wife. The two of you have a pleasurable sexual relationship you don’t want to give up. Your situation illustrates the fact that love can and does show up even in circumstances where it has no chance of growing. I agree with what you already ‘know,’ that it is time to ‘break the triangle.’ Look at it this way, the fact that you have found compassion, friendship, and physical desire in the same man tells me that you are ready for a deeper love. Your married friend was/is a stepping stone in your love-life development. Now you have to take the risk to find, compassion, friendship, and sexual desire in an ‘available man.’ The hard part will be to tolerate being on your own for a time while you interact with available men. Remember he has much less to lose than you. He already has an attachment to a person he wants to love more deeply (wife). You are the single person in this story. You could waste a lot of time and end up ignoring the signs in you that tell you that you are ready to find a deeper more fulfilling love. He will probably want to hang onto you. I think when a man in his position lets go of a woman like you it is an act of love. Dr. J.

  10. Marcus Vetter

    Thank you so much, Dr.J!

    I was so glad to find this blog here, since I also have my very thrilling story being the “other one”. Since I have to gather all my guts to write down my story here, wich I will do at a time, but I am so curious, if you can tell me about another fact??.
    Obviously a “triangle” seems to be quite predictive to fail for the “other one”. But is there some hope it does work out the other way round? In other words: Do you know know exmples, where it came to a “happy ending” in the triangle with the “other one”? A real change?
    What has to be the basis to walk out this way?

    best regards
    M. from Germany

    • admin

      Hi Marcus, Thank you for your comment. In my experience you might get to a “happy ending” if the following 5 things happen: #1 the chemistry of love (not just sex) is strong between the two people in the triangle to begin with; #2 your relationship then ‘ends’ because your married lover has to now attend to the issue of his or her marriage (because your current relationship is distorted by the fact of being part of a triangle); #3 he or she leaves, as in divorces, his or her spouse (anything less than divorce is not really leaving); #4 he or she sets up an independent existence apart from the divorced spouse (this is necessary to avoid or diminish ‘rebound’ or jumping into a new relationship without emotionally letting go of the last one) and; #5 if you are ‘available’ after all of these changes on his or her part, the two of you will have an opportunity to set up a ‘non-trianguled’ love relationship (the usual kind) and see where it takes you. I hope that was helpful. Let me know what you think. Thanks for visiting my blog. Dr.J.

  11. Curtis Bergeron

    This is a very good article. I have been going through a situation like LB posted above as the “other guy” for 2 years now. This woman and I have been very good friends for about 5 years now. Back in January of 2010 we went on the first of 3 company trips together, training trips. It was a very good trip and I realized in a hurry that I cared for this woman more than I ever realized. We later went on 2 more trips in May and June of 2010. On the last trip I told her how I felt about her in that I loved her and I knew I did at this point. She was a little shocked and then the next day we drove out to the Jersey shore to a beach and walked together on the beach and just had a blast together. We were both married at this point. Her husband worked at the same company that her and I worked at as well and I know him. She really appreciated the way that I treated and talked/listened to her. One thing to understand, this relationship has never went sexual but it is definitely very emotional. Well, my marriage fell apart in a hurry when my wife understood that I loved another woman. I told her we could move but she did not want to and in a small town as a computer programmer there are not many options. So, she decided enough was enough and asked for the divorce. Now, as for the woman, she is very Catholic and very co-dependent. But, from June til December of 2010 her relationship went south and her husband knew about me. She told me about a lot of issues in their marriage and we even went as far as discussing sex, etc… Her and I are very much alike and her and her husband are complete opposites with nothing in common. She has two kids but they were from her first husband who committed suicide. Anyway, our relationship kept growing and growing all the way through January of 2011. I think each of us worked more than we spent time at home… Never sexual but we did a lot of playing around and learning everything about each other. In January of 2011 she asked him for a divorce and I do not know what happened but she started coming to work and saying “I feel like I should work on my marriage some more”. I think because her sister told her that she had to do everything in her power as a Catholic before she could get divorced. I was not to happy because I tried walking away in October of 2010 and she said “I don’t want to lose you” and “that’s it, you’re just done, you quitting too?”.
    Well, then came May. At one point her and I were talking about going on vacation and she told me to text her husband and ask him if it was ok. Well, after verifying several times and having her give me his cell number I did. He had bought a house when she asked for the divorce and he decided at that point that it was time to move out. Well, about 2 weeks later I don’t know what happened but I got drunk one night and put my .40 caliber pistol to my head in front of a friend at which point he hauled me to the mental health facility. Yea sorry, have to be honest. The day I got out I went back to work and promptly got called to HR and was told I was being investigated for our relationship. 4 days later I was terminated.
    She was very frustrated with me for awhile and her husband moved back home but that soon turned around. I started going to see her when she ran and walked as she runs 4 miles quite often. We did lots of things, layed in the ditch and flirted, etc. One day I met her out there while she was walking and she had a couple glasses of wine. She hopped in the front seat of my truck and said “So, what do you want to know?” She also said “I better be careful because you might crawl in here on top of me.” Well, I already knew she loved me from the look in her eyes and since she is so Catholic she can’t admit it. Then a little later I picked her up and stuck her in the backseat. We talked and starred into each other’s eyes and she says to me “Is your heart beating about a million miles an hour?” DUH!!! She would even joke with me about not wearing underwear and feeling her up, etc. I used to take her flowers at lunch quite often and I remember one day, I had picked her up in the entry and layed her on the floor and was straddling her and she said “What would you do if my husband walked in right now?”, then she said “You don’t care do you?”, nope I really didn’t care. Would probably have been the best thing for me. He has even followed me around, rode my bumper and honked at me, etc…
    Anyway, guess the point is that I Love this woman like crazy and I know she loves me. She is very Catholic and says “You have gotten all the signs you need but I am not getting what I need”. She is very co-dependent and we live in a small town. She will not make a decision unless the dear lord tells her too. She tells me and her husband that it is our choice as to whether to hang on or not. I can’t give her up, don’t have the strength. She hates that she makes two men miserable daily. She would love for me to be her friend because she says she loves so many things about me such as the fact that she can tell me anything. I cannot do it though, that much I am sure of… I don’t even think I can deal with living in this town anymore if she stays with her husband and it sucks because my kids are here. Any suggestions?

    • admin

      Thanks for your comment Curtis. It’s clear to me that you and she have a great dose of chemistry between the two of you. That always makes loving a married woman more difficult. At some point, and this pretty much always happens, you are going to want more than she can give. She has an attachment to her husband she is hanging onto although she may not even understand why. She has a great time with you, enjoys the friendship parts of your relationship, yet she can’t just leave her husband and have a more ‘quality’ relationship with you. If the gun episode indicates that you are suicidal over this potential heartbreak I would get yourself to a treatment experience right away. Emotional pain is best put into words rather than acted upon in potentially destructive ways. I’ll say to you what I usually say to men in your kind of situation, you deserve more than she can give you. You are the one with the most to loss in this situation. If you are willing to settle for less than what I think you want (need), you can try being her intimate, interesting, adventurous friend, maybe with an occasional sexual encounter. But like you said about her request for friendship, “I cannot do it, that much I am sure of….” If that’s your heart talking you need to plan your departure. You say you don’t have the strength right now to leave. OK, consider this, it may take more strength to stay. Staying means being perpetually frustrated, teased, tempted, at times unbearably so. That takes a heavy emotional toll on a man. Take care of yourself. Shut it down and see whether she is willing to make any real serious changes in her situation. If not, you know it’s better not to waste any more of your time. Start healing yourself as soon as possible. You may even have a little left over feeling about your marriage ending the way it did to review and contend with. Oh by the way, going in and out of a dead-end relationship with a married woman is also pretty taxing. So once you leave, don’t look back unless she makes a serious change in her situation for herself and you. Thanks for checking out my site. Hope you keep finding useful love-life info on it. Thanks, Dr. J.

  12. David

    Great article. I am the husband of this story. Approx 9 yrs ago my wife and I separated for about 2 months because I had asked her to stop speaking to the 3rd leg, which at the time was a non-sexual relationship. During the separation she spoke to him more and the no-sexual relationship became sexual. When she returned she apologized for all the wrong doings, but told me that she still needed to collect on $100.00 that he had borrowed from her. Well as you can guess the $100.00 was never collected. Even though I had an idea of what was going,I thought it would end, out of site out of mind mentality. So last year on November of 2011 my wife told me everything. She had told me that for 8 yrs she had been talking and engaged in sexual relations with him a handful of times. I then told her that I would like her to stop all communication with him. She told me that if she stops she gets anxious as if she needs to talk to him. In January the “3rd leg” approached me at my home and began to tell me everything my wife had told me in November of 2011. I had no reaction because I already knew, I asked him to leave or I would call the law on him. At the end of the month I went on a 2 month business trip, of which she spent 2 weeks with me. During my absence she continued communication with him until she boarded the plane. While with me she had no communication with him at all. When we arrived she received a text that he had died so then she promptly tried to contact him. And since then she she has tried to stop talking to him he threatens to tell her family about the affair. She gives in and the communication continues.
    I have spoken with her after I read your article and I believe I am spot on. My wife is not looking for a sexual relationship with the third leg, she is looking for something she can’t find at home and that is open communication. So now the question is how can she stop all communication with the “3rd leg”? your response would be greatly appreciated.

    • Thank you David for your e-mail. I am so glad that you found my article helpful. It appears that you and your wife have something to ‘work on’ in your marriage. I imagine that the ‘3rd leg’ came into your lives because of certain things that are ‘missing’ in your marital relationship. Your wife loves you but needs what is missing. It is common for a triangle to form for reasons other than sex. Let’s assume that you as a professional or businessman have a very busy work life. Perhaps you are involved in your work in ways that, not necessarily consciously, distance you from your wife. Some wives feel the ‘absence’ of their husbands but don’t know how to confront the problem before it gets to big. Instead, the wife feels the loss and tries to live with it. After a while, another man senses the feelings of need in her and tries to use that as a way to get into her heart. To her sex is not the primary goal, and she doesn’t stop loving her husband. The attraction is based on getting those ‘needs’ met, so a triangle forms. You used the phrase ‘open communication’ to describe what may be missing at home. I thought that was great and you were on the right track. Now, you may need to do a little work on yourself as well. There may be something about open communication that feels foreign or uncomfortable to you. If you keep an open mind and don’t over-react to your discomfort, you will allow yourself to learn new things about yourself that will help improve your marriage. A couple of footnotes, sometimes what happens in a marriage has meaning that takes a person back in time. The ‘3rd leg’ may remind her of someone, or something about that relationship may have some kind of personal meaning to her. This could also help account for the ‘addictive’ feel of it for her. It’s important to find out if it does. Also, a short course of couples treatment with a competent therapist who won’t take sides but help the two of you develop that open communication would be useful (read this earlier post if you choose to go in that direction, “Know This Before Starting Couples Therapy”). You sound like a very thoughtful and intelligent man and I think a short couples therapy would be very useful. I have worked with men in your position who told their wives that a couples counseling experience was a ‘condition’ of keeping the marriage together. They said this to avoid falling back into the same old painful cycle. Thanks again for your comment. Hope you continue to find my blog of use to you. Dr. J.

  13. Miserable

    Ok, so I don’t know you but your blog really hits home. I see folks opening up here to you and your advice is mostly neutral and sound. This really makes me think about my current situation and the situation I’ve been in for a while. I will describe in short here anonymously.

    I’m the other man; however the relationship I have with this woman is not sexual. But those feelings exist and are very strong; our chemistry is off the charts and sex has been a topic. I’m in miserable shape, emotionally that is. I don’t sleep, my mind never rests and she’s the number one topic in my thoughts. This has been going on for months and months. The fear I have is going too far will lead her to regret, guilt, and, ultimately, leaving me alone entirely. She became my best friend at first over the course of a few years. She was there for me via text, email, phone calls, thru failed relationships I’ve tried along the way. She would consult me, advise me, and be the ear I needed to talk to, my buddy, my best friend. She lives with her husband several hours away from me. When she’s home, we used to chat on a regular basis, consult in me, tell me about her day, we’d laugh and cry together, I would be the first person she would contact when she had news. She would come visit me, with husband and child in tow, and we’d go out for lunch alone together. This occurred a few times only when she’s able to get away for family functions since part of her family lives nearby. She pursued me hot-and-heavy, would tell me that I’m perfect, a wonderful man, would give me pet names like sweetie and cutie, made me feel great and valued, but I kept my shield up and remained just friends. Finally, one time she was visiting me, it just hit me. I realized that I’m in love with this woman. From there on, it’s been so incredibly hard. She goes on about her life with her husband and child; I go on about my unmarried life. But the communication that used to be there has fizzled to practically a standstill. We talked endless times about just cutting communication entirely for the sake of her marriage, each time deciding to still be there for each other. But now, the buddy I used to know now feels like just a friend. I do still talk with her on the phone almost daily. But the overall frequency of communication has diminished. We decided not to see each other a few months back when the opportunity presented itself. And after a few months apart, we met up again and those feelings that have been below the surface resurfaced and the wounds reopened. We’ve talked about this several times over the past months and each talk becomes more and more familiar as if we’ve been here before. This time, she said to me she won’t leave him. I’ve been ripped apart because I know that’s what I would take for us to be together. She has also cited that she won’t leave him due to her child. This leads me to believe she might love her husband, but is no longer IN love with her husband yet the security and life she currently has is too entrenched and too convenient. Why take a chance and a road unfamiliar. We don’t talk about the subject of her husband, but he HAS to know what’s up and that something is amiss in his marriage. He’s a good guy and is good to her child too. Yet, when we are together, we are one and hopelessly in love. When we are apart, we keep what we have a secret and just carry it with us. I’ve never, ever had a worse time getting over anyone, but I am trying via dating websites and distractions as best I can. Still, she’s always in the back of my mind. Misery. I love her so very much. When I’m with her, I can’t imagine life can get any better. And she loves me. The looks she gives me are indescribable. But this forbidden love is tearing me apart. I know that it would be best to just move on, leave her alone with her family. But I can’t. I’m admittedly weak. And she has admitted the same and says she wants me in her life too. The level to which we connected is one that I cannot describe in words. I’m lost. I always miss her and want her in my life forever. Then my biggest question has always been, why did she pursue me so hard when she knew she’d never leave her husband for me? How unfair. Thanks for listening.

    • Thank you for your sincere comment. I will call you M. which acknowledges your current suffering (misery) but at the same time acknowledges the fact you are indeed a ‘lover.’ Lovers are people who have the capacity to love deeply with the right partner. Quite obviously, you have fallen in love with a woman who is unavailable. Her marriage lacks the beauty and intimacy of your communication and connection with her. This being the case, she has found it somewhere else, in you. In a way you have made her life a ‘divided whole,’ divided amongst two people, you and her husband. She predictably does not want to leave her husband, which you rightfully acknowledge would be the only way your love with her could grow. She has no incentive to leave. Some people will choose love and its ambiguities over security and its predictabilities. She is not one of those people. If need be she will choose security over love, but her ‘preference’ is to have both security (husband) and the ‘limited’ but beautiful love she has with you. The fact that you have fallen in love with her tells me about your ‘need’ for love. The most hopeful possibility is you are ready to fall in love only this is not the right (available) person. I have known people who were not really ready to be in love until after they have fallen in love with someone who was not quite available (married person). It’s almost as if the heart is experimenting with an emotion that for some personal reason was easier to experience with someone who is not available before experiencing the emotion with someone who is. Your ‘task’ now is to cherish what you’ve had, but realize that it is time to think of your own ‘needs.’ You deserve more than she can give at this time. If you leave and she realizes she cannot live without you, she will leave her marriage. If she only grieves your absence but does not leave her husband, you’ll know she has no more to give you than what she currently gives, a limited part-time relationship in a love triangle with her husband. The important thing is not to get bitter. You have to realize that the separation I am talking about will hurt but it will also free you to fall in love with an available woman at some point in the future. Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is the emotion of sadness and loss that naturally appears when we walk away from a limited love. Your heart will heal in a while. Be patient and identify the recurrent pain of loss as something you need to get through to strengthen and prepare you for the next love. Treat yourself well during this period. Take good care of yourself and strengthen good friendships. The problem you’ve described to me is affecting a lot of people. The popularity of the posts I have written on this subject has even prompted me to offer a tele-workshop in February on the issue of falling in love with a married person. I thank you for your candor and honesty. I’m hoping my blog continues to be of use to you. Best, Dr. J.

      • Miserable

        Dr. J,

        Thanks very much for your reply. Your recommendations make perfect sense. I find it difficult to recall the experiences and memories we had together and not feel attached to them which, in turn, translates to feelings for her. And your advise hits home when you stated to “cherish what you had.” There’s so much that reminds me of her that I encounter practically daily, mostly places we’ve been together and even inanimate objects. In any case, we recently decided to give each other time away from one another. We are both still interested in being friends, if that’s even possible, so we’ll see how it goes. Do you believe that’s a sensible way of getting past this?

        Thanks again.

        • Thank you M. for your reply. Yes, I happen to think you are on the right ‘path.’ She needs to make a decision regarding her marriage outside of the ‘triangle.’ If she decides to stay in her marriage and make it better, then she gets the possibility of a better marriage and you get your freedom and an opportunity to find an ‘available’ woman. If she decides the marriage is not what she wants, she will have to become an ‘available single woman’ again. In that psychological/physical state you and she can start something new and not ‘triangular.’ If you see her leaving the marriage, separation, divorce, husband moves out or she gets her own place, you’ll have to decide whether you are willing to put in a ‘time investment.’ Meaning she will need a little time to get herself back to being single, and there are no guarantees. But you’ll get a real chance at having a more ‘normal’ love relationship, if its in the cards. Footnote: You know I have known people who were attractive to each other in the triangle and not so attracted out of a triangle.

          I may have mentioned this but think about my workshop on this topic in February (‘My Lover Is Married:’ Coping with the love triangle). It’ll certainly be a unique workshop. A lot of people dealing with this and not many learning opportunities going on. Thanks again for your response. Dr. J.

  14. Hazmat

    Wow. This is my recent past almost exactly. I see this and recognize its truth. Being the other man but not knowing at the begining then not caring (at least I tried to convince myself of that) once i found out and transitioning to caring to much at the end. I did this not once but twice with the same woman. She remains in an emotionally abusive relationship… Sadly, I would probably do it again. At least with this woman bacause of the intensity of our relationship/friendship. The emotional suffering has been immense but has also started me on a journey to recover my own heart and many positives have come out of it including reconnecting with my estranged children… I knew it couldn’t work but wish it had.

    • Thanks Matt for your great comment. Sounds like you are on your way. I like to say that love-life mistakes are worth making as long as we learn something about ourselves once it’s over. Be careful about making the same mistake over and over again. That kind of thing can spoil your ability to love and be loved later on. It’s like injuring something in the same spot over and over again. Healing gets harder to do after a while. The reconnecting with your kids part is wonderful. When you get reconnected, I would say to you, never let your love-life disturb those relationships again. If and when it does it’s usually a sign that things have gotten unhealthy. Falling in love with a married person is basically falling in love with an unavailable person. The dead end is always there no matter how intense the love might feel. I hope she does something about the abuse. Staying in an abusive relationship and trying to find a guy who can love her better in a triangle with her husband is never a long-term solution. I have some pretty good articles and audios on dealing with abuse. Maybe she’ll take a look. Take care, Matt. Dr. J.

  15. Corey

    Well reading that hit home like a freight train. Especially when you are the “other man” and are hoping for a sunset romantic ending.
    I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for 6 months and have totally fallen in love with her.
    Now I need wine or links to another blog telling me what I need to hear!!!
    . . . or maybe just a therapist.
    Thank-you reading this opened my eyes.

    • Thank you Corey for your comment. Your comment describes exactly the kind of reaction we hope for when providing useful information to people on our blog. Like you said, the hard part is when you fall in love with someone who is committed to someone else but not happy in that commitment. I figure the more you understand the pitfalls in your situation the better. If you are stuck in a cycle of frustration because she won’t leave her marriage, a therapist for the specific goal of getting you out of the triangle and into an ‘available’ love relationship can be very useful. So many people have been telling me that this post has helped them that we’e decided to do a tele-workshop on the topic in February. The tele-workshop is called: The Person I Love Is Married: Coping with the love triangle. Check it out. Thanks again. Good luck Corey. Dr. J.

  16. LR

    Beware some husbands or sons may kill if they find out you’re sleeping with their wife/married mother. And husbands become abusive if the wife cheats and gets pregnant. In that case, it sounded like the husband was very possessive of his wife.

    • Thank you LR for your comment. Unfortunately, some people react with violence when they are hurt because they don’t have another way to express what they feel. I know your right. There are many many cases of spouses and adult children reacting to something like this with rage. In my experience, when rage, violence, or abuse occurs instead of the more vulnerable feelings that can lead to healing and constructive changes, something destructive happens. It’s tragic. Thanks again for your comment. Dr.J.

      • LR

        I know teen and adult sons will react with rage when another man is a gentleman to their married mother or some will abuse the mother for cheating on the father as well. And when they are young, they will grow up to be untrusting and possessive of women too. For the young daughters who have mothers that cheat on their fathers, they will grow up thinking that it’s ladylike and feminine to cheat on their husbands or boyfriends and make them jealous like mothers instruct them to do, especially when a man dates a married woman with a young daughter who introduces her to him.

        In addition to that, yes, we’ve heard of manstresses, or other men, committing crimes, especially violent ones, against women, their husbands, boyfriends, or children, especially when the manstresses are gentlemen, compared to the woman’s husband or boyfriend. Yes, we hear of women cheating on their husbands or boyfriends with gentlemen who turn out to be dangerous, or bad. Women do cheat with losers.

        On top of that, I think you should write about what husbands should know about the other man because there are many things about him, especially bad things as well as the dangers of women cheating on their spouses and partners. Not only they risk an abusive spouse or partner but they also risk an abusive lover, or manstress, verbally, physically, and sexually as well as put their husbands, boyfriends, or children in danger of the manstresses.

        • Dr. Jordan

          Thanks LR for your comment. I will take your advice and turn my attention to what husbands should know, think about, and protect themselves from when triangles are involved. Thanks again. It’s great when I get this kind of feedback. Dr.J.

          • LR

            I’ve heard of husbands who end up being robbed or killed by the other man too, especially when he is jealous and doesn’t have as much money as he does. Sometimes their vehicles get stolen too, especially when they are expensive.

  17. MB

    I am a woman in a similar situation. Nothing sexual going on outside the marriage, but can’t seem to stop spending every waking minute thinking about a friend I have known for over a year or so now. My marriage is OK, about 20 years together – have survived some great stresses in recent years, but on meeting this friend and talking for the first time about simple things,briefly,I found myself unable to stop wanting to be with him (for life) ever since. I have not acted on it and have fought the feelings for nearly 2 years and only see him now and then at various functions. I am not very happy in my marriage, but persevere. I also have a strong faith which encourages me to persevere. I do seem to suffer alot, there is alot of pain, due to my desire to be with this other and my inaction.

  18. MB

    In addition to this, I have not spoken to anyone about my feelings for thi50s ‘other’. I suspect even he does not know, unless he intuits my feelings for him. He is single, early 50’s, I’m late 40’s. My husband is 15 years older than me. I never thought it would feel hard to love one man only. I don’t think my health can be standing up too well to the sense of leading a double life (even though not acted out in any way).

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you MB for your e-mail. When two people in a marriage drift apart, one of the things this state can create is interest in another person. Preferably someone who appears to offer, or could offer, what is absent, but needed, in the distant marriage. Now I am a great believer in doing one love thing at a time. It’s easier on the heart that way. Having said that, i think your marriage needs a jolt. If you are indeed as unhappy as you say your are, I say, let’s limit your unhappiness. What I mean is, your husband and you need to get into some difficult but important conversations. In my world, when someone tells a wife or husband that he or she is very unhappy with the relationship, if the person being talked to ‘cares’ he or she will feel the gravity of what is being communicated. This often ‘wakes up’ the couple to what has happened in their love-life, that old marital enemy called….’distance.’ Emotional distance is an insidious thing that chokes the life out of a relationship slowly over time. Now if your husband does not respond to this, that tells you a lot. It’s a little easier to make changes if you know you’re the only one making the changes. If he responds with concern, worry, reassurance, change, more love, etc. then you get a chance to make a decision about your marriage with the information that he cares and loves or needs you. If you make a move on your ‘secret love’ without first figuring out whether your marriage has any life left in it, you’re bound to set up a ‘triangle’ (you, him, and husband). I never liked triangles. They are limited, eventually painful, and very hard to get out of. MB, I hope this has been useful to you, and I hope you continue to use my Love-Life Learning Center. Take care, Dr.J.

      If you are interested in getting a little more help figuring this out, I do telephone consultations. You can register for one at my website. Here’s the link: http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/personal-consultation/.

      • MB

        Thanks Dr J. Some very level-headed advice. Just being able to tell someone the situation I am in seems to have afforded me greater clarity and a good dose of reality. In fact, I’m not feeling so much like a schoolgirl with a crush now, it’s moved me on to a more mature way of being I think. Wiser. Thanks again. I will work through this one way or another and not feel so alone about it all now.

      • MB

        Not much has changed. My husband has always said he doesn’t have “feelings” when I try and discuss things to do with the relationship – yet he tells me he loves me everyday..it doesn’t make sense. He always wants to avoid discussion of the relationship and when I tried recently, he said it was making him nervous, he disappeared and avoided me for hours, until the opportunity was gone. He is a good man generally speaking and probably doesn’t deserve this. I have teenage and adolescent children who I don’t want to hurt either. I don’t even know how the one I admire feels about me, but my instinct believes it is similar to how I feel about him. I feel I just want to be his friend forever, would help him in any way I could towards his happiness..even with meeting another woman if he is looking to settle down. It is such a nuisance this falling in love. I can’t seem to go backwards and undo it. I don’t want to lose the friendship, so I live with my unexpressed feelings and do the very best I can for my family and simply wait, for the feelings to settle. Since sharing about the situation with you I have felt more settled and when seeing my friend have felt more relaxed. There is alot of love there, on my part I can be sure, and so I will just keep being the best friend I can. He also has a strong faith and so would be unlikely to do anything rash, even if he did have feelings for me I am sure. Maybe it will just wear off. I have decided that telling him of my feelings might be the first step to doing alot of harm…and yet if I were to die tomorrow or something had happened to him I might wish he had known how much I cared. I feel that using self control and self discipline and whatever wisdom I can find, might enable me to continue to love my friend deeply, accept that it might never go further and give my husband and children the mother and wife they deserve. Dr J are there any warning signs here I should be concerned about or does this all sound like a good idea?

        • Dr. Jordan

          Hi MB, thank you for your comment. I have never been big on trying to get away from feelings of being in love. Even though I can appreciate the obligations you have to your family and marriage. This conflict between following your heart and keeping your obligations has been plaguing human beings forever. Being a romantic myself, my tendency would be to go with the heart. Whose to say that’s the right move? I have known plenty of people who chose to avoid the turbulence and disruptions of love in favor of the predictable control of what is familiar. Try to make the best decision possible for yourself, and be kind to yourself when you do it. No matter which option you choose there are advantages and disadvantages to both. (I’m hoping to put together a few ‘Love-Life Classes’ offered through my blog. The topic of whether or not and when to follow your heart is a good issue to work with.) Take care MB. Dr.J.

          • MB

            Hi Dr J, have talked openly about a trial separation with the family, but have not given a clear reason for this, only that I believe I might be happier and it might be worth me testing out whether this might be the right way to go. The children wonder why, but don’t seem devastated. The husband is showing little if any reaction at all, other than to say he mainly wants me to be happy and whatever that takes is fine with him. He is not showing any anger, concern, worry, sadness and even said he will make sure I am looked after OK if we decide to split. He has always said he is not someone who has feelings about things and only ever works on facts and that I have to decide what to do. There is no resistance or attempt to keep me whatsoever. My oldest child’s main concern is that if I leave the marriage the husband will no longer be interested in him. The teenager just wonders why I would want to consider a split. I have made a plan that in a few months if I feel the same way we will separate as a trial. I have suggested that I am the one who goes, so as not to hurt, harm others as much by uprooting their home, routines etc. Once separate I would not see the other interest for a couple of months and allow the grief experience to work on me. Maybe after that I could consider the other relationship possibilities and test its reality. The very scary thing about all this is that I have no idea whether the “other” even has love feelings for me or would be interested in getting to know each other better if I were separated. I would be doing all of this without knowing whether a new long term relationship could develop. I am afraid to let “the other” know my feelings, firstly for fear of rejection and the possbibility of him thinking less of me, as a woman in love with another man and thinking of leaving her husband….for the possibility of a future with him…yet I can see the importance of me somehow taking a ‘reality check’. What if I am in love with a fantasy only? Yet, I consider this pathway based on what I have read here…that if you think you are serious, a real break is needed..and only after that..embarking on a possible new relationship. I am not wanting to break up to find someone else. I love my husband and will always care…but my life has been turned upside down for the last 1.5years with feelings of love and a desire to be close to and share my life with this other. I have wondered whether I can even cope with this whole process….whether I am a fool….whether I just need to pull myself together, look the other way and ride it out and get over it, in order to keep things as they are. The children are my number one concern. Could letting this other know my feelings and possibly also my plan be wise? Or should I stay silent and continue to feel my way and take steps to test my feelings through separation and hope that the wisdom of the process will mean whatever is right will then evolve?

          • Dr. Jordan

            Thank you MB for your comment. You are a very courageous person. The fact that you are trying to act on your situation is a great thing. You have several very important unanswered questions to answer. I agree with you, only your feelings will provide the answer. There are three important issues going on in your love life at present. The first is what to do about your marriage. I don’t believe a person has no feelings so I am in disbelief concerning your husband’s way of living. I think people ‘try’ to live without feelings all the time, but not that they don’t have them. I think your husband should question the way he relates to his emotions since they are such a rich source of information about who and what a person is. But that’s him. Back to you. You need to figure out what to do about your marriage. Sometimes a separation is the easiest way to do this. Of course there is a question in my mind whether or not you should be leaving and not him. You should think further about that. To stay in a marriage just because you’re married with no real love for your husband is a hugh sacrifice. The second issue is your children. Whether or not you chose to leave or stay and have your husband leave, you should prepare your children. In my experience they are usually aware of the closeness or lack of closeness between parents. They are usually concerned as you mentioned with whether or not they will lose contact or love in the transitions. A reassurance here is very important. The message is that even though there are marital problems there don’t have to be parenting problems. Talking openly about these changes and listening to their feelings and concerns will take a big load of worry off your back (not entirely but a lot). Third, is the issue of the ‘other.’ You raise an important consideration when you ask whether or not he will continue to be interested in you after separation. If not, better to know as soon as possible. In some instances affairs of this kind begin because people are attracted to the ‘triangle’ and the limitations in it. Once altered, they are uncomfortable. Either way, if it is love that you seek then you get an opportunity to look for a full and ‘in love’ relationship once you’ve grown accustomed to being separated and single again. Of course, you could decide to return to your marriage and tell your husband that the ‘no feeling’ way he’s been living is abnormal and will guarantee an unhappy existence for him and anyone he is related to. A course of treatment to help him learn how to better live with his feelings may be in order (if he is interested). I wish you great luck and clear vision as you embark on the personal journey. Thank you for using my blog. Dr.J.

  19. Johnny

    Hello, I’m really glad I found your blog. I am the “other man” in a relationship I guess, but my story is a little different. First off, we have only known each other for a few weeks, but I think we have become good friends with some chemistry and alot in common, as well as opening up about our lives. I originally thought she was single, because she did not mention any boyfriend or husband, when I asked her wether she was married, she immediately said no, but then she said she has been living with someone for a couple years, although they are not legally married and do not have any kids. She also started telling me about how much they fight, never do anything together, and eventually she has thoughts of moving out.
    I definitely want to continue our friendship, but I have also fallen in love with her and I am tempted to let her know this and eventually help her leave her unhappy relationship. Would this be a crazy idea? Should I be wary of any problems ahead?
    Thank you again, the responses you have posted are very professional and informative.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Johnny for your e-mail. In my experience, a legal marriage and kids can complicate this kind of thing, but the real issue is the ‘attachment’ she has with the man she is living with. From what you wrote I read you have just entered a ‘love triangle.’ This triangle consists of you, her, and the live-in BF. Now, you ask, whether or not it is ‘crazy’ or ‘unrealistic’ whether to think you can help her leave her BF. I would remind you that people change only because they want to. This is one thing in life that no one can do for us. Of course there is ‘fake change’ that looks like change other people want but in reality ‘real change’ is up to the individual. The best thing would be if she leaves him on her own without any help from you. This would confirm her desire to be emotionally available to you. My guess is she is attached to him. Along with that attachment comes emotional ambivalence. This involves having the feelings of wanting to leave and being attached at the same time. With that kind of mind set a person goes back and forth and has trouble making up his or her mind. So, the best thing for you to do is send her back to her relationship to figure out if she wants to keep it and make it better, or leave it and eventually start something up with you. I am a firm believer in the importance of avoiding ‘rebound,’ or jumping into another relationship when you haven’t cleared your mind of the one you left. This would be a problem she should avoid. People who rebound often feel trapped in the second relationship, overlap feelings on the second relationship from the first one, and start feeling like they didn’t get a break before jumping into another commitment. Best thing for her to do is make herself a single woman again. You should stay away from her until she does that. Once a single woman again, you get to be a best friend, aware of her need to clear her mind-heart of the last relationship. Be patient. Eventually date her to find out if the feelings are there once both of you are out of the ‘triangle.’ If she decides not to leave her BF for whatever reason, you should go on with your life. Take care of Johnny. Do whatever you can to strengthen yourself, heal your heart in a constructive way, let yourself grieve the loss (strong men do cry), make your friendships stronger, and build your social life. And above all, learn the lesson that a triangle is no place for a man looking for true love. By the way, your situation is only a few weeks old, so you get a chance to make a change without years of attachment to contend with. Hope this has been useful, and appreciate your use of my blog. Thanks, Dr.J.

      If you are interested in getting a little more help figuring this out, I do telephone consultations. You can register for one at my website. Here’s the link: http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/personal-consultation/.

      • Johnny

        Hello, Dr. J. I just wanted to let you know that I should have truly listened to your wise words, and I am a fool for not having done this. My situation played out in just a couple of weeks, this lady began to pursue me,she told me how in love with me she was, we had some great times, and I was imagining a future together, but ultimately she decided to stay with her husband, in spite of what I mentioned in my last comment that her husband treated her badly, and neglected her. She changed and told me she loves him, made a commitment to him that she can’t break, and hopes they can live together for the rest of their lives. I can’t help but feel she lied and just wanted me for a while. My mind can’t bear the thought of the cruelty of love and this woman. One day she tells me how happy I make her and how wonderful I treat her, and then she decides to leave me, and become just “friends”. We have to see each other everyday for the rest of the college semester, and just seeing her, and hearing her voice is painful for me. I also don’t understand why she would want to continue being friends. This has been a very painful lesson, and just like you told me I will never become involved in a love triangle again. I will try and do things that will make me feel better and productive, such as exercise and schoolwork, as well as appreciating those people who truly care about me such as my friends and family.
        I would really like to hear your opinion on the whole “let’s be friends” thing, and I can’t thank you enough Dr. J, for putting together such an informative and helpful website. I will visit regularly, because emotional experiences like these can be difficult and painful, and I have seen for myself how accurate, helpful, and even prophetic, your advice can be.

        • Dr. Jordan

          Thanks Johnny for your comment and kind words. I am sorry for your pain but glad that you are free to heal and get out there again. Your plan to focus on self-development is the best. Now is a good time to strengthen yourself from the inside out. When you are ready to begin dating again your inquiry into the person who is interested in you should include their level of ‘availability.’ Like you said, no more love triangles. By the way, judging by your words I think you are a sensitive and thoughtful man who will do just fine in the area of love, being yourself and keeping a critical eye on who is trying to get into your heart. The ‘let’s be friend thing’ with this woman I would caution you about. A person in her position who is avoiding the realities of her marital situation, would prefer to have a ‘yo-yo’ man (or men) on the string. This means she would have men converted to friendship whom she can re-convert to lover status as needed (sort of like a pain killer). In my opinion, there are certain people in life who make it to the ‘toxic category.’ Meaning people who cause us pain, not necessary intentionally, but because of the unworkable situation they bring into our love-lives. She may be one of those individuals for you. Only true friends and 100% available women need apply!

          Oh by the way, my marketing people have convinced me I need to put some brief and very specific ‘love-life classes’ together on a variety of love-life issues including ‘love-life triangles’ etc. and offer them through the website. They might be out by the end of March. Check it out. Trying to find the easiest and most effective way to get the information people need out there. Anyway Johnny, take care and good luck. Let me know how your doing from time to time. Dr.J.

  20. Stan

    I’m completely lost in such situation or maybe it would be righter to say I’m lost in her. She’s married with 2 years old child. She’s a colleague of mine and we know each other since 1 year. For this 1 year many things have changed and at the end we’re loving each other so deeply, so madly, so painfully. When I see her I feel like the most happiest man on the world and like the most miserable person on the Earth. We don’t need words to understand us. We can feel what the other one thinks, feels, what he/she worries about. We have the same interests. I love to make her happy by making a dinner for her or writing a rhyme for her for example. Today we confess to each other that we’re in love. We’ve cried and smiled together for mor than 5 hours. We shared our dreams, we shared our fears. She would go straight right to me if he hadn’t a child. She’s worried about it. And I can hide – so do I. But I know Sigmund Freud has written once that you can never make the right decision when you raising a child. In this case the child will be sad if his parents are separated and will also be unconsciously affected due to his mother’s sadness and unfulfilled dreams and desires. Her husband drinks very much and IMO sees her as only sex toy and mother of his son. Probably he feels some strange kind of love to her. He never asks her how does she feel(even when she’s ill), he never cares what does she think, what she wants, what are her dreams and desires. She has told him many times that she doesn’t care about his money and all material stuff which he can buy her and they fight every single day and he shouts at her. The only reason why she’s with him is their child. He has asked her to make another one. She declined and asked him for more time(1 year). And that’s the promise which she gave to me – I will decide in next 1 year what is good for my child and will decide what we’re going to do. I know that I can’t and she can’t just go away and we can’t lose each other. We’re not just in love, we’re more than that. We’re best friends and that will remain so if she decide to make the “wrong” decision for me. I love her and I will never lose her. We never had sex and I don’t look at her as sexual object.

    P.S. I feel very guilty and miserable due to this situation. I’m so desperate.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Stan for your comment. I have learned in my life that love can show up at the wrong time, the wrong place, and with the wrong person. Your feelings are strong. You’ve also stated that she is your love and your friend. This combination is very meaningful. However, she is not emotionally available to be in your life except in a ‘love triangle’ with her husband and you. According to what she has told you, she remains in her marriage for her child, and she cannot make an immediate decision about her marriage. This means you are being asked to wait without anything definite. If she decided to leave her marriage and your love for her allowed you to be a ‘patient friend’ until she was emotionally over her marriage and ready to start a new exclusive relationship, you would have a chance to be together. This assumes of course that she decided to leave her marriage. This is the hard part for you. What I’m understanding is she is not ready to leave her marriage. She needs someone to make her difficult marriage more tolerable. This would be easier for you to do for her if you were not ‘in love’ with her. It is now important to think of your ‘needs’ and your ‘feelings’ too. Love triangles always offer a ‘limited love’ and become painful if you ‘fall in love.’ Love cannot grow beyond a certain point in a love triangle. This is the hard part for you. You sound like you need and want more, an exclusive deeper love and it is hurting you that you cannot have this with her (“desperate”). Sometimes in life we have to take action on our own behalf even though our heart is saying no. I think it’s time for you to go. It is always difficult to go when our hearts are filled with love but our mind is telling us that it is not going to work. The alternative is long-term emotional pain. It is time to take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve your loss, and find the love you need somewhere else. Dr.J.

  21. Stan

    Thank you a lot for your response! The only reason why she can’t leave her marriage is her child. We’ve agreed to wait 1 year in order to review our needs, feelings and thoughts. In order she to assure that I’m the best for her, for us, for her child. If at the end of this year we love each other so much and the relationship with her husband has been not fixed(if he doesn’t change – quit drinking, stop shouting at her and to start wanting to know how does she feel and behaving like a man, who she deserves) we’ll move together. If they successfully fixed their relationship we’ll stay friends forever. It’ll be the most painful thing for me but I’ll overcome it, because this is not so simple situation – she’s my best friend and I will suffer even more if I lose her due to my love independently from the fact that I love her so much and so badly. We’ve agreed to stay close to each other during this one year – every single day we’ll tell each other how much we love each other(and if she stops feeling like this she will tell me and I’ll go away). It’ll be tough for me, for her, but I can’t stop dream about our future together and I can’t lose her as friend as well. Maybe I’m doing the biggest mistake in my life, but I will do it, because I love her and I don’t want to ask myself until the end of my days – What if…? And I can lose her as friend too – not now, not today, not this year. I can live with the fact that she will be with him for a whole year, but so she’ll does with me as well (we’ll not have the physical, sexual part of this and I can live with this). The only thing that will give me strength are those 2 words, which are making my heart beat so strong. I’m so sorry that I’m not native speaker and can’t express myself – how do I feel, what unique relationship we have with her etc. I’ve also told her that the only scenario in which I will leave her and will never be a friend of her will be if she stays with him, although she’s not happy with him. Then I will not be able to suffer more with her.

    She’s really the love of my life but if at the end of the year she’s happy with her husband I’ll go away, I’ll keep distance and I’ll stay her best friend forever.

  22. CarolineEVe

    This article describes exactly what I’ve been going through for the last year. I’m the wife, I’m madly in love with this other man and I think about him all day and night. Thinking about him keeps me motivated every day. I do love my husband but we don’t have any intimacy at all. I lust for the other man but I know I can’t be with him because of my family, my husband and I have a child, and that is the main reason I won’t leave. I also fell pregnant to this other man and have his child, husband knows I had affair, and knows the baby is not his. The other man knows I had the baby but hasn’t seen her yet and she is 4 months now. Baby is being raised in our family with my husband raising her. Me and the other man haven’t communicated since I was about 3 months pregnant, so he doesn’t even know the sex of our baby. I love the other man so much, I dream of our future together, but I know the reality is, for the sake of my family, I have to stay with my partner. When I see him it’s like the world slows down and I can’t keep my eyes off him, when we look into each others eyes he gives me butterflies. I’m always dreaming of our future together. Even though we haven’t had any communication we still see each other now and then we live in the same town, I have seen him quite a few times, but my husband has been with me, so I couldnt talk to this man, I wish I could marry this guy, I’m always thinking of the things we done together, and wish I could’ve done It better. I love him and I know he loves me. Thanks for a great article.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Caroline for your comment. The fact that you have had a baby by your lover makes your situation extra intensive. Usually, love triangles are formed in order to avoid a marital problem and get what is needed outside of a marriage. In your situation, the presence of your new baby, indicates something more profound. In my experience, some people choose security or obligation or some standard of acceptability as the reason for a marital commitment. They have never learned how to use their ‘feelings’ to determine and make choices in their love lives. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I tend to favor a love life derived from the feelings that I have for someone. The proof is in the fact that I chose to be alone until I met the one that made me feel in love. If I am not ‘in love’ then I know that the relationship is limited and not a true love. If I chose to stay with a limited love I know I would be sacrificing my happiness. Your love for your lover compelled you to have his baby, and you state in so many words, you are ‘in love’ with your lover. If I read this right, the evidence is strong that he is your ‘true love.’ Whether or not you choose to disrupt the security and obligations in your life for true love is the choice you are facing. Some would not hesitate a second, others would run away. This is the kind of risk that disturbs us deeply while at the same time offers us a chance at real happiness. I wish you the best choice for yourself. Thank you for using my blog. Hope I continue to be useful to you in the further. Dr.J.

  23. Ian

    Hello Dr Jordan. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on my situation which does have an added perspective to your article. I am the other man in a quadrangle, i.e her husband has been seeing another woman for some time. She assures me that the only reason they continue to live together is purely financial, she simply cannot afford to move out. I understand that this is an increasingly common problem . She has also been very honest regarding their relationship which she tells me is one of mutual respect and friendship, nothing more. I even suggested to her that perhaps they should attempt to reconcile their differences even though this was painful for me. I have told her that her sense of obligation to be home by a certain time (even to cook their meals occasionally) is extremely offputting and have told her recently that I need a cooling off period to reassess my feelings. Her response was to tell me that she is in love with me, asking me to be patient. The situation is complicated further by her serious health issues. I have explained to her that I find it extremely difficult knowing that she is living under the same roof as another man even though she tells me they have separate rooms, as when we leave each other I come home to an empty house. I’ve asked her openly how she would cope if the situation was reversed. I am in love with her no doubt and despite one occasion of passionate kissing have refrained from sexual advances for obvious reasons. She is very keen to visit me at my home which I think is a bad idea. I fluctuate between hope and despair. The chemistry is unlike anything I have experienced with a woman before. She is intelligent, creative, elegant and beautiful and we laugh like teenagers. I just don’t know wether to nuture this seed or let it die naturally. The easy route would be to let go, but there would always be the possibilty of regretting a missed opportunity unique in my expereince of women. I should add that we share a profound spiritual affinity which has been evidently lacking in her relationship with her estranged husband. I am quite depressed actually and don’t know how to proceed.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Hi Ian, thank you for your comment. I thank you also for expanding my view of ‘angular’ relationships to include ‘quadrangles.’ I posted about that at my blog. As is usually the case, your attraction to your lover is broad based and includes friendship and ‘spiritual’ experiences. I can truly understand how important this can be for you. I sense your need for a deeply meaningful and loving relationship in your life. When she says that the only reason she is with her husband is purely for ‘financial reasons,’ I would think otherwise. The proof is in the degree of sacrifice she is making. To live with some for money and security and forfeit one’s love-life is tragic to say the least. Unfortunately, she is not aware of the extent to which her love-life is limited and its unhealthy effect on her. Money and love are simply not in the same league if you know what I mean. Some people, however, opt out of love because of the hurt it can create and instead emphasize the value of security or money. In my experience these are usually people who have secretly given up on love or simply mistrust love as the primary motivator in life. If this is true and I think it is, where does it leave you? The single lovers in a quadrangle are always the most vulnerable. Security relationship can be an effective shield against truly ‘falling in love.’ This will unfortunately leave you unfulfilled. You’ll be attracted by the meaningful moments, friendship, and spiritual sharing, but frustrated at the roadblocks that come from her commitment to security. This relationship can teach to a lot about yourself. There are important moments in life where we ask ourselves, “What do I need to be happy?” I think for you, the answer to that question involves finding someone who can give and receive love without constraints. If you choose to end it, be sure to allow yourself to grieve until your heart says enough. Otherwise you can get into the unhealthy cycle of going back, leaving, going back, leaving, etc.

      In March we are putting together a series of “Love-Life Classes” on a variety of topics including falling in love with married people. Check it out. Our objective is to get the information out there that people can use to minimize the difficulty and hurt this kind of love-life problem can create. Hope this has been useful to you. Thanks again Ian. Good luck to you. Dr.J.

  24. Harsh

    Thanks for the article.

    I am the “Other guy” even at present. It’s about 11 months we are in touch but met only once that too in a train when she was going to her mother’s home.

    It’s Facebook that is responsible for our relationship. Once she asked my number and we started talking on regular basis. It’s quite amazing we saw each other when it was about 6 months we had fallen that too in a train.
    We haven’t had sex exactly but some intimate kisses.

    She has a 3 year old boy. But she never lied to me from the very first day.

    We talk on phone only so its not about the sex, its the friendship, attachment and desire to be with each other that holds us.

    We talk on phone so much every day that it affects our daily lives. I am 22 and still studying, she is 32 and do job. We are 1400 km apart…I wish I could marry her.

    It was going good but suddenly since last month she looks very stressed, sometimes she insists me to marry her but don’t answer when I ask about her present family. Sometimes she says we should move on.

    Thing is not that she doesn’t love me, infact she don’t love anyone this much except her son.

    But what this does is, it leaves both of us in supreme depression almost everyday….In the night we cry talking about moving on and in the morning again shower ultimate love….

    This is a great dilemma. Neither we can be together nor have emotional guts to move on.

    It is slowly ruining her social life, job and other aspects and my career. We know but just cant live widout each other.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Harsh for your comment. You are in a ‘love triangle.’ This love-life arrangement is always more painful for the single lover (that’s you) than anyone else in the triangle. Why? Because you have the most to lose. She has the security of her marriage and the obligation toward her child. You have your needs and hopes for more. This kind of love relationship is best when you don’t ‘fall in love.’ Once you’ve fallen, there is depression and unhappiness because you need more than you are getting. That is natural. She is trying to ‘cure’ the unhappiness in her marriage by having you in her life. This can only be temporary unless you are willing to sacrifice your love-life in the long-term. I would not recommend that. You deserve more than she can give you. It is entirely possible to meet the right person at the wrong time. She is not available emotionally for the depth your heart is longing for. Yes she does need you in order that she not feel the depth of her unhappiness. However, until she does, she cannot make a decision about her marriage. Practically speaking, she will not assess her marriage as long as she has you to distract her. If you discontinue your relationship for the purpose of urging her to make a decision about whether or not to stay with you or her husband, her choice will tell you a lot about what is possible in your relationship. If she prefers a triangle to working out her martial problems or leaving her husband, then you are free to leave and find someone who is emotionally available. If she decides to leave her marriage and makes ‘real’ steps to do that (e.g. husband moves out, she leaves, separation-divorce, etc.) then you would have to allow her time to become a ‘single woman’ again, remaining her friend and support, until she is ready emotionally to start up a new committed love relationship with you (to avoid rebound). If you are patient this sometimes works to dissolve the triangle and start you and she on the road to a new ‘normalized’ love relationship. Hope this has been helpful. (By the way check out the “Love-Life Classes” I putting together through this site in the month of March). Take care, Dr.J.

  25. Dr Jordan,

    I am glad there is someone out there offering advice to desperate people on this side. Great post by the way. Now in my case I just want to say that I don’t know if I love this married woman, but what I know is that I am trapped in this long crazy mental loop and I have not been able to get out of it.This is the situation: some months ago I met this married woman, we became really good friends, we both go to grad school here in the U.S. but we are both from Guatemala, so I guess that gave a lot of connection, we also spoke about the same subjects, and in general started spending a lot of time together keeping each other company and whatnot, oh and I opened up a lot to her about my past in relationships and life for two reasons, first because she is married and I was not feeling judged and secondly because she is a psychologist so I thought she would listen. And after some time, so did she, she started telling me about her marriage problems and how she actually had been with another man, and then I noticed that she wanted to be with me, and don’t ask me why because to the day I’m not sure, but that night I felt I had to do it, I knew it wasn’t productive, necessarily good or that I even was madly attracted to her, so the next night we ended up having sex, after that night we never again had sex, although she asked me to be her “boyfriend” until she got back home and that then she would figure stuff out, asked me to have sex one more time at least, said that she’d never felt that way before, said she felt very anxious for about 2 weeks, etc,etc. I was okay with everything at the moment, I mean leaving the situation. After some weeks we started talking again and we became again friends, I was expecting to pushing away her feelings by talking about other women and leaving it at friendship but somehow after this “friendship” restarted she also started asking me if I’d be willing to be with her if she’d leave her husband, and I answered that I did not know, I said that we’d have to see at that moment. So we both went back home for vacation, I didn’t see her there (although she invited me to her house where I’d eat with her and her husband! I thought it was weird)While I was back home I met another girl,(she is american so I got to see her once here in the U.S. when I got back but it was a distance relationship) we hit it off and things were looking really good, but long story short, they didn’t work out, I broke up with her, not without spending many weeks not wanting the relationship anymore and fighting against myself (something I’ve done in the past maybe because my family said she was a good girl and stuff like that), during this time, this married woman was also my “confident”, at which time and for some reason somehow I kind of started feeling something for her, or not that but having this thought that since things weren’t working out with this “new girl”, I had to be with the married woman, the list of reasons I presume my mind grasped are these: we can communicate a lot, we speak the same language, she understands me, we can spend a lot of time together, I am not very attracted to her but since I know I can spend time with her I’d probably be okay with that, she knows my secrets and accepts me, I am not in love with her so I won’t have the risk of falling out of love because it never happened in the first place…pff it sounds weird I know. But after I broke up with this other girl I got really stuck in this series of thoughts, and have not communicated any of them to this married woman, because also lately I’ve been trying to see her less, and when I do that she starts asking me why I don’t see her, and if we start seeing each other more, then she starts telling me about her problematic marriage and asking me if I want to be with her if she breaks it (and it’s really hard to not see her at all because of the small town and university we live in and also because of some friends in common), whereas the contrary thing happens when I don’t see her, her marriage starts going better, she is now visiting her husband in Guatemala so that is great. But my problem is that infinite loop that I told you I am stuck in, sometimes I feel that I need to tell her that I am ready to start that relationship with her if she leaves her marriage, but then I refrain, and hold on to myself, I wish this crazy scenario would happen “I tell her that and she tells me, oh no thank you, I am in love with my husband” and then I throw all this whole thing away haha. But I hardly doubt that would be the case, from what I’ve seen, it would most likely turn out in her saying “oh I don’t know, I’m confused” or “Okay I’m leaving it”, and then I’m not sure if I wanna go there, plus leaving a marriage is a big deal, and I don’t know if I am the one to support that, or the one to be with her if say at some point things are not good. So with 6 billion people in the world, I really want to first work on all these issues on myself and secondly know someone fresh, without bindings, that I am more attracted to, but I also learned that even that can be secondary at times, but particularly someone else, knowing that there are so many options. But my mind keeps turning the situation at the slightest stimulus, this is not the first time I’m involved with a committed woman, I used to think it was just a coincidence, but a lot of people have told me that it’s not, so who knows maybe it is not just a coincidence… and the main reason because I’ve been so careful to not do anything again with this woman is because the last time I was involved with a committed girl, she left her long-time boyfriend for me, and our relationship turned out to be hell in and of itself. Whoever reads it must think I’m not very smart, but I just have a really hard time getting out of this series of thoughts and feelings, and I need some help.
    Thanks,
    Rodolfo M.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Rodolfo for your comment. First and foremost, I think you should think about the phenomenon called ‘rebound.’ Rebound happens when someone with an attachment flees that relationship and feels lonely or worse and ‘jumps’ into another relationship in order to feel better. It is sort of like using people to feel better. The problem with rebound is, the person rebounding isn’t getting any closure on the relationship being left. All the ‘unfinished business’ is being unconsciously carried into the next relationship.The outcome is often bad, resulting in conflict. People need a little time between relationships to clear their head and heart. If she left her husband and jumped into a relationship with you I’m not sure it would be stable. Also, the problem with being in a relationship with a married or committed woman is your presence exists because she has a relationship problem that is not being solved. Having an affair with someone in order to deal with a relationship issue is only delaying the inevitable. You’d have a better chance with someone without prior commitments. Now I know a lot of men who seek out married women because they believe the stress and demand on them will be less. The part-time nature of the relationship might seem good for the moment. When you said you were not in love with your married woman I thought to myself he has more ability to come and go as he sees fit, than he really knows. You see the problem for the 3rd party (that’s you) is the ‘falling in love’ part. If you fall in love with a married woman you only have three options; 1. wait indefinitely as the 3rd part-time party; 2. leave and don’t look back, and; 3. leave but wait and see if she leaves her marriage because you left the affair. If you don’t love her, I would move onto to someone with more to give and tell your married lover to take care of herself better by making a decision about her bad marriage. Hope this has been helpful to you. You know, so many men have contacted me with concerns about falling in love with a married person that I am working on an online class for the fall 2013 to help people learn ways to work their way through these often painful and limited relationships. Check it out. By the way, if you do fall in love with her and she leaves her husband you would have to understand her need to get emotional closure and begin living as a single woman again in order to clear her head before she can be available again for an exclusive relationship. That would take some time, patience, and friendship. Take care, Dr.J.

  26. Richarf Miller

    Thanks for the article.
    I am the “Other guy” and have been for close to 2 years now. I finally found some people that cann relate to the love I have for this women. When I try to explain to my friends the love we share they just look at me with a comfused look on their face. It like the love we have is in 3D and we are the only two people on the planet with the glasses to see it. She wants to leave but she is married to a well known doctor and has three kids to support which I am in no postion to do after my own divorce has left me crippled financially. He knows about our affair but will not divorce her because of what if will cost him financially not because he loves her. We can’t see each other as we once did because if he catches us again he has threatened to expose her affair to the kids and her kids are her reason for living so she is living with a terrorist. She tells me once her last child goes of to college she will divorce him. This means we have about 1 1/2 years to wait. I realize all things being equal that is not a long time to wait but what if her youngest decides not to go out of state for college and wants to go to the local college and stays at home. What if he still refueses to the divorce. Plus I don’t know if I can handle pain like this for a year. There is no question she wants to be with me as much or more than I do but there are so many moving parts in this whole situation. We are both artists (me a photographer and her a singer/song writer) and this is distroying our soul. We have both tried to get help with a theropist but no one can seem to give us the answer we need to get through this.is there advice you can give us. Thank you.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Richard for your heartfelt comment. I am going to assume, without knowing details, that her children would forgive her for her need for love. My guess is the children somewhere in the back of their hearts know that their father is a controlling and unhappy man. To manipulate a woman to stay in a marriage for appearance sake or simply to remain free of financial divorce obligations is questionable behavior. I don’t think it is healthy for her to remain in that situation. In fact, your presence is probably the reason it has been bearable to her this long. The problem with ‘triangles’ is that there is usually a lot of emotional pain associated with them. It appears that she is suffering. It appears that you are suffering as well. In my experience the only way she will confront the issue of ‘saving herself’ is if she knows you know that the affair cannot go on any further until she decides what to do about her marriage. Otherwise the future is tenuous as you indicated in your comment. Waiting around without certainty with only a part-time availability when you are in love with someone is painful. I would suggest you tell her in the most intimate way possible that you realize that your part-time relationship exists because she has not made an ultimate decision about her marriage. I would tell her that you are available as a support and friend for her if she decides to leave her husband and live independently. A short period of therapy would be useful to help her establish and strengthen herself as an independent person free of her husband’s control. Eventually you would be able to date and develop your non-triangular regular love relationship with her if it is in the cards for the two of you after she has left her marriage. If she decides to stay and remain in the ambiguity of her indecision and husband’s manipulation and control, I would separate myself, mourn the loss, and begin repairing myself for the future. You know sometimes the ‘other guy’ fresh out of a divorce might find a sense of relief having an affair with a married woman. The problem is the ‘falling in love’ part. You sound like you’ve fallen in love. That tells me that you have a healthy need for love inside of you. Perhaps a short period of counseling with a focus on helping you separate yourself (if she stays with her husband) and figuring women out a little for the next full-time love relationship. Hope this has been helpful. I appreciate your interest in my blog. (You know this issue of falling in love with a married period is so popular at my blog that I’ve put together an online course for people stuck in this kind of situation. It’s coming out in the fall. Check it out.) Take care, Richard. Dr.J.

  27. wrecked ralph

    Thanks for this article.

    im the other guy in this scenario.

    i’m separated for 2yrs. but not yet divorced.

    i fell in love with a married woman, 4months after i got separated. we started as a fling. just pure company & sex. we had very good chemistry. we laugh alot & been very good friends. things started to get serious after 1yr in the relationship. she confessed to me that she doesn’t love her husband anymore and she only get along due to her single child. but she admits she plan to separate from her husband when the time comes. everything was going clock work for the rest of the months. but after 1.5 yrs into the relation ship, she began to lie from me things about her husband. that all are now back to normal. i kept asking about her these, but she tells me its not true and that i’m the one she really loves. just always hang on with her. the fool was i. after a few months of foolishly believing….to make it short, i finally got the proof, she was really back to normal with him. this devasted me. in fact because of this incident i discovered that her husband knew our relationship all along. but kept silent about it.

    weird about this is she beg for forgiveness from me, for me to stay. foolishly i forgave her and continue for 2 more months. but during these times i still feel suspicious about some things about her. until i finally do some checking & do stuff that her husband will discover we are having our secret relationship.

    then a big surprise unfold to me, her husband was so furious with her and threaten bad things to her, surprisingly she beg forgiveness but this time to her husband. i was hoping she would fight for our relationship & stay true to her promise to me. but NO, i was so dissappointed. after that incident, she totally went offline towards me. i tried calling her after a few days. she answered but this time she want me to forget her & never ever call her again.

    now i’m all alone, confused, broken hearted & depressed. i’m a victim of a lying woman.

    what should i do now? need help.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Ralph for your comment. When you couple up with a woman who is married you have to expect the possibility of lies and half truths. Remember the relationship is usually founded on deception to begin with. Most people who are cheating on wives or husbands don’t tell their spouses. Even if they do, there is still a lot of hiding and censoring going on. So the bottom line is, you can’t expect to have an honest relationship with someone who is cheating on a spouse to be with you. Right now you are grieving the loss and hope that you could have a deeper and more loving relationship. This period of sadness and loss may last a while. Allow yourself to feel the loss and take good care of yourself during this period. Remember grief is not sickness or weakness, it is the natural result of loss. It will pass. Be sure to learn a few things about what not to do in your love life as a consequence of this experience. I think the biggest lesson will be, make sure the next woman is 100% available for a love relationship. No more married women. Thanks Ralph for using my blog, hope you continue to find it useful to you. Dr.J.

  28. Jake

    I am in a situation, but from a bit of a different perspective. I am that “other guy” but the woman is someone from my past who is now married. We met quite a few years ago, dated for a while, but I ended up with someone else at the time. We recently reconnected a few months ago and have been talking everyday since. It recently became physical again when I went to go visit her. It is a long distance we have between us, so seeing each other physically will be few and far between. Her husband is in the navy and is rarely ever home, when he is, they do not get along for the most part. We are both in love with each other and she has told me that she does want to be with me, but its just not that black and white because of their two childrren, otherwise she said she would have no problem packing up and leaving now. I know its not right, but I can not help how I feel I suppose.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Jake for your comment. The future of your relationship will be determined by whether or not she stays with her husband. The existence of children should never require living with a man you do not love. That kind of sacrifice will be perceived by the children especially as they grow older. In my experience, separated and happier parents make better parents. Otherwise it is extremely difficult to contain the aftereffects of such a sacrifice. You said you are in love with her. Both distance and her ambivalence about leaving her marriage will make that feeling difficult to live with. My concern is for you. You do not deserve to live in love with someone you cannot have and an uncertain future. The ‘other guy’ in my experience suffers the most if and when he falls in love. She has her marriage, children, and a very part-time lover. You have uncertainty and a very part-time lover. I know this will be difficult to hear, but the absolute test of her love for you would be leaving her husband to be with you when you tell her you have to stop seeing her so that she can make a decision about her marriage. I hope this exchange has been useful to you. I appreciate your use of my blog. Hope you will continue finding something of value here. (Check out my online courses in the fall. There are so many people struggling in love with married lovers that one of my courses is about what to do if you find yourself in love with a married person). Best wishes, Dr.J.

  29. Mike

    I’m am going through this exact same thing. Last night we just ended it….giving her space to “figure” things out in her marriage. I told her I’ll wait for her, but that’s what I want to do and will do but not for a long time.I told her in the beginning that if she wanted this to work out, she would have to be single for a couple of months to find herself . But we continued because everything about our relationship was Fire!!! It seems like we are realy meant to be with each other. From our childhood similarities, likes and dislikes, sex was out of this world. We really meshed well together. But I always had my gaurd up in the beginning. Afraid of may one day she’ll go back to her husband. In the process of me having my gaurd up she fell extremely in love with me, trying to get me to fall on love with her. I thought it was to soon and I need more time. I treated her like crap. Started nip picking on little dumb things. She then got cold wondering if she did the right thing by not giving the marriage the proper closure. I finally fell in love with her and she has decided to figure things out in her marriage to see if she wants to work things out or finalize tjing and work things out with me. I’m torn I don’t know what to do cause I’ve never felt this way for anyone in my life. I want her back so bad but all I can is just wait. What should I do.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Mike for your post. You have all the insights needed you just have to put them together. What you started your post with is very true, she needs to figure her marriage out on her own, be single for a bit, then she’d be ready for another committed relationship. You’d have to go live your life in the meantime. If you are waiting around she won’t really have the incentive to do something about her marriage. Remember, you exist in the triangle because she has not resolved a marital problem. If she decides to leave her marriage you have a chance. But, you see how difficult it would be to wait? Separating and moving on, really moving on is the only option. If she is going to really leave her marriage it will happen when you are no longer around. If there is a real hope for an exclusive relationship with her it will be proven by the act of leaving her marriage. Words are not enough. Real actions like separating, an apartment, divorce papers. You have met the right person under the wrong circumstances and at the wrong time. Hopefully there will be a few ‘right’ people in your life. If she is the one, she will make the changes needed when you are gone and she doesn’t have you to take the sting out of her marriage. You have no way to predict or control what she will do once you are gone. You can only go and sincerely live your life (which includes meeting other women). Hope this was useful to you. You know there are so many people struggling with this issue that I’ve decided to put together a ‘course’ on this topic available in fall. Check it out. Take care. Dr.J.

  30. Mr M

    Hello Dr J.
    First off, this is excellent, I read all but one of these and your advice has been great!
    As most of the posts, I’m the other man as well, I think my scenario’s a little different so I’d love to hear your thoughts if I may.
    I’ve worked with this woman for many years, but in a big company so we rarely had more than pleasantries (hi, how are you etc), about a year ago, she was promoted and now works very close to me.
    I’ve always found her attractive, but didn’t get to truly know her until her promotion, we then became friends. Soon after I started to get emotionally attracted to her as well as the physical I always had.
    I started flirting with her, it soon blossomed into much more. We began to talk and mostly text outside of work every day for about 3 months now, sometimes from morning til night. We take every break together as well.
    We both feel such a strong connection. We have the same life dreams, same fantasies and can often read each other’s minds, finish sentences.
    Aside from verbal/text flirting, our only physical contact has been hugs, hand holding, and one time, kissing on the neck, that’s it. We have both said we feel like we’ve been at this level for years, we know each other so well emotionally.
    She has told me she is madly in love with me for a while now. She has said she loves her husband like she does a friend, but she’s not in love with him. She tells me how she wants nothing more than to be with me however she already feels guilty and would never go any further than this as long as she’s married. She doesn’t want to leave him for the sake of her two girls, currently 8 and 12 years old. She said if it wasn’t for them, she would come running to me and never let me go.
    She had said (which I truly believe) she has never even looked at another man, never even considered it until she got to know me. She’s been married 20 years, she was 18 at marriage.
    Her husband left her last June, said he didn’t love her anymore, they tried staying in the same household at first. She couldn’t handle that, asked him to leave and then he all of the sudden decides it’s a mistake and he was wrong. (This was before I really got to know her, before our thing)
    He never does anything for her, he has a ‘man cave’ and is always in it. There’s no romance there at all, my opinion is that he still isn’t in love with her, it’s either for the kids, lack of income to live on his own, or perhaps a combination of the two. From what she tells me, there’s been no romance for many years.
    When he left, her kids were obviously heartbroken, she had to tell them. It killed her to do this and to see how upset they were.
    I feel so sure she is my ‘soul mate’ and that we were meant to be. She feels the bond between us and knows as well as I do if we were to be together we would both be happier than we ever have been.
    Some stemming of what’s happened between us I’m sure has to do with the fact he left her last year, however I know she isn’t happy and I think it’s been this way even before he left. Even when he came back, still no romancing, no winning her back, just life in his ‘man cave’. To me, their marriage was over the day he left and possibly before then.
    She hopes he’ll leave so we can be together, but won’t do it herself because she saw how her kids reacted when he did it, she’s worried they’ll resent her as well. She’s also said she’s afraid. I feel, although they don’t often fight, this type of marriage is NOT good for the kids and long term, as long as both parents always love them it would be better for them to see their parents truly happy. Reading advice given to others on here about letting her go made me ball like a little kid, it’s probably what I should do, and if it is meant to be, it will be.. Right? I suppose what I’m more looking for advice on, is given this information, am I right that (myself aside) they should leave this relationship and that would be better for the kids and ultimately both of them as well? What type of example is this to their kids to be in a loveless marriage? They may end up there themselves someday.
    As much as I feel I love and need her, ultimately all I want is for her to be happy. She’s the most amazing, selfless woman I’ve ever met, she deserves nothing less.
    I would greatly appreciate some input, thank you for your time.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Hello M, thanks for your comment. Sorry for the summer delay in getting back to you. I believe that it is better to separate if you are the parents of children in a loveless marriage. The children feel hurt and unhappy at first, but will come to understand that separated parents who are still devoted to their children with a chance to improve their own individual lives make better parents and eventually happier people. As I understand, you are in a triangle with a married woman who is looking to receive the ’emotional’ support and intimacy she is not getting in her marriage now with you. This probably helps her cope better with the loneliness and painful feelings she experiences being in a loveless marriage. Staying in a marriage that is loveless only for the children takes considerable self-sacrifice. People who make such a sacrifice usually look for the emotional support they will need outside of their marriage. The triangle allows her to cope, for the time being, with a painful marriage. Instead of solving her marital problems either by fixing the marriage or leaving it, she has constructed a triangle instead. You, unfortunately, are in the more vulnerable position. She has her marriage to fall back on. You do not have anyone else to fall back on. The hard part is, you exist in the triangle because she has not ‘cured’ her marital problem. Ultimately, you make the biggest sacrifice. Your love relationship with her however it progresses will always be limited as long as she and you remain in the triangle. Plus, she has no incentive to correct her marital problem as long as the triangle exists. I ordinarily tell people, if they want to know whether there is a future for their relationship with a married person, they need to get out of the triangle as soon as possible. In your case, if you stepped out of the triangle, and this prompted her to re-evaluate her marital commitment, you would find out whether or not you and she have a future. Either way you are free. If she decided to leave her marriage, grieve the loss, and get used to being single again, you could date her and find out if a committed love is in the cards for both of you, one on one (no triangle). Otherwise, I would suggest you prepare yourself to let go, grieve the love you fantasized having, and get on with your love life. You strike me as a very sensitive man, with much to give, and I can only wish you a deep and enduring committed relationship. Thanks for visiting my blog M. Dr. J.

      • John Barnes

        Hi Dr Jordan,

        I will off by saying I’m the other man, age of 55 and I’m married, I’ve been marred for almost for 33 years and I have been unhappy for about for most of our marriage, no love and not much love making, I have to always ask and it ends up with a aurgument. I had thought about leaving many times, I just thought I’m not good enough for anyone.
        About four months ago I met a lady on Instagram, she is 54, she is a travel blogger in Florida USA and I live in Australia, her first married lasted 18 years with 3 kids and her husband was 19 years older than her, her youngest is 24, her second marriage her husband is 6 years older than her and they have been married for 10 years. So it started with me asking questions about Florida because I had a friend who was going on holiday.
        I always commented on her photos and she would thank me like she did with everyone. This was going on for about four or five months. So all of a
        sudden she didn’t post anything for two weeks. So I PM her and asked if everything is ok because I don’t see anymore photos on your page, not thinking to much!! She replied after a week later. She said she was very impressed that I noticed and thanked me for my concern, she had problems with her page and her husband was trying to fix it, now it’s all running.
        I replied and said she is well come. She stated looking at my photos and she would like them and them PM and tell me how handsome I am, so this has been going on since then. So many things we spoke about and our children, her eldest daughter is guy, then a son and a daughter, I got two sons both guy. So we have something in common,. I’m from South Africa but now live in Australia, we also friends on face book and she tells me she lovers my voice, she asked me how is my married, I didn’t tell her in the beginning. Only after about two months chatting ever day. It came to a point one day when she side she is very attracted to me and she told me all there lovely things that any man whants to hear, I must say she is Absolutely Beautiful and a beautiful personality, I phone her and we chatted for two hours. After she told me how she thought of me, I fell in love with her, I started to write her poems, she was shocked to release I could write poems because I didn’t tell her. I told her if we both become singei that’s the way I put it, I will come over to her. She told me she will not leave her husband because he is wonderful like I am with all the same quilters. So with me sending her poems all the time she said we have to slow down. So ok I understand I think it’s best if we stop everything. She asked me please don’t because she wants to be friends for ever so I asked why, she said she doesn’t want to lose me, but also she can’t leave her husband because he saved her from the last married and she feels she owes hem that. She has told me that husband always says he is scared some man is going to take her away !! So she told me her mother always told her she should always have some man in the wings waiting to take her if she hasn’t got a man I’m her life. We talk everyday and she has sent me 9 photos of her in her bikini
        and she is amazing for age. I only phone at her work because she said wont give me her number. We have now made a packed that we will always be friends and someday when we single we will be together. I’ve tried to brake it off even after we have made this packed and always say please we must stay friends because we friends for life. So please Dr Jorden give me some advice, because I do love this women and she has never said she loves me but she did say she has very strong feelings for me. There is a lot I’ve left out because we write twice a day to each other. Thank you.
        Kind Regards
        John

  31. Sumit

    Dr. Jordan,

    I am in a similar yet different situation. The girl in my case is my cousin’s wife. It was a love marriage. I met her after 6 months of their marriage, just for a couple of days. But since then, both of us have felt a special bonding between us.

    She loves her husband very much. But she has a special feeling for me also. Is it something wrong? Can we not feel special about a person just because he/she is married? We cannot say this to anybody in our families. And if this fact is disclosed, it will tear our families apart.

    We know that it will never work out, and it is better to walk out of it. But as she is our relative, we will again meet up, come face to face. So completely forgetting each other is also not possible.

    I do not see a future to it. I am not yet married. Sometimes i just wonder if I could love my wife(whoever it may be) the same as I love her.

    Tried to take her out of my mind. Deleted her messages. Didn’t call her for about 15 days. But all in vain. She also tried the same, but that did not help.

    Day in and day out, I could not think of anything, but her. Her condition is also the same.

    Please suggest whether:
    1. We should stop right here right now?(But that’s not possible as we will again confront each other when our families meet).

    2. Or, should we continue like this for the rest of our life? (But Life is too long to lead without that special person of yours)

    3. Or, should we bring this fact in front of everybody? (Again that would result in devastating consequences for our families)

    4. Cant think of any other solution.

    It is like a journey, without a destination.
    Need help.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Sumit for your comment. Your love life situation reminds of the fact that love is a feeling that can emerge at any time and with anyone. It is a feeling that is fundamentally beyond our control. I think that is surely one of love’s virtues, however, it can also be a point of difficulty as well. Your situation, illustrates the difficulty. Unfortunately, the fact that the two of you are in the same family, makes this even harder. Sometimes in life, we have to make a decision that hurts us but we know it is right. You have a little soul searching to do. Your first decision is whether or not you want to make a move to ‘realize’ the love you are feeling. If you decide to do something to grow that love feeling, there will be painful conflicts, other people will be hurt and angry, you may be the target of aggressive acts on their part, etc., but you will have done something meaningful in terms of your feelings. This is no small thing. Some of the greatest adventures in life involve acting on feelings and not the expected conformity. If you decide that the damage to relationships in your family is too great to risk, then you will have chosen an equally (?) as painful path in denying the love you feel. To deny love is painful but can be lived with. People do this all the time. You would have to tell yourself that in a lifetime it is possible to love more than one person. That sometimes the love we feel can not be realized (made real) because it is the wrong person, wrong time, or wrong place for that love to occur. Either option, you will be faced with some loss and the need to grieve that loss. In option number one, the loss will be of relationships you value. In option number two, the loss will be realizing the love you are feeling. Plus, in my opinion, this decision should be an individual one, made only by you. Also, if you decide not to realize the love you are feeling, you would have to set a strong limit on the amount of actual contact you have with her. You would do this for both of you, whether or not she agrees. Good luck with this difficult love life problem. I respect your thoughtfulness about it. I am sure your soul searching will bring you exactly to where you need to be. Thanks for visiting my blog. Dr.J.

      • Sumit

        Thank you Dr. Jordan for understanding my situation. Yes, you are correct about “It is a feeling that is fundamentally beyond our control.” and “Sometimes in life, we have to make a decision that hurts us but we know it is right.”

        I decide to move on in my life. If my love for her is true, it should be unselfish, unconditional. One person who will be hurt the most,if I do not move out of it, is my cousin as he also loves her too much. I cannot make him suffer for the sake of my happiness.

        Love is not about “taking”, its about “giving”. Taking does not lead to love. Taking leads to an uncomfortable sense of indebtedness. Giving leads to love. Am I correct Dr. Jordan?

        Once again, I would thank you for this wonderful blog that you have opened. You are providing a life support to many, who are going through such difficult times in their life. You are doing a great job and I wish you all the best in your life!

        • Dr. Jordan

          Thank you Sumit for your heartfelt wishes. I’m glad to hear you are taking good care of yourself. I agree, love is about ‘giving.’ And when it comes back to you, it should be about ‘receiving.”Taking’ is often about getting something without really thinking through the effects on others. Glad to hear my blog is helping. Take care, Dr. J.

  32. John

    I am definitely the other guy. I guess I should give some honest background so that you fully understand my situation. I met this beautiful woman online 6 years ago. She was honest and told me she was married but in a very unhappy marriage. We hit it off from the start. Further background she lives on the east coast and I’m on the west coast. Seemed very harmless at the start. We fell in love instantly. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I played pro baseball so I have had alot of experience with women but nothing like her. Moving on, over the next 6 years we talk daily on the phone, and I’m not talking about small talk. We spent up to 8 hours on the phone daily, every day. Then I started making trips back east to see her. She is all I have ever wanted. Then she introduced me to her 14 yr old daughter and I introduced her to my 14 year old son. We all bonded.

    I’ll move back, she is a very religious woman, a woman of God. She is very much alone though. She married her husband less than a year after she divorced her first husband.

    Anyway we have been the best of friends and lovers as I have made several trips to see her. I can’t say it hasnt been difficult. We have been prego twice together and she miscarriaged both times. Over this time period I have build a great relationship with her daughter. I help her with her homework over the phone or thru email almost daily. I’ve accepted the situation we are in and have told her I will wait. About 6 months ago she said we can’t be together as we have any longer. She just felt too guilty. I accepted that. She wants to remain the the best of friends. I’m struggling with that big time. I think about her daily. We still talk on the phone every day. I still talk to her daughter and help with her homework. I truly love and care for them both.

    I’m all screwed up because I just can’t get over loving her. I truly want the best for her. I respect she wants to work on her marriage. I don’t ever want to lose her in my life and she still wants to the best of friends also. I’ve mentioned that I’m going to start dating and she gets mad. I don’t even want to date. I want her. I need advise. How am I ever going to get over the love of my life. I can’t date because I will just be setting up whoever I date to be hurt. She doesn’t want me to date.

    Am I the only one that has ever gone thru this. I’m willing to do anything to keep her in my life, but it hurts. I support her in everything. Any advise is helpful

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you John for your honest and open comment. No John, you are not the only one. This problem is so common I’m doing an online course about it in September at this blog. Anyway, I understand that you are hurting. You are in love but unable to have the person you are in love with. This inevitably happens when you fall in love with someone who is married and not doing something about her marital problem. You see, she has a lot of emotional needs. They are not being met in her marriage. For whatever personal reason, she chose to look for the fulfillment of those needs beyond her marital relationship. That’s where you come in. As the third person in the love triangle you are the most vulnerable with the most to lose, because you are trying to love a person who is committed to someone else. The only way you could ‘have’ her is if she left her marriage. The only way she would do that is if you left the triangle first and she made real changes to become a single woman again. At this point it is most important to think of ‘your needs.’ You need to heal your broken heart. Unfortunately, staying in touch with her will make that difficult for you. You need to grieve the ending of this relationship, no matter what she does, and get back your love life. Expect that the hurt and grief will be around for a while. Accept the feelings, don’t fight them, they will pass. Unfortunately, if you continue to see her, even as a friend, the experiences will re-injure you again and again. Healing is accepting that you cannot have her in a triangle and must mourn the loss. When you start this process expect she will inevitably try to pull you back into the triangle. She is hurting too, but for a different reason. She needs to fix or leave her marriage before she can have anyone else in her life. The good news for you is, after a bit of time, you will feel better and heal. Then you will be able to find an available woman. If it is going to be her, it will be because you’ve left the triangle, she has left her marriage, healed her loss, and now is a single mom looking for a partner. Then the two of you get to find out if your ‘one on one’ (no triangle) relationship is going to work. Thanks John for your comment. I wish you well. Thanks for using my blog. Take care, Dr. J.

  33. bimmy

    Helo Dr.j,

    I need your candid advice on what to do. I am in Love with a married woman with 4kids. She tells me she has no Love for her husband but just likeness because he takes care of the house and kids while she goes to work. I get jealous at their closeness even when she swore they no longer have any intimacy. My confusion is just that, I don’t know whether to stay on in my relationship of 9mnths with her or suffer the heartbreak and just run far away! I have no other Love but her and I get very jealous when she is with him.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks bimmy for your comment. Falling in love with a married woman is bound to create pain. Because she is ‘committed’ to her husband, no matter how good or bad their relationship is. Falling in love inevitably brings feelings of wanting to ‘have’ the person you love all for yourself. Your jealousy tells us you are feeling that need to have her for yourself. The problem is, no matter what she says, she is not emotionally available. The four kids, make it even more so, since she is probably more worried about their stability than the freedom to pursue love in her life, at least at this point in time. I think your impulse to run far away is the inside part of you that knows this is not going anywhere except to create more heartbreak. You need to find an available woman who is not married. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. And get back out there. Thanks for using my blog. Dr. J.

  34. Peter

    I am in this problem the “other man” its been more then two years, I have been in a relationship with a married women, and she has a kid. I have been in so much stress and I have become physically and mentally unhealthy, I don’t know what to do, please help.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Peter for your comment and use of my blog. When physical and/or emotional symptoms/illness starts showing up, because you are in a stressful unhealthy relationship, it’s time for a change. If you don’t make a change it can only get worse. Consider the illness ‘mother nature’s’ way of giving you a warning. Love triangles are always hard on the heart and the body. In a love triangle as the ‘third party’ there really is no where to go in the relationship. You are there because she has not taken care of a marital problem in a way that would fix it (make changes or leave). So you were drawn in to make it more comfortable for her and husband (believe it or not) for the time being. The only way the relationship you have with her would progress is if she really left her husband and had ‘proof’ not promises that she really did. Then you’d have a chance to see if what you feel for each other is real. Otherwise you will be hurting for an indefinite period of time remaining in the love triangle. This problem is so common and hurting so many people, I have decided to offer an online course in the fall for very little money to help people such as yourself get their love lives back after falling in love with a married person. What drew my attention to this problem is the amount of pain and suffering that is going on once the ‘third party’ falls in love with the married person. Check out the course. Thanks again Peter for your comment. Hope my reply has been useful to you. Dr. J.

  35. David

    I am currently in the love triangle. I am the “other guy”. Pretty long story so here it goes. She was a new hire a few months ago at the company I work for. When she hired I asked a few coworkers if they new if she was single and I was told she is married. I would never thought in a million years that I would ever be in this triangle. Anyhow, we first started by talking as friends and only friends. Everyday it became more and more. The attraction was forming. We ended up exchanging phone numbers because we talked about the possibility of hanging out outside of work one night but with other friends there as well. We never talk on the phone, we texted all the time (back and fourth). Our conversations got deeper and deeper. In all honesty, we were pursuing each other. But I wasn’t sure why she was pursing me because I never asked her what problems she was having in her marriage. Well the night came when we decided for all of us to hangout which was me and my friend and her and a few of her friends. The night went great. We pretty much talked and if you didn’t know us, you would have thought we were a couple. At this point we have never kissed or have had any sexual encounters. Well she finally opened up to me about how she’s been with her husband for 3 years. The 1st two years were awful. She said that after 6 months of being married that he kicked her out and made her move back to her moms. The next day he went and got her and brought her back with all her stuff. She told me that he was a bad temper and doesn’t treat her like she should be treated. He doesn’t show her much attention and their sex life is horrible. She did say that the 3rd year did get a little better but the sex life is horrible. So now I had the whole scoop on what was going on. When her and I texted all night long, Id ask her, where is your husband and how are you able to text so much. She would tell me, he’s playing poker or watching tv, he never pays me any attention (or he would be at a bar). So far at this point, we have only hangout once, but we talk 24/7 and see each other at work. The next weekend comes around and we decide to go out again with the same friends. This time she came to my house and we left my house together to go where we all met up. That night we came back and thats when everything escalated. The kissing, touching and led to sex and she had stayed the night. The next morning she had to lie to her husband about where she was. Well we kept talking like we always did after that. We’d met up a secret places just to see each other even if it was an hour (outside of work). The next weekend came up and we didn’t go out that weekend, but tuesday after she got out of her college class she came over to my house. Of course sex happened and she left late that night. We were texting on her way home like we always did. She got home and aid Ill text you in a bit just got here. LIke always, I replied “ok”. I didn’t hear from her for the next hour or so and that was a bit odd, because I would always here from her in the next 10 mins or so. Well I get the text, “its official, Im getting a Divorce”. She told her husband everything. She even told him she loves hanging out with me and how I treat her. She even told him that she wants to be with me. He told her that he has done so many messed up things, and he is the cause for all of this. But he didn’t want her running to me. The following day around 9:45am I hear banging at my front door. Guess who it is, its her husband. Everything just blew up. We talked man to man about the whole situation. He wanted to hear from me what has been going on to see if she was telling the truth. I told him everything from day one and even apologized for getting involved. I told him how she felt about him (of what she told me). I said she’s not happy, she doesn’t like how you treat her, and she never gets any attention. He knew exactly what I saying and agreed. The way he found my address was the Verizon bill. My number showed up on the texts and now-a-days you can get a persons name and with that you can get their address. He said thank you for talking to me like a man and telling me the truth and not lying about anything. He then told me that they need to figure out what they are going to do and if they get a divorce and the papers are signed, then at that time she’s all mine, but until then please cut all communication. I told him for having the balls to show up at my doorstep I would agree and that I would tell her that. He left and I texted her that we shouldn’t speak until she figured it all out, but that I wanted to tell her in person so she could hear it from me and I could hear what she had to say. So later that day we worked together and we went into private and talked. She told me she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her. She wanted to know how serious I am about her. If she left him to be with me would I kick her to the curb or turn out to be just like her husband is. She told me she wants to make sure her decision is certain. She told me she has so much hate and anger built up being with him. She doesn’t expect me to wait around for her she said. But she said she doesn’t want to end up regretting anything either. So we went back to work. During work she was still pursuing me. She told me her and her husband were having a talk about things again that night after work. I walked her out and she told me she would be in contact later in the evening to keep me up-to-date. Well I got a text from her saying that in their talk he said he wants to work things out with her, hows he’s treated her caused her to cheat and that he hasn’t been great to her. He mentioned to her that he can tell she’s leaning more one way of what she wants to do (me). This was an eye opener for him and he knows she’s needs to be treated better. She told him that kicking her out and all the bs she went through should have been an eye opener. That from a yr from now he will need another one when he goes back to his old ways. I told her she really needs to figure it all out on her own. I wont say anything to persuade her or budge her. I said that if you think you want to work on your marriage, then go for it because deep down inside me, most girls will say, well Ive been with this person for a few years, hmmmm might as well stay because Im comfortable. She told me she doesn’t like when I say that and she’s not happy in her marriage. Pretty much she has her mind set I believe and thats me (believe it or not). She just wants to be certain in her decision. I told her I can’t see her while this storm is going on. She didn’t understand why. She said she might be getting a hotel tomorrow to get away. If she does that I know for sure she will be calling me to come by which Im not even sure I would go. We work tomorrow together and Im sure she’s going to be pursuing me. During this whole ordeal. She has been telling me how much I make her happy. How well I treat her. She has never met such a sweet guy as me. Her parents would love me because they hate her husband. That she wants to be with me, she wants a divorce. She gets so excited to see me. The sex with me is great. Pretty much, I am the total opposite of her husband. She tells me shes crazy for me. She has never told me that she loves me. She said Im the only guy she has ever cheated on her husband with. I did tell her that if she did go through with the divorce, she would always be welcome at my place because I know she doesn’t have anywhere else to go (until she could get on her feet and get a place, which wouldn’t be long) since I am also responsible for all this. I wouldn’t leave her in the street. Yes I know that may be a bad move on my part or too soon or being to nice, but I just couldn’t cut her out like that. Im not going to lie. I really care about this girl a lot. Most people I meet I brush off or I try to find a flaw in them just to get rid of them. Not because Im scared of commitment or wondering about my love, its more so someone who I haven’t just clicked with and her and I just clicked. We have so much in common. Thats pretty much the story.

    • David

      Also we would meet up all the time after her class at secret locations.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you David for your comment and using my blog. Your story is the “classic” love triangle story. She is clearly attached to the two of you, hence the triangle. Question is, what is good for you. She has a hugh marital problem that has to be figured out before anything else can happen. In fact, as long as you are in the picture, she has no real incentive to fix it. I think the way to decrease the strain and stress on you and help her make her decision to stay with husband or leave, is for you in a caring way to tell her that your relationship must stop while she is deciding what to do. She will complain but psychologically and emotionally speaking, that is exactly what she needs. You know sometimes with the people we care about we have to do what is “needed” not what is “wanted.” If she shows you concrete signs of leaving her marriage (moving out, divorce, etc) I would be her “friend” until she has been able to separate successfully from her husband and establish herself as a single woman (avoiding rebound if you move in too quick). If after that the feeling between the two of you is still there, it will then have the “room” needed to grow as a one on one relationship (out of the triangle). If not, you will be free to get your love life back, move on to a healthier and available woman, and avoid triangles in your love life. Thanks again for your comment. Check out the online course I created for people who have fallen in love with married people: http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/classes. You can also access the info on my homepage. Take care David and good luck with this. Dr. J.

  36. Aaron

    Dr j
    i spent 8 months as the other man with the promise to run away asap .in the end she left her marriage and me ,left town and started with a new guy in one month .been with him for a year .i don’t understand why she didn’t take me .is this common and why ?

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Aaron for your comment. Unfortunately too common. One possible explanation is the “other man” was your limited role and when the triangle (you, her, and husband) dissolved so did your relationship. I know you are hurt, but in reality she did you a favor. Allowing you to move on to a healthier one on one relationship. Aaron, no more triangles. They are unhealthy and the 3rd party always suffers. Triangles mean that you are getting into a relationship with someone who is running away from issues in another relationship and probably a lot of personality problems as well. The best ways to fix a marital problem will always be to end honorably and move on, or couple’s counseling. Triangles never work. Check out the online class I put together on this topic (love triangles) http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/classes, info also on the homepage. Take care, and thanks again for using my blog. Dr. J.

      • Aaron

        Thank you
        i just really thought that her leaving her husband had opened up
        a path for us .she seemed in love with me .now
        some other guy is getting all the rewards in no time at all .

        • Aaron

          Sorry just one thing i still don’t get .if she had decided to reconcile with her husband i think id have been accepting of it and yes even seen it as a favor of sorts .but in leaving him she is available and she left me ?and not as she needed time as she was dating seriously in a month ?thanks dr j

          • Dr. Jordan

            Aaron, I know that makes this extra painful. My guess is that she is desperate and running away from something inside of herself. Jumping from one relationship to another is a common defensive thing to do when love life issues are troubling. Unfortunately it never solves love life problems. I think the best thing for you to do is stay away, heal your heart, and get back out there for a more available person. You are a sensitive perceptive guy who deserves a woman who can recognize that. Also you might want to check out our new class on love triangles, it’s an online video class that begins next week, October 14: http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/classes — Take care. Dr. J.

  37. Aaron

    Dr J
    sorry will make this the last post .im in australia and there’s not really anyone who specifically deals with this !you say -interestingly when a woman leaves the husband the om becomes a byproduct .i have become exactly that .my question is could her marriage have acted as a safety net to keep me at bay in a limited role as you mention.so when he finally kicked her out as I’ve been told she panicked at the promises she made to me and realised she now had to deliver and ran instead ? Just my theory as she always seemed out of my league really .

    • Dr. Jordan

      Aaron your intuitions and insights are pretty good. I’d agree with you that the prospect of something a bit more intimate is not tolerable for her at this time. This is usually the case with people who opt for a triangle rather than cultivating depth with another person, one on one. When limited intimacy is the underlying preference, the breakup of a marital relationship in the triangle tends to breakup all the relationships involved. I think it’s time to move on with the knowledge you’ve collected and the wisdom you’ve earned. Thanks for using my blog. Take care. Dr. J.

  38. JC

    Dear Dr Jordan,

    Thank you for your sensitive and excellent article. Trawling the net, this is the most beneficial information I have found.

    Yes, as you say, I am finding my triangle very difficult. When I met her, I didn’t think I could love again – in fact, I had forgotten about love entirely, what it felt like and for quite a while was wondering why on earth I was so emotional! It was such a surprise to finally figure out what I was feeling!

    We share the same class and I initially thought she’d separated from her husband. But no, she’s married with children. They have a father/daughter relationship which she says, they’ve maintained over the years for the sake of their children.

    On the other hand she made it plain she was interested in me. And having been single and uninterested for a long while it was a surprise to find I wanted to spend time with her, and then, that no-one else would do! Yes. Very surprising. And no, an affair wasn’t what I had in mind. Just being with her, as a friend, was more than enough. But eros has her own rules.

    So, it’s been four months since our affair actually started. What a whirlwind of delight! Hot, interesting, dynamic. Wow. It’s great to see her grinning ear to ear, laughing from her centre and all the other stuff. And sadly, feelings of solitude, loneliness, unrequited silence, I guess natural in an affair, have also crept in. I have also had an affair in the long distant past, and now I know, a little, how the other woman felt at that time (and I should say, after I left my wife we did start up again and but for a tragedy, would still be together today). I also know how liberating it felt for me then. How it effected my self esteem in such a positive way.

    Yesterday I became irked at her, at what I perceive is emotional distance. She said she wasn’t aware of this at all. OK. After thinking about her needs (children, double life, work), our needs, things that we have in common (upbringing, similar difficulties etc) I have today thought of mine. Today I realised that I actually want and need more.

    As a result of your article I realise what I want is more; deeper intimacy, greater connection, more time with her. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t have time for anything more than we already share because of her commitments; working, children, home, family etc, and being split, and in a triangle, she may not be willing or able to in anycase. I also acknowledge your point that if it were to come down to it, it may be easier for her to remain in an unfulfilling but accomadative relationship. That is a sadness.

    So, today I have come to the conclusion that I should leave her so that she can sort out her relationship, if that’s what she wants to do. She and her husband have some kind of arrangement (which I’ve not asked her about – it’s her business after all) involving the care of their children. If they were to separate, I have no idea what that could mean for them, although it is foreboding to think of it. I also think that I don’t know how I will feel if we were ever together outside of the secret, very private, intense relationship we are having. It could be something that might only ever be able to exist in private. Or, it could be great fun! It’s difficult.

    The thought of leaving her is also a deep sadness. Deep sadness. I dread the conversation I think we must have. The loss of something so inspiring, the potential ‘might-have-been’, all the emotional investment we’ve shared, all we’ve shared.

    At this stage, for both of us, there have been many benefits; loving, and to be loved, is a fantastic feeling and in many ways, might be enough (though, at this stage, I doubt it!). I don’t know that I wouldn’t have found this again, but for her.

    Thank you again for your frank and excellent article.

    JC

  39. Chris

    I have been through exact situations as ‘other man’.Its been almost 2 years. she had been fighting her husband alot..Lately she has been mentioning bout ways to bring back peace in her house.I suggested that the problem is us.If we end it, she can work on her marriage, She denied saying its got nothing to do with us. Lately She has been comparing her husband and me telling he is a better care taker and stuff.Not sure whats goin on.

  40. Errol

    Hi Doc,
    Maybe you can help me to get some clarity on my situation.
    I have been in love with a woman (let’s call her D.) for more than 20 years. We dated briefly in our early 20’s but I ended up falling for someone else and broke it off with her. Even with my other girlfriends, I could not get this woman (D) out of my mind- I compared all others to her since then and none matched up. I have not been able to maintain a healthy relationship in all my life, because none seem to live up to the feelings I have for D.
    Shortly after I broke it off with D about 18 years ago, she moved on and married, and now has two kids and lives very far from me. We have stayed in contact as friends throughout all these years, aways with romantic tension that we avoided speaking about, but I have always harbored feelings for her and I know she has for me. Recently we both admitted our feelings for one another, and that we have both had them for over 20 years. She does not talk about her marriage or husband with me but I assume her marriage is healthy, as she has been with him since I broke it off with her long ago. I think she may have settled for him. I love her but do not want to harm her marriage and children. Yet I am hopelessly in love with her and feel stuck in my life. I have no motivation to move on in hopes that it could someday work out with her. She is the love of my life and it hurts me to my core that I lost her so long ago. Please help.

  41. Mary

    Dear doctor,

    Thank you for your blog and all the comments. I have been reading so much trying to understand this who traingle topic. I’m the married woman in the triangle. I have known the other man for over 6 years while i was still single. He lives in a different towm from where i live. He always liked me from the time we met and we would spend time on the phone and he would always pay me a visit or pick me up from work when he was in town. However, when i tried taking things a bit further, like asking if the two of us could take a drive or be alone together as he was always accompanied by a friend or a cousing when he would visit me, he would always bail out and said it was not a good idea. A few 2 years years after that i married someone else and we didnt really communicate much. A year ago he started chasing after me again, he would call or text me to go and see him when he comes to town and i would turn down his advances. Until about 7 months ago, when i travelled to the town he was and he arranged for my transport while i was there. He came to my hotel room and we spoke and embraced but i would not let him kiss me or do anything else. I left that town and returned home but our conversations over the phone became very intimate. He told me he could not fight his feelings anymore and when i asked him why he waited until i got married before he could tell me, he said he was protecting me because at the time he had a girlfriend and they just had a daughter together. When i finally gave in, he was very secretive about how we were to do things claiming to protect me and said he had nothing to lose and i had everything to lose. My husband found out about us recently and called him and told him to stop persuing me. We spoke on the phone after that and he said he thought it was best for us to cut all contacts because he has a reputation to protect and that he loves his life. Why does he suddenly have so much to lose when in the begining he said he had nothing to lose? I’m quite confused because i dont really know what to do. I wanted to leave my marriage even before this guy and i reunited but my husband will not let me go and i think that if i have to leave then i must come up with an excuse like going to study in another country or so. In that way i wont have to see my husband and feel sorry for him. My husband is a good man but we just dont have that chemistry. We married very young and undue influence played a role. How come this other man did not think about his reputation and the love for his life when he was persuing me? What is going through his mind now that we mutually ended things?

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks for your comment Mary. In my opinion, staying in a marriage out of fear or any other reason than love is bound to make you miserable and worse over time. Triangles often occur because people are forcing themselves to stay in a committed relationship with a person they no longer love. As the married person in your triangle you are forced to struggle with your own ambivalence never feeling like you can settle into a love relationship with either person, your husband or your lover. I think the first order of business, is to figure out what to do about your marriage. If you decide to stay, put your energies into solving the problems in that relationship. If you decide to leave, I would give yourself a little time to establish yourself as a single person before you jump into the next committed relationship. If the gentleman who has been pursuing you has real love for you he will understand your need to do this. Otherwise, “rebound” happens and we transfer the problems we encounter in one relationship into the next. If you leave your marriage, clear your head, do a little soul-searching, and then start up your love life again. Remember, a healthy enduring love relationship has “friendship” in it as well as romance. The friendship part is involved in understanding the emotional needs of the person you love. Your lover needs to be your friend for a little while while you climb out of the triangle. Hope this has been useful. DrJ.

  42. MP

    Dear Dr.,
    Thank you for your blog. I am the “other man” in the triangle. We have been talking to each other almost an year.
    At first I would tell you I am an Indian. I will tell you two parts of my love story. One is before her marriage and second one is after her marriage.
    We had first met each other in 2005 when we were young. I was like 16 yrs old then. She actually came to visit her relatives in my town. At that time, we met each other for 3 days only. We talked a lot to each other. Not about love but about studies and other things. After talking to her I began to have a huge crash on her. But I could not tell her. Then she left for her home which is quite far away from my home. I really fall for her at that time, but I could not do anything as I was too shy to ask someone about her. I didn’t have her mobile no. nor she had mine. After that I got busy with my studies. And she got married in 2008.
    Last yr in 2013, we again met in Facebook after almost 8 yrs. And we started to talk each other. She told me she missed me so much after we met in 2005. I too told her I missed her so much. I felt so regret, even now I regret it why I didnt I try to communicate her at that time. After sharing our feelings of 2005, we again fall in love with each other. She openly told me that till now she had been in love with two persons – her husband and me.
    She tells me that she, before marriage, even told her husband that she loved someone before..but didnt tell my name. It has been 5 yrs. of her marriage, I would like to tell you how she describes her marriage. They had one year relationship before her marriage with her husband. Since the parents of her husband decided to arrange the marriage for her husband with another girl, hence they had to elope in her early age. She was only 21 then. She openly tells me that they were so much in love with each other in earlier stage of marriage, but the problem was that they are not compatible at all. Her husband does not listen even a single suggestion she gives. And her husband is so dominant that everything he does he does according to him. She tells me that her husband cheated her that he does not do smoking and drinking. When I met her last year she was quite depressed as she told me.
    She tells me she had tried so much to correct the habits of her husband, but her husband does not listen. She has given up the hope.
    She shares me almost everything. I too tell her everything about me, about my family, about my habits. She regrets that she used to talk to her husband before their marriage but she did not know what to talk. So she could not know him properly. When she married, then only she came to know that her husband is completely opposite to her.
    We have been talking to each other for a year now. We love each other so much. She is so soft and compassionate I cant tell you in words. She shares me all her feelings with me. I too tell her everything. We talk a lot in phone, do chatting. The way she behaves with people around her, the way she behaves with her in laws just impresses me. She has got so positive attitude. She would be a perfect partner for me. She tells me that no one loves her so strongly than I do. The kind of openness we two share I cant tell you in words. She tells me my love for her is completely different from others. As she is married, we tried not to talk any more so many times, but every time we tried we became closer and closer.
    But the problem is that now her husband knows about our relationship. Accidently she forgot to delete the recording file of our conversation in her tablet and her husband found it. He warned her that he would tell her parents about that recording. But as she was scared of ruining her image, she asked him to forgive her and told him that she would not do again. Problem is that even after knowing our relationship; her husband does not allow her to go away. Recently, she came to her mother’s home, but she had to go back to him after he repeatedly told her to go back to him, every time she made any reasons not to go he warned her that he would tell her parents about that recording. After going back to him, she had even told her husband that she wanted divorce, but her husband did not give attention to it.
    I am in so much love with this woman. I don’t want to lose her. But I am concerned of what my friends and family will think, as I am from rural India so I am worried. I know my family will not support me for the marriage. Sometimes I become confused that if our relation too become the same as her relationship with her husband now!!
    I have not told any of my friends about my relationship. I told her to live with her parents and she was okay with it but her husband does not allow her. And I have planning to do my marriage a little bit late, probably after 3 years, I have told her this before our relationship began, and she is okay with it as she too don’t want to marry as soon as she gets apart from her husband.
    I love her so much.
    .Plzz give me some suggestions.
    If you have a way I can contact you please let me know !

  43. herc rosa

    I never thought it could happen to me but it did..everything that has been said here and now it makes me tear up like I lost a big part of me I was on her side and gave her strength when he didn’t I was her foundation when played tennis. .I was her rock when it got stormy..now all I got was I feel guilty we can be friends but I love you still I dont understand how can she tell me that after 3 years can anyone tell me how can she tell me this? My pain is every day of my life and I try and try it doesn’t get easy at all

  44. Simon

    What an insightful page, I am currently single and met a married woman ( I am in the uk she the us) online. We have known each other a few months and I have strong feelings for her and her me ( I assume) we skype regularly ( which is sometimes sexual) and message each day, however I am struggling because I want to be with her, she says she loves me but has said she won’t leave her husband till her kids have grown which is at least 5 years away. She gives me all the signs she is in a miserable marriage but I don’t understand if it was that miserable that you would put yourself through that. She gets upset when we have to sign off talking saying she wants me which in turn hurts me. I really don’t know what to do, it plays with my head and I think about her 24/7 , especially when she says they still have regular intimacy, she also say ‘s whilst I am waiting I should find someone to be intimate with too.. I am at a point where I don’t know how to proceed for the best. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.thank you

  45. Mrs Jones

    Thank you so much for this article. I have a story to tell and need serious advice.

    I’m the married woman, I love my husband and yes good to me and he seems to be happy with me, nut since last year Sept I’ve been having an affair with my ex.

    When my hubby and I met I was young and was having a string of sexual affairs, he wanted to be in my life so we agreed on an open relationship. He fell in love and dropped seeing other women while I continued seeing other men and women. I saw that he was getting hurt so I stopped and focused on him only. We had our daughter a year later and other year we got married and moved to a bigger house.

    By this time my libido has been nonexistent. I thought is was child birth so I thought I’ll give it some time. It never came back. This led to fights coz he was used to us having sex everyday (mostly initiated by me). I just had no interest in sex what so ever.

    We then had financial problems which led to us moving in with my mom. And I was forced to find a job.

    My ex: we grew up together. He was the be boy of the neighborhood. When we started off he had a girlfriend and they had a baby (he also had another child with another girl). The arrangement was we’ll be sex partners (he’s pretty hot and girls throw themselves at him. Lol.)

    For 2 years we snuck around having mind blowing sex (he is by far the greatest sex I’ve ever had). The relationship was full of passion. We use to fight like cats and dogs and have crazy makeup sex. Things ended when he started becoming possessive. He said he doesn’t want sex only he wants a relationship. ( by that time his girlfriend had two more kids.) I was starting to fall for him, but I didn’t want to be with him, so I broke up with him. We lost contact, I moved, met my husband etc.

    Last year at my mom’s place “other guy” comes over, pleading his in dying love for me. I tell him I’m married now. He says he knows, but he wants to be in my life. All those feelings I had for him came flooding back. We has sex twice. But I ended it coz I was feeling guilty. He came back pleading, I said no.

    Thing got better financially we moved to our ow place. I kept contact with ”other guy”. I had sex with him again and it became a weekly thing. And still fought like cats and dogs he’d delete me on social media then invite me again.

    Last week we had our biggest fight ever (over whatsapp) where we called each other names. I deleted him but called him the next day. He broke up with me then I told him I loved him, he didn’t believe (said I’m manipulating him). So he broke it off. I felt I tinge of relief and grief. But the following day he begged me to come and see him and we should reconcile.

    Thing ere OK for two days then we had another fight. I told him I hate the fact that I love him and wish I could stop loving him coz this relationship is bad for me. We reconciled, had crazy sex. Now I’m also helping him find a job.

    Needless to say things in my marriage are good, the sex is back on the table. And I don’t ever want m husband to find out nor will I leave him. But I’m so attached to this guy. Every waking moment he’s in my head. I fantasies us in 30 years time. I want to end things. I would delete his numbers, then trace it and call him. This relationship has become consuming. I want it to end.

    Another worry is, I might end things with current guy but I’ll replace him with someone else. I don’t think I’m capable of being in a relationship with one man.

    Please help

  46. James Anoon

    Where do I start? I have been in love a married woman for the past 7 months. We share a very strong love. Please note no sex just lots of kissing, hugging and talking. We used to meet twice a week and sit in the car for a few hours talking, kissing and hugging. She was always very scared of getting caught and rightly so I don’t want that. She has been trying to end if for a while because of the guilt she is going through and I have not made it easy by constantly been around. She said she wants to work on trying to fix her family, today I had the courage to let her go as I could no longer stand seen her unhappy and scared, but I am broken up bad. I feel my world has turned dark, I can’t breathe, so confused and lost, and I can’t concentrate or focus on anything. I love this woman so much. I have never asked her to leave her husband and she always said she wants to be with me not as a side effect of a failed marriage. I am so lost I don’t know if I should fight for her or let her go.

  47. tom Vogliardo

    I was the “Other man” in a triangle with my high school sweetheart and her husband of 3 years. She found me on Facemaster in November 2013 as I was returning home from an overseas contract job. She and I last saw each other 15 years ago when we were both kids and we loved the idea of each other. I back peddled when she asked to meet up for a drink because I knew what might happen, but a month of blowing her off I finally agreed to have a beer with her and some of her friends…later that night I ended up at her place and since her husband was away for businesses that entire week, I of course found myself at her house every night falling in “love” with eachother while we planned our lives together.
    2.5 months later and after many heated arguments about our little secret “deal” unraveling, me getting sick of being her #2, and catching her in a lie or two after acting extremely shady, I lost it. Icame to the conclusion that she was using me for sex, never planned on leaving her husband in he first place, and had been stringing me along. I got my revenge.
    I sent her husband a long letter telling him everything about us having sex in thier house, on thier couch and in thier bed. I attachedseveral pictures of the two of us on our weekend road trips and in hotel rooms. He simply replied “bummer”. He forwarded her the message and I havent heard from her since…9 weeks ago. They are gettng divorced. We all 3 lost. I ruined thier lives, she hurt me, I hurt her bad, and I did her husband a favor. She was going to cheat on him with somebody else if not me anyway. She had her cake and ate it too…she played us both. Now all I have is a feeling of guilt for betraying her trust by telling her husband. I should have just backed out quietly. I should have never gotten involved in the first place.
    Red flags are red flags and gut feelings are gut feelings. Trust them.
    TRIANGLES ARE BAD NEWS.

  48. Rick

    I am the other guy in a relationship with a married woman. She is quite a bit younger than me. I am also married. The relationship started as just two freinds who were in bad marriages. We have been seeing each other for 9 months. She has 2 small children. I have 2 grown children. 3 months ago she and him decided to seperate. I helped her get a place. Helped her with her bills etc. we are deeply in love. Last week she says her stress is too much to bear. Her small kids cry all the time. She says her kids wanted their family back. They are 3 and 5 yrs old. I am willing to leave my wife of 25 years for this woman. She has let him move in the house i helped her rent. I am devistated. My heart is broke. She still tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. I need help!!

  49. aalber

    I am a 31 year old married woman. Been married for 10 years. I have two kids who I love to death.
    Two years ago I met a young guy (currently 23) and since the first day I saw him I fall in love with him. we became best friends and we share everything together. A year ago I told him about my feelings. He did not comment at all. Then 4 months later he told me that he loves me.
    He was afraid that he destroy my life. We both tried to hide and keep inside all our feeling, but it was a matter of time till we exploded and could not take it anymore. I love him sooooo much. I never loved someone like him. And he loves me even more. I am the luckiest woman on earth to have such a person to love me and care for me.
    He happen to be a friend of my husband as well. He took so much pain comforting me when I have issues with my husband and in so much pain when he see us together.
    My husband is a great father but a bad husband. Moody, hard to deal with, aggressive, etc. I tried to fix my life with him for years. It has been 3 years that we barely have a sexual relationship.
    Whenever he approach me, its like raping me since I don’t feel any emotions with him anymore, but I try to act up for the sake of my kids. I know I can’t be there mom and dad at the same time. I can’t leave there dad as they need both of us. They are still very young.

    but my man is in so much pain. He gave away so many things for me and to be close to me. All I think of is him. We have that image in mind that we will grow old together and that when the kids get older, I will leave there dad and be with him. He is living his life for that hope, but I am scare that I never have the braveness to do that.
    All I think of is him growing old alone, childless, sad after he wasted his life waiting for me. I tried to leave him couple times with my heart broken into countless pieces, but he keeps telling that even when I leave him, he will never love someone like how he loved me. I know he won’t.
    I can’t live without him, but I can’t live without my kids and I will do everything to make them live happily, but he will pay the price if I can’t be his wife one day.
    I love him. Beyond what love means. I want to see him happy, but I know myself. I am so weak when it comes to my kids. I will take the beat, disrespect, hate but be with them.

    what should I do

  50. Martin

    Im the “other man” too. She said she still loves her husband but isn’t in-love with him anymore. She said she wont leave him because she doesn’t want kids growing up without their dad & the financial implications of splitting up is too great. Is that a good reason to stay with her husband?.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Check out my new post…http://lovelifelearningcenter.com/stay-with-someone-you-dont-love/. There are always emotional consequences to staying in a relationship with someone you no longer love. More to the point, she is attached to him and it does not sound like she will be leaving any time soon. In fact, your presence in her life is probably making it easier for her to stay with someone she does not love for ‘other reasons.’ However, that’s not so good for you. You get a ‘part-time’ uncommitted lover as a consequence. Triangular relationships are hardest on the third person—you. You might consider cutting your loses, grieving what you were hoping for, and finding someone who is emotionally available for a full-time relationship. Good luck. Dr. J.

  51. Carl

    This is far the best article I have ever read in my life. I was dating a married woman for 3 years and I just decided to break it off and cut my losses. She was married to a guy who gave her absolutely no sex and no romance. She hasn’t had sex or romance from her husband for the 3 years we’ve been seeing each other and 2 years before than. They even gone to counseling this past November and that fell through. She claimed she was leaving after that and that never happened. We have great sex on a regular basis and we have a lot in common and we both love each other. I know her husband is paying most of the bills because of his 6 figure income against her commission from her job and she claims he’s very nice to her. He has to know she’s seeing someone else. She keeps telling me she’s leaving and keeps coming up with all sort of excuses why she hasn’t made a move to leave. Each exuse will carry me into a few weeks or months and when that time passes she comes up with another excuse. She was suppose to be bringing boxes to my house and that never happened. Than she sends me all these house listings of houses she’s looking at and working with a Realtor when she hasn’t even put up the house she already has on the market. That made no sense to me. I think its all a smoke screen. The latest excuse was this past April when she told me that they both had a conversation to sell the house and leave. So far the house is still not on the market and she comes up with all sort of excuses as to why its not yet. ‘I have to work some more to get more money because the house is not going to sell for what I thought it would’ I now realize that she will never leave her husband and if I dont cut my ties I would end up alone forever.

  52. Albert

    Hi! It is really good article. I am also the “other guy” here. I am married with kids and she is also married with a kid. We became friends coz we work together. Almost everyday we see each other and eventually became closer to the point that she is sharing her problems with her husband… I’ve been the so called “shoulder to cry on” guy. That draw us much closer and became intimate with each other for over a month until her husband found out our secret relationship thru text messages. She never admitted that there is going on with us.. She decided to end our relationship and fix her relationship with her husband. Eventually she is pregnant right now. I just don’t know if its mine or her husband. But she is very sure that its her husbands.. It is hard for me to accept her decision to end our relationship coz i loved her and got so attached with her. How come its easy for her to end it up and move on (as i see her). What should i do? I see her still everyday, we are friends right now.. Sometimes i still get to hug and kiss her but after she will tell me again to do things right.

  53. josh

    This quote is absolutely incorrect:
    “Triangles exist simply because a problem is not being resolved in a marriage”

    People don’t love because they’re broken, people love because they want to love. and it is completely normal for a person to love more than one person simultaneously. its not accepted by social norms but most people develop feelings for more than one person. this is why cheating exists. we think the only way to deal with our emotions is to keep one of the relationships a secret. and the secret one is of course the second one you developed. There are better ways to deal with our nature, people swing, open their relationship, or practice “Poly”. it is human nature to love more than one. dont insult people by saying the way they love is broken.

    good things to look up:
    “sex at dawn” – the author of this book about the origins of human non-monogamy has given lots of talks that can be seen on youtube.

    “ethical non monogamy” – this topic covers ways of embracing multiple loves.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks Josh for your comment. The great thing about a blog is that we can all have our own viewpoints and disagree if need be. As you are probably aware, the general philosophy of the LoveLifeLearningCenter is that a commitment in love creates the relationship “conditions” for the deepest emotional intimacy between two people. Of course people are free to have whatever lifestyle or “love-style” they want to have. We believe that a deeper emotional intimacy in a committed love relationship is worth striving for. This is not to say there will not be attractions and even love for another person or people along the way. But in commitment these experiences are not acted on because a “promise” of commitment was made. We believe and have witnessed the fact that “triangles” dilute the potential emotional intimacy that is possible between two people. If a deeper emotional intimacy in your love life is your goal, triangles are certainly not the best way to get there. Working out differences and keeping a commitment of love (or leaving to look for another) is. The level of emotional pain and conflict my readers of this particular article have posted as commentary over the past two years certainly attests to the fact. Thanks again, Dr. J.

      • Eric

        Hi am Eric and am the other guy in the relationship. Am friends with this girl who was living with an illegal immigrant for close to two years.she said it was for convenience in the beginning because she had two kids from a previous failed marriage n needed a man around but with time she fell in love with him and they have been living together as a family. we recently started having feelings for each other and started getting intimate because she felt emotionally more connected with me and sexually too. our intimacy is intense and we have great conversations. she tells me she loves me all the time but she recently got married to the guy. she postponed the wedding for 2weeks because she wasn’t sure but went thru with it finally because they have made plans together n before they can achieve all dat the guy has to get his legal residency and work permit. Am not able to text or talk to him when she goes home because the husband is suspecting something.she says if the marriage breaks up she doesn’t want to be the one to leave but it should be the guys decision so she won’t feel guilty.she claims she loves both of us because I feel like a real partner to her n sometimes feel her husband is like a father which I understand because she grew up without a father. recently they both lost their jobs which means they will be spending more time together. I decided I can’t take the emotional stress and called it off. I really did love her but I don’t know if she truly did love me or not.we did get intimate the night before her wedding but she still went ahead to marry him.we haven’t got in touch for a week. I am going thru the withdrawal stage. she hasn’t called me too or got in touch.Did she really love me or she’s truly in the marriage because of her kids n family.Am confused n sometimes feel like calling her.what do I do

  54. Curtis

    Hi, this is an awesome article. I am the “other” guy as well. I have been in this relationship for well over 3 years now. It started by working with this woman side by side and I ended up getting divorced over it. Unlike most triangles, our relationship has been primarily emotional up until about 2 months ago when she told me “lets go for a ride” one night. Now the stickler for me is that in the past year I have tried to leave 3 times to no avail. Each time I was pulled back. Back in January it was a text “Am I too late?” and then in July she told me to move to Phoenix and take a job so I took off. No contact, came back a week later and she said “I don’t want you to go. I want you in my life and was scared you weren’t coming back. Do I need to have divorce papers on the table by Wed?”. Well, once again she tried to talk to her husband and he does not talk and things have went nowhere. Now she is pushing me to walk away AGAIN so that she can figure out how she feels. I love this woman. She is catholic, very strong catholic thus why no sex until back in July. She is co-dependent and definitely has a passive-aggressive personality. She keeps telling me she wants to figure out how she feels but when I leave she realizes it in short order but does not have the capability to change things. Her husband has told her that if she leaves him it will kill his mom. And her oldest son also controls her and her mom tells her that she has no choice but to make it work. She has two boys and neither are the current husbands children. Her first husband committed suicide back in 2001. I know more about this woman than anybody does. But what do I do. Her asking me to walk away again just pisses me off. Her husband knows about me very well and we have crossed paths many times. They have been living in separate houses for well over a year. I so badly want to tell him about the sex and so many other things but I know how it will hurt her. But this has cost me so much, I have a lease on an apartment in Phoenix that is costing me $1200 a month now because of her latest change of heart. What does one do when you know the person loves you but she just won’t make the change? She has told me many times that she is scared she will end up back in this situation because he is not going to change. He doesn’t even hold her when crying, doesn’t show any emotion, won’t talk to her about things, doesn’t tell her he loves her or that she looks nice or beautiful, etc. She knows I love her completely unconditionally and can kick me and I will come back. She was also sexually abused as a child which she told me about last week.

    I am confused, hurting and absolutely miserable. And so is she. And he just goes on with his life and friends. She told me he is still stuck at the starting line (energy input) and I have long crossed the finish line.

  55. Paula

    Dr. Jordon I am pregnant by my ex married lover. He’s angry I refuse to have an abortion. He’s been married29 yr he dumped me after 4 yrs. Claimed he’s committed to his marriage I think he left me for someone else. I wrote his wife. Found out she caught him flying a woman from over seas. Before he dumped me. Week later found out iI was pregnant. Yes he gave me money for abortion . He been harrasing me. Got upset. Cause i contact his wife. I just got tired. I have not heard from him in a month. I emailed him let him know how I felt. He blames. Me for screwing up his marriage . Called me names etc. I don’t want him back. I am slowly GetGetting my life back. His wife said thank you for the information. It will be very helpful. Do not know what she mean. Yes I am going for child support. I personally do not want him around. He made it look like it was a one night thing. To his wife. 3 yr affair we had he’s a salesman . I live in Baltimore he lives in philly. We met on dating site. The lies. But he was so disturbed he begged me not to tell his wife. . Answer me this why ? And how come he stopped. Contact ? Why is e so angry at me? I just woke up and smelled the coffee. I see him differently. His wife said he stopped going to therapy. Okay whatever. But I am not giving up my baby. This situation really hurt me. So help me out here.

  56. Paula

    Also I never asked my ex lover to leave his wife. I liked what we had. If he was so committed to his marriage why cheat? I think married people are full if shite. They have life a lot of people would die for. Personally I feel a lit if them. Know they never should have married . Needy basterds!!

  57. Shah

    I am in the same kind of triangle as an ‘other man’. I am 22 and the married women is 28 with 2 children. At first she was begging me for love and I was giving response to her just for making her happy and let not her cry on her life with her unfaithful and irresponsible husband. Eventually she made me die for herself by giving me too much love. I started her care more and more. Now I thought that I can’t live without her and she should be with me in my care. But now she says thay she cannot leave her husband fore the sake of her children and what will people talk about her. She realisis that she done wrong to me and she says that she was not making relationship with me for marriage. She says that she is still with me and that she still love me but I can feel her ignorance now. I can simply judge that she don’t need me now as much as she needed before and she committed this herself. I am sad and lonely now and have lost my intetest in everything of this world.

  58. John

    I am the other guy. Thought I was THE guy. Her being a friend of 4 years, her husband being one of my close friends for 14 years, they have one child together. The triangle wasn’t physical as she only made love to me, but it definitely was emotional. For 4 months she planned on divorcing him because he wouldn’t change (dead beat, drug addict, etc), she filled out the papers, filed it, certified mailed it and everything. She did have her doubts and kept me in the loop with her feelings the whole time, but I didn’t want to believe she’d actually reconsider the divorce. Well, she did just that. One week her husband was drinking, popping pills, etc… next week he’s in church, told her truths about stuff he lied about (heroin), and convinced her he has changed (…in a week). When she told her husband about me she broke things off with me and said she wants to give her marriage a fair chance.

    I’m absolutely devastated… we both had feelings for each other even before things got really rocky between them, so about a month and half into us seeing each other she tells me that she loves me, and I tell her the same. We said those words to each other every night and day for the following 2 and a half months, she was helping me get more accustomed to her child and moving for us to be more serious. And that’s what I thought was going to happen. And now, out of no where, it’s all over. It’s been a week, she’s given me closure but it only helped for a day. The only thing that distracts my mind is exercising and taking exams in my classes, any other time I spend thinking about her and missing her and her child. I don’t know what to do, I want to move on but at the same time I’m hoping she will realize she doesn’t want to be with him. I shouldn’t wait around but I also just want to focus on school for now, however lectures and homework don’t keep me focused and my mind always drifts to her.

  59. sunny

    absolutely rite in what ever you have spoken …. i am still the second guy … and i go thru this dilemma every single day on what to do !! i am not happy when ever she gets back to her happy married life …. i never wanted to get into such a situation … i wish she leads an even more happier life with her husband …. she loves me too …

    i am just so confused !!!

  60. Sussan Persnice

    I am the woman in the triangle. A lot of what you write is as close as it gets to my situation. Our situation.
    I have been with my other man for 13 years. Its no longer an affair.
    We were both married at the start. Now he is separated and wants me to leave.
    I left my marriage last year only to feel torturous guilt for leaving family and hurting my husband. Despite having lived with my lover for a year i asked for forgiveness and returned home
    I carry a lot of cultural baggage. Now made worse by my husband telling the community of my infidelity. As a result i have been shunned out and i refuse to see or talk to anyone. My husband is very moralistic, my dad was passive, my mum was domineering and i suspect she had affairs, i got married young and lived with my in laws for years. I felt suppressed in this arrangement and when i met my lover it was like a rebirth.
    Now i am home and the suspicions are excruciating, the suffocation is horrendous. I lack social life and feel miserable. I feel terrible for my husband, and feel this is my punishment. We have purchased a house and the kids look foward to moving out As we dont like where we live. This negativity a result of my doings and now attitude.
    I should feel remorse and correct my wrongs but see every day our incompatibility. However fear childrens view of me and my constant instability and indecisiveness.
    My husbands view and authority and his influence on kids horrifies me. Whilst i was away for a year the kids opted to stay with him, which totally devastated me.
    My lover is a decent honourable man, despite his part in the infidelity. His outgoing and occasional partying has given me cause for concern, and i feared living a life of uncertainty. He is still in my life and the intimacy is beyond anything i have seen read or heard. We are deeply passionate and the fire has not diminished. It gets more intense with each encounter. No doubt we compensate for the sad instability, and lack of commitment on my part. It has become pure addiction.

    He now demands i leave my marriage again. I love him but fear a life of guilt and depression. It feels like it will be a deep loss either way. I fear a lack of respect from my children. I fear a lack of respect for my decision making and for making them go through the process of me packing and leaving again . It cripples me.

    Yet i love my lover. I am consumed with thoughts of him. I am obsessed with him.
    And fear losing him. I know i am being unfair to him, to offer myself to him part time. He has left his family. And he lives with the thought i sleep beside my husband. The sex is to say the least intermittent ,non existent, brief and mechanical.
    Yes i know my issues drive this triangle. Yes there is a level of comfort when i have two worlds in balance. Yes i know i am ill. I know i am addicted to the cycle. I am letting all our lives slip by, and we are all drifting.

    Making love to my lover is my highlight but he is losing patience with my inaction.
    I remind him of the difficulty to cross over again, but refrain from saying this should finish only because life at home gets so unbearable i see myself running to him.
    What i have written is a brief account of what hAs happened in our lives for the last 13 years, it has been filled with sorrow pain and much hurt for all.
    Please offer me some advice,no doubt it will be painful advice either way.
    I feel absent in my own life.

    • Michael

      Sussan

      I sympathise with your situation. I went through something similar once, and I made the tragic mistake of staying with my wife, although I never really loved her.

      I stayed for the sake of the children.

      Eventually the kids left, and my marriage eventually disintegrated into a loveless, lonley existence with a person whom i was incompartible with, never really loved and never loved me either.

      My lover moved on, settled down and got on with her life. I heard she foudn strentgh, courage and conviction and is living a sad but honest life.

      I am traumatised by this loss, and by my mistakes.

      It was the biggest regret of my life, to have lost someone i felt so close too, someone who was my soulmate.

      These decisions will stay with you for life.

      If I had to do it again, i would chose love over everything else, and i wouldn’t hesitate, and i think i would somehow try to find the courage to tell the kids, and live with honesty.

      A life without love is meaningless.

      This has been my biggest mistake losing the love of my life because I was too weak and too scared to see it through.

      I live with this everyday.

      Michael

      • LR

        That’s what happens when women grow up with mothers cheating on their fathers. Women are more likely to cheat on their husbands or boyfriends and men in the same manner often have trust issues with women.

  61. Sussan

    Hi Dr Jordan,

    Please reply to my post, I would love to hear your opinion. You have explained our situation so succinctly that I prepare myself and look forward to your valued reply/advice.
    I am preparing to leave my lover this week, so he can find full time love and so that I no longer hold him back living a fullfiling life. We prepare this together, lovingly so that the usual painful severed abruptness does not hurt both of us. But truth be told I am horrified of losing him. Totally terrified. And I know he feels the same.

    Regards
    Sussan

  62. psj

    I fell in love with a married woman I think she is the most beautiful in the world we talk to each other for a week she also loves me but she wants that we should terminate because of some bad situation may happen but i can’t forget her in any condition I love her more than my wife and he also lovrs me more than her husband

  63. Jess

    I am the other man and I have been the other man for almost 6 years now, it all started when I divorced my 1st wife 13 years ago with someone I had been in love with since I was 17 years old. I’m now 53 and been divorced from my second wife for 3 years, but the irony of it all is ‘ I was the married man in the marriage and couldn’t believe my 1st wife cheated on me. This woman that I adore and loved for 37 years came into my life again on the eve of my 2nd marriage which was doomed from the beginning. She was never the reason I divorced my 2nd wife, but she was there for me when I needed someone to lean on and to pick me up. She has been married for 27 years and I have never ask her to leave her husband, and as I Ive said to her before ‘ it’s not my place to do so, it’s her choice.
    From what I’ve read here all is true the feeling the emotions one might experience being the ‘ other man ..or the married man Ive been both. as I say to her and the ones that know about us ‘ it’s the perfect relationship it’s a commitment without a commitment .. 🙂

  64. Nathan

    Hi,
    So right now I’m pretty scared. I am the other guy, and as others have stated we are completely in love with each other. She is not in love with her husband and her heart is no longer there, but with me. She also has an 8yo son that is her world. She was afraid to leave because of her son and what her potentially destructive husband might do to her or himself.

    Well, last night she was talking on the phone about what to do with a girlfriend, thinking he was asleep. He was not and heard everything. He knows who I am and is furious. I cant contact her to see if she’s ok. I’m worried, because right now i am powerless. She wants to know what to do. Leave or try to repair her marriage.

    I am 35, she’s 33….

  65. Nick

    Hi

    Im the other man in this equation.

    I have been seeing my lover now for our 14th year.

    It has been both an exhilerating experience, and the hardest of my life. At one stage, she left her family for us, however never found the honesty or strength to be honest with them, and as per your article she returned, the rebound.

    Since then we have cotinued to see each other. She did try to get on with her life apart from me, but she returned to me, on a number of occasions.

    She is miserably unhappy at home, doesn’t love her husband or have anything in common with him and is only in the marriage for guilt, childen (who are growing up)and finacial obligations and the fact that she has made so many mistakes with him that she feesl like she cant do this agian. She dreams of leaving, but its just a dream.

    Her entire existence is a fantasy. Her entire life has become a lie. And she is constantly juggling this existence in order to function.

    We are crazy about each other. i dont doubt her love. it is real, and i understand she is trapped. i have tried to convince her to leave, to find honesty, however she constantly says it must come at her pace, when she is ready. This has been going on now for years, the last stretch for 1.5 years (since she moved back home with her husband).

    I too have tried to move on. I know that honesty is the only way, and our relationship started off as an affair, hidden and secretive. In this process i have discovered that honesty is the only way forward, something she taught me but subsequently hasnt been able to successfully achieve herself.

    I love her passionately. I have never felt anything like this in my life. It feels like an addiction, an addiction to the friendhsip, the sex, the company. I question if this is healthy, but I love her company. When we are together we are brilliant. Two best friends. We are inseperable, and when we were living together, life was heaven on Earth, for me anyway. I know she was happy, but there was an underlying sence of the loss of her kids (who were incidnetly adjusting too)

    However I am alone again, and she has left me stranded more times that i can remember. When shes in my life, I wait.

    Now I am alone again, but approaching things differently, slowly. Spending times with children, health and fitness.

    I fear a life alone.

    I left my family for this person. It was not a good marraige, but i told my ex wife about my affair, against my Dr’s advice. I did this for us.

    I attempted honesty to pave the way for us to be together, and when she thought she was losing her children, and the guilt she felt towards her husband (despite him moving on himself quite capably, seeing and dating other women within a short operiod of time)she ran away.

    Its a cycle, one that has been going on for years.

    I feel like i am at a cross roads. My life on hold for her, out of love, desperation, fear and many other reasons.

    The two of us have had out issues as children, in our families, she grew up with a weak father and a damanged mother, accordingly she had a poor father role model, and a mother who was abused as a child. She chose a domineering husband, someone who seems to be a replacement for her father, who controls what she wears, where she goes, her friends etc.

    After she left her husband, he went on to tell his family and the community. They are from a traditional culture, and migrated to this country. She has been ostracised by the comunity. She has no friends, they never see people, although he continues on his own and buryies himsefl in his own hobbies.

    She is lonley, desperately unhappy and miserable. I have become her cocain addiction, her moment of passion, of love in a dreary and empty life.

    We both need each other, but this is no way to live.

    I have seen numerous Dr’s, phycologiest, and have been on medication for depression.

    I myself am an overly sensitive person. easily damaged.

    I had little experince with women before i met this girl, my sexual experinces were uneventfull, and i thought that life was ok, that, this was it!!!

    Until I met her. She chnaged everything, like a bomb blast, sexually, enmotionally.

    She has been the single most transformative person in my life, she has pushed me towards the person i always wanted to be. In many ways, and i say this without a moment of hesitation. She has almost defined my life over the last 14 years.

    I love her, however i am caught in this terrible painful cycle now.

    I have read all your articles. they reflect our lives to a tee.

    I am writing this now to find a way forward. Perhaps you can offer her some advice?

    i have suggested she see a Dr, but again, he controls the outcome of her life, and she lives by a timer.

    I also belive that he knows about the contiuing of our affair, but choese to do nothing about it.

    He pushes her, almost to the brink of her sanity, they fight horribly (she tells me) then he collapses, begging her to stay, making reference to material assets that they have, suggesting they have the house, the boat and the car to live with, that things are ok. That they will get by.

    It appears that he can push her so far, then retreats, knowing if he disciovers the truth his own life will unravel.

    She gets close to screaming, but in the end, never can.

    I love her, and she loves me, we are both terribly trapped.

    Please, any advice would help.

    Regards

  66. Jim

    I am married and have been seeing a married coworker for the last 10 months. I have a great wife at home and daughter. Started off as a one night stand, but she has turned it into more because she is unhappy with her husband. I have become addicted to her fun personality. We have tried to break it off, but we both come back.

  67. BC

    Why am I not surprised so many replies to this are guys being “the other man”? It really is the other man who is typically hurt most in this like the original article states.

    I, too, am “the other man” in this situation and my situation has torn apart my insides. I have fallen so in love with a married woman. In my situation, she was the aggressor. Not me. We met as just friends, but she pushed for more. I mean, I always liked her and something about her got me feeling all tingly inside, but I didn’t let myself get emotionally attached until she kept pushing and pushing.

    Then eventually she withered away my defenses, and things got intimate. I knew beforehand this would probably lead to me getting hurt, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t just my raging hormones, it was the chemistry we had. That is what was drawing me to her. When I’m around her I feel the need “to protect and care for her” which is what I think love is really about. She really is the perfect one for me, we have so much in common, and we make each other laugh so much. In my opinion, the sign of a healthy relationship. You always make each other smile. Love each other’s sense of humor.

    She told me she loved me and if she was single again she’d marry me. One day she tells me I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, and then a few days later she tells me she isn’t going to leave her husband. Then back and forth, back and forth. Every time I finally move on mentally, she draws me back in. Telling me she needs me, wants me, and loves me. I guess it’s my own fault for letting myself get sucked back in, but I can’t help it. It’s a long story as to how we met, but it’s one of those storybook fate type meetings. Makes a part of me think there is something bigger at work here. Maybe that’s just my own delusions forcing me to think that to keep the hope alive.

    However, everything changed when after several months of seeing each other, she revealed something very shocking to me. That her husband physically abuses her. That sent a shock through my system like you wouldn’t believe. I told her that she should be telling the police this, not me. But she doesn’t want to. I don’t know if she’s scared and wants me to “save her” from this man and the reason she isn’t leaving him is out of fear or not. I’ve known people who have stayed in abusive relationships for decades. She’s only been in this one for 5 years.

    I really don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like she’s very close to leaving her husband for me, and then a week later all the emotional ground we gained is lost. I want to protect her from this man. I want to give her the love she deserves. She is my soulmate. But she has to take that step and leave him or report the abuse. I can’t force her, because she’s the one whose life will change as a result of this. Meanwhile, I am just being ripped back and forth emotionally, and my insides just can’t take it anymore.

    I’m also worried if he finds out about us, he will really hurt her, because he sounds like a crazy jealous man, but if I just totally disappear on her, he may very well really hurt her anyway, and I wouldn’t be there to protect her if that happened. She’d have no one to turn to.

    Tears are such a powerful thing. The last time was a month ago, she “broke it off” with me and said no more. I can no longer destroy my marriage. She said she loved me, but the guilt was eating her up, and she wanted to end one side of it, and chose to end my side. I was crushed, but eventually got over it. Then a couple weeks later, she calls me crying and emotional. Telling me she doesn’t know why she even married him, and if I’m not gonna be there for her, she has no one and she needs me. Every time it breaks my heart, and being the caring type, I want to be there for her. I love her. I can’t keep going on like this, though.

    I don’t know what to do.

    • LR

      Society glorifies guys as homewreckers, or woman-stealers. The reason why this married woman’s husband beats her up is because she’s cheating on him with you. Everytime a woman cheats, she ends up a victim of domestic violence.

  68. Z

    Hello Dr. T Jordan,

    I read your “I love a married woman” article and I am kind of in the same situation. I need your help if possible, as I really don’t know what to do and how to deal with the pain.

    I am 23 years old and went through a divorce of myself about a year ago because it was an arranged marriage. I went to see this woman, who was a good family friend of ours. She is 44 years old and me and my family have known her for quite a while.. She’s like family basically, knew her since I was a kid.

    I sought her help and she gave me support and advice at the time of divorce. She was there for me when nobody else was. Ever since then we’ve been talking to each other and we’ve gotten so close that eventually we started having feelings for each other. She’s been married for 23 years, and her marriage has always been a mess full of problems. She has kids almost the same age as me.

    I slept with her twice, and eventually, we got so attached to each other, so in love with each other, that it’s so hard to let go now.. Last week, she got pregnant again by her husband. And she now has to deal with pregnancy and deal with having another one of her husband’s baby. She said she never planned this, as her husband forces her to have sex with her.

    I am in a terrible situation.. I am torn and hurt because it kills me knowing that the woman I love is gonna be having another man’s baby.. I told her I cannot bare this fact, and that this relationship cannot go on because it is too painful for me.

    She begged me, she was crying on the phone asking me to be there for her during this time. She said she has no one, her sisters and brothers don’t care and so doesn’t her husband and kids as they’ve been brainwashed against their mother by their dad.

    I don’t know what to do Dr. Jordan.. I am hurt, I cry and it is too painful to let her go.. But at the same time, it’s equally as painful because I cannot be reminded of her having another one of her husband’s babies..

    What shall I do, please help..

    Regards,
    Z

  69. raja

    Hi I am married man and loving a married woman who is a wife of my child hood friend we love each other but i want to know she love me truly are not bcoz she always tell me that i cheated my husband and my friend my wife his her friend who shares their feeling together so she always cries when i proposed her she accepted my love and we had sex too but aftr some time i started saying i wanna marry you bcozher husband cousin who came to visit them he was having a doubt on our relationship and before me they linked and talk about him with her but she told me all this things to me one day saying that i wanna say something too you before we go so far tere was one boy in my husband family he use to come home daily after i was newly married and my husband was out of country and my mother n law was with me one day my husband whole family was chanting late night after i feel sleepy i went to sleep in my room but the boy was already in my room he was sleeping aside in my bed i slept one side on the bed but later on they make big issue about this saying she was sleeping with some one else other then her husband. And my father left my mom when we were so small and my mom raised us very difficulty and we were so poor on that day and my got friendship with one of his colleagues they liked each other but they didnt marry bcoz of us. Now i m telling you all this things to you bcoz you will get to know with someone else. And i want to know she truly loves me are cheating on me plzzzz reply me soon

  70. raja

    Hi I am married man and loving a married woman who is a wife of my child hood friend we love each other but i want to know she love me truly are not bcoz she always tell me that i cheated my husband and my friend my wife his her friend who shares their feeling together so she always cries when i proposed her she accepted my love and we had sex too but aftr some time i started saying i wanna marry you bcoz her husband cousin who came to visit them he was having a doubt on our relationship and before me they linked and talk about him with her but she told me all this things to me one day saying that i wanna say something too you before we go so far there was one boy in my husband family he use to come home daily after i was newly married and my husband was out of country and my mother n law was with me one day my husband whole family was sitting and chanting late night after i feel sleepy i went to sleep in my room but the boy was already in my room he was sleeping aside in my bed i slept one side on the bed but later on they make big issue about this saying she was sleeping with some one else other then her husband. And my father left my mom when we were so small and my mom raised us very difficulty and we were so poor on those days and my mom got friendship with one of his colleagues they liked each other but they didnt marry bcoz of us. Now i m telling you all this things to you bcoz you will get to know with someone else. And i want to know she truly loves me are cheating on me plzzzz reply me soon. And she tell me all secrets to me but this is true are not i dont know even some time she tells me we will be separate we will be together for ever like this not to marry and hurt my husband and your wife. i cant live without you she cries i wanna know she truly loves me are she is playing with every one

  71. Dot

    I fell in love with my coworkerr. We both are married and neither are planning on leaving our spouses. I love him more and rather have sex with him more so than my husband. The relationship began by us both sharing problems that we were experiencing with our spouses. We would text and talk on the phone every day all daywhen we were away from work or apart from each other. His wife saw a text he had sent me and my response to his text. She gave him a hard time about it so he had to back up from me for about two months. Things are getting back to the way it use to be with us with the the exception of talking and texting
    however I went thru a depression during the time he stayed away from me. I am so happy to be back with him. I think I care for this man a little too much. I even had sex with him a few times at my home while my husband was at work. I need help because it hurt to even think of him my being bothered with me and I’m not sure how much he cares for me. Please help me! !!!

  72. Bill

    Hello Dr Jordan,

    Your article is very interesting. I was the other man in a triangle and only very recently it all came crashing down. I loved this woman with all my heart. I never did try and convince her to leave her husband but I did secretly hope she would.
    Her husband found out about us and they are attempting to fix their marital problems. I am absolutely heart broken. I hope she can be as happy as she can be but I am grieving the loss of my friend, confidante and lover. I miss her so much.
    Thank you Dr Jordan.

  73. Jack

    Hello Dr Jordan.

    Thank you for this column, I see all us guys are in the same situation with slightly different scenarios. Im one of those guys too. I love the other mans Wife with all my heart and am desperate to be with her. we share intimate times together and we have so much fun together too. I am highly jealous of her husband and she of my wife. she is unable to get out of her marriage due to she being the breadwinner and dont want to lose her kids. Reality bites, and i dont want it to end… but yet every rational path we choose ends up hurting someone.
    So for now my life seems to be on hold as I try and split myself in 2.

    thank you

  74. Jibrail

    I am also one of the people who fall in love with a married woman, i fell in love with the person because she accepted me for who i am…she was the only person who saw the best and worse of me.. but know, i don’t know what to do, coz she wants to fix her married life….i want to let her go, but i can’t or may be i don’t want to….i know i’m the only one who can answer my question on what i need to do, however, hearing other ideas may help me strengthen my resolve…

    • louis

      Let her go man! It will hurt for a time,but you have to get on with your life. The best way to forget is to find someone else.

  75. thomas

    my situation is that i’m the “other guy” but we are not cheating/having sex. we genuinely just like each other a lot and neither of us want her to cheat.

    do you feel like this changes the dynamic at all?

  76. Christabel

    Can I just chip in a few things? Okay, here I go! I’m not the other man or the other woman or a married person either. I’m just an 18 year old girl, curious about certain things. First things first, stolen water tastes sweetest! What the “others” are feeling is not love! It’s deep infatuation and obsession. A live show of vivid imaginations and indescribable fantasies. An escape from reality. It’s exciting, hell, why won’t it be? The thrill, the euphoria, exhalation. It’s exactly like a drug. Just not in liquid or tablet form. Like we all know, any thing addictive is bad! These stories are very cliche and they have very disastrous cliche endings too. Did you guys notice that 99% had issues with their marriage? The “others” are simply just temporary solution. It’s like having PTSD and becoming an alcoholic to take those horrible flashbacks away.we all know that the BS way to go. Even if their marriages end and you happen to be with these women, do you think your relationship would be better, there won’t be any single trust! You guys can pretend like there is but pssssssshhh, we know there’s none! Remember there are hotter and younger versions of you everyday! Who is to say she won’t repeat the cycle when you guys get together.Most of these married women and men lie! A woman who is being abused and truly has an authoritative and domineering husband WOULD HAVE NO TIME FOR AN AFFAIR. SHE KNOWS THAT WOULD BE HER DEATH SENTENCE! She would be more focused on her escape route and how to get her life back together so she starts functioning normally. Trust me, an affair would be oNe millionth on her list. So you men should stop buying BS! I judge no one as only God wields the power of judgement and I’m not better than the married women having affairs or the other men that enable them. But I write this for you all to think deeply about what you are doing. In life, for whatever we do, we pay the price and they are some things that are not worth the price to be paid.It hard but I know and life is not black and white, yep! There are fifty shades of grey but try putting yourselves in the husbands shoes and even the poor kids. Then you might understand that although there are fifty shades of grey, some shades are darker than others! STOP SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLES WIVES!!!!!!!!!!The thrill never lasts and its instantly followed by guilt, depression, anger, loss of function, shame etc, see! just like drug abuse and it and its effects.

  77. haf

    Very informative, mind-blowing and an eye-opener blog keep it up.

  78. louis

    Thanks doctor for a great site. I have a problem that you and your readers probably have not run across.We have been married for 15 good yrs.Im 24yrs older then my wife with some health issues,one that i have not been able to perform sexually. My wife is beautiful, very sexy and sensual.I feel a health sex life is very important. With that said i decided with my wifes approval to find her a boy friend.I did not go into to this blind at least I thought at the time(I WISH I HAD FOUND THIS SITE BEFORE I STARTED THIS)We went to a top rated dating site.Payed and completed all the important profile and pictures. It wasnt long before we found that “special guy” He was and is special for her,every thing she wanted.Our 1st meeting between us was very good,i put everything on the table what we were looking for.I wanted a b/f for my wife who for example would take her to dinner and maybe a movie or concert,even a walk on the beach and even spending the night topping it off with love making.After all is done send her home to her husband. This was a mere 3 weeks ago. The chemistry was and is unbelievable between these two. I envisioned maybe once a week because of distants and family issues. This has developed into 3 and 4 times a week!! Two weeks age she spent more time with “the other” then her husband. He is shower her with top venues and even has taken her to meet his parents. He has asure me that he is not here to take her away from me. He has gone out of way to being polite to me even comment how noble of me to do this. Again, this has been just 3weeks in the making. And i have noticed a change in her You are not married for 15yrs without knowing the person.This pass week we sat down for a discussion and asked for honesty.When i told her of my displeasure she admitted she was “falling for him” but only as a friend and that she loved me always. This past week he has booked for her birthday a week and 1/2 vacation from SO CA to the Bay area and stops in between in top hotels.Yesterday we had a heated talk and i demanded she call her b/f and cut it off forever,she stalled and went to bed.This morning she went to work without saying anything and not giving me the usual kiss good bye.My question Sir can this married be saved? Am i over reacting? Thanks for you help

  79. Hanee Hamburg

    Hello,

    I am the married wife in this scenario. I am actually married since 2 years now, During these 2 years I learnt that my husband cheated on me quite a lot of time. I gave him a many chances to mend things, but he never changed till now. But then, a few months back, I met the ‘other man’ who gave me abundant love, who shared the same views as me. He supported me a lot and helped me get through. But then we became even closer and fell deeply in love with each other. We were like soulmate, because in these few months, he learnt to know me completely. He knew when I was not fine, when I was happy and many other things as well.
    We not only had great sex, and we also shared a lot of magical moments together. He would always send me long caring and romantic chats, unlike my husband, and would come to meet me after work whenever i would ask him to. We also shared same likes, for example we both love animals a lot, and also decided to be volunteer to help those poor beings.
    Then, we started to get really attached to each other and he would often ask me to marry him, and would want me for him only. I really love him a lot, and wanna be with him as well. But I am afraid that this relationship doesn’t work because he is very possessive and jealous. And he cannot see me talking to my male friends or even going out with my friends at night.
    I completely stopped getting intimate with my husband because of the love i have for him.
    And, then I couldn’t keep all these from my husband, I had to tell him the whole truth, about the things i knew on him, about my ‘other man’ and everything.
    He really regrets everything he did and want to mend things between us.
    I feel confused.I don’t know what to do. I have never used him, I genuinely loved him, and still do. I still feel he is my soulmate and I don’t wanna hurt him.
    But, I don’t wanna hurt my husband as well because he really wanna change and I still have feelings for him. All the three of us are really stressed out.
    I’m in a phase where I wanna give up on life. Please advise. Thank you.

    • louis

      Read the letter just above yours (Louis) I just filed for divorce.I dont need to share my wifes emotions with another man.There are just to many GOOD women in this world.

  80. Moral Guy

    God forbid we exercise self-control. God forbid we deny ourselves anything that we want and that we don’t act on every whim, desire, and impulse. God forbid we have any sort of moral compass and give a damn about right and wrong. We certainly wouldn’t want to not follow our desires just because something is wrong (and we always know when we’re doing wrong – that playing dumb act is nothing more than just that: an act).

    Well, I suppose that “The heart wants what the heart wants”, to quote a guy who began a relationship with his wife’s adopted daughter. We can’t be expected to not act on our base instincts and lusts (typically couched in disingenuous terms like “love”, or emotional “connection”); No, no – let’s not deny ourselves anything or think about how our behaviors affect others. It is the “Me” generation after all. It’s all about the individual. We can’t be expected to control ourselves in such a culture, right? That’s why our society and our world is doing so great.

    Recently, my wife was being pursued by a male co-worker of hers. I think I found out about it before it became outright infidelity, but I believe that they were having an “emotional affair”. She certainly didn’t seem to be discouraging the guy. When I found out about it she first became defensive, but later on seemed embarrassed although not apologetic. My wife doesn’t apologize, even when she knows that she’s wrong. I let her AND this guy know what was going to happen next if all communication did not immediately cease between them.

    A man who pursues a relationship (emotional or sexual) with a married woman is solely responsible for anything that happens to him. To make an analogy, everyone knows that it is wrong to drink and drive. No one doesn’t know this. Not only is drinking under the influence illegal, it is morally wrong because you not only put yourself at risk but you could potentially harm or kill others. So if you get drunk and drive into a tree and die, it’s not the fault of the tree, correct? Correct. I think we can all agree on that point. Well, I’m the tree.

    • Scott

      Something tells me “the tree” isn’t exactly infallible… most women with husbands that nurture them, romance them, and encourage them don’t tend to look for another man.

  81. aroop sarkar

    i fall in love with a married woman. after i broke with a possesive girlfriend who trying to control myblife and dramatic too much. but when i talked to this married woman we both realise that we have many similarities and we r best for each other and we sarted loving each other . we respect each other feelings whatever it is and we bith want to be together but her husband is nice as she said and she also started koving me but i told her that i will not come or ruin her marriage life but if we get the chance to be together forever i will take the step .but is it right to go further with her in relation. we dnt meet yet but we have a telephonic conversation and shes the type of girl i want in my life .

  82. Troubled

    First of all, I want to thank you for posting this crucial blog. I have been talking to this common law married woman for 5 years now. When I first met her she told me she was going through a divorce and we stayed friends for awhile because I wanted to respect her space. She met my family my daughter I had met her kids but not her family. Years later after falling in love she confessed that she was still with him and that they were living together. I respected her for finally telling the truth even talked to the guy out of anger n told him everything and how she stated she was not with him n he didn’t do shit for her and found out he did everything. I then cut her off and weeks later she came to my house begging me to talk to her and that she needed me n she couldn’t leave just yet because she doesn’t want to leave the kids and everything is his and she doesn’t have much money. I am 5 years younger than her. She tried to leave him and I told her she couldn’t stay with me that if she truly loved me and didn’t want to be with him that she should go stay with her father. She did for a week but then secretly moved back in with him and lied yet again to not lose me supposedly. I again found out n cut her off. Recently she came over to talk n ended up staying4 days saying she is madly in love and wants us to have a life but want s me to get a bigger place so she doesn’t leave her kids. I’m in love with this woman and know she wants me I’m just younger and not in a financial position to handle all this. I know this is unhealthy yet I can’t seem to let go because she is very persistent and shows she loves me.. she has been very honest about everything yet I don’t understand why if she’s so unhappy why can’t she leave him n stay with family so I can see it’s real. Yet at the same time I know she just wants to make sure she is financially stable for her kids. Please advise. She wants to get a place next month. And I’m not sure if this is a good idea.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thanks for posting your heartfelt comment. Our ability to fall in love, believe it or not, is the easy part. The harder part is what kind of “relationship” we can offer the person we fall in love with. The woman you are in love with has unresolved issues to contend with regarding her “common law commitment.”. The back and forth, ambivalence, and impulsivity is accounted for by those issues. I am assuming that her “issues” are further complicated by her worry regarding her children. It is very painful to be in love with someone who has unresolved issues in a commitment. In fact, the biggest problem with a “triangle” is that it exists because of an unresolved relationship/commitment problem. The only thing you can do now is take good care of yourself. The best way to do that is to only take action in the relationship if and when she has truly separated from her commitment. Moving out and staying out, for example would be a good start. The first order of business in getting out of a triangle is (as the third person in that triangle) to stop making yourself available until she has made the choice to stay in her commitment or leave it and stabilize herself separately (with or without the kids). While she is showing you ambivalence regarding her commitment it is best that you stay away, for her sake and most especially your own. Triangles are too painful to stay in long-term. You’ll risk your emotional and even physical health if you do. Hope this helps. Take care. Dr. J.

  83. Randy

    Dr Jordan,

    Thank you so much for initiating this discussion. I have been seeking some help because I, like so many others have shared, fell in love with a married woman. I could get into specifics about it all; I, like many of you, felt I found my soul mate, we completely understood one another, it was meant to be, etc… To bring it all up to speed, I was in a relationship with a woman in an open marriage. It began a purely sexual matter but obviously went way beyond that scope. Her and I fell completely in love but at the same time I always respected her marriage. What her and I decided was to form a polyamorous relationship – one where she was permitted to love two men equally and they both love her. It was a goal that we were both 100% committed to. We wanted a “triad” more then a triangle.

    In the end her husband, who had no qualms about other men having sexual relations with his wife, grew very fearful of our relationship and pulled the plug. What has transpired was a shared devastation between her and I, and for lack of a better term complete avoidance of one another. Not that I nor her wanted this – it was just an unwritten rule to, as painful as it would be, to cut each other out immediately. Like a light switch flick off, she was gone.

    That was over 2 months ago. And that time has been complete agony. The emotional toll this has taken on me has left me sick. It is effecting my so severely mentally and physically that I feel I can no longer function at times. I lost someone that grew to be extremely important to, one of my closest friends. We never even said goodbye.

    Dr. Jordan, I could go on and on about how this woman made me feel and the glorious feeling of love between us. But I know it is gone. I have gone through other breakups before but this one feels so much different. The other ones were easy to mask with anger and really reactionary behaviour. But this – it’s a totally different ballgame. The very few comments that I heard from her was extreme guilt on her end. But I feel so lost. So hurt. So much pain. I feel abandoned. I feel useless. How does one cope with such a loss Dr. Jordan?

    If you could , please let me know about any workshops or therapy. I am so desperate at this point I feel I can no longer live my life as it was before. I don’t want to be here anymore.

    Thank you,

    Randy

    • Scott

      Hey Randy,

      Hang in there my friend. I’m certainly no expert but I can relate to some of what you are feeling.

      It sounds like you really need some counseling to get back on track. I also think you have to get yourself circulating in life again. Do things that build yourself up emotionally and physically. You are human my friend. It is OK to feel bad. It is OK to feel what you feel. You can get yourself back in order with the right help. Good luck to you.

  84. Troubled

    Thank you so much Dr. Since I wrote this. She came over yesterday out of no where. Lied to her family said she was at work until 9pm and came knocking at my door early in the morning waking me up… After she left last night I was telling her I can’t be involved in this triangle anymore and that she needs go make a decision so I can move on. She’s pretty good at turning the tables and playing mind games. What is the best way for me to end this unhealthy relationship. Honestly I don’t know why I’m in love with a person who lies so much and has nothing to offer me. She is very persistent and won’t leave me alone. She keeps telling me that she chooses me with all her heart and I told her about this blog and recommend her to see counseling to get advice but she refused and stated our situation is different because we’ve been talking for 5 years now. I don’t have a counselor nor can I get one at this time. Your advice and words are most appreciated. I just want to make the right decision for my life. I have a 7yr old daughter myself part time and I’m still in my late 20s she’s in her mid 30s. If I need to end this how should I go about doing this afternoon all its been a 5 year relationship. Thank you so much.

  85. Troubled

    She trust to tell me shes going tovkill herself if I end it.. need to know the best way to walk away from this mess

    • Dr. Jordan

      Hello Troubled, Given the gravity of your situation, I recommend you get professional help in your area without delay. I suggest you find a psychologist or clinical social worker to meet with while you are figuring out what to do about this relationship. Good luck. Dr.J.

  86. Depressed and Worried

    Dr Jordan,

    Thank you for your insightful writing on this subject.

    I am the Married woman in a triangle and Im becoming increasingly worried and confused about the situation I find us all in.

    I met my Husband 15 years and we married two years ago. He has always had anger issues but I thought he had a good heart and knew that he genuinely loved me. The anger would come and go depending on the level of stress going on at the time and thinking things were not too bad I stuck by him through the bad times.

    Around 10 months ago a new and also married employee joined our work place and about 7 months ago after working closely on a project we fell in love with each other. At first we just spent time together, and communicated constantly but this developed into a physical as well as emotional relationship. We both stated to each other we were happy in our marriages at the time but clearly this was not true as we later found out. We have an amazing connection, feel like soulmates that perhaps met at the wrong time in each of our lives. We resolved to look after each other and to help each other. We made each other so happy despite the tremendous guilt i felt about the situation and how bad I felt about myself for being this person that could fall in love with someone else. Prior to this starting my husband had again moved into an angry phase, we argued a lot, well he yelled and carried on at me and I just put up with it, he had fits of rage and I began to realise I was constantly walking on eggshells and began to see that I was in an abusive relationship.

    My husband found out about my relationship with this other man by reading some texts on my phone and began questioning me over and over. I broke down and told him that Yes, unfortunately I had fallen out of love with him and had feelings for my colleague.

    The verbal and emotional abuse got worse despite repeated promises from my husband that he would change and once again be the man I originally fell in love with.

    The relationship with the “other man” stopped being physical and we agreed to continue to be best friends for each other. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted to end our existing marriages. His wife however was unable to relocate and they were living apart during the week and visiting each other on weekends. At one stage he was going to leave his job to be with her and though I told him to do what made him happy, we were both terrified of not having the other in our lives and he chose to stay near me and continue his current job.

    He has now seperated from his wife and I have tried my best to be supportive and caring of him during this but at no stage did I say I would leave my marriage to be with him. I did however rely oh him to support me through the abuse I was suffering and the feelings of wanting to self harm I was experiencing.

    My relationship with the other man has shown me what I had been blind to in my own marriage and made me realise just how badly I was being treated. Of course, there was now a new reason for my husband to get angry- my infidelity. My husband and I talked at great length about why this had happened and I explained that I felt shutting off all contact with the other man would be detrimental to my already unstable mental health, cause resentment between us and that i just wanted to fall back in love with my husband and for him to be the man I loved. I wanted to fall out of love with the other man and be the friends to each other we had originally set out to be.

    All 3 parties seemed okay with this even though we all knew that is was going to be painful and difficult at times.

    Since then, I have self harmed twice, both in response to some very poor treatment from my husband and now, my husband has physically harmed me during another drunken fit of rage.

    My now “friend” is deeply upset and angry at the way I am being treated and seems to have even stronger feelings of love for me rather than less.

    I feel trapped and confused, my husband is trying to be a better person but im unsure if it is possible yet and my friend is suffering very badly from his feelings for me. I love my friend dearly and Im still in love with him in many ways but for me at least I can see a future where we can continue to be the most special of friends for each other.

    My friend is saying now that “ive made my choice” to pick an abusive husband over him and that we should cease all contact. Im terrified of this happening.

    My self esteem is critically low and my friend, my other man, was the only thing holding me together, the only person in my life I felt I could turn to and my only source of happiness when my husbands mood went bad and my own mood thus turned dark and suicidal. This is of course extremely unfair on him and I dont want to see him hurt or unable to move on with his life now that his own divorce seems inevitable. On the other hand I cannot picture my life without him in it. I feel selfish for this and bad about myself at a time when I need every ounce of self respect I can muster to put in place the boundaries of behaviour I will not accept from my husband if we are to remain married.

    My husband has threatened violence towards my other man, whom I am trying to build a proper friendship with, but has now ceased these threats and appears to be making progress in accepting my other man as my best friend. my other man has now told me has been contacting old friends to have my husband killed as he cannot bear to see me hurt and diminished by my husband, despite my saying that my husband is just a very troubled person who is taking steps such as pyschotherapy, stopped his drug abuse and is attempting to be the man he should be.

    The injury I received is very visual and disabling which serves as a constant reminder to my other man of what has transpired and I understand upsets him so much that he now gets angry with me too.

    It actually feels like the two men in my life spend more time thinking about each other than they do me but thats probably just how it feels to me and not how it is.

    I think about both of them constantly, always looking for ways I can help both of them be better and happier.

    I am under immense pressure financially and at work which adds to the feelings of helplessness I have though both men in my life tell me im the one in control. How can I be the one in control when one man threatens to cut off all contact with me any minute and the other man is prone to exploding in anger any minute?

    I want my husband to be a good husband and my other man to not be in love with me anymore and to be able to be happy as just my friend as he has said before he felt capable of doing but is not able to now, understandably, as he is also dealing with his own pain and grief for his broken marriage.

    While I do not want to die, sometimes the sheer weight of all my problems makes me fall suddenly into such despair I lose all self control and worry I will end up doing something stupid. Im bi-polar and can sometimes enter a mixed state where im both manic yet unhappy and in one of these episodes I have attempted suicide before. The loss of either of these men whom I love very much feels like a final tipping point that I cannot handle yet I cannot expect them both to put up with me and this situation forever either.

    Im at a loss and until I read your blog today felt like our situation could never be understood.

    I made the decision to allow my marriage to be fixed, but find that its not something I can fix, my husband has to change himself for that to happen. I have attempted to let the “lover” go but tried to keep the “friend” if he is willing to stay as a friend as I felt that without him as a friend Im likely to let my husband return to his old ways and not implement the change he needs to for us to be a happy couple again. This might be too much to expect from both of them.

    Im not sure what to do and I continue to beat myself up for not being strong enough to let my friend go from my life completely.

    • Scott

      My dear… you are being abused by your husband. I don’t know every detail in your life but there is absolutely no reason for you to remain with a man that would treat you this way. I pray for you and wish you the best.

  87. Depressed and Worried

    In addition to the above, I want to add that the decision for the other man and I to be friends was a mutual decision made a few months ago. It seemed to be working at first but now the other man tells me it is not working and my husband, until he finally hurt me, had used it as a reason to continue his anger towards me on quite a number of occasions now.

    For me it made it harder to protect myself from his mood swings as I felt I deserved them, seeing as I was asking him to allow me to continue my friendship. When he physically hurt me I realised I did not deserve it at all. Especially given how hard I have tried to support my husband through this difficult time.

    Now my friend gets angry with me instead and the way he says to me that he will cut all ties with me seems like a threat to me. His attitude towards me is sometimes unpleasant, he becomes cold and distant and I actually feel a little bullied. I have been assuming that is just me feeling conditioned to expect that behaviour from others.

  88. Neeyaz

    I wish I read this post earlier, I just told her how I feel – I dropped the “L” bomb. But the difference which I don’t know why is there, is that I’m even helping her in her marriage issues, and I’ve never wanted to replace her husband, I just love her, because of her, I’m not looking for anything in return, even though it feels amazing when I can see her emotions for me. It’s really complicated situation, and the problem is I don’t know even what should I expect from this relationship, should we even expect anything? Can’t 2 people just like/love eache other for the sake of it?

  89. R

    Read couple of the experiences people have had in they life with the other man’ wife and I admit am one of them.

    I have met this wonderful lady that am still seeing, I am reaching out here is just bcoz I have no one to open up to and say how am feeling and what is happening. I have been married and now separated. I met this lady 4 years ago, she is married has a kid and she is a working professional. It started of well she loved me a lot spent a lot of time used to meet me late nights to experience the love we had, during those times she was actively intimate with her hub how ever as time passed she started moving away from him spending night alone in a room talking to me whole night, telling me how she loved me and how intimacy with me was what she enjoyed was better than what she enjoyed with her husband, I was so involved in her that i never cared of my job all i needed was her all the time, she did give me importance but not at the cost of her family and office, for her the family and office were prime, we have never had made love yet as she feels she isnt ready due to her guilt and fear and she promised me she would make love with her hub to , we did try several times to do it but somehow it didnt happen due to her fear and that used to drive me mad and we use to end up in fights, off lately she has been allowing the husband to share the same room as there isnt any option, and has ended up making love to him, when i asked her how could she do that, she tells me how long could I hold him back from not doing it, my point to her was if you can make love to him and not feel guilty why are you feeling guilty to do the same with me, you say you love me but your not ready, you say you don’t like doing it with him coz you love me but ended up doing it. I told her how it has broken me and how shattered I am after knowing this and she feels bad about what has happened and how she has hurt me but at the same time tells me she has not done anything wrong in allowing this to happen. I am totally lost and don’t know if she loves me and had to do this with her hub coz she is married she also tells me she never hated him. and tells me she loves me.. she stopped him all these years coz of me but now she couldn’t

    All I want to know,, is she fooling me, does she love me, is she ending up doing this coz she is married and has not other go, Should i believe what she is saying, I told her if you dont love me tell me to leave and i will she says she can’t say that to me.. All i am not understanding is when she can understand what she is deprived her hub for all these years why isnt she understanding what she is depriving me of, or she knows it but is scared to do it with me…. I dont know i cant read her.. Dr J need you inputs on this please

    • R

      R… Let me tell you if you have not already you should RUN not walk away from this woman… as someone that is about 60 days into breaking off a 5 plus year relationship with a married woman that I adored I can tell you that this situation will ruin your life… The sex will be amazing and you will live for those stolen moments together… you and her will be an addiction to one another but let me tell you that this situation WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE… its not love… love is about a real life together where you can share an actual life with someone… and she might leave her husband for you… although that happens only about 3% of the time and when it does 70% of those new relationships fail… My advice is RUN… trust me I have struggled with withdraw depression and even suicidal thoughts over this situation… and prior to this 5 years with MARRIED I was pretty emotionally stable… Look inside yourself and ask yourself why you would want to be with someone that is not emotionally available to you… I have done this alot and found the issues were inside me… I was afraid of finding someone real and having an actual relationship… Trust me my friend this road leads to nowhere good… I still think of her everyday… but more and more I realize that I deserve something real and not to be a guy on the side… RUN!!!

  90. cm

    I’ve read both the article and every single comment posted. First off, I’d like to thank the author, Dr. J, for tackling this very sensitive issue in as constructive and non-accusatory manner as possible. One person commented that societal norms are in large part responsible for all of the strife and guilt that people go through when they discover that indeed they are capable of having feelings for someone other than the person they have committed to. I agree that this is true. On the other hand, there is much to be said for the idea of committing to one person for a greater depth of understanding, connection and fulfillment than might otherwise be had in non committed relationships. And on yet another hand, I believe we all wish to find someone who is “everything” to us (ie – the “perfect” match) but this is so rare a finding as to be almost unheard of. Certainly I do not know anyone in my own life who has managed to find such a match. So this leaves just about everyone with the lesser desired option of “settling”, when it comes to long term commitments such as marriage, for example.
    When this happens, it is only a matter of time before issues – whether minor or major, surface in some way. Dr. J correctly advises that when one finds oneself looking outside of the committed relationship for more, or when one ends up “falling” for someone outside of committed relationship, this must be an indicator of something missing within the relationship, or something that needs to be worked on. Not that people should not try to put their all into a committed relationship – but it seems that regardless of the effort involved in doing so, there will ALWAYS be some sort of personal shortcoming(s) between people who love. Our choices are then to: a) settle – especially if the pros outweigh the cons b) leave the relationship in search of a better match, which likely will not be forthcoming, as so few people fit one’s idea of “perfection” and will therefore only be a matter of time before some issue/problem or another resurfaces in the new relationship, OR c) remain alone and forego relationships entirely, so as to avoid conflict, disappointment, heartbreak, etc.

    Personally I never thought of being in a committed relationship as “settling” until someone pointed it out to me. I denied it at first but then thought about it some more and came to the conclusion that in fact it is true at least 95% of the time or perhaps more. And having said that, I will segue into a very long account of my current personal situation. (Note: do not continue on with reading unless you have nothing else to do for the next twenty minutes or so. This will not be short).

    I am presently married and met my husband while in college. However we did not marry until about fifteen years later, as I was and still am extremely cautious about all things relationship and commitment related, having suffered through the misery of growing up with two parents who were clearly not meant to be together but remained so despite that fact. Further, I wanted to be sure that I did not marry someone who presented himself as one persona but then (as with so many) turned out to be quite another. Time has a way of revealing such a thing and I found that as time went on, I only had more and more respect and admiration for my now husband. He is extremely bright, is a deep thinker, and what’s more has a knack for seeing at least fifty years into the future. He was always the top of his class and is extremely clever and inventive in whatever he sets out to do. He is very financially savvy but rejected the typical Wall Street route in favor of science and technology, as he prefers to devote his time to pursuits that will change the world and humanity for the better. He is handsome. He is respectful, polite, never jealous, never selfish, never picks a fight or is argumentative (with me)…. In short, he is what most would consider “perfect”. So perfect, in fact, that I sometimes very genuinely do wonder if he is indeed a member of the human species and not some sort of alien in disguise. He most certainly challenges me to chisel away at my own imperfections and is a constant example of what it means to be everything that we are typically taught is good in the world.

    What then, could possibly be the problem? Frankly, nothing – most of the time. However, we have so rarely been intimate since married (just over 4 yrs now) that I could count the number of times we have been on perhaps one and a half hands. A couple of those times we had too much to drink – and by “too much”, I mean a glass or two of wine, as my husband is not a drinker (and I rarely drink as well). Like Dr. J, I consider myself to be a “feeling” person. I am expressive and not content with skimming the surface of anything, much less a sexual encounter – which ideally for me would be just about as deep as any two people could get on all levels – spiritually, emotionally, and yes physically, though to me the physical component is ideally a byproduct of the former two. Because my husband and I have many other things going on in our lives, there is usually not very much time to think or dwell on this aspect of the relationship. Also, I do not enjoy “sex for the sake of sex” so that makes it easier for me to place it on a shelf, metaphorically speaking. There has to be a compelling bond in the other aforementioned areas otherwise it is completely empty for me and I simply cannot engage. (Or if I try to, it becomes awkward extremely quickly). Nonetheless, we’ve managed to remain happy for the most part and though I’ve brought up this shortcoming on more than a few occasions, my husband’s response is that true and total intimacy between us will come in its “proper time”. As strange and mysterious as it sounds, I believe him… most of the time. But at other times, I become quite despondent as there is a buried little part of me that desires to express that aspect of myself in raw, undiluted form. And I fear that between the two of us that there are simply not the necessary ingredients to produce this type of dynamic. As a result, I have found myself over the years thinking of the one person I met in my life with whom I did feel this way. The ironic thing is that this “other” person and I were never intimate in any way. Nonetheless, the first time we locked eyes, we both “knew”. It is a difficult thing to explain but there was just a “knowing”. I kept him at arm’s length as I had perhaps a misplaced sense of obligation (I was not married at the time but there were other complications) but an overwhelming feeling was there and has remained so for all the years since – approximately eight. He did give me a necklace one day, for no particular reason whatsoever, and I’ve kept it all these years as a reminder. We did not end up keeping in touch (due solely to my own fears) and have not spoken in those eight years until just very recently when I heard a song that reminded me of him so thoroughly that I immediately afterward broke down and sent an email to his old address which I still had. Frankly, I wasn’t even sure if it was still a functional email and my intention was only to let him know after all this time how he made me feel and to thank him for the rarity of the experience … and to impress upon him the fact that he really affected me in a lasting way. I thought certainly that this is how far it would go. For the most part it did. To my great surprise though, he responded that he still thinks about me as well and that perhaps he fell in love the day that we met. I couldn’t believe that his feelings had remained for as long as my own. To the contrary, I was fearful in fact that he’d be rather amused at my seemingly adolescent-like email confession. I did tell him right off the first time I wrote that I was married and that I was happily married (which was true but certainly not the whole story). Later on, I did end up telling him the whole story…. Fast forward to the semi-conclusion of all this (it all took place in roughly a week and a half) — Feeling tremendously badly about the whole thing, I ended up telling my husband everything about my feelings for this other person. I also ended up emailing the other person to tell him that we should really not have any sort of further contact because I was not in a position to act on any of my emotions and also that I felt that it would be impossible to operate on a strictly platonic level with him, which would surely get us into trouble sooner or later. He never responded in return so I can only assume that he is either in agreement with me and therefore any response would have been superfluous, or that he is perhaps disgusted with me now and wonders why I even bothered to write to him in the first place. (I guess the answer to why I bothered in the first place would be that I felt so strongly that I might truly regret living out the rest of my life without ever even acknowledging the impact he had on me in this singular way. And I don’t regret telling him this. But I thought it would be one-sided after all the time that had gone by and did not anticipate a) getting a response or b) that the response would mirror my own feelings. ) As for my husband’s response to my revelation – well, he really did not seem to take it all that seriously. He did ask several questions… and he was curious…. but in the end he just sort of laughed it off. And he did it in such a way that gave me the direct impression that he knew something I did not but couldn’t tell me because I had to find out for myself. It was not a mean laugh.. or a “getting even” laugh or anything remotely condescending… but more the good-natured laugh that a grown-up responds to a child with. I even pressed the point repeatedly, to make sure he really understood what was going on in my head. For instance, at one interval during our discussion of the topic I asked, “But how can you expect that our intimacy issues will be resolved when you know now that there is someone out there whom I’ve felt drawn to for years, such as I have never felt drawn to you?” (Blunt, I know. But I had to tell the truth.) His response to this question? It was a total of one word: “Easily”. I have to say that while I was completely bewildered, I was also impressed that he was and continues to be so entirely undaunted by the whole situation. And again, he was not at all mean spirited or derisive in his response. It was delivered with a knowing, and dare I say, indulgent smile. In short, though I’ve brought up my concerns on several occasions, he is always able to come back with either a light hearted response or a small peek into the psychological reasons why things must be as they must be between us for now. But he never truly reveals ALL of the reasons that things are the way they are. And I say this because I strongly suspect that there is more than just one reason and that in fact he knows them all, whereas I am a “few grades behind” so to speak and must learn them myself, albeit at a slower pace.

    I have to say, it is an extremely strange situation to be in. On the one hand, I am married to a person who I truly admire and yes, love. But on the other hand, the romantic feelings are just about non-existent. There is affection yes, but it is somehow lingers between the realm of friends and “more than friends”, while seemingly never progressing beyond. I have really everything one could ever want in a marriage except the kind of deep emotions that allow one to totally surrender to another. Unlike most, I was aware of all this going into the marriage but chose to overlook (some might say “settle”) because my husband is such a remarkable person in all other ways. It seems to me that it is simply impossible to be able to have both the romantic component AND everything else in a relationship. Analytically and theoretically speaking, I could leave my marriage and try to pursue a relationship with this other person …and I know it would work out blissfully well on the level of passion and romantic emotion if we were both available. On the other hand, there is also the very real likelihood that no matter how well we are able to connect on that level, I would forever be comparing him to my husband in all other ways aside from that – as I’ve yet to meet anyone wiser, patient, more compassionate, intelligent, etc. than he is. He is truly an example to live up to. So in a very odd sort of way, I feel that I’ve chosen this more “aesthetic” type of life, for the cause of higher development at the cost of any of those “true love, storybook feelings”.

    I guess my point in relaying all this is to give credence to the fact that these “fidelity” issues are truly more complicated than may seem on the surface. There is no one person that can be an ALL for anyone… yet that is exactly what most people would want, if they are being honest with themselves and if they had the opportunity to truly experience it. How then do some cope with these conflicting realities? They compartmentalize their lives. They have one person with whom they can experience a strong mental affinity perhaps, and another with whom they are able to experience a strong emotional connection … and perhaps a third (or a fourth or who knows how many) with whom they can experience any number of other meaningful connections. And in most cases it is only a matter of time before that way of living all comes screeching to a halt because most cannot sustain such an arrangement without the attendant side effects of guilt, jealousy, competitiveness, resentment, etc. The rare exception being someone like Ted Turner, perhaps. And it’s not easy even for him.

    What then, are our choices? The way I see it, the choices are a) Live the life of deception and fragmentation, knowing that it ultimately doomed to failure b) Live in “loyalty” to one person in a committed relationship. (Though I do have to wonder…. Is loyalty of any value when the heart is not fully present? To what exactly then, is one being loyal to? A commitment alone? And I would think it a lonely sort of possession – to “own” someone whose heart lies elsewhere – or nowhere, despite the technical loyalty….) and finally c) To engage in a polyamorous arrangement with people who will not in the least be perturbed or jealous in the face of the more complicated dynamics inherent in such an arrangement. Of course there is always d) Forego all romance and remain alone. I suppose for my part, I have chosen option B. I try very hard not to dwell on this other person but of course it is not really, fully possible. I have been as honest as I can about the situation with both parties – him and my husband. I have not engaged in actual infidelity in any way but what about “thoughts”? I reject the notion that disloyal thoughts are somehow acceptable as long as one does not act on them – the old “look but don’t touch” bromide. That’s a lot of nonsense as far as I’m concerned. So I’m guilty of thoughts. Is this the best I – and perhaps all others in the same scenario- can truly hope for then? Forever loyal, but also forever guilty on some abstract level? It seems a truly grim fate if so… I can only hope that my husband is somehow able to one day prove otherwise to me. Perhaps that is why I have chosen to remain. I believe if anyone can do it, he can. Let’s hope I am right and that I have chosen wisely.

    – A Pisces Girl

    • RB

      Is your husband as self aware as you are? His short, cryptic response to your confessions makes me at least suspect that your communication, at least concerning emotional topics, is lacking. Some people’s EQ doesn’t match their IQ, but I’m not going to assume that this is the case with your husband.

      Just consider that the romantic, chemically-charged, feelings that you have for your “friend” might fizzle out in a couple of months/years, and then what sort of arrangement would you be left with? This is considering that you pursue anything with him. Unfortunately, passionate love doesn’t seem to last too long in the majority of human relationships.

      Additionally, you briefly mention option C (polyamorous agreements), but don’t seem to explore it fully. After my recent experiences, I am starting to believe that open relationships are the healthiest and most satisfying types possible.

      • cj

        You know, it’s interesting. I understand quite well how you might question my husband’s self awareness, given the circumstances. Despite persistent attempts on my part to dig into some of the issues that I have been facing (inner conflicts regarding romantic love v. intellectual/spiritual connection), he does not fully engage. He acknowledges my fears and concerns – but assures me that I have nothing to worry about. When I inevitably try to find out more about how and why he is so certain, he often diverts the conversation. But it’s not the sort of diversion that is attempting to avoid an uncomfortable topic. It’s the type of diversion that is very watchful of revealing too much to someone who is not “ready” yet. (The someone who is not yet “ready” being me). What I am not ready for yet, or perhaps what I have yet to discover for myself is unknown to me. I believe I have caught glimpses of it, but at this point in time it is not something I can easily express in words. It’s more a vague “sense” that I have about how things are supposed to work. Or my “path”, one might say. So to answer your question, I do think my husband’s EQ is as high as his IQ. BUT – he chooses to withhold some of his more emotional expressions, I believe. Again, I don’t think this is out of spite but more so because he thinks it may take me off course at a time when I am not “set” yet. It’s hard to explain. Though all this may be necessary, I am an extremely emotional and sensitive person by nature, so it is sometimes quite difficult to operate in the sort of platonic way that I do with my husband. It is a marriage of the spirit but as for the rest…. well, I guess time will tell.

        To classify this other person as a “friend” would be a misnomer, as we never had the opportunity to develop much between us on even that level, sadly. Or, I should say that we did have the opportunity but I chose not to go that route despite my desire to. And we no longer even speak now. I think of him more as a nebulous promise of some future passion…. but you are right I suppose. If anything were to come of it there is always the danger that it could fade. I have this fantasy in my mind though, that it IS possible to always feel that level of passion for the one you love – if perhaps ALL other elements are present as well in equal measure (mental affinity, spiritual affinity AND romantic feelings). The convergence of these three between any two people is so rare though. I sometimes wonder if that is because most people themselves are not “whole”. Perhaps such people go looking for “pieces” of what is missing in others…..

        Which brings me to polyamory. If I was not married, perhaps it could be a solution for me. Ironically, as devoid of the physical as our relationship is, I don’t think my husband would be comfortable with a polyamorous arrangement. Or maybe he would. I don’t know. If he consented to it though, I think it would only be for me – because he is just not someone who has that sort of inclination. He is also not terribly hung up on the attraction between the sexes (no he is not gay), but seems to live on some other plane, as compared to mere mortals. Part of me feels that if I can just get through the disciplinary process that it takes to achieve whatever he seems to have achieved, then maybe I won’t even desire physical closeness with someone else and will have moved on to something higher. But now – in the present – I am very often lonely. And I struggle with this….quite a bit. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond and offer your thoughts. It is most appreciated….

  91. Bug

    I was the “other guy”.
    When we started out we were just friends. Before long she was sharing stories about her then relationship. I heard it all about how mean he was, didn’t listen, never showed any affection, and things I just didn’t need to know about. At this point they were only dating but I never understood why she stayed in it.
    Are friendship turned into an emotional friendship
    He proposed to her and two weeks before they got married hit her.. I was upset thinking why is she doing this I know she isn’t happy but it happened they got married.
    Our relationship carried on meeting on days off having lunch and eventually turned into sexual relationship. I was in Love. I had my best friend. Seeing her smile and laugh. I literally saw a girl who was lonely and broken to happy and filled with life.
    Will then I was hit with the news after four years .. Two years we were close friends the other two years we were lovers.. Will she made it cleared to me she wasn’t leaving her husband.
    Now I see her time from time on social media and she talks about how great her marriage is and how in love they are.. But are they really that happy and in love? I feel like she robbed me of everything I gave and showed her what love is and took it back to her relationship with her husband.
    She never said sorry never even at least thanked me for making her a better person.
    So yes I’m the other guy who got his heart broken and lost a lover and someone I thought was my best friend.. Is she really that happy? Was she ever sad? Or did I just get used?

    • cj

      As a woman, I’ll say this much: If she married a man who is physically abusive to her, she cannot possibly be happy. I have seen married couples act as though they are perfectly happy in public, only to treat each other horribly behind closed doors. Most people are very concerned about what others think in our society and so they act one way when under observation and another way whey they are convinced that no one is looking.

      I am sure she must have found happiness with you on some level. I doubt very much that you were being used. What I do think is that this woman is too weak to leave a relationship that is clearly not beneficial to her. It could be because she grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and thus this was imprinted upon her in early years as being “the norm”. Sometimes, no matter how unhealthy something is, a person will make no lasting attempt to free him or herself from it – simply because it is familiar. It is always very frightening for a person to leave what he or she views to be familiar. What is familiar is “safe” (even if it is not safe) and what is unknown is always a risk. So if abusive relationships are “familiar”, she will more easily fall into this pattern and have a more difficult time getting out of it. She may be acting as though the situation is perfectly fine because if she did not act this way, she would have to acknowledge that things are not fine. And then she would be faced with having to do something about it. And movement towards the unknown = scary. Ironically, the best way to show her that it doesn’t have to be scary and that she is capable of and deserving of having a better relationship is for you yourself to avoid succumbing to fear or anger over the way things have turned out. If you are in fact still hoping for a chance to be with her, you’ll have to be the one to teach her to unlearn this fear of the unknown. That means you can show no weakness or fear yourself. You cannot show sadness (sadness=fear on some level), you cannot show resentment or anger (which also equals fear on another level). You must simply be her friend and like her for who you know she is now and also who she can be in the future. No demands, no discernible expectations – just a constant of friendship and support. Hold fast to a vision in your mind of her finding true happiness – even if it is not with you. If you can sustain this for as long as it takes for her to “get it”, chances are that she will realize that you are the one she must be with. Only take these steps if you REALLY love her. Otherwise it will not work and it will certainly not be worth your time. But if you can manage to hold out, she will eventually see you as someone who is strong – strong without putting her down or otherwise stealing her energy. Once she sees you this way it is only a matter of time before she will want to be with you again if she is a person with her heart in the right place who is desirous of some higher development herself, and movement away from old, harmful patterns. Good luck! It takes a real magician to work this type of magic.

  92. RAy

    Hi am the “the other guy” this might be long but i need some closure, sorry.my relationship is complicated because i am only 23 and the “married Woman” is 35. she was my manager at a little Ceasars i use to work in. it all started when i would stay extra hours to cover busy days, as an employee i was always willing work. one night we closed together, as we were leaving we began conversating about employee’s in the store. i gave my thoughts and opinions and so on..the fallowing weeks we would make a routine of this. soon we began opening up to each other and talking more. we started texting and talking on the phone every day and see each other at work all the time. about a month and a half later i left to work in a nursing home so we had to make major adjustments on our time together. she also claimes she loves me but that she wont leave her husband because she see’s how her kids suffer when they argue. i am in lover with her, to the point where we talked about having a child together. The problems that is happening and putting stress on our relationship is this : since she has a very busy schedule with kids,running a store,her husband, and me there is almost no time to talk to her. we see each other once a week but i feel that is not enough.. please your thoughts.

  93. James

    I had been in love with a woman for many years. I was crazy in love with her but at the time our love had started she was dating someone. I am a very shy person. So we meet as friends going out here and there nothing sensual or intimate. Then several yrs later we meet just to say hi. But it wound up being more than Hi . She is married, and I was trying to avoid my deep burning desires to get close to her we keep meeting periodically to Hang out bs and talk about time. But eventually one hang out to the next led to more things. We pretty much had started somewhat a full blown relationship outside her marriage. And I am crazy madly in love with her like I never been before. She has no intents of getting a divorce children and finacial she say’s. At first she was comming onto me strongly. I was not ready and aware of her marraige Is hould’nt get to emtionanlly involved. Well a few years have gone by the roles have changed I am piratically begging to meet her see her she is not but she says she want’s to keep seeing me and she love’s me. I am saddened all the time just wanting to see her but knowing I some how I am going have to pull myself away.I am so in love with her that I cannot vision being close or happy with another woman and the fact I am shy makes it very difficult for me to meet someone. But I cant go on like this it brings un happiness and I know there is no future although I can do the math why I should not be seeing her the emotions over rule I was wondering if anyone has some advice that can help me find a way to move forward. The story is way more deep I am hoping I can pull out of this and find someone that I can have a full blown loving relationship with. James

  94. James T.

    I too was involved with a married woman who stole my heart in a matter of months. She cheated on me once and just lied about why she had to leave me (husband threatened to take kids…total of 7) I saw her out the next night with a different guy. She constantly told me of her love for me..bought gifts..and had to see, and or text me every day. She came on like a freight train and left just as fast. I ended the relationship twice and she showed up at my door both times. The first time she threw a tantrum like I have never seen and the second time she looked like the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is quite stunning at 47 and I am quite fit at 58. The relationship was loaded with her deceit and lies.
    Why am I so heartbroken??…We did have an undeniable bond and I miss her terribly. Knowing she is with this guy is awful. I know I seem incredibly selfish considering her youngest is 9 yrs old with a 13 and 15 yr old right behind.
    Shame on me but still hurt.

    • cj

      I don’t know whether or not you have any knowledge of astrology but certain signs are drawn to each other like veritable magnets. This does not always mean that they are ready to be with each other or that the relationship will yield a happily forever after ending – especially if they are unwilling to learn what must be learned in order to secure such happiness.

      For example, most Pisces and a Scorpios have an instant magnetic attraction. They can be total strangers in a roomful of people and feel the pull towards one another within seconds. Why and how this magnetic attraction occurs I cannot explain but I suspect that at least some of the reason for it has to do with the inherent traits of each sign. Take a Scorpio. The average Scorpio desires power and control and possesses great intensity of emotion. The average Pisces has no urge for power or control over but is also intensely emotional and looks for this depth in a partner. Can you see how the two might be attracted, whether or not they set out to be and whether or not it is convenient in terms of timing (ie – one may be married, the other not)? The Scorpio will recognize Pisces as a person he or she can dominate. The average Pisces is happy to take on a submissive role and even relishes doing so. They both communicate and fuse well in the emotional realm. But…perhaps these inherent magnetic qualities between the two are there for a higher purpose. Maybe they each have something to learn that the other is best able to teach and the magnetism is there to encourage that learning opportunity. Pisces is capable of forgiving easily. Scorpio will remember an injury until death and possibly beyond. Pisces can teach Scorpio the art of forgiveness. Scorpio is strong willed and determined. The average Pisces goes with the flow and sometimes wastes much of his or her talents because he/she is not strong willed enough. Scorpio can teach Pisces some much needed discipline, which is required for Pisces to realize their talents. On the fact of it, the attraction between the two is due to their similar natures in a certain regard. But that initial attraction also serves a higher purpose.

      If two people can figure out what the higher purpose is and use it to learn and develop, I believe a greater chance for happiness between them will be present – regardless of how the romantic piece of the relationship turns out. If not, they may be constantly drawn to each other in a sort of never ending love/hate arrangement that will persist until they have figured out what it is they need to learn and actually learn it. Could this be why you still feel drawn to this woman? Maybe because you have yet to learn what it is that she can teach you and why she came into your life? Conversely, you may have sometime to teach her. Despite the lies and all the rest, there is a reason (or reasons) why two people feel attraction. It all seems very surface level at first but there are usually much deeper elements at work.

  95. Amber

    I just finished reading this post….And I’m apart of a love triangle, I’m the other woman whose fell hard for a married woman. Now, before I explain why I’m writing my comment is that I knew that she was married with a man when we met. I didn’t mind because I was in a committed relationship too with a Man. Shortly after Her & I became close my relationship with my guy soon ended NOT because of Her…but because He was an asshole. (He hates being called that) He knew my thing for women and was okay with it.

    For months I was okay with being with this married woman, until, a few days ago Her and I had a disagreement. Our disagreement was….I wanted to rekindle my relationship with my ex..I love him but weren’t in love and thought maybe I could fall back so…with that, I was openly honest about getting back with my ex. And She flipped out on Me and sound very selfish basically wanting Me for herself. So we met up tonight and I wanted to end this. Although I grown to love her very very much, I also know that the more I move forward with her the more hurt I’ll feel when she leaves my side.

    During the time we were going through this disagreement, in a weird way it helped Me realize how much I care for her and love her and that If we were to go long term..I’ll be giving ALL of Me to her and I’ll be left with sharing her. Which quickly un settled me for thinking it. I told her this because I really need her to see the bigger picture. That there’s no space for Me She’s been with her husband for almost 20years if she hasn’t left between then, well more than likely she won’t now, especially for a much younger woman. And I refuse to be stuck as the other woman and feel alone until she comes back to Me.

    So with all that being said I won’t rekindle with my ex because like I said love can go far but I’m not in love and don’t believe I can fall back with him. And I’ll have to end this loss hope for Me in this triangle of love with this woman because she’s admitted that she’s clearly not leaving (no matter how unhappy she looks or is). And I refuse to tell her too, because for one its not my place and for two because I’m just the other woman.

    I hope I made any sense maybe I commented to vent and rant about my hopeless situation.
    And although this sh** is going to burn like hell…I gotta leave. She wants me to give it sometime maybe 3 days to think things over cause as I see it, its a done deal Wife doesn’t leave husband, Husband keeps wife and mistress tries to cope with the reality of it.

    The end.

  96. Nathan

    I am also the “other man”. This triangle is still going on at the minute. Her husband has been working away for 3 months and now is back for 2 weeks before going away till end of Jan 16. We both have fallen in love with each other. She is like my soul mate and we both make each other happy. She has only been married for 7 months and tells me she is unhappy. She still loves him in a caring way but thats it. They never have sex and she hates it. She tells me she only got married to try and make the relationship better and she regrets getting married now. But she tells me that she doesn’t want to leave him when he gets back in Jan. She wants to try and give it ago before ending it. But while doing this she want me to wait for her… My head is so confused at the minute because how can someone who loves me do this if she isn’t happy with her husband. What can I do to stop this heartache…….

  97. RK

    Hello Dr. Jordan,

    Thanks for posting such a great article. I am also ‘the other guy’. I am single and I met this girl at my office 2 years back. She is married with no kids. Before meeting her I used to be happy go lucky guy, liked to date girls, enjoy online dating, party with friends etc. Meeting this girl changed my world. We became very good friends, I never had such a great chemistry with any girl, i could share secrets with her, had fun with her in office etc. Even though we were of different nationality we easily synced up well with each other. Slowly and slowly we realized that we are in love. Eventually I got cut off with my friend circle, as I used to spend more time with her. I enjoyed every moment with her. Slowly and slowly we started thinking about future. We used to come up with idea of marrying and then one or the other will then drop it fearing what society will think and that it won’t go well with her and my family. As time passed she started trying for baby with her husband thinking that we may not marry in future. My family started asking me to checkout available girls as they wanted me to get married. I started ignoring them and telling them that I wasn’t ready. As time passed thinking that this may not work I started checking available girls that my family (parents) had chosen for me. I was half hearted in this attempt. At the same time I told this to the married girl that I am looking. She got little upset and then we started to again imagine about our future. She told me that she will divorce if I don’t check girls anymore. I told my family about my relation with the married girl and they didn’t give me permission to marry her. By this time she got converted to Christianity. I don’t want my family to be upset and so I told this to the married girl. My family gave me time to recover and then again start looking. In meanwhile I again started dating the married girl. She always used to tell me that she is not having good relation with her husband. Her husband is nice but he is more like family kind of person and she finds love and the connection missing in her marriage. I felt sad for her and thought that if I somehow get permission from my parents to marry her then I can make her happy. We started to live like before. Then at same time she got pregnant with her husband. With her getting pregnant I decided to move on and she also started more focused about her kid at the same time she loved me. After sometime she got miscarriage. She felt very bad of this. She thought god gave her punishment and was upset for long time. She slowly recovered and then again became like before, funny and caring. But I need to get married .. seeing that my parents won’t agree and now she being catholic she won’t divorce it sucks. She don’t want to leave me and I also feel perfect with her. My parents are asking me again to again start looking. I feel she is the best for me and I should have convinced my parents back then. This thing eats me everyday. Now that nothing is going to workout I have been little harsh to her that we shouldn’t continue and end it. She still convince me to continue with her. I have been tired and more unhappy in this whole journey. Could you please suggest what should I do .. should I had convinced my parents back then? how should I plan to go ahead. Thank you so much for helping guys like me.

  98. Ben

    I really need some advice here if anybody is able to relate/help. So I’m kind of at the next stage of this situation. 3 years in, I’ve been the third leg, done the affair, now in an amazing relationship with the woman who chose to be with me and leave the husband but she is unable to let go of what happened and take the next step forward.
    So she lived on a farm with her husband and her parents lived on the same property. I began working for her dad and we quickly became very good friends and had a lot in common. Her marriage wasn’t abusive, he was a nice guy, but she’d taken the safe option marrying him as she’d been hurt in the past and only 6 months into the marriage it caught her completely by surprise to meet me and realise just how much was lacking. We talked, weighed things up, and within 6 months she had moved out of her house and back in with her parents in an attempt to end the marriage. Our relationship was semi obvious but kept as secret as we possibly could. So this love triangle continued on the property with her husband in one house, her in another and me in the sleepout for the next year until I moved away for work. A few months later she followed and left the husband living on the same property as her parents. She got a job near me and the relationship continued and another 6 months later we told her parents we had started officially seeing each other. Another year after that she told her husband she was seeing me. And now we are 6 months on from that, I have proposed, she said yes but now is having major doubts. She still hasn’t divorced her husband and although she doesn’t talk to him anymore, she hasn’t gotten closure as I never gave her the space she needed to grieve. The whole thing has really affected her self worth and damaged her relationship with her parents. I know I’m the bad guy in all of this, but you can’t help who you fall in love with and apart from how we started we are a great match in every other way. I don’t know how to give her space now as we are living together and I don’t know what to do going forward. I feel like I’ve been so patient. It’s been 3 years and I’ve been waiting the whole time for her to let go and be happy in our relationship. Every time she starts to I want a little bit more and scare her. We’d been so good lately and she had brought up the marriage thing so a proposal felt right, but it’s bought up so much baggage. Can someone please tell me how I can help her through this. Is it going to work? She’s 32 and we both want children so the biological clock is ticking and I’m getting very concerned that I may be waiting in vain.

    • cm

      Hi Ben,

      My husband waited just about 15 years for me before we finally got married. During much of that time we weren’t even dating! I spent a lot of time in between trying to figure things out and to make sure that I was making such a major decision for the right reasons. It just takes some people longer than others to be ready. Personality, past circumstances and events all weigh in quite heavily. I think the only way any person can be resigned to (or even content to) wait for another for as long as it takes is if they not only truly love that person but also have an unbreakable bond of friendship. But true friendship often lacks the romantic drama that most people are used to associating with a love relationship and can easily (and mistakenly) be thought of as “boring”. My recommendation: be “boring” in a sense – eliminate any element of fear (especially fear) or drama in the relationship on your end, even if she is not able to do the same on her end at the moment. If you do this for long enough – really be her friend because you really LIKE her, not just love her – and don’t pressure her about anything or discuss any marriage related topics unless she brings it up first (and CONFIDENTLY brings it up first, not just a casual mention), your chances for happiness and likelihood of eventual marriage will be far greater. In my case, I was the one who finally brought up the idea of marriage to my husband, though he was really just waiting all along and was not at all taken by surprise. He made it possible for me to come to this conclusion on my own though, by giving me some emotional space to myself – and demonstrating that his love was not just a flash in the pan which would simply disappear/expire past a certain “waiting” period. But again, you have to really LIKE her, not just love her, for any of this advice to work. Otherwise, however well you may be able to hide your emotions for a time, she will intuitively perceive you as being impatient and this will make her feel insecure and even more hesitant. I know it can be extremely difficult to have to spend yet more time patiently waiting (and making it appear as though you are not at all perturbed about it on top of that)… but if you really want to ensure the highest chances for success, it’s really the best way.

      True, the fact that you would both like children slightly complicates things but it doesn’t have to. The bottom line is that both of you have to be 100% ready before bringing any new life into the world, even if that means NOT bringing new life into the world if you are not ready – regardless of the biological clock. It would be far worse to have a child born into emotionally difficult or shaky circumstances and have to grow up in such an environment, than for the child to not have been born at all, despite the desires of the parents. And if you truly love one another, you will be happy together with or without children. This is just one person’s opinion but I do believe it is worth serious consideration. Hope some of my advice has helped. Best of luck to you!

  99. I was married for 17 yrs to a wonderful woman who suddenly fell out of love with me. We had one daughter and we had an amicable divorce. I was trying to move on and avoid a new relationship with anyone until my divorce was final. But unfortunately I met a wonderful woman who was the complete opposite of my ex wife who was of mixed race. This woman was a blond who was absolutely beautiful, caring, loving, funny, my perfect size, affectionate, a great cook, and very, very sexually satisfying. She made me feel like a million bucks. She revived the man in me and my confidence. The problem is that a couple of months later I discovered that she had a facebook page and there she was recently married in the beginning of the year I meet her. I waited to see if she would tell me about this and she did but insisted that she did not want to lose me and gave me the story of being unhappy, was going to leave him, didn’t have anything in common with her husband, was not sexually satisfying in the slightest she said. They were sleeping in separate bedrooms. So I tried to give her a chance. But a few weeks later when ever I discussed our future, she would fall into a depressed mode telling me that she felt bad and did not want to hurt her husband. So I told her I would respect her wishes. Then she would turn around and pretend to want to stay with me only to finally return to make future plans with him. Finally I have come to the conclusion that I may need to end this relationship before my heart is broken for the 5th time. Not sure how to end it (she keeps coming back for more). Not sure what to do.

  100. Ninh

    hi everyone before anything i sorry for my bad English, i … don’t know where to start … i know this girl since she wasn’t married but at that time she come to me while she was still in relationship with her boyfriend who she married later, at that time i told her she have to leave her boyfriend but she wasn’t able too so nothing really happen between us. Then i tried to move one meet some other girl but some how i always think about so nothing ever work out, i did seriously tried to forget her and move on but i just can’t …don’t know why … Though that time she still come back few time(3 times) but she still with her boyfriend, i ask why all she said is she don’t have the same feeling that she have with me when she was with him. Then one day she back again said she was going to get married and ask why i didn’t hold her why i didn’t fight for her. I really don’t know why myself, then want me to make her feel the thing she call real love before she get married. Which i did, everything was so wonderful maybe because we leave out her soon to be husband and only know of each other …i don’t know …then she getting married i was there. That night i text her a happy wish msg… but we didn’t end there some how our relationship just go on…we both tried to end it though that time it was either her or i trying to…but just like you said Dr. T. Jordan she need a piece from me and her husband to take care of her to feel alive….that go on for a year then her husband find out. By that time i finally decide that we can’t no longer live like that and ask her to choice one last time. She said i was the one she love but she still care great deal about her husband and worry about him and leaving him is too hard too trouble. And so i tell her to back to him and leave me…but she just can too. Thing like that happen many more times again …i was such a fool ….every time she would said she will try to leave him but then the next day she would said she didn’t know what to do who to choice or she was so afraid of unknown future. Then yesterday i make her said is one last time i was to tire of thing like that and she once again told me she choice me. Then that night she did talk to her husband about leaving about breakup …then today she wake up ..didn’t see him anywhere panic and mail me she can’t she still care so much about her husband and she said sorry. By that time i received the mail i was in front of her house worry about last night what did she said to him how hurt she was…so then i ask for a meeting and ask once again she choice him ??? She then said she don’t know if it the right choice and etc etc … she said last night when she talk to her husband he was hurt and crying and take of the wall all the picture they have that was then she remember all the memories they had together and was feel at peace… then i stood there watching going search for where her husband is. I lost count of how many time i feel my heart broken really lost the count…pls Dr. T. Jordan what should i do now ??? i don’t even feel the pain in my heart anymore …or it not yet come or it already so hurt it won’t feel anything ? Will i ever able to forget her ? I already tried in the pass like i said will i ever able to really love someone else ? The feeling i have with her was so special will i ever feel like that or more than that with someone else ??? Thank for reading …

  101. Daniel

    I read this and found it somewhat useful. I’m hoping to put some of this to work in a problem of my own. Where the woman in question is indeed married, and I am “the other guy”… However, it has never progressed to sexual encounters, it gives me insight into her psyche. Hopefully with any luck I’ll be able to diffuse the situation in a safe way.

    A slight back story: The wife and myself have known each other for ten years. We have never ever really been able to get rid of the other for god knows how many different reasons. We originally started seeing each other, but it never went much farther than that and there’s always been a strong sexual tension between us. she’s married now (with children) and I’m doing my best not to compromise her marriage or the environment with the children. (As I said, it’s never gone sexual)

    With reading this, I’ll be able to manage it better and hopefully get her to see the folly of her ways and be able to make a decision on what she’s going to do with her husband. I really do wish them the best, but she’s got to let stuff go. Thank you for posting this.

  102. Dan

    Finding this is like a breath of fresh air. Knowing I’m not the only one in this position. I am “The Other Man” in the triangle.
    Our story started on an internet dating site, she had a profile stating she was single no kids living on the west coast while I live in the mid west. It started as just talking and enjoying the back and forth messages. I was still recovering from a divorce (almost 3 years prior) that I couldn’t shake. So meeting someone to just talk to about anything and not have to think about all the bad things was perfect. As time went on we became closer and closer and decided to meet. It was there when she came to visit that everything became more intense. The sexual desires and fantasies were now all a reality and feelings were becoming stronger. We both expressed we were in love with each other. Time went on and there continued to be something about her I couldn’t get over. Never knew her last name, her number was always blocked and I could never call her. I assumed she was married. She visited a second time and the passion was still there and intense but I was growing tired of a wall being up and knew something was still wrong. Finally with some digging I asked about a man’s name I found and she ended up telling me she is married, and has two children. Actually lives about 800 miles South of me, not West. Her job is not what she said it was, her lifestyle is not what she said. So many lies over about an 8 month period and I was very angry but I loved her. She told me she didn’t want to tell me because she was afraid of losing me and everytime she wanted to tell me something was happening in my life that she didn’t want to put more on my plate. Excuses really. I saw her once after I found out and thought I was ready but I wasn’t. We still had the sexual passion and the connection but I was so disappointed that all the things we talked about wanting with each other (children, marriage, living together etc.) she already has with someone else. Her marriage is not good. She’s with a man who doesn’t treat her like a wife should be treated and ignores her. He’s a great Dad but a bad husband. They got married after 2 months of dating because she got pregnant. Confusing on why they had another child a couple years later though. She says the divorce will happen and they’ve talked about it but right now nothing has changed. I’m starting to question what she says and does and I get the feeling of jealousy quite often and I’m not that type of person. We both say we love each other but I feel like I’m setting myself up to get hurt. I don’t know what to do. She’s coming to see me again next week and I just don’t know if I should end it or tell her something has to change.

  103. Ava

    Hey, is exactly 1year my lover came back to me, I’m letting you know how i got my ex back because this Christmas holiday everyone need there love ones around them not just your love ones but your lover, a year ago i was heartbroken and i knew i could not spend the holiday alone that is when i was looking for how i can make my lover come back to me so that we can make things right, to cut the long story short on a faithful day i came across the details i will be dropping on the internet, someone talking about how she got her ex back so i took this details I’m dropping via email: (((ekpentemple at gmail.com)) and i contact him and i told him that i want my lover to come back to me, today I’m with my lover. Thanks you Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE for the help.

  104. Anthony

    Wow. Reading this just made me think. Well I’m the other guy.its been a year. But I know I love her so bad and I think she feels the same way too. She has a son. I’m also very close to him. She says she will leave him but I have been hearing that for months. I don’t know how long I can keep hearing that. I want more than just hiding love. We have sex but once in a while so it aint the sex. We laugh, cry and play. But I still try to understand. If she won’t leave him. She should at least tell me so I’ll know what too do. I don’t know how long I can take it. I’m loosing my sanity.I can’t seem to want anyone else or sex with anyone else since I feel in love with her. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in love yet in pains. Please advice me. Await your response

  105. Dan

    Me too. We’re both married. Her, happily. Me, not so much. Both have kids. WE started with innocent flirting after five years of friendship. At one point shortly into the flirting, I realized I was in love and told her. I tried to break it off, but she said she couldn’t stop thinking about me. And so we maintained our relationship, cycling through trying to be friends, heating up, obsessively texting until it was affecting our jobs and home life, and then cold turkey, only to start back up again. We’ve only seen one another three or four times, and never even held hands.
    My struggle is that I dont care about my relationship. My relationship never should have happened, and I am on the verge of divorce anyway. But she is in what appears to be a great relationship. Her husband loves her, her friends always talk about how well he treats her, hell, she even speaks very highly of him. So why can’t she stop coming back to me? I don’t want to ruin her marriage, but I am so in love, I have very little self control with her. She is as confused as I am about it, and struggles with the guilt, despite the fact that we have not kissed, or even touched one another, or even exchanged anything more than some R rated texts (not even pictures).
    I may be lonely, but I don’t love easily. I’ve been in love with two other women, one I married and divorced because she cheated, another I was engaged to, and broke it off because she cheated. Married 20 years now to a woman I really didn’t love in the first place, and now I’m in love again. We’re on the outs again, and this time it feels permanent. But it did the other times too. If she sends me a text, i know I’ll reply.

  106. kat

    hello!i am the woman. I’ve been married for nearly 5 years and been together nearly 9. My marriage lacks intimacy, sex, my husband doesn’t speak to me. he’s not interested in me. He is tho a wonderful human being, maybe shy, maybe doesn’t want to open up, idk. When he 1st pushed me away i was very confused and obviously put all the blame on me. That i wasn’t good enough for him all of a sudden. One time after like 2 years being together i checked his phone and found out he had sex chat with that woman idk. What really hurt me was that he never wanted to talk to me like that even when i asked him to. He was extremely prude with me, eventually our sex life collapsed. Our work wouldn’t let us make time for each other so gradually we became housemates. I was doing my best to bring back the spark, i literally used every bit of advice found on the internet and met no response from him. I got extremely depressed seeing my marriage dying. I had suicidal thoughts day and night. Suffered from insomnia. I tried to talk to him, to address the issues he said he’ll change and that was about it. Eventually i stopped talking and nagging him for his company. I felt so incredibly lonely and more and more i thought of just ending with myself. At some point i just believed that i am so ugly and worthless that divorce hadn’t crossed my mind. I didn’t care if he had an affair or not. In my head i was lucky to have someone who would help me pay my bills. At some point I started to talk to this guy. Immediately we clicked. We have so much in common ( my husband and i are a complete opposites)and the way he speaks to me, the way he is interested in how my day went, how i feel… i have never had such connection with anyone. I have told him right on the start that i am married and i can’t promise him anything and he was fine with it. So we’ve been talking for a year now, about to meet. Long story short i told my husband i want a divorce, but he broke down and admitted that he was a bad husband and swore he’ll change. Same time the other man wants a commitment from me. I am in the middle of all that mess i have created. My husband isn’t a bad man, he comes from a really screwed up family and has a lot of trouble with expressing his feelings, on the other hand i waited long enough for him to do something about it and i feel as if I have outgrown him. The other guy and I have that incredible connection together and I feel I can grow as a person with him, as if both of us can grow with each other.Here’s my organised and comfortable life, and there’s the unknown, possibly have to start all over again and idk if i have enough strength to do so. I am in such a mess that it’s taking a massive toll on my health. It feels too much pressure. I am literally ripped apart in between two men and trying to hold myself together somehow. I have no idea what to do.

    • Miamor

      What did you decide? I think i am heading towards that road. My husband refused me for so long and i also am now involved in a triangle.

      • Mitsu

        Why did you marry your husband in the first place. I am assuming at that time you thought he was the “one” with some sort of connection and intimacy and all that. If you married for stability alone, and that you don’t really have amazing chemistry and compatibility in the first place, then you made a mistake.

        But that doesn’t mean you have to live with that mistake. An opportunity has opened up to you.

        The way you should look at your husband is from your personal happiness point of view. Does he make YOU happpy, does he make YOU feel alive. Did you two ever have something great in the first place?

        If you can’t say yes to the questions above, do not stay for the sake of trying to preserve something you have invested a lot of time on. When there is really nothing there, there should be no sentiments. Also, don’t be a pushover. Your husband cheated, and he neglected you for so long.

        In the end, choose your happiness.

  107. DP

    I have to say, it’s comforting to see others going through the same thing I am now. I too have been the other guy for the past 6 months. While I know it’s not a lot of time, we both fell completely head over heels in love with each other. We met randomly on a project out of the country back in June. The past 6 moths have been absolutely incredible and we both told each other that we had never felt like this about anyone ever in our lives. About 2 months ago she decided that she was going to leave her husband for me, we just had to figure out her green card situation because she is from England. Once we sorted that, she told her husband, he moved out and I proceeded to move closer to her so we could be closer to each other. While we spoke about her having a time of mourning, she assured me to know that she wants to be with me and it would just be a little difficult for her at times. I of course knew this and was ready to accept the baggage that comes with this kind of situation. She left for two weeks on a business trip and and everything was great. We talked on the phone or facetimed pretty much everyday. And if we weren’t doing that it was texting and sending pictures. Her telling me how much she loves and misses me and couldn’t wait to get back. Last Tuesday, after she returned she came over to see me and we had an amazing night together. Again, everything was perfect. Then, literally 48 hours later she did a complete 180 degree turn and was telling me she can’t do this anymore and needed to try and work things out with her husband. How do you go from having sex with someone, looking them in the eyes saying you love them to just turning it around in a day. I literally feel like I’ve been hit in the face with a bat and am fucking miserable. I know this started in the most horrible of ways, Ill be the first to admit that. But I’ve found someone who is completely perfect for me in every way, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think after everything I won’t be with her again. When she came over to talk about breaking up, she said she was sure she knew what she needed to do, but them became confused again when she saw me. We left it “open”, but I just feel in my gut that was it. I have this small sense of hope that maybe she’ll come back to me, because something similar happened about 3 months ago with us. She got overwhelmed and we broke up, but then after a week she came back and told me she wanted to leave her husband to be with me. I just don’t know what to do. I know she is going through a lot, and a big reason with her having doubt is because she doesn’t want to prove people right who told her she got married too young (she’s currently 29, got married at 24). I just want to be with her. She is the perfect match for me.

    Any guidance would be much appreciated.

    • Mitsu

      I feel you man. The pain in this thread is felt by all. I

      t seems like many women are hesitant to get a divorce because of external factors. And the girl lets these external factors outweigh what she really wants and feels. In your case, it’s the pressure and perhaps shame she will be experiencing from the the people who warned her before. In my case, she says that too many people (relatives and friends of husband) will get hurt if she gets a divorce. I find this silly because she is technically putting other people’s happiness and wishes over her own.

      It’s hardest for us “other guys” because the control is not in our hands. The feelings are mutual, but I think women just factor in too many unnecessary things in considering a divorce. She will always be wavering, and we are the ones stuck just waiting.

  108. Tali Cruz

    Hi. I’m the other guy. We started leaving together this year but she is still married. I told her I want to marry her and that I’m in love with her but still she said she can’t divorce him. I feel I should let her go but we been together for 4 years now and I love her and she told me she loves me too. I think we can be together but every time we talk about marriage and divorce we end up arguing and never come up with a solution. Yes this breaks my heart because she tells me we will get married when she gets divorce but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Just wanted to share my situation and see what you think.

    • Mitsu

      Hi, I’m in the same situation. What I don’t understand is why would a woman be hesitant to leave her husband when she knows she truly loves someone else, and that other person can provide just as much as the current husband can. I wonder what the triggers are that will actually make the woman take the plunge.

      Being “the other” is probably the most helpless role in the triangle.

  109. Hughbisme1

    Hello. Current Situation… 2 hopeless romantics in love, one divorced, one married. She is my crush who is a cousin of one of my best friends and had informed me she is in love with me. We have had moments of sex but I have always been mindful that these “triangles” you describe, typically the person going outside the relationship is looking for more of a sexual relationship so I have managed to be as faithful to myself as I can but this woman is my dream so I can’t just let her pass by. We communicate almost everyday and is just a matter of time before she makes the plunge but I get very impatient. You know those feelings you get just thinking about someone and it all feels so right. This relationship I am out is not that of a sexual encounter it is purely true love though intimate times have occurred, I have occurred,it’s love that I seek. I am a man. I am finding myself to more mindful and patient with this situation than I ever thought I could and when I become impatient I remind myself that this is destiny however, it isn’t always the exact moment things are suppose to happen. Let’s face it, time is a made up at of numbers to explain the moments that happen in the universe. Staying strong and believing that true love can be yours, being patient will offer you more piece of mind. There is a saying that goes as such: “I want happiness” will if you get rid of the selfishness (i) and then remove the ego (want) you will left with nothing but happiness. As I write this, it helps me in my mindfulness of the big picture instead of the shortened version of what we all want and that is a fulfillment of something from someone that has an obligation to fulfill until the time comes when that path becomes no longer manageable. If you want that person in your life then you need to find the gratitude that this person is in your life. My situation, not one I am being what I want but in my heart, I know that I am waiting for the one and there is no doubt we will be together for a lifetime. An interesting twist to this that I was actively building a relationship, or what I thought, and I was being, in my eyes patient with another woman. That relationship never really developed and my crush of nearly decades approached me and told me he feelings for me now I find myself in waiting again. So my question for myself is this, was waiting for the other woman the universes way of teaching me patience because something greater is planned for me?

  110. Ric

    I’m the other guy. My significant other, J, has been married many years to a man she still loves and she has no intention of ever leaving, H. H is 17 years older than J and has grown too old for a woman J’s age. He can’t perform sexually and refuses to try to connect with her emotionally, he eats, sleeps, sits on the porch, and watches TV – typical things for a man his age. The problem is she is not his age and she wants, needs a life.

    Years ago, when H became impotent he slammed the door on sex and intimacy. A few years into that, he told her he saw how unhappy she was and it was breaking his heart. He didn’t want to lose her, but somehow, he’d already lost her. He told her to go out and find a good man to love her and be her boyfriend, but to please find someone who would not rip her away from their home together; but he never wanted to know anything about it. He promised not to pry if she’d promise not to flaunt it.

    He wants her with him, and the truth is she loves him and wants to be there for him. The truth also is I love her and respect her so much for staying by his side to the end. It speaks of how deep her love is and how creative she is to find a way to help both me and H to love her and know happiness and if something like this ever came my way it would be a testimony of the love and respect with which I too would regarded.

    It’s not like I planned on falling in love with a married woman. And for years since H told her to get a boyfriend she’d turned aside several men asking for her number, telling them she was happily married. But then, that one evening, I ran into her and we started talking, and it was love at first sight. I never believed in that, but it is real, we’re proof.

    Over the next weeks, we shared and our whole stories came to light. She lives in a town about an hour away. She comes to my city for business (where we met) every weekend. She gets in Friday and goes back Monday, or Tuesday sometimes. We cyberchat every day, through-out the day, and text.

    I’ve been married three times and I’ve never had the close emotional bond J and I share. It’s my guilty pleasure to know she has snuck off just before bed to text me and tell me she loves me and misses me – there she is, miles away, in another life, and I matter to her so much that the last thing she does every day is she steals away to inform me that I’m loved and on her mind – Jeez, that’s all I ever wanted anyhow! I don’t care if she’s miles away, or if she has a husband, or if I can only see her on weekends – I am on her mind and in her heart all the time, as she is in mine.

    When she comes to town to see me, it’s not like a married couple going somewhere. She is without a doubt coming to see me, really SEE ME! I AM the destination, I AM the thing to do, and I love it!

    I love her attention, unhindered and without shame, I do not hide how needy I am for love, or how it is her love that floods me and fills me and satisfies my ache and longing to be loved. We have a real and true partnership and I would not trade my crazy unconventional relationship for all the tea in China!

    Friends and family tell me H is not that old, he may live another 10 or 20 years, maybe more. But I don’t care. He could live 100 more years, and honest to God, I hope he does. I like my life just the way it is, right here, right now!

    Lucky me!

  111. Janine Brewer

    I need feedback please. I’ve been unhappily married for 15 years. My husband lashes out at me when he drinks.
    He says I make him feel less than a man and all of that. It’s been the same thing all these years plus the sex isn’t great. He refuses to seek help on anything that I ask him to. I met a younger guy a month ago and our chemistry was so magnetic. He was very attentive and a gentleman. For the next couple of weeks after meeting him, he has been all that I’ve been thinking about… Like an obsession. We didn’t exchange any information when we first met. I saw him again over the weekend at the same spot and I courageously approached him to let him know that I’d like to get to know him better. He asked if I was married and I said yes. We talked about a few other things then he asked him if I would text him to let him know that I made it home. I did and he replied. A day passed and I didn’t hear from him, so the following day I sent him a good morning message asking how he was. He replied 3 hours later and replied that he was good and asked how I was. I simply replied good, thanks. I’ve not heard from him and feel foolish to reach out to him again. I’ve not felt this attraction to anyone in a long time. I honestly feel that he really likes me too, but not sure if he is shy because of the 8 year age difference or if he just doesn’t want to deal with me. Help!

  112. mandy

    Hi I have been in a long distance relationship with a woman who is married for 1 and half year already. We’ve known each other for a very longtime and it started when we see each other in a social networking. I have told her that I still do love her and my love for her did not changed. Its been how many times I avoid talking to her because I know she is already married. But she still coming back. Up to the time that she told me that she too still love me. Our relationship was thru the internet because we are thousands of miles away from eachother. We went through tough times and argue a lot but even if I want to stop our relationship she will always say that she want to be with me. She is wilin to divorce his husband only if she the appraisal of their house went up.

    Now we are still miles apart and she said that she doesn’t want to have kids and I agree with her. As we communicate with each other everyday start in the morning when she wakes up and before she go to bed in the evening and even when she wakes up late at night or early dawn she always communicate with me.
    I have compromise something that she doesn’t want when the time comes that we are together. She ask me if I will agree when we make love I will have to protect myself for her not to get pregnant by using some birth control for men and she will do her part also. I did agree because I she really means that much to me.
    I need advice in making my decision if I should wait for her until she is divorce or I just have to tell her that I will just come back if she is already divorce. As of now I am hurting seeing her not Happy with his husband and forgetting about what her needs a a woman.
    I am confused, but deep in my heart I love her and I can feel that she love’s me too even we are thousands of miles away.

  113. JC

    Thank you Dr for your empathy and compassion for people walking this path. I am the married women in the triangle l have been married for 25 years we’ve had good times and bad but mainly good l have two grown adult children. l met a man on my travels with work, he is ten years younger than me (50 and 40yrs old). We had a distanced affair for 6 months then he left to go across the state for work, we have stayed in contact for 8 months and our relationship moved into an emotional one. I supported him through his trails and loneliness etc and we shared a mutual feeling towards each other, we spoke regularly but kept our feelings constrained as he knows l am married and is cautious as l am not to invest/attach too much as we know it’s a fruitless pursuit. Now he tells me he’s moving back and l nearly had a panic attack after our last phone conversation as we discussed things we never had and let our guards down…it felt wonderful to feel so free to share with each other and l know he felt it too. We have both pulled back again to try and contain this situation as it feels like a flood gate bursting at its seams it scares the both of us to death…it’s so sad really l know l could love this man but doubt our long term success l also know l have a husband who would be devastated if l left. I was selfish and tasted the forbidden fruit only to be burned for doing so l only hope l may be over estimating his feelings for me as l would hate that l have caused him as much angst and pain as l have felt.

  114. Khristian

    I’m a soft hearted guy. I’m in love with a married woman. She lives with her husband. Been seeing her for 3 months and I can already see what this article is talking about.. Thought this could work out. Either she would divorce him and be with me or I’ll just enjoy this arrangement that we have. But no matter how you guard yourself you’ll always get too close and when she asks ‘can we take a break?’ It’ll destroy you. Please don’t put yourself in this situation. I’m extremely stubborn and ignore everyone’s advice on relationships but this time I wish that I had listened…

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  116. miguel. m

    i was involved with a married woman for awhile we were good friends first and then later became lovers the sex was great i was in love with her since we used to worked together it was very easy for us to be together even we texted each other just 4 a kiss in the bathroom the relationship was incredibly perfect until one day where she got drunk and forgot to deleted our text messages it was the day when her husband discovered everything after that every turn into a living hell her husband called with threats saying that if i dont leave his wife alone he will kill me he turned her against me she stopped talking to me like 4 a whole month until the day that she quit from her job i was devastated. [the after a few months i dicided to sent her a message even though that i was told not to.all of a sudden the message went to this other woman working 4 the same company this other lady was texting me none stop just to figure out who i was after a few attempts finally she foung out who i was it was so funny but everything after a while became kind of seriously i told her that she likes me and to make sure that i was not getting into another forbidden relationship i asked her if she was married and she responded maybe so since i didnt see a wedding ring in her finger i started to like her a lot i was already into her when i dicided to ask her once more if she was married and she said yes i could not believe that i was involved with another married woman but it was too late because i was already in love with her she became my relief from my prievious relationship. this new woman we started doing the same things going out kissing touching each other but after a while she got scared even though that her husband never knew about our affair she told me that she was afraid because she knew what she was doing was wrong because she is a christian i end up with heart broken once again so my [advice to anyone out there is dont do it becase i realise this women what they are looking for is just to healed their living hell they are having with their husbands once they reconcile they forget the guy theyleft behind without any remorse they dont call you no texting not even a phone call and now im completely alone one of the things that i was attracted about both women was that both were 26 years old i was feeling so young with them but the 2nd one was the most that i regret losing her i missed her sweetness and they both got the same name[ m a]

  117. T.Tod

    Well not sure how to start my story is sad and can’t fully disclose it. I’m a married women yes in a triangle as you would put it. I kinda don’t agree with what you perceiving about what you call the triangle …. I married young cause I was told I had to by parents due to being pregnant. Its over 11 years almost 3 years ago I met a man online. I was upfront and honest with him about my marriage. We develop feelings discovered others ways to share intamacy. Then yes things got difficult and awkward . He was giving me the strength to follow my heart and follow through with a divorce. I think that spooked him I know he cared for me but how much was the real question . I asked him to wait 4 months until we could meet . We continued showing our physical effection and emotion daily. Then he started not calling which was very odd . Yep he was going out on dates . After I found out I lost hope in us and till this day we held onto our friendship . He got frustrated so did I. He read your article and now our friendship is gone . Your article is misleading to women in a triangle just wanna tell you that. Pardon my texting to spelling errors . I’m so upset cause your article miss lead my friend. Now I feel more alone than I ever did . So ya I’m playing the blame game. He is not innocent .

    • R

      You are married!! Good for him for reading this article and hopefully finding someone available instead of wasting his time with someone that is married… I wish I had found this article a long time ago… As for you!! You are married… if your marriage is not good either choose to work on it or walk away instead of dragging some single dude into your mess and drama… try thinking about someone other than yourself… like your husband… your kids if you have kids and this other man who deserves someone to be there for him completely and not to be kept on the side as a play thing to make your marriage tolerable… BTW don’t leave your marriage for another man… leave your marriage if its the decision that feels right for you… if you leave for someone else you will never have time to recover from the loss of your marriage and heal your heart and that new relationship will have a large burden attached to it…

  118. Justin

    Dr. Jordan,

    I first want to thank you for posting this!! What a relief and god send it has been to have a place for “the other guy”!! “The other guy” is generally looked down on or bastardized. So it is refreshing that we have a place to go for help! Your advice on the whole triangle situation is so valuable!! I too got involved with a married woman. We met about 7 years ago, I honestly didn’t think much of it at first. Just a new co-worker that I enjoyed talking to, she’s also a hair stylist. So I started seeing her to get my haircut. The friendship continued until about 7 years ago, when she set me up with a friend from her beauty school. That relationship ended about 6 months after it began. So “Jane” told me that she had these incredibly strong feelings for me, and that one night that we were all at house, that she never wanted me to leave. At first I was very hesitant on getting involved in the “triangle”. But I let my heart take over at some point, and the whirlwind began. 3 years of a build up to a partial intimate encounter. September of that year, she finally told her husband that she was done! She had enough of the controlling, manipulating and abuse. November of that year was our intimate encounter. Now mind you, he’s never been trusting of her, even before me! He’s insecure, and very controlling and manipulative, to her and her children. The whole time she said she was done, he used every tactic in the book to get her to stay. The one tactic that worked was some sort of threat, about taking her children away. This was the threat that worked! Now she’s always said that he acts like her dad. So the father theory rings true. And now she gets what she “needs” from me. They went to one marriage counseling appointment, that was it! For whatever reason that didn’t continue. He also told her that he would go to counseling, in his own words “the counselor said I’m very well adjusted and don’t need to comeback”. Now c’mon, no counselor is EVER going to say that to anyone!! His first wife, left him 6 months after they were married, smart woman! So now she tells me she can’t leave now because, he will wrap her sons mind! Great guy! A real catch if you ask me!! Janes own father asked her before he passed away, “are you going to spend the rest of your life with a man that controls you?”. I could go on and on about the horrible stuff this so called “man” has done, but it would be pointless! I don’t believe a man like this, will EVER change, they don’t have the capacity or willingness to ever do so! My own father was like him, and never did change. In fact he finally left my mom for another woman. My only wish for my mom was that SHE had left, and not “stayed for the kids”, as Jane is doing now! I love Jane with all my heart!! She is one of the most amazing souls I’ve ever met! She is my best friend! But it has been painful to watch her decline! She now turns to me and alcohol to “cope” with this situation! She has recently told me that she is going to seek counseling for herself, but I’m afraid this won’t happen, as it would raise the control freaks alarms! For the last year she has told me that I need to move on with my life, I should have listened to the advice. But of course I didn’t, and I held out hope that she’d get out and with time she could heal and move on to a healthy relationship with me! I’m afraid this will never happen. I had a friend tell me that the only way she’ll ever get out, is when you walk away, because it will cause her to really look at her “marriage” for what it is. So I tried that last November, and it lasted all of two months before we were back to chatting again! So now it is march and my birthday has passed once again alone, as she is with him. I don’t want to live this way anymore! Holidays pass and I’m not with her. I truly believe if I don’t get out, nothing will change, as you have said she’s getting all she needs from the triangle. I’ve tried breaking away before, but it never lasts! I’m ready at this point, but I’m looking for a way to convey to her, that I’m done until her situation changes, that won’t be damaging or hurtful to her. It sucks too getting involved with someone you work with and see a lot! I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone! I can’t help that I love her and my heart wants her, so my question is, how do I tell her goodbye in a way, that would leave it open to a possible future, should she finally decide she wants happy and healthy over miserable and toxic! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

  119. R

    Thank you for such a great article… it really helped me to put things in perspective… I had a relationship with a married woman for over 6 years… a long time to be sure… we had lots of common interests and the chemistry between us was addictive… she told me things with her husband were all but done and they simply raised their kids together as friends… Her and I had a great time together travelling on weekends and hanging out every free moment… great chemistry and the best sex I have ever had by far… we became fantastic friends!! We talked about her leaving I always felt like this was not the right thing that she should leave for herself not for me… I am single with no kids and I did not want the weight of her leaving on our relationship… instead I hoped she would see all the good fun things between us and leave for herself and let things develop… time moved on and about a year and a half ago I started dating someone else… I was frustrated with watching her have great nights and good times with me and then going home to sleep in a bed with another man… I wanted a life with someone that was mine so I moved or attempted to move on… She struggled… I struggled… we never really let go of eachother… She caused holy hell in my life acting like a was cheating on her with this other woman… I backed away… things with the other girl didnt work… how could they… I came back and laid it out for her… I wanted her… I loved her and I wanted a life with her… I asked her to leave her marriage… this is where the train went off the tracks… she said NO… she punished me over and over for moving on and “cheating on her” how do you cheat on a married woman?? We both backed off tried to remain friends… I slipped into depression and started to stand back and realize that things did not add up… he marriage was not the shell she claimed it was… the two of them were bonded and a family for 18 years plus… she was never going anywhere… it was not going to happen… she led me to believe what got her what she wanted… I also now believe she is sleeping with someone else… I have good instincts on things like this I was pissed when I found out and threatened to tell her husband… she cried and told me she had been depressed to and in therapy…I found out that was a lie… I have slowly determined that this woman is a fantastic liar… someone that is a master at manipulation and cares about herself first and her kids… she has her husband bamboozled… and many other people as well… I have a good nose for the truth and even I have realized I looked passed alot of lies and deceit… I now believe this woman does this regularly and thinks everyone cheats… maybe she is right… I threatened to tell her husband and she freaked out and physically attacked me… That was the final straw for me… I have realized I am addicted to her and addicted this negative situation… realized this will never lead me to anything happy or good and that being around her is not good for me… We share many friends in common in a small town… I have no family or support structure… i invested alot into this relationship and have felt my world crumble to bits… I try not to think of her but it is difficult as she lives in my mind all the time… I know this will get better with time and distance but its been very hard… perhaps the most difficult challenges of my life… This has brought up a lot of other issues for me… I have gone into therapy… its been a few weeks its helped a bit… I started doing yoga and trying to get past her… its difficult… I do my best to avoid her… sometimes that is impossible… I have and will continue to have to lose important friendships and connections to stay away from her… its not worth it…. I pray someday that I will be over her and able to be around her and feel nothing and that I will manage to repair my issues and build my self worth up and find a real relationship that feels as good as what we had… As you say she was the right woman in the wrong time and place… For me companionship and common interests are really very important to me… and we had that great blend of just that… I think back to all the great times and realize I was hanging on to a fantasy… I think back to the holidays and important events and realize she always choose her family over me… than I realize that is how it should be…. I was the person that was interfering with her family unit… I feel sorry for her poor husband… I think i now realize he adores her like I did… poor guy I feel guilty for having done this… and feel bad that she is doing it again to him… I tell myself to mind my own business its their relationship and she is his problem not mine… Thank god I did not marry her or get into something real with her… she would be cheating on me like that… I hope with time I will get over this and stop thinking about her and move on with my life and find a great and healthy relationship with someone that is truly available and there for me… I know that starts with being happy with yourself… I was when I met her… right now 6 years of this has twisted me up… I am devastated… I always thought this would lead somewhere… Lesson learned for me!!

    • R

      This is a reply to my own post… its been almost 6 months since I deattached myself from this woman… its still very difficult as I miss her very much… I recognize that I absolutely did love her but the situation was not tolerable and it was actually best to leave overall but it continues to be difficult… I still think about her every day… in many ways I wish I could stop that and get over it and move on but its only been a few months and it was a long term and very intense relationship… I miss our great times together… I dont miss the lying and the fact she always was driven to head home to her husband and family… that is something I will never tolerate again… I know this has caused me to become a much harder and calloused person… my heart is not as open as it once was and I have zero tolerance for bullshit in relationships anymore… I am working on getting over this… I feel much better than I was a few months back but I feel stuck at my current place of missing her and missing what we had between us… I found out her husband actually adores her and that alot of what she told me was lies… what did I expect right?? It was an affair… I am also working on not hating her That is hard for me sometimes I feel used and betrayed by someone that was my best friend and partner… only they were not… I try to cover up missing her by hating her its a coping mechanism… it works sort of but its not good… that sort of negative feeling is not good to hang on to… … I have some deep resentment about this whole thing… However I also realize that this is on me as well!! I made a choice to get involved with someone that I knew was married and I signed up for this… I guess I did not know how tender my heart actually was… I think what bothers me most is that I think she is 100% fine and completely does not care about any of this… I guess it would be easier if I knew we where both struggling with this situation… I dont think its even on her radar…

      We live with the choices we make and this was mine… I think about where I was 6 months ago and I am better… I think about where I will be in 6 months and I hope I am to the point where I wont be on this site writing about this!

      Still feeling fucked up but getting there I guess!

    • NB

      I was in the almost the same situation for 4 years going back and forth with this manipulating lying married woman. She was always saying the bc I’m single I was cheating on her. But who was really cheating was her. She was married!!

  120. Debasish Pal

    Dear Mr Jordan, I am an other man. I met a married woman one years ago. We both go office in same way. So after few months we were come close as a friend. But from last 4-5 months we have come more closer and I have fallen in her love too much. We walk together and talk in phone regularly. Few days ago I told her that I love her and I want to marry her. She knows that how much I love her. She tells me that She likes me but She can not break the trust of her husband on her. She wants to carry on our relationship as a good friend.She also told me that She will not interested to making any physical relationship with me, even i never give her of any kind of physical relationship. I love her too much and ready to do anything. I decide to carry on our relationship to try to win her love by my unconditional love. I always take so much care of her and helps in every problems in her life only for get a place in her heart. Now I want your suggestion. Am I doing right job for win her love or I should think in other way?Please suggest me something.

    • Debasish Pal

      Latest Update: She is not happy with her husband. She tells me her pain which is giving by husband. She shares me everything about her life. In each problem her last solution is me. She ask me help in her all problem. Even She has requested me to stay with her for life time as the best friend and give support her to her painful life. But She has cleared me that She loves her husband even She knows that her husband does not love her. She does not want to leave her husband. I am in a confused position. I think She may be love me too and She is not exposed to me about it. I can not refused her friendship offer too because it will appear me as a selfish. Moreover I feel that She has a need of me for her life. So I can not leave her alone in her painful life. Please advice me.

  121. Kumar

    Hi,
    I am the other man in the triangle. i love a married women and she too loves me a lot. she has a child and not happy with her husband. she always thinks like her life got destroyed by marrying him. I am deeply in love with her, assuring that its not just attraction. I want to marry her and she too wants to do so. she is trying to get divorce with her husband and then she would leave everything and would come to me forever.
    i want to know weather it would be successful in future or would put us in even more troubles.I just love her like anything, cant even think to live without her.i am very much tensed about what life i need to choose. Please advice.

    • Debasish Pal

      My friend,, With her child it will be make little trouble for you. But as per my experience, I can tell you that nothing is problem if you love her honestly. You are lucky man that She loves you too. In my case She likes me and may be loves me but She tells me that She loves her husband and can not leave him even She is not happy with her husband. But She wants me for whole life as the best friend. So go ahead my friend.

  122. atanu halder

    I am from a very common family, during my college life I fall in love with a girl so madly and she also loves me. after my college, got job and married that girl after 5 years of love. everything in our life (love-life and then married life) was going very fine and smooth. the disaster started when I meet an old friend, once best-friend, we used to roam here n there during our teenage. that time we don’t have any attraction to each other except friendship. after meeting her I felt something other than friendship, somehow she also felt the same. she is also married and have a child of 9 years, i too have a little baby of 1.4 years. the thing is we started talking to each other everyday over phone. but I love my girlfriend turned wife very much. now i am in a kind of situation where i dont want to loose anyone of them. in the meantime i started moving out with this new lover, my wife also started doubting on me, for a period i managed. but now my wife got some proof about my affair and left me with my angel daughter, trying to punish my full family by law. please suggest what to do. i’m doing a job in a reputed company and have good face value in the market. (i’m from Bengal, India)

  123. Ahmed

    My story if different and difficult. First of all I’m the other man, I’m from Egypt and the woman is from America. We had a long distance relation for almost four years, we met in a poker game in Internet and we start to aggressively talking every day for at least 6 hours in the first two years. In this time, I was working hard to apply for American visa so I can meet her and decide our future but each time I was applying to visa it was been rejected. We opened our heart to each other, I told her everything about myself that no one knows about it even my family and best friends and she did the same with me. Before we start talking she told me that her husband left her and the house and told her “I’m done with you” and he left for three months and then he went back again to the house. We are so in love with each other even we didn’t see each other, we are soul mates and best friends, she alawys told me that she had never a connection with someone before like what she’s having with me. Her husband tried to save the marriage and having a good life with her so they can make thier kids life normal but she wasn’t responding to him. But she didn’t cause she was loving me and having the hope to be with me. After a while (like two years) she became weird, she admitted to me that she’s had sex with her husband and she felt ashamed cuz she cheated my love and she doesn’t have any feelings to her husband anymore. I stopped talking to her for almost three months, it was very tough and hard to me in a way no one can imagine. She was suffering from anxiety years ago and she was on medicines but she stopped it when I start talking to her, she said I was totally making her fee peaceful and happy so no need for any medication. After that she talked to me again and said she’s can’t let me go and she’s still having the dream to have the perfect ending to our relation, I was totally ready for that again. I applied again for the visa and finally got it after three years of working hard for that. When u told her about it, she got weird again for couple of months, during that couple of months I was alawys asking her when I should book my ticket to USA but she was creating excuses. I booked my ticket already and I informed her, her response killed me and cut me in pieces, she said that she’s scary to meet me cuz she is sure after meeting me she will return clean to her husband and will tell him everything but she’s afraid that he will take her kids away from her as she’s back again on personality disorder and anxiety medicines. She asked me now that she can’t have a double lives and we should stop talking to each other. It’s been now one week we didn’t talk and I’m totally in physical, mental and emotionally destroyed. My flight is after four days and I don’t know what to do. Shall I visit her or not, I really can’t imagine that end and I want to even see her and touch her, it’s been almost four years now. I know this is very bitty and pathetic but it’s the truth. I’m still loving her and want to touch and hug her very badly, should I do it or not. I need anyone reading this comment help.

  124. ECHA

    Dear DR

    I Have a problem pardon for my grammar as I’m not English person as well.
    I’m married woman who in love with other man.
    I met this man 3 years ago, I fell in love with him and again I never in love like this before.
    in the beginning I have the best time in my life we happy and in love so very much. But after 6 months he start change he becoming so cruel to me all the time with his word and violations and he told me he act like this because he hurt with this situation, which is I absolutely understand I’ll do my best to make him secure. I know this is sounds disgusting for you DR but the REASON IM NOT DIVORCE WITH MY HUSBAND IS BECAUSE I’m in love with THIS MAN so ill do anything to be where he is
    anyway for the last 3 years since I’m with this man I never having sex with my husband, I never post any pic in social media with my husband and the worst part I already tell my husband the truth IM WITH THIS MAN, I don’t know what I must do more than this to make him secure. this other man becoming worst and worst and very cruel to me than anything I could even imagine. I’m so tired to be in my position every time ill tried to leave him is so hard coz I miss him so very much and is so hard to him letting go. also is killing me my husband after I hurt him he even told me he love me more and being to much nicer.
    what should I do DR?? SHOULD I LEAVE THIS OTHER MAN FOR MY OWN GOOD? IM SO TIRED TO THIS MAN GARBAGE WITH HIS ALL BLAME AND TO BUSY HURTING MY ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE TELLING ME HE NOT HAPPY WITH THE HAUL SCENARIO WHERE IM ACTULLY NOT HAPPY WITH MY POSSITION AND ALSO HIS BEHAVIOUR AND I HAVE NO RIGHT TO FEEL ANYTHING AS IM THE ONE WHO IS MARRIED. LOOKING FORWARD HEAR BACK FROM YOU

  125. Ben D

    I’ve been in a relationship with a married woman for about 14 months. I am also married, but during the course of our relationship separated and am getting divorced. It’s had its ups and downs, but we fell in love about 8 months ago, and it’s been getting stronger. At around the same time we fell in love she was going through a rocky patch in her relationship. She now says that things are “better” and despite the same togetherness and happiness between us, she wanted to call things off. I’m shattered, because in talking with her it sounded like she was going to exit her marriage as well, and so I really opened up to her emotionally and talked about a plan for the future. I even saw myself having children with her someday. I’m not sure that the dysfunction in her marriage relationship is truly “fixed”, just that they might be going through a better “patch”, but what can I do at this point? I’m feeling heartbroken and having a really difficult time thinking about how I’m going to cope without her smile, joy, and good times we always seemed to have together. True amazing chemistry and it just went away in the snap of a finger it seems. Just lost and feeling out of control.

  126. Joy

    I thought all this time i was the only one in this world with this problem…

  127. L

    I just ended all ties because everything just got too much and I felt if I carried on this way my head and heart would just explode.

    I am so torn inside now and I feel completely shattered from what has happened. Your stories have helped me. I was the woman. My now ex-husband and I were together for 5 beautiful, peaceful years. He was my confident and my best friend. I felt completely stable with him and loved him. I was happy. But there was something missing in our relationship that didn’t know it back then. We were not passionate with each other, and we didn’t share the same mindset. We were really more like friends and roommates than anything else. Sex was awkward between us and he never wanted it with me.

    I had an opportunity to work abroad for 9 months. We did long distance over a few months before and it was fine. So we thought what’s an extra couple of months. We decided we would get married when I was done the contract. We were also in the midst of planning to move to a different country so we decided that to be efficient we would sign the marriage papers before our wedding.
    Everything went as planned, he even came to visit me halfway through.

    Then about 1 month before the wedding, I met this guy. He took my world by storm and I lost myself in his company. I had many opportunities to just have a fling working in the hospitality industry, but I didn’t even think about it. I grew up believing cheating was horrible. Again, as many of you said, the chemistry, the magnetism…all of that like I never felt before. We could run off each other’s jokes all day. I told him was getting married and he was upset and told me I wasn’t doing the right thing. I didn’t want to cheat, I never thought I would, but just lost in the moment one day, I did. It was the most passionate sex I had in my life. He was the perfect guy for me and he wanted me and I wanted him. I told my husband right away. We didn’t know what to do about the wedding, we had guest flying in from all over. Pressure from families and friends. We said we’d call it off several times, but in the end he couldn’t. And I told him that I would stand by him for old time’s sake. Our plan was to have the wedding all paid for, get a divorce when we got back and I was free to leave. That process would take about 5 months.

    The other guy came to see me for a month and I fell even more in love. I am a girl that never allowed any guy to see that I was vulnerable, I played hard to get but that all fell apart with him. I told him I loved him and I would be shattered if I couldn’t be with him.

    Then he left and things went completely horrible. His impatience and his temper was unlike any other. The situation and the distance between us worked against us. He got mad at me all the time and I also started to get angry with him. We started arguing and everything just started taking longer. He blamed me for everything. Said I was lying about getting a divorce, moving out and that I didn’t care about him. It was ups and downs. I booked a ticket to see him in Europe to show him I was serious. Then about a week after I booked it, he hurt me so deeply that I had to just had to say it’s over. He emailed me back saying it’s over too.

    So here I am, the girl who gave up everything (perfect life, perfect husband, promising future) for the other guy in the short span of 6 months. In the end, he didn’t want me anyway. I feel like I ruined my entire life for this guy and he just played me like a fool like all his other girls. I feel so stupid and so hurt and so messed up. I don’t know if I can ever be normal again.

  128. Dabi

    What if you have fallen for a married lady the first time you saw her and after a month you found out she has fallen in love with you, When you get to know her she tells you that she has made a mistake by getting married. She never knew what love is until she met you
    She loves you so much and she has a child with the guy she is married to and the guy has two kids who are not hers, step children, in the past years before she met me her rings always broke apart or get lost and they had to buy a new one
    She got married because her parents always told her that their daughters never got married and it broke their hearts
    I love her and she loves me too and it hurts like hell
    She wants to stay with me because ever since she was young she never really knew what love is and she says she feels alive but she feels lost whenever she goes back to where she is married
    PLEASE HELP This is painful

  129. dan

    Read this months ago, but just reread it – insightful and well-put.

  130. Otherman

    Been the other man for 1.5 years. Relocated and changed jobs to be near the woman. She had been my first love and found me 20 years later. She pursued me and I was foolish enough to fall in love and believe the fantasy.

    Being single, I didn’t see this as an affair. For me it was two people meant for each other finding each other again. (despite everything she did and said, she was was compartmentalizing this as an affair) We fell deeply in love, talked about the future, , she talked about how much she didn’t want to stay with her husband, and I thought this all would lead to marriage and we’d spend the rest of our life together.

    When fantasy collided with reality, she stayed married, they all do from what I can tell. (her excuse was the kids). When reality hits them in the face and the cheating wife remembers she has some family responsibilities, she’ll forgo all accountability for the things she said expectations she created, and act like she’s just doing what a good mother does and sacrificing her happiness for the sake of her family. It is really disgusting. As if the fact that she has kids, makes it okay that she turned a man’s heart inside out and deceived the hell out of him.

    If you are dating or get involved with a married woman. Don’t believe a word she says. don’t fall in love with her. Don’t make any future plans with her. And don’t think she’s your situation is special, or that she is your soul mate, or that’s she’s anything other than a cheater who’s a disgusting enough person to betray her husband.

    If you think she’s betraying her husband and lying to him, you are a fool to think she wouldn’t betray or lie to you.

    • RL

      Great point!! I can tell you I had a very close relationship with a married woman for over 5 years…

      YES the sex is hot…
      YES its a perfect relationship at first with no strings attached like a never ending honey moon
      YES sneaking around is exciting at first
      YES it will feel like you have met your soul mate…

      AND YES it will rip your heart apart in the end… cause ultimately she will choose her husband (and kids, family life)

      OR

      She will come your way and the weight of everything she gave up to be with you will fall on your shoulders and the honeymoon will end and reality will set in…

      Its a bad situation and has absolutely no good or happy ending… you will bond with her deeply over time (perhaps even more because of what the situation is) and it will rip your heart out… affect your life and ruin you for a long time

      I am about 5 months out of this situation there is not a day that goes by I don’t think of her and I still “love” her… (BTW I put love in quotes because ultimately this is not what love is supposed to be… its infatuation or lust but really its not love…) NONE if the great stuff was worth it… I wasted my time with this cheating loser thinking it would lead somewhere while I could have been spending 5 years building something real with a single woman…

      WANT to feel like shit for a long time… Date someone married its sure to ultimately ruin your life and rip your heart out…

      IF your in this situation GET OUT NOW… don’t waste another day week year minute of time on a situation that just gets harder and harder to break free of…

      ULTIMATELY its easier in the long run when YOU take the step to end the relationship with her… If you step away its a big step towards restoring your dignity and self respect…

      Also if you are thinking of busting her to her husband my advice is DONT!!… IT will create drama and problems for all involved and ultimately you damaged him so why would you want to do it more… don’t worry KARMA will handle things and being angry or spiteful will not accomplish anything…

      Getting out and staying out will be HARD… very HARD… get a councillor or help… someone to talk to about what you are going through… its important to be able to talk about how you feel and work through the ton of emotions you are going to have…

      MAKE THE CUT absolute! 100% no half measures here cut her out of your life… your relationships… etc etc… do not speak with her… call her… text her… etc etc… BLOCK her number… BlOCK her on social media… if you share friends you might have to lose some friends it happens…

      LEAVE HER ALONE… its not worth it…!! The sooner you get out the sooner you get over her and find someone single, available and that deserves you

      REMEMBER SHE IS A CHEATER if you get with her you will be the next to be CHEATED ON… HOW will you trust that ever…

  131. Marci Morris

    What do you do if you want to leave your husband and he has suspensions that it’s for the other guy and has threatened to have him hurt?

  132. Silly old me

    How did i ever stumble upon this website I will never know. I always had seen myself to be incredibly loyal, faithful woman (yep, I’m the woman amongst this) to my husband. I met my husband 11 years ago and we fell madly in love. He is 3 years younger than me and I am now 31. We have two beautiful twin boys almost 3 years old.
    I don’t even know where to start with my story, I don’t even know how you lot could find the courage to spit it out, but I’m applauding you because I know how hard it is for you, my heart is in pain and my stomach has butterflies as I’m typing this.
    So first of all, i never knew I could question my love for my husband. I’ve always been madly in love with this man but since he started working on his business which is everything he’s always wanted, and I have always supported him, it blew up and we’re living a super comfortable life together. I had to leave my passionate job, to be a stay at home mum. And I’m find it it HARD. I have always worked full time long hours since I was 18, very career driven and then I met him, we dated for 8 years before he finally decided to marry me, and then took another year to finally give me the baby I wanted with him. (well, I got more than I bargained for and got twins) and then had to leave my job I loved, to stay home and be a mum. I honestly, can’t explain what the heck I have done wrong. I feel as if I should’ve revised my life 3 years ago. I seriously would’ve done anything to be in the shoes I am right now. But I’m feeling quite the opposite..
    Suddenly, I have met the love of my life only a couple of months ago.
    We have never had sex physically, but we have had phone sex and we toyed with each other on FaceTime when it was safe. I met this beautiful soul, and we have been talking every single day. His presence makes me tremble at my knees, his voice alone…. I shut my eyes and I could listen to him for ever. His breath and facial expressions, I cannot even describe the feeling I get when I am anywhere near him. Like I need to scream my lungs out to let every person in his world know how lucky I am to know such an amazing being. The way he looks at me, the way he talks, I can’t even bare a moment without him. But…. This is reality. So, we expressed so much to one another, I know his entire life as he does mine. What – the – heck – have – I – done. I love this man. I want to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
    But I am an idiot.
    Why? Because I feel that I have f****d up his life and he will never move on. And neither will I.
    Because we talk everyday, see each other everyday, it rang alarm bells on my end. I realised I was focusing on someone else and not my husband for a change. How did this happen… I don’t know!!!! I told “the other guy” that this is a shit of an idea and we have to stop this before we both get hurt any further. I said the longer we leave it the harder it’ll get… He refused to accept this. He said “please don’t leave me, I can’t be without you” those lone, few words, make me love him even more. Being wanted by him this much, makes me want to end life just so I can be with him afterlife. What the hell is this thought??? Who thinks like this !! Ive never ever in my world/life would see myself in this position. Anyway… So I stayed.
    I fell quite ill last week, and I’m the type of person that pushes on pretending like I’m all good. I guess you could say I cover up well. But this time, I needed help. That whole morning I kept getting long heart felt text messages and the attention I needed from “the other guy”. He kept telling me to go to the chemist, get some meds, so this do that, drop the kids off to get baby sat so I could rest, etc. and he even offered again to come and take care of me. Made me feel so amazing, knowing that this beautiful man cares so much for me.
    My husband came home later that day, not even a word or a phone call through the day, and he knew how sick I was the night before. I know he is busy, I don’t like and never liked to pry and be “the annoying wife” and that constantly carries on. So anyway, he came home and is usually used to me pushing on when I’m sick with flue or anything else like it, and let’s me go, but I honestly and truly wanted his help to move me about and ensure I was okay. But he didn’t. His words were “I’ll take care of the kids” I know that he meant well, but I wanted “I’ll take care of you” but I didn’t get that. It made me realise where I stood in his life. Kids are truly in fact always come first… Which is absolutely true. But I tackle things “multitaskingly” and always make sure Eveybodys taken care of at the same time. Even when all 3 are home sick. I got this. There have been many times that i wanted him to make me a cuppa or give me a massage when I needed it but he just… Isn’t that type of guy. .. Anyway so I lost it, and let him have it. I explained how unhappy I was with our marriage and my life. He knew there was someone else but I told him there wasn’t, so he wouldn’t get hurt. But we both know it’s a lie. He knows. I just know he knows and I know he knows that I’m not telling him the truth, wow what a mess of a sentence!!!! But he is super patient. After our blow up, I took a day off (kids were in daycare luckily that day) and I decided to do all the things I enjoyed. And when I did, I realised I have to do something about this. And I bluntly, took the leap and told “the other guy” that it has to be over. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to endeavour. He was a mess.. I was a mess… We promised each other that if one of us goes we will look for each other after life. (I don’t know why I’m even thinking like this) and it was a true, break up. We both cried, expressed and said our good byes, and I cannot, for the world of me, stop thinking about him. I cut people off quite happily, friends that were really friends, anyone that gets in the way, but… This guy, I cannot stop!!!!! I’ve had many relationships prior to my husband but I have never even felt like this with my husband when he broke it off with me when we were only 2 years in our relationship. His has been the hardest week of my life. I can’t come to realisation that u will never see “the other guy” again. I miss him so much… What have I done. Is this the right thing or am I missing out on experiencing life with him. We only have one life. And when I think like this, it makes me think “f**k it! Let’s do this!” But I have two kids with my husband. I don’t want to end up like my parents. Like my mother. And I don’t want to end up being that child without a parent and rebelled and hated her own father just because mum wasn’t there and then hated mum because she left my father for another man. Much like my situation! So ironic….
    I am seeing a therapist tomorrow to hopefully help me deal with things. I have chosen to give my husband a chance to change and I am also going to do my best to change for my husband. I am hoping I can see something new in him that will spark me, and I have also told my husband I will try my best to be the person he wants me to be. So I’m giving this a good shot. With the biggest heat ache of my life. Because I think about “the other guy” every second of the day, and I’m super worried that he’s not doing anything stupid. (He has said before he feels like he would end his life if I left him)… I won’t know because I’ve covered every alley to stop contact with him and it’s done and dusted. So I guess we will see tomorrow..

  133. Mark

    Twenty years ago I had a two week affair with a woman, she was single I had small children. My wife found out and we actually moved across the country.

    She married a year after our breakup, I think we both carried a torch for each other for all these years.

    Through all the years we kept in contact, we would only talk or email once a year or so just to catch up.

    As fate would have it we ended up in the same city just as my marriage is ending, I am getting divorced although the paperwork will not be signed for another two months.

    Her children are now 18 and 17, her marriage is on the rocks and she lives in a different room than her husband.

    The past two weeks we talk all the time,

    We had lunch recently, I can tell where this is headed, we have planned to see each other more as soon as I am divorced.

    She has told me that they will get divorced as soon as her youngest turn 18 and graduate.

    What to do for the next year, I can’t sleep and all I do is think of her

  134. Saleem

    I am married for 12 years with a disturbed relationship and no love for my wife. Then recently I fell in love with my Co worker, she is married too and claims to have a happy married life. When I disclosed my emotions, she cared for me and offered support to get me out of this. She talks to me listens to me and cry for me but she does not love me, she says so. She offers support but by listening me and got the assurance from me that I will not ask her for making love. I am head over heal in love with her and going through a lot of pain. Living without her seems impossible, I crave to see her and talk to her. We chat hours whenever she gets the chance from her married life.

  135. Southman

    Dear Dr. Jordan,
    I desperately need your advice on my situation. I am in love with a married woman. I am a 30 year old unmarried man in love with a 25 year old married woman with a kid, 11 months old. She totally detests her husband as he held her captive and got married. He abuses her constantly. The woman is beautiful but not well to do. Her husband too is not well to do but is rowdy-like. Since it was a marriage held according to customs,though forcefully and with deceit, the father of the woman could not get justice even in police stations and finally accepted the marriage and adviced her to accept her fate!
    The woman still doesn’t make eye contact with the husband as she hates him for her lost life.

    She however found love in me. It was an instant attraction between the two of us. It was followed by gazing for a few days led by some really great conversations. Her eyes used to light up at the sight of me. She constantly smiles when I’m around and loves having long conversations with me. She admitted her ordeal and said she is totally not happy with her marriage and won’t accept her fate lying low. She wants to do something about it.
    I love her very much too. I have cross-checked the veracity of her claims and they are 100% true. She is very honest, quite bold but lacks that emotional bond that she so deserves.
    Please suggest if I can go ahead and take my relationship with this woman forward? I am from South India and my parents are traditional. Though not a taboo or rare, marriage of an unmarried man with a married woman brings him some disrespect in the society. I’m not even bothered about others but want to know if I can marry the woman and lead a happy life? Her husband really is an abuser. Why should she suffer merely because she has been forced into a marriage?
    I find that my situation is quite different from the one analysed by you in the article. Hence seeking your advice.

    • Dr. Jordan

      Thank you Southman for your comment. Sounds to me that the next step is for her to do something about her marriage. The two options are change the relationship or leave it. This step is the hardest because people in her circumstance often try to stay in a “triangle” with another person (you) who promised to correct the faults of the abusive spouse. Problem is, triangles are always limited and never allow the love relationships in them to grow very much. In my opinion, your “role” while she is deciding what to do should be only “supportive” and wait for her to decide. Putting your relationship “on hold” until she decides may offer her some incentive to at least think a little more about what she has to gain and lose in this situation. Remember after a certain period of time (and you will determine how long you can tolerate) if no decision is made it is time to move on. Good luck. Dr.J.

      • Southman

        Dear Dr. Jordan,
        Thank you for your prompt reply. I now got a guideline on my future course of action and inaction. I truly value your advice.
        I shall get back to you when the need arises. For the last few days I was very anxious about my situation. Your words have calmed me. Thank you so much again.

  136. Mark

    Wow! I am so glad I found this website to tell my heartbreaking story. This will be a little long winded cuz there is a lot to tell so please be patient when reading. I am the other guy. 25 years ago I had an affair with a work colleague. We started out as friends in the work place. One weekend her husband was away so a group of us decided to hang out and go to the bar and blow off some steam, this was a Friday and we had so much fun we planned on all hanging out again on Saturday. Well everyone canceled but her and I decided to still go out. We preceded to have a wonderful time, dinner, drinks, really hit it off. I took her home when she asked if I wanted to come up for a bit to which my reply was “HELL YEAH”. We were both in our 20’s so I was all about having fun. We fooled around some but we were so tired from the night we both fell asleep. I woke in the morning getting to leave and she told me she loved me. I thought that was unusual and shrugged it off. Well it got serious from there, we both fell madly in love and it went on for about five years. At that time I was putting pressure on her to leave her husband. Her husband is a very abusive person mentally. Not very affectionate, has to be my way, very controlling person, even threatened killing himself if she ever left. She unfortunately is a very weak minded person and think on her own because of him. She does what he says. Well they decided to have kids which of course I was devastated. I continued seeing her while she was pregnant and finally one day said I can’t do this anymore, I was becoming a secondary thought as she was busy raising a family and not much time left for me. So I ended it! It was incredible painful as you could imagine. I never stopped thinking about her, still loved her to know end. Well 18 years went by and for some stupid reason I decided to reconnect with her through social media. We decided to meet one night for a drink to catch up. I was single and was still married to the same crazy man. They had two daughters, one a freshmen in college and the second a junior in high school. Well we went out and BAM!!! It started all over again, as if we never skipped a beat. We picked up right where we left off, still madly in love with each other. This time the passion and love was even stronger. She is without question my best friend, my lover, and my soulmate. By this time we are in the age of text messaging so we would text each other every day, sometimes with very explicit sexual content. This went on for 4 months even discussing our own marriage, looking at houses on line…I even researched wedding rings. She would tell me hang in there she’s working on it and she needs me and has to get away from him which by the way her daughters would even ask her why she was still with him, they just wanted her to be happy, life is too short, and then the husband started to get suspicious cuz he was cut off from her sexually and emotionally, her mind was clearly somewhere else. The husband had his 17 year old daughter hack into her social media account and he recovered all the text messages from their provider. BOOM it’s all out there now, we were caught! The husband in a fit of rage decided to read all the explicit messages off to her and in front of his 17 year old daughter in an effort to obviously turn her daughter against her which by the way her daughters are her entire life. She was then instructed to break all communication with me or else! They are now seeing a counselor/mediator leaving me in limbo not able to talk to her or see her. I am a complete train wreck! Not eating, not sleeping…I just hope that she can speak her mind, bleed from the heart tell the whole story, no more lies without worrying about him doing something to himself or me. I hope the counselor will help decide if they are fit for marriage and get her life back on track. So I am here now bleeding my heart to all of you.

  137. Anne

    Hi, I am the other woman. We were high school sweethearts (both married) when we reconnected 5 years ago. He was unhappy and so was I, both left our marriages, though he continued to co-habitats with his ex for 3 years due to financial reasons, not ready to sell their house and him wanting to avoid court. During this time, his wife contacted my ex-husband (still to this day, none of us are divorced), and the two of them began a 4-year full on affair as a result of our actions. During this time, his wife still cried and maintained that she loved my lover ( her husband). There were a couple in person confrontations between her and I, where she said he was still co-habitations with her, telling her he loved her, and was co-habit aging in the same bed the whole time over the 3+years. She even said they had been intimate and had oral sex on numerous occasions and that he told her he wanted to “work on things” with her and was no longer seeing me. Which I told her she was crazy and none of this was true, it was wishful thinking on her part and she read more into what her husband was saying, hearing only what she wanted to hear. Over the next few months I put my foot down, told him it was her or me. Finally on year 4, he moved out of their house for 15 months and got his own apartment. The whole time seeing me, spending time together, telling me he loves me – yet won’t move in with me, as his job is an hour commute from my house and says he won’t move in with me until the divorce is final; due to financial commitments he must wait until the house has sold in order for us to get a place together. I have attended his family reunions, holidays with his parents and brothers, and am considered now part of his family. It is understood that he is separated and that his marriage was over long ago, they also know of her affair with my husband/ex. Fast forward to 5 years – after 15 months, he has moved back into the house he shares with his wife. He has been back 5-1/2 months. He states that they share different rooms and it is strictly a roommate situation- she has no job and nowhere else to go. She has since cut off all contact with my ex, he calls me to discuss this often, as he cannot understand how she cut him off so cold, will no longer speak to him for the past 5 months – he really loves her. I feel sorry for him. I still continue to see my lover, we are planning a future together. I understand his living arrangements but am wondering how much longer this will last. My ex called me about a month ago and told me his friend witnessed them together at a beach, this friend also knows her. Friend said they were camping together, headed down th coast. Now mind you, my lover told me he was there by himself, texted me the whole time, says he was there to take pictures with his camera (it’s his hobby). I believe him. When is she going to get a life and move on? Why doesn’t she leave the house, since he is the one paying for it. I think this woman has done enough damage to all of our lives. He is still paying for her everything! My lease is up in December, I’m anxious to have our life together and tiring of waiting/hearing about her. Can you give me any advice on this crazy situation?

  138. Jay

    I am the ‘Other Guy’. Have been told today that she cant loose what she has so we cant continue as her hubby knows. She wants to work it out however it will be so difficult us not talking anymore.

    Have been making plans for us however its now ended like this. Worse thing is we both know how much we love each other and what a good future we would have. This is really hard and I cant take her out of my mind – emotionally and physically drained. There is something so special about her…I guess wrong place, wrong time.

  139. Tom

    Dr. T,
    This is the best advice article I have found after many searches. I am the other man. We started two years ago. She was my neighbor and her husband worked nights. It was just physical. I told myself I had that without the commitment and was happy. After a year we started saying we loved each other. I told her she had a year to decide if she wanted to be with me. Probably not a great move in hindsight if I wasnt ready to accept the worse case scenario. But, 2 months ago she bought a house. She has had it for six weeks total now. Things were fine. Two weeks ago, she suddenly stopped talking to me for 3 days (we talked/texted) constantly for 2 years. When I finally texted her, she just replied that she is having a hard time missing her family (3 kids). 3 days after that she said it was best if we stop speaking all together. She gave a small window of explanation (about 10 minutes) to me a couple of nights ago. Now will not return a text or call. The house she and her husband were selling is now off the market. And they are facebook friendly once again. I listened to her say she was unhappy and she was treated poorly and supported and listened to her for 2 years without judgement to him or her. Just tried to be a good friend as I believe that is the basis for love relationships as well. I feel betrayed, lied to, sick, and like I lost my best friend. It just crumbled and went away in a very small window of time. And she appears to have decided and committed to it with very little regard to tell or explain anything to me. I am only writing to get some of it out of me. I know the healthy things are to move on, stop contact, be active, grow, etc. It is just very hard when your brain and body are consumed with “what the world happened’….Thanks for the article.

  140. The other guy

    I’m the other guy. She said she in love with me but she lives with her baby daddy. I see her from time to time 3 days a week, before it was everyday. She said she doesn’t want problems in her household because they kicked her out. She tells me she is afraid and is hesitate to be with me I love her so much. Can’t stop thinking about her. We plan on getting married, but now she doesn’t want to live with me. Don’t know if I should keep fighting for this love I have for her. We are super happy roster. The other guy is a hard role to play because you become attach and you start to truly care.

  141. my name is Jurrell and I have a crush on a very beautiful and loving woman and shes my everything she was there for me a lot and now I stay with her. We flirt with one another at times but I just dont know what else to do far as giving her iteams of love such as balloons, cards, chocolete ext But she only sees me as baby boy. HEIP WHAT SHOULD I DO ,her husband is just not cutting it.

  142. Sid

    We both in love but she is living with her husband nd it’s hurts me nd she have a kid what should I do please help me out she said we can’t marry…

  143. Jones

    Wow. This this hits so close to home! In my case I was the other man and she was the other woman. Both in very bad marriages, mine at the beginning 16 years and hers 3, but together living 9. She is 10 years younger than me but very aligned on interest. I own a contracting business and did work for THEM when they purchased a new home. She is a school teacher so off in the summer when work was being done. She was coming on to me at first. Texting me all hours of the day and night with wierd things, unusual stuff as a customer. I would send employees because of my fear of falling into something I had never done, cheat on my wife! She would express disappointment in late night txt that it wasn’t me. I was Extreamly attracted to her but needed to fight it off, but temptation finally took over and I ended up being the guy. It started out working closely together changing doorknobs, lighting etc. All the things most people do when they purchase a new home and things her husband was unwilling or couldn’t do. This continued thru the summer and become playfull touching and at one point after a couple months she asked me to kiss her. She always felt that kissing was a point she wouldn’t want to cross. After that she told me summer was almost over and we needed to end this. Summer fling as she called it. It didn’t and intensified even more to a point she would take off work and we would spend the day together making out in a park or something. Finally one evening 5 months in she emailed me because she was home alone and asked me to come see her. She told me if I did she would let me do to her what she said we would never do. SEX! I did and she was a woman of her word because we did and it was so great because of months of emotions leading up to it. This became a regular thing as well as just meeting her at her home during the summer and bring her a morning coffee, helping her shower, putting lotion on her and helping her dress. During the working days we would see each other at minimum 3 days a week usually 2 at a hotel and one for a couple beers after work or simply meeting at a park. Sometimes she would take a Friday off and we would spend a whole day with each other in a hotel go home and meet again Saturday morning and spend the day in the hotel again. Often in the fall months her husband would work at a bar all day and evening on game days and she would invite me to her home and we would spend the day together. The sexual part continued for another 6 months before I confessed my love to her. She always wanted to know how I felt and what I was thinking and even tho she told me to never tell her that it was like she wanted to hear it, so I did. She did not respond in kind by telling me because she is married she can’t allow herself to feel the same but told me she had feelings that are in the same level. We agreed not to say or discuss that again. But it seem to intensify the sex and the emotions to a point it felt to both of us that we were together and we were in someways cheating on each other by still being with our partners. Both of our spouses by this time were suspicious of us. I was forbidden by my wife to talk to her and her husband would not allow me to work at their home anymore. We still continued to see each other almost daily at this point and I purchased burner phones for us to talk to each other during the day. She would call me before she even pulled out of driveway in the mornings and as soon as she was on lunch break that is if we weren’t meeting for lunch and again after work if we weren’t meeting. By this time we are 17 months into our relationship and 12 months into our sexual relationship. Zero fights and talked successfully thru all disagreements. The part I haven’t mention is the fact she has a 3 year old son and as we got closer I think she feared being a parttime mom and that scared her to death. She started talking about cooling things off and trying to maintain a friendship but every time it lead to touching, kissing and sex (at her request). I NEVER pushed her from day one, I let her have total control of our time together. She would tell me we are each other’s type but wished we had met 5-years prior. She started talking about not wanting to be this kind of woman anymore and one night about a year ago we spent evening in a hotel after great sex she just wanted me to hold her as I often did when we had time. She was crying and was trying to cover it. We were emotionally closer that evening than we ever had been. She was so freaked out on her way home that night she threw the phone out her window and had to start calling me from work. She kept telling me we needed to end soon but she didn’t have the strength to and was relying on me to do it. I couldn’t either. Her husband knew she was emailing me so she had to stop that for fear he would find a way to see them. It was December by now and she was getting ready to go on winter break meaning we had no way to communicate for 3 weeks. And she always told me not to contact her. If I don’t hear from her everything is ok. If things are not ok she would call me. Even after she was back to work she waited another week before calling me. We spoke for an hour or so and she was crying and just kept saying I can’t be this woman anymore and I can’t be a parttime mom. All of which I reassured her I would not ask her to be. She basically was ending it but promised we would see each other one last time as friends only and it would be a week or two. It was basically for us to decide how to move on. This is now 19 months in to our relationship and 14 of it sexual. A month went by and she finally called. It was in the morning and only had a few to talk. I had had a pretty bad accident and was telling her about it. She called me back after work and said she was freaked out all day thinking I could have been killed and she would have never known. We talked a little more about breaking up but she had to get to the sitter to get her son, but promised to call back within a week. Two months went by and no contact at all. I decided to call her at work and left a msg for her to call me (an option she gave me if this ever happened months prior). She was not happy I called but I reminded her it was an option she gave me. She remembered but I was talking to a totally different woman! After we got thru the small talk I mentioned something about friendship and she stopped me mid sentence and told me “we are not friends” she said she tried that but didn’t work. She said we can never lay eyes on each other again. She told me I need to move on while crying and saying she doesn’t want to think about me being with somebody else. She told me not to ever contact her otherwise it would be harassment. Then she asked if I had anything to say. I told her I have a bunch but sounds like none of it is what she wanted to hear. She agreed and started to cry again and was like that’s it. I was hurt so I said yes that is it. She had to go to pick up her son but both of us were crying by now and all I could do was tell her I have no regrets and I would always be here for her if she needed and then goodbye. It’s been 6 months since that call, 10 months since I last touched her and I thought by now I would be over her. But instead I want her more and there is still an equal amount of hurt. I still think about her all the time. I still dream about her. I try not to, but just can’t help it. She is truly the greatest woman I have ever been blessed enough to be with so I try to focus on that. I always told her I want her to simply be happy whatever that happiness is. And she told me during that last conversation that if I truly love her like I say I do that I need to let her do this and she is right but it hurts so much. I’m always hoping for an email or a call that I’m sure by now I won’t get. And I feel everyday that goes by there is less of a chance of ever hearing from her again. I find myself wondering after all that great time together if she still misses me or am I just somebody to hate for it felt that way in that last phone call. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Thanks for this format to vent. Nobody in my circle knows anything about this and it is hard not having somebody to talk to about it.

  144. Ryker

    Holy bananas. I love this blog piece so much. The last year of my life has been a whirlwind. I separated from my wife of 20 years and during that separation ended up meeting a woman who, initially, I had no interest in. I was working on the things I knew I needed to work on in my own life after the wife and I split in order to find the best version of the man I wanted to be (again). More or less, a rediscovery of self and a making of amends to my wife, regardless if we stayed together or not, during the separation.

    After we had been separated long enough I decided I no longer wanted to work on the marriage, but wasn’t quite ready for divorce. That’s when I met the other woman, who was married. Things progressed slowly as I did not want to get involved with her. But through talking and getting to know one another, I came to find that she too was in a really tarnished marriage and was white knuckling her way through it. Coping each day by being a workaholic and sinking all of her free time into their child. It wasn’t working, obviously.

    One night she texted me to come have dinner with a group, but when I got there it was just her as already had already left. We ended up having our first kiss that night, and I’m no babe in the woods. I’ve been on a few rodeos and my whole body trembled as we kissed. From there, we would see each other two or three times a week. We’d meet for coffee or at the park. There was nothing physical/sexual going on. I enjoyed the time with her, and just having someone to have conversation with again as most of my time was spent in solitude.

    It felt safe because there was no sex. I realized later, what was happening was that we were doing all the RIGHT things in order to build trust and intimacy into the relationship so that by the time love making arrived, it was going to be far more meaningful and impacting than if we had just rushed into that.

    When we were intimate, it was the most gratifying of my life. And was every single time. I hate to sound cliche, but yes, we had an amazing connection emotionally and physically that transcended anything I had ever experienced before. We ended up going on trips together for business and of course, our feelings became even deeper and my love for her was more than I had ever had for anyone in my life. Including my wife of 20 years.

    She came out about the affair and we “ended” things for a while back in July. For about three weeks. Then we reconnected and went back into things, but it was “less” than before. Not feelings wise, but she was far more guarded about seeing me because she was scared of us getting caught and because she was dealing with so much internal guilt and conflict about the infidelity and our affair.

    We left for a long trip a few weeks ago, spent 5 whole days together, came home, and ended it. I saw her briefly the other night due to business and she was having hot flashes being around me, and was jittery. At the end of the night I walked her out to her car, and we kissed and she said she missed me. But she was different. Hard to explain, but more distant than she had been.

    I would spend my life with this woman. I would be committed to her and spend everyday until I died proving that giving us a chance would be worth it. However, after reading this article and another on one here (and trust me, I’ve read PLENTY) from what I can tell, for us to really have a chance together, breaking it off, and letting her figure out her marriage is actually my best and really only hope of that happening. That staying in the triangle doesn’t force her to fix the problem.

    It’s counter intuitive because you WANT so badly to hold on, out of fear of losing that person, but if I’m getting this right then my best course of action is to let her do what she needs to do in regards to fixing her marriage to find out if she can or can’t stay, and do my best not to ruminate in this pain and anguish of being without her.

    Tell me if I’m hitting the nail on the head, Dr. Jordan. Thank you!!!

    • A Sherman

      So many similarities in my own life. How to let go when you love them so much? When you let go do you move on or patiently wait in the wings in silence?

  145. Jones

    Dr Jordan,

    I would be particularly interested in your thoughts about her mindset when leading up to the end as discribed above. Her husband treated her horribly and that wasn’t just her saying that I witnessed it on several occasions. She was constantly crying when she would call me in the mornings then she would try to cover it by appologizing for venting in the evenings. She often explained she is not sure he was the one, but he checked most of her boxes as she would say. I think her child plays a bigger role in her decision than he does, because she told me she wanted to work it out until he was at least 5. In her mind she would be able to be a single mom better for him financially and personally by then. That now is a little over a year from now.

    In addition I would love to hear from any woman who have found themselves in her spot and what there mindset was at the time and how it all ended up.

    Thanks so much!

  146. Dalton

    Dr. Jordan and anyone on this site who could give me some good advice or help or hopefully encouragement,

    Ok I read all the comments so I couldnt wait to share my story, I am the “other man” in a relationship at the moment with a woman I love with my whole heart. She is now pregnant with my child which she has kept a secret from her husband. She has other children with her current husband. I feel sometimes so lonely when she only has time to see me a few times a week for a few hours a time. Of course with the limited time since she busy with family and work we make love during our limited time. The sex is great but afterwards after a short cuddling and pillow talk she says that famous words I hate, “well I got to leave now” She know how this hurts me but we both just try our best to ignore this and enjoy our time together. We been together for 8 months now, her mood will swing alot, like sometimes she will say yes I want to marry you then sometimes she says she doesnt. Recently I have decided I need to stop bringing up the word marriage to her because I can tell she dont want to have that kind of commitment yet. Sometimes I feel like she uses me just for sex and sometimes I feel she trully loves me. She knows I love her with everything and she also knows she has me wrapped around her finger. I cant compete with her husbands work check, even though I make enough to be able to take care of her and the children. On the days I get very depressed I am able to snap out of it and I do this by remembering how lonely I was before I met her because I didnt have much of a love life I quess because I just didnt really put much effort into meeting someone. I just spent and wasted too much time in video games and other sports and jacking off I quess kept me satisfied. But wow let me tell you since I am with her everything changed, I basically just go to work and stay home patiently waiting for her to visit me the few times a week. I tried go back to my hobbies but I get too sad and quit them fast cause they remind me of my lonely years. But now these new lonely years are tough also cause when she leaves me to go back home to be with her family I feel so lonely like in space on a distant planet and my bed is so empty I get depressed and sleep on the couch. But hey like I said I quess this new type of lonely is better than the lonely I felt before I met this wonderful woman. I know I will never break up with her ever, I think she knows this also, so what do I do ? Just enjoy the limited time I have with her and try my best not to pressure her about marrying me ? Cause we had a few arguments in past because I put too much pressure on her wanting more when she dont have that much time spend with me. Seems like the only way to make her happy all the time is to not give her any pressure at all and let her control the boat and steer the steering wheel and be in total control. When I chill out and totally relax and let her call or text me its like bliss and she relaxed happy. So I learned hard way with her to just let her be in control. Frustrates me sometimes cause I want deeper relationship with her. We do talk sometimes but its mostly sex with some times of deep emotional talking like about marrying each other and how much we care for each other. She does have intimacy problems like she dosent enjoy kissing or oral sex but I quess some women have this issue also. Please any advice out there how I can be the best I can be for her so one day a miracle will happen and she wakes up one morning and wants to finally be my wife ? Her husband is always gone and she thinks he cheats on her also, they have sex like once a month and sleep in different bedrooms for years. I dont feel sorry for him because she is a wonderful woman who deserves a man like me to love her and her children for the rest of my life. Thank you for anyones comments for me in advance, Dalton

    • Sam

      Love is not about possession it’s all about appreciation. Appreciate what you have, remember the days when you don’t have.

  147. Juanita Juniper

    I am the married woman. Please tell me why this single person, who I am very kind and understanding of and not at ALL demanding of, seems to pull me close emotionally, revealing intimate things about himself, then backs off for days and days, then comes back to pull me back in. I don’t want to be in the situation I am in, I wish I wasn’t, but at the same time I enjoy my time with this person and feel so alone sometimes. I just don’t need the stress of wondering what he’s thinking all the time. I can’t handle halfway in, halfway out of a relationship. Do you know what he’s doing? Is it a game? I know I need to just walk away, and I will probably today if nothing changes.

    • Sam

      Do you want to marry him? If not then how does it matter to you. If yes, then it’s the same risk as with any other guy.

  148. Vishal Patil

    I loved a girl for 3 years since my childhood when we grown up she went with her parents and and loved another guy and married to him now she is not happy with him and contacted me again again and we have a affair now I don’t know what as she was the only girl whom I ever loved she has two kids now help me out

  149. A Sherman

    I came looking for something to help and I think reading these comments have made me feel worse. i have been married for almost 30 years and have never even thought of infidelity. Not that my marriage wasn’t lacking but more of lack of self-worth. A year ago at a conference I kissed a colleague, at that instant my life changed. I have never felt anything more exciting and meaningful. You can chalk it up to the alcohol or the moment of passion but my feelings have grown exponentially since. For the first time I became truly honest with what made me happy / unhappy. I went home to my wife and explained all of the things that made me unhappy and the fighting started and didn’t end. I felt like I gave my whole life and when I asked for a little in return she wasn’t capable. This can quickly turn into all the reasons of why and placing blame but I will leave that for the therapists.
    Fast forward a year and here I am. The other woman is also married and is still with her husband. I moved out 6 months ago and am currently filing for a divorce. I have made myself available for just minutes of her time. A secluded parking lot here or there or on the rare occasion my place. She had always told me that she loved me and I responded the same. We are truly best friends and talk about everything. Recently she completely pulled away, something that she said she would need to do someday, to work things out and make a decision. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. There was no warning just no more seeing the love of my life. We still talk but even that is stressed. There is no time frame from her and I am struggling. I have never been alone and now I feel like I am truly there. To desperately want the attention of a person who can’t or won’t give it and at the same time being offered it constantly by the person who has inflicted so much pain that I couldn’t even imagine accepting. I feel like I am losing my mind along with any shred of self respect I have left. I try and fill my time by working out or doing something productive but it doesn’t help. I can’t sleep, I can’t turn my brain off. Every time the phone goes off my hearts skips a beat only to be disappointed in the results. Why does this hurt so bad and how can I stop setting myself up for disappointment. I am so jealous of everyone in her life that gets to spend time with her, what I wouldn’t give for even just a few minutes….

  150. Gem

    This is the third time i am commenting here and This time with a positivity.
    I have finally got Guts to end it after 5 years(I dont know how time got lost).
    Some points based on my experience
    1)No matter how steamy/passionate/intimate the chemistry is.Ended it.She isnt yours as long as the husband is involved.
    2)If she with to be with for more than a year. he would leave her husband .If she isnt leaving her husband that means you are just a option.
    3)It might look near to impossible to live without her, I was in that phase too . Have strong will power and distance from her for a month . you will be amazed by your transformation.
    4)Most of us get involved in such arrangement because we are told/made to feel that we are better than the husband . That is just a bait to keep you in relationship.
    5)We are always stuck between doing whats easy and doing wats right. Ending is the right thing to do.Man up.
    6)Most importantly , Its a dead end.there absolutely is no future.You may feel superior by being there for her instead of her husband .But in reality , We all are just losers .

    If you ever decide to end which you will someday.Be prepared to be harassed by her for ruining her marriage or not being compared with her husband or being just humiliated. DO NOT fall into the trap.
    Rest of things is Mentioned in the blog .take care Man!

  151. Leandro Guimmaraes

    This is by far one of the best articles I have read because it nails it. I’m “The Other Man” and met an extraordinary woman three years ago. We hit it off really well from the get go and became instant friends and began talking. We worked in the same area and see each other every week. Suddenly she started flirting with me and began calling me “sweetheart” or “love” even when I knew she was married for 20 years and with children. She kissed me one day and went along with it. It was exciting to be with someone and enjoy the thrill. Our meetings continue and we kissed, hug and enjoyed each other.. She also became a great friend and enjoy talking to her. She is truly an awesome person. That all continued up until last year where the intimate meet ups cooled down but continued talking to each other. I had every opportunity to date other girls but I was emotionally attached and loyal to her. How ironic that I was loyal to someone who was not loyal to their spouce. I sent her cute text messages to her every night and she liked them. I continue doing it because of my feelings for her even when she told me that our “thing” was never going to flourish but I continued trying to keep that spark alive.

    During the recent days I have come to the conclusion that what I have been doing is wrong. I see the old pictures of her and her husband on Facebook with the family and guilt invades my heart. Part of me is hopeful that we can hook up again and have the opportunity of kissing her again but I know I did wrong, She has a family and children. Now after a few years I realize that I need to stop this and detach all my feelings for her. I don’t text her as often but we communicate only for work related issues. It will be impossible to cut all communication because of our jobs. I sometimes wonder of we she did this if she apparently had a strong marriage and a very supportive, loving husband according to her social media posts a few months before we met. He seems like a hard working guy and a good father. When I see pictures of them I feel guilt. Thinking that she wakes up next to him and gives them the goodbye kiss when they go to work. They gone out to trips and have a two decade marriage. Why did she do this? I’m guilty of being part of this and feel bad now.

    I would hate to lose her friendship since her presence has given me strength but at the same time I need to keep distance. I’m in that phase that I have started to realize that we won’t be a couple and need to stop investing my feelings for her and continue fighting to eliminate any emotional attachment to her.

    There are lots of career projects in the future for me and I would like to date and find someone to love.

  152. Cloche

    Excellent article, consistent with my own story.

    She was the one true love of my life – my ‘soul mate’.

    Boy, did I fall hard for her.

    I was in my mid forties, living with my wife of 19 years and our two teenage
    children in a middle class suburb of a big East coast city. For at least 15 of those
    years I was aware that I had made a truly disastrous choice of life partner – not a
    bad person exactly, but entirely unsuitable for me – and after years of couples
    counseling together, had come to the depressing realization that this was all my
    marriage would ever be; we just did not have the raw materials to build a happy life
    together. I would never have an affair – I’d witnessed first hand the destruction
    this caused in my own family growing up – but was terrified of the consequences of
    filing for divorce. I was trapped, and paying a heavy, heavy, price for what I saw
    as doing the right thing.

    And then I met her.

    She lit me up inside. I felt alive like I have never felt before, and blah, blah,
    blah…. Well, I guess we all know this part, don’t we?

    I divorced immediately, knowing that a future together was a long shot, but
    absolutely determined to try for it. I guess in retrospect that this was the
    catalyst I had needed all those years to finally act. I would patiently wait for her
    while she worked out the details of an amicable divorce, so rescuing her from the
    miserable marriage she too was trapped in. We would build a happy blended family
    together, our friends and families would rejoice at this positive development for
    the two of us, and all would be rainbows and unicorns.

    What can I say? Fog logic.

    He confronted the two of us 7 months in.

    I had filed for divorce at this point, was now living in a nice apartment around the
    corner from my ex and the children’s school, and working hard to create my own happy
    home for the children, of whom I now shared joint custody. And I was encouraging her
    to follow suit and, in time, join me. This might have been her moment to do so
    because he seemed to be inviting frank and open discussion as to just how we might
    all of us realign and move forward. He himself had ended a long term affair just a
    year or two prior – perhaps he saw this as his own way out too? I’ll never really
    know.

    Instead, however, she chose to deny the full depth of our involvement and remain
    married while attempting to maneuver him into leaving her. And for
    reasons I have never fully understood, she somehow succeeded in leveraging him into
    tolerating our ongoing relationship, which continued on for another 4 1/2 years. I
    think now, perhaps, that while the romance was for me an exit affair, for her it was
    a way of coping with her marriage; she is the quintessential split-self.

    We began playing ‘house’, acting as much like a couple as our circumstances would
    allow, though in retrospect, of course, I see that we were living in the bubble. My
    family all met and liked her, my friends knew her – we even met with a therapist
    together once a week – and so the lines became even more blurred. We were in
    constant contact, met most days, and she was in my every waking thought. She got
    inside my head, and I began to see the world, and our affair, through her eyes. In
    so doing, I steadily relinquished more and more power over myself – a pattern for
    me, I now see – steadily losing sight of my own needs and sense of what was right
    for me. She encouraged me to feel sorry for her.

    It took me a very long time, but from observing her (in)actions I was steadily
    piecing together a more complete picture of who she actually is, as opposed to who I
    wished her to be. And as one deadline after another sailed by, I was also reaching
    the inescapable conclusion that – and despite all that she was telling me: “meant to
    be together”, “moving steadily towards me”, “retaining a lawyer”, “mediation with
    her husband”, “discussing parenting schedules” and so on – in the years we had been
    together she had not, in fact, taken one single concrete step toward actually
    making herself available, let alone building any real kind of future together. It
    was all just words – a beautiful seductive fantasy we had constructed together.

    For 5 long years she strung me along like this.

    I eventually had this epiphany: if she truly wanted to be with me, well, then,…
    she would be.

    While I loved her absolutely, I concluded that we were never actually going to be
    able to meet one another’s needs, and that moreover, our respective needs were in
    fact fundamentally incompatible: mine, to marry, blend our two families, and live
    happily ever after; hers, to retain full custody of her children without sacrifice
    to her home, friends, marriage, or wealth, while having her emotional needs met
    outside the marriage.

    The first time I ended our affair was in 2011; well, that lasted all of a day. We
    began talking, now as ‘friends’, and within a week or so were right back where we
    had been.

    Over the next 3 years I tried several times to walk away, though each time in my
    heart of hearts I was really hoping that she would break the radio silence and
    return to me with something tangible – something that would disprove my fear that I
    was being strung along. And yet, at the same time, I was becoming increasingly
    uncomfortable with the growing realization that far from rescuing her, I was in fact
    colluding with her in what was basically just appallingly selfish behavior, and that
    our ‘relationship’ was not so much beautiful as unhealthy and really rather
    destructive. That not only was I being conned, but that I was willfully
    participating in the flim-flam, and, in fact, conning myself.

    Things got increasingly weird towards the end: she moved precious possessions into
    my basement while I was at work without telling me, as if to say “see? i’m getting
    ready to leave Any Day Now…”) – during (yet another) period of NC my she anonymously
    emailed my ex-wife of 5 years with a character assassination of me – I myself
    received anonymous emails from her ‘worried friend’ (also her) – and all manner of
    other nonsense.

    In the Autumn of 2014, I knew I must call it. She had now had more than 5 years to
    take meaningful steps towards being with me, or at the very least, propose some sort
    of timeline that would lead to us eventually being together. Instead, it was now
    clear that she was waiting for someone else to break the stalemate for her.

    And so I finally manned up and walked away. I have had no contact with her since.

    *

    In addition to sitting at the apex of the triangle, exactly as described in the article, It now seems clear to me that she also possesses many of the traits of a borderline personality disorder. I believe she is what they call a ‘quiet borderline’; she would consistently use the ‘silent treatment’ to great effect to push my buttons, and is now busy ensnaring another good man, her next door neighbor. And yet I still miss her, even though she has split me black.

    Jonathon

  153. Edwin Carrero

    I have been in a love triangle for 20 years. At first we were both married when we were practicing infidelity. I decided to get divorced because when the thought of losing the married woman I had fallen so deeply in love drove me to that point. She did not leave her husband because he had threaten to take her kids away from her. We kept seeing each other and her husband knew about the relationship. When her daughter got married and had a child the distance began. I went from seeing her three times a week to once and this was with some fighting. Her daughter child has now become her own. We still see each other only when I am taking her to school for perhaps a 1/2 and hour and sometimes for a two hours. The funny thing is that the new girlfriend I have her daughter is going with her son. I have tried to go on but I just find myself attracted to this woman. I just not able to let go. I think that 20 years if a long time to just leave someone who I never even got the opportunity to spend the night with. I keep reading and researching these type of article in hope that something clicks and I move on.

  154. Bobsays

    I am the other man. We snatch hours here and there and her work is not too far from me. But it can be painfully lonely when she rushes out the door looking at her watch – when only moments before we were in full sexual glow mode. I promise myself to end it but never do. She has the advantage of always being busy – having to rush from here to there – but I am always left behind and wonder when she can scrape together another few hours away from her work or home. It isn’t an ideal place to live.

  155. Ivan

    i cannot say that i am a victim of one of these triangles because i knowingly agreed to it despite all the pain i would endure in the end. the married woman is a close friends wife or was a close friend. since day 1 this friend has bad mouthed me to his wife thinking i was some type of threat to his marriage. i am fit, with tattoos and fairly young, not to boast about myself those are just the qualities she claims to like in me physically. her dilemma is that she is unhappy in her marriage because her husband is a video game junkie and a drug addict, he does not work since he is an illegal alien in the states, and she brings in all the income of the household. they have 2 kids together one being a newborn. i was not allowed to even be close to his family or know anyone in his family for the longest and he spoke so badly of me that his family stayed away. after finally meeting me awhile ago she found me a very nice gentleman with the upmost respect for women and husband qualities. our fiasco has just ended and the only thing i can think of is seeing her again. theres nobody i can even speak to on this thats why i searched this website to post my problem. i have a girlfriend and we are not that deep in the relationshipfor one is that we have no real connection. i dont know if it is love that i feel but i wouldnt doubt it. ive had a comma due to a car accident in my youth and since then i have had committment issues with women in relationships. during my recovery and emmory loss the woman i was with at the time used me for 5k of my earned money and treated me as a financial puppet. havent gotten emtional with another woman since always have been closed off not letting anyone near my inner emtion side. until this woman. when shes even close to me forget that…when she walks into the room my attention automatically turns to her, my heart races, and my eyes become fixated on hers. what do i do? do i just take the pain and continue with my life or do i fall into a slight depression knowing i may never see her again? please help..

  156. Bob

    I’m newly in the triangle. Before it started, it was incessant flirting. We work in the same building. I didn’t want to be in the triangle, and I told her that. Unfortunately I am weak and she aroused me physically. This led to the sexual relationship. I’m barely two weeks into this and My life hascbeen turned upside down. I’m addicted to her . I crave her. And I also feel like I’m being played, but I can’t do anything about it. I feel so lost. I just got out of a messy divorce, and now I’m back in to what will probably be a nightmare. I feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety. Sometimes I wish I could disappear. I hate myself. I am trapped.

  157. Mike

    This article was so accurate that when I read it I felt myself reliving my situation. I was the other man with a married woman that started out as my friend for 4 years prior. I was also friends with her husband and we met eachother on their second date. From day one we felt a connection with eachother that was on the soul level but it wasn’t sexual in nature. Just a feeling of belonging, home and acceptance. I tried to convince both of them not to marry, I new the hubby was abusive and putting on his best face and they didn’t go together. they married 6mo after they met and the day after the wedding the abusive manipulating controlling side of the hubby I warned of came out. For four years we remained strictly friends till one day it happened. We hooked up and an affair insued for the next 8 years. She always promised me the world that she was going to leave but she never did and in fact I caught her with someone else and ended it. She has had multiple affairs since I’ve been gone and it hurts so much to know I was replaceable and I didn’t just lose my lover but my best friend. What kind of friend would do what she did to me though right? It’s been two years and I’m no closer now to getting over her than I was the day we ended things

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