How To Live Without Love In Your Life

Bath_Melancholy

This article is a little different than the others I have written on this blog. The objective here at the Love Life Learning Center has always been to help bring as much love into the world as possible through learning.

Nevertheless, there are people in the world who are trying to cope with the absence of love in their lives either by choice or circumstance, temporarily or long-term.

In an effort to try to be helpful to this group of people, I’ll talk about the psychological state of living without love and I’ll offer a few tips that may make this state of mind at least understandable, if not easier to cope with. First and foremost, living without love requires psychological defenses. Why?

Because we as human beings are all born with a need for love built into our natures. Left in its natural state, this need for love will generate feelings from joy to frustration and hurt depending upon the extent to which the need is actually satisfied. For a lot of people, childhood is the last time in their lives when their need for love was experienced in its original unadulterated state.

What generally happens is interpersonal experiences over the course of our lives, starting with the experiences we have in our families of origin, ‘shape’ and ‘transform’ the ways in which we will experience this inborn need for love going into adulthood. Some adults experience their need for love in pretty much the same ways they experienced it as children. For other adults, the feelings that are usually generated from their need for love have long since been muted. Everybody else is somewhere between these two extremes.

Most people are subjected to some feelings generated from their unsatisfied need for love. Unfortunately, the worlds we live in are not always giving of love and kindness. In too many instances an ‘undefended’ need for love left exposed to the harder elements of life will result in unnecessary disappointment, hurt, and pain. People with a need for love that cannot be satisfied for whatever reason at this time in their lives have no other option than to develop psychological defenses against the feelings emanating from their unsatisfied need for love.

Broadly defined, psychological defenses are the things we think, feel, and do that can stop another set of undesirable thoughts, feelings, or actions from taking place. Even though most psychological defenses are practiced in a habitual manner, sometimes with very little consciousness, ultimately with a little self-awareness we do have a say about which defenses we practice. The thing to remember about psychological defenses is, we all practice them to one degree or another, and to practice them in a constructive and healthy manner is the objective.

You’ll know that your personal use of psychological defensiveness has become self-destructive when what you are ‘practicing’ is no longer under your control. In other words, your psychological defenses are in control of you instead of the other way around. At which point you’ll probably experience a conflict between what you really want or need and what you’ll let yourself have.

If the circumstances of your life require that you live without feeling the effects of an absence of love in your life, there are a bunch of defenses tailor made for living without love. Most people who are trying to cope with the loss or absence of love will use one or more of the following defenses: stay distant from people you could feel chemically attracted to; stay busy; keep yourself distracted; deny the importance of love in your life; numb yourself with alcohol and/or drugs; tell yourself that people are not to be trusted; and ignore everything related to love.

By the way, remember that your psychological defenses generally work in two directions at the same time, they diminish the impact of what’s coming at you from the outside world (another person’s need for love), and diminish the impact of what’s coming at you from the inside world (your own need for love).

When conditions in your life have changed and you’re in a better position to allow yourself to feel your need for love and the needs of the people around you, you’ll be withdrawing from these psychological defenses. It’s sort of like giving up a stifling habit you’ve gotten used to that once had a purpose but have now outgrown.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan

 

92 Responses to How To Live Without Love In Your Life

  1. Randy Carter

    I am 60 years old and have lived my whole life without love. No relationships, no wife, no children. I can say from experience that loneliness is crushing, and rejection breeds rejection. I am amazed I have not killed myself. But once you have reached a certain age, and love is no longer in the cards, the desperation to find love gives way to a realization that the search is over and you will be lonely forever. For some it is just the hand they are dealt. So what comes next? I’m waiting to find out.

    • Anita

      Thank you for sharing this Randy. I am much younger than you but feel my story will be very similar. I agree it is crushing. It is easy to live without a companion when it is temporary; when it is permanent it is painful.

      • jony

        i am one of those weirdos that love being alone (except i do have a faithful pet), and i am an old dude. seems most if not all coupled people do it because they are afraid of being alone. (btw studies have shown the major reason people have children is to have some to take care of them when they are at the end). so they abdicate and couple because they just can’t take the leap. Half of marriages fail and the other would call it quits but they are comfortably numb. Many if not all men friends (married for a very long time) have confided they regret marrying and envious of my bliss. as buddha said life is suffering–embrace the suffering.

        • alania

          I just wish my children had a better life. I try everything to survive without love. It hurts its unfair I’m burdened by loneliness. I live only to provide. No light shines in my morning. I forgot how to smile or feel anything. The older the kids get the more distant. I lost my drive I just want to die. All I want now is to save money for the kids college’s . I want to retire to a hole 6ft. No need for love after that

          • Jan Ireene Galinada Pacana

            I feel the same way. But life is more than that they say but yeah it so lonely.

          • Micko

            Alania, I feel as you do. I keep hopping to maybe meet someone nice one day. I just stay at home with my unloving wife because our kids are young. I hate wasteing my life

          • Jennifer

            I am the same way. I’m a single mom with a disabled daughter & I don’t have time for love. I live with a mom who has anger issues over anything. I feel so alone at 40 that I feel life has just passed me by. I lay in bed at nights & cry myself to sleep. The only way it seems that I escape my pain is through dreams.

          • Barrie

            I finally got to the point that I wasn’t giving anyone the satisfaction. I come from a very abusive childhood home and that sounds kind of not personal but it was as I came to find out. You do have things in your life that make it worthwhile. You can’t count on other people even your kids to provide any love and support for you. It is lonely, but other people seem to be interested in getting from you what they need for themselves. I do have a dog. It has helped. That little guy loves me, is patient with me and never grows tired of a new day with me. Fight for yourself. Not sure about the people thing. But never give up, never surrender.

        • Preity

          Life is a suffering embrace it.so true these words were then.and so true they ate now.when I was young.I wud have never believed it.but now I go through it everyday

        • Bri Bri

          Alania, I am in the same place as you. I am a single father of 2 amazing kids. I don’t meet or go out as I am always providing. I just have a goal to set them up for college, and then I am done. I’ll be in my sixties at that point. It is a hard feeling to deal with that I am done with dating or finding someone.

      • Jan Ireene Galinada Pacana

        I also feel the same way. Yet my heart do desire to have someone buy ending ull just hurt.people on the process because of your fear.

      • Aly Dubrow

        @Jony, it sounds like youve developed a steady psychological defense long ago; whatever works I suppose. I wouldnt tear down other folks’ choice to commit and apparent successes in an effort to make solitude more palatable, however. Its intellectually dishonest.

    • Jhb

      Randy, I am a woman your age in an unloving marriage. I design arts education programs for children built on a positive psychology model. We teach loving kindness, intellectual curiosity and social intelligence. But I have only rejection in my own marriage. I also don’t know why I am still alive as I see no better future. If you like we could become old-fashioned pen pals and exchange letters of kindness.

    • Jay

      Randy, I am a gay man, now 70. Always alone in school and walking alone in life. Its a curse and a burden few understand to want love, be able to give and be afraid of both.
      Father was an alcoholic and mother was bipolar. So I’ve survived and that was a mission.

      • jim

        Oh how sweet of the. .I’m in your shoes jay. I’m a 51 year old private gay male who enjoys life to the fullest. I have a 13 yr old shihtzu who is the love of my life.who understand all my feelings when a human wouldn’t. I work i stay to myself. Hoping one day i just might find that special person. So many gay relationship’s are based on the wrong thing’s. Would love to spend my life not being alone. Guess I’m just so independent. Georgia lonely guy here.

    • Eileen

      Randy, you spoke what is in my mind. I am 57 years old and have thought about suicide several times because the lack of love in my life is starving me of hope. I adopted a dog and a cat so I would have a reason to live. The lack of human companionship is desperately depressing and I live with it every day. I am not an unfriendly or antisocial person, just was never loved. And I don’t know why. The loneliness is horrible. I keep trying to shove it out of my mind so it doesn’t poison my outlook. I hope that something good happens for all of us lonely people and love finds us.

    • Ric

      Long post alert…i was born to a drunkard mum and father, a last born of three, and came out significantly smaller than normal. My father was very abusive and would always come home drunk and start beating us up for no reason. At that time it was just me (a 4-year old boy then), my slightly elder sister (who was around 6 years old), and mum. My other brother is ten years older than me and was staying with my grandma during that period. One day my dad came home completely wasted, started peeing and shitting in the bathroom as usual, and then took out his belt and started hitting us with it. Things spiraled out of control when he took a knife and hurled it at my sister, missing her by a whisker. This was when my mum decided she had had enough and fled us to my grandma the following day. Although my grandma was relatively well-off and welcoming at first, she didn’t really want us staying there as a long term agreement, and naturally gave us a weird negative passive aggressive treatment, at one time even locking us out of the house at night. My mother developed depression and became addicted to cigarettes and alcohol, eventually becoming unemployable and losing her job in the city. When she officially moved in with us, i was given the smaller room my brother used to stay in and grew up virtually isolated. My mother continued with her self destructive behavior and i engrossed myself in my books. I missed the essential mother’s love everyone needs when developing and subsequently found it difficult making friends in school. The worst part was that i had a weird body (extremely small head compared to my body), probably because of my mother drinking and smoking during my pregnancy, and was constantly made fun of in high school. I remember one boy telling me that my head was so small, it could fit in his hands like a baseball ;( .. i don’t remember being lonelier than during my high school years. My slight stammer didn’t help make friends either, nor did my significantly low tone of voice. I survived the four years naturally isolating myself just like i did at home, until i graduated and left the school, having picked up virtually no socialization skills. Back home i was ignored like the plague, and when i finally landed a job at a cyber cafe, the guy let me go in favor of a more “good looking” guy than me in order to attract more clients. I turned to writing and two years later (about two years ago), my mother died of breast cancer. My grandma followed suit (mostly from the depression that followed) and we were basically left to take care of ourselves. I decided to leave after people started quarreling over inheritance issues, and have been living alone ever since. Almost my entire life revolves around my apartment, and it’s extremely difficult making friends here because of my history, socialization skills, and weird physique. My neighbors think am a weirdo and avoid me as much as possible. I can go for as long as a month without having a meaningful conversation with anyone, and sometimes i feel like i inherited my mother’s depression. Well, that’s my life in a nutshell

      • Kim

        Hi Ric,

        I just stumbled on this page as I am looking for answers to these difficult life questions myself. I read your story and I am saddened that nobody has replied to your message yet. Your story touched me and you have definitely not been blessed with many things in your life. If you want to chat, I am here for you. Not sure how this page works, if you would even be able to see my email address and send me a private message? If you can’t then I hope that this message will at least bring some light in your life for you.

    • Mark E.

      I am almost 65 and have never known love. Same as Randy I have never had a relationship. I have only had the odd date and that’s been it but none for many years. Of course I think about love and wonder what it and female companionship would be like. I always will and I do wish that I had known female attention. But I don’t understand all this talk of crushing loneliness and depression. I certainly don’t feel that. My life has always been filled with many interests like going out to hear live music, watching good movies and sports and talking to people I meet. I just don’t meet age appropriate people to ask out and in the past when I have I get one or two dates and that’s it. My point is that you can survive and enjoy many things in life even without love. I do.

      • Emiky

        I’m so encouraged by what you shared, Mark. While I’m a bit younger, at 35 and only having a successful romantic partner for 6 months, I’m pretty sure the single life is my calling. I’m not good at relationships, in general. I’m friendly and social but feel like I don’t know how to love people as my parents never really knew how to love me. Anyways, what I’m getting at is that I have a ton of interests and things I live and I feel like I can avoid the emptiness by investing myself in those hobbies and endeavors. Like traveling the world, saving the world, activism, art, etc. I’m encouraged to know that while love may not be in the cards, it doesn’t mean a life of emptiness will be a consequence.

      • Peter

        I am just your replica down here in Nigeria, Africa. I have adult children. All have college degrees except the youngest graduating in medicine next year. lost their mother Feb last year. Extended family culture is beginning to die out in Nigeria. The children tend to mind their own essentially. have been a work alcoholic from childhood having been orphaned early. Practically, humans are basically selfish. I am learning to enjoy aloneness without loneliness. I have now time to to live music concerts, stadiums, library, evangelism, witnessing etc. I divert my energy to these things. I think this what they call sublimation.

  2. Anonymous

    There’s companionship. I have that in my husband and appreciate it. But the absence of romantic love is painful, barely tolerable. But for the sake of the young children we have, we go on. And on.

    • Joe

      You are not alone. I have same with my wife. Hardly a companionship and NO love. My son is in college and the daughter is still in school (7 more years to go before college). I love my children, and divorce will be devastating for my daughter. Life is a prison (solitary confinement) and I wonder what will it be like if I am released from it after 7 years?

  3. Chica

    It is hard, I feel my life has no meaning at all. Life without love is not life it is just a body that breathes, that’s all.

  4. Ngl

    As an asexual I have been condemned by society to a loveless life, this life without love is not living but merely existing

  5. Aditha Madurawela.

    Evey day wake up with the feeling,someone will be there.. But after the death of my parents,no one really was there.. It’s hard to admit that truth,but have to face it with dare.. Without the precious thing call Love,My mind is everywhere…

  6. Dmdamusical1

    Wow. We should start a group for people like us. I just thought it was me.

  7. Nicholas

    Am 20, but I have never been in love and I really enjoy my life and I don’t want to enter into the field. I have seen many of my friends get hurt because of that thing

  8. Pete

    One of my top questions to ask God when I get in front of him (her, it) in the afterlife is why is it that I didn’t have the chance in my life to love the way I’ve always known I could. What could the meaning be of a life without love? It’s a crushing pain that’s getting worse.

    I’m 52 years old and still have hope that someone will be lucky enough to be the recipient of that. I’m glad to say otherwise that although I have no romantic love (and have never been pursued in any way), I do have many friends and people I care about (probably more than I should under the circumstances).

    • Pete

      Wow, I too am Pete aged 52. My last relationship was when I was 20. I have never actually been on a date, apart from the 35 where I was either stood up or they ran away screaming as soon as they saw me.

      All I know is that every single woman on the planet finds me utterly revolting, repulsive, and disgusting. I have spent the last three decades trying to figure out why – and at this point I have to accept that no-one is ever going to be able to tell me.

      The rest of my life is great – good health, fit and slim, kind friends, never really cared about money (adept at living like a pauper and genuinely not bothered about it), plenty of things to keep me interested, and a deep love of nature. But life without love is crushing, and perhaps the worst part is that no-one ever accepts that part of me – just dismissing it as trivial (you can’t say that, you’ll meet someone) and the severe punishments (banishment) meted out whenever I admit to having any feelings.

  9. Enelyn

    I’m 18 years old, and many might think im too young and have a long beatiful life ahead of me. Maybe so. But i have felt love and still feel it towards people around me and towards stuff i do. Therefore i cant say i live without love and i think nobody really live without feeling it, things you like are also feeling love towards them. Two years ago i met one boy and we were together for a really little time. But the time didnt matter it was special, he was special. Now, 2 years later i still love him and think he is special, eventhough i know its only onesided and we cant never be together. I have met many other boys and fell in love too but it still isn’t the same and feelings aren’t so strong and they fade. Its hard to express my feelings towards this one boy but what i want to say is that i live knowing that i love him and there’s nothing to do to stop or ease it, but it doesnt mean that i cant be happy or enjoy my life, i can and i can do it without him. There was a time when i thought that my life was over and meaningless but really life is not about finding the love of your life and being with him, there’s more to life to exampel: learing from your mistakes and helping others. I think we are here, in this planet and in this life for experiences. Feeling things (love) is part of it. Helping and listening others is what i enjoy the most about life and it also helped me to learn how to live without love companion. It is crushing and painful sometimes but if i want to be happy i need to push down my feelings and learn to live without them, to do that i need to be aware of them and accept them and find other ways to feel love (friends, sport and other stuff). This is my opinion at least. Sorry about my grammar, english is not my first language.

    • Rubi

      wow! I’m impressed, although you are young but you are wise, your speech is really what i wanted to hear a while ago, it cheer me up and gave me a lot of hope. thanks a lot dear, may you find love in all aspects of your life

  10. Jonathan

    Truth be told, I am frightened, truly afraid of what will come, what the time has in storage. I’m in my early-twenties, no longer a boy who used to look at the world with open, clear, innocent eyes. For various reasons, I can’t seek other people out, as a victim of constant rejection I’ve become one to reject others. And due to various experiences, I just had to turn out to become a homosexual… can you believe the irony? I love myself and I accept myself as I am, I tell that to myself everyday. I seek to befriend myself and all the demons of mine, what would I do if I were truly alone in this vast, cold world? I’ve probably know it for a while now that I’m going to grow old alone, and die alone; I have decided not to participate in sexual intercourse, or seek relationships for that matter.

    Guess what though? I’ve promised myself to live my life to the best of my ability and live as happily as I ever can. I won’t end my life. Though what the life may bring… I don’t know. I just wish for happiness, since love is something I can never have, other than unrequited love. Oh, and I’m Schediaphilic (drawn/anime/manga characters attract me), so even if I were to decide to seek out love, I could never find it. Some describe Schediaphilia as a kind of fetish, but for me I think it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I don’t necessarily feel a need to seek real humans as partners and a curse, because the feelings I developed for the characters will always, without doubt, remain unrequited.

    What actually helps ease the pain, the thundering, raging heart, is writing poems, or working on book writing. Makes me actually write hell of a good stuff! I often also listen to music (soundtracks, classic, opera, whatever sounds good at the moment), play computer games (keeps mind busy), exercise daily (that feeling getting out of the house!), anything really and nothing at all. I slack off because I have no real motivation or ambition (may be for reasons others have mentioned above). I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or do drugs. I live vegan lifestyle.

    I rarely share anything, but I guess even I need the feel to share.

    For those of us, you, the ones living without love; I wish you good luck and happiness. Don’t sell yourselves short, you are strong. “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” — A quote from ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’

    Stay well and safe.

  11. Carrie

    Thank you to everyone who shares themselves so honestly and openly for the benefit of others 🙂 Can you see how solitude can bring people together? I choose to be alone, from past pains and fear of rejection, reject most forms of love from anyone (ironically strange, huh?), whether it be from a random stranger passing a compliment on the street, family members or crushes… Puppies and kittens are excluded of course! But I can still love. Love from afar, love deep down inside, love music, love sunshine and breezes, love walking, love sleep, love the idea of love! It may not sound like much to some, but for me it’s plenty 🙂 At the end of the day, we all are alone in so many ways – regardless of relationship status. I decided at age 13 that the human race is over-populating itself, there is no necessity to create children any more than there is to cure world poverty, and that the most important type of love in LIFE is love for thyself. That turned out to be spot-on true. Stay strong, stay connected, stay your own worst enemy and your own best friend. To me, those living solo are every day heroes.

  12. mohit

    i am a engineering student and 22 years old.now i am at a place where i am forgot every thing about me and my life . i have no worry about my future and job.i am fighting with myself and feeling alone in my life just because i was in love with a girl.now all the situations in my life make me a alone person. now i have no interest in making friends and any social activity and relatios.i was afrad that what is happeniong with me . i am not alone i think every one is alone. this is fact about the life and people do every thing to forgot that they are alone . but they can not avoid this.

  13. Rachel

    Well..now I feel that I have the need to share my living experience. It wasn’t easy, being isolated. After several times of betrayal from friends and family members, I lost hope in life. No matter how hard I try to search for love, it just remains unseen. I am truly amazed that I have managed to not kill myself. Would it be better to die? As nobody cares whether Im living or not. What’s thr point of having a life like that?

    • Rubi

      you should live for yourself and not for anyone else, enjoy your life since no one can stop you, do whatever you want and Live like you’ve always dreamed, because you deserve this!
      and believe me as long as you are free you should not worry about anything else, freedom is the most precious thing in the world

    • ks

      We seek human love. But it is elusive. I have been married for 30 years. But alone in my marriage. Only the studyof Jesus has shown me true love

  14. Ian

    Hi
    I wonder how many people search for answers and then lose heart and not write anything .
    I’m 52 divorced after 24 years, what I class as the main part of life now after being so close to some one for so long, I feel lost in life apart of me says , I’d like to try and find another woman to love, another part says no way ,betrade the heart ache the cost to my health my feeling our daughters life torn apart dreams lost , I believe I’ve hit rock bottom the only way is up ,but been here now 3 years I have the drink fully under control (not that I lost it) no drugs again not the answer.
    Question is , how long till I see the light ?
    Thanks

  15. I am 33 years old, still unmarried, I stopped searching for love, I think you won’t find it here,instead i search for a passion and spirituality, and adventure.pursue creativity. I have noticed that people in relationships are more lonely than single people.love looks too superficial.never give up,give life some meaning, spend more time with nature it will improve moods.having pen pals is a good idea as somebody mentioned above.

  16. Palin

    I’ve tried to read the comments above as much as possible. I could find some relief seeing that I was not alone in loneliness. I’m turning 30 living with my parents and I guess I go through a life crisis myself. I have lost my once dearest friends. Not that they all left me – there were some I left on the way because I could see how unreal to me. I often times find myself questioning my life. Sometimes I feel I am not happy about my job, teaching, either. On the top of all these, I cannot help asking myself why I have no that someone special I could share my life with. Each year things get tougher than before for me – most probably my treshold to bear life keeps lowering and I am scared to face it all myself. I keep myself busy with my job, students, graduate studies currently, yet whenever I go bed at night, I could hear walls taking to me. Life gets harder then. I pretend I am against relarionships whatsoever but deepdown I feel kind of angry towards life for meeting the wrong people and getting wounds somewhere clise to my heart.

    • Avita

      Hi Palin,

      i find myslef in a very similar situation I am just looking for a friend whom i can have for life that unconditional friendship with no malice. Can we be friends ?

  17. Honeychyld@yahoo.com

    Hey everyone. I’m not too old, and I’ve felt abandoned many times (by family members, in my job as a minority in age and race, by friends…) but I had to realize that God loves me! I was made for a specific reason- so even when I was all alone and binge eating and crying every night, wondering when things were going to change (would I get a new job, could I even save enough money to relocate?) I had peace when I pused and read scripture: we were all made for a reason. So even in my darkest times, I could press on. Thankfully, I started serving others and finding my passions and purposes outside of the office, as well as a church family, and things got better. I was able to put down the rejection I felt from seemingly all angles of my life. I’m thankful that I realized God’s love and purpose, and I hope that you all realize this too.

  18. Avi

    Hello everybody I’m sorry that I’m writing my tale whaich is not so hurtful but i’m getting hurt everyday. I’m 24 year old male and have never known that love that binds two soul together. I have tried though. So in order to coping with that I always tries to bind with other female whether she is a stranger or not as to seek connection, and I always fails. So here I am always getting hurt whenever I seek out love. Seems like one part of my ife is always gets lost whenever that happens. Don’t know how much more I can keep up. Maybe I’m not born to experience love like others do.

  19. Elly

    I often feel like relationships has turned out to be some kind of status thing rather than actual love. I look at my friends and it feels like when their hearts break it’s because they no longer are fulfilling the ideal rather than missing the actual person – and so often that person is (seriously) a douchebag. They miss parts of it – the touch and probably the attention from friends but I don’t think they actually miss the person as a whole. It’s made me extremely realistic when it comes to love, I don’t want someone ‘just because’ I want someone to love because I truly appreciate and adore them. Unfortunately that brings a lot of pressure on that person because they would have to be amazing.

    I think we in general also put a lot more into love than there actually is – I know I do (as you can read in the paragraph above). We’re blinded by the epic romances in movies and books and truth be told no love is like that in real life. People all have flaws and we don’t correlate perfectly with each other but to love is to oversee that. In the west we have a tendency to think that we’ll find someone perfect just for us when really, we all need to chill.

    I think what we really lack (with an exception for sex and that stuff – which is a human basic need) is to be understood by our surroundings and that romantic love can actually be replaced by deep and accepting friendship. I think we all in general need to connect more but it doesn’t seem like anyone knows how.

    In other cultures it’s very common to have a deeper sense of community than where I live (I live in a big city), I can see the loneliness increase with social media. It feels more like we’re fighting for attention than actually be happy for each other’s success. I think this puts even more pressure on ‘the perfect relationship’.

    I know I have a lot of defenses that keep me from experiencing forfilling love, just like what’s written in this article but everyday I see the same tendencies in the people around me. Everyone’s a bit lonely and that is both extremely sad but also hopeful – maybe there’s a way to help eachother out. I know I felt better just reading everyone else’s stories on this site – knowing I wasn’t the only one.

    I don’t think we should feel different or outside the norm at all, people like us just have a tendency to not be represented in media even though we are common. I wish all of you the best and that you can feel complete without love or that you can find something else to conquer your attention. Most of all I wish for you to feel no shame about who you are, because there is really nothing wrong being this way.

    • Mary

      This is so spot on! From myself I just want to add that I just never give up. There are just so many people out there that you can try to connect with. Yes, you’ll get hurt. But I for one feel fucking strong, maybe I’m a daredevil…but I don’t give up.

  20. Messenger

    Hey everyone, I’ve learnt the following which I would love to share in hope of helping everyone in some way :

    1. Your belief system will put you in the vicious cycle if you don’t change it.
    2. Speak what u want to see as the information that goes into your heart then becomes a reality and belief
    3. Whatever you feel will radiate energy which in turn attract or fail to attract right people in your life.
    4. Start believing right and believe what you want to see in life, and it will happen. Right believing brings about right living.
    5. Start loving yourself and focus on what makes you whole, before finding love and giving love.
    6. Live and love without expectations. Because expectations almost always fail you.
    7. Remember that having someone in your life to love does not equate happiness.
    8. Only when you realise that the highest form of love is from God that you will achieve inner peace and happiness.
    9. It’s not simply about finding someone, it’s about having the right person in your life to love you and whom you may love unconditionally.
    10. Seek God and all will be blessed unto you.

    What love are we seeking? I’ve been failed many times when I put trust in my own judgement or on the person. I have learnt to trust God to find me the right person at the right time because only his plans will bring me peace and true happiness.

    Thank you for reading and I hope this helps.

    • LaShawn

      You are absolutely right and through your information given it shows you are in touch with your higher power. Continue to bless the world with this higher wisdom/truth. One can not attract proper love until one properly loves the self.

  21. Alex

    Good evening,

    Thanks for the article. I am wondering how do I put these psychological defenses up successfully? I am an unlovable and undesirable female. I need to learn how to live a loveless life. You mentioned these defenses we put up so we don’t get hurt. How? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

    Regards,
    A.

  22. Gigi

    Hi.. I m married for two years after a 5 year relationship. I thought things were gonna get even better than they were,but no. We lost the love we had for each other.. It vanished.. Not by itself.. We quarreled a lot about certain things and we still quarrell and I dont think we will ever agree on something. And I miss being loved by a man. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the caring.. I miss feeling love. I dont know what to do. I keep telling myself that this is not the way I want to live my life. I only have one life and I dont want to feel angry all the time. Because I am. I m angry exactly because I miss love. I am afraid to change my life for 360 degrees. I am afraid to look for live again, cause I ve learned that love is easy to get, but hard to keep. And I dont want to lose it again.

    • Léa

      Hi Gigi, I feel exactly the same… I am not married yet, but in long-term relationship (10 years) and I miss love more and more. I mean the feeling – the chemical cocktail, the person who thinks I am awesome. My boyfriend does care about me but it seems he doesn´t like anything I like, he doesn´t think I am great anymore. And I feel angry all the time. But I am afraid to change my life – what if I make a big mistake just for the drug called love? So I wait SOMETHING happens and fell angry that I waste time of my only life. I also can´t imagine to marry him, how could I promise I will love him no matter what when I don´t love him now?

  23. jeremy

    If anyone wants to start a group chat on Kik messenger my Kik name is bama.guy

  24. Kathy Veloo

    My age 46, female. I have a girlfrn age of 40. We love so deeply, we care each other for few years. Now, she’s in spritual life.. avoiding to not closed wt me. She was in prayers before meet me. Once she fall in love wt me, she didnt feel tht she’s in spiritual life. She shouldn’t let me have sexs n deeply love. Sumtimes she will said loving me, in sudden will avoid me in name of spritual life. Making me confused till today. As i know we are not lesbians, we are really beautiful lovers

  25. Antonio

    The last stayement: “It’s sort of like giving up a stifling habit you’ve gotten used to that once had a purpose but have now outgrown.” Changed my life! Thank you so mich for these words. I know this might sound silly to some folks but I compare this with Cola-soft drinks. I gave up Coke. And I miss it sometimes, health wise I am ina better spot. This is the exact sma thing. And I know I can always go to the store and het me a Soda, I refrain as I know the damage that cause me. Again this has been an eye opening moment for me (Ah’-Ha’, if you will).

  26. cindy

    I did have love ones….My husband died when i was 41…I’m now 56…and i so want to be with him….I’m tired of crying when i see lovers holding hands …I sit here watching TV..Watching crying…it hurts so much…I want to die..I live in pain so my kids and grand kids don’t have to live knowing i was such a loose that killed herself….

  27. William Keys

    I’m 53 and have had love once in all my life. True love reciprocated by a great woman, but the love was not “enough” to change my defenses that keep people out. After a lifetime of being alone prior to marriage it was hard to change. So I lost that love and now for the past 22 years have been either in non-loving, mostly asexual relationships or trying and failing to grasp love. Just lost a woman who I cared for more than I thought possible because she can’t trust love. So now I think I’m going to sit the rest of life out. I have dogs and will get more. I try to sleep when I need to, eat and drink when necessary. I will enjoy music and friends but live with this crushing emptiness and longing. Sanity sometimes requires we give up on hope for love. You can’t make someone love you and shouldn’t try. And in all honesty after living with someone I didn’t love that is out of the question as well. Faith helps but one wonders why love is so hard for some, me, and others seem to sail through life surrounded by love. I miss the woman I love, talking to her especially, you never know how wonderful life can be when you have someone to share and talk with about life. So I’m done, as Imtold her when she said “move on”, somImshare with you, I’m done and life wins. Hope is the most insidious villain in this world, it still causes us to long but knows she will never return. So I’ll find a nice patch of earth to sit on and just wait out the clock. Have a drink, enjoy some friends and count on nothing but loneliness. This is existence not living, I’m opting out of living again.

  28. vicki

    Im 37 and have long since given up on having any sort of romantic connection. I had an abusive upbringing, was shown no real love or affection, and I partially blame this on my problems.I actually enjoy being alone, it feels safe to me, but I certainly do feel the sting of loneliness. Whenever anyone gets to close I go into absolute panic mode and run in the other direction, I’m aware I’m behaving irrationally but the impulse that danger is afoot and I need to get away is so strong I cant fight it. Im sure the abuse and neglect I was subject to caused or at lest significantly contributed to this. I just try to make the best of being alone, try to meditate, stay away from alcohol and drugs (problems for me in the past), but I’m 99.9% sure my life will be a solitary one.

  29. I am 19 yrs old orphan for a long time I questioned my beliefs I don’t want to love anyone but my heart says me to love I hate it because it makes me feel week I lost my parents when I was born I was adopted by an old couple at the age of 16 there dead I lost everyone in my life and I feel like committing suicide I loved a girl when I was 16 but she left me after 3 months when she was found I was an orphan I was severely depressed it was then I got into drinking at age of 16 I feel like my life is was forever be empty till I die

  30. I am 19 yrs old orphan for a long time I questioned my beliefs I don’t want to love anyone but my heart says me to love I hate it because it makes me feel week I lost my parents when I was born I was adopted by an old couple at the age of 16 there dead I lost everyone in my life and I feel like committing suicide I loved a girl when I was 16 but she left me after 3 months when she was found I was an orphan I was severely depressed it was then I got into drinking at age of 16 I feel like my life is was forever be empty till I die

  31. Abby

    Why do humans have such a deep need for love when it never happens for everyone? It almost seems like we’re being punished for doing nothing wrong. It makes me so sad and sometimes depressed to know that I’m unlovable and that I’ll never be loved for the rest of my life. Being 39, I still have half of a life to live, and don’t know how to be completely happy without love. At age 33 I met my soulmate, and we had four wonderful years together until he cheated on me. There is no chance of us ever getting back together because before I found out about the cheating, he broke up with me by email saying that he cannot marry me because of my family. The deep pain caused from countless devastating situations since I was little will never be healed. My shattered heart is closed up from the world, and it’s impossible to fully enjoy all the activities that I still participate in because of the pain. I was born into a life with no love, yet still seemed to find hope when I was younger that things would be different if I’d find my soulmate. Life is never fair, and living without love makes life so much more painful and difficult even when staying busy.

  32. Max

    Hello everybody,
    I want to thank you all for sharing your life experience with lack of love. I also thank the author of this article that brought so many comments.
    I sometime feel I’m alone in this world living this loveless life, so I really appreciate reading comments pf people who have walked in my shoes.
    I’m 42 and I’ve lived a loveless life since ever. The only time dated a girl I was 17 and it lasted only 3 months and although I had feelings for her I can’t say I was in love. So I went through this life without experiencing any romantic love.
    I guess it started badly since as a child I already felt my mother didn’t have any love for me. As a teen I heard her talking to a friend of her saying she didn’t love me. One day we argued and I told her that but she denied. Thankfully I had a loving dad as a kid so I guess I wasn’t that unfortunate. But I think the absence of a maternal love had played a major part in my low self esteem which has lead me to being depressed all my life up untill now.

    The reason I find out about this article is because I’m tired of being depress due to the feeling that I’m worthless. I’m tired of going through this life thinking what’s the point. I can’t go like that anymore. So I’ve started to think a lot about thigns like love (love from parents, syblings, romantic love), depression, self esteem, social life, social status, the purpose of life etc…
    I think all these topics have an impact on my unhappiness. Asking myself question about those matters and reading articles like this one above might help me to find some answers and hopefully live a less unhappy life.

    Again, thanks for all the comments and I sincerely wish you all the best

  33. Sospeter

    Am 23 and i feel as if i cant love anymore. i was in a relationship which was good but after some years we broke up after that i searched for love but everytime i get to know one i feel as if they are not right for me, so i decided i should embrace life and love it. i keep myself busy with taking photographs but am worried if my life will turn up lonely when am much more older and rely only to myself.

  34. Grace

    There are so many of us…goodness!
    I don’t get it. Made of love, made to love but no love…
    Life’s cruel joke.
    35, never married, never loved.
    Pain so sever at times you cant breathe…
    Great to know there’s a whom tribe of love-forsaken orphans like me.
    Best of luck to us all…what a load to carry…

  35. Em

    I am 43 and just beginning my life of loneliness and lovelessness. I have had 3 major long-term (at least 2 years) relationships and then met my husband then 7 years later divorced my husband. When I began getting over the excruciating pain of the divorce and started dating again 2 years ago, all the men that I met and who have pursued me are already in serious relationships. All of them (5 so far) have initially lied about it but then I either caught them or they admitted to wives/girlfriends. One of them even said as I told him we were over “But EVERY guy has a girlfriend”. I guess that is what you have to expect once you hit 40? Many people are already paired up and are going out to have affairs. I am not interested in married men or having an affair. So I am not going out anymore for a while and I am trying to invest in myself and a life without love. Any advice on getting through Friday and Saturday nights alone?

  36. manohar

    Maybe this world is another planet’s hell

  37. manohar

    My story is entirely different. I loved a girl 3 years back, she married someone else 2 years ago. she told me that she loves me very much and I was in her thoughts and heart till the very last minute of her wedding. After coming back to office from her marriage vacation, she told me all these things. She used to look at me with so much love and affection that no girl till now looked at me like that. After a year I changed to another company for my career growth, but still was in touch with this girl. we never had physical relationship but my hear is so much longing for her till this time. She loves me still, I know but she had stopped talking to me recently as she want to be a loyal wife to her husband. But I can not forget her, she comes in my dreams and always I am constantly lost in her thoughts. I want to come out of this but sometimes it feels so good to think about her and some times it is of so much pain. I feel like I am deprived of love and affection. now I am tried to find a girl to marry but I think this constant depression of missing my love will haunt me forever.

  38. teri he bas talaash hai wahan…..
    tu he mera libass hai wahan…
    im so empty in mi feelings,thoughts,minds,heart and in mi whole life without her…..

    O! people of the WORLD pray for my wellness…..

  39. Elizabeth B.

    I went through a couple relationships which might have been serious, but I couldn’t see taking the next step after dating and they all fell apart. I even think I kept myself deliberately underemployed so that I could claim that I didn’t have enough money to get married. But there were lots of casual encounters, no strings or future, and I was happy with that. But then I got therapy for a year through a research study. I was persuaded to open up. This coincided with meeting a guy through a group of friends. There was an instant attraction. We hooked up on the first date. I had all the messy emotions. A couple of my friends said don’t do it, he’s a great friend but a terrible boyfriend. He admitted that he was attracted to me in a different way than his usual casual sex. He said that no one but me ever spent the night at his house, they left afterwards. A good friend of his confirmed this. I spent the night several times, and even the next day. The irony of the situation was that if I had been my “whatever” pre-therapy self, I would have had the walls up, had fun, and got on with life. Stupid therapy! For what was likely the 1st time I was open, but it was with someone as emotionally self-protective as I used to be. I was terribly hurt, and that’s just not going to happen again. No dating & I’m fine with it.

  40. Lynn

    I just turned 62. I was loved unconditionally by my grandmother for the first 38 years of my life. My parents “loved” me but I never felt it was genuine. I was married for 25 years and was married to “the love of my life” and “soulmate”. When he cheated and left, I was devastated – still am. I have tried dating and have found nothing but liars, cheaters and con men. I have two adult children who I “love” but they have their own lives. There will be no grandchildren so I don’t have little ones to love. Both of my cats died and I have no desire to replace them. I realize that I have no one now and it’s devastating. I never thought I’d end up alone and unloved. Don’t buy into the bullshit of “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I wish I would have been alone from the start. At least then I wouldn’t know what a beautiful time I am missing. I pray every day that I won’t wake up but then I do. I literally drag myself through my days and cannot wait for sleep every night. I NEED love in my life but it’s gone forever. I hate my life.

  41. n

    I understand so many of the feelings shared here. I too have been confused at times about the lack of love or evasiveness of love in my life. The thoughts can seep in easily. I was badly abused as a child and at age 21 met the first person to show me love and affection. It wasn’t long before we were in a loveless marriage, trapped, until he had an affair. He just up and left one day, and I was abandoned again. I am often scared, worried about what might (or might not) happen on any given day. I have a dog who I believe has saved my life, as I often feel that I have nothing else to live for. Sometimes I think I am asleep – some sort of long dream or nightmare, I’m not sure which – and that I will wake up and there will be a family waiting for me, wondering where I have been, happy to see me. I find comfort and empathy by reading others’ comments here. Many blessings to all of us for what we have gone through and have the courage to deal with every day.

  42. Eli

    My situation could be a little different. I was raised in a very restricted religious environment. I was raised being taught that it is the job of our Creator to provide us with a partner, therefore we have to simply wait. therefore, I was not able to develop life skills on how to approach women. So, I waited. All of sudden I am above 40.

    I have never been loved. I had crush to some girls which were not part of my church. However, because of the conviction that grew in me since childhood, I had no option other than burning inside with a desire. I am successful in other aspects of life. I have achieved so much what others would envy. However I feel emptiness. As you guys said, loneliness as crushing beyond words can tell. Now I am thinking back to those religious fathers who have subjected me to this life. I still respect them and understand their desire to maintain a holy church. However, I feel that,in the process, I am robbed off my life. I have begun to develop disdain and hatred to those people who subjected me this horrible and tasteless life. Now in retrospect, I believe that was not the Will of the Lord for me to lead that kind of life.

  43. K

    I see all the inspiring comments and stories here. But I’m sorry I can’t be the encouraging one. I’m just 25 and I know a lot younger than most of you but I’m sure you can relate how crushing loneliness can be. I’m just disheartened that after so many years, there’s been many but there hasn’t been the one, if there’s any.

  44. Jane

    I came upon this post just now and have read many of the comments above. I too feel as if I will never be loved. I have loved others but it wasn’t returned. Rejection is painful whatever your age….At 53 I feel as if I’m out of options. Memories are bleak and don’t offer a lot of joy if any. I was however given some good advice and that was to offer myself the love and kindness I would give to someone else who was feeling as I do. I have to find a way to love who I am. And that’s hard. It’scan’t be about having hope that someone will love me… maybe we are the lucky ones we have the opportunity to be whole within ourselves. It is lonely and I do feel sad that maybe I have missed connections on that deeply soul level. I wonder at the ease some people have with others and the joy that follows from it.
    Reading the comments made me feel not so alone so thank you to all who have shared. Be kind to yourselves and thank you again.

  45. Great article. Really looking forward to read more.Really Cool..

  46. George

    Shelters by a over baring mother and resentful father. Whom both chased each others friends off being miserable toghther. Then using me as a pawn in a chest game. Had friends but could never be one of the guys as was always stuck to mom’s hip by force,and methylation of morals and enotions. To the point I resented every thing of life.
    Could never have a gf,self righteous mother woud always stick her nose in. Father could careless. Fired from jobs from mother in siting on blabbering till 3am of the same story,or cause ww3 if tried to shut her out.
    My spirit broke at age 19,when I had no friends. Had a melt down at 25, moved off only to be tracked down with mother on front door,with no place to go. Father kicked her out, morals aloud her to stay till was evices week later as she couldn’t keep mouth shut. Back to the family home. With spirt broken again. Resent for any thing in life. Melt downs inbetween, praying to just die.
    Both had massive heart attacks at 39yrs of my age. Since I cant let myself trust anyone or know how to be in a rwaltionship. And stuck to tat would never have kids to put in my situation. As yes kids are u use to take care on you as you die in you finally burdening stage.
    It’s a lonly life, luster after the want of love but now at my age of middle 40s crappy job, and faded looks. All I canmustmmm can muster is a wart hog. That I have no attraction to only joy for me is counting down days to my death to finally be free.

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