Living Without Love In Your Life
I have decided to rewrite this post a couple of times because of what I’ve learned about this topic from the commentary and reactions sent to me over the many months since I’ve posted it. This post is a lot different from the others I have written on this blog.
One important difference is the emotional experience people interested in this topic are dealing with. Living without love in your life can be painful. It involves living with feelings of loss and disappointment. This is never easy and must be respected.
The objective here at the Love Life Learning Center has always been to help our readers strengthen their psychological ability to find and form a healthy love relationship. If there is little “hope” in being able to do so, for whatever reason, then we are left with the task of trying to strengthen an individual’s ability to “cope” with the resignation they are living with.
One understanding that may be helpful is that there are several types of “love” possible in a lifetime. Romantic love is one, but not the only one. Most of us want to realize the romantic ideal of falling in love with someone we would call a “soulmate.” Realistically however, there are many things that can complicate that outcome. Not the least of which are the ways people “learn to relate when they fall in love,” a topic that is considered vital to this blog. Another obvious complication, is the bad luck of simply never finding one’s soulmate.
Another form of “love” that is possible involves the love that is felt for one’s family members. There are many people in this world that cherish the healthy relationships they maintain with extended family members. These relationships can be loving and supportive. For some people, loving family relationships provide the involvements in life that help cope with the absence of romantic love.
A third form of love can occur in the context of true friendships. True friendship is a relationship where two people can be themselves with each other. A relationship where honesty and genuineness prevail. True friendships can last a lifetime and help a person cope with the absence of romantic love.
Lastly, there is the love of humanity that some people feel in the form of wanting to help others. Committing oneself to helping others who are suffering or in need is a meaningful involvement that can take a myriad of forms. People who give of themselves in this way often talk about the gratification they experience. This kind of loving involvement is yet another way of coping with the absence of romantic love.
As a clinical psychologist I have treated many people over the years who struggled with finding a healthy way of coping with the absence of romantic love in their lives. Those patients who were able to openly grieve the loss or absence of romantic love, healed the hurt, and often came to an understanding that giving love was the best way of getting love in return. Figuring out how to give of oneself to others has a better chance of attracting love than simply waiting to receive love that never comes, accompanied by continuous feelings of loss, hurt and resentment.
As always, getting a little help coping with the absence of love in one’s life is always an option.
Dr. Thomas Jordan, author, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life
I am 60 years old and have lived my whole life without love. No relationships, no wife, no children. I can say from experience that loneliness is crushing, and rejection breeds rejection. I am amazed I have not killed myself. But once you have reached a certain age, and love is no longer in the cards, the desperation to find love gives way to a realization that the search is over and you will be lonely forever. For some it is just the hand they are dealt. So what comes next? I’m waiting to find out.
Thank you for sharing this Randy. I am much younger than you but feel my story will be very similar. I agree it is crushing. It is easy to live without a companion when it is temporary; when it is permanent it is painful.
i am one of those weirdos that love being alone (except i do have a faithful pet), and i am an old dude. seems most if not all coupled people do it because they are afraid of being alone. (btw studies have shown the major reason people have children is to have some to take care of them when they are at the end). so they abdicate and couple because they just can’t take the leap. Half of marriages fail and the other would call it quits but they are comfortably numb. Many if not all men friends (married for a very long time) have confided they regret marrying and envious of my bliss. as buddha said life is suffering–embrace the suffering.
I just wish my children had a better life. I try everything to survive without love. It hurts its unfair I’m burdened by loneliness. I live only to provide. No light shines in my morning. I forgot how to smile or feel anything. The older the kids get the more distant. I lost my drive I just want to die. All I want now is to save money for the kids college’s . I want to retire to a hole 6ft. No need for love after that
I feel the same way. But life is more than that they say but yeah it so lonely.
Alania, I feel as you do. I keep hopping to maybe meet someone nice one day. I just stay at home with my unloving wife because our kids are young. I hate wasteing my life
I am the same way. I’m a single mom with a disabled daughter & I don’t have time for love. I live with a mom who has anger issues over anything. I feel so alone at 40 that I feel life has just passed me by. I lay in bed at nights & cry myself to sleep. The only way it seems that I escape my pain is through dreams.
I finally got to the point that I wasn’t giving anyone the satisfaction. I come from a very abusive childhood home and that sounds kind of not personal but it was as I came to find out. You do have things in your life that make it worthwhile. You can’t count on other people even your kids to provide any love and support for you. It is lonely, but other people seem to be interested in getting from you what they need for themselves. I do have a dog. It has helped. That little guy loves me, is patient with me and never grows tired of a new day with me. Fight for yourself. Not sure about the people thing. But never give up, never surrender.
I feel like love and life is too complicated I feel defeated. I’m have no trust for no one. And hate smiling all the time but if I don’t people ask me what’s wrong, I just am not who I used to be. This world chewed me up and spit me out, by world I mean people, family, friends , lovers.
I am without the man i love.I hurt him deeply.I guess I’ll be Alone forever.I accepting of that.I choose to focus on building myself and not looking to anyone to fix me.I sure miss him tho.
I am similar to you.i lost all my motivation in life. I just live and try to bring some shine to other people life.
Life is full of hurt …..you are not alone
I’m sad, I have been married twice and both my husbands have betrayed me to the maximum betrayal and I have suffered loneliness in both occasions and now I’m experiencing the third time not married but he should have been my longtime partner but things just get in the way, it is painful to finally realize that I was only temporary for him to, love doesn’t seem to last for me
Hello Blanca, Thank you for your comment and visiting my blog. I recommend that you reflect on the “repetition” that is occurring in your love life. It is unfortunately vert common for people to learn something about love relationships growing up that gets replicated in the adult love life. I have treated numerous people who have had experiences earlier in life that taught them to seek out (unconsciously) people who had difficulty with commitment or betrayal. If you find that the same type of person is showing up in your love life it is time to think about what “pattern” may be in the back of your mind controlling the direction of your love life. For some helpful information in a very easy to read guidebook on how to identify these patterns and change them (on your own) consider getting my book Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. I believe you will find it quite illuminating. Good luck, Dr.J.
Life is a suffering embrace it.so true these words were then.and so true they ate now.when I was young.I wud have never believed it.but now I go through it everyday
I didn’t remember i have written here.it was tough time then.My life changed in 2020… It got worse first and then started to get better from 2018…….I embraced positivity,finding happiness within,gratitude , God and with time things changed………. I have so much of love in my life now . I wish all of u get love.
Alania, I am in the same place as you. I am a single father of 2 amazing kids. I don’t meet or go out as I am always providing. I just have a goal to set them up for college, and then I am done. I’ll be in my sixties at that point. It is a hard feeling to deal with that I am done with dating or finding someone.
You are a father you have a kid to hug you alone means you have no one 0
I also feel the same way. Yet my heart do desire to have someone buy ending ull just hurt.people on the process because of your fear.
With all due respect, I see all these comments from lonely men and women, and wonder why you all just don’t reach out to one another. Maybe, you live close. Take a risk. Don’t wallow in self pity.
Nobody’s wallowing in self pity. These folks are simply stating the reality of their lives. That’s not self pity. Honesty with yourself can be a step to accepting and healing. I feel sorry for you that you can’t express your own “happy” story, with all due respect.
I was married 18 years. He betrayed terribly. I’ve given up on men, and I’m okay with that. I honestly believe chilvalry is dead. And at my age 51, it’s close to impossible to find a good loyal man. But I’m not lonely for men. I’m actually lonely from losing my mother. I loved her so much. She was the only person who I felt truly loved me unconditionally. I feel like I died too. I just exist, but don’t feel like I’m living. The sadness swallows me up.
I have male siblings but I don’t feel like they love me much. I seek their companionship but I feel like I bother them, so I just stopped.
Friends fizzled away over the years. I can’t say I had not even 1 good friend who is here for me in my grief.
When my mom died, she took all the love I had in my life. And now for the first time in my life, I feel empty, and profound sadness. I miss her love . I miss her smile, laughter, singing, and hugs.
Living without any love in your life is a slow death.
@Jony, it sounds like youve developed a steady psychological defense long ago; whatever works I suppose. I wouldnt tear down other folks’ choice to commit and apparent successes in an effort to make solitude more palatable, however. Its intellectually dishonest.
Aly those are Wise words of love no matter how lonely life gets right?
I too have been used, played and cheated on many a time in the name of love. And now, finally, I have come to this realization that true and lasting love is not in my destiny. I am destined to live a loveless life. The hurt that this realization brings along, is enormous and sometimes I feel that I may not survive like this for long.
I had a bad childhood so always attracted toxic partners. Gave myself fully in love, but never got anything in return. Life seems useless many times and hope that one day everything will be alright, seems fading. I don’t understand what I have done to deserve such a loveless childhood and adulthood. I see all my friends around me, happy with their boyfriends and husband and here I am crushed, crying and devastated. I want these sufferings to end 🙁 Pl pray for me
Hi there… it crushes my hart reading your words… I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. If you want to have a kind chat… if you want someone listening to you… I would be happy to be that guy. Let me know about you 🙂
I will pray for you, you will be alright. Fight, fight, fight!
I am a Pisces I am a hopeless romantic I love the happiness love can bring I have brought people together and watched love blossom
and grow. And I have smiled sighed and felt that all familiar pain in my heart love has never loved me. No blessings no gossamer wings. No just a feeling like being embraced by the coldest of winters. Crystalline tears flow. I can write of the beauty and regret
It’s l8ke being cursed.
Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear of your pain. Your observations of love and interventions in other people’s love lives are impressive. I have found that when love does not love us it is because something we’ve learned is in the way of receiving love’s love. I think a dedication to “working on your personal psychological love life” may bear considerable fruit. This entire website is dedicated to helping people become aware of and practice changing their love lives. We don’t have to accept the life long limitations in our love lives. The first step is always to become aware of what is unhealthy and in control from the inside out. From there we practice change. Think about it. Dr. J.
I am Pisces too and i get you. In part, your story is my story…
In my case, i only truly realize that i have lived a “loveless” live short time ago….
A life of “no belonging” and struggle just to “keep the head above the water”
This struggle kept me so busy and was the motive i only truly realize now “who i was” for the loved ones of my past ( family, friends, girls friends.. the hole scope)
I concluded, one or two years after starting to think about my life.. that “this” is much more than just “no love”.
Actually i realized that i have lived not only a “loveless” life but the people that surrounded me didn’t want me to succeed in nothing and they did their best to put me down or take me off course ( family, friends, girls friends etc).
I didn´t know that in the past, so i believed them and they caused damage or delays
Only now i am able to make a balance of my life, at 48
I have turned to the spiritual spectrum (Pisces are sensitive) to find the anwser why there is so much “not belonging” / “don’t really care” / “don´t see you” or even “udercover competition”.
About my findings on the spiritual level:
– Yes, i believe that we have reencarnations
– Yes, we are programed or something, like a computer (that´s why people arround me act as they act, not their fault)
– Maybe i was a very bad person on other life. And yes “they” will harm me if they have the chance (even parents)
– I am not allowed to meet nice people (my people) in this life
– All this “bad life” are lessons for our greater good (well..) cope with it… i am human, i will be sad.. don´t go down… accept it, control your feeling, be smart and try to be strong
Crazy conclusions, hum?
Maybe… but i have no better one to explains so much things that happened (like being cursed…)
The other obvious conclusion (human conclusion) is my personality or something wrong with me
If you could meet me, you would take that out of the equation 🙂
Sorry my english or mistakes
Felt good to write
Randy, I am a woman your age in an unloving marriage. I design arts education programs for children built on a positive psychology model. We teach loving kindness, intellectual curiosity and social intelligence. But I have only rejection in my own marriage. I also don’t know why I am still alive as I see no better future. If you like we could become old-fashioned pen pals and exchange letters of kindness.
Darling live that relationship, go travel the world
JHB, that is Really Sweet sentiment for Randy!! Genuinely Hope he appreciated your kindness gesture also dear!!
Randy, I am a gay man, now 70. Always alone in school and walking alone in life. Its a curse and a burden few understand to want love, be able to give and be afraid of both.
Father was an alcoholic and mother was bipolar. So I’ve survived and that was a mission.
Oh how sweet of the. .I’m in your shoes jay. I’m a 51 year old private gay male who enjoys life to the fullest. I have a 13 yr old shihtzu who is the love of my life.who understand all my feelings when a human wouldn’t. I work i stay to myself. Hoping one day i just might find that special person. So many gay relationship’s are based on the wrong thing’s. Would love to spend my life not being alone. Guess I’m just so independent. Georgia lonely guy here.
We’ve much in common. Same age range. Reach out to me firstname.lastname@example.org. Please reference this article in the subject line. I’ll respond.
Randy, you spoke what is in my mind. I am 57 years old and have thought about suicide several times because the lack of love in my life is starving me of hope. I adopted a dog and a cat so I would have a reason to live. The lack of human companionship is desperately depressing and I live with it every day. I am not an unfriendly or antisocial person, just was never loved. And I don’t know why. The loneliness is horrible. I keep trying to shove it out of my mind so it doesn’t poison my outlook. I hope that something good happens for all of us lonely people and love finds us.
Lonely is bad enough but without having love makes everything seem worthless but we must go on and keep fighting.
If we want to not be lonely, we should join a sports club, or writing club, or church. …. yoga or tai chi .. then introduce our selves and invite people for coffee, after a couple of times of that invite for dinner and make friends ?
wishing you all well and love 🙁 I wish this wasnt happening for us all, but lets be a friend, and give love, to get a friend and get love
Those of us in our 50’s and above haven tried all that and much more to gain friendship. The issues underlying thos is being raised in abusive, emotionally neglectful family with BPD, Social Path or Narcissists parents. Leaves on the very most outer fringe of society as survivors.
Normally good advice but unfortunately I came across this while living alone during the covid pandemic and all the restrictions and closures that have added to the loneliness and despair of many.
Thank you all for sharing your perspectives. Indeed we should embrace the pain; accept facts and mostly our failures.
I Guess we are the morons on a psychological healthy society (irony).
The person who says is crazy, is usually the sane one… Until the person reaches the state of self truth. Perfectly Knowing how foolish that person was and probably is.
Sharing with you my circumstances: I’m 38 years old. I’ve been living with someone for almost 20 years. For around 12; it has been killing my soul (what I feel is that the soul hurts a lot) until I’ve reached the point of ending this life (present state). Nothing is worth doing; fight for; nothing brings me happy; no motivation or whatsoever. What was keeping me alive on the last 5 years was believing that I could find someone and start over. But I lost any faith regarding such chance. In between these 20 years; we used to fight (today it feels pointless for both). My life also got messed up in between; I’ve tried to date a couple Ladies; but they didn’t want a person broken by life; nor a relationship… Present moment… It is very lonely (even though I am living with her and surrounded by so many people in my city and in this world).
It is sad the amount of excruciating pain.
The extreme depressions; false hope; anxiety… Today after a dialogue; I was told: that perhaps I should try someone who was feeling alone like me; someone who has been living alone Her entire life without a special someone. Then It brought me here.
Divorced 33 yrs ago. Never remarried, not even close. My H treated me badly, took my property. I worked a lot and never met another man to love. I used to go to the gym regularly, took exercise classes. I never met anyone there. I joined a dating thing…met a few, but we didn’t click romantically. I wasn’t beautiful, but I was attractive & some said pretty, healthy, normal weight range (tho @ upper end). I’m not flirtatious, so maybe that’s it. Now I’m 67. Slim, proportioned figure, good hair, own my own home & retired on my own money that I made. It looks like I’m destined to be alone the rest of my life. I am so lonely. I need to move to be in an area where there are more older single people. Life is pointless without love. My ex went on & married someone with big boobs & stayed married over 20 yrs. & had kids. Not me. I have a few friends in another city. I need to move closer to my friends. Will I just die in my bed one day and no one will notice? How will I cope alone if I get seriously ill? This is not how humans are intended to live.
I feel exactly every word you wrote.
I just can’t seem to accept that I will forever be alone.
All of these comments are ringing true to me as well. I am 53 and I have had many failed relationships because they have ultimately found me not worth marriage, not attractive, or 1 million other reasons. I have a graduate degree from one of the top schools, I own a beautiful home, I have two grown kids that I’ve re-successfully on my own with no help, I’ve traveled the world, I have an amazing job, I’m tall and relatively thin and athletic, have a great parents and amazing friends but can’t find anyone that loves me. And when I do they ultimately end up leaving me. We stay friends but they move on to find love again and I struggle to even find dates. I can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done wrong or anything major in my past despite 20 years of therapy . Love just seems to evade me. My world feels gray and in the few moments I thought I was loved the world was full of color. Now wondering how I truly learn to live without that color And if that is my future reality how do I learn to find peace with that. If the world remains gray the rest of my life and as my kids move out of the house and I’m alone most of the time it feels very gray even though I try to find activities. Didn’t realize lots of other people feel this way too. All of my friends are married and have stayed married the past 30 years and all seem relatively happy. I don’t know anyone around me the feels the way I do.
Hi Eileen, I am also 57 and thought maybe you and I could meet some day?
Long post alert…i was born to a drunkard mum and father, a last born of three, and came out significantly smaller than normal. My father was very abusive and would always come home drunk and start beating us up for no reason. At that time it was just me (a 4-year old boy then), my slightly elder sister (who was around 6 years old), and mum. My other brother is ten years older than me and was staying with my grandma during that period. One day my dad came home completely wasted, started peeing and shitting in the bathroom as usual, and then took out his belt and started hitting us with it. Things spiraled out of control when he took a knife and hurled it at my sister, missing her by a whisker. This was when my mum decided she had had enough and fled us to my grandma the following day. Although my grandma was relatively well-off and welcoming at first, she didn’t really want us staying there as a long term agreement, and naturally gave us a weird negative passive aggressive treatment, at one time even locking us out of the house at night. My mother developed depression and became addicted to cigarettes and alcohol, eventually becoming unemployable and losing her job in the city. When she officially moved in with us, i was given the smaller room my brother used to stay in and grew up virtually isolated. My mother continued with her self destructive behavior and i engrossed myself in my books. I missed the essential mother’s love everyone needs when developing and subsequently found it difficult making friends in school. The worst part was that i had a weird body (extremely small head compared to my body), probably because of my mother drinking and smoking during my pregnancy, and was constantly made fun of in high school. I remember one boy telling me that my head was so small, it could fit in his hands like a baseball ;( .. i don’t remember being lonelier than during my high school years. My slight stammer didn’t help make friends either, nor did my significantly low tone of voice. I survived the four years naturally isolating myself just like i did at home, until i graduated and left the school, having picked up virtually no socialization skills. Back home i was ignored like the plague, and when i finally landed a job at a cyber cafe, the guy let me go in favor of a more “good looking” guy than me in order to attract more clients. I turned to writing and two years later (about two years ago), my mother died of breast cancer. My grandma followed suit (mostly from the depression that followed) and we were basically left to take care of ourselves. I decided to leave after people started quarreling over inheritance issues, and have been living alone ever since. Almost my entire life revolves around my apartment, and it’s extremely difficult making friends here because of my history, socialization skills, and weird physique. My neighbors think am a weirdo and avoid me as much as possible. I can go for as long as a month without having a meaningful conversation with anyone, and sometimes i feel like i inherited my mother’s depression. Well, that’s my life in a nutshell
I just stumbled on this page as I am looking for answers to these difficult life questions myself. I read your story and I am saddened that nobody has replied to your message yet. Your story touched me and you have definitely not been blessed with many things in your life. If you want to chat, I am here for you. Not sure how this page works, if you would even be able to see my email address and send me a private message? If you can’t then I hope that this message will at least bring some light in your life for you.
Good lord Ric, that is tragic and yet you are clearly stronger than any one. I’m sad no one replied earlier too. If you look here again do say hi. Love to you.
Hey if you ever want to chat to someone just let me know,im so sorry people have treated you like that,i really hope your well and get in touch.Kind regards samantha
I was just looking for answers for my life without love. But when I read your massage I realized that I have been loved by parents and they still do. I might not have a partner to love me but still I have my parents and my brother. I think I don’t have to worry about anything most importantly I have god.
You are very strong and god is looking at you. You have survived when you have struggled a lot,It’s time to change. Just try to talk to people and let them get to know real you. People will love you and you’ll have friends.
First give thanks to god for everything. I’ll pray for you too.
God bless you Ric
Ur story is very very sad ….I honestly think ppl need license to have kids , show they r capable of logic thinking ,they r not addicted 2 drugs etc …..how is that one can not adopt a dog from a shelter without job and house with criminal records and yet they can have kids on a whim with anyone drunk in side …!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…..horrible…!!!!!!
I think U need to stop thinking about Ur past …and go out from Ur house and start to meet ppl , if U r concern about UR looks U can always hang out with disabled folks who are very down to earth and they dont pay attention that much at the physical beauty , also U can volunteer at the animal shelters ,homeless shelters , kids hospitals etc ….Dont give into depression try to build Ur self confidence ,there r like million U tube vids about it …change the posture , look at ppl eyes straight …make some money ,travel etc ..!!!!……
.Dont focus on what U can not do only on what can U do …!!..in my school there was a guy who was small he was like 5.3 or smaller , had ginger red hair and freckles …yet he joined Kung Fu class, built himself up , finished law school has a very beautiful wife who was like 5 feet tall , he is extremely funny and self confident …some other guy in his shoes could have gotten depressed …..give up on life …..not him ..!its all a matter of a perspective !!!!!!!…”fake it till U make it ..”……(:
Ric, do I understand correctly that you make a living from writing? I found your life story very interesting to read and I think it sounds like (in spite of your isolation and lack of familial or other relationships as you were growing up) that you ARE a good writer! You also seem to have not only survived your childhood loneliness but somehow come out the other side a stronger person for it! I was lucky, in that, I had good, loving relationships with my father and my grandfather, (and a little with my grandmother), but my mom was a very selfish, somewhat bipolar person who constantly used my younger brother’s disability (he had Down’s syndrome and seizure disorder and was non-verbal) to get attention or if that failed, her own hypochondria. Luckily, my daughter and I are very, very close. I think BECAUSE I knew what it was like to grow up not feeling close to my own mother, I determined to build a good bond with my own daughter. What I would say to you is maybe you could use your writing to reach out to people, because you do have a gift for it. I know this was written 3 years ago and so much has happened since (including our current pandemic situation which has, of course, isolated us all to some degree!) But IF you read this, I found wisdom and a sort of pragmatic hopefulness in your tone. I’m sorry you have been treated so unfairly and cruelly by your own family (you didn’t mention relationships with your siblings, but I’m assuming they weren’t really loving, either?) I am a special education teacher precisely because I dearly loved my brother and have tried to be an advocate for him, to be his voice. I also used to be an adviser and on the Board of Directors with Joan Cusak for a program called Best Buddies that tries to match up individuals with disabilities with a friend. Because maybe we can live without a “significant other” in our lives as I have been doing, too. But we all need friends. That’s still loving. A very real and important kind of love. I am blessed to have moved to Hawai’i since 2016 and teach here. Aloha Nui Loa my friend!
Netflix & teen romance. Those are my pills at night and after watching, I can only say his name in my sleep. Being a 38yo, plus a HIV+ guy is taking its toll nowadays. I used to see my condition as a test. Now, I am in struggling emotion to fight the urge to have another round of romantic association in my path. But I know, I am not flirtatious. I am on twitter but all I do is tweeting Google photos of desirable men, captioning I am his. As a muslim, I devote night and day but sometimes I feel all is just a routine. I fear death. My religion condemn who is a homosexual. Though, I still pray to my God but the urge to wanting to belong, to love and beloved; is so strong. In this pandemic time, I still have a job and money. Now if only my paycheck can order a romane fling online, I might try. Love does not come on my doorstep anymore. Yes, I still have my mom, bless her soul for the home cooked meal at dinner time, as I still am living with her and I keep my status a lifelong secret. My HIV treatment is put on hold ( blood test etc.) but I have a friend, a nurse who willing to post my HAART medicines. I try to feel young, I do home wotkout, and I know my hair is receding. I am not handsome as I used to think. Never I always say, I am super hot even from the start of being gay myself. I miss when guys around look at me and my beauty. I miss it. Today, I scream I AM GETTING OLD! I might die alone. I envy youngsters with looks and ambitions plus a body to die for and easily can hookup anytime without worry. I worry. I worry a lot. Sex deprivation is my partner in sleep. Luckily I still awake in the morning. Tomorrow? I don’t know. I am torn.
Hello Roger, Thank you for visiting my blog and your heartfelt and honest comment. As I read your comment, I immediately sensed the emotional pains and loneliness you have been experiencing. Also the sexual temptations and complications of your medical condition. However I also reflected on your obvious intelligence and creative use of language. I found myself wondering how you might bring those virtues to your social interactions and relationships with people in your community. Responding to sexual desires as the need arises is a part of life but also inherently limited in scope. I imagined that at 38 years of age, it may be time now to develop your social relationships and get involved in social activities that have deeper meaning for you and others. Activities that will bring you into contact with selected people in a common cause that will be enriching and allow others to witness your virtues as well. In my psychological work with middle-aged people, I have noticed that there often comes a time when a person realizes that they need more in their life than temporary excitations. A time when the importance of “relationships” with others are valued and looked for. I have seen people go through these changes and as a consequence meet quality like-minded people where love can sometimes spontaneously develop. I hope my words have encouraged you to think about what you as a unique individual have to offer, and how that might change your life. Good luck. Be well, Dr. Jordan
I am almost 65 and have never known love. Same as Randy I have never had a relationship. I have only had the odd date and that’s been it but none for many years. Of course I think about love and wonder what it and female companionship would be like. I always will and I do wish that I had known female attention. But I don’t understand all this talk of crushing loneliness and depression. I certainly don’t feel that. My life has always been filled with many interests like going out to hear live music, watching good movies and sports and talking to people I meet. I just don’t meet age appropriate people to ask out and in the past when I have I get one or two dates and that’s it. My point is that you can survive and enjoy many things in life even without love. I do.
I’m so encouraged by what you shared, Mark. While I’m a bit younger, at 35 and only having a successful romantic partner for 6 months, I’m pretty sure the single life is my calling. I’m not good at relationships, in general. I’m friendly and social but feel like I don’t know how to love people as my parents never really knew how to love me. Anyways, what I’m getting at is that I have a ton of interests and things I live and I feel like I can avoid the emptiness by investing myself in those hobbies and endeavors. Like traveling the world, saving the world, activism, art, etc. I’m encouraged to know that while love may not be in the cards, it doesn’t mean a life of emptiness will be a consequence.
I am 64 and I have known love, great and wonderful but fleeting in terms of one’s lifetime. Having known that, I have something to use as a means of knowing how that looks and feels. Such that I am in a relatively new marriage now, and living with someone who does not know how to share love, express love, be loving – it’s like flat lining. Could be an aspergers male. But I am boxed in – no income of my own now. The deep loneliness that comes from this “relationship” is making me defensive and hostile and yes, just as the good doctor describes here, pretty self destructive defensiveness which has to stop. Very hard caring for a man who gives nothing back except a pay packet.
I also think love isn’t my calling. It is sad no body can love me.
Me too 😔
I am just your replica down here in Nigeria, Africa. I have adult children. All have college degrees except the youngest graduating in medicine next year. lost their mother Feb last year. Extended family culture is beginning to die out in Nigeria. The children tend to mind their own essentially. have been a work alcoholic from childhood having been orphaned early. Practically, humans are basically selfish. I am learning to enjoy aloneness without loneliness. I have now time to to live music concerts, stadiums, library, evangelism, witnessing etc. I divert my energy to these things. I think this what they call sublimation.
Nigerian here too. never been married. 38. female. where are you from? you sound pretty accomplished! all my ex boyfriends had mother’s who always had revelations about me. my dad, they would say, sold my destiny, sold me to demons, spiritual husbands, etc. truly its been a long journey of rejection, from one deliverance program to another. it doesn’t help that I am very fat. and the weight won’t go no matter what I do. you have married, had kids, so, some stuff is not all bad like mine. good for you. anyway, it’s all about earth. life here. there is another endless beginning somewhere.
Am 30, I sincerely love had 3 strong relationships with girls in different periods. I am very romantic person. I was deceived and now am feeling to live without love and wish I could do so while enjoying my career and not hurting anyone, Just living without love attention.
I think my life could better if could live, working, going out and making money.
And I’m very similar, i am 48 years old, with the twist of circumstances for years of life without love, in any case it is not natural. I surrendered. What is there is difficult but the sea must live. Best regards for all.
Love is something that you give not that you receive! When you love others you have love in your life!
wow Simo U ve nailed it …!!!!!!!!!!!….saving Ur post….it is true that many ppl look for their own benefits …!!!!!!…..
I sell online and I like to give small fee gift with purchases …its so funny how ppl freak out when they get something free extra , some are literally moved to tears …some comeback and buy more …..(:
Not necessarily. Speaking of romantic love, it is not a given they’ll love you back. I know from experience. I still love my ex (divorced 33 yrs ago). I loved him while we were married. It did no good. He didn’t love me back in the same way and married someone else who was younger with bigger boobs. I’ve liked other men who didn’t return my feelings. Sometimes I feel as if I’m being punished for something. My life is to bear loneliness. No significant other, no children. I’m 67 now. The future looks bleak. I’m attractive, healthy, financially self sufficient. I’m too old for most men, now. Love is one of the reasons for being.
I know how you feel. it hurts like hell. I hope you can find someone soon. Do you know about Daily Strength online? I go there sometimes when I am feeling particularly awful and people there get it and you can chat with them. it’s not love or the real thing but sometimes it helps me get through the day. I’d like to give you a big hug and make your heart feel full and at ease. So sorry for all you’ve endured. I am looking forward to the end of my life, I am 54. My life is a torment. I hope the afterlife is peaceful. Maybe see you on daily strength sometime. I belong to the depression group. Wendy
I’m 65 and have had very few girlfriends. It’s been 20 years since I’ve had a companion , and I’ve realized for quite some time I’m gonna probably be alone the rest of my life. Its depressing, lonely, unsatisfying, and makes me feel less of a man. I still cant accept it even though my fate is sealed. I dont know how to get women .. never developed that skill. I wish I could come to grips with it, but I cant. It hurts very much and I’m dying a slow death because of it.
I know it is hard as I also feel lonely at 60. I pray that the rest of my life and yours gets a bit better. I volunteer with seniors and this helps give a sense of purpose. Don’t give up life is hard but there is always hope. 🙂
Hope everything is OK
I Am 41 Years Old Never Been In A Proper Relationship Women Have Never Shown Interest In Me. I Did Hope Too Be A Dad Have Loving Partner But It Has Never Happen. My Parents Have Both Passed Away. I Just Live Alone With My Cat He Has Been A Great Comfort.
Hi Richard, Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. As an animal lover myself, I certainly understand the great comfort that a loyal cat can provide. I can remember a period in my life where I lived as a single man in NYC with two cats. They were my family at that time in my life. I do believe that the 4th decade in life can be a special time of change. The mid-point in life, when a person looks at their life and decides what changes they need to make. Someone once confirmed this idea by saying that when you are in your 40s you are old enough (to look back at life that has been lived) and young enough to make whatever changes are needed to get what you want. Wanting to be a Dad and wanting to have a loving woman in one’s life are very attainable goals. However, making changes in yourself may need to occur before those goals can be obtained. Finding out what changes need to be made is something that can be accomplished by finding a supportive therapist or counselor with the objective of helping you define and make the necessary changes. I know that this is possible because as a psychotherapist I have helped people such as yourself make the changes they need to make in themselves that made goals such as love and family much easier to obtain. I hope this has been helpful to you and gave you something to think about. Again thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. Dr. Jordan
Hi Im a 63 yr old femae and been told I look good for m age and have never had anyone give me commitment, ive had many boyfriends and they have all walked away from me. ive questioned myself what is wrong with me / what have i done wrong. Ive given my heart out so many times to have it thrown back at me. I ask myself what am i doing her and what is my purpose what have i ended up like this and …yes contemplated ending it as I cant move forward. Im sick of trying and sick of being rejected. I tired of listening to others talk about their relationships listening to them talk about their holidays / Christmas times together
Ive never had true love as a child or adult …so whats next and how Im i going to end up…. im scared
Hi Linda, Thank you for visiting the Love Life Learning Center and your heartfelt comment. One of the biggest challenges in life is to overcome our past hurts and losses so that we can live to our fullest potential in the present. From your comment, I understand that the inadequate love you’ve experienced in your life has left painful aftereffects. I also know from your comment that the unresolved hurt has influenced how you feel as well as your relationships. I met and treated so many people over the years that got into patterns of finding the same hurtful relationships over and over again. And in most cases they were not aware of how they were doing so. When a person becomes aware of their relationship patterns they can then make changes to improve their chances of having a more satisfying love life. Also, and more importantly, because the pain of what you have felt can be so overwhelming you have contemplated suicide, I strongly recommend that you get yourself evaluated for treatment. Having someone to talk to about your feelings and disappointments will be a great relief to you and help you figure out what changes you need to make in order to change the direction of your life and love life. I recommend you do this right away. Learning how to take care of ourselves, is the first step in changing our lives for the better. Be well, Dr. Jordan
Me too Randy. I have times that I don’t know how to go on too. I have no advice.
There’s companionship. I have that in my husband and appreciate it. But the absence of romantic love is painful, barely tolerable. But for the sake of the young children we have, we go on. And on.
You are not alone. I have same with my wife. Hardly a companionship and NO love. My son is in college and the daughter is still in school (7 more years to go before college). I love my children, and divorce will be devastating for my daughter. Life is a prison (solitary confinement) and I wonder what will it be like if I am released from it after 7 years?
I am lonely too in my marriage.I want to set free myself, and wonder what it will be like…….
And i thought i was the only one going thru this….
It is hard, I feel my life has no meaning at all. Life without love is not life it is just a body that breathes, that’s all.
I somewhat agree with you, it’s so, so painful.
As an asexual I have been condemned by society to a loveless life, this life without love is not living but merely existing
Evey day wake up with the feeling,someone will be there.. But after the death of my parents,no one really was there.. It’s hard to admit that truth,but have to face it with dare.. Without the precious thing call Love,My mind is everywhere…
I fell the same.It’s awful, awful.
Wow. We should start a group for people like us. I just thought it was me.
I know right.
I agree because i thought i was all alone and there was no one in the world felt the way I did.
if you do…count me in.
Did you happen to start this group ? i would love to be a part of it
I made a Facebook group called : Giving up on love -living a single life , so if any or all of you could join ,i would be very happy .
I would join if it were a secret group. 🙂 but it’s not (I just looked it up) and outsiders can see who the members are. Your friends can also tell that you’re a part of the group and that’s not fun.
Please do! Invite me if you already made one 🙂
Am 20, but I have never been in love and I really enjoy my life and I don’t want to enter into the field. I have seen many of my friends get hurt because of that thing
One of my top questions to ask God when I get in front of him (her, it) in the afterlife is why is it that I didn’t have the chance in my life to love the way I’ve always known I could. What could the meaning be of a life without love? It’s a crushing pain that’s getting worse.
I’m 52 years old and still have hope that someone will be lucky enough to be the recipient of that. I’m glad to say otherwise that although I have no romantic love (and have never been pursued in any way), I do have many friends and people I care about (probably more than I should under the circumstances).
Wow, I too am Pete aged 52. My last relationship was when I was 20. I have never actually been on a date, apart from the 35 where I was either stood up or they ran away screaming as soon as they saw me.
All I know is that every single woman on the planet finds me utterly revolting, repulsive, and disgusting. I have spent the last three decades trying to figure out why – and at this point I have to accept that no-one is ever going to be able to tell me.
The rest of my life is great – good health, fit and slim, kind friends, never really cared about money (adept at living like a pauper and genuinely not bothered about it), plenty of things to keep me interested, and a deep love of nature. But life without love is crushing, and perhaps the worst part is that no-one ever accepts that part of me – just dismissing it as trivial (you can’t say that, you’ll meet someone) and the severe punishments (banishment) meted out whenever I admit to having any feelings.
I hate being alone at 55.I have been a carer to both my mother and father.I care for my son, who is 25 with depression.My daughter lives in Australia and only cares about her husband’s family and the father and uncle who never looked after her like me, a divorced single mother who managed very badly financially, after my forced return from Australia.Life is hell. And I feel I have been robbed of the right to live as a human being should.Life without love tears me apart.
I’m 18 years old, and many might think im too young and have a long beatiful life ahead of me. Maybe so. But i have felt love and still feel it towards people around me and towards stuff i do. Therefore i cant say i live without love and i think nobody really live without feeling it, things you like are also feeling love towards them. Two years ago i met one boy and we were together for a really little time. But the time didnt matter it was special, he was special. Now, 2 years later i still love him and think he is special, eventhough i know its only onesided and we cant never be together. I have met many other boys and fell in love too but it still isn’t the same and feelings aren’t so strong and they fade. Its hard to express my feelings towards this one boy but what i want to say is that i live knowing that i love him and there’s nothing to do to stop or ease it, but it doesnt mean that i cant be happy or enjoy my life, i can and i can do it without him. There was a time when i thought that my life was over and meaningless but really life is not about finding the love of your life and being with him, there’s more to life to exampel: learing from your mistakes and helping others. I think we are here, in this planet and in this life for experiences. Feeling things (love) is part of it. Helping and listening others is what i enjoy the most about life and it also helped me to learn how to live without love companion. It is crushing and painful sometimes but if i want to be happy i need to push down my feelings and learn to live without them, to do that i need to be aware of them and accept them and find other ways to feel love (friends, sport and other stuff). This is my opinion at least. Sorry about my grammar, english is not my first language.
wow! I’m impressed, although you are young but you are wise, your speech is really what i wanted to hear a while ago, it cheer me up and gave me a lot of hope. thanks a lot dear, may you find love in all aspects of your life
Truth be told, I am frightened, truly afraid of what will come, what the time has in storage. I’m in my early-twenties, no longer a boy who used to look at the world with open, clear, innocent eyes. For various reasons, I can’t seek other people out, as a victim of constant rejection I’ve become one to reject others. And due to various experiences, I just had to turn out to become a homosexual… can you believe the irony? I love myself and I accept myself as I am, I tell that to myself everyday. I seek to befriend myself and all the demons of mine, what would I do if I were truly alone in this vast, cold world? I’ve probably know it for a while now that I’m going to grow old alone, and die alone; I have decided not to participate in sexual intercourse, or seek relationships for that matter.
Guess what though? I’ve promised myself to live my life to the best of my ability and live as happily as I ever can. I won’t end my life. Though what the life may bring… I don’t know. I just wish for happiness, since love is something I can never have, other than unrequited love. Oh, and I’m Schediaphilic (drawn/anime/manga characters attract me), so even if I were to decide to seek out love, I could never find it. Some describe Schediaphilia as a kind of fetish, but for me I think it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I don’t necessarily feel a need to seek real humans as partners and a curse, because the feelings I developed for the characters will always, without doubt, remain unrequited.
What actually helps ease the pain, the thundering, raging heart, is writing poems, or working on book writing. Makes me actually write hell of a good stuff! I often also listen to music (soundtracks, classic, opera, whatever sounds good at the moment), play computer games (keeps mind busy), exercise daily (that feeling getting out of the house!), anything really and nothing at all. I slack off because I have no real motivation or ambition (may be for reasons others have mentioned above). I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or do drugs. I live vegan lifestyle.
I rarely share anything, but I guess even I need the feel to share.
For those of us, you, the ones living without love; I wish you good luck and happiness. Don’t sell yourselves short, you are strong. “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” — A quote from ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’
Stay well and safe.
I love your spirit,this is what I have promised myself too
I just wish my son, could overcompensate like you, I just wished that.
Wow this is inspiring
It has been nearly two and a half years since you wrote this and I found it just now. It is inspiring how you are trying to manage your life. It is true that a life without love is crushing at times but it also provides one with time to explore oneself and the world at large. Keep reading and writing and doing all the stuff that make your life meaningful. I would really like to come in touch with you and correspond via email. If you are interested then my email id is email@example.com
PS: And thanks for quoting Dumbledore.
Thank you to everyone who shares themselves so honestly and openly for the benefit of others 🙂 Can you see how solitude can bring people together? I choose to be alone, from past pains and fear of rejection, reject most forms of love from anyone (ironically strange, huh?), whether it be from a random stranger passing a compliment on the street, family members or crushes… Puppies and kittens are excluded of course! But I can still love. Love from afar, love deep down inside, love music, love sunshine and breezes, love walking, love sleep, love the idea of love! It may not sound like much to some, but for me it’s plenty 🙂 At the end of the day, we all are alone in so many ways – regardless of relationship status. I decided at age 13 that the human race is over-populating itself, there is no necessity to create children any more than there is to cure world poverty, and that the most important type of love in LIFE is love for thyself. That turned out to be spot-on true. Stay strong, stay connected, stay your own worst enemy and your own best friend. To me, those living solo are every day heroes.
i am a engineering student and 22 years old.now i am at a place where i am forgot every thing about me and my life . i have no worry about my future and job.i am fighting with myself and feeling alone in my life just because i was in love with a girl.now all the situations in my life make me a alone person. now i have no interest in making friends and any social activity and relatios.i was afrad that what is happeniong with me . i am not alone i think every one is alone. this is fact about the life and people do every thing to forgot that they are alone . but they can not avoid this.
Well..now I feel that I have the need to share my living experience. It wasn’t easy, being isolated. After several times of betrayal from friends and family members, I lost hope in life. No matter how hard I try to search for love, it just remains unseen. I am truly amazed that I have managed to not kill myself. Would it be better to die? As nobody cares whether Im living or not. What’s thr point of having a life like that?
you should live for yourself and not for anyone else, enjoy your life since no one can stop you, do whatever you want and Live like you’ve always dreamed, because you deserve this!
and believe me as long as you are free you should not worry about anything else, freedom is the most precious thing in the world
I feel the same way you do, but I will persevere until the end.I smoke though until I manage to regain balance after my both parents died.It’s hard as hell.
We seek human love. But it is elusive. I have been married for 30 years. But alone in my marriage. Only the studyof Jesus has shown me true love
I wonder how many people search for answers and then lose heart and not write anything .
I’m 52 divorced after 24 years, what I class as the main part of life now after being so close to some one for so long, I feel lost in life apart of me says , I’d like to try and find another woman to love, another part says no way ,betrade the heart ache the cost to my health my feeling our daughters life torn apart dreams lost , I believe I’ve hit rock bottom the only way is up ,but been here now 3 years I have the drink fully under control (not that I lost it) no drugs again not the answer.
Question is , how long till I see the light ?
I am 33 years old, still unmarried, I stopped searching for love, I think you won’t find it here,instead i search for a passion and spirituality, and adventure.pursue creativity. I have noticed that people in relationships are more lonely than single people.love looks too superficial.never give up,give life some meaning, spend more time with nature it will improve moods.having pen pals is a good idea as somebody mentioned above.
I’ve tried to read the comments above as much as possible. I could find some relief seeing that I was not alone in loneliness. I’m turning 30 living with my parents and I guess I go through a life crisis myself. I have lost my once dearest friends. Not that they all left me – there were some I left on the way because I could see how unreal to me. I often times find myself questioning my life. Sometimes I feel I am not happy about my job, teaching, either. On the top of all these, I cannot help asking myself why I have no that someone special I could share my life with. Each year things get tougher than before for me – most probably my treshold to bear life keeps lowering and I am scared to face it all myself. I keep myself busy with my job, students, graduate studies currently, yet whenever I go bed at night, I could hear walls taking to me. Life gets harder then. I pretend I am against relarionships whatsoever but deepdown I feel kind of angry towards life for meeting the wrong people and getting wounds somewhere clise to my heart.
i find myslef in a very similar situation I am just looking for a friend whom i can have for life that unconditional friendship with no malice. Can we be friends ?
Hi, you are only 30! Don’t dwell on it, instead be busy with plans and actions for your future, be happy and love will find you! And when you have it, take care of your loved one and never take it for granted!
Hey everyone. I’m not too old, and I’ve felt abandoned many times (by family members, in my job as a minority in age and race, by friends…) but I had to realize that God loves me! I was made for a specific reason- so even when I was all alone and binge eating and crying every night, wondering when things were going to change (would I get a new job, could I even save enough money to relocate?) I had peace when I pused and read scripture: we were all made for a reason. So even in my darkest times, I could press on. Thankfully, I started serving others and finding my passions and purposes outside of the office, as well as a church family, and things got better. I was able to put down the rejection I felt from seemingly all angles of my life. I’m thankful that I realized God’s love and purpose, and I hope that you all realize this too.
Hello everybody I’m sorry that I’m writing my tale whaich is not so hurtful but i’m getting hurt everyday. I’m 24 year old male and have never known that love that binds two soul together. I have tried though. So in order to coping with that I always tries to bind with other female whether she is a stranger or not as to seek connection, and I always fails. So here I am always getting hurt whenever I seek out love. Seems like one part of my ife is always gets lost whenever that happens. Don’t know how much more I can keep up. Maybe I’m not born to experience love like others do.
I often feel like relationships has turned out to be some kind of status thing rather than actual love. I look at my friends and it feels like when their hearts break it’s because they no longer are fulfilling the ideal rather than missing the actual person – and so often that person is (seriously) a douchebag. They miss parts of it – the touch and probably the attention from friends but I don’t think they actually miss the person as a whole. It’s made me extremely realistic when it comes to love, I don’t want someone ‘just because’ I want someone to love because I truly appreciate and adore them. Unfortunately that brings a lot of pressure on that person because they would have to be amazing.
I think we in general also put a lot more into love than there actually is – I know I do (as you can read in the paragraph above). We’re blinded by the epic romances in movies and books and truth be told no love is like that in real life. People all have flaws and we don’t correlate perfectly with each other but to love is to oversee that. In the west we have a tendency to think that we’ll find someone perfect just for us when really, we all need to chill.
I think what we really lack (with an exception for sex and that stuff – which is a human basic need) is to be understood by our surroundings and that romantic love can actually be replaced by deep and accepting friendship. I think we all in general need to connect more but it doesn’t seem like anyone knows how.
In other cultures it’s very common to have a deeper sense of community than where I live (I live in a big city), I can see the loneliness increase with social media. It feels more like we’re fighting for attention than actually be happy for each other’s success. I think this puts even more pressure on ‘the perfect relationship’.
I know I have a lot of defenses that keep me from experiencing forfilling love, just like what’s written in this article but everyday I see the same tendencies in the people around me. Everyone’s a bit lonely and that is both extremely sad but also hopeful – maybe there’s a way to help eachother out. I know I felt better just reading everyone else’s stories on this site – knowing I wasn’t the only one.
I don’t think we should feel different or outside the norm at all, people like us just have a tendency to not be represented in media even though we are common. I wish all of you the best and that you can feel complete without love or that you can find something else to conquer your attention. Most of all I wish for you to feel no shame about who you are, because there is really nothing wrong being this way.
This is so spot on! From myself I just want to add that I just never give up. There are just so many people out there that you can try to connect with. Yes, you’ll get hurt. But I for one feel fucking strong, maybe I’m a daredevil…but I don’t give up.
You spoke such words of truth and utter sheer wisdom, not exagerating; say we feel the need to connect, we want to, but how, how do we do it, what’s missing, what’s impeding us? I’ll come to your text later to remind me of the truth.
We should build bridges instead of walls.Life is scary with love and companionship.people are so distant now, so cold.
Hey everyone, I’ve learnt the following which I would love to share in hope of helping everyone in some way :
1. Your belief system will put you in the vicious cycle if you don’t change it.
2. Speak what u want to see as the information that goes into your heart then becomes a reality and belief
3. Whatever you feel will radiate energy which in turn attract or fail to attract right people in your life.
4. Start believing right and believe what you want to see in life, and it will happen. Right believing brings about right living.
5. Start loving yourself and focus on what makes you whole, before finding love and giving love.
6. Live and love without expectations. Because expectations almost always fail you.
7. Remember that having someone in your life to love does not equate happiness.
8. Only when you realise that the highest form of love is from God that you will achieve inner peace and happiness.
9. It’s not simply about finding someone, it’s about having the right person in your life to love you and whom you may love unconditionally.
10. Seek God and all will be blessed unto you.
What love are we seeking? I’ve been failed many times when I put trust in my own judgement or on the person. I have learnt to trust God to find me the right person at the right time because only his plans will bring me peace and true happiness.
Thank you for reading and I hope this helps.
You are absolutely right and through your information given it shows you are in touch with your higher power. Continue to bless the world with this higher wisdom/truth. One can not attract proper love until one properly loves the self.
What if you haven’ t been properly loved? How can you love yoursel, it’s a mystery.
Thanks for the article. I am wondering how do I put these psychological defenses up successfully? I am an unlovable and undesirable female. I need to learn how to live a loveless life. You mentioned these defenses we put up so we don’t get hurt. How? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Hi.. I m married for two years after a 5 year relationship. I thought things were gonna get even better than they were,but no. We lost the love we had for each other.. It vanished.. Not by itself.. We quarreled a lot about certain things and we still quarrell and I dont think we will ever agree on something. And I miss being loved by a man. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the caring.. I miss feeling love. I dont know what to do. I keep telling myself that this is not the way I want to live my life. I only have one life and I dont want to feel angry all the time. Because I am. I m angry exactly because I miss love. I am afraid to change my life for 360 degrees. I am afraid to look for live again, cause I ve learned that love is easy to get, but hard to keep. And I dont want to lose it again.
Hi Gigi, I feel exactly the same… I am not married yet, but in long-term relationship (10 years) and I miss love more and more. I mean the feeling – the chemical cocktail, the person who thinks I am awesome. My boyfriend does care about me but it seems he doesn´t like anything I like, he doesn´t think I am great anymore. And I feel angry all the time. But I am afraid to change my life – what if I make a big mistake just for the drug called love? So I wait SOMETHING happens and fell angry that I waste time of my only life. I also can´t imagine to marry him, how could I promise I will love him no matter what when I don´t love him now?
If anyone wants to start a group chat on Kik messenger my Kik name is bama.guy
What if you haven’ t been properly loved? How can you love yourself, it’s a mystery.
My age 46, female. I have a girlfrn age of 40. We love so deeply, we care each other for few years. Now, she’s in spritual life.. avoiding to not closed wt me. She was in prayers before meet me. Once she fall in love wt me, she didnt feel tht she’s in spiritual life. She shouldn’t let me have sexs n deeply love. Sumtimes she will said loving me, in sudden will avoid me in name of spritual life. Making me confused till today. As i know we are not lesbians, we are really beautiful lovers
The last stayement: “It’s sort of like giving up a stifling habit you’ve gotten used to that once had a purpose but have now outgrown.” Changed my life! Thank you so mich for these words. I know this might sound silly to some folks but I compare this with Cola-soft drinks. I gave up Coke. And I miss it sometimes, health wise I am ina better spot. This is the exact sma thing. And I know I can always go to the store and het me a Soda, I refrain as I know the damage that cause me. Again this has been an eye opening moment for me (Ah’-Ha’, if you will).
I did have love ones….My husband died when i was 41…I’m now 56…and i so want to be with him….I’m tired of crying when i see lovers holding hands …I sit here watching TV..Watching crying…it hurts so much…I want to die..I live in pain so my kids and grand kids don’t have to live knowing i was such a loose that killed herself….
Don’ t do that, keep fighting to be alright as I do.
I’m 53 and have had love once in all my life. True love reciprocated by a great woman, but the love was not “enough” to change my defenses that keep people out. After a lifetime of being alone prior to marriage it was hard to change. So I lost that love and now for the past 22 years have been either in non-loving, mostly asexual relationships or trying and failing to grasp love. Just lost a woman who I cared for more than I thought possible because she can’t trust love. So now I think I’m going to sit the rest of life out. I have dogs and will get more. I try to sleep when I need to, eat and drink when necessary. I will enjoy music and friends but live with this crushing emptiness and longing. Sanity sometimes requires we give up on hope for love. You can’t make someone love you and shouldn’t try. And in all honesty after living with someone I didn’t love that is out of the question as well. Faith helps but one wonders why love is so hard for some, me, and others seem to sail through life surrounded by love. I miss the woman I love, talking to her especially, you never know how wonderful life can be when you have someone to share and talk with about life. So I’m done, as Imtold her when she said “move on”, somImshare with you, I’m done and life wins. Hope is the most insidious villain in this world, it still causes us to long but knows she will never return. So I’ll find a nice patch of earth to sit on and just wait out the clock. Have a drink, enjoy some friends and count on nothing but loneliness. This is existence not living, I’m opting out of living again.
Im 37 and have long since given up on having any sort of romantic connection. I had an abusive upbringing, was shown no real love or affection, and I partially blame this on my problems.I actually enjoy being alone, it feels safe to me, but I certainly do feel the sting of loneliness. Whenever anyone gets to close I go into absolute panic mode and run in the other direction, I’m aware I’m behaving irrationally but the impulse that danger is afoot and I need to get away is so strong I cant fight it. Im sure the abuse and neglect I was subject to caused or at lest significantly contributed to this. I just try to make the best of being alone, try to meditate, stay away from alcohol and drugs (problems for me in the past), but I’m 99.9% sure my life will be a solitary one.
I am 19 yrs old orphan for a long time I questioned my beliefs I don’t want to love anyone but my heart says me to love I hate it because it makes me feel week I lost my parents when I was born I was adopted by an old couple at the age of 16 there dead I lost everyone in my life and I feel like committing suicide I loved a girl when I was 16 but she left me after 3 months when she was found I was an orphan I was severely depressed it was then I got into drinking at age of 16 I feel like my life is was forever be empty till I die
I am 19 yrs old orphan for a long time I questioned my beliefs I don’t want to love anyone but my heart says me to love I hate it because it makes me feel week I lost my parents when I was born I was adopted by an old couple at the age of 16 there dead I lost everyone in my life and I feel like committing suicide I loved a girl when I was 16 but she left me after 3 months when she was found I was an orphan I was severely depressed it was then I got into drinking at age of 16 I feel like my life is was forever be empty till I die
there is always a person who cares in this life…for everyone
Why do humans have such a deep need for love when it never happens for everyone? It almost seems like we’re being punished for doing nothing wrong. It makes me so sad and sometimes depressed to know that I’m unlovable and that I’ll never be loved for the rest of my life. Being 39, I still have half of a life to live, and don’t know how to be completely happy without love. At age 33 I met my soulmate, and we had four wonderful years together until he cheated on me. There is no chance of us ever getting back together because before I found out about the cheating, he broke up with me by email saying that he cannot marry me because of my family. The deep pain caused from countless devastating situations since I was little will never be healed. My shattered heart is closed up from the world, and it’s impossible to fully enjoy all the activities that I still participate in because of the pain. I was born into a life with no love, yet still seemed to find hope when I was younger that things would be different if I’d find my soulmate. Life is never fair, and living without love makes life so much more painful and difficult even when staying busy.
I want to thank you all for sharing your life experience with lack of love. I also thank the author of this article that brought so many comments.
I sometime feel I’m alone in this world living this loveless life, so I really appreciate reading comments pf people who have walked in my shoes.
I’m 42 and I’ve lived a loveless life since ever. The only time dated a girl I was 17 and it lasted only 3 months and although I had feelings for her I can’t say I was in love. So I went through this life without experiencing any romantic love.
I guess it started badly since as a child I already felt my mother didn’t have any love for me. As a teen I heard her talking to a friend of her saying she didn’t love me. One day we argued and I told her that but she denied. Thankfully I had a loving dad as a kid so I guess I wasn’t that unfortunate. But I think the absence of a maternal love had played a major part in my low self esteem which has lead me to being depressed all my life up untill now.
The reason I find out about this article is because I’m tired of being depress due to the feeling that I’m worthless. I’m tired of going through this life thinking what’s the point. I can’t go like that anymore. So I’ve started to think a lot about thigns like love (love from parents, syblings, romantic love), depression, self esteem, social life, social status, the purpose of life etc…
I think all these topics have an impact on my unhappiness. Asking myself question about those matters and reading articles like this one above might help me to find some answers and hopefully live a less unhappy life.
Again, thanks for all the comments and I sincerely wish you all the best
Am 23 and i feel as if i cant love anymore. i was in a relationship which was good but after some years we broke up after that i searched for love but everytime i get to know one i feel as if they are not right for me, so i decided i should embrace life and love it. i keep myself busy with taking photographs but am worried if my life will turn up lonely when am much more older and rely only to myself.
There are so many of us…goodness!
I don’t get it. Made of love, made to love but no love…
Life’s cruel joke.
35, never married, never loved.
Pain so sever at times you cant breathe…
Great to know there’s a whom tribe of love-forsaken orphans like me.
Best of luck to us all…what a load to carry…
I am 43 and just beginning my life of loneliness and lovelessness. I have had 3 major long-term (at least 2 years) relationships and then met my husband then 7 years later divorced my husband. When I began getting over the excruciating pain of the divorce and started dating again 2 years ago, all the men that I met and who have pursued me are already in serious relationships. All of them (5 so far) have initially lied about it but then I either caught them or they admitted to wives/girlfriends. One of them even said as I told him we were over “But EVERY guy has a girlfriend”. I guess that is what you have to expect once you hit 40? Many people are already paired up and are going out to have affairs. I am not interested in married men or having an affair. So I am not going out anymore for a while and I am trying to invest in myself and a life without love. Any advice on getting through Friday and Saturday nights alone?
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell
My story is entirely different. I loved a girl 3 years back, she married someone else 2 years ago. she told me that she loves me very much and I was in her thoughts and heart till the very last minute of her wedding. After coming back to office from her marriage vacation, she told me all these things. She used to look at me with so much love and affection that no girl till now looked at me like that. After a year I changed to another company for my career growth, but still was in touch with this girl. we never had physical relationship but my hear is so much longing for her till this time. She loves me still, I know but she had stopped talking to me recently as she want to be a loyal wife to her husband. But I can not forget her, she comes in my dreams and always I am constantly lost in her thoughts. I want to come out of this but sometimes it feels so good to think about her and some times it is of so much pain. I feel like I am deprived of love and affection. now I am tried to find a girl to marry but I think this constant depression of missing my love will haunt me forever.
teri he bas talaash hai wahan…..
tu he mera libass hai wahan…
im so empty in mi feelings,thoughts,minds,heart and in mi whole life without her…..
O! people of the WORLD pray for my wellness…..
I went through a couple relationships which might have been serious, but I couldn’t see taking the next step after dating and they all fell apart. I even think I kept myself deliberately underemployed so that I could claim that I didn’t have enough money to get married. But there were lots of casual encounters, no strings or future, and I was happy with that. But then I got therapy for a year through a research study. I was persuaded to open up. This coincided with meeting a guy through a group of friends. There was an instant attraction. We hooked up on the first date. I had all the messy emotions. A couple of my friends said don’t do it, he’s a great friend but a terrible boyfriend. He admitted that he was attracted to me in a different way than his usual casual sex. He said that no one but me ever spent the night at his house, they left afterwards. A good friend of his confirmed this. I spent the night several times, and even the next day. The irony of the situation was that if I had been my “whatever” pre-therapy self, I would have had the walls up, had fun, and got on with life. Stupid therapy! For what was likely the 1st time I was open, but it was with someone as emotionally self-protective as I used to be. I was terribly hurt, and that’s just not going to happen again. No dating & I’m fine with it.
I just turned 62. I was loved unconditionally by my grandmother for the first 38 years of my life. My parents “loved” me but I never felt it was genuine. I was married for 25 years and was married to “the love of my life” and “soulmate”. When he cheated and left, I was devastated – still am. I have tried dating and have found nothing but liars, cheaters and con men. I have two adult children who I “love” but they have their own lives. There will be no grandchildren so I don’t have little ones to love. Both of my cats died and I have no desire to replace them. I realize that I have no one now and it’s devastating. I never thought I’d end up alone and unloved. Don’t buy into the bullshit of “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I wish I would have been alone from the start. At least then I wouldn’t know what a beautiful time I am missing. I pray every day that I won’t wake up but then I do. I literally drag myself through my days and cannot wait for sleep every night. I NEED love in my life but it’s gone forever. I hate my life.
Just feeling like that, myself.To have loved and lost, it is mind crazy.Hang on, you have to overcome that stage of your life and find things that you love to do, to distract you, and keep an open mind.It will help your suffering heart.Things might get better in time.
Lynn and Lucia , like both of you I am also feeling the loneliness and a need to feel love . Difference is I am married …you can be with someone and feel alone. When you do not have not much in common with your husband then eventually don’t like being with them. Divorce is complicated . That’s my situation. Sounds like I’m selfish but it’s the truth . I’ve been feeling like this for many many years. Too scared to get out so I live in limbo and unhappy and lonely.
I hope you both can find love soon…You still have hope..
I understand so many of the feelings shared here. I too have been confused at times about the lack of love or evasiveness of love in my life. The thoughts can seep in easily. I was badly abused as a child and at age 21 met the first person to show me love and affection. It wasn’t long before we were in a loveless marriage, trapped, until he had an affair. He just up and left one day, and I was abandoned again. I am often scared, worried about what might (or might not) happen on any given day. I have a dog who I believe has saved my life, as I often feel that I have nothing else to live for. Sometimes I think I am asleep – some sort of long dream or nightmare, I’m not sure which – and that I will wake up and there will be a family waiting for me, wondering where I have been, happy to see me. I find comfort and empathy by reading others’ comments here. Many blessings to all of us for what we have gone through and have the courage to deal with every day.
My situation could be a little different. I was raised in a very restricted religious environment. I was raised being taught that it is the job of our Creator to provide us with a partner, therefore we have to simply wait. therefore, I was not able to develop life skills on how to approach women. So, I waited. All of sudden I am above 40.
I have never been loved. I had crush to some girls which were not part of my church. However, because of the conviction that grew in me since childhood, I had no option other than burning inside with a desire. I am successful in other aspects of life. I have achieved so much what others would envy. However I feel emptiness. As you guys said, loneliness as crushing beyond words can tell. Now I am thinking back to those religious fathers who have subjected me to this life. I still respect them and understand their desire to maintain a holy church. However, I feel that,in the process, I am robbed off my life. I have begun to develop disdain and hatred to those people who subjected me this horrible and tasteless life. Now in retrospect, I believe that was not the Will of the Lord for me to lead that kind of life.
This comment section is probably the most beautiful and wholesome thing I’ve ever read on the internet. Thanks so much to everyone for sharing your stories, your pain. I’ll share mine.
I’ll turn 36 in three weeks. I hope I don’t sound vain but I’ve come to find out that I’m exceptionally beautiful, smart, funny, sociable. I’m a people person, everybody’s darling. I could be a total catch. Just that I’m not. I’ve loved so deeply so many times and I’ve always been open to love but I’ve never been in a serious relationship and have never been loved by anyone romantically.
Men often feel attracted to me and I often get deep connections either on a physical or an emotional level, I’ve had a few of these weird fake partnerships where just one of the two (physical or psychological level) is intensely strong but never both and men have liked me “do much” but there’s always this last step missing, that last piece that’s needed to make them feel in love.
I’ve come up with this theory when I was a teenager, that I’m lacking something in my DNA, that there’s something wrong with my pheromones or something. Something chemical that would make it possible for people to like me, even a lot, but never to love me. I’ve always hoped that I’m wrong but it has always been so painfully true. I’ve never met anyone else who was as completely blocked from being loved as me and I’m beginning to lose hope.
I’ve met a wonderful man almost two years ago and the way he looked at me, the way he treated me, the way he cherished me ignited a sensational spark in me: it all looked like love! He made me feel loved like never before. But even after all this time and despite my very open heart we’re just friends (very weirdly so), we’ve never even kissed and he just keeps me at arm’s length and the slow process of my last little flame being extinguished is so immensely painful that I can barely take it. Here I thought it had finally, finally found me but yet again I was wrong.
Now I’m starting to learn to accept my fait and I’m starting to get used to the thought that I really might be alone forever, that I really might be one of the people who will one day die and never have known what it’s like to be loved and I’m trying to make my peace with these thoughts. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault – that’s the most important lesson I’ve learned on the way.
It’s not your fault (trust me)!
I’ve read in one of the comments how frustrating the usual answers to this horrible fait are. “Oh just you wait”, “don’t be silly, you’ll find someone”, “you’re so loveable, this is nonsense, come on”, “I really doubt that no one’s ever loved you”, “don’t give up hope, there’s someone out there” – I know, people just say that to make me feel better but they just don’t get it: they make it worse. I hear these phrases so often and the only thing I get from them is: you have no f*ing clue what it’s like. They make me feel even more left out, different, wrong, lonely.
Also: what if I don’t? What if there is really no one for me? What if one day I’m eighty and I’m still unloved? I’d rather give up hope now and try to live my life as best as I can then wait for something that will most likely never happen.
The only good advice anyone’s ever given me on this: even though what you’re experiencing is awful and painful and so horribly unfair – you’re getting to spend your life with one of the most amazing people in the world. Yourself. So I’m being the best possible partner for myself. I’m buying me a gift for Valentine’s every year. I’m buying myself flowers and postcards. I make a beautiful advent calendar for myself every year with the nicest and most precious little gifts (do you guys have these? The one counting from December 1st to 24th? If not: start it!) I’m traveling to the most beautiful places alone, I’m hugging myself when I’m sad, I’m just treating myself as lovingly as I can.
Because if I don’t do it, no one will.
Take care, be good to yourselves. Allow yourselves to be sad because holy damn shit, it is awfully sad! And then take all this love you’re carrying in your heart and that no one seems to want and give it to yourself. Because you deserve it.
I see all the inspiring comments and stories here. But I’m sorry I can’t be the encouraging one. I’m just 25 and I know a lot younger than most of you but I’m sure you can relate how crushing loneliness can be. I’m just disheartened that after so many years, there’s been many but there hasn’t been the one, if there’s any.
I came upon this post just now and have read many of the comments above. I too feel as if I will never be loved. I have loved others but it wasn’t returned. Rejection is painful whatever your age….At 53 I feel as if I’m out of options. Memories are bleak and don’t offer a lot of joy if any. I was however given some good advice and that was to offer myself the love and kindness I would give to someone else who was feeling as I do. I have to find a way to love who I am. And that’s hard. It’scan’t be about having hope that someone will love me… maybe we are the lucky ones we have the opportunity to be whole within ourselves. It is lonely and I do feel sad that maybe I have missed connections on that deeply soul level. I wonder at the ease some people have with others and the joy that follows from it.
Reading the comments made me feel not so alone so thank you to all who have shared. Be kind to yourselves and thank you again.
Great article. Really looking forward to read more.Really Cool..
Shelters by a over baring mother and resentful father. Whom both chased each others friends off being miserable toghther. Then using me as a pawn in a chest game. Had friends but could never be one of the guys as was always stuck to mom’s hip by force,and methylation of morals and enotions. To the point I resented every thing of life.
Could never have a gf,self righteous mother woud always stick her nose in. Father could careless. Fired from jobs from mother in siting on blabbering till 3am of the same story,or cause ww3 if tried to shut her out.
My spirit broke at age 19,when I had no friends. Had a melt down at 25, moved off only to be tracked down with mother on front door,with no place to go. Father kicked her out, morals aloud her to stay till was evices week later as she couldn’t keep mouth shut. Back to the family home. With spirt broken again. Resent for any thing in life. Melt downs inbetween, praying to just die.
Both had massive heart attacks at 39yrs of my age. Since I cant let myself trust anyone or know how to be in a rwaltionship. And stuck to tat would never have kids to put in my situation. As yes kids are u use to take care on you as you die in you finally burdening stage.
It’s a lonly life, luster after the want of love but now at my age of middle 40s crappy job, and faded looks. All I canmustmmm can muster is a wart hog. That I have no attraction to only joy for me is counting down days to my death to finally be free.
am a 27year old man that’s been use and hurt by family friends and love ones.now I honestly don’t know at this point if it’s worth loving another human being but what I do know is that despite it all I’ll love my self first I know that I been there for people even they never was there for me wend I needed them I know that God took time to make me and I don’t believe in religion bull shit. so if love dont come my way it’s ok because I already love my self and wend I was born i was by my self wend I die i will die by my self.i don’t care how evil and twisted people might be that’s there problem not mine at all.
I’m in the same page too. I have been loved and destroyed from them only. I don’t trust any guy who says that they love me. They just want to play around. People don’t come to us unless they need something from us. As a good human being what we can do is help them and expect nothing in return. It’s really good to be positive, love yourself no matter what. God is always there. He takes us in troubles to make us strong only. We need to have a connection with him. You need to Pray and have a peaceful mind!!!
This whole comment thread hit home very hard.
I am a 21 years old female lesbian
For some reasons,when I started high school, I believed from the bottom of my heart that I would find love during those years. I always thought kids had their first relationships in highschool and get to have experiences from them. Fell in love, never had a chance to talk to her before she moved to another province. It took me 5 years to feel okay with the fact that she is gone forever. During high school I had several crushes and always pushed myself to make contact. I always gave my best to them but because I was depressed since age 11, something in me made them run away or straight up rejected me. ALL of them.
My first kiss was at 18 years old with a girl who never wanted to commit to me and become exclusive and after a month of sleeping around I put an end to it. Years later ironically I started speaking to one of my highschool crush again and we started dating. Long distance made me see her only a few times before she got tired of me. Fell in love again after that but only to an unavailable woman. Most lesbians my age acts like teenage boys trying to get laid. I get emotionnally closer with older women or straight women. As a minority, the demographic for other lesbian or bi women around here isn’t that high even with an open city ( the reason I live there, to find love).
I have been feeling this longing since I was around 13 yo. Depression has grown to become part of my personnality and loneliness is the reason I will die by my hand one day. I cannot stand living in this kind of society that rejects me without even taking time to get to see. They are passing a good fucking soul who would love you to the deepest without judgement and would be faithfull and honest. Bitterness is hard to avoid after so many years of playing with the concept of love without being allowed to know the real qualia of it. Why so many of us have to battle by themselves, of course we think of death it’s debilating. At some point this energy coming out of your contained love turns into anger towards yourself or extreme sens of distress. For me, love is something that happens in the movies or to anybody else but me. It’s a primordial need to be met but I can’t fulfill it only by having hope or being motivated. I wish it would actually kill me the same way hunger would if there was nothing I could feed myself with. Food is the nutriment of the body and love is the one to feed the soul.
You got lots of courage to share your story with the world. You are only 21 years old. You haven’t loved your life yet. There’s more to your life. One day you will find your love but before that you will have bad experience of course so you’ll be ready when you meet your partner emotionally. Best thing you can do it forget about everything and focus on yourself. Try to be happy with what you have in your life. Be healthy, try to learn something keep yourself busy. Killing yourself is not an option and i have tried. It will only hurt the people who love the most. Let try to face everything.
It’s not always easy, but that’s life. Be strong. Know that there are better days ahead…
I am in a bad marriage. Now in another country not with my husband . I choose this thinking it will save our marriage from daily fights and abuses.but i am afraid my husband doesnt even call nor return my calls may be he need someone young and better. Feels alone and wants to travel world. Dont know why me always.
oh wow, nice article and comments. i was lucky, never had my mum after i was 6 m8nths old, was fostered out for two years , then my absent munded father came and got me because had a new wife who really loved to smash my head into walls and make my nise bleed. my dad was away at sea lots and when home he would just go out and drink.they broke up when i was 7 and my dad never spent time with me ….so i retreated to comouter programming. as i grew i always wanted and craved love from a girl……and this was probably a bad way to be……as it never happened. now i, 47 but look younger…….years of heart ache with a few women…….confusion, and learning to ignire the whole planet of people, and go onto my own make believe world of nit ever be8ng close to anyone….. i do have some women from time to time who want to have sex, but they just almost disgust me. …i run an actuvity group to keep me appearing social….but inside im distant constantly now…….expect nothing from anyone, and go my own way. i think ill get a dog.
I read a lot of your stories; I can surely add another, but there is no story lonelier, than the one writing it; so, what difference does it make? The only difference is that we are not alone, in a group, feeling lonely; it is kind of ironic, isn’t it?
I think about God, a lot, and I wonder, what it must be like to create a world, where you are not much wanted; I mean, if God, Truly is Love. How truly, can we say, ‘this is honestly, a loving world? Maybe, it is me; I do my best to help, and am often met, with judgment, rather than assistance. I understand people being born into broken inheritance; that’s my story, as well.
What I don’t understand is the ‘I was born this way attitude’, as if it were a badge of some kind, to hurt & ignore & lie & cheat, others, like ourselves. We might as well say Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Charles Manson, John Wayne Gary, Jeffrey Dahmer, or anyone else, was just ‘born that way’; so, does that make what we do, right, to hurt each other, ignore, lie, steal, & walk all over life? So, what are we going to do about it? Excuse our behavior, or come together and be the comfort, we are so lonely for?
It’s nice to know there are people going through what I am going through. Faith helps. no love no husband no kids nothing yeah it’s painful but imagine how painful when the usual coping strategies don’t work anymore. you need ENERGY to keep living, keep getting up everyday, keep trying to be what God wants you to be, because the only hope left is the hope of salvation.loneliness is for the earth, but, in Zion, there is no sadness. unfortunately it takes a lot of struggle to get there and a lot of energy to struggle amidst the crushing loneliness. So far, I have discovered two options: work till you drop and pretend you have become the pain, or, Escape. pretending can only last so long and escape routes are always self destructive, not to mention time wasters, e.g.., WEED. but it’s kind of ironic. your trying to escape time cos it’s time that makes you feel the despair. and yet, time is all you have to make the effort to prepare for eternity. good topic, good blog.
We all have our stories. Mine is equivalent. I won’t go into the details.
But God it hurts. I don’t know how to cope with it, I don’t know how to accept it, and I don’t want to accept it. It’s obscene. Am I really to go my whole life with nobody loving me, or letting me love her?
It’s like being on the planet Eden in “The Way to Eden,” an episode of the original “Star Trek”: I’m starving, and all of the tempting abundant fruit around me is poisonous, all of the beautiful flowers laced with deadly acid. That’s been my experience with women (romantically, I mean. I’ve never had any problem with women professionally or platonically).
I’ve tried everything to try to understand the problem, from astrology to psychology to philosophy to mental health, and I’ve always found answers, and I’ve never found any answers.
I’ve done everything I could think of to find Ms. Right, and I found her four times: The first one was a flake, the second one was a sadist, the third one (my wife) is a coward, and the fourth one was a phony. All had one thing in common: they didn’t love me—they had other uses for me.
My best relationships have been affairs, where the woman and I both knew what we were doing, the limitations of it, and that it was temporary. But I’ve never had anyone to offer me support, anyone I could confide in, anyone behind me, in my corner, anyone to talk to or to do things with, or who would let me fulfill that role for her.
That so many people are in the same boat doesn’t help at all. If anything, it makes it worse. These needs are genuine—in me and in everyone else—just like our needs for food and sleep. How can love be so hard to find when so many people are looking for it? And why would someone deliberately destroy her own marriage? This is perverse. It can’t be this way. And yet it is.
On the planet Eden, you would starve if the acid didn’t kill you first. So, amid my pain from the acid burns, I starve. And many people do. And it’s obscene.
Hi all I’m 55 have a loveless life no family no friends just a job and a house and a car.
That’s about if really it’s tough when you have love to give but nobody to share it with.
I find life so boring I get home from work and just lay in bed till the next work day begins.
I have no purpose only to work and that’s not very rewarding.
I can’t be bothered trying the whole dating thing if it hasn’t happened by my age seriously it ain’t gonna happen.
Just except this lonely boring life and deal with it.
I hope you all have better luck than I had.
My childhood was full of violence between my parents, but each showed me love when the other was not around – and that was not often. As a male with a very small and thin build (BMI says “seriously underweight” – and always has been, bullying and rejection has been constant throughout my life – but I do my best to cope. So I have always thrown myself into activities that require much mental ability (which is kinda easy with an IQ of 120). But now into old age (69 years), I simply wait for that final release of death: I didn’t ask to be created, nor the rotten hand I was dealt.
And writing all that was not easy by any means.
there is always hope, just believe
I was getting so good putting up psychological barriers to wanting love. By my late 20s I realized I would never have the experience of being young and in love. I am not attractive and spent my life obsessing to make my body better, fashion, makeup, to little avail. Sex with no strings or fuck buddies is all that was on offer. Sometimes it seemed like a man would be interested in me and I would be open and show him I was also interested but then he got scared, or lost interest idk. I thought I accepted my lot in life and focus on what good there is.
Unfortunately my stupid ass mind wandered to what it would be like to live out all the love in my heart and now been crying for days. I can’t believe in a loving god when all I want is to share the love in my heart with someone but never will be able to. The only prayer I have is that there is no reincarnation because living like this more than once could only be pure evil.
Ive read everything here and my life above 40, now sucks… no love from my wife, who is busy with her own parents… not getting divorce due to my 10 year daughter, whom I love very much…. living a loveless life is crushing…. only way is to pass time and avoid life… financially also not doing great… don’t know what to do
Dont keep a marriage together because of a child. Mine are now grown, this same daughter you love, might call you once a month in a few years when she leaves you. Trust me, I sacrificed my life for my children, giving up an education and career so I could be there for them. Now I am stuck with a husband who has his prostitutes waiting at my door in the morning when he leaves for work, financially, I can not afford to leave. I am in my 50s now, they say my chances of getting hit by lightening are better than finding another mate. Get out now, while you are still young enough.
My husband is Alexithymic and he is not capable of love. I am a Christian and divorce is not an option for me. I need to accept that I will never be loved and be okay with that fact, but I always come back to this problem. It hurts but I cannot spend the rest of my life walking around like the walking wounded and I must obey God’s laws including continuing to respect and love my husband. *Note: my husband would never physically or mentally abuse me, he is faithful and a good provider – people think he is a great guy, he just cannot emotionally connect, provide emotional support, and he is unknowingly incredibly invalidating and he is altogether uninterested in my heart. What boundaries can I set and how do I accept this truth while maintaining my responsibilities?
You need girlfriends. Women who understand and want to share life with you. It makes it easier to be trapped in a loveless marriage.
Speaking from more experience than I would like to admit. I have learned the hard way their are those that look to take advantage of anyone who they think may be venerable. Several years before I met her I had inherited a working horse ranch, house, all the propriety and working capital. By the time the dust had settled she took everything. All I had was my truck and a few clothes. From what I was told by her friends, I was played. A few years later I had almost finished renovating a house I had bought when I met a divorced woman with three children. After the dust settled from that it was back to my truck, a few clothes and my pay cheque. This time it was her sister that told be I had been worked over. I did not deserve this. I know a lot of people and most of my friends are life long some I had gone to school with. I don’t smoke, not abusive, I drink socially.
Not going for round three. I will never let anyone take over like that again.
I better off alone.
Life is suffering. Even if you find love, real pure love ( which is rare ( or not even true my own opinion)) it will be lost. All of us need to try learn about ourselves. Life is a journey and you get what you focus on. Get knocked down, get up again. You cannot be continually happy. It’s not realistic. Yoy can’t put so much expectations on one individual. They are bound to fail. No one is perfect. With so many personality traits. Good and bad, different needs at different times bound to get hurt. You all need to realise frightening as it is we are at 20 thousand feet and free falling. Yes the view is amazing. The feelings are terrifying for most and just before you hit the ground you think s**t!! But we are in a candy store. Go wild but be decent. Don’t be a fool and let people take the one thing you have. A chance to experience life. Good and bad. Be cool. Chill out stop driving yourself mad. Focus on distracting yourself until it gets better. If it never gets better surely you’d want to say i was tougher than most because I tried and tried and tried. Feed your brain. Feed your body. Take care of you soul best you can. You have one life live it and don’t let anyone ( even if they hurt you) take that from you even yourself.
I needed to hear that. The pain is so much. I found the love of my life. Married to someone else, but had an affair with me. (I’m married to someone else too.) Both of us settled for the wrong person.
Everything went so quickly in the beginning. He wrote fallen on a leaf to tell me that he loved me while he held my hands. It was the most beautiful gesture. His eyes were filled with truth. He told me first. It was clear that I felt the same. Flowers, treats, kisses, notes, word games, and all the stimulation I ever could have wanted followed for a time. Every day we email. We see eachother a few times a week. But his ethics and cowardice wins again and again. He still tells me he loves me, but now apparently I love him too much. True. I gave him all of me in the hopes of having a forever true love feeling. Over time He pulled away. Again and again. A yo-yo dance. Pulling me furthur and furthur away from my own truth. I don’t know who to be without him. But I can’t have him.
He keeps drifting away. I stay because I see glimmers of hope that he will realize how perfect life could be if we both went off together. He wants to keep me in his life…but no sex now. 6 months of intense emotions, kissing, and passion…with no sex allowed. Cruel. He even says logically we should just keep fucking, but he feels shame for how it makes him feel. But he doesn’t concede. He uses me to feel the love we share to sustain his relationship with his wife.
He settled for her. But he’s not willing to hurt her to be with me. He’s not strong enough to deal with our large age gap.
Be careful what you wish for. I was abused by my parents until I was 23. Married a man who loves me but lectures me and treats me like a child and used to hurt me emotionally. So I went playing to just find joy, but opps, fell head over heels. Not knowing what true love feels like is way better than finding it. Once you do, nothing else matters. And when you can’t sustain it you will be even more lost.
Love your friends. Love the family you like. Love a stranger. But don’t give up everything for that darned impossible breathtaking love.
An inspiring and moving view on life.
It is very easy for many of us single good men to actually blame the kind of very horrible women that we now have everywhere today unfortunately. And now that there are so many career women these days which they’re the worst of all altogether now as well. These kind of women are so very high maintenance, independent, which they really don’t need men anyway, very selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, think they’re so very high and mighty, gold diggers, cheaters, which most of them really are today, and so very money hungry nowadays as well. And so much more can certainly be added to that list as well. So it is these type of very pathetic women to begin with why so many of us men will never ever find love at all, even when we will try since we keep meeting these type of real loser women all the time. And the women of today just want the very best of all which they will never ever settle for less, unlike the women in the old days that were never like today at all since they were the very complete opposite of today. And most women back then were Real Ladies and very old fashioned as well which made love so very easy to find back then as well.
Well first of all which the women today are nothing at all like the old days when most women back then were the very complete opposite of today, and real ladies as well which made love very very easy to find in those days just like our family members did with no trouble at all. Most women nowadays unfortunately are very severely mentally disturbed with no manners and personality at all either when it comes to many of us good single men trying to meet a good woman to settle down with, but they really don’t exist at all these days. It has now become very extremely dangerous just to start a normal conversation with a woman that many of us men would really love to meet, which now we have to be very careful of sexual harassment since most of these women are looking to hang us out to dry. Most women are just so very horrible these days to meet for so many of us men really looking for a very serious relationship now. Most women that now have their careers are the worst ones of all since a great deal of these women are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, gold diggers, cheaters, think they’re God’s gift to men, and so very very money hungry as well. And so much more can be added to that list as well. And just saying good morning or hello to a woman is very dangerous like i mentioned already, and there will be times when they will Curse at many of us men for no reason at all since i know friends that were Cursed at by these women as well. So it is very sad for the way women today are which will make love very impossible to find for so many of us men now unfortunately. Most women in the old days would have been so much easier to meet, compared to the very horrible ones today. So it is the women today that have really changed for the worst of all, especially with Feminism everywhere now adding to the problem.
My child has forsaken me. My husband is an alcoholic. I have no joy, no love. I am trapped. I am not bad, evil or unloveable. I am in endlessly pain. How does one go on?
Nay, I have nothing to offer to ease your pain, other than to say that my heart bleeds for you. My two children have their own lives; they still communicate with me, but it’s mostly at the emotional level of leaving a note saying “Back in 5 minutes”. My wife sees me as a convenience, like a washing machine or lawnmower; over the 30 years of our marriage, the times when I’ve had anything resembling compassion or affection from her can be counted on the fingers of one hand, without using the ring finger. For awhile, I suffered extreme depression; it cost me three jobs, and of course each time I got fired was the equivalent of dumping buckets of ice on an already nonexistent relationship. For a lot of years I cried myself to sleep over my isolation. Believe me, I know as well as anybody that loneliness and cancer share a common identity at the cellular level. But there is a way out, that isn’t suicide or self-harm. It’s numbness. It takes years to develop, but when it does finally grow strong enough to provide some relief, you can survive. I’m 60 now; the thought of spending the rest of my life without love used to be my greatest torment, but now it’s just another thing. I no longer dread the next 20-30 years alone; I can content myself with such trivialities as I find along the way. I am NOT looking forward to living those remaining years, but no longer do I fear them. I knew in my head, a long time ago, that I would never have love again, but it took this long for my heart to finally catch up. Trust me, anyone who says life is too short is someone who has not thought it through; they are living their life through bumper stickers. Oh yeah, life goes on, LONG after the thrill of living has gone.
This article is no comparison to the comments section. There is a pattern in these comments. And i doubt it is seen by most. Society has changed in the last 100 years & birth rates of the people who “used” to get married is over. 100 years ago over 90% of people found a partner & were married. And stayed married. Not anymore. It was way better for the men statistically back then that they would find a wife. The 80/20 rule did not exist then. (80% of women are only attracted to the top 20% of the men. The rest of the men are screwed unless wealthy.) Women & men both had to be careful who they fooled around with or no one would even consider marrying them. The new “Society” told everyone to go have fun & screw whoever you like. Settle down later. The pattern is women hook up with asses & splurt out kids then figure out what a dick the stud boy really is… then wanna find someone who ain’t a whore & expect him to raise these bastard kids. No thanks. Many men are not even considered when they are younger….. shes sowing her wild oates with the top 20% stud boys. Till he dumps her. Thats how the cookie crumbles. Most of the best guys loose & die alone.
Hello anyone reading this, I have viewed many of these comments of those talking about their lives they have feel they have withered away. But although finding love may never happen and you may be in dire situations you believe you are trapped in. you must keep going. To have a companion in life may be one of the best things but for some it’s rather difficult to achieve(poor, ugly, no skills, issues, etc etc) so you must find another way to satisfy the human need for love. And love can be defined in so many ways there rlly isn’t any one way to describe it. And this sounds very difficult to achieve but you can create your own. People come to love things like exercising, playing video games, writing, drawing, listening and making music or creating some sort of content, watching shows, helping others, serve animal shelters, etc etc etc(can look up goals/hobbies to get into). So for those who are trapped in unhealthy relationships and lonely that need some sort of escape that will allow you to get what you need to do done but look towards other things. Taking up goals(like bucket list and achievements surrounding your hobby) can allow you to focus on yourself. Now I understand these things can not always cover up the crippling loneliness BUT THERE ARE PLACES THAT CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER. To everyone in these comment sections and can afford it and have time PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP like a therapist or group counseling which I think a lot of you guys would enjoy bc you would be interacting with other people. But also websites and apps that can help those with depression or need to vent about there lives and look to improve it. Like 7cups I HIGHLY recommend. It helps to somewhat diagnose you with what could be troubling you and an online community is there to help and is free and for example those in the 50+ age groups there are even chat rooms for almost everyone. Also something I’ve noticed on here there are lot of ppl and guys who complain no one wants relationships YET THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE ON HERE WHO WANT THEM( maybe reach out to each other that could be fun) So please don’t become discourage. Love is hard and will always be that way sadly just like life. I have a 7cups account names Usefulzone1984. And if you don’t want me there a lot more other ppl to help.
I am 40. In a few months I will turn 41. I know I am still “young” for some standards, but I have never had a relationship and I have realised that I will never have one. I’ve never learned how to play the game of love and no one wanted to play with me anyway. I am a nice guy, fun to be around with, very sociable, some would say I am the “soul of the party”, and yet no one ever wanted me or felt attracted by me sexually. Anytime I had a crush on someone, all I received was rejections. Then I had plenty of meaningless sex, with people who never called me the day after. Now I realise I am getting too old for the “sex market”. In the meanwhile, I live in the margins of life itself: my friends fall in love, get married, have children, some of them cheat, some of them break up, then fall in love again, an endless cycle of passions and emotions. My life, by contrast, is empty, cold. I envy the people here saying that they have children: that’s not a life with no love! I even envy people in even wrong marriages, because at least they have something. I’ve got nothing. I never had anything. A life filled up with nothingness is not a life. I am not brave enough to commit suicide, but I am not ‘sad’, ‘desperate’, ‘disappointed’: literally, I am already dead.
I still feel I can’t forget the girl whom I was crazily in love with. She left me for someone else.. she didn’t care about my feelings or the promises that she made, but despite of hurting me so deeply, I feel I still love her very much & I won’t be able to love someone else as I did her. In the end I decided not to look for anyone.. my love is only for her, even if her love is not for me. I have full right over my love, & I can’t compress my love just because she broke my heart. My heart will always belong to her. & Thts how I found peace in me.
Hello Rav, Thank you Rav for your heartfelt comment on my blog, Love Life Learning Center. From reading your comment, I fully appreciate the depth of your love and the heartbreak you endured in your love life. It is clear from your statements that you are a person who loves deeply. I respect that very much. You are not the first and won’t be the last person I have spoken with who has decided to accept a feeling of resignation that love came only once in their life. In my experience as a psychologist, resignation usually involves the belief that it is better not to look for love again. However, I do believe that people like yourself are needed in this world. People like you who can love deeply and fully. There is so much trouble and suffering in this world at present, in my mind, it is the people who can love that are our greatest hope.
I know some people who left a state of resignation, and decided even though they might not find another like their true love, that love itself was so important that they would continue to give and receive love in any way possible during the rest of their lives. They reached the point of realization, that in addition to the true love they lost and now retain in their hearts forever, there is the love they can give and receive now and in the future. That simple act of giving love, and receiving the love that giving love will often spontaneously invite. I am glad you found peace in how you handled your heartbreak. And I hope you understand that my words in this email are just my thoughts and feelings. I offer them to you because your words moved me when I read them. Thank you, Dr. Jordan
Thanks Dr Jordan.
Love….. acceptance… friendship… ive all but given up.
As a child all i wanted was to be accepted. But i was teased and beat down by my own family. I used to watch movies where the dorky kid finds love and id dream. But thats just movies and not real. I used to think finding love would heal me. Give me a reason in life… but it just wasnt in my cards..
Sure ive dated.. had puppy love.. and married. Even have kids.. well my marriage was always a one way street. Im needy.. cuddly.. and loving. Shes a cold loveless jerk who will take me to the cleaners if we divorce. I regret even knowing her. All i wanted was love… all she wanted was kids and a maintenance guy who pays the bills
But i have kids. I love them more than anything. I wont abandon them.. but it means me being alone and sad.
Im a tall fit educated man… and i cry some nights because im so alone. Few friends.
I just gave up on my wife again. I had a talk. Tried like mad.. and was rejected as usual.
We are not alike. I hike and stay active. She eats and sits around. Nothink like working 12 hour days to come home to her napping… i just want to yell…”get up. Do something”..but anyhow..
I want to feel loved again.. but i want to be there for my kids. Divorce means instead of paying for a house and yard.. i be paying for 2 appartments. No. “Home”. And my kids will be who pays.
Life without love……. it sucks.
Thanks Jim for your heartfelt comment on my blog. I understand your conflicting feelings. You are taking care of you and want more for yourself, your marriage is not working and not responding to your efforts to change it, but leaving is complicated by your love and devotion to your kids. People like yourself whom I have treated in the past have helped me understand that these kinds of conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of being “stuck.” Any decision you make has advantages and disadvantages. The problem being a willingness to cope with the selected disadvantages. The solution is always the same: getting yourself out of the “stuck” position so that your life can start progressing again. If you know (and accept) that no matter which choice you make, it will have certain advantages and disadvantages, this acceptance makes the inevitable decision a bit easier. From what I understand about your description of your situation: 1. You can stay in it as is, and continue to try to change your wife, rekindle whatever spark existed in your relationship with her. To me she sounds “depressed,” stuck in her own way, having given up on taking care of herself. The advantage to staying in it as it is, is you don’t disrupt your kids’ lives, but you stay miserable (disadvantage); 2. You can separate from your wife, stay connected to your kids, bear the burden of whatever payment arrangement is made, but get yourself free (some people believe freedom is priceless). You’ll have to put effort into a sustained connection with the kids, but you’d be free to pursue your own freedom out from under your marriage; 3. Give your wife an ultimatum (do it or I leave) that you want to do a brief course of marital therapy to find out if there is anything salvageable in your marriage. Remember that a large percentage of people seeking marital counseling are trying to find out if they can repair their marriage AND/OR work out a civil breakup with maximum damage control. One additional point for your consideration, in my experience marital breakups involving children go well for children when the separating parent keeps a committed consistent parental relationship with them. Once they get over the initial fear of losing a parent (which is not true since you would be in their lives on a regular basis) they tend to adjust and enjoy the lack of tension in the home when two parents are at odds with each other and trying to live under one roof. Also, I have often witnessed dramatic changes (sometimes) in the “napping, not taking care of herself/himself spouse” whose spouse leaves out of frustration and the remaining spouse is left having to take care of herself/himself. Interesting how that tends to wake people up (sometimes). Good luck with your decision Jim, Dr.J.
My god Jim -our stories are so similar you’re probably a lot younger than me in my mid 50’s , but I’m living in the same empty hole you’re in.
My heart is crushed by the gravity of the loneliness. Our last child went off to college and it’s so empty here living with someone that has a cold heart. He is not bothered and has told me he would rather we live like this he in the master bedroom, and me in one of the kids old rooms, than to spend 20k for a divorce. It’s awful.
I cry a little each night wondering how I let myself continue to stay in a situation that sucks yet it’s safe. It has become a relationship of convenience. I have a safe roof over my head and I am working hard to pay off bills that once gone, I think I can give it a go alone and afford a decent place to live.
I too have worked hard to stay fit and he has not and has turned to alcohol which is scary. A tiny gesture would go far and I have tried to lead by example but he just doesn’t get it. He was taught that love is to provide for your family. He is a great provider -we both work hard. Just wish he would work as hard as I have at keeping this relationship going. It sucks to love someone but to no longer be IN LOVE with them and that is what has happened to us.
I wish there was an easy answer for us all.
I am 18. I have been lonely my whole life already and have encountered heartache frequently. Despite love (and not even romantic love just love in general) never being a part of my life in any capacity, I still like to escape with daydreams of a mutual and unshakable love, and every time I think of this I become extremely sad because I know that I’ll never let myself find love, and even if I did, I’d just go through a miserable divorce. If love ever lived, it’s dead now.
Love is dead. Long live loneliness.
Hello Savana, Sorry to read about your unhappiness. The one question I have is, why would you “never let myself find love.” The answer to the question could be the beginning of something different for you. Sometimes we don’t let ourselves have what we need, and the reasons for denying ourselves is kept hidden. I find that once this kind of thing is brought out in the open and questioned, you might find it to be a bit unfair to “not let yourself find love.” My guess is you’ve had experiences in your life that were discouraging and you never learned to make your emotional need for a love relationship a true respected priority. The good news is, whatever we learn in this life can be unlearned and something different practiced. Dr.J.
Most women back in the old days certainly made love very easy to find for the men that just happened to be born at a much better time than us single men today, that are still looking and hoping. Women were very different in those days, compared to the women today that are totally the opposite from the past. Very obvious why our family members were very lucky back then, when they met one another. Love in the old days was very real. A very big change in the women today though unfortunately, and then they wonder why so many of us men are still single today.
Hi Jason, I think you’re right, it was a different time. However, it certainly had its advantages and disadvantages. For one, women were not as “free” years ago. Freedom is an experience of life that gives people a chance to “grow” regardless of gender. The problem now for men, is their need to understand and learn how to relate to the contemporary woman. I think an advantage now is that a free and equal woman is better able to love more deeply and fully with a man who respects that freedom and equality. I think we could be headed for a time of greater intimacy between the sexes. However, we may have to go through a period where men and women learn how to update the way they relate to each other. DrJ
I have never been loved or been a priority to anyone. Not parents, spouse, kids or even friends. Ever man I’ve dated has used me my parents never had time for me. My husband married me thinking I had money. My kids cater to my ex who has never done a thing for them. I’m so depressed about this I don’t know what to do. Why am I unlovable?
Too bad that many of us men don’t have a real time machine to go back in time when love use to be very easy to find, since women were very different back then.
Very difficult for many of us single guys living without love, especially when we see how very lucky and blessed that other guys were when they met their loved ones. It is like God punished many of us men for some unknown reason, and never wanted us to find love. But then again, God was very brainless and clueless when he made a world like this to begin with. Just like the Wizzard Of Oz Movie, if i only had a brain that God never had to begin with. At least he was very smart at one time when he created women back in the old days that were very old fashioned and real ladies at that time, and that is why it was very easy finding love back then. Why did he create better women in those days compared to the real horrible ones that he created these days? This is why many of us men can’t find love today because of so many very evil women that exist now unfortunately. Many of us men will even get Cursed Out by these very mentally disturbed women for no reason at all when we will just say good morning or hello to these idiots as well. And to think that most women in the old days weren’t like this at all.
I am 19 years old. I never had any kind of romantic nor sexual relationship. There was only one girl for whom I had developed feelings, but she said no, although we remained friends, and got of course separated due to the current crisis. Many might say that this is not too late to find love, which is probably true, but I have no idea how, and this problem takes more place everyday in my mind. It is becoming corrosive and I just want it out, I just want to stop needing this kind of love. Going towards people terrifies me. What I would like to know is: how do I get this out of my head? And if there is no way to get rid of it, then what should I do?
Thank you HacheEf for you question and interest in my blog. First off, I would like to join the group of people that are telling you that “it is not too late for you to find love.” In fact, at your age, you will probably have a few experiences going forward, where you are learning about love relationships on the way to having a healthy and enduring one. Concerning your question how to find love? First I would suggest to you that you practice being a real true “friend” with girls/women. Friendship is a great way to learn how to relate to women as love partners. In many instances, friendship with a little “chemistry” can become a love relationship. When you are in love with someone, friendship is a wonderful foundation for a love relationship. Hope this helps. Hang in there and good luck. DrJ
Just look at most women these days that are very independent and just don’t want a man in their life anymore, especially if they were very abused at one time by the men that they were with at one time. But this does really hurt many of us good single men that would really know how to treat a good woman with a lot of love, respect, and be very committed to her as well. If only they would give many of us a chance.
Question for Dr Tom Jordan … Given the large number of sad unloved people in the current world, are you aware of any Reputable organisations that are striving to match or just connect like minded lonely individuals together. Unfortunately there are hundred’s of Dating websites in existence that don’t care about their subscribers but happy to fleece them of their money. There also hundred’s if not thousands of sex hookup websites that are full of ficticious profiles and once again only interested in taking their customers money. Surely there must be highly intelligent computer literate programmers out there that could band together an create an amazing website for Lonely or even just sad people to connect with one another even if it was for say 30 minutes to chat , relate and hopefully share a story, laugh or joke and hopefully uplift each participants mood or spirit. What are your thought on this suggestion or can you let any reader’s know if such websites exist, I am sure it would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Gregory, Thanks for your question and interest in my website. You might find what your looking for through Meetup.com.
It is a website I believe is available in different places that helps people get together for the purpose of sharing “interests.” Interests being pretty broadly defined. Last time I checked people on Meetup.com have organized a number of support groups and other friend based groups that get people together. heck that out. Good luck. DrJ
Love is a balm for the human condition. Life is precarious, today. The western socioeconomic system is failing and the consequences for ordinary people are often quite dire, Love, like a drug, appears to offer pleasure, distraction, relief, help, hope, happiness and escape. Love is beautiful thing but there is no escaping the shadows of the human condition. My wife, the love of my life for the past forty years, has been gradually slipping away for the past five years or so due to a degenerative neurological disease. She has changed. She does not remember my name. I am her caregiver, a role for which I’m well suited given my knowledge, but ill suited, given my temperament. I saw the signs of her illness while our lives were still rich and full. I diagnosed her when her doctors were laughing off her questions about her signs and symptoms. I stayed to take of her because I love her and because society offers no humane alternative. I do not love what she has become but I will care for her anyway in order to honor the memory of what we had and the promises I made to her. The cost is high. My life feels like a nightmare without end. I’m coping but it is very, very difficult. At the inception of all of this, I passed a beautiful young woman on the street one evening and, quite improbably, found myself looking deeply into her incredibly enchanting eyes. In all my long life, I’ve never experienced anything like that. That moment remains with me, still, over three years later. Serenity, to mingle with the spirit of such a creature for even a few seconds was truly magical. As she passed, she said hello. I simply kept walking because I had a previous commitment and because she was young and I am not. Love is, indeed, a very special feeling. Always remember, though, love flows through you.. You can give it but you cannot hold onto it.
for men, most of fimding love comes down to height & face. it is virtually impossible for a short, average looking man to compete with the tall, good looking men who all women are searching for. life is extremely lonely & depressing for those of us who are genetically inferior and we are forced to miss out on most of what makes life worth living. sadly, some of us are not good enough to experience the affection & romantic connections we crave so are destined to be single, alone & unwanted.
Everybody needs love at one time or another, and it is human nature. The real problem is that the women today are very completely different from the old days unfortunately, making love very impossible to find for so many of us single men now. Women back in the old days had very good manners, which most of them really did at that time. And they had a great personality as well making love very easy to find, the way that our family members did. Today it is very difficult for many of us single men just to say good morning or hello to a woman that we think would be very nice to meet for us, and there will be times when these women will even Curse at us for no reason at all. Just so many very horrible women out there nowadays unfortunately, since these women are very complete psycho’s these days more than ever before. Too bad that many of us men weren’t born in the old days which we definitely would had found love with no problem at all either, instead of still being single and alone today which many of us Aren’t single by choice to begin with. With Feminism that is everywhere now, it really has destroyed many of us men from finding love today unfortunately.
Thanks to everyone posting their stories.It is amazing how reading about others tends to lighten the burden.
I won’t deny that I am in as deep as a lot of you.I also have to remind myself that a lot of it is in my head.
To me the scariest part of not giving up to find someone is trying to keep my distance from that
hideous condition called misogyny. I really don’t have the courage it would take to kill myself.My consideration of
the feelings of my siblings also would never allow to even think about it anymore.
I am 62,never married, no kids.Never married is like having the plague.Being an honest guy
it is the number one reason that impedes me from moving forward not
to mention what is widely assumed about men who would need more than 50 candles for
a birthday cake. I am trying though! I would like to wish everyone the best and hope someday
we could all get together and meet at a place to eat and all get a table for one!Thx.
I’m not sure if i deserve to complain since i’m still young. I’m going to be 33years old in a few weeks. I ‘m so lonely and I’m trying not to show it or let it weigh me down but it quite difficult to feel okay when you are actually not feeling okay. my mother makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve never been married. All the men I’ve loved never loved me back and I’m beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me. I keep wondering if I’m not good enough to be loved back. There are times i look back and wonder where and what i have done wrong to feel this lonely. I really want to love and be loved in return, get married and have lots of kids………. are they so hard to achieve?! But at the end i’m always positive i’m going to move pass this phrase very soon.
Hi Tosin, Thanks for visiting and commenting on my site. What you want for yourself is great and I believe you will achieve it. Sometimes we have to do a few things first that make corrections in our love lives. For example, if someone is “making you feel bad about yourself,” that has to stop because it is the kind of feeling that can complicate our love lives. For example, when a person feels bad about herself she can attract people who don’t love her. It kind of goes with feeling bad about yourself, if you know what I mean. Setting a “limit” on people who mistreat us in any way including emotionally, helps build our self-esteem and automatically improves our love lives. My prediction is that once to stop feeling bad about yourself, realize you are a person and deserve respect, you’ll only let people who can love you into your love life. Hope this was helpful. Be well and good luck. Dr. Jordan
Thank you for the post. I do agree that living without love can be painful for people if they let it be. In my instance it does not bother me, it is irrelevant. I am complete and good enough on my own I do not need to seek co dependency and validation from any other. That is an old societal belief system that I do not agree with.
I have recently split from the only person I have ever loved in my life romantically. I do not have any family or friends and live a life of solitude, except for my work where I am in a management position and devoted to helping others (though due to my upbringing I don’t really know how to do anything else)
I feel so ashamed saying this as I’m 35 but if i had a choice in life I would choose to end it. I’ve had a taste of what life has to offer and it’s not for me. I would never consider ending my own life but are there any coping mechanisms you would recommend to support someone who feels destined to live a life of solitude?
Sorry to hear of your breakup. It is painful to end a valued love relationship. I sense you are dealing with feelings of loss and have thoughts of giving up. I strongly recommend that you find a therapist or counselor for support and guidance through this difficult time. Given your age, I am hopeful that once your grieving has settled, you will be able to learn from this relationship and make the next relationship more successful and longer lasting. It is time to take care of yourself. Don’t delay. Dr. Jordan
Same here…. 😌
In this life, when you have no loved ones and no friends what is to anchor you to the world?
If you never had a love relationship and only acquaintances, isn’t that life’s way of saying you’re broken on a fundamental level that others can’t name but intrinsically understand and know. That’s why they walk past you as if you don’t exist. Just a thought about what it is to be utterly alone in a sea of humanity.
Thank you Sara for your heartfelt comment. The good news is that however lonely and disappointed we are, it is still possible to work on our love lives. I hope you find something in this website that help you begin doing that. Dr.Jordan
I have suffered disappointment after disappointment by people i loved and trusted. I love children and since my love life never worked (tried twice), i chose to just have my kids. They give me a purpose for living, make me smile and make my days bright. I know they will grow up and leave one day but who knows? May be by then, i will already be six feet under!
Maybe it’s time to work on your love life. That means understand why disappointments are repeating in your love life. Once conscious of these unhealthy patterns that can control our love lives you can do something about it. If you don’t know what is happening you won’t be able to change anything. Dr.J.
Thank you. The simple reality for me and others is that, despite our best efforts, some beings are just unlovable and are destined to never experience love. I am very lucky and have so much to be greatful for but being loved is something unobtainable. It’s made worse by the constant promise in most media that this is not the case which doesn’t help the painful reality we have to endure and more support for an unlovable being like me would be welcome instead of only being offerd something that does not match our reality. I just want help in coping with being unlovable not given a bull***t tail about how that’s not true. Thank you for listening.
Thank you Lee for your comment. I can understand your sentiment and I had something similar in mind when I wrote the post: Living Without Love in Your Life. Acknowledging there are many individuals living single lives and thriving is an important understanding to have. You don’t have to be in love or in a couple to lead a meaningful and productive life. I have worked with many single adults I was privileged to know. However, I will say that the choice to work on one’s love life from a psychological perspective is also a consideration and the reason I created this website. On many occasions, the belief, feeling, and experience of “unlovability” is something that can be understood psychologically as per the unique experiences of a particular human being. Sometimes the beliefs and experiences that sustain such a feeling can be traced to earlier experiences that resulted in the adult unlovability. But of course, this type of personal analysis does not guarantee change but there is always a good possibility that change will occur once consciousness and understanding take place. Thanks again for your comment. Dr. Jordan