Sex With Your Boss

You could get yourself into a ‘tangled mess’ if you have sex with your boss. Why? There are a few very good reasons to try to avoid this in any way possible.

First and foremost, there’s the imbalance of power between you and your boss. He or she is your boss. What that means is, he or she has something to say about your employment. Basically, he or she has some power over you.

Most people these days value their employment. Nobody wants to lose his or her job because of the complicated feelings that emerge after having an affair with an employer.

Remember, when it’s all said and done, you are still the employee and he or she is still the employer. This is not to say it is never possible for two people in the ‘roles’ of employer and employee to get past these barriers to love. Although my experience tells me this positive outcome is less common than hoped for.

If the affair ended with some kind of bad feeling or unmet desire turned to frustration on either one of your parts, it will be that much harder to go back to just being an employee. The point is, you as the employee are the vulnerable one in this situation.

Except of course if we include the possibility that you could ‘report’ your boss for inappropriate sexual conduct at the workplace. This kind of outcome if it is a potential reality would scare the hell out of any boss.

Problem is, you might end up being the victim of whatever fallout that fear creates. If after the affair, your boss is worried about getting into trouble, you could end up losing your job. Sexual harassment at the workplace is a serious matter these days and could turn your relationship with your boss, now ex-lover, into an intolerable experience at the workplace where one of you has to leave and it probably won’t be him or her.

Let’s analyze this problem from the temporal standpoint of before, during, and after the affair. Before the affair, chances are your boss will probably be sending you hints of interest if not pursuing you outright.

Even though it is immensely difficult to deter an inappropriately amorous boss, this is the easiest time to do it. Your boss’s need for you as a skilled employee still rivals whatever fantasy relationship he or she is contemplating.

If the attraction is strong, your boss’s judgment could deteriorate pretty quickly. If you keep your cool and stay conscious for any reactions on your part that invite unwanted affectations, you have a shot at discouraging your bosses advances.

Of course, you could be punished for your lack of compliance. If that’s the extent of it, and you’re still interested in the job, you could ride it out hoping that the passage of time and performance will move things back to normal and in your favor.

It’s pretty likely that other employees will notice your boss’s interest in you. Let’s face it, this will be hard to hide. This ‘extra’ interest itself has the power to negatively affect those work peers who are also fishing for his or her approval and love.

While the affair is taking place, a competitive jealousy will probably be corroding your work relationships with work peers. They are probably resenting the special attention and treatment you are visibly getting.

For those of you interested in the illusion of real pleasure and power, this would be the best time of the whole experience. Most bosses who are sexually infatuated with their new sexual partner at the workplace will be interested in acting out some kind of personal theatre with him or her.

You’ll feel special for a time. However, the affair could be over after one sexual experience together or turn into a triangular relationship with his or her spouse or lover as the third person in the triangle.

Consider this, for the brief or prolonged time that you are on top and commanding your boss’s desire, you’ll feel powerful and in control. Sorry to say it is only an illusion and expensive one at that. Your isolation at the workplace will become particularly painful after the affair is over. That of course would be added to the disappointment you’ll feel when your boss moves away from you for for seemingly unexplained reasons.

At this point, you get a chance to decide how much drama you have a stomach for. You could demand explanations and conversations about what happened. You could even try to hang onto the affair after it’s pretty clear that he or she has already loss interest and moved on. Your main preoccupation at this point should be on damage control and simply surviving what transpired between the two of you.

Plainly stated, your job security will depend upon how much your boss can accept what happened in a mature and confidential manner. True, everyone else within earshot and visibility will know that it occurred.

If you can live with that, trying to get back to work without being an employment threat to your boss is really the only good move you have. Of course, if you feel humiliated and victimized by the whole thing, you’ll learn from your mistake and move on.

To summarize, if your boss’s actions after the affair is over are motivated by a view of you as a curious challenge that was taken and conquered, his or her big ego might be big enough to keep you around the workplace as a trophy.

If his or her actions are motivated by a fear of losing his or her job, you’re in trouble. If you’re considered a threat to your boss’s employment security, chances are you’re not long for the job.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan














Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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  1. Susan on June 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Hello, just wanted to say, I loved this post. It was funny.
    Keep on posting! – Susanna Schuster

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