My Lover Is Rough in Bed

If your husband or lover is rough in bed, the first question you have to ask yourself is, do you like it? I’m not going to assume that your curiosity about this post title means you don’t. If you say you do then you have to admit to yourself that you’ve helped set up your love-life the way you want it to be.

If you’re reading this because you don’t like rough treatment while having sex, read on. Next question, does your husband or lover ‘know’ that you don’t like it? By ‘know’ I mean directly know? Like you’ve told him once or twice or repeatedly to be more gentle. If the answer is no, then you have some risk-taking to do.

Communicating your needs in your love relationship is absolutely necessary if you’re planning to have a healthy love-life. Otherwise people take advantage, there’s nothing there to stop them. When you allow yourself to speak up for yourself, you are letting your partner in love know who you are and what you are experiencing.

This always makes a love relationship better. Even when it creates friction in the short-term. At least you’ll know whether or not he really loves you. When you really love someone you listen when he or she is telling you they are hurting or scared.

If the answer to the question, does he know that you don’t like the roughness is yes, you have a few things to consider. First up, you may have married a man who likes to be or needs to be rough with his woman. Why? Somewhere along the line he got the message (learning) either that women like this sort of thing and/or a ‘real’ man is supposed to be rough on his woman. If he was taught (directly or deduced it through observing others) that a woman needs to be aggressively treated, he will try to confirm this to himself by rationalizing that he is giving you exactly what you need (whether you realize it or not).

This kind of ‘learning’ is difficult but not impossible to change. It all depends upon how much he ‘loves’ you. You see, love is the ‘solvent’ for what we believe. For example, if he understands that not changing how he treats you in bed may result in losing you (dissolving his love-life), he’ll go into a ‘conflict’ for a good cause.

What I mean is, he’ll be conflicted between wanting to stay the same (rough in bed) and trying something new (gentleness in bed). The degree to which you are wiling to complain is key. This is no time to be a wallflower. He needs to know you want the physical expression of love to get more and more personal and loving.

Now the other part of this is, his ‘ego.’ What this simply means is, a man’s beliefs about himself are important to his self-esteem. If he believes that a ‘real’ man is supposed to be rough on his lover, he’s got his ego tied up in this way of treating a woman.

My old shrink used to say that women ‘socialize’ men in a marriage or committed love relationship in this culture. For a man to last in a long-term love relationship he has to learn how to talk (at least a little bit) about his feelings, know when to tolerate vulnerability, apologize when necessary, and practice the fine art of being a ‘lover.’

A lover  is someone who practices giving and receiving love in a love relationship. Everybody has something to learn about love in course of his or her lifetime. ‘Real’ masculinity is strength combined with the ability to love and receive love.

Knowing when to be strong and when to be soft. When a man can experience the different states of mind involved he has grown and is growing in his love-life. Some rough men find out by surprise that only love brings sex to the greatest level of enjoyment possible.

Comments. Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan






Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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