I Hate My Father’s Girlfriend
Your parents are divorced. Your father met someone new and now he has a girlfriend. Maybe she’s younger than him, maybe she’s not. The trouble is, you don’t like her.
Maybe you didn’t like her from the moment you met her, maybe it took a little while before you were turned off. The point is, you and she don’t get along.
Maybe you don’t like the idea that the ‘old man’ has got a girlfriend, period. After the divorce he was supposed to set up a separate home and live there alone, at least that is how you envisioned it would go. A girlfriend did not figure into your post-divorce plan for your family.
You’re probably still trying to get over the feelings you have about their divorce. You might even feel a little protective of your mother. If she’s alone and not dating or living with anyone, your unhappiness about your father’s new love-life will chances are be even worse.
It’s easy to feel like you’re about to lose even more when your separated or divorced parents start dating other people. Most adult children of divorce secretly hope their separated parents will be living apart only as long as it takes them to realize they should be living back together again as a family. This fantasy obviously applies only to those couples whose ‘toxicity’ levels were within manageable limits when they were together.
The fact is, they will probably never get back together. The fact is, they are probably trying to go on with their love-lives or at least they should. Getting along with your father’s girlfriend is something you do for him, and not really for yourself. It’s like a one way gift of love. Whether you like her or not is immaterial. The point is, he does, and that’s all that matters.
Of course, I’m not talking about situations where you see or hear about some form of abuse taking place. Like she’s emotionally abusive, or squandering his money while he stands by mesmerized. If that’s the case you have to do what’s right and interfere.
Of course, it won’t be pretty. Your father will probably accuse you of carrying out your mother’s secret directives to mess up his new love-life out of some deranged jealousy. Regardless, you love him and shouldn’t just standby and watch him get fleeced.
If you’re lucky, in time you’ll find something in your father’s girlfriend that is likable. This would allow you to have your own separate relationship with her. Of course the situation becomes even more important if your father truly loves her and plans to marry her.
Look at it this way, your father’s new love interest could be exactly what he and your mother need to jump start their separate love-lives. It’s very common for one divorced spouse to lag behind while the other goes on with his or her life. You don’t want that for your mother, right?
Once you’ve finally accepted the fact that their marriage is gone, you’ll realize that moving on with their love-lives is healthier. I know you want them to be healthy. Even if your father has chosen the wrong person to be his girlfriend (according to your estimation), he’s trying.
For that you have to give him credit. Of course, if the original reason they (your parents) broke up is because of his cheating on your mother, this whole thing will be considerably more difficult for you.
Every time you look at your father’s new lover, you’ll feel your mother’s pain as well as your own. The pain of losing your intact family. If his current lover is the woman who he had the affair with, there’s not much else to say. The chances of improving how you feel about her is slim at best. I don’t blame you for being upset.
If his current lover is someone else, you could give her chance. Remind yourself you shouldn’t be in the ‘middle,’ entangled in the emotions going on between your divorced parents, and your father has the right to go on with his love-life.
Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan