What She Wants You To Know About Sex


For some men, figuring out the female orgasm can feel like an anthropological expedition to a remote culture you know nothing about and you’re not prepared for. The first and most important step, of course, is for a man to acknowledge that a woman’s orgasm exists and operates in a manner different from his own.

Like our anthropologist, once the culture’s existence is substantiated, understanding its ways and means takes a dedicated study. To be awarded the title, ‘lover’ requires some dedication to understanding the female orgasm.

Apart from book learning, which in and of itself is not bad just not enough, making personal observations and listening to a loved one’s personal experience the most useful source of information when it comes to learning about a lover’s orgasm. Let’s face it, showing interest in understanding and improving another person’s orgasm is in itself an act of love.

Now for men who have the bad habit of thinking only about their own orgasm whenever they have sex, it’s time to consider a ‘sexual democracy.’ What this essentially means in no frills lingo is, making sure whenever you have sex that everybody gets off. None of this me, me, me, and forget about you stuff.

To claim the title of ‘lover’ you have to outgrow, what I like to call, ‘masturbatory sexuality’ when you have a committed sex partner. You basically want to go from a ‘me-some’ (self-oriented lovemaking) to a ‘two-some’ (interpersonal lovemaking) in your sex life. This simply means, what your lover experiences is as important as what you experience during sex.

You could be creative, going in whatever order matches your mood: me-you, you-me, us all the way, me-you-me-you-us, etc. The fact of your egalitarian love-making will communicate quickly to your lover your intention to be intimate. The degree of intimacy in sex is a measure of the pleasure involved. More intimacy, more pleasure, it’s just the way we’re built.

Another important skill in the study of female pleasure exists in your ability to take your time. Many woman experience their sexual pleasure at a slower pace than a man. They often prefer to savor it. Being able to operate at various speeds is definitely an asset. If you’re too fast all the time, there’s no time to devout to the very precious and useful ‘warm up.’

Sweeping a lover off her feet means you can take the time needed to get to know your particular lover’s sexual pleasure. A general, one size fits all approach, is just not going to cut it. Most people who like ‘running’ through the sex act are avoiding the feelings and risks that come with slowing down. Take a deep breath and try to be there.

Another anthropological discovery is, for a woman, sex usually doesn’t end when it’s over. You both had your orgasms in whatever combination suits you. Nothing more to do, right? Wrong. If a relationship is on her mind (and your’s), sex took place not only for the pleasure but for the intimacy that is possible during and after the physical act.

Working on the opportunity for an emotional closeness that sex provided naturally deepens the sexual pleasure that is possible now and later on. Understanding this principle is essential for the ‘lover man’ who knows how to bring his woman to greater and greater sexual satisfaction over time.

Two more observations to mention. One is about the word ‘gentleman.’ Even Popeye knew when and how to relax the love of his life. When your lover witnesses your gentleness, she is reassured once again that you’re a man with the capacity to move along the emotional continuum. Flexibility is important here.

Tough is easy. Most men get a fair amount of practice with toughness. The point is, a man gets a lot more response from a woman being able to be what the situation calls for. In a meaningful sexual experience with someone you love, gentle sensitivity has its place and communicates a lot that encourages safety and letting-go.

A lot of women over the years have complained to me that their men can’t talk to them about sex. I’m not talking about a general conversation about sex or even a discussion of its technical features. I’m talking about a dialogue about personal sexual needs with a lover who participates to learn something about you and vice versa.

I’m also talking about a conversation that gets past all the shame, embarrassment, shyness, guilt, and just plain old anxiety people can feel when they’re talking about their personal sexual needs with a sex partner they love. Feeling valued, understood, and most of all taken seriously, goes a long way toward turning her on and keeping her on.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan


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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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