Lover Moved In & Won’t Move Out

This is what I like to call a ‘love-life home invasion.’ Your boyfriend or girlfriend moved in. Now you want him or her to move out, but he or she refuses to leave. The most common way this kind of thing happens in your love-life is, you ‘jump the gun’ and let your lover move into your apartment or house before you really know enough about him or her.

Maybe you allow it because you were lonely or taken in by the excitement of having a new lover in your life. Whatever the reason, after living with you a while your lover changes in ways you didn’t expect or want.

The bottom-line is, you are faced with a potentially abusive situation where your lover now turned hostile does not want to leave. The potential abuse in your relationship could be financial, emotional, or physical or all three or any combination. Question is, what do you do in a situation like this?

Chances are your love for this person is irreparably damaged either because you have fallen out of love for this individual, or you realize that the ‘move-in’ was premature, and he or she will not respect you enough to return your living space back to you exclusively.

Now instead of love and excitement you are probably feeling some combination of anxiety, frustration, anger, and fear. Fear is the one that could give you the biggest problem simply because it can be paralyzing. Your response to your lover’s refusal will probably fall along a continuum, growing in severity if his or her refusal remains intact.

Some invading lovers see the light before long when the situation turns totally negative. When you stop sleeping in the same bed, and the communication becomes predominantly negative and defensive. He or she moves out, sometimes without notice, just because he or she has enough self-pride to consider the fact that they don’t have to grovel for love in this way.

Predictably the final moments are pretty hostile and hopefully safe. Some love relationships are destined to end this way and this one will feel like a relief, probably to both parties, shortly after the end arrives. Unfortunately, some love-life home invaders bring it to the next level. These are people who are essentially hostile dependent and have emotional reasons to keep hanging on for dear love regardless of how negative it gets.

You’ll know you are in a relationship with one of this individuals if your lover decides to sleep on the couch (or anywhere else in your home) and turn another part of your personal space into his or her ‘room.’ The degree of powerlessness you’ll feel will be considerably more pronounced.

If you’re in such a situation, involving the police will become a reality. Involving other family members may also be useful. For some invading lovers the police is the last straw. In many cases the involvement of the police will put an end to this situation especially if visible signs of abuse are involved.

Thinking through your responses and setting firm limits are an indication of your ability to get out from under a feeling of ‘powerlessness.’ In my experience, powerlessness is the illusion that supports the abuse and threats in these kinds of situations. Unfortunately, there are a few invading lovers that don’t respond to any of the actions suggested so far.

Not even the police scare them off and they will resort to stalking, and phone harassment, and other forms of hanging on, once they are out of your home. Of course if you can prove that he or she has broken the law, your lover will be arrested, and some time away from him or her will come to you in this form. The point here to understand is, you have been in a relationship with a very disturbed person. Besides figuring out how that happened, you should stay focused on personal safety.

Whether or not to stay in your home will be a decision you’ll be faced with. Moving in with a family member temporarily or until you have a chance to move away will become a real option. If the alternative is to look over you shoulder every time you go out while getting those weird phone calls at 2 o’clock in the morning, moving out of your living space will at least give you some peace of mind.

I have worked with people who unfortunately had to leave their homes to their invading lovers. Abandon the home in the middle of the night, stop paying the bills, and under maximum secrecy move into a family member’s home or friend’s home when the invading lover is not around. To be healthy you have to realize that  personal freedom is priceless and should never be forfeited.

Furniture can always be replaced. If you are in real and seemingly permanent danger, starting a new life somewhere else will be a regrettable but lifesaving possibility. What you’ll end up taking from this situation is a lesson about love and picking lovers. That should change your life going forward.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan











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Dr. Jordan

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, certified interpersonal psychoanalyst, author, professor, and love life researcher.

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