Psychological Love Life Defenses: 6. Misrepresentation

This is the last post in the series of posts analyzing common love life defenses that interfere with and complicate a peson’s ability to give and receive love. In this post we will talk about misrepresentation, defined as the act of misrepresenting oneself in a love life situation in order to manipulate its outcome.  A common scenerio for this kind of defensive activity is misrepresenting oneself in a dating situation in order to ensure the interest of the person you are dating. The misrepresenting person is trying to manipulate the perception of the potential partner on a date. If the perception of the desired person is successfully manipulated, the chances of a love relationship evolving improves.

First and foremost, misrepresentation is a form of lying. The assumption here is that it is conscious and deliberate. It could be an habitual way of relating for a particular individual. Another assumption is that it is probably a consequence of an unconscious experience of rejection. Think about it this way, if you have been rejected earlier in life, there is a strong possibility you have learned to expect that your “real self” will not be acceptable to others. Misrepresentation becomes a defensive means of coping with such a negative expectation. It’s like choosing to manually control a situation, in this instance a dating situation, where a desired person is about to make a judgement concerning your acceptability. If you don’t have much faith in a positive outcome, chances are you’ll either avoid it altogether or try to rig the outcome in some way. Think of misrepresentation in a dating situation as an effort to rig the outcome.

Apart from the implicit lie, the other big problem with misrepresentation is the reversion. The misrepresenting person will inevitably revert back to their true self once the task of being accepted is accomplished. As the victim of this form of emotional abuse, you are usually not aware that you are being sold a false bill of goods. What is being presented to you is what you are looking for, not what you have in front of you. Kinda of like fake bait, for those of you who know the art and science of fishing. You are trying to trick a fish to bite something that looks and feels like the real thing, but it’s not. Sooner or later, the reversion takes place, usually after a sought after outcome has been achieved. In this scenerio, once a love relationship has been formed, or a marriage has taken place, or some other desired outcome has occurred. Unfortunately, it is much harder to get away at this later point, when a relationship has already been formed, and you realize this is not what you bargained for.

Let’s consider how the victim of this kind of psychological abuse might detect its existence before an emotional or physical  commitment is formed. The detection is always in the details. Remember the old adage, if its too good to be true it probably isn’t. Intimate social presentations that are “managed” will probably be devoid of anything negative. A perfect presentation that reveals no faults, weaknesses, areas of growth, past personal problems, ambivalences, etc. Remember, when people are relaxed and open, they are real and you get a glimpse of the real person. Real people have quirks, they are human, they are open about themselves and that is something most of us are able to intuit. Being real is often endearing. So trust your gut feeling.

Inconsistency is another big red flag. Because a misrepresenting person is trying to manage two selves at the same time, inconsistency is common and not always consciously seen or felt by the misrepresenting person. Related to this, is a sloppy life  story. Details of which are hard to keep straight and questions are inevitably raised in the minds of potential victims who are listening to the story. Then there is always the feedback fron outside sources. People who know the misrepresenting person and deliver cautions, or caring friends who pick something up before you would.  Lastly, broken promises are a common sign of misrepresentation, because false promises are being made from a false presentation that is not a real reflection of the individual who is misrepresenting themselves.

The point in all of this detection effort is to find out as soon as possible that you are being subjected to misrepresentation.  The person misrepresenting him or herself to you is not capable of having a healthy love relationship at this time. Leave, and don’t look back.

Comments welcome…

Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychological disability consultant, speaker, and author of the award-winning book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Presentations and telehealth Love Life Consultations available upon request. Contact: 212-875-0154 or drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com for inquiries. Visit my speaker page at lovelifelearningcenter.com/speaker