Porn and Emotional Intimacy in Men’s Love Lives
Pornography is a common form of physical sexual release in our digital age. The internet has made it so. As a consequence, a person in need of sexual release can get easily addicted to pornography by masturbating in response to sexual images. Which by the way are presently being created by AI in such a way as to intensify the attraction by diminishing the “human” qualities that would diminish attraction. Images so perfected that the sexual attraction is accentuated to a degree that is unnatural. Perhaps, the best way to think of this is “synthetic” sexual images that manipulate the human sexual response in a way that is not naturally present in our bodies.
The intensity of porn’s impact both physically and emotionally can be understood as an addiction to orgasm, the built-in intensely pleasurable human sexual response. Instead of having to wait for an external stimulus, so to speak, a person using porn can manipulate his own sexual response quickly and efficiently. The ways in which this can become an addiction are obvious. Think of the way in which a drug becomes addictive by comparison. A drug produces an experience of pleasure for the drug user that has temporary physical and emotional “benefits.” Body and mind are then drawn into a pattern of usage that results in the desire/need for the experience to replicate. The result is addiction. Same for pornography. Manipulating orgasm is like using a drug to create a pleasure that is then utilized to promote illusive well being or the reduction of pain or tension, repeatedly, despite rising emotional or physical tolerance.
The problem for men in particular is the absence of emotional intimacy in a sexually active contact with another person. Sex for sexual release is simply masturbation in an interpersonal context. Using another person to stimulate oneself for the purpose of unrelated sexual release. No emotional intimacy or relationship required. The purpose is sexual release not relationship. In the digital age, the problem of finding a willing participant has been simplified by the availability of pornography. The interpersonal requirement is no longer necessary, moving addicted persons even farther away from the corrective journey back to combined sexual and emotional intimacy with another.
As an interpersonal psychoanalyst, my clinical work with men over the years often involved the development of a man’s ability to be emotionally intimate. When it involves a sexual relationship it often takes place in a marriage and is often a task that begins in middle-age. Young men are too often “trained” to seek sexual release without the so-called “complications” of emotional intimacy. The availability of digital pornography makes this training that much more effective. What results is a man with an overdeveloped sexual response and an underdeveloped ability to be emotionally intimate in an interpersonal relationship. The psychotherapy required focuses on developing a capacity to emotionally interact with another human being non-sexually in a sexual relationship. Contraction? No. For example, to create an ability to resolve interpersonal conflict in a love relationship in a non-sexual emotionally intimate manner. Solving problems in a relationship non-sexually through the communication of feelings, emotional dialogue, compromise, and agreement.
My love life research and treatment of this problem over the years has helped me define emotional intimacy by the experiences that can create it. So far my list includes: commitment, respect, freedom, independence, honesty, equality, consideration, permission, trust, devotion, acceptance, and sharing. The capacity for emotional intimacy can be developed in a psychotherapeutic relationship that is sensitive to these experiences and able to use the interactions with the psychotherapist to develop and correct the absence of emotional intimacy wherever it shows up, with the psychotherapist and/or with people in the patient’s life. This development over time has obvious benefits in helping men develop the emotional capacity to be better fathers and better husbands. Two roles men may find themselves in over the lifespan that benefit from a more developed ability to be emotionally intimate with another human being.
In short, in my opinion, the “cure” for the sexual maladjustment promoted by pornographic addiction is to understand and promote the importance of emotional intimacy and its development in men’s lives.
Comments welcome…
Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychological disability consultant, speaker, and author of the award-winning book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Presentations and telehealth Love Life Consultations available upon request. Contact: 212-875-0154 or drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com for inquiries. Visit my speaker page at lovelifelearningcenter.com/speaker
