Psychological Love Life Defenses: 3. Habitual Conflict
Some psychological love life defenses are used to make a love relationship “tolerable.” This is the case with what I am calling habitual conflict. The usual unconscious motivation is to be able to be in a love relationship protected from hurt. As in all the psychological defenses I am describing in this series of posts, past unresolved love life hurt and current efforts to avoid the anticipated repetition of it, are our primary considerations. Habitual conflict involves the generation of ongoing conflict, while in a love relationship, not for the purpose of trying to reach some compromise or solution, but as an undisclosed effort to tolerate the emotional dangers of vulnerability in a love relationship.
For some individuals, it is easier to be angry than vulnerable to the possibility of risking renewed hurt in a relationship. In habitual conflict, the reasons for the conflict are far less important than the imagined protective purpose. If I am habitually angry at the person I love who can hurt me because I love them, I will then be able to be in the relationship protected. Of course, what gets overlooked is the price of habitually using such a psychological defense to manage the emotional risks of being in love. Simply put, habitual conflict will predictably interfere with the ability to give and receive love in a love relationship.
Anger as an excellent defensive emotion is intuitively understandable. Beyond pushing people away, anger insulates the angry person from hurt. The heart is closed and encased in a defensive shell. The angry love partner is usually on the “offense” and little or nothing gets in from the other person in the relationship. No relationship problems are resolvable in this state of mind and the love relationship stays mired in conflict indefinitely.
It is common for habitual conflict to have been learned during the course of early childhood and adolescence. Love relationships in a family of origin are the primary sources of emotional instruction for children. The unconscious learning involved in being in family relationships or simply observing them is extraordinary and quite enduring. Our psychological tendency to replicate unhealthy relationship experience is quite pervasive. In many cases, if you’ve witnessed the conflicted love relationship of others growing up, or you were in such a relationship with another family member, this experience becomes an unconscious template for adulthood love relationships.
Helping someone emotionally schooled in the unconscious use of conflict to tolerate a love relationship is never an easy task. First and foremost, is the need to strengthen tolerance for the feelings (hurt) that emerge when defensive conflict is no longer practiced. Beyond that, if you as a practicing conflict generator in love are lucky enough to fall in love with someone who is unwilling to tolerate perpetual conflict in a relationship, the possibility of change improves. Now you are faced with the risk of trying healthier ways to relate in love.
As a clinical psychologist, witnessing a patient give up the tendency, however temporarily at first, to avoid risking emotional vulnerability is quite moving to say the least. For some, the motivation to retain a love relationship can in many instances motive a patient to practice limiting and eventually relinquishing defensive anger for the healthier communication of feelings and compromise.
Comments welcome…
Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychological disability consultant, speaker, and author of the award-winning book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Presentations and telehealth Love Life Consultations available upon request. Contact: 212-875-0154 or drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com for inquiries. Visit my speaker page at lovelifelearningcenter.com/speaker
