Psychological Love Life Defenses: 1. Denying You Have a Love Life Problem

Ever since I began studying the unhealthy love life from an interpersonal psychoanalytic perspective, I’ve noticed quite a few people cope with and/or prevent the hurt that often accompanies a love life with an array of psychological defenses. Problem here is that these defenses interfere with the ability to give and receive love. They harden the mind against re-experiencing the hurt involved in love life disappointments, that would allow healthy grieving and healing, the ability to learn from the experience, and a better love life going forward. Instead, a lot of people get stuck being defensive, remaining in a protected mental state that results in repeating love life disappointment with no real improvements in their adult love lives.

So I figured, it’s time to discuss these defensive barriers to working on one’s love life. First let’s lay some groundwork. Keep in mind that our major focus is on the Psychological Love Life. That’s the love life in your MIND. The beliefs, behavior, and feelings you were, get ready for this, unconsciously taught to have about love relationships. Furthermore, your love life, is here defined as the compliation of the experiences you’ve had with the emotion of love starting from the beginning of your life. That’s right, the beginning of your life. Our love lives start from the moment we are born (probably even before that). The unconscious learning I’m talking about starts from there and progresses throughout your life. The good news is, what is learned can be unlearned, and something better, in this case healthier, learned.

OK, so if you were lucky enough to be born into a familty of (relatively) mentally healthy people, most of your unconscious learning about love relationships would probably be healthy. Even if the learning stays unconscious, who cares, chances are what you’ve learned will repeat and replicate those healthy relationshgip experiences in your adult love life. No problem. If what you’ve learned about love relationships was unhealthy, there will be problems, especially if the learning remains unconscious.

So here is where the psychological defensiveness comes in. Let’s say your earlier relationship experiences, observed or directly experienced,  were largely unhealthy, you’ll have a tendency to repicate those unhealthy experiences, unconsciously, in your adult love life. The consequence will be love life disappointments and hurt. Remember, love life defenses exist because of unresolved (unhealed) emotional hurt. There are a few common ways in which people who have unresolved love life hurt cope with that reality. Yes, you guessed it, by learned or self-created psychological defenses.

This post will be the first in a series of posts I will write focusing on one love life defense at a time. Today’s love life defense is….denial and the tendency to blame someone or something else that comes with it. This particular love life defense is quite common and the accompanying blame can take a myriad of forms. “Sorry, I don’t have any love life problems.” “I just haven’t found the right person yet.” “There aren’t any lovable women (men) any more.” Denial is a pretty formidable defense when it comes to love life problems. It belies an underlying unresolved hurt requiring a “locked door” to stay away from experiencing anything emotionally painful. I’ve learned to expect that the more rigid the denial, the more hurtful, the underlying disappointment.

I’m sorry to know that too many people will stay away from their hurt feelings and be unable to correct the repeating disappointments that will take over their love lives. This is truly tragic. So many good people, who experienced disappointments starting from the beginning of life due to no fault of their own, were taught to unconsciously expect and/or form unhealthy love relationships. On an optimistic note, I have had the gratifying experience of offering the opportunty to a person to work on their unhealthy psychological love life, which they first refused and denied, then accepted. The slow but meaningful journey back to reclaiming one’s love life is a wonderful experience to witness and participate in.

Comments welcome…

Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychological disability consultant, speaker, and author of the award-winning book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Presentations and telehealth Love Life Consultations available upon request. Contact: 212-875-0154 or drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com for inquiries. Visit my speaker page at lovelifelearningcenter.com/speaker