Is It Time To Work On Your Love Life?

Is it time to work on your psychological love life? Odd question? We work on everything else: social life, work life, family life, financial life…

We have a divorce rate that remains steady at somewhere around 50% and it gets higher for second and third marriages. Maybe we’ve gotten complacent and accept the inevitability of a disappointing love life. So many of the people around us have bad marriages. Perhaps we are all trying to live with the idea that there are no guarantees in love and the 50% divorce rate tells us it’s chance anyway. So if you are a gambling person and have the guts for an emotional risk, you’ll jump into love without any emotional preparation or hope of improving the odds for success.

My love life research over three decades tells me otherwise. Your love life can be worked on like every other area of our lives. OK, so what do I mean by “working on your love life?” More specifically, who you pick and how you relate to that person, can be changed improving the probability of an intimate healthy love relationship. Bold statement? I discovered that the vast majority of our love life problems are caused, pure and simple, by unhealthy learning about love relationships from unhealthy relationship experiences we’ve had in life starting from the very beginning of life. That unhealthy learning will determine what kind of love life experience you are going to have now in your adulthood. The bad news is, it’s learned unconsciously. The good news is, once we become aware of what we’ve learned, you can change it.

Here are a couple of clues that tell you its a good time to start working on your love life:

Clue #1: Is something unhealthy repeating in your love relationships? Have you noticed the disappointments in your love life appear to be repetitive? Different people yes, but the same old disappointing problem keeps showing up. The repetition I’m talking about indicates that something was learned about love relationships that is in control of your what happens in your love life. A common example is being attracted to the same type of person over and over again, having the same kind of disappointing relationship over and over again.

Clue #2: An unhealthy emotionally painful relationship experience in your family of origin is similar in some way to the disappointing experiences you are having in your adult love life? Unhealthy relationship experiences earlier in life can invade your adult love life and get replicated in your adult love relationships especially when you are not aware that this is happening. Once you become aware of the connection between past relationship experience and your current love life it is now possible to break the connection. For example, you grew up in a family with a violent alcoholic father and you’ve married two violent alcoholic men in your adult love life.

So what can be done about this? Step 1 is to become aware that you are repeating and replicating something unhealthy in your adult love relationships. That awareness will empower you to unlearn what you’ve learned that is driving the repetition and replication you’ve discovered in your love life. Let’s stick with the previous example, you are now aware that you’ve learned that a violent alcoholic man is the blueprint you are unconsciously using to pick a romantic partner in your love life.

Step 2 is to challenge this learning wherever you find it in your love life. By challenge I mean, using your awareness of the problem to interrupt whatever is controlling your love life in an unhealthy way. In the example we are using, you would form a conscious dedication to keeping violent alcoholic men out of your love life. You’ll have to remind yourself that violent alcoholic men have way too many personal problems to make good partners, and the reason you are attracted to them in the first place is because of what you endured growing up with one. You might decide not to find “eligible partners” in nightclubs or barrooms for example, and filter out men who drink too much and have anger/rage issues. Keeping out what you don’t want in your love life will require some practice.

Step 3 involves not only keeping out what you don’t want in your love life (Step 2), but also looking for the correction or healthy choice for your love life. This love life correction is usually the “opposite” of what is being replicated. Again with the previous example, the opposite of a violent alcoholic partner is a loving sober partner. You’ll form a dedication in your mind to look for a loving sober partner for the next love relationship in your love life. It will feel unfamiliar at first and may even make you uncomfortable or even anxious. Unfamiliar meaning (not of the “family”). You are unlearning what you’ve learned about love relationships earlier in life and replacing it with something healthier as you strengthen your ability to form and sustain a healthy love relationship. Getting what you need into your love life will also require some practice.

Working on your psychological love life will substantially improve the probability of having a healthy love relationship.

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, love life consultant, and love life improvement speaker living and working in Manhattan. He is the author of Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. He offers tele-health Love Life Consultations for individuals needing guidance and support beginning the unlearning process. Dr. Jordan can be reached at drtmjordan@gmail.com or 212-875-0154.