My Husband’s Narcissistic Mother

You married a man who has not yet separated emotionally from his mother. How can you tell? One very obvious sign is she (mother) will be trying to control her son, you, your marriage up close and from a distance, not long after you’ve married her son.

The message to you, his wife (or lover, if you want to drop the married part) is, you can marry my son but I stay number one in his emotional life.

Can you tell there is an underlying emotional maybe physical competition going on in this message? Of course you can. It’s pretty obvious.

The problem is, your husband has not yet left his mother. You see, it’s a pretty basic formula. If you don’t leave your mother you don’t have the emotional space to be truly married.

When you are truly married you are committed 100% to another woman, your wife/lover. You’ve left one woman (mom) to fully commit to another (wife/lover).

The complication from the son’s side is, not wanting to let go of his mother. Some men reach adulthood but they are not yet finished with their mothers. I would recommend to such a man that he not get married until he is ready to ‘divorce’ his mother. If my advice is heeded things could turn out OK.

The plan is, stay bonded to mom until such time that you are convinced that it is time to separate, meaning go off and commit to another woman. This other woman, your wife, in effect becomes #1 in your new life. Now you’re truly married.

And by the way, your marriage has a better chance of surviving if this more complete commitment has occurred. When your mother-in-law is still pulling the strings on her son, things can get pretty dicey especially when there is conflict between you and your husband.

You see, the mother who hangs onto her son past the time she is supposed to is expressing a certain kind of ‘narcissism.’ The narcissistic mother is trying to cure her problems within herself by hanging onto and expecting emotional things from her adult son.

There’s a certain selfish, perhaps self-indulgent quality to this. She is really only thinking of her own needs and not the needs of her son or her daughter-in-law for that matter. You can get married, but that doesn’t mean you belong to anyone but ME.

Now you have a dependent son and a narcissistic mother. Perfect fit. This co-dependent arrangement when it hits adulthood is bound to create dysfunction in both. The dysfunction often shows up the clearest in their relationships with others.

A narcissistic mother’s marriage (worse if she doesn’t have a husband) often suffers when unhealthy triangles dominate her love-life. The two most common triangles are: son-mother-father and wife-son-mother.

When the narcissistic mother has dug her claws into her dependent son you can pretty much bet there are underlying marital problems in  the mother’s marriage to her husband. What often happens is the narcissistic mother and her husband get to ‘avoid’ dealing with their marital problems by getting over-involved in other activities and people. For the narcissistic mother it’s her son’s life. For her husband it might be over-work, another woman, or simply emotional withdrawal.

When the triangle consists of son-wife-mother, the narcissistic mother’s control in her son’s marriage is bound to create marital problems for him and his wife. This triangle indicates that there are two women vying for one man. This never works out well. Conflicts increase over time and allegiances are strained.

Of course this kind of emotional arrangement can get pretty complicated when her son’s wife is trying to get her mother-in-law’s ‘love.’ A lot of people are psychologically immature when they get married and try to compensate for what they didn’t get in childhood (love) now from their spouse’s family. This is quite common in contemporary marriages.

Problem is, it’s bound to be disappointing when your mother-in-law is narcissistic. Number one, she has little or nothing to give, and number two, you (wife) are the competitor (in her mind at least) for her son’s adoration and affections.

Number three, unfortunately, you can’t really make up for past love-life disappointment by getting an adult person to ‘parent’ you. It’s healthier to heal the hurt as loss and learn how to make the best life for yourself with mature forms of love as an adult person.

The son’s efforts to ‘make peace’ between his wife and his mother while walking the ‘line’ between them is quite demanding. He’s bound to do a lot of fire fighting and repair work. If his wife is temperamental and expressive he’ll certainly have his hands full.

In my experience there’s always an underlying well of resentment in these men. Look at how much they have to pay attention to everyone else’s needs while sacrificing their own. What they don’t realize is, they have a right to a life of their own. Parenting is supposed to be a time-limited function and we are not suppose to nurture our own parents. We are supposed to sink that love we have inside into our own lives.

In my experience, once sons in this trap start feeling bad and looking for a way out, this idea of having personal choice and rights has the potential of putting a pretty healthy fire in their bellies. From then on it becomes a matter of gaining personal freedom and owning your own love-life.

If his marriage survives his separation from his mother (guilt), he and his wife will be able to have more of the marriage they dreamed of. And mom gets a chance to go fix her own marriage.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. T. Jordan

 

194 Responses to My Husband’s Narcissistic Mother

  1. Kate

    Hi –
    This is the EXACT scenario that I am dealing with my mother-in-law and husband. We have been married for 2 years and immediately after we got married, she started treating me like an enemy – getting upset and bent out of shape over perceived “criticisms” that she thinks that I made towards her, talking about me behind my back, taking my words or actions and twisting them so that she could tell people about it and convince them that I was a bad person, pretending like I don’t exist, and best of all, wrote my husband and told him to divorce me, when we hadn’t even been married a year. She uses emotional manipulation with my husband, with my sister-in-law, and with my father-in-law. She throws temper tantrums, crying fits, and guilt provoking statements to try and get people to do what she wants. It truly is like dealing with a very troubled child. I am convinced she has either narcissistic personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder. I read articles like this and it makes me feel like my marriage is utterly doomed. My husband’s parents are getting old and we live far away, so of course he feels some guilt over this. But his mother makes SURE he never forgets it. She uses the “FOG” method over and over. If we move close to them, I feel like our marriage is done for. I guess my question is this — will a man that has been conditioned like my husband has (because I’m sure he has been dealing with her manipulation for YEARS) EVER learn to separate himself from his mother? Because I have to say, if he doesn’t learn to do this, then I will not stay in this marriage. There is only so much of this I can take. I refuse to play second fiddle to that woman indefinitely, and I WILL leave. Please tell me that my marriage is not doomed.

    • Abigail

      Walk away. From my own personal experience in this type of situation – your marriage is doomed. My husband was my MIL’s substitute husband long before I met him and will be long after I am out of the picture. (We share a young child otherwise that would have already happened).

      The warning signs were there from the beginning. Despite having a husband of her own (withdrawn and elderly) MIL turned to my husband for ALL her support. I should have walked away from this train wreck but didn’t.

      We married. Everything I said or didn’t say was taken as a personal affront by my MIL. I was trying to hold him back, tell him what to do. And it was because I was a career woman though that only became her platform once she knew I out earned her son.

      She also bad mouthed her other children’s partners constantly and had pretty much zero relationship with those partners (you realize pretty quickly that in her mind all the partners were evil and her children hard done by angels).

      Unfortunatly, the dynamic I didn’t pick was that my husband was co-dependent. He would chose to spend every weekend with him mother. Today is father’s day. His fondest wish for father’s day is to spend the day with his mother. (His father passed away years ago). None of her other children compromise their families to appease her – just my husband. The number one son and favorite child (the other children all know and accept this).

      I walked away. It was destroying me emotionally. Finally I accepted it was a failing in their relationship (mother and son) that contributed to the ending of mine.

      The day of reckoning comes for these men who don’t detach from their mothers emotionally. They will (likely) outlive their mothers. You can only hope that their mothers’ deaths don’t destroy them – either in their inability to function without their mothers or in the realization that they allowed their mother’s to destroy their lives.

      • Chris

        Hi,
        I can relate to your situation. My fiancé and I have been together 4 years. My MIL used to call me every day acting like my best friend. She would run her son down but then say understand I love my son?!? Now that I am selling my house and finally getting closer to a wedding date and in one household she is starting to criticize me.and uneasy with losing control. She will make jabs at me at dinner about different careers and told me I won’t be happy living there, etc. I feel she is trying to stop me from becoming closer because that takes away time spent with her? She gets upset if we don’t spend every holiday at their house. She doesn’t understand we want time with our kids together alone to celebrate holidays. She then makes my fiancé feel sorry for her. She starts crying and he gets sucked in. From what I read, until your husband totally separates himself from his mother, it is difficult for him to have a relationship with another woman. My fiancé yells at her, tells her she is interfering then she starts crying then makes him feel bad. She is a manipulator! Always trying to give him money to help out then makes you feel like you owe her. His dad just goes along with whatever she does. I am sure she is talking about me to his brother gf that live states away but everything kept quiet.nshe just acts different when I am around compared to when we first met. I think my fiancé is the only one that can really change the situation to make it work. Is this how you feel?

        • Sunshine

          What a relief to have just read your post, I’d swear your MIL and my MIL were the same women. What I have recently noticed is that she is trying to push us apart so she can have each to herself, he’s 43, and she still treats him like a child. She says things like “oh I’ll cut you from the inheritance and you’ll get nothing, if you don’t start ( fill in blank ). She goes behind our backs to each other if she senses we are having troubles, and tries to convince us of walking away from each other, FIL goes to work 2 hours early everyday to escape this women, she shows up unannounced, buys me ugly things for our home I feel forced to use or she will say I don’t appreciate her. If you have a headache she has a migraine, when she was my age she was skinnier, better skin, better dancer etc, she never even seen me dance? I told her that she should stop compairing us, we are not in competition, but it still continues every chance she gets, twice now she has lied to both myself and BF in order to create a fight, most recent yesterday. Thankful that he is on my side, now we have to alienate ourselves from his family bec she will do anything in her power to make us feel unwelcomed until she becomes centre of attention. She will be told to grow and admit what she has done is selfish. If she won’t we walk and don’t look back. She constantly complains about something going to doctor, or about all the work she does… She’s the only one making the mess… Uses money constantly to try and buy her right to call and interfere. She thinks that’s if she gives us $ at Christmas, that entitles her to call everyday, sometimes twice a day, I once went 3?minths talking to her everyday on phone! I was becoming a nervous wreck… I had a 6 month old baby to care for and she wants to blab about nothing. I had to seek professional counselling, learn how to set new boundaries. It worked for quite a while but somehow she weasled her way back in. Put my foot down in cement this time. Now she’s extremely overweight, constantly complaining about some new ailment.

          • Cindy

            Recently seperated from my husband of three years (we have been together for 10). We have an eight year old daughter and at the beginning we had many problems since we were so young (started dating him when I was 16) and didnt marry right away. My MIL and I were pretty close. We lived in PR and my not husband moved to TX for a job opportunity while I finished college. She always ssaid she was on my side and was very “understanding” during my 3 year long distance relationship until I graduated, moved to TX and married her son. Things started comingg out like the way she used to tell him not to send me money for our daughter or tell him to lie to me about how much he really made ($). They speak every day and it is difficult for him to make a decision without consulting with her first. His older brother does not allow for her to have this type of input in his life so she manipulates my husband. All the negative starting immediately after we got married. A few days before closing on our home, he said that maybe we shouldn’t put the house under both of our names because his mom was worried that it wouldn’t work out and he would be left with nothing. Can you believe this?? I am the mother of his child and she dare say something like this. There have been multiple times where she has pulled something like this off. Even to the point where she was complaining about the color I wanted tonpint my master bedroom- to the bedding and decor I chose for MY house! It has been continuous and she has caused multiple fights between my husband and I. Worse part is he sees nothingg wrong with her. Not even when she visits and tries to take authrity away from me in front of my daughter! One ex: after I tell my daughter to put on her careseat, my MIL says tobher don’t worry, you don’t need it! How dare she! One thing is for her to want to control my husband, but my daughter also? And this is all considering that we live soo far apart and she is still able to control our life as if she were in the same house. One visit she stood in my kitchen and threw a tantrum, insulted and humiliated me while my husband just stood there believing every word that came out of her mouth. All because We had both just started a new job, and she decided to come visit for 3.5 weeks! And we were busy working. I would come home from work and find her dirty socks in my kitchen! My father in law would just lay on the couch and watch tv ALL day and I would just go into to my room to avoid losing it. I’ve tried talking to my husband and explaining to him my bothers, but he doesn’t seem to understand or doesn’t want to. He says I have the problem, not his mother. About 9 months ago I had to bring my 70yr old father to stay with us because he was very ill and alone, almost dying. He was diagnosed with cancer two weeks before Christmas (2 months ago) and in a heated argument we were having because of my in-laws, he threw in my face that he had accepted my father in our home. Argument got as bad as it could get and he left. A few days later we spoke and he doesn’t want to come home for now until we work out our problems. We were trying to work on things while on a short term seperation, until she insisted to him that he should just divorce me and make sure he fight for the house! Still in this mess and I do not think I can deal with their issues any longer! I love him, but I can’t deal with her and his insecurities any longer. Everyone says he will eventually realize that I should be his priority, but will it ever happen? When? Is it worth waiting at this point?

          • shannon

            This article is very similar to my experiences with my own ex-husband &ex-mother in law. I still love my ex husband very much but his mother and father moved up here and my ex moved in with them after our divorce now his older brother moved in and is getting divorced as well their mother has everything she wants now with her son living with her and she’s back in control.

      • sonja

        Oh my gosh, Chris. I think you are talking about my mother. She, too, gets upset and mopes and NEVER lets you forget about it if you choose to not spend EVERY holiday at her house. She is manipulative, makes comments about her kids never visiting her (or rarely visiting her), etc. She expects us to call her, yet she will never call us, saying that she is busy. (She is retired.) She refuses to see that there is any fault in her. For instance, if she saw this, she would immediately either: A) say that SHE would never have talked about her mother like this (guilt technique) or, B) say that she is no-good and that someone should just run her over with a car because she is worthless a terrible mother. It is MADDENING!!!! These types of people are impossible to deal with and cannot be reasoned with at all. It makes you feel trapped as an adult.

        • That is my Mil.I have been married to my husband for over 20 years.My Mil in front of him pretends to like me but when he is away she shows her true colors. She never calls you she says she is always busy or comes over but as soon as my husband is in town his Mom and his 3 sister’s somehow they all find time even though they are busy to see him. She expects me to be there Christmas Mother’s day her birthday etc and if you don’t make it she makes you feel guilty saying that I hurt one of her Grandaughters feelings or her daughter’s missed me. Well if they missed me why her daughter’s they are big girls why can’t they come over or call me.Her older daughter calls me names compares with me is awful the other 2 daughter’s want nothing to do with me unless Christmas comes up and I have to be there rain or shine or else I am the bad guy because I hurt their Mother’s feelings.Mil doesn’t talk to my kids they are her biological grandkids she only expects to see them at holidays and the kids have to call her first not her.Is so much over the years but finally I had enough. Husband will defend her and I am the bad guy.At times I feel I am going crazy over his family and my husband is it me and what do I do.It never ends.

          • stacey allam

            I am in the same boat I have been married 26 years my mother in law and I live in different sttes about three hours away if my husband does not visit for two or three months she has a fit tells my husband she will cut him off I wish she would she is fighting with her grandson and his family and god help us if we visit them ive been going through this nonsense for twenty six years and while I love my husband I’m about ready to throw in the towel ive told him to move there then hopefully hell see what a nut job she is and this will be over but no he wont do it

        • Katherine

          I’ve read a few comments to this article and I have to admit that it makes me feel a lot better inside. Just knowing I am NOT the only one who has to deal with this “inappropriate” behavior between mother and son has made me feel, for lack of a better term, normal.
          I’ve seen the funny shows and films based around a “Monster-In-Law,” but I can be QUITE honest when I say my, at the time, naïve side made me believe that these type of people do not exist. There is NO such thing as a “mamas boy” and “narcissistic mother-in-law.” Oh God, I could NOT be more wrong…
          When I first go with my husband, I was not really introduced to his mother or his relationship with her, until a few months into our dating life. I won’t lie, I had begun falling for him greatly because the guy I dated before him was not good to me. I was in a 7yr HELL with Satan himself, so the way he treated me and how he showed me a relationship can contain more “happiness” than “stress” just made me fall quicker and quicker for him.
          Well, after meeting his mom at a restaurant up in the area he was originally from made me see just what I had gotten myself in to. Just their demeanors together, how they spoke to each other, and even how CLOSE they sat to one another, practically made me feel like I might as well NOT even be a part of this little “dinner date.” After that, more and more evidence came to pass that his relationship with his mother was just down right BEYOND inappropriate.

          I can say, however, that I almost let go of my husband twice within the 1st year of our “dating” relationship. Without judging his life and relationship with his mother, I sat him down and let him know that I enjoyed the time we had together, but I was 27yrs old and was ready for an adult relationship. I told him that he had “mommy issues” that he needed to handle, not just to possibly TRY and save what we currently had, but for possible FUTURE romantic relationships. Though I was heartbroken beyond belief trying to break it off with him, I still was worried about his well being.
          My fears were met when he looked at me and said, “I will change it because I do not want to lose you.” I immediately made him understand that he needed to “fix” his inappropriate relationship with his mother for himself, not because he was afraid of losing me. He would have lost more than JUST me had he kept that sick relationship going with his mother.
          I think what brought him to the realization that he and his mother had an inappropriate relationship, was after he had a FULL year on his own, living away from her and out from under her roof. He also had a talk with her, basically informing her that he is not the little boy she loved anymore. That he was a full grown man and even though she would ALWAYS be his mother, their relationship would have to change.
          She’s still coping, but I can honestly say that she’s not as “nightmare-ish” anymore. She’s backed off quite a bit, but from time to time she can lay on the “guilt trip” pretty thick. Great thing about it, my husband will call her out on it and say those games have no effect on him anymore.

          We get along, but I am fully aware of the real reason. We only “tolerate” each other for her “sons” sake. It is funny how things happen, though. My exboyfriend was a nightmare, but his family was top notch AMAZING! ESPECIALLY his mother. Now, my husband is the “top notch, amazing” one, but its his mother that needs a LOT of help!

          • Sue

            For the last couple of months I’ve been trying to make sense of what happened and why it happened in what was undoubtedly the best year of my life in many ways, and in others a complete nightmare. Now I know I was in a relationship with a Golden Child who, in my very carefully considered opinion, has NPD. I have researched this to the point of tedium (as we do apparently). I know Peter Pan Syndrome is a factor but he fits the bill for NPD no doubt whatsoever. I thought I’d come to the point where I’d pretty much covered the lot and am well aware of his mother’s role in all of it but this morning I felt the need to look up if she could have been a trigger for the end. Now I’ve read this, I am 95% sure it was her. I look back at other points in the relationship, reflect on what I know already from him but also a close friend of his, and realise that I had become a big problem for her. She was happy that I stepped in and saved him from himself at the beginning but once he was back on top, I was a threat. Fortunately for me, I am a strong independent woman and was the one who discarded as I could see I’d reached my limits but not before considerable damage was done. I accept that it can take time to recover and admit that despite my resilience,I am having some difficulty shaking this off; I really thought he was the man I’ve wanted to meet for as long as I can remember and the story around that you wouldn’t believe – people say I should write a book – but in reality, it was just his false self because inside he is empty. He is also an intelligent man and knows he has serious issues and this is the sad part. I have told him what I think the problem is and that his relationship with his mother is very unhealthy. My own self-esteem is much more important than trying to save him from his narcissistic mother which apart from death maybe, no one can save him not even himself – he is incapable. No wonder he’s never maintained relationships, had children and his one brief marriage lasted a matter of months – it will have been the mother’s influence. He’s 45, very good looking, looks 10 years younger though and has a very good lifestyle. He was the love of my life but it’s over.

            Now I DO need to move on as there is nothing to be achieved by pouring over the whys and wherefores anymore. I deserve more, so much more. First job, get my life back on track and be magnificent all over again!

            I wish you all much happiness and true love in the future.

          • Bunny

            Dear DIL’s, I wish I could help you but I cannot because I have a DIL (daughter-in-law) who has completely shut me out and I am not allowed to see my 3 grandchildren. I am the MIL(mother-in-law) searching online for something to help me understand what to do. But all I keep reading about is narcissistic MIL’s. Why do you young girls give the MIL’s this name?I don’t get it.My DIL has killed my spirit for living by taking my precious grandchildren from my life. The children are 13,8, & 5 with the middle child having a disability.I love them oh so much but she will not answer the phone and she has turned not only the grand boys against me but my son has turned also.It has now been 9 months since I have seen their sweet faces. I don’t know if it is your generation or what it is but you girls have a total misunderstanding of what love for a child means.The terminology used in some of these stories about “inappropriate behavior between a mother and son”; I’m sorry, I just don’t get that.What kind of inappropriate behavior are you talking about? What does that mean? A hug or something? The way I was brought up was to always try to be close to your mother because you only have one.There will never be anyone in your life that cares more about you than your Mother.Your generation needs to wake up because without family, there is nothing worth living for.A close family is a wonderful thing.Why are the DIL’s so jealous of a love that was shared before she was in the boy’s life? It is ridiculous to be that way.Doesn’t your own mother feel that way about you? Growing up in a family with 10 children we were always taught to show affection for each other & for our parents;when there was a problem with someone outside the family unit,you were expected to always have that family person’s back.It was a true love and an appreciation for life and for parents who put a roof over your head and food on the table.I only had one son and he married a girl who was also an only child. I knew there was something wrong from the beginning.I wasn’t invited to most of the wedding showers for her.My son had asked me to sing at his wedding (I am a professional singer)but she would not agree to it.My son and I were always close before he married (I was divorced from his Daddy & raised him as a single parent)and he witnessed the love my siblings and me and my parents exhibited toward each other. I adopted that same affection toward my only son. But now my DIL has controlled my son and has poisoned him against me as well as my grandboys. She has threatened to file an order of protection if I even drive up the driveway of their home in hopes of getting a glimpse of my grandchildren.I wanted to post this so you can see the other side of the spectrum. I am dying inside to see not only my grandchildren but my son.But I am forever blocked and will never get to be a part of their lives. I hope that if you girls reading this have not given your life to Christ that you will now do so. With Christ you want to love and not destroy others.My DIL claims she is a believer in God but the Bible says: You shall know them by their fruits.You all that have written into this blog will be remembered tonight in my prayers just as I will pray that my DIL will someday love me and get her life right with Christ.I did everything I could do financially to help them but remember “money can’t buy love.” They lost a business (I paid for it) and they are still angry about losing it even though several people tried to show them what to do to save it; well, they always knew better and they did it their way but lost it. I have just tried to guide them to realize that not everyone is cut out to own a business.They both have Master’s degrees and need to “pull themselves up by the bootstraps” and get jobs.Obviously, they feel the world owes them something.My fault was to express that to my DIL and she decided since I had recently cut off the money that she wanted nothing else to do with me.Now here I sit a woman of 68 yrs old, but cannot see my grandchildren or the son I love so very much!DIL’s please look at what you have done to such as I. I am considereing suicide because I cannot see my grandchildrens’ faces. My heart is shattered and my life is gone. I dream of them night and day. I don’t see what my purpose in living would be at this point. Please try to wake up and change this phenomenon. Love is the greatest thing of all. May God Bless You and I pray you will ask Him into your life! He can change you!I just hope God will forgive me for what I am about to do.

          • Amy

            I feel like i could have written exactly this. Would like to talk if possible.

          • Dr. Jordan

            Go to “personal consultation” on homepage
            to send a private message. Dr.J.

    • goingthroughit

      This is exactly what I am dealing with. I should have known when we decided to elope and he didn’t tell his mother. When she found out we got married she stopped talking to him for 4 months! Only when she needed him for something did she decide to let him back into her life. She has been married but unhappy in her own marraige for some time and she constantly criticises his stepfather to my husband and cries abou money, all the while not even bothering to curtail her spending habits. Now his stepfather has been fired and his mother is laying it on thick for him and he’s ready and willing to go running to her aid and step into his stepfathers shoes and take his place to help his “poor” mother while I get left in the dust because if it comes to me or her it’s going to be her. So much for love commitment and marriage when you are married to a mommas boy

      • Stella

        This woman and boy as I call him are ruining my life he is only committed to her 2yrs of hell I have had his answer is you are not my owner when I go crazy that he has dropped me for her mummy tells him to hit me she stirs up all kinds of trouble when he is with her she lies gets other women involved etc I love him so much but it has to be on his terms he is 52 yes old by the way so anyone looking for salvation without doing anything please forget it because it isn’t going to happen

      • shauna

        I’m going through the exact Same thing with my boyfriend mom like how can I get my man back in good Graces with our relationship

      • Jean

        Ps. Sorry for typos. Also I forgot to mention the man
        I almost married prior to my husband.. lived with his mother.
        I was very close to her in fact.
        She truly took the role of his mother and wasn’t seeing me
        As a threat/competition in anyway.
        She wasn’t relying on my husband to fill and meet her needs.
        They lived under the same roof and never once did I have any issue
        with his mom.
        She respected his privacy.
        She was very supportive to him to me and to
        Us as a couple for the 5 years we were together.

        I bring this up… because I know what a healthy relationship
        looks like between mother and son and how Amazing and important
        that relationship is.
        I also know in my heart that most woman as long as they are shown
        love and respect they are happy to see their husbands loving their
        Moms and having a close relationship.
        After all I wouldn’t want a man who didn’t respect and cherrish their mother..
        it speaks a lot about how a man is with their mother.
        It’s when the mother abuses that privledge.. when she
        has entitlement issues and treats her son like a possession.
        When she looks to her son for fulfillment.
        When she she feels threatened by thought of
        her son having his own children because that will
        take a way from her… yes that’s my mother in law.

        So I just wanted to add this because I think it’s very
        important to note that most DILs I know including myself want
        want nothing more then to be in harmony and include their
        MIL and be a happy family.
        It saddens me to think anyone would believe otherwise.. and that
        Is part of the lies.. part of the problem.
        Wives just want the same respect and to feel free
        to live their life without someone being pushy
        Pushing their ways or their wants needs.
        Wives want support and yes love.
        They don’t want to feel in competition with
        someone who is suppose to be their example of light and
        Love.
        There is no competition.
        Mother and wife have their own place.
        The husband had a big part in this too.
        When I realized this is about me and him..
        our marriage… there was no blame… it’s about
        he and I being strong and united… no one can divide us
        if we’re strong… whether the mother is knowingly doing things
        Or unknowingly… it’s up to my husband and I to set the perimeter.
        In my case I know my mother in law knowingly things to
        stir trouble… I have caught her in lies.. and once I stopped
        blaming myself and realized my place in the situation and how
        important iam and that I don’t need her to validate that anymore
        more healing happened.
        And as I learned how to work with my husband and well God
        moving in our life…. more healing
        And as I stopped blaming myself,, stopped blaming her
        And spend more time in prayer… more healing
        As I speak life and Blessings over our marriage… more growth
        More clarity
        And so forth

        Mainly just wanted to point out we know what healthy
        Looks like with a mother and son… and that there’s no blaming
        But recognizing these unhealthy dynamics
        in hopes for healing in ourselves, our husbands, and our parent relationships

    • it is really sad when mothers can’t stand to or desire to see their children’s happiness! this should be illegal! Dumbblasses! smh I live to see my children and grandchildren lead a better life than I! makes no sense! Stupid control freaks!!!

      • My situation has a pressure element to it due to the impending Christmas holiday. My MIL has 6 children, 5 of whom disengaged from her when my father in law passed away. My husband is the baby, he is not the golden child but his 22 yr old daughter from his first marriage is. My stepdaughter dropped out of college, became pregnant and married a military man. Now she and her new baby are coming in town for Christmas. My husband and I
        have 3 daughters. My MIL has a scheduled meltdown every year about the holidays. She often threatens to withhold the excessive amount of gifts she has bought the girls. She created a conflict just last weekend about the way I was cooking in my own home and now she is not coming for Christmas. My husband, step daughter, and my daughters are all heart broken. I understand this is a ploy to make it about her, but my husband blames me and says, ” I don’t know why you can’t get along. I defend you and you do this…” I said nothing ugly or disrespectful other than I would not make the dish her way in that moment. I realize this is her choice but her abused conditioned son still blames me. So sad. Every year. I just get to be the fall guy for the disappointment of my young children, husband, and stepdaughter. Because she of course is never at fault.

        • Blameallyouwant

          They are never at fault. And that’s for sure. That one has its own forever – MILs never being at fault. 🙂
          Kidding aside, I am as broken hearted as yours.

    • Shauna

      My husband and I are in Family Therapy going through the motions of his Narcissist Mother. There is hope if he is willing to seek help WITH you. Don’t give up, marriage is supposed to be a forever commitment. We were so close to calling it quits and we are just starting the beginning stages of the “cut-off” and we are so much better!!

      • jen

        Can you plz let me know if it worked? I’m losing my mind and ready to give up on the only man I ever could love like this and I’m devestated that we could have the perfect relationship because he really does love me and wanna be my man and be by my side forever and is so special and has the kindest most caring pure heart I’ve ever seen & has been brainwashed into her little puppet she can control. It makes me SICK and so sad and I feel so bad for him to have so much potential and deserves to be so happy and enjoy life with the woman he has & might lose or end up hating cuz he can’t see or understand how much Bulls hit and manipulation he’s been made to believe and has no clue that his mommy dearest isn’t the one who has his back and wants the best for him…she’s only out to do whatever she has to do to get what she wants/needs and feels like she deserves…using/abusing/bullying/slandering/lying to/and hurting her child/children…anyone who comes close enough to her for her to sink her venom into and make believe she’s a good unselfish caring respectful person…I could go on for days just ranting about how sickening it is to live like this and see my husband be controlled and fear to live a normal life like everyone else cuz she’s filled his head with so many excuses/ told him he’s not able to do/ is in total control over everything he does and threatens to make it so we have to move out of the home we pay for, call home and threaten me everytime I say a word to her about how I feel cuz I’m “attacking her” and blah blah blah…..calling me every vulgar degrading name in the book and doing everything she can to turn my man on me and convince him I’m good for nothing…she lives right next door to us, spends 99% of the day here botching, complaining badmouthing and overstepping the boundary with anything u can think of …making me uncomfortable in my “home” and it’s to the point that dreading waking up everyday and staying at work till 10pm so I can pray she’s gone when I get home so I can possibly have a good 10 mind. ..hour…any little time with my man,son and just relax at home without hearing her loud bitchy voice telling me every single thing I’ve done wrong or didn’t do (like she told me to) and ruining my night getting me mad and going psycho arguing with my man all night long …literally about how she needs to get off my as and STOP ruining our lives…while he makes it seem like she’s so good &helps soon much when really she’s only out for herself.im so exhausted and tired of being miserable as soon as she somehow ruins my day and basically spits in my face when I try to clean and do as much as I can(while grieving my grandmother who I was so close to…who died less than a month ago and nothing I feel seems to matter …putting me through a roller-coaster through hell while trying to deal with the WORST month or 2.. time of my 30 years on earth…she’s ruthless and basically has no heart,sympathy, remorse,sympathy, compassion or concern for anyone but her…cuz in her eyes she’s perfect/always right and does no wrong…I need advice before my/my man of my dreams/ 7yr old son/ father of my son end up having our future and happiness,destroyed by this selfish bitchy. ..thx

    • Happy Living

      And how many of you hate your MIL’s because you want total control of your husband just as you believe your MILs do? How many of you will focus all holidays and family activities and get togethers around your immediate blood related family because you are comfortable and familiar with them, never giving thought that your husband is the same with his immediate family and wants to spend time with them? You will do everything to pull your husband into your family and manipulate him so he will do everything you need without seeing him as the individual he was before he married you. That is because you have yet to mature to the point of existence beyond doing whatever it takes to have your needs met. You don’t hate your MILs, you hate that your husband spending time with his mom takes away from the time you need him to be your everything and to do your bidding at all times. You transfer that hate to the MIL because it is easier to hate her than to hate him for not wanting to become your robot on demand. Ladies, a man will look you in the eyes and agree with you just to shut your big flapping mouth up. In the meanwhile he will find a way to be free of you and your demands through activities that give him that sense of freedom. Men do not like confrontation or change and you are constantly asking him to do both. He will withdraw and fantasize about loving someone else. Your MIL is rarely the problem. I am not denying there are some actual terrible mother in laws… Your expectations are out of line because once he is married to you you expect him to drop who he was and is to make your dreams come true, the heck with him. He ceases to be a human and only becomes a means by which you hope to achieve goals from house purchases to raising children, to supporting you no matter what. Support his love for his family, no matter what you think if them and stop trying to manipulate him into hating his family. You supposedly married an adult now let him be one. And let us pray you never have a son because you too will go through what you are now putting your MIL through- alienation for selfish reasons. Get to know her, communicate with her, ask her to be a friend and include her instead of just including your own mom. You married a family now act like it unless they are physically dangerous to your health or your children’s.

      • Reality is a B

        How unbelievably ignorant and delusional of a commentary. Let me guess, you have a power struggle conflict with your daughter-in-law and you are totally the victim of all the rediculous claims above? Funny, my mother-in-law warned the same that one day when my kids marry, I too will know her suffering pain. The thing is, I don’t look to my kids for personal fulfillment nor do ever expect that they place me or my wishes/demands ahead of what’s best for their careers/marriage/kids. So the likelihood of knowing her torture is nil.

        My mother-in-law may not inflict physical harm but emotional abuse and manipulation are just as destructive. Abuse is abuse. Withholding or disowning her son, saying he failed her or ignoring her grandchildren over petty BS fights that she dug her heals on is emotionally abusive. Cutting down people out of anger because she didn’t get her way (son agreeing with her “advice”) and making people feel like the lowest form of shit with her verbal attacks is abusive! Demanding her son side with her and against his wife on marital decisions that she has NO right chiming in on let alone throwing an adult size temper tantrum about is selfish, emotionally destructive and disrespectful. We don’t want our men to ignore their family of origin but to respect that the marriage always comes first. This isn’t us wanting to control our husband. This the foundation of a good marriage! Much of what you rant on about above is the pot calling the kettle black! Classic projection! I didn’t marry his family. I married HIM. Get THAT critical fact straight because it’s clear your expectations are way off base of what a healthy in-law relationship should look like! Also, working on communication and friendship goes both ways. Sadly, my mother-in-law lacks both those skill sets as well as empathy and consideration for other’s feelings.

        • brittany

          Nice…..I was gona say tons back to that if no one did. My husband is 27years old married 4 years and I deal with her narcissistic disorder as well as the fact that my husbandhas been victimized his whole life n is just now seeing it he is destructively parentified and doesn’t even KNOW WHO HE is .mymil once txt me off his phone as if she wer him telling me to abort our child I was carrying! Took my wedding ring wore white to my wedding gave my husband portability after I had gotten him through rehab she was always his pill supply new he would never leave her if only a pill held him there not to mention how much the commenting about says she’s praying narcissist tend to throw thebible n God in all while being thebiggest sinners for thing is this narssasitsic woman is on her trying to tear down 100 different women she doesn’t even know for some sort of gratification all while apparently not realizing we are all on here speaking because we have I’m sure at this point all done a research and digging and know the signs of “”crazy”” she must have children and she’s digging her claws n to some girl as the conversation goes I’m sure. Crazy thing is people with these disorders literally dont think they do wrong ever and will never say sorry your always the one that ends up saying sorry or just getting over it abuse because it husband teaches u how !!! My husband’s mother married his best friend being she was 37 he was 19 and before marriage was the friend staying n the house hold the cheating while step dad was OUTSIDE MOWING!!!! ALL WHILE COMING OUT OF HER ROOM AND TALKING TO HER SON ABOUT HOW SHE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO WALK AFTER THE SEX SHE JUST HAD WITH HIS BEST FRIEND!! I just feel sorry for my husband and honestly JUST WANA SAVE HIS LIFE! MEANWHILE I DONT DO ANY THING FOR ME I HAVE ACTUALLY PUT MY SELF IN SUCH A LOW PLACE TRYING TO FIX THIS ALL IM RUINING MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH N ALL HONESTY AND ITS TIME FOR ME TO SIMPLY SAY I TRIED BUT U COULDNT FACE IT AND GET COUNCILING SO NOW I LEAVE U AND GET COUSILING OF MY OWN… IM THE MOST BROKEN GIRL U WILL EVER MEET BECAUSE THE PERSON I GREW UP WITH WASWHO I ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT MARRYING AND DOWN THE ROAD IT HAPPENED AND TO GO THROUGH WHAT I HAVE AND LOVE SOME ONE SOOOOOO MUCH AND REALIZE U WILL NEVER BE LOVED THAT WAY BACK AND HAVE UR LIFE RIPPED APART N HEART SHREDDED ALL WHILE I KNOW HE CANT MENTALLY HANDLE WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE SHE HAS HIM SO MANIPULATED I SEE HIM EVERY NOW AND AGAIN “””MEANING HE KNOWS THERES BASICALLY ANOTHER PERSON IN HIM THAT IS COVERED BY YEARS OF PARENTIFUCATION..AND HE CANT FULLY SHOW THAT PERSON ….DOESNT KNOW HOW”””” I CAN SEE IN HIS EYES HE WANTS NITHING ELSE BUT ME AND HIS FAMILY SUBCONSCIOUSLY HE CANT ALLOW THE CHOICE MAKING BECAUSE HE DOES REALIZE THE MENTAL BREAK THAT FOLLOWS ## HOW DO U SURVIVE WITHOUT UR HEART 🙁

        • I was always the dil that wanted my Mil and my husband’s family. My family was never close. I don’t care if he spends time with her or my kids. The problem is she doesn’t want that. For example I had to work one Christmas I truly couldn’t take off my boss would had fired me so I told my husband is okay go and visit your parents I stay back I guess. The problem is she threaten her own Son that if I don’t come he is not allowed to come either or his kids. Now my Mil works too she knows if your boss can’t let you off you can take off. We had to make a living also I was standing by her son. So I had to call her because my husband was affraid to talk to her and told her I can’t come but your Son will be there. I asked her are you going to help me if I loose my job? She said No so I told her then please let me support my family and your Son.All she had to say was my daughter’s miss you so I told her if your daughter’s miss me that much which they don’t they never call us they were welcome to our home too. Some Dil want their Mil and husband’s and their kids to be a family the problem is some Mils are selfish and place rules. I am a Mil my self and I realized that the only way for a Mil/dil to work out is to be equal and compromise. I don’t put my self in my son’s and dil business it is not about me always. I am flexible if my son and his wife wants to celebrate one year Christmas with her family they can or if they want to stay home.We all have to share it is not about me. I don’t tell my Dil how to manage her house or her kids is their chance in life. I am welcomed in their home and my Grandkids lives but I don’t take advantage of it to over power her. I didn’t marry her my son did as long as my son is happy why ruin his marriage. We compromise and I don’t set rules. Call me first I am always busy. Also if I have a problem with my dil which I don’t I go straight to her and not behind her back and complain to my son or my daughter. My Mil instead of telling me she goes behind my back gets her son involved the whole family how can you trust a woman like that.That is not honest. Some Mils are trouble makers period.

      • JM

        Amen!!! My son eloped two years ago and we met her one month after they married. They have been married two years now. She has a 19 year old who graduates from Vanderbilt this year. My son is so good to both of them. He is a good person. We live in Florida and they live in Atlanta. We have seen her twice in two years. She has never introduced us to her 19 yer old daughter and we have never met her . My DIL never calls and never talks to us. My son only calls when she is not around. I told my son all I want is for her to be family. We have never been invited to their home. I’m so hurt and depressed. My husband and I are in our 70s and in poor health. I do not want to talk to my son again since he does not try to bring us together as a family as I feel he does not care about me. He calls every morning and talks with his father but it is hard for me to feel close to hiim. It isn’t like I have ever said anything bad about his wife or ever had any type of conversation about anything important. I DO feel like she has succeeded in separating us and I do dislike her for this though. She is 57 and my son 45! She moved here at age of 21 from Korea with no family, once divorced and had nothing to do with her daughter. My son brought his wife and daughter together again. I’m so glad for that but hurt that she cannot try to be family with us, spend times during holidays, etc. Am I wrong??? Any suggestions?

        • tootiredtoargue

          Thank you for being the example Narcissistic mother. But wait, let me guess: One day my son will marry and I should hope this does not happen to me?

          • So upset☹️

            Oh boy I feel the same way I had been with my husband for 16 years married for 14.and I’m still not except and I’m still not except my iTunes I can’t cook in my own house excepted ! And I have my two brother in laws also I married the youngest. And they try to run his life. I’m 11 years older then my husband have two childern that are not his. But he loves them and they love him also and respect my husband. Anyways back to the point my mother-in-law want to go to my weddingshe spit in my face!!! And talk about me to her family in spanlish. The funny thing is that I know how to understand and speake it crazy RT. I’ve tried to make her love me I’ve told her I’m not trying to take her place she’s his mom she will always be his wife it’s different . In the brothers always have seven to say never positive always like well you should do this you guys should do that me and my husband he was 21 when he bought his first house. So if I was so bad then how would he accomplish all what he has done. He’s electrician foreman at that and moving forward. She has me looking crazy. Heights food they live with me. I feel I don’t have no respect th Heights food they live with me. I feel I don’t have no respect in my own home. I love my husband and they need to get it threw there heads I’m not going no where. One of brothers in law has been married 3 times and my mil excepts them buys them things take some out to lunch. Makes me feel out of place hurts me bad it hurts me bad. I have lupus. And they know stress makes it worse. I know he loves me but he’s tired of the back and forth. My family use to come over nomore I have dogs I don’t feed them from the table I don’t like giving them human food she will give it to him in front of me what kind of respect all they tell me is that’s my mom no bullshit . My kids had a live with this they were young but they moved out and got their own lives. Why can’t everybody else live there’s Help

        • Marie

          Best thing is not to take any of it personally. They’re adults and have to work things out for themselves. If you really want her to feel like family, then put that extra effort in with her and pray is all you can do. Don’t get into their relationship…be more attentive to your own marital relationship. Everyone to work on their own relationship. Marriage is between 3 people and no one else. Marriage is between God, husband, and and wife. If you really love your son you’ll want his marriage to work above your own desires.

      • Notgiving up

        All of these comments help me to realize what I already knew that it’s not me. This is a REAL problem and it’s not about women not wanting to share the man/husband with his mom or family. Whether it’s a serious relationship or marriage the mom has NO place in it at all!! These women have real problems and are unhappy in their own life and relationships/marriages.
        I notice it is mostly with the son and mother and not so much with the mother daughter.
        I was in a previous relationship and we had a child, his mother was so demanding and controlling that we could not be together. She messed up all of his relationships so he ended up living at home til 40 something and ended up killing his self at 42. His mom which is my son’s grandmother now tells my son to NEVER marry. My son is aware of her though.
        I’m in a new relationship now years after that and what do you know ANOTHER controlling mother, this one tells her son NO woman is good enough for him. She cries to get her way, talks about me behind my back, buys him underware and clothes, sends him cookies, etc etc.

        I know how bad it is I’ve been in this fight for almost 8 years now, it’s like an awful love triangle you, him and his mom. More like a bad nightmare, I blame the man and his mother.

        I’m a mother of one daughter and three sons that are all adults I pray to God to never be that kind of mother or mother in law.

        I could go on and on, but I will just say hang in there if you can. I feel that my man is worth it but it has been really hard.
        DON’T give in to their Evil!

        God Bless!!

        • My Mil always plays the victim she has suffered etc. I have suffered too but what does it mean that I am going to make my Dil play by my rules. The funny thing is I wanted a relationship with my Mil but either she is busy with her hobbies her friends her 2 close daughter’s or what ever and she wants a relationship with me when the holidays approach or I have to call her or find time for her always on her time never on ours. She puts no effort yet she complains.she is always busy but when her events happen she expects everyone to drop what they are doing so we can pretend we are a family. She is never wrong always right she doesn’t want to hear it when you try to tell her in a polite way so what are you suppose to do with that person when she doesn’t want to see her part.she never spends time with her Grandkids because she is busy because she raised 4 kids and she suffered so she has no time for them unless Christmas comes. All I know relationships work with effort if you don’t put an effort and the other person does too don’t expect miracles. I used to be the one always going to their home calling them texting them until one day you wake up and say to your self let me stop and see what they will do silence for months. Then she claims oh you know I love you I am thinking I see that if you loved me even as a human being you will call once every two months to see if I am dead or alive. As long as I was playing by her rules she was okay now that I stopped her and her daughter’s got pissed and what is sad they are taking it out on my daughter their own blood how sick is that. My husband still defends them and I don’t care anymore I see their true colors especially when they are name calling my children. I have Grandkids too I don’t name call them or taking out on them.

      • Carpediem

        “We don’t want our men to ignore their family of origin but to respect that the marriage always comes first.”

        Well said “Reality is a B”! In fact, I don’t usually quote the bible but this particular quotation: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” seems to fall on deaf ears with mama’s boys.

        “Happy Living”, the picture you paint of women who expect their husband’s primary loyalty to their new family is not only unfair but also very
        unrealistic. Why are women expected to leave their family of origin and follow their husband while so many men can’t seem to cut the apron strings?
        I moved all the way to the West Coast to follow my husband and I only get to visit my parents once or twice a year. I never complain about it even if I miss them terribly. On the other hand my husband went into sudden amnesia the minute his mom moved from her country of origin to live around my corner. I tried my very best to please that narcissistic monster to no avail. My husband never took my side even when he would witness her relentless bullying and rudeness. He would instead chose to turn a blind eye and tell me things like: “She’s just old..why do you have to make such a big deal..” I had to draw a very thick line the day my 5 year old daughter came home crying hysterically because granny had been mean to her.
        So “happy living” what would you have done if you were in my shoes? How much longer should I have put up and shut up??
        Le me tell you that the women you are referring to in your comment, the “insecure” ones who try to take their husbands away from their family of origin often do so for a very good reason. These mama’s boys are not assertive enough to draw the line and loosen the apron strings and that leaves us women the daunting task of having to do it ourselves for the sake of self preservation.

      • Erika

        Although I agree with you that there are controlling wives out there I must say that every situation is different I’ve been married 16 yrs.and even before I got married to this man I wanted to form a partnership with my mil I thought we both love him but when there is no room for you you can’t. I know I try, a lot in different ways to get along with her but sometimes you just can’t is not healthy for you,your kids and your marriage but I am a fighter and I don’t give up easy I said it’s my marriage my family the father of my children. Well she doesn’t bother us without a fight I have a strong back bone and I’m not naive, marriage is work and as long as your spouse sees the reality there is hope. My husband sees.

        • JoJo

          My husband does see the reality. He also still tends to his moms demands. I think honestly part of the problem is the fact that she cannot live without him because he fills a void for her. He is her only child. Her husband has been cheating on her for the last 15 years and not much of a husband and does mental abuse her. But she also abuses him. It goes both ways. When her son, my husband decided we were going to move to BC, she made sure that he would not move away. So she offered that we (dating at the time) move up north to the cottage and live there which is about 4 hours from where she lives with her husband. Well we did, then she had him right where she wanted. She proceeded to ensure that he stuck around by suggesting he built a house on the property she owed, which was right next door to the other cottage she owned. We did that as well. I followed his lead through the whole thing, I trusted he was making the right decisions for us. My spidy senses were tingling. I had a bad feeling about it. She then proceed to give us the ultimatum to secure the whole deal. She said to him I can either sell the cottage next door and you can maintain that or I can built a garage for you to store you stuff and I can have a granny flat on top of it and you can maintain something that is new. Talk about guilt tripping. He had no choice but say yes, because he was getting a garage out of it. Why not. But thats not how I saw it, I saw it as a way of her getting to control him more than he knew. He is by definition a mammas boy. No question. She provides he bites and the story continues. So back to my spidy sense, it was right to feel out of sorts. The next thing I know, she is coming up for a month at a time going home for two weeks, then coming back for another month, going home for two weeks and repeating and repeating and repeating. Until its November and I get some time alone without judgment for two whole months. I find being around her annoying, because she is always negative, poor me is her attitude, she can never look at the bright side (its rare), always looking for people to feel sorry for her. She is very sensitive, secretive and never lets me in. She always tell her son stuff behind closed doors and then he will get mad at me for something she exaggerated that I said to her. She makes me out to be the worst person possible. I dont like being around her because she is passive aggressive. One time I went to visit her at her granny flat as I like to call it, because she had her niece visiting. I thought I would go over and make an appearance to say hi so she could not hold it against me and tell her son that I didnt do so. I always have to cover my tracks. So I asked her how her day was and mentioned what I was doing. I was going to a friends place because she wanted me to be a buffer for her family. Well the mil proceeded to say in a negative attitude “OH but you don’t need a buffer for your family do you”. I decided right then and there I was done with her passive aggressive attitude. I decided I was never going to visit her again and I closed her out of my life. I was done being made feel like I am nothing special in her eyes when I wanted was a friend. Not going to happen. She is a narcissistic person. I can’t stand her pitting her son against me. I never say anything. But I feel like one day I am going to tell her just how I feel. My husband would say oh stop she is just old or something other excuse for why she behaves that way. Or her hip is feeling like crap.. blah blah. blah.. im over it.

      • Sab.

        No.I married my husband
        I would never marry this familiy let alone this nightmare of a mil.

      • Mmmmm

        A healthy relationship with your married adult childrenot has boundaries. Healthy married couples start thier marraige by respecting eachother feelings and making decisions together. They then have a good foundation to parent thuer children. They put eachother first, and have each others backs. In laws dont understand they are no longer in the driver’s seat. It is worse when they are widowed or single because thier rude, hateful, possesive behavior comes from insecurity

      • True2Me

        Happy Living, I understand the point you’re trying to make but you lost me when you started getting insulting and throwing all the blame back at daughter-in-laws. Yes, it takes 2 to tango but I’m sure most of the women on this forum can agree that they’ve made extensive efforts to try and make peace with their in-laws and only want to have a happy home not only for themselves, but for their husbands as well and extended family including in-laws. I’m one of those woman. I made every effort from day one to love my in-laws like my own parents, maybe even more so. My own parents got divorced during my late teens and prior to that I had a very close-knit family. I was used to having in-laws of my aunts and uncles become part of our family so naturally I felt it could be the same or even better with my in-laws. My parents divorced but family on both sides still loved them and continued to maintain relationships. The only break-up was between my parents, so I never could imagine that I would experience this horrible relationship with my in-laws. From the start they treated me like I needed to prove my worth and earn their love and trust. I was never told to call them mom or dad. If they could have it their way, I would keep calling them Mr. _ and Mrs. _. But my husband wanted me to feel close to them and asked me to be the first to try and be the one to make the efforts, and break those barriers. Every effort I tried was met with resistance. I thought maybe I’ll never be considered a daughter, but maybe I can start by establishing a friendship atleast. Not even that worked. Everything I tried was met with resistance and rejection. It’s all an accumulation of little interactions, comments, underhanded remarks, facial expressions, body language, and indirect comments from them I would hear from their friends and family members that would get back to me. So sneaky, that I thought maybe I was going crazy. At first I would ignore these “little things” and think maybe I’m just overreacting. I would talk to my husband and he would tell me to “let it go”, or “they probably don’t mean it that way”. Or I would also start to feel guilty when he would say, “oh they’re getting old, they don’t know what they’re saying. Y’know they’re sensitive because they’re getting old.” It was just so strange to me because they would do things to exclude me and just focus on my husband and my two daughters (their grandchildren) and never include me or my eldest son (from a previous marriage). I could go on and on with examples, many which are so similar to the stories from the other women who have posted here but I’d rather put it behind me than step back into that CRAZY world. It’s too painful. Reading other women’s experiences is such a relief to know that I’m not the only one. It helps validate me to know I’m not crazy. But you Mr/Ms. Happy Living… I get the point you were trying to make initially. I can agree that we as the DIL of Narc In-laws still need to look at ourselves and hold ourselves accountable to our own actions. But you’re losing your audience and your point as soon as you get insulting. Who wants to listen to you when you sound just like a Narc or their Minions/Flying Monkeys.

        So Mr/Ms. Happy Life… you’re really on the wrong forum. You should be more sensitive about what you say because the women here have real pain and hurt. We don’t need another insensitive person like you who wants to bury us further and invalidate us as a people who deserve to be loved. I think that’s all we really want. I’m not ashamed to admit that I may have made some mistakes as well in how I’ve handled my narc in-laws, but only because I was blown over the edge. I don’t regret the times I’ve vented to my husband about his crazy family. I had to let it out. But I didn’t keep on going because I know it’s not his fault so why do I need to make him suffer as well? He’s just as much a victim since he grew up with this craziness. I’m careful now because I don’t want them to bring me to their level and I know in retaliation I may have acted just like them. Yes, we need to get away from these people otherwise we’ll end up just like them, or they will destroy us and any goodness or love that exists within us, and we’ll end up just bitter and ugly like them. Run ladies! Run! If you can take your husbands away from these psycho MIL’s then do it, and show him the true meaning of love so he won’t look back.

      • troubled dil

        there may be many narcissistic DILs out there, but before you judge, keep in mind, when a young girl gets married, she comes in wanting to make everyone happy, she wants to care for her husbands family, these frustrated woman here talking about their MILs, are women who have burned their fingers multiple times! What do you do, when you are new to the family, and you get yelled at for petty insignificant things, like being late for 5 mins, or saying one word wrong, or just asking a simple question, that triggered the mil, or because there was a drop of water on the kitchen pavement,or because u mistakenly kept the milk bottle back facing in the fridge. I have been emotionally and verbally abused for things like these, I was yelled at, and said something is wrong with me, and i dont know hot to live, because my MIL felt i used the soap to quickly, instead of using it for 4 weeks, i finished it in 3 weeks. and the soap only costs 50 cents and my husband is a highly paid doctor, clearly we are not poor, every item i buy for myself i am expected to show my MIL! and if i do, il be
        criticized! Spending time with her?! from day one in-spite of my politeness and best efforts, she has been passive aggressive, and constantly angry at me. for petty insignificant things. She has told my husband im below her, weaker than her, and subservient to her, i should do only what she says, these are her exact words, dont be quick to judge, you dont know what battle someone is fighting!

      • Edward

        Oh my. What a perfect post. I think we all needed to see how this looks from the MIL perspective. Thank you for spending the time to type up this revealing message.

    • Alicia

      OMG, your story is similar to my story. I am suffering from 5 years because of my narcissist in-laws. I had never seen such a jealous woman (70′ years old) who was trying to compete with her me. She started to destroy our marriage from 1st night of our marriage, she was saying son slip at my house, let ur wife go alone. My in-laws tortured me badly for 4 years and I was in sever depression. And beacuse of narcissist parents my husband also never grown mature. Now He is understanding but we have destroyed our 5 years and still beacuse of such a selfish mother in law we are not at peace

    • Becky

      I have been married for 20 years…After 5 or 6 years of fighting a losing battle, I removed myself from the triangle, I instructed my husband that I was no longer going to deal with his mother, I asked him to respect my decision even if he couldn’t understand it.
      She was very happy, she got to see her son and grandchildren, without me. They visited her on Holidays, Birthdays etc. I invited her to Major milestones (graduation ceremony /party etc.) But there wasn’t anymore tugging or pulling. I figured out that I was competing in an imaginary nonsensical competition that didn’t really exist.
      Stop fighting, there is no battle, you have a completely different relationship with your husband than he has with his Mother.When you allow their relationship to be what it is, you then allow your relationship with him to grow and distinguish itself. Blessed be and good luck

    • Jessica

      I’ve been in this situation for almost 20 years. Finally, when my husband is starting to get it and make the changes I needed him to make in the first 2-3 years of our marriage, there is so much damage to his perception of me that it may end in divorce anyways. You’re right, there is a lot of talk behind your back and twisting of things. She has poisoned his love for me and he just doesn’t look at me and treat me the same as he did when we were “in love”. I made the mistake of “giving him time” to work through it. In this way, I contributed to enabling him to keep hanging onto her instead of letting go and finally being married to me. Every time we tried to build something in our relationship, she squashed it with the guilt thing. She had to be everywhere with us, we never had a life outside of her. There has been a lot of fighting between her and him and in a way he has harbored resentment towards me for “making him do that to his poor mom”. We should never have married in the first place & I now know the signs I didn’t see when we were dating. My life is very depressing and now that I’m older, do I really want to leave? I can just imagine when she dies, he’ll probably blame me for all the fights he had with her.

      Get some counseling and lay out a plan for helping him see what he is doing. Set some boundaries and stick to them, including following through with the consequences of the boundaries being broken. Don’t threaten to leave or divorce him unless you are really willing to follow through with it. If you continue to threaten but not follow through, he will not take you seriously. Be ready to leave for good if you do not see the change. Don’t waste your life like I did. When and if he has broken the tie to his mother and he’s ready to have a normal marriage without her as a “surrogate wife” and fully commit to you, he may come back. By then, you may be very old and have a new life and he will have wasted his all by himself. Don’t waste your life, stand up and stick to the values you held prior to meeting him.

  2. tina draves

    I promise u that I have the same exact situation u have but intense and extreme!!! This bitch is f’n crazy and I’ve been dealing with it for 7 years….I look at it as a complete weakness on my guyss part…why he would let the same person continuously disrespect the one he’s suppose to love is disgusting…she seriously asked him so ur picking her over me? But he still continues to talk to her and never makes her answer to her actions…he doesn’t even see she has no respect for him as an adult…u said urs wrote a letter telling him to divorce u…this bitch texts it on a daily bases…I could go on and on

    • kaliegh

      Omg I can relate, mine is evil she is always trying to tear us apart and blame me for everything, the fact that my husband cant see what she is doing makes me sick, wish he would be the man I thought I married an stand up to this bitch she is fucking insane

      • Shauna

        I had this issue. I started recording every conversation and I snooped through things to collect evidence to provide my husband. After 6 years of being crapped on I was done. He eventually saw the light and we are in therapy and doing better!

        • Rose

          Shauna, your situation Mirrors mine. I would like to talk to you if that’s ok? I’m really lost and just need advice… My husband is 44 yrs old and I have a 21 month old baby. Things have been really bad since we got married in 2013 and worse after the baby was born. His mother is his wife, they even went behind my back and arranged for him to see a divorce lawyer with his dad who booked it for him, I only found out after I looked at his emails then I left him for 5 months. Now I’m back but nothing has changed, he mentally abuses me and I sold my house car and left my job after the baby. He controls everything. And his mother controls him. They took him out of their will, and basically are mean to me. Hence why I refuse to see them unless they appologise now.
          This is a very short version. Is there anyway I can email directly? Or is it just through here?

          Kind regards Rose

  3. Gabrielle

    It still is a hard battle for my husband and I. But I am glad he’s totally with me on this one. He agreed that his mom will never stay with us ever again. It all started when she stayed with us….
    At first he didn’t see how badly she treated him/us. He thought I was just being picky and paranoid. And that she’s just a lonely innocent sad old parent.
    Then I allowed him to give her his all.. His attention.. His time… Everything..
    One day he told me that whatever he does was never enough. She still complained he’s not spending enough time with her. Mind you he spent at least 6-7 hours with her, 9 hours at work, 5 hours sleep. None whatsoever for my children and myself.
    She started became abusive verbally and physically towards him in front of our children.
    I ran away from home. He came after me. She got pissed and the rest is history. She’s now living at her own place, waiting for him to entertain her everyday. Scream at him in her own house. It was liberating for me as we don’t have to witness it anymore. My husband learn to walk away when she started her screams, we had to show her nobody is going to entertain her tantrums. It worked … She learn to behave if she wants to stay over my place sometimes.
    She still tried playing the guilt game with him. That she’s lonely and she has changed and that she wants to move back in. But we all know its a lie.. Just another drama from a real drama queen.
    Once your husband stops feeling guilty over things, he will be able to see things clearly.

  4. Darlene

    I finally called her out on the BS she was sending my husband via text. He was pissed at her, which of course sent her off the rails. Telling him: he’s not her son and how dare he. Long story short, I sent her a very long text asking her how she could say something like that to her own son?! I pointed out a lot of other things she said that were unjust to say to someone you claim to care about so much. I haven’t heard from her since. I read the texts to me husband, so he knows everything that was said. He knows what I told her is the truth, that his mother shouldn’t act they way. I can tell it is hard for him though because of whatever guilt plagues him. She still texts him, trying to pry out of him what he’s doing, what I’m doing, and so forth. Thankfully he doesn’t respond to the questions, just sends back an I love you. I can live with that. So my advice, put her in her place. Let her know you won’t put up with her BS like everyone else. That now is your time, not hers!

  5. Steve

    Hi everyone,

    I thought it could be nice to get a guys perspective on this topic. Sadly my narcisstic mother destroyed my relationship of 4 years, it was a constant battle for me, I’d endured a lot of guilt from my mother who never really took my relationship seriously, and I spent the whole time juggling both my girlfriend and mothers needs. My girlfriend was too polite and never made me feel bad about it. The cruelest part was I felt so emotionally drained I broke up with my girlfriend and moved back to my hometown, I got therapy and discovered what it was all about. By this stage it was too late, my girlfriend didn’t want me anymore, and to my mother, it didn’t really matter, I think she was happy to have her gone. I can’t forgive myself for what I did, and I have so much anger towards my mother for betraying me like that. I wish I could go back and fix things but I can’t, but it really broke the spell for me. I just vow to never forget this lesson, and I’ll treat my next girlfriend with the love she deserves. Its so tough when you’ve been brought up to put your mothers needs ahead of your relationship, I just hope the shame goes away at some point. Please learn my lesson, and don’t make the same mistake.

    • Sadly, it is usually therapy that helps us realize the frustrations of dealing with a narcissistic parent. My husband and I went to therapy (as a couple) to deal with his mother’s cruel ways. Although I tried to tell him for years what was going on, because he was brought up in that way of being, it was hard for him to see it for what it was. Therapy helped him process it but sadly, we have gone No Contact with her. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it’s the only way to maintain our sanity.

      • Mary

        How do I get my husband to realize his mother is this way? I think he does because when he starts to stand up to her for me she fakes a mini stroke…and they can’t prove she is faking because she had a major stoke five years ago.

    • kaliegh

      Just curious, Having a mans perspective on this is truly helpful, I wish my husband would wake up and see for himself what his mother is doing to us, and what hes allowing her to do, any advice on how to wake him up and let him see whats really happening here. I feel lost and exhausted emotionally I fear I will reach my braking point and walk away if he dosnt wake up… I know in my heart if that happens he will live a life of regret and I fear by the time he relizes this it will be to late

      • L.L.

        point out what she does wrong as an innocent victim, proving she is an evil trouble maker. make claims she is a fraud and fake and has numerous different personalities and she is nice only when around her son. covertly record her bad behavior. find other family members who can vouch for her behavior (possibly others that are married to his siblings or relatives that have been brutalized).
        chances are with all this he will still not believe you or blame you somehow. she is a saint in his mind.
        i would say threaten to leave him unless he wakes up and gets in reality, then kicks mommy to the curb. if he will not react to that, he is always going to married to mommy.

        • KDM

          I recorded many times, showed concrete examples, yet EXhusband instead of fessing up to what is happening, he got upset that I did what I did to prove it. He always turned it around on ME never admitting his mom is wrong.
          The marriage will never work, IF he does not see what is going on, or if he does not want to change what is going on with his mom!

  6. Kea

    As I read this article I realize that I am not alone in this. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and every fight that we had, it was about his mother. She and her husband moved with us “to help us with our kids”, but they made it look like it was a family or traditional law. I come from a mediterrenean country and you should “obey” to your husband’s wishes. This was last century but you still find some people to still demand this. She has been treating me like the enemy from day one. She find moments to remind me that I was never fit for her supersmart and superhandsome son. According to her, I do not know how to do my housechores, I do not know how to cook, I do not know how to raise my children and that for every decission in our life, we should consult with them, and only if they agree, then we can go ahead and do it! We had to fight because she wanted to name my first born after her, and we did afterwards! But when my son was born, we had another fight because she wanted to name him after her husband! When I resisted, she screamed and yelled to my husband to kick me out of the house so “she can wander like a stray dog in the streets of America”…The fight is still on, but I am getting so tired to compete for the love of a man with this woman. Financially I can’t afford to move out, but I don’t mind to stay in a barn, just to find my inner peace. 20 years is insanity!!!! But I have three children and their wellbeing and future has made me sacrifice all these years! What solution do I have?!!!

    • Every mil has her day. They can,t live forever.

      • Dhushy

        I hope mine doesn’t live longer. I am sorry to say this but she has ruined my marriage. My two young kids are in the middle of this. She allways complains of not able to see my kids eventhough she is at my place each month finding some excuse to show up. My husband wants me say ok for her live with us. I told him no. Told him I am the co-owner of our house and he cannot bring her here to live us and if he do, I will remove her from the house legally. I do want live peacefully in my house, if I cannot live peaceful there, where I am going to be? Some times if there is a power cut in her residential area she will ask my husband to take her to our place and stay here longer than expected. Now If there is windstorm or power failure I pray her area has no power failure. It’s upto a point I cannot live peaceful in my own house. My Mother in law has 5 kids including my husband but none of them wants her to live them. His other sibilings think he should my husband should take care of their mom. His eldest sister who lives in another country continously telling him to move my mother in law with us. My husband hits me all the time and mostly on my head. One day he hit me hard and my nose stated bleeding. I want him to leave me and my kids. I don’t want leave my house. I worked hard to buy this house and the down payment on the house was only my money. Now I cannot even live their peacefully. Can he move his mom in our house without my aproval?

        • L.L.

          in the usa the property is jointly owned by both the man and wife. the house is 1/2 yours and 1/2 his. if you split the house will be sold and he can take his share and you take your share. you can buy your own house and he and his evil mother can live together. she will live long, evil people always do.

  7. Dianne

    If only this article appeared 25 years ago, I would have put it under my ex’s nose.
    I was my ex’s second marriage. Had I known or spoken to the first wife, I would have run like hell. As it turned out his mother used the same tactics on my marriage as she did on the first. It worked so well the first time and she had him so conditioned, why wouldn’t it?

    The she-devil would call each and every morning so hers was the first voice he heard and did the same at 10:30 at night. Yes, she had a husband. But, their marriage was a train wreak and was long before I ever came along.

    The two of them would go out to dinner together every night ( I always wondered why he was never hungry to eat the dinner I prepared), went to the movies, theater, concerts, events together ( he would call them business meetings)would go on vacations together ( more business meetings)and would disrupt any plans we made together. Of course she couldn’t do this without his consent. Imposed Guilt and hatred/jealousy of me was the main issue here.

    Her telephone calls to me were sick and abusive. “I was here before you!” was her favorite line. Unfortunately, again, he agreed with her.

    When I got pregnant,she insisted that it was ” her daughter” NOT mine and plotted and planned to have my ex leave me and bring the child to her. She even had a bedroom done in her house for my child and my husband. As the child got older, she would call her and tell her that if she went to live with her, she would be a “princess in a castle” and have anything her heart desired. Of course, Mommy couldn’t come. Just her and Daddy.

    The final straw came when she called one night and insisted he get out of bed, go to the store to buy her a bottle of bubble bath and bring it to her. She lived 30 miles away. Without skipping a beat, he got up and did what he was told. But, it got better. When he came home, in the early morning hours, he told me he got the soap, ran her bath, lit candles in the bathroom and stayed with her as she bathed playing guitar and singing to her. I would have to assume there was nudity involved. He told me this as if it was the most normal thing in the world. This was going on for a long time.

    My stomach turned into a knot. I was shocked. But, I finally had the truth.

    Marriage counseling didn’t work because she involved herself in that too. He would have to report to her what the session was about so she could tell him what to REALLY think.

    Enough. I left and took my child with me. Unfortunately, my only child showed all signs of being sociopath/narcissist as she reached about 17 years old. The lying, manipulating, stealing, conning, lack of empathy, sympathy and smear campaigns became more and more evident.

    So… my life has consisted of being stuck between being the scapegoat of a socopathic mother, a sociopathic MIL AND and sociopathic daughter. Me? I’m dealing with PTSD from a life of being exposed to them.

    • Empathy not Sympathy

      I’m so sorry, Dianne.

      • My heart goes out to you Dianne. My MONSTER in law looks like she is dying at 97yrs old. For 33yrs I have tolerated this evil cruel monster.My husband never left his parents and his father (now dead)jumped every time the witch spoke. She has taken delight at our marital problems(she is the cause) .When her husband died our marriage was totally over. I have gone through chemo etc . my husband only has empathy for her. Our child is autistic and beautiful but ofcourse it must be from my family.I have NEVER hated anyone like I do her. I watched my husband with her tonight and their relationship looked like lovers. I felt the need of an anti-emetic. Her death is not far away but there has been to much damage to me from him. Even if he survives her demise for me it really is over. I must put my child first .If I had not given up my nursing career to be our daughters carer I would have had money and the courage to leave a long time ago. There were no red flags at the beginning of the relationship. I am so thankful for this web-site and the honesty of other wives/girlfriends.

        • Not alone

          Fromt he looks of it they might outlive us.

        • stacey allam

          My mil is just as bad for 25 years i have endured years of her sayi g things to me like in lucky my husband did not leave me when i had my au t istic daughtdr and that when my son as tole 6000 dollars from me her resonse was th A t i list him like i did her my husband has a genetic disorder i was never told about my son has it too possibly my daughter now my sil has had a stroke and mil is crying for my husand to visit at least 5 times a year we live in another state and are poor without a car she has never helped us in any way my husband and i both have had cancer i would leave him but i have no money and would be unhappy if i left him his life would be ruined she would like nothing better than to have him move thete he tells me hes worried about her

        • Pam

          Margaret,
          You said, “I watched my husband with her tonight and their relationship looked like lovers”…My gosh, when I read that line I got chills because although I have never witnessed anything sexual and do not believe there is any physicality between my MIL and husband; it does FEEL like they are emotionally enmeshed. Emotional incest would be an appropriate description. At times, I have felt like who are you married to? her or me? WTF? But if I ever told any of my friends that he’s spending too much time with his elderly mother, I’d look like some jealous freak. They’d never get it. She’s sooooo manipulative. She literally does this learned helpless thing where she acts like there’s a kitten stuck up in a tree and she plum doesnt’ know what ever to do and he has to rush over to help. Last week she called him over something stupid like a light blinking on the washer machine asked if he would come over to check it out. The woman is college educated!! she could unplug it and re-plug it in, you know do a bit of trouble shooting. Why can’t he see this is just to get him over there!!! She is a total attention whore. But he can’t see that it’s a total ploy!! But that’s what’s worse….it doesn’t aggravate him!!! he’s all too happy to run over her house every 5 minutes to “help” her. She doesn’t drive either so he’s always taking her grocery shopping and then the next day phoning because she “forgot” an item. But he cannot say no to her. For reasons I will never understand!!! I can tell my own mom that “I will have to wait a couple days til the next trip to the store mom, we just went.” But no, not him he goes right back over there and takes her right back and then there’s another 2 hour trip to God knows where. Because once he gets there for the washing machine, or the light bulb replacement, she ensnares him into some long errand list and he is hostage to who knows what. Then she gives him gas money and spending money too???!!!Like he is 15 years old how crazy is that? Someone just take a glock in my mouth and pull the trigger already. I’ve actually God forgive me, hoped maybe she will just get sick and pass soon-ish just so she would get out of our lives; because I know deep down, he will never cut her out of our life. But seems like these MIL’s don’t ever die. They live long enough to make wives and girlfriends lives miserable. I wish I understood what they want from their sons? are they secretly attracted to them? what’s up with this? I don’t get it? and why don’t their sons see how horrible and controlling they are? why don’t the sons get aggravated and angry with them? Someone help educate me!!! My husband has NO problem getting angry with me for even the slightest infraction but his mom can lie, manipulate, hurt my feelings, his feelings and he just smoothes it all over and never calls her on the carpet? what gives? Thanks in advance. for answering my questions

          • L.L.

            yes they use money to get the attention. the thing is it will eventually it everyday all day long and she will give him 30 bucks. when he is doing the job of 50 dollar and hour caregiver. she saves a few hundred a day and your husband gets used and emotionally abused for hardly the amount of a teenage babysitter for 2 hours. THIS IS CONDITIONING AND TRAINING FOR WHAT THE EVIL ONE WILL BE EXPECTING DOWN THE ROAD. you might remind the mil that nursing homes cost 8000 a month with in home care about half that amount and she should save her money for that service instead of throwing your husband tiny peanuts for his time. make sure she knows your fully aware of what she is doing and what she is planning and that she knows what your planning (a nursing home for her care). also make references that her mental capacities are in question by the way she treats her son and she may need some serious mental intervention to get those tendencies exposes analyzed and fixed. i find turning the tables and making the narc under you thumb works. they need to be terrified and worried to keep their evil inside themselves.

  8. Gozzey

    Thought I was the only one going through this kind of messy situation until I came here.
    It is only narcissism that describes Mil well.
    My hubby is her favourite son (cos others don’t really bother about her since she left them when they were small)
    During courtship, hubby usually talked well about her (Didn’t know he was actually hiding the woman’s bad attitude)
    We finally got married and I started noticing that she wouldn’t let my hubby be. She often uses emotional blackmail on him (like feigning critically ill just to ensure he goes to see her)
    When I got pregnant, she called just two times and that was all. I had baby through c-section and she managed to call once. Then five weeks later, I complained to hubby and she now called like 3 other times. She never bothered to come and see baby (since we are living in the same State).
    3months post delivery, the brother of Mil gave my hubby a distress call that Mil is critically ill and can’t talk, was about giving up the ghost, hubby rushed home and brought her. She spent just five days and reported me to my hubby saying all manner of things. Hubby called and was calling me names cos of mil. I was so angry that I confronted mil and had a row with her. She finally left that day. Though sometimes I feel bad confronting her but I think I did the best thing I could do. At least I was able to set a boundary for the future with her.

    • Elizabeth

      I am with the favorite Son, if she is mad at him she take’s it out on me. She won’t be too mean to him, as that is the hand that gives the $$$. We have a home, children and life and she always say’s to us both do not get married because her’s ended in DIVORCE. Favorite son is supposed to give her money when ever she need’s it because we work more then one job and she can not afford bill’s and a good Christmas for her Grandchildren… DO NOT FEEL bad for confronting her. I wish 4 year’s ago we had set boundaries with her.
      I did not realize she was a Narcissistic in the 1st year. Thought she was mean, did not like I was dating her son, I felt kind of crazy, because she acted so weird and nasty, and I had never seen a mother jealous of her Son… You did the best thing, from what I have been going through and through with her, I have lost money, sleep and sanity.

      • margie

        did somebody say critically ill? i totally connect with this. i’m so glad i found this forum. so much honesty here. i have been married for 2 years and i am on the brink of moving out cos i am just so tired of my mil manipulating my husband. she initially started by pretending to be so friendly,calling everyday.sometimes,calling me at 6am.i tolerated all that. i didnt know she was callin my husband to tell him how cruel i was.how nasty i am to her and to her daughters. it all came as a shock to me. she calls him everyday.sometimes 2 or 3 times a day and they communicate in their native language which i dont understand.anytime we have some problems as all couples do,he calls her and tells her everything. we have been trying for a baby which hasnt been easy bcos i have endometriosis and work in a different state. he has also told his mother that.every visit i make to the doctors,he tells his mother,i have confronted him on this and he sees absolutely nothing wrong with that. recently,she called me and asked that i bring all the wedding gifts i got to store in her house. every time we try to settle our issues(hubby n me dat is),she calls him to reinforce her stand and hubby becomes very unfriendly to me. i have reached my breaking point. i am so sick of this marriage. everything is under a monster’s xray. oh lest i forget,she had kidney stones removed many years ago,keeps feigning symptoms. takes herself to a hospital where the doctor is her close friend,gets admitted and drains my husband’s resources. and nothing gets found as the problem. this is ,ike clockwork and happens anytime we try to work on our issues. please,i need help. i love my husband but i fear even that is slipping away bcos of how he nevr seees that his mother is destroying our marriage. i am thinking of lezving him.

  9. My mother as I child only loved, when the house, grades, and my affection towards her was total perfection. Anything I did wrong would result in abusive behavior’s. I left home at 19, and never went back. 10 year’s later I am introduced to my boyfriend’s mother, and in 3 year’s I realize I am standing right before my own mother, only it’s another women’s eyes I am looking into.
    This women belittles and abuses everyone. Everything is about her, and her life, her problems, her troubles. I walked away from my mom as Teen, theses people, her Children never left her and they allow her to abuse them. I have talked to them and they agree she is sick and evil but they won’t leave her. They can’t talk to her, cause she starts crying everyone is mean, it’s like watching a baby throw a fit. Everyone around her has a life, work, job, things to do. That means nothing to her. She has taken over 3,000 LOL was supposed to borrow, and pay it back, TWO years ago. I was madly in love with her son and our life. I am losing respect for the man I love, and I know she is the reason I want a divorce. And I am afraid if I do leave him, what would she do to our Children? The grown adults do not stand up to her when she hit’s them, how can I believe they will stand up for our Children. She wanted me to leave him when we First started dating. I am at painful cross road.

  10. shesays

    My bf’s mother told me the first time I met her and in front of him that she never liked any of his past gf’s. How Rude! Then, after hearing me talk about my own alcoholic mother and how I have had to create a healthy distance in order to flourish in my life, she made a comment a few hours later that anyone who has issues with their mother is not a good person. Um….awkward silence in the car followed. I said, well that’s not always true, I mean did she not remember what I said about my mother? That hurt, and made me wonder what she was saying to him when I wasn’t around. I am a loving good person, she has no right to pass judgement. The biggest issue I had with her was how she would put her failing business and financial burdens on him. He would be pulling out his hair stressing about her money problems, but when I went to visis she has bought apple trees, new patio furniture and a very expensive set of dishes that she only used for the Christmas. He was completely blind to the fact that she had a spending problem and that was the reason she was in debt. Arrrggghh. She always acted like I was her friend later on, but after him and I broke up she never contacted me again. It hurt, I have to say. He turns 50 this year and has never been married, we were close to it, but he chickened out, hmm I wonder why. She will never support him marrying because that means less $$$ and attention for her. So sad. She’s a complete selfish and rude b6tch.

  11. BJ

    WOW..I sometimes don’t know what to think because with anger one can think anything. I really thought I was the only one going through this before I found this website. But what got me here was the anger and the hurt that I have of feeling like second plate to my partner. I know a little of what everyone here is going through. One of the differences is that my MIL does not have a husband. But it gets so bad that I could be talking to him and he leaves me hanging talking to myself because his mother calls him to talk to him about her dog!!!? Yes! She calls him every morning and all day! He also works with her which I don’t mind but what does get me mad is that when he calls me to check in with me and the kids, I hear her in the background telling him to hang up the phone. I mean, I have tried to tell him but usually his response is that he was always the favorite one. Not to mention she has helped us in a couple of things, but sometimes I feel like she gets in our relationship because she feels that I owe her. He did tell me that its because to some point she feels that she can do a better job than me! ??? I sometimes feel like shes going to end up breaking us up, which even his dad told him. That he doesn’t see us together in the future. I just don’t know what to do anymore because every time I try to tell him he does’t want to talk about it and covers her on everything. His favorite one is..” Just like my brother’s my biggest fan, you’re my moms biggest fan”. She also those things like, One day he was with her and I was talking to him on the phone and she started saying…”Oh, you need to meet my girlfriends you’ll get along with them” and I hear him laughing. Then he ends up telling me that she told him to watch her make me mad, because she knew that I’m very jealous! I told him that was very immature of her part. But again he covers her by saying, “Oh, she just did it to make you mad but you keep falling for it, and she’s just old. She is NOT that old, nor she looks it. Now,she calls him for everything, 24/7. Some times I wake up hearing him at 7am talking to him about the dog. She even wanted him to stay babysitting the dog for a couple of days at her house because the dog got hurt. He also tells her everything, I mean everything that happens, everything we do, every where we go, there is nothing he doesn’t tell her. I say to myself same thing just another day. I don’t know what to say anymore for him to detach his umbilical cord from her at least a little and make her understand that I’m first and she’s second.????

  12. pavarotti

    ladies read it all.. and would like to share my story. Married for many many years. Live far away form MIL and yet.. there is no family as such.

    Husband is totally in love with his mom. if he buy flowers – they are for her; if he is deciding to change his job – he asks her (even though it is me to uproot my family) if any home decision – what she thinks is paramount for him. i mean.. i lived with it for nearly 30 years. I undergone a surgery a little while ago, she somehow instilled the idea that there is no need for it, so he questions my need for it. how is that possible? i tear my hair as there no place for me to go. that is what bible say..you leave your family and cleave to your spouse…. my reality is so different. i feel that she would be orchestrating every part of my life. abuse and remarks i get from her all done with in a soft voice. but guys that lady has enough poison for a snake colony. what do i do…

    • Dianne

      I’m so, so sorry. From my experience, there’s nothing you can do except save your own sanity and respectability. His mother has programed him from birth and you weren’t. So, what are the choices?
      My outlook was: I wasn’t put on this earth to put up with this and looking back on his family’s pathology, this was the norm for ALL the woman – mother to daughter and son. I left and I assure you, they didn’t win. They were merely left to carry on the insanity without me.
      Now, I have to deal with the fact that my only child is just like them. Heartbreaking? Beyond a doubt! But, somewhere on this planet there is a place of peace – and it’s mine to find.
      Please find yours <3

  13. Jennifer

    Well, well, well. It appears I’m not alone or crazy! Lol
    My marriage was poisoned not only by the narcissistic/co-dependent, “queen-bee” MIL but also his sister who was also narcissistic and mentally unstable.
    After a 16 year marriage, not only did the manipulation, mobbing mentality and incessant interfering finally end my marriage, but it took going through the divorce (triggered by him threatening suicide via shotgun)to realize his mental and emotional states were just and narcissistic and codependent as those displayed by his mother and sister.
    There was no way I was going to win…
    Now when my children are not with me, they spend time with all three of them and are unprotected from the nonsensical and often inappropriate chatter of those in that “love triangle”.

  14. Shelley

    This article is very well written. The book that saved my marriage and my sanity is “Toxic Inlaws” by Susan Forward. I read this book. Then after dealing with my own wounds and accepting that I wasn’t willing to be treated poorly by my inlaws I pretty much told my husband he read it and agree to work on our marriage or I was gone. It was a tough battle. But I will say three years in and it made the difference. We even read it together and also bought “Toxic Parents” which allowed him and myself to work on our own emotional issues from childhood. Long story short after attempting multiple times to make amends with his parents (my inlaws) and their unwillingness to respect us and our boundaries we have zero contact with them. But that is ultimately their choice. They of course still lie, spread gossip and whatever they can to grasp at straws but we are happier than ever and my husband has told me now that he can’t believe he lived for so many years being used and taken advantage of. He said he knows what freedom is now and thanked me for giving him the support to be his own person.

    • Kenzie

      Hello Shelley.
      My husband and I were reading your comment and it spoke to us more than the rest because it is the most like our story. We were curious if you could or would want to contact us with some info about where you all are at now with this situation. Did you continue to co-exist in the same town or move to mmake it a bit easier.

      • Michelle

        Hi I am having a hard time with my husband and MIL of 3 years. We have a 2 year old kid and as soon as I gave birth she has been very controlling and verbally abusive. My husband is an only child and his mom was widowed since my husband was 5. Now w are both 31 yrs old and there is so much opportunities ahead for our family but my MIL wouldnt let my husband live his own life. He depends on her for everything. Our house rent, food, babys needs like diaper or milk are all from his mom even if he works for their family business. She brags about this to everyone whether it is family or friends and when she throws a tantrum she starts countin how much she spends on us. I told my husband he must get a separate job so his mom will not interfere and make us feel guilty but his mom gives him comfort so she is his comfort zone something like why work hard when your mom can give you money. I am a professional and I wanted to go overseas to start building our familys future and to be away from his mom who hates and cannot accept me as her DIL. I got the job offer but my husband seems torn in leaving his mom. he says he feels sad cos she will be alone and that he is comfortable where we are. But there were times when he is mad at her he would say something like lets just live far away from her he even encouraged me to find a job abroad and now that i got it he shows signs of not wanting to really leave his mom. by the way his mom is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to him but now more to ME!!! and sometimes when she throws tantrums and screams about little things she can almost physicall hurt me especially in the kitchen when she is holding a knife. Once she closed the cabinet cos she was angry and didnt realize my hand was there and it hurt my fingers!!! my husband did nothing and she even said after a week of me not speaking to her that i must apologize. my husband can only say that i must apologize because i was wrong for leaving the her house when my hand got squiahed on the cabinet hinge. It was my fault??? My husband can only say “what can i do she is my mom?” I do not feel any love for him anymore as years pass by and as situations like this arise cos of his mom. i feel i have done my best and even came back for him with our child for a second chance to save our marriage but i cannot do this anymore.i wanna get out of here and just start my life with that overseas job but my MIL threatens me that my child and his son will stay and live with her while i go overseas for my career. I am going to work abroad for my child and my future because i dnt see my husband wnting to do that for us. my husband is also brainwashed and would sometimes say that we must divorce but he will get our child. NO WAAAAAY!

  15. Joanna

    I swear that my MIL & a few of yours were cut from the same cloth! However, my MIL is just a tool for the underlying problem, My DH’s step-dad! I have been with my DH for 14 years, I already had 2 kids when we met. His Stepdad did not like me from day 1, he tried everything in his power to get my DH to leave me. Then my DH & I had 2 children back to back, His parents flipped out! How could my DH afford kids & his parents too? There have been many times my DH is guilted into giving his parents our bill & grocery money! When the step-dad cant get $ from my hubs, that evil man sends my MIL. Its a big pity-party guilt trip with those ppl! The step-dad always uses his “Illness” to get pity from ppl. My MIL will set back & watch her husband lie to ppl to milk them for money & never say a word! So in my mind, she is just as guilty as her husband! I had to separate finances with my DH, he has his & I have mine & it infuriates his parents! Since I have stopped his parents from getting to my money, my bills are paid & I am getting nice things for the kids & family & saving Money!!!. Although, my DH talks to his Mom everyday & still hands them money he can’t afford to give, I have minimal contact with them. The last time I seen them (New Year’s Eve) my FIL started questioning MY kids about how much money they had in their bank accounts. With In 3 days, my MIL was calling me to ask for money!! I told her NO, & then asked her why she always needs money… Their house is paid off, their car is paid off & they both get free medical & draw hefty checks! She hasnt bothered to speak to me since. I wont give up on my marriage, I am just practicing damage control with his parents. I stand my ground with them & thats why they dont like me.

  16. emmy

    These stories of mil’s are so like mine.

    From day one of meeting her I knew for some unknown reason she did not like me one little bit.
    I don’t know where to start. When we go to visit she will sit and look me up and down, most times I often want to ask her if there is a problem but I just bite my tongue and think may even she doesn’t realise she is doing this.
    She disagrees with absolutely everything I say from parenting to types of music, I’ve learnt over time to bite my tongue and smile.
    She wants my dh to run her here there and everywhere and expects him to jump when she shouts.
    She has now stamped her feet and got a place at an event which my dh is attending which means I’m no longer able to go as it is a max of 2 people.
    But the thing that really irritates me is the fact my dh can not see what she is like.
    She expects to me the top of the list and if not she makes him feel guilty until she is back at the top.
    I feel as though I can’t say anything to him, because if I do its me that’s being picky and she isn’t being like that.
    I’m at a loss now as I think I can’t deal with this anymore if i say something I’m wrong and if I don’t I feel like my head is going to corrupt!
    I think is annoys me more as my parents don’t do this they do nothing but sing my dh’s praises!

  17. Jodi

    Well it is 2am and I can’t sleep yet again since we had yet another fight about who else but his mother. This article was really interesting to read especially because my husband (who goes to therapy) has been told he has narcissistic qualities and since I like to read about this kind of stuff, I had read a book on the topic and of course it says that often someone will become a narcissist because their parent was. When I mentioned it to him, he automatically assumed it was his father, but oh no, I knew exactly who it was. But surprise, he refused to hear that.
    Now my background…we have been together over 8 years but only got married about 8 months ago. Prior to our engagement, my contact with his family was pretty limited, he was always close and spoke to them often but his parents never made any effort to ever come to us and since both my husband and I work full time, we really didn’t see them very often since it was always up to us to go to them. His father was always friendly and excited to see me but his mother was always standoffish and just had an abrasive nature to her personality that was very off putting to me. When I would make comments about it, he would always get defensive and blame it on where she grew up, that she lost her father, etc. Could never just call it what it was, RUDE. Fast forward to our wedding planning, and that’s when I should have known it would only get worse. His parents spend half the year in Florida since they’re retired and she told me I wasn’t allowed to have the wedding or my shower during the time they would normally be in Florida. My husband actually works in the wedding business too which means he works weekends a lot so his schedule is far more jam packed than mine and especially theirs, however, god forbid I book something convenient for us and force her to leave Florida for a weekend? In any case, we ended up (after about 15 months of being engaged) finally settling on a summer wedding that worked for us. We literally had looked at tons of venues in the process and struggled to find something we liked at the price that worked. We finally had our venue and our date and one day (when his parents finally returned from Florida) they went on their own to go see the venue. My husband and I at the time were visiting my grandmother who had just moved into a nursing home when he got a call. His mom was in hysterics about how much she hated the place and was so upset she wouldn’t eat her lunch in the restaurant there and on and on. He tried to downplay it on the phone but I knew what was going on. When I confronted him about it, his response was, well she is entitled to an opinion. Look, I have been in therapy more than half myself and though definitely emotional consider myself able to use logic often too and yes, everyone can have an opinion, but sometimes you need to learn to keep it to yourself for someone else’s sake and that is just not her. Anyway, somehow we moved on and our wedding happened…
    Now for the real game changer…the weekend started off great but the bridal party was totally running late with hair and makeup (i like to think because he insisted my guy do his mom even though she redid it all herself anyway) and we were late starting pictures. It was a hot July day in the sun and I did pictures for about an hour but was starting to get lightheaded and when his parents (who had been lingering with the rest of the family she invited against my wishes waiting for their pictures) actually disappeared and were nowhere to be found, I said I needed a break and went back inside to refresh before the ceremony promising to do pictures afterwards. We go into the ceremony and its great and then back to sign the license and the photographer comes to get us for more pictures. She dismisses it and says she’s not feeling well and doesn’t want to do it and goes off. About 3/4 of the way through cocktail hour, we see an EMT arrive and turns out, guess who, wasn’t feeling well? Supposedly she had been “throwing up” in the bathroom. The EMT clears her and finds nothing wrong but just tells her to hydrate and then me, my husband and my father redo the rest of the reception timeline so that his mom has time to “recover” and join and enjoy. Well she never does…she sits outside for about the first hour as her family members and friends all take turns checking on her and then ultimately decides she needs to go to the hospital. My husband’s brother, his best man, takes him, and they’re gone for the night and my husband is left hurt but forced to go on and try to keep it together for me as he says even though all he wanted was his mom there. Sorry for the length but the story gets better. Two days later when she’s out of the hospital (they found nothing wrong physically) she then calls us and starts telling him that my mother made her feel unwelcome and then repeats the conversation to me. I should have cut her off then but was trying to connect with her over my own past struggles with my mother and let her talk, not realizing it would only be used against me. Not only did she make this complaint to me, but she also made it to her older brother who was there. My husband happened to call him that day and he made some comments about my mom that then got my husband fired up. My husband then called my mother and screamed and threatened and said every obscenity under the sun because “she put his mom in the hospital”. I then spent the first three days of our marriage on a couch at my brother’s apartment as a result.
    Fast forward now 8 months later and we are still fighting about the same thing over and over again, his mother. He ultimately made peace with my parents and I saw his a few months after the dust settled and then spent a few days over the holidays with them. But we or rather I cannot move on and I don’t know why. I just do not like his mother and he will not accept that. I will always be polite and respectful but have zero interest in being friends with her. In the 8 years we’ve been together, she just 3 months ago asked what I do for a living. She doesn’t care about me or even my husband, only herself and as much as he thinks I’m in competition with her, she is with me. I don’t want to feel like I have to compete with her but when I continually feel like he prioritizes her feelings over mine. In fact, on a last note, since she missed most of our wedding, they never had a mother son dance so he’s been saying since that that he wanted to have a party so he could dance with his mom. It didn’t happen after the wedding for obvious reasons and now he wants to do it a day or two before our one year anniversary and does not understand why that upsets me. I already feel like she stole my wedding from me, that day will forever have bittersweet memories, and now my anniversary? He’s also told me that he will not have children with me until I love his mom. I think I know what the response to all of this will be but always like to hear thoughts…

    • just talking

      ma’am it’s time for you to leave. leave while you do not have any children. he either submits to counseling or else.

      • Please run like never before. Take it from someone who has tolerated almost 34yrs . They never change. JUST RUN

      • Cindy

        I know how u all feel my fiance and i are living together his mother bought him a car and she uses it to manipulate him all the time its like he’s her personal cheuffer and when he doesnt do wat she wants all d time she quarrels with him and he lets her. I think she pretends to like me also or maybe she blames me when he turns her down at times…i am so fedup i never knew my fiance was such a lil boy that he allows his mother to talk to him like that and honestly i think its only going to get worst and im getting second thoughts about marrying him

    • Amber W.

      You need to get the f*** out of that situation girl. I’m in a similar situation with a controlling b**** for a MIL, year 13 and 4 kids later. Get out now!!!!

    • KDM

      similar stories on this site with mine. My MIL threw up in the limo to the reception hall. She had become disabled slightly before wedding. She had her aid bring 3 big bags full of plastic containers to “take” most of the pastries from the beautiful dessert table!!! I can go on and on. She manipulates and after 10 years I threw in the towel. When mommy comes first, it is a sick and dysfunctional enmeshment. They will not change, if they haven’t all these years. It was a waste

  18. Deeply Wounded Couple

    This website really hit the hammer on the nail. When this first happened there was no real Internet to freely research this topic, we are so glad of this website & others that helped us not feel so alone. After 26 years, we now have placed the zero tolerance boundaries (cutting of all ties) with the NMIL. We are tired & exhausted from the pain & scars of 26 years. My husband asked me to go ahead & place this letter on this website in he hopes this will help others, a letter he wrote to a few close relatives.

    ——————————————
    Dear Xxxx

    This is a very difficult letter to write and a difficult letter for you to read. Please read this email and attached letters in its entirety, so you can understand my decision to cut off all ties with my Mother forever.

    My first marriage to my wife was a total disaster from the beginning. I loved her so much, yet felt hate & animosity towards her. At that time, I did not understand why. Back then my mother would call 3 to 4 times per day usually at midnight and early mornings. My Mother would want to discuss issues she was having with my Dad and then would change the conversation to how things were going in my relationship. She would end the conversation with do not tell your wife what we discussed…basically telling me to keep secrets from my wife. Naturally, with the many phone calls my mother made, my wife would ask what did your Mother have to say and I would tell her none of her business. I now realize I made my wife suffer so much because I would never tell her what my mother & I discussed or anything that was going on behind the scenes. I kept secrets from her and said bad things about her to others. During the divorce I treated her in the cruelest way. In the legal paperwork I said so many bad things about her but did not relate the awful things I did to her or the secret thing my mother did. I did not give her any assets including what belonged to her before I met her and also asked her to sign a quick claim to relinquish our condo to me. A lot of these suggestions came from my mother. Guess what, my wife never fought for even a penny and she did not even get an attorney. She signed all paperwork and gave everything to me. When I was divorced from my wife, I knew I missed her and was still so much in love with her, but confused. When I started to date her again, a letter came in 1995 from my mother that was all about my wife, it was negative things about her. My mother sent me a similar letter in 1990, a few days before we were married the first time. The letters put me in a state of confusion, anger, and gave me doubts. I did not show the first letter to my wife because I destroyed it. The second letter dated 1995, my wife found out about 4 months later in 1996, when she overheard me arguing with my mother over the phone about these letters. I showed the second letter to her & told her about the first one. We took the letter to a psychiatrist; she told us “loving families do not write HATE LETTERS like this”. She also said that I should have been protecting my wife. I should have kept my wife in the castle with me and not put her on the outside of the castle walls allowing arrows to be aimed at her by my mother. Driving home, the statement psychiatrist said, “loving families do not write hate letters like this” really hit me hard. It upset me very much because now I knew the intent of the letters was the destruction of my marriage so that Mother could basically have me to herself. Also in the second letter it ask me to show the letter to my wife. The intent was to scare my wife away from me, again another mind game. This is when I understood that my mother has been planting seeds of hate for my wife & others (i.e. my father) for a very long time. She has done it through conversations, letters, and now a day’s emails. Any knowledge Mother had of my wife’s actions, she build on it to make it bad or hateful. I know my mother is the MASTERMIND OF DESTRUCTION OF ANY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE. She instills so much hatred in me for my wife. She tries to control and manipulate my mind. This is the reason why my wife stays away because of all the things that my Mother has done to her and our relationship. As you read on the email below the SCARS my mother inflicted on us is very deep and they last a lifetime. What my mother did to us in our first marriage is unforgivable. Before our second marriage she tried to do it again. That’s why I stopped communicating. After Dad’s death Mother lashed out and blamed my wife for me not returning home right away. It was my decision not to rush home based on Dad’s condition and other reasons I do not wish to discuss at this time. My wife suggested to me several times to book an earlier flight home to see my dad even though he was in a coma. Mother angrily said that she had tried to have a relationship with my wife and now she didn’t want to bother anymore. She also said that my wife kept me away from her for 15 Years. First of all, why the hell would anyone want to have a relationship with Mother after the destruction she created? My wife has not been present in front of any members of my family since she saw the hate letter from my mother and realized that my mother was the mastermind of all hate. The only thing my wife has done was to encourage me to take my parents to nice places for dinner & give & help choose gifts for them. She has even asked me not to tell them she helped in giving them these act of kindness. To answer why I stayed away from my family because I know how controlling she is and I was very upset at what she did to our first relationship and what she was attempting to do with the second relationship. Over the years my mother has said hateful things about my wife. She has basically tortured us and has tried to destroy our relationship for 26 years. I am a lucky man to have found my wife; most women would have run far away within the first year. My wife has been there and stood by me, even though my mother and I have hurt her so much, this is 26 years of pain. What my family does not know, even if she was not there with me during the funeral, she supported me at home with my grief. She did not need to be there and I did not want her there to be tortured by my mother. I owe my wife a lifetime worth of love.

    In the regards to my father, since I was young boy my mother would tell me of the problems she had with my father i.e. the affairs. A young boy should not be hearing these things. It changed my opinions of my father. She basically burdened me with her problems. She stole the relationship I should have had with my dad instead of encouraging it! She groomed me as young boy to take care of her emotional needs & support, things that she was lacking from a man. For most of my life, I was not close to my dad and I felt animosity towards him. I believe she does the same things to my brothers but they will never admit it. Basically, I became a pseudo husband to my mother in an emotional sense. The only thing that came out of this was the last few years, for the first time I got to know my real dad. I enjoyed the moments I was with him alone. I miss him so very much. I dislike that my mother still had bad things to say about him till even a few months before his death. I do have those emails. My mother covers up a lot of the hateful things she says and does. I once decided to go to church with Dad. I told Mother and the next thing I knew my brother’s were angrily questioning my decision. After I got out of the Military as a young man and started to attend electronics school Dad tried to tell me he was proud of me and I dismissed him. I know as a young man my dad tried to tell me also about my Mother and her lack of warmth (frigid), I dismissed this too. I wish I would have taken the time to hear his side. I miss my dad so very much. I only wish those younger years that I could have been close to my dad would not have been stolen from me. The younger years that my brothers and I should have been close to my dad were stolen from us by my mother. Fathers and sons should be close. I feel very sorry for my brothers because they do not even realize what has happened to them. Since I have started to communicate with my mother in the last five years she has started to say more negative things about dad, things that should really be between Mother and Dad and not involve others. I feel sorry for my father because my mother married my dad three times and divorced him twice and booted him out of the home and ask him to get a condominium of his own basically towards the end of his life.

    My mother is obsessed with me. After she wrecked my first marriage she asks to move into the condominium with me. I ask her, are you nuts and she seemed surprised. When I was dating my wife a second time, she asks me to buy a house with her in California and I said no. Next thing, she asked my dad to sell the house in Illinois and buy a house in California and also ask me to buy the house next to her. Some of the things that happened prior to this were when my wife and I were in the bedroom naked, my wife in bed and I on the toilet, she asked to talk to me, I told her to wait. What she did next was open the door and walked in on us. My wife and I went to a movie and when we returned my mother was sitting in the rocking chair and asked us where we had been, and when we told her gave us an angry and dirty look. She treated us as if we were children, not asking for her permission and not including her. At my in-laws house, she sat on my lap, facing me, and wrapped her legs around me, telling me just because I was a supervisor, I did not love her. Another time in my in-laws house during a big party she asked me for a massage not in a way a mother interacts with a son! It’s a good thing my sister in law stepped in to lessen my embarrassment asked me for the same massage. My mother always wants to be there. Another example is during my honeymoon, the first time marriage, my in-laws paid for us to stay a few days in at the Fountain Bleu Hotel in Miami. My mother who was suppose to be in Jamaica returned earlier and wanted to stay with us in the same room. That basically ruined my first honeymoon of our first marriage. There were several instances such as this. My mother basically thinks she owns me. My mother’s obsession with me is real. She is mentally ill which I’ve known for a while.

    When I stopped communications with my mother the first time, I knew she would control the situations and your minds, that’s the reason I stayed away from you before. Now, I have broken all ties with her forever. I would like to continue to communicate with you. I do not want her to be there or be a part of our communications. I do not want her to know any part of my life and what is happening with me. This is not a hate letter about my mother, but facts and evidence that I needed to show in order for you to understand my decision, what has been happening with me, and especially the complexity of the situation I face. I hope you understand and respect my decision. I am old now, reaching 56 years, she has destroyed me for most of my life. I now need to live a “SANE”, HAPPY, and PEACEFUL LIFE for myself and my wife. If you do not want to communicate with me any longer, then I respect your decision.

    With love,
    Xxx

    REPLY

    • I wish you and your wife all the joy and happiness in the world. I cried when I read what your mother had done. I hope all of the past will be healed. I used to dream that my husband would grow up and become a man but I know it never will happen. x

    • Donna

      This is just incredible!! Thank you so much for posting your letter, I AM a MIL and found this website trying to find help for my daughter. She has been married 5 years and the other MIL is completely insane, and I believe my son in law has mental health issues also. Unfortunately my daughter has tried everything to save her marriage, I have offered help (my son in law and I have a good relationship) but his Mother has a grip of steel on him. Saddest thing I’ve ever seen and my daughter is so distraught and damaged from trying to help her gusband see that his Mother is destroying their marriage! Me being the other MIL, I have tried to delicately help but struggled with knowing who to believe, it is mind blowing that an adult mother is capable of manipulation like this. but your letter brings soooo much clarity! I am sending this atricle to my daughter, honestly she could have written this herself…I can’t believe there are so many other couples out there going thru this same ordeal. Thank you thank you thank you!

    • Jessie

      I would really like to know you the two of you went to for therapy? Yours’ is the only article that gives me even the slightest bit of hope. Eighteen years of this and I am burnt out. I am going numb to my husband and that is a very scary feeling for me. I love him dearly but I can not keep staying in this insanity.

  19. mayjune

    Deeply wounded couple.
    im sorry for everything you both went through.please move pass this and heal.you both deserve to live the rest of your lives happy.

    and dont be sad for the family members who may not belive you,they dont deserve your love.the ones who do belive you and want a relationship with you,please still
    keep anything you dont want your mother to know,keep private from them,trust me,it will get back to her if they slip or whatever.

    pray to God to heal you and move forward,dont waste your time deweling on the past
    as life it to short.
    love and be happy everyday,and only let people in your life who are positive and loving,family or not

    pray,love and be happy

  20. Nikki

    I am amazed that I am not the only wife out there that seems to be having issues with a MIL. I have been married for almost 10 years, we have a daughter together. We have lived with husbands parents 4 times, due to husband constantly finding reasons, whether to help them with money or how it would better profit us. Only considering every time we go back I feel like I am going insane.
    Between her constantly finding things I do wrong with my husband, to overstepping my decisions for my child, to downright unreasonable/cruel remarks. I am still at my whits end and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am tiring of competition, and sharing my husband. That sounds greedy only, let me explain.
    During the times we stayed with his parents or even when we didn’t, she would call and complain that “My kids father had to stay home with OUR child”, when I would go out once a year with my friend for four hours or when I would go to work. She would un pack what I packed my husband for lunch AS I would pack it, stating I didn’t know my own “husband of five years”. Fast forwarding ahead, I was in the process of going to school to get my GED (I was a HS dropout and finally managed time between home schooling my kid and working full time to do so).His mother asked I “find someone else to watch my child, since her son shouldn’t have to babysit”. 1. It was his kid too, and I shouldn’t need more reasoning. When I declined to look for someone else, she demanded I drop out because it would be better for my husband to get more sleep during the day before his night shift. My husband was in full support of me getting my GED only never spoke up for me.
    Fast forward to the near present: Husband guilted me for the last time to quit my job, move back to the town with his parents and into their place to help since his father was ill. Only I was left alone while he and his mother and our daughter left, without anyone explaining the condition he was in, or where they were going. I was told they wouldn’t be gone long. To find I had tubes to change, bags, and if done improperly, I could damage them. So my fear came true, and I couldn’t get anyone to answer their phones. Luckily FIL was able to talk me through changing these things, and it worked out.
    He ended up passing away, and the MIL issues got worse. Current: She calls him no matter the time even if it is 4 am to *tell him secrets*. She explains to my husband they cant be told to even me. She calls MY phone to get a hold of him. I currently am now unable to work due to some medical issues going on with me, yet I home-school my daughter still. So I need my sleep. I am currently limited on what I can do house work wise due to Dr. Restrictions.
    Our daughter is still young, so I do need the extra help from my husband. Only he goes to his mothers house 2 to 3 x a week to clean her house, help her with anything no matter how small. I can not sweep let a-lone go to a gun range to practice shooting. So MIL requests he take her, and some how I get dragged in to this mess(which caused a argument). It is currently 5:30 am and he is off for her house, for a secret she couldn’t chance me overhearing on the phone. Last secret they had she let slip. She called my phone, asking for my husband. I told her he wasn’t available, and she mentioned something about a house being over 100k for sale. Of course my shock quickly mixed with anger when I put two and two together. The two of them picked out a house right next to my mother n law’s. One we cant afford, and one I hadn’t seen. Yet somehow they had all planned out on how to buy this house and talked to the person selling it, I found this out after going to my husband.

    Of course it was then I told my husband I don’t keep secrets with my father, so I expect the same with him and his mother. Only they didn’t stop. He went over her house for every problem even if it didn’t concern him, us, or even his mom. She would get him involved in his half sisters life and of course he wouldn’t say no. I went to him last month, trying to get him to understand my feelings.

    Which led to a loud yelling match about how “he isn’t going to talk about it anymore”, and how he don’t put his mom on a pedestal compared to me, and so on. Only he won’t talk to me about what she tells him, and he goes over there like tonight, at 5:30am to hear another secret. I want to move back to my old town with my old friends, only he has reasons why we shouldn’t. Like usual. 1. He don’t know the neighborhood, 2. He don’t want to live 40 minutes from his mom

    The secrets irk me to no end, her phone calls EVERY time a storm happens to make sure he has a sleeping bag,first aid kit and so on in his car incase he gets stranded, the 5/6 phone calls a night that storm happens from her asking if he came home yet.
    She asked us to move back in again with her, of course I said no! I told my husband if that is his wish, he might as well divorce me and marry his mother, because I refuse. I don’t go visit my own father out of state, he comes here, because my husband makes excuses. Or when my father comes to town I see him maybe one or two days, and thats with the husband complaining.
    Yet he thinks I have to go every time he goes to his mothers. I asked him once to drive me home from his mothers and was told no. When I asked why, his response was “Lay in dads bed! I don’t want to waste the gas”. I am restricted from driving, due to my pain medications. I was still adjusting to them at that time and the FIL had passed away two weeks before this incident, so I found it too awkward to do.
    What else is left to say to my husband to get him to understand, if anything? I am tired of him being grumpy from lack of sleep due to these MIL visits, or the fights we have every week due to her. I am still in the process of getting in with a specialist, physical therapy, and so on.

    Even with everything I listed, it hardly covers the mother n law at all. She treats him like a 5 yr old, gets in-between her son and I’s fights, siding with him, tries to mother her son and I’s daughter, drinks every day which leads to her drunk dialing me atleast twice a week to explain how drunk she is, invites herself out with us when we plan dates, the list goes on and on. I am seriously going to block her from my phone and just end the connection with her, whether husband is upset or not over it. I know he loves me, he tells me every day, he gets upset with what he does for his mom but refuses to put a stop to it. He says it will hurt her feelings. She tried to give us a load of money to pay off his loans to buy the house next to hers, the secret mentioned above. She also talks him out of moving out of town or puts a guilt trip on him every time I finally get him on board with it.

    Every decision she makes, has to include him. From which cell phone provider should she have (even though she has had the same for 11 yrs), if she should change internet companies, security system,the list goes on. These were just ones brought up within 3 weeks.

  21. casey grimes

    i am fed up with my husband,he does not act like a husband,at least not mine! he acts like he is married to his parents.it’s so bad i refuse to have anything at all to do with his parentsmy husband,who’s 50 and his parents are all crazy! this is a serious mental illness they all have.i am about to file for a divorce! !!!!!!!

  22. Ellis

    Hey, I’m having the same problem!
    I live with my partner at his mums house so I kind of have to stick to her house rules etc.. But she gets to much somethimes! We have been together 4 years now and are now saving for our own house which will still take another couple of years but meanwhile we have to live here. I fight so hard to gain his attention from he’s mother! He will ask me a question and when I give him the answer I hear him go to her for a second answer as if I’m wrong! Or when I’m ill he’s mother will be 10 times worse than me and compete for attention from him and he gives it to her. He always defends her whatever is said! She’s a single parent which obviously makes things worse for me! And she has started to treat us (me and my partner) like we are brother and sister which I hate but he doesn’t see any of this! I need some advise please on what I can do so I’m not pushed aside!

  23. KK

    Playing a second wife..an other woman to my husband…
    don’t feel like calling him “MY” husband…he is my MIL’s husband..

    These mothers and their sons should be put behind bars for ruining lives of the girls they choose to bring in their house for their personal interest.
    These son should be penalized for being blind and deaf and dumb.

    My life has been ruined by such a mother -son duo…who have nothing to repent on and I have nothing to save on..I have 2 kids..and our lives are in dark when it could have been a bliss if I had known this son cum husband to MIL theory long ago ..

    God should see them..as I am now reduced to be a helpless mother with loads of responsibilities and loneliness ahead of me..

    • Evil

      I do understand where you’re coming from maybe not from a wife/husband side but my mother is a narcissist and she is single my dad ”RAN”’ for his life when I was 10 and lets just say having a bully raise kids is the worst thing and I do think something big should be done to fix this issue because narcissist leave alot of damage on a kids life. the whole expect everything but 0 help is insulting and when their kids achieve something it’s their achievement even though they didn’t help all they did was insult and belittle them.
      ”These son should be penalized for being blind and deaf and dumb.”
      The issue with this is he was a child that had a toxic mother and do we really blame kids that have been in a damaged home not really the only one at fault here is his mother for even giving birth.
      I could list countless things my mother has down that was batshit crazy and the amount of shit she will never say sorry and rarely say thank you for.
      example* She leaves glass on the floor for 5 hours I step on the glass walking into the kitchen I’m standing there with my feet bleeding then I say ”what the fuck” and she would say ”what are you doing standing there clean it up”
      she will say stuff like I feel like the world is using my mind and that’s why my mind doesn’t work the same way it use to. call my sisters sluts call me loser. I can’t remember ever in my life her trying to cheer me up, not to mention the time my dad left and she would cry for for years 1-5 years and still brings it up 10 years later in the 1-5 years she would beat me when I was 10 find reasons none of the reasons had to even make sense half the time she would say stuff like I will smack your face and your blood will go on the wall stuff like that to a 10 year old she would belittle my dad call him gay tell us he left because of us not her, all our fault no matter what that’s the issue with narcissists it’s never their fault that’s why they never say sorry sorry implies that they did something WRONG and that is never the case.
      And over the years all that happened was I got more and more angry more and more depressed I just went past the years like a zombie that didn’t talk at school simply because I didn’t care anymore just gazed at the stuff.
      The best advice I could ever give you is leave them and rebuild toxic people make it hard to bring yourself up,
      I wish you luck and truly mean that

  24. Claudia

    My husband and I have ben married for 8 years. Before we married, I had only met his mum once but people told me many times that he was very close to her. I thought this was nice at the time but it has turned in to a nightmare. Whilst I went away for a week before we got married with some friends, he and his mother found a house for us to rent and moved all his furniture in. She chose and bought the curtains, washing machine and most everything else in the house and presented me with it ‘all done’ when I got back. I never settled in the house as I never felt it was mine. He just didn’t get it and thought I was being ungrateful. He takes all his washing over his mums as he says that she has always done his washing and she is a brilliant washer!!! He leaves the house sometimes before 7 am to ‘miss the traffic’ but she only lives 20 minutes away. He just cannot wait to get over there. He also works from home but is over with her for hours each day. They ring each other three or four times a day or more and he is always sneaky with the calls if I am in earshot when she calls. He will give very short answers or cryptic comments. He tells her all our business to the point where I cannot confide in him in case he tells her what I have said. I should be able to talk to him about things that worry me or how I am feeling but I daren’t. My husband is trying to get his business off the ground at the moment and I am the one who is paying all the bills but he goes over his mums every day. He is 58 years old and had never lived with anyone for long before we got married; he had never married. He gets extremely defensive when I try to talk to him and can see on future for my marriage at all.

    • MK

      I hope you ran. He *is* married to his mother. You are the inconvenient mistress. That will *never* change. You are supposed to be happier with your husband than without him. I can guarantee nothing but misery for you if you marry/ied him.

  25. lola

    help! Im pretty sure this fits my situation except my MIL walks around like she is a saint; never harming or demanding of anyone-very manipulative and cunning. I have read about the Covert Narcissistic. My husband and I are having a lot of marital issues after a most recent visit with my MIL and after 1 year of her leaving, she is talking to my husband about how I treated her while she was visiting so it has put a major strain on our relationship. I feel helpless…

  26. jubyda

    Just a true reflection of my married life
    I have no problem with mother in law
    But my husband don’t understand that they just use him…

  27. hopeful lady

    O.M.G ! did you secretly follow me around with a film camera ? This is truly parts of my misery that i suffered from the mind of the M.I.L…She was so bad that the rest of the family fell in to line and supported her mad accussations about me.She was mean,cruel,racsist,slanderous.This woman spent her whole waking hours turning all her family against me.There were 6 siblings with partners most ao them had kids an average of 2 each,they had in-laws which added uo to around lets say 24.They had friends,work collegues and anyone else who had nothing else better to do than to listen to bad things about me and my children and how badly I treaed her soon.So lets say at least 100 people against me each and every day that I had to put up with this crap.This started from tears of joy that her Son had finaly found someone rather like finding a gold ring on the way home from school,they were joyus for a short while.As her Son started to plan his future with me in it the demands started ,phonecalls in the night of cryong about no ciggarettes left or her Husband not feeding her or her Son not visiting her enough ,Just about anything she cpild think of to distract him form his own happiness even the sun not shining was his fault and his responsibillitiy to put it right as it was all these things would not have happend if he did not spend so much time doing other things (spending time with me).
    As the years went on we managed to marry as long as she was number one and she made that clear many times in front of me and family and my husband would just let her do it.This rubbed off on family members and they treated me as if I was invisible whenever we visited any of them.One would have to chuckle or you could actually had gone mad overtime.With over 100 people day in day out pointing the finger at you and looking at you like you were stupid wondering why you just did not leave their special group it did start to take its toll on our sweet loving romance that we had promised eachother.The final straw was when MIL decided a family hoilday was needed,Great a week away at her favourite resort,her,Father and her 5 children their partners and their kids were all excited to go with her ,my Husband had been designated driver and he was happy to do that for his Mother and they were all very happy and excited to be going on a family trip together. GUESS WHAT ? yes you guessed it,Myself and my two kids were not allowed to go ,we were not to be invited not included and everyone knew it most of all from the start of all her arrangements for the trip my Husband had approved all her demands including not inviting me HIS WIFE! talk about betrayal I was devestaed ,humilliated,hurt to tell my kids that all their family was going away without them just so damm cruel.What followed was my Husband being on the other side of the door when he returned back.I threw out his clothes and left them on his Mothers drive.As you can imagine we are now separated but we still speak and are trying to get back to a happy marital level.This is just one small episode in my marrige which this woman ruined time and love that my husband and I tried to create.This is a bad person that has not grown up,this person will not see you as anything other than a competitor in a tornement and will fight you to the death for her Son.
    I do not want to give bad news to you but the only hope ypou have is to make yourself happy,ATTRACTIVE TO YOUR HUSBAND in a way that she can not .I never thought I would say this but you have to keep your life seperate from her and when you are with your Husband make the time worth worth spending together.Treat his visits to her like he is visiting a very demanding boss and then you may not feel so low.It has nothing to do with you how he feels about her this started long before he met you and now she sees competition in you she has raised the barr on how much she demands just really like an ugly spoilt kid. Sad but true you will just have to put up with it like a I said treat it like a demanding boss that your husband works for over a thankless task,over and over again.Things will get better if you let the tension that this woman brings float away from your mind and when your with your Husband try not to let this woman spoil your time.Your Husband will be on edge and on red alert all the time but you can help him relax by just being nice and and light with him.Unfortunatly you may have to wait for him to give you the things that you want and need for your marriage to work but that dooes not mean he does not love you it just means that she has made it clear to all that she is first in his life probably because her Husband made her LAST IN HIS !…Good luck to all who suffer these women and their poor bullied Sons ,He does love you she just won’t let him show it.Thank you to the people who wrote the original article,You have restored my faith in myself as you wrote it like i told it and you were never there.Keep your chin upo and make yourself feel good untill your Husband gets the time to join you .I could see my Husband was desperate to please me and I acted up when he would not tell her to back off but now I am glad we went through everything we did and are still talking it shows me she can not ruin your marraige like she ruined her own.

  28. PUREmadness

    My heart cries out for all of you!! At first I thought it was only me going through this madness. 12 YEARS OF COMPLETE MADNESS I’ve been through! God help us all. I won’t even go through half of it, as it would take at the least a 100 pages to say it all. It’s a compliation of what all of you have gone through, and going through at the present….

    Fast forward couple months ago, I had to have a hysterectomy, had it scheduled and was ready to go the next day when narcissistic-MIL called once more and (calls at least 10-15 times a day!!…EVERYDAY) and told my husband shee was’nt feeling well and had been coughing up fluids. Now, you need to understand that narcissistic-MIL plays this “I’m sick and you need to drop whatever you’re doing to come and see about me game” every so often, Expects hubby to drive GA to NY at the drop of a hat, which he’s done twice in 3 months mind you! For my surgery and come see about her!! But wait……he does!! Drops me off in the waiting room, does not stick around for my surgery, my recovery…YES HE DID!! (Think you’ve got it bad).

    We have three children..15 and 9 year twins, he leaves them with a friend down the street, had the husband of the friend pick me up after the surgery and goes to NY, home to “mommy
    dearest”. I tell you no lie! Lord strike me dead if I’m lying!! Thank God I was up and on my feet the very next day, as I had the Davinci type surgery, not the bikin cut where more time is required for healing. We did’nt hear from him despite calling his phone just to know he made it there safely. I heard from him on day three of him being gone only for him to answer the phone very heated and angry like we disturbed his precious time with “mommie dearest”. Actually I did….”disturbed” his time with “mommie dearest”. When asked why he did’nt call to see about me, see about the children and to let us know he arrived safely, his answer; AND I KID YOU NOT…..”my mom was’nt feeling well and I was in bed with her rubbing her tummy and fell asleep”. (He’s 35, “mommie dearest” is 57) WTF!!! AGAIN…I KID YOU NOT!!

    I cold’nt believe my freaking ears…I said: What did you just say? He repeated himself so nonchanlantly..”I was in bed when you called, rubbing my mom’s tummy”. WOW!! I asked: Do you sleep with your mom in the same bed? (this was news to me)! Lord knows, I always knew the relatinships was dysfunctional, but….your in the bed rubbing your mom’s tummmy? I JUST HAD SURGERY!! YOU DROPPED ME OFF TO THE FREAKING HOSPITAL!! And you drove umpteenth mile to rub your mom’s tummy?!!

    WOW!!! Can you say pyscho-freaking-path??? Who does this? Who in their right mind leaves their family for whatever reason to go and rub “mommie’s” tummy? And you all think you’ve got it bad? Did I mention earlier that narcissistic-MIL aka “mommie dearest” would call the house 10-15 times a day? Remember when I stated that in the above? Well…all those calls would be for him, DOES NOT bother to call and speak to her grand kids at all!! Does’nt ask about them on birthdays, nor holidays, nothing…period! Totally ignores her “golden son’s” children, his children and he see nothing wrong with that…I KID YOU NOT! His excuse..’oh she loves them anyway’. WOW, just freaking WOW!!

    Well, fast forward to present day…people I tell you, GOD DOES NOT LIKE UGLY!! And KARMA, she is a bitch! All that feigning sickness that she’s been doing for years, all that sick ugliness she’s been perpetrating against my family and I with this sick smirk on her face (you gotta see it), the selfies (pictures taken of herself, via herself) and sends to his phone on a weekly basis (I kid you not, the woman takes pics of herself and sends him every freaking week), all that sickness, all that evilness, madness, the toxicity…well, IT HAS ALL CAUGHT UP TO HER!! This what I meant when I said “God don’t like ugly” an ugly heart. How has it caught up to her you would like to know? the last bout of “oh I’m sick, drop everthing and come see about me”…is END STAGE 4 OVARIAN CANCER with 18 months to live.

    May God see it fit to have mercy on her soul! All of this yet she continues to send selfies (pictures taken of herself) in various stages of decline, all as she poses with no hair, a 60 pound weight loss, still smirking for the camera….as she’s about to make her final curtain fall, her grand exit. My God!

    Me…..I took my children and left. I say, let the dead bury the dead. Pray for me and the kids.

    PS: I reccommend each and everyone of you to purchase, borrow, go to the library and the book People Of The Lie by M. Scott Peck. It will all make sense. Stay strong, keep fighting to be you.

  29. angela

    So glad I found this. I had been shown the explanation but I just noticed all of the comments. It is truly a welcome feeling to finally realize that I am not a nutball with a screw loose that causes this unwanted drama as my husband trys to convince me any time I try to make him understand the actual situation. I feel that my marriage is doomed. I have known since the first few times he promised to make it end then tried to mentally abuse me rather than put an end to the insanity. I do at times feel insane. I try over and
    over and over I beg I compromise I tell him exactly what her next game will be
    before she starts playing it. I’ve explained when and why she will do things well before she makes her move. I do it hoping to convince him that she is evil selfish self centered and nothing morethan a wolf in sheeps clothing and is trying her best to destroy our relationship for her own selfish needs. He dismisses me and has excuses for his excuses. His children have even tried to get him to see…He has
    lost or is close to loosing 2 of his 3 children. The third is half in half out and Im going to be the third wife to leave him if he is unable to change. The bright side is that he does not care that she
    runs his life. I think its easier for him this way. In the end they can be happy together. That’s all either of them need. Anyone else is nothing more than a pawn to abuse in their narcissistic selfish lives. Its sad.

    • stacey allam

      My mother in ls we is a woman who thinks that the world revolves her she constantlty has to dress my husband down to visitt her dh r lives in another state and it is not financially possible . she has gone through hard times but dhe y hinks yt? hese times bbq only affect her when they affect y he whole family if my husban f says no to comming over she calls him a wuss and thrn when he caves i call him the same thing which i hate she puts mebin y he p i sition of acting just like he t i want b out of this competion we have been married 25 years and i am so ired kf being in comp with my mil

  30. Bani

    Hi,
    We are getting married before jst 6 mnth ago we are away from my husband family.he has completed his work at 10 pm after that when enter home he call his mother after talking to his mother he became changed no talking n became sad.he did not Share anything to me jst ignore me this behave hrt me alwz take mother side..

  31. Mariah

    Listen up, ladies. There is another dimension here to consider. (By the way, I would like to thank the author for the article). Okay, so my narcissistic mother in law almost destroyed our marriage. I wouldn’t let go so easily and fought back by learning what was happening. I literally finished a Master’s in Psychology because I wanted to figure out what was going on. I also learned how to talk to my husband. So, here is the other dimension and I should have seen this coming. We started talking divorce and he left for an entire day then came back. When he came back he told me his deep, dark secret. His mom had molested him. That’s right. My husband’s mom molested him all the way through high school. Then, all the lights went on for me in my head. All the red flags were there in retrospect. It all made sense. After he told me he says he never wanted to talk about it again and we don’t. I respect that and it has changed my attitude in the marriage. Now I perceive him with profound compassion rather than writing him off as a momma’s boy. I don’t leave because after he told me he finally let me in emotionally. And now he stands up to his mom too. Anyhow, I always felt she acted like I had stolen her lover. Now I know that this is the case. She is married and always has been. My father in law is a good looking guy too. So, my dad wanted to tell his dad and we sat down with his dad. He didn’t tell his dad details, just that it happened. His dad was shocked and said, “she would never have sex with me. She was always cold and froze me out.” Then as soon as my father in law had the realization, he went into denial and said my husband must have imagined it. Ladies, learn from my story. If a guy’s mom acts as if you are stealing her lover, you might just be. Run while you can and not after you have 2 small children. Anyhow, we don’t see his mom and won’t. I refuse to let the monster near my sons.

    • Thankyou for this website. It is full of pain and wounding but also honesty and brave strong women . If you are thinking of wedding bells have you mil fully investigated or sectioned under the mental health act for LIFE. That way your relationship may work if her precious son has not caught her narcissim or become emotionally retarded and many other things.

      • mummy dearest died yesterday (almost 98yrs old) ). He is destroyed. I am so glad I found this web-site.He let me be alone for the loss of our child to autism. She paid for him to go on a singles ski-ing trip.I was alone when my dad died. My mum took cancer during my chemo for breast cancer. I got a really bad prognosis and am here by the grace of GOD my husband left me alone and mummy dearest made him go to her for meals every night. My total food during chemo was Lucozade. I survived.I was left alone when my mum died at 6am. When I came home he had gone to work :I saw him at 6:15pm. I lost one of my younger sisters to pancreatic cancer. Mummy dearest was uninterested and he asked how she was 2 days after her death. It looks like I am going to lose my other younger sister to breast cancer. The pain is so deep. He is absorbed in him 24/7. I feel nothing at the demise of mummy dearest. He has requested much for me to do. I can not pretend . He wants me to respect and feel his pain. Respect is earned. My prayers are with our beautiful autistic daughter. As for him I feel like saying plenty but have remained silent. Once again I thank you for this wesite. I hope others find it before 34 years of observing behaviour far from normal. luv margaret

  32. Areli Diaz

    Hello my name is areli and I really need help and advice. My mother in law is divorced and sees my fiancé as a husband and relies in him like a wife relies on a husband. I want to discuss this with my fiancé before we get married and I don’t want my mother in law and her 6 year old son living with us once we are married but I don’t know how to tell my fiancé without sounding like a psycho jealous person. An example of how she is—-we used to live together and one time she had a nightmare and came and woke my fiancé up to go lay down with her because she is very scared!!!!! I was shocked and could not believe what I was hearing!! Someone please help me or advice me in how to talk to him so he isn’t offended. We are in love and I want us to be happily married.

    • Areli I am scared to give you advice but after 34yrs I have found this website and I thank God. It is abnormal for a grown up son to lie with is mother. Both of their thinking is beyond normal. I loved my late dad but would I lie with him:NO. Would he asked me:Never. It is sick behaviour and my late mil and husband have displayed it in front of me and our child. They don,t change. My husband will never get over her death. I feel I should not tell u to run but after 34yrs you will wish u had.x

  33. Yashti Nadasan

    This is what I have. My husband doesn’t want to see what his mother is doing to me. She is continuously trying to get a rise out of my husband by saying that she’s going to get a boyfriend and she’s going to live away. I mean it’s not even a year for my father in law. And she behaves like such a child. Let her squeal for one thing there’s my husband running like a puppy dog. I’m the one that comes first and I get told I must wait for what I want but she’s getting everything in a flash. Oh how it ticks me off!!

    • Yes I had this. My father in law had died less than 1yr and the mil was going to look for a man for friendship etc . She was 86yrs old. I thought OMG. My husband did the out for lunches teas etc. I was left alone with b.cancer and our autistic child + we lived on a shoe-string. He thought he had it sorted (as did she). When I confronted him I was awarded 3 fractures in one finger. She KNEW HE DID IT AND WAS NOT PERTURBED. She saw the finger + support and I can honestly say she knew . She also knew the war was over :she had won. I felt so sick at this behaviour and did not understand it until this web-site.I will not miss her now that she is dead but am not sure he will ever get over this weird specimen of humanity. At her funeral I took an anti-emetic. Even the minister said that she was a lovely lady. However you can not fool God. He is not mocked.

  34. nyiko

    Mine is worse but with similarities I am in a process of divorce after 6 months of marriage my hubby is 12 years older than me and I still love him even today.
    After I gave birth his mom was very sappurtive she even called me when I was In labour she went as far as giving tips. I thought I had the best mother in law but to my surprise the best pretender. After my husband became sick she decided to take him to prophets rather than hospital, telling me that I was not allowed to go there because I was a woman. She send my brother in law to tell me that my husband will be out of the place on 28/07/2015 they told me on the 12/07/2015 but to my surprise on the 17/07/2015 was issued with divorce papers.
    Since then I haven’t spoken to him till today we have a 7 months daughter but she hasn’t called or checked on her even to send money for her upbringing.

  35. Christy

    Wow, how true this is. My husband and I jumped into marriage after 6 months and were together for 15 years, raising 3 girls. I separated from the military so he could move closer to his parents living in a small town. She influenced every decision that was made, no matter how hard I tried to reason with him. She had a key to our home, would come in and do laundry, cleaning, but also go through our bills and personal items (she called it organizing). He and his mom had several falling out periods over the years. She had even come in our home and threatened us with calling Children Services. We just looked at her and said “go ahead”. We both worked full time and took care of our children and she knew she had no leverage. Then we learned that he had BiPolar Disorder when our third child arrived and he took a turn for the worse, suffering from severe depression and became suicidal. She would come over and baby him and tell him to get off the couch and go to work, that would make him feel better. I took him to the hospital and he was admitted. However, over the years, it just became worse. He worked in the Mental Health profession so it was hard for him to seek help. He demonstrated poor behaviors and would stop taking his meds. Eventually, this led to his suicide in March this year. His mom and dad convinced me to stay, telling me they would help me and the kids. I have since left my career to take care of my girls. Everyone is happy, but me. So back to my MIL. My oldest daughter was at her home, and they decided to take a 30 minute trip to Walmart. She left our house around 10 in the morning, it was 6 pm so I texted my daughter and asked her what time she was coming home. My mistake. I got a call from my MIL. I told her that I need to know, as a concerned parent, when they decide to take my children anywhere like that. Just out of courtesy and respect. I explained that my daughter had been at their house all day, surely they knew, at some point, they were going to leave. In the call, she said she was hurt because she felt like I didn’t trust her. These were her grandchildren and she should be allowed to take them places. At some point in the conversation, she even threatened me with calling an attorney to get visitation. I told her that “Mom” will always trump “Grandma” and I would like to know when they are going somewhere. I really didn’t think I was asking too much. Recently, she called me to talk to me about contacts for my daughter, who was out of them. She was worried that my daughter would need them for sports. I explained to my MIL that I could not afford to get her the contacts right now, because we are on a very tight budget. She offered to pay for them, so I allowed her to do so. Seconds after we get off the phone, I received a text meant for someone else from my MIL. She had called me a “B” and was telling them how I had no intentions of getting my daughter contacts and had no money until next month. I have really let this bother me. I am suffering from anxiety, sleep deprivation, and stress – over this. I really hoped that she cared about me. Now, after speaking to my own mother, I am making plans to move after the school year is over. I have applied for part-time work to supplement our earnings for now. I’m going to continue on until then (with the help of my therapist). I feel like this woman is trying to consume me and take control of my life. I really hope I am doing the right thing.

  36. Natalie

    HELP!!!! This website brings me so much relief. As others have said, it’s nice to know I’m not crazy. My husband often tries to “gaslight” me into thinking I’m crazy, making “too big of a deal out of things,” or I have “too high of expectations.” He refuses to see the deep-rooted issue of his unhealthy relationship with my MIL. I thought that if I set specific rules on how often he could talk to her that things would be better. We established a routine of them talking 3 days a week on the phone and texting each day but not more than around 10 times. I think it’s ridiculous we even had to come up with this “set of rules” because I feel like most grown married men don’t need to talk to mom that much. I don’t talk to my mom that much and she’s my best friend! Anyway… I am realizing that even if the frequency of how much they talk has become less, the CONTENT of what they’re saying is just as creepy/unhealthy as ever… so the enmeshment/co-dependency really isn’t getting fixed. My husband sends texts daily to her saying “I love you so much” or “I miss you” or “I really wish i could be there mom” anytime we aren’t able to make it to something. I saw a text the other day that he sent his mom that was literally apologizing for moving out of her house and saying that he hopes she can forgive him. I mean really! What kind of grown up married man needs to apologize to his mom basically for marrying me? It makes me feel very unimportant and it makes me feel like he is throwing our marriage under the bus to say that to her. We’ve been married just over a year and this has been a constant problem. I told him that if he feels the need to apologize for living in our house then he doesn’t deserve to be in it. We are in a trial separation right now and he is staying at his parents’ house. I know that’s right back into MIL’s arms but I didn’t know what else to do because I need time and space to figure this out. What do I do? I love him so much but I can’t take their creepy, obsessive relationship. They say things to each other that would even be overkill for SPOUSES to say to one another that often. She told me that I just don’t understand that my husband is a loving person and I don’t understand the love that they share, and that she wishes I wasn’t “threatened” by the relationship she has with him. My husband feels like he has to say these creepy things to her otherwise he will feel guilty and he worries that she’ll be mad at him. He tries to downplay this whole thing and say things like “well if i just say less sappy stuff to her then you won’t divorce me right, so what’s the problem? or “you’re asking me to completely write off my mother and i refuse to do that” which is clearly not what I want or what I’m asking. He’s not seeing the bigger picture or recognizing the deeper issue in their relationship. If he talks to her less and says “less sappy stuff” because his “bitch wife” is making him, then he isn’t truly going to be happy and it’s not a real sustainable solution, nor is it solving the true problem of their enmeshment with one another. HELP!!!!!!!

    • Clare

      I’ve just been reading through all these awful MIL stories to try to see if there was one similar to mine, in that my MIL is not directly horrible to me, but she’s overly attached in a creepy way to my husband. Yours sounds like an absolute horror story. I can’t believe they communicate that often, and in that intimate way – sick. Can I ask what’s happened since the separation? Did you guys see a therapist or counsellor?

      My MIL has been problematic from the beginning, I should have seen the signs. When we started dating he was living at his parents for a couple of months while he found a house, he invited me over to have dinner with him and his Mum was there which was fine, but then she came into the dining room, took some food he’s made and sat between us while we ate! Umm, awkward.

      Fast forward to us looking for a house to buy, his Mum is forwarding him all these listings that she thinks would be good for us, then my husband arranges to go to an open home for one of them at a time that I can’t go! So he goes with his mummy anyway, and then I see them afterwards and she’s basically trying to sell me this house that I’ve never even seen. Suffice to say, we didn’t not buy that house…

      She is married but it seems to me their marriage is very strained and separate, he stays at an apartment they own in the city most of the time while she is back at the family house. So to compensate, as this article outlines, she pours all her time and energy into her children to avoid her own marital issues. Is your MIL married? What’s their relationship like out of interest?

      Her own daughter has said to me that when she had her son she felt that her mother was hogging him and she didn’t get to bond with him properly. Sure, it’s her grandchild, but that is kind of sick. This daughter has moved back home with them temporarily and my MIL couldn’t be happier because she can lavish all her attention on the grandchild.

      Yet it still doesn’t stop her from trying to push her way into our lives. Last weekend my husband visited her for the day, and yet sure enough, this Friday he calls me at work and tells me his Mum has offered to help me with my gardening this weekend. I say “no thanks” at which my husband gets angry at me for rejecting the offer. My time in the garden in the weekend is some of the only time I get to myself but he can’t stand the idea of going back to his mummy and telling her no. So we’ve had a huge fight about it, he’s told me that I always get my own way and that it doesn’t suit him and that he wants to “live with an open heart and have my parents come by whenever they like” which is a tad melodramatic considering I went out to dinner with them a few weeks ago, he saw them last weekend, we will be seeing them next weekend, and the following weekend I invited them to a Halloween party I’m hosting. How much is enough?! I would be happy to see them once a month, tops, so I’ve actually got something to talk to her about. I don’t see my own parents more than that.

      Anyway he’s gone out to dinner with them tonight, and I’ve moved into the spare room. I’m at a point where I can’t deal with these fights anymore and I’m sick of her constantly trying to make last minute plans with us that don’t suit me and then it causing fights between my husband and I. My life is hectic, so I have to make plans if I want to maintain relationships and friendships. She hasn’t worked in 40 years, yet maintains she is “so busy” all the time, and thinks that I can drop everything to see her when she feels like it.

      My husband just can’t put my independence and my need for privacy first. She acts as if she’s trying to do nice things for us, and offers to pay for dinner etc, but when I don’t actually want any of what she’s offering, it’s actually just her selfish way of trying to be super involved in our lives, so she can avoid her own problems.

      I’m worried this is a marriage deal breaker. He’s clearly not cut the apron strings, and no matter what I say he is in denial that any of it is happening, and obviously feels too guilty to put me first and say no to her. And on top of that I find it very unattractive, this enmeshment with his mother in his mid 30s. Any advice would be appreciated!

  37. candleti

    Hello. .I’m going through this for almost two years my inlaw is living with me and she tries to be in control and in front of her son she acts and when he leaves she comes and Throws all those negative vibes on me which is making problems to our marriage but the problem is my husband is not getting it that we should move out or email will divorce soon

  38. Karishma Ahmed

    Heelo, I m from Bangladesh, My mother-in-law aged about 56 and now she wants marry a man who lives abroad and who, we feel, is getting involved with her for money. I have talked to him and he doesnt wanna reveal his address and what does he do there and already has lied to me and created a problem between me and my mother in law. Moreover, my husband is totally against this relationship as we always wanted to lead a happy and joint life together which is our custom and tradition. My husband is the only child of his parent and my father in law died few months ago and i m expecting a baby. So all these have been a great pressure on me, so plz help me what can i do and should i prevent her from this, if yes, how..

  39. I have been with my partner for 13 years. He has two children by two women. I supported him with both his children who were 1 year and 4 years when we got together. My own children were 16 and 12 years old. I have been emotionally and financially supportive to an extent that has been completely one sided. In arguments, he would go to his mother and bad mouth me (as he has done with past exes also). His mother and family are aware of the support I have provided but dismiss it. His mother has treated me as though I am totally unimportant to him and within the family. My father became ill and sadly died but my partner could not support me since he had weekends with his sons and mother, going for lunch and days out. It was accepted by then that he should not take time from his family commitments to be with me. On the morning my dad died I phoned to as him to come to me but he declined saying he had to be with his boys, or alternatively they should accompany him. By this time they were 15 and 12 years, so could’ve been left foot a short time, of his mother could’ve offered to have them but she did not. She has been manipulative throughout our relationship. At one time when his boys were younger, my partner wanted to go away for a break in our motor home, however I declined due to the difficulties between us. I later found out that his mother was aware I may not go on the break with him, and just in case had a bag packed which she took out once she knew I would not accompany my partner, and went away with them. She has always made it clear that I am not family, and has been extremely critical of me as well as past girlfriends. Her critical also extend to my partners wife, however, she is aware that her other son has more commitment to his wife and so there is less manipulation in their relationship. This article has reinforced just how difficult it is to try to maintain a partnership when the mother in law is in need of attention. Unfortunately she was widowed about one year before we began our relationship and this probably had an impact on her neediness. I hope I will never put my children in such a position, but allow them to have full and happy family lives if their own!

    • I have been with my partner for 13 years. He has two children by two women. I supported him with both his children who were 1 year and 4 years when we got together. My own children were 16 and 12 years old. I have been emotionally and financially supportive to an extent that has been completely one sided. In arguments, he would go to his mother and bad mouth me (as he has done with past exes also). His mother and family are aware of the support I have provided but dismiss it. His mother has treated me as though I am totally unimportant to him and within the family. My father became ill and sadly died but my partner could not support me since he had weekends with his sons and mother, going for lunch and days out. It was accepted by then that he should not take time from his family commitments to be with me. On the morning my dad died I phoned to as him to come to me but he declined saying he had to be with his boys, or alternatively they should accompany him. By this time they were 15 and 12 years, so could’ve been left foot a short time, of his mother could’ve offered to have them but she did not. She has been manipulative throughout our relationship. At one time when his boys were younger, my partner wanted to go away for a break in our motor home, however I declined due to the difficulties between us. I later found out that his mother was aware I may not go on the break with him, and just in case had a bag packed which she took out once she knew I would not accompany my partner, and went away with them. She has always made it clear that I am not family, and has been extremely critical of me as well as past girlfriends. Her critical also extend to my partners sister in law, however, she is aware that her other son has more commitment to his wife and so there is less manipulation in their relationship. This article has reinforced just how difficult it is to try to maintain a partnership when the mother in law is in need of attention. Unfortunately she was widowed about one year before we began our relationship and this probably had an impact on her neediness. I hope I will never put my children in such a position, but allow them to have full and happy family lives if their own!

  40. Amee

    Reading this i feel i m not the only one suffering..i got married two years back..m in india..and i never felt like i m married or i have a husband..my mil is so so possessive about his son..she never let us spend sone quality time with each other.every day she keep my husband awake till late to talk family and then when he is back in room he is so tired he directly go to sleep.we dont have any life.we are not allowed to go out anywhere alone.either we all have to go.or he will have to take her out leaving me alone at home..even she packed my honeymoon bag bcoz she ws so excited …she doesnt let me do it..even when m out she sleeps in the same bed with my husband ..n she reaaly sleep awkward..many a times she tells me that she had let me marry him.bt she have not sold him to me..he is his son first..n his first responsibiltiy are they..n we dont have any married kinda life..we dont even talk to each other for days coz we she is always consuming his time..she straight fwd denied me to call him after our engagemnt bcoz during day time he is wrkn and at nite they need to talk and sleep.and before our marriage she used to sleep with him only..

  41. syd

    I feel like I am in this exact situation with my MIL. The controllingness has moved on to a very different scenario than most people but my MIL is so possessive that she has stolen my husbands daughter. She is in complete need of control and doesnt accept me in any way, shape or form. I have to sit in her company whenever we have family events or do things with my in laws. I was able to deal with it for a long time but now when we do have visitations with my husbands 4 yr old daughter she tells me things that “grandma” says about me. I really dont understand why she hates me so much and she will go to any lenth to make sure I am not the mother of my husbands daughter. The situation is out of control that no one can even talk about it and its very hush, hush. This brings constant arguements between my husband and I, in fact its the only thing we argue about. I am suppose to “let it go” and not worry about it because my husband is use to this giant shit show. How can I stand by and let all of this happen and just go along with it? We are both raising 2 of our own kids together and are stable and my husband is very much attached to his daughter but he can not face his mother to tell her he wants his daughter back. I just dont know what to do, i feel so stuck and i dont understand why everyone is okay with the situation. I feel helpless, he has full legal custody and the mother has not been around for 4 yrs now. His parents were there in a time of need for my husband before we met, but now they have fully taken control over his daughter, they tell us when we can have her and often tell us no. My husband feels he deserves to lose her because he wasnt there when she was a baby but its been time to step up and take her back now and she loves her daddy and always wants to come over to daddys house, so why cant she? I dont know how I can ever let this one go and i dont want it destorying our marriage, his mother needs to give up the child and face the music.

  42. melissa orcinolo

    Wow. I feel like I’m reading my own stories.
    I have been married for 14 years to a man with a crazy, narcissistic, rude mother.
    It took me 13 years to call her out and to leave her son who always sided with his mother. 3 kids and years later, I don’t know how I dealt with it for so long. Since being separated, I feel like my husband is finally seeing how destructive his mother was to our marriage.

  43. Mary honeygail

    Hi ladies,
    I came to this website after reading multiple forums for the past month or so. I guess I’m looking for an answer to a question I was so afraid to ask.
    Should I leave my partner?
    I met my partner a while back and we’ve been happily together yet we have a major issue in our relationship due to his mother.
    We’re a biracial couple and different religious backgrounds
    Our ongoing fights are due to my partners inability to emotionally disconnect from his mother. It started with Xmas last year (we were living abroad) when he asked me to come back to his country to meet the family. I applied for a holiday from work and was very excited at the direction our relationship was heading. Only a couple of weeks later he sits me down to explain that I can’t go with him as his mother does not want me in her house seeing I am a stranger and it’s too soon. I was heartbroken but we moved past it.
    In January2015 we started making plans to travel together in may to an exotic location after much calculations we realised it wouldn’t be feasible as I am working woman while my partner is still a student. We simply couldn’t afford it.
    On that note he made the suggestion to go to his home country and see his family this time his mother made a huge fuss that he should be going back to visit his family without me as she hasn’t seen him for a while. He insisted I come and I stay with him in her house.
    We planned our trip and my gutt feeling was to not stay in the house and I spoke to him about how I feel uncomfortable staying there. Anyhow fast forward a week before our flight to see his family and his parents were discussing where to having diner the night we fly in. A specific dad’s favourite restaurant came up and when he said we can’t rat there because my partner always gets foodpoisioning from their food a fuss was made however in the end they agreed on another restaurant but with a comment of “your brothers birthday is coming up while you’re here and he will choose his restaurant and she doesn’t get a say about it” when my partner told me this I was shocked that he didn’t see anything wrong with that sentence or attitude. So we had a fight about it and how he shouldn’t allow his mother to throw comments like that about me. So he decided to speak to her again and explain to her that her attitude was not in the right place specially that he only requested we change the restaurant due to food poisoning not me being picky.
    We land in his home country, his parents tried to be welcoming. We drove a long two hours back to their house and when we stepped foot I was immediately filled in on the house rules of where to wear shoes and where not to. Fair enough, it’s their house. However this could have been done by my partner but they took this opportunity to send a message. You’re under our control. Fine. No issues.
    To spare you the boredom of details. That trip went horribly wrong (fast forward one week) and it’s his brothers birthday we went into the city as everyone in the family was at work, my partner and I decided to go have lunch and catch a train later in the evening to meet his family for his brothers birthday. Chance happened that we missed the train so my partner called his brother to tell him we are catching the next one and we’re running 30 mind late. His brother then surprisingly said that they came home “early” from work and decided to go to the restaurant early therefore by the time we get there it would be too late and he asked to just home and they will come back later in the evening.
    My partner was steeply upset abd felt guilty. We decided to try regardless and make it to the restaurant. We show up nd his mother gives me a deadly stare and does not say hello. There were only 5 chairs and none for me. You see, this was also intetional. Anyhow the waiter pulled up a chair from the office of the restaurant as they were supper busy and didn’t have any spare ones. We apologise we are late and tell his brother we’d like to take him out for dinner the following evening and he refuses and says he has a work gathering at a nightclub. My partner asks if we could join and his brother says no. His father try to mend thus by adding it’s a work thing so you don’t work with him so you can’t go obviously.
    They finish dinner, we sit sipping on water awkwardly and after we drive home.
    I go immediately upstairs to the bedroom giving him and his family some privacy knowing that his mother is about to snap.
    She did. Two hours later I come down to place some of the water glasses in the kitchen. And they are all gathered talking about me to him. I was mortified! I pretended I didn’t hear placed te glasses in the dish washer and bid them goodight.
    I go upstairs and try to sleep but my mind wouldn’t let me go to rest in a house where I an not wanted. My partner joins much later I ask what was that about and he tells me the brutal truth.
    His mother sees that I’m a gold digger,ignorant, rude and simply hates me. She couldn’t wait for us to leavein three days this to him later over the phone. She found the need to do it while I was presumably sleeping upstairs. I hold back ny tears abd explain to my partner that first thing in the morning I am packing and leaving the house. I ask him the favour of dropping me to a hotel near the airport where I will wait the next two days to fly backhome. He goes to sleep and I don’t. I stay up all night.
    The next day he wouldn’t let me leave alone and fast forward we go to the hotel cone back to his house to return his parents car and his mom walks in. I leave th e house and head to the train station where I waited for three hours alone.
    Much happened during that time and when we came back to our resident country.
    He had to leave a month ago to finish his studies in his country, he was meant to fly back two weeks early to attend his parents birthdays. I cried and told him if he leaves and goes to that birthday weekend then we are through. I was hurt that he could go on as if nothing had happened.
    While we were in his home country he left me the next day after we stayed in the hotel to go see his mother to take her for dinner because of how upset she was. He said when he comes back in the evening we can go watch a movie. When he came back he said his brother told him he can come to the work nightclub but I can’t join cause he won’t be able to get me in. I flipped out and was shocked at him not seeing what that meant and how could he ask me something like that. He then politely told his brother can’t come. That’s ofcouse after he so naively told me’how bout I ask him if he can try to let you in’ and I said hell no.
    The day before our flight back home he went to see his family for a goodbye dinner. Fine. It’s his family.
    When he came back 8 hours later in the night I asked him did it go and he said it was nice and that they played board games. I snap. “board games! Like everything is normal? ” (board games is a family tradition with them they do it all the time)
    Anyhow that’d why I did not want him to go back home for their birthdays. Much drama happened about that. He never told them the truth of why he could t make it back and why he postponed his flight for 10days.
    Now the twist.
    He had a sit down with his mother after he moved back to his country. After much persuasion from my side that he must have a sit down otherwise how can we survive a long distance?
    She agreed that yes in the far future she will come to terms with the relationship and she will turn a new page on the condition he stays with the. For Xmas and doesn’t fly back to see me.
    We had a massive fight and a break and we spoke about it. He said she threatened th at he’d have no family if he doesn’t attend Xmas with them and so on.
    Tonight he speaking to his family about me flying in to attend Xmas with him but they should have the Xmas dinner outside of the house etc so I could attend it. He said if she refuses then she lied bout everything she told him and that then he will come to see me in Xmas.
    What do you think? Should I stay? I don’t want to be divorced in the future truly
    What do you think!? Is this ma

  44. Rob

    My mother-in-law is 85 and she has her adult child so brainwashed that he cannot do anything without talking with her first. He still calls her “momma” (which for a 49 y/o man to do is super creepy).
    The irritable old thing interferes with everything. When we were house-hunting, she said with sincere focus “make sure there’s a room with a bathroom attached for me so I can stay with you.” When my partner was starting a new job, she told him “make sure you are off days to get me to my doctor appointments.” Everything my partner and I have accomplished together she brags to others as “look what my son has done” and makes it come across as his having done everything single handedly. Twice last year we were going to go on much-needed long weekend vacations and each time she interfered with “please don’t go, I don’t feel well and I want you close.” Which resulted in us staying. Magically she revived each time.
    Her latest kick has been to tell her son how she was going to divorce her abusive husband at the time but became pregnant with him so she had to stay with the man who was abusing her. She takes it further by telling him that by giving birth to him at an older age it depleted her body, but she loves him and she doesn’t blame him.
    I don’t advocate violence, but I’m about to shove the vile harpy down the stairs.
    She has this trick when her adult children are not obeying her, she does this deep sigh and “deflates” herself and puts on the sad face and everybody jumps to please “momma.”
    When she isn’t the center of attention she’ll say things like “i have the feeling I’m not gonna be around much longer” then springs back to life when everybody clusters around her.
    Most recently we were planning an outing to celebrate my partner’s 49th birthday. She called him and demanded he come over as she had shit all over the floor at her apartment (something that’s never happened before or since) and needed his help to clean it up. 3 hours later (as my partner scrubbed her feces out of the carpet from the living room, through her bedroom to the bathroom), with a cancelled dinner and cancelled plans for the evening, she was “pleased as peach pie that I got to spend time with my son on his birthday” (her words when she received a call from one of the out of town adult children). I sat there in utter shock as she explained it. Who does things like this? Sometimes I wonder if it really happened or if I imagined it, it just feels so unreal and insane. Worse, he behaves as if his mother is some innocent saint through this all.
    She has finally gotten to a point where she needs to be placed in a facility. She demands her own room, accommodations that are on par with a hotel resort and won’t take anything less. Interestingly, when she placed her own mother into a facility, it was a traditional hell-hole you think about when you think of small town retirement homes.
    The first time I went with my partner to meet her, she had a list of chores she expected us to do for her on the first visit. Yea, being 100% serious here…

  45. L.L.

    i notice the narc mothers tend to be blobs. that is the best way i can explain it. they have all the energy to run around and meet people but no energy to clean or take care of themselves (cleaning/shopping/bills). they never make any plans for the future, that will be the sons problem to figure out when they dump everything on him because they do nothing to plan or take responsibility. yet they think they are superior, they are clowns.
    sadly these horrible people live a long time torturing their victims till the end. they are very careful with health, so they live long. they never do not go early. too bad for the rest of us good people.

  46. L.L.

    the son, is supposed to disconnect from his family and go the wives family at marriage. it is Biblical. that is why a dowry was paid. any other arrangement is wrong and will not work. mommies should be cut completely out of men’s lives as well as sisters aunts grandmothers or any woman who could circumvent the wife. mommies should focus on their husband and daughters and other family only.

  47. Rose

    I am so glad to have found this site. I am a recently engaged 25 year old and I have just discovered that I’m NOT crazy! My fiancé’s mother mirrors MANY of these stories. We have struggled with his mother’s interference and cruelty for our entire relationship. Now that we have gotten engaged and moved into our new house, things have escalated to such a stressful degree that I am contemplating calling off the engagement, moving out and running as fast as possible. She has already started turning the rest of the family against me (including his grandfather, who is dying) and I feel so lost. I am constantly anxious and unhappy. My fiancé says he stands up to her, but he doesn’t. He won’t tell her that her behavior is out of line. I’ve always wanted children but now, the thought of having kids and having to deal with her psychotic behavior sounds like the worst thing I could do. She constantly talks about his ex girlfriend (they dated in HIGH SCHOOL)and even invited her to our ENGAGEMENT party. She torments me contstantly by bringing up his ex gf and how “skinny” she is. She constantly calls and texts my fiancé telling him how horrible we treat her. We don’t do anything! I have blocked her on all social media and she has made new profiles so she can stalk me. It’s so out of control and it hasn’t gotten any better. We have tried counseling and he always says the right things and then BOOM–he doesn’t stand up to her when she goes on her crazy-spree. His father is like a puppet and follows anything she does. His mother has coddled his youngest brother so much that he will never move out and she has taught him to have no interest in women. I once asked if her youngest son would have a girlfriend, and she replied ” God I hope not!” WTF!

    She gets insanely jealous of everything–my fiancé surprised me with tickets to a concert on my birthday and she complained that he probably spent too much money on them. On our anniversary of dating, he surprised me to a weekend in the mountains and she didn’t even ask how it was–also told him that it was a waste of money.

    She also goes in random sprees of being kind and normal. When she is nice I become very anxious because I know she is preparing for another “strike” as I have come to call them.

    My heart is telling me I love my fiancé and I need to fight this monster. Yet my gut and my head is saying GET THE HELL OUT while I still can. Can a son raised by such an extreme narcissistic personality disorder mother truly cut ties with her? And successfully have a marriage with another woman? Someone….help me!

    • Sassypants

      I have been with a man whose mother I think has this personality disorder. It took years before he saw it too. You would think that would make it easier, maybe it does but it doesn’t change the affect she has on me and indirectly our relationship. It has gotten worse with every milestone of our lives. Moving in together, marriage, pregnancy, baby… I am 33 years old, we’ve been together for about 10 years. I get grey hairs from stress, I have developed a heart condition and lose sleep over her antics and honestly just the mere thought of her. We will be moving far away in a few years but I feel the damage to our relationship has been done, now I just try to protect my son from it and her. I find myself feeling resentful of my husband, for being married into his family and feeling obligated to let her be around my son. If god forbid something happened to him she would never see my child again. We want more children but I’m afraid she will become even more crazy, if I could go back I’m not sure I would have done things the same way with my relationship.

      My husband is proof that a man can see his mother for who she is, but It doesn’t mean she still can’t ruin your marriage. When my children are older I will advise them to marry someone whose mother is either gone already or lives very far away. If I ever divorce, which I have considered for the sake of my son and my own health, I will NEVER marry a man with a living mother again. I am scarred for life!

      Here are some things she has done just to give you an idea of where I’m coming from. My husband had to take me to the ER for an asthma attack once, she called while we were there and started to tell him how she thought she had asthma too. She has tried to get my so to call her mom. She’s a habitual liar. She has talked badly about me and even my husband to my son, on her first and last unsupervised visit with him. She told me on a visit that my son would rather sleep next to her than us. She showed up with furniture she picked out for our new house. She thinks she is allergic to everything and accuses me of putting certain spices in foods I cook. I do not exaggerate, every visit its a new allergy. My son cried whenever she came around for the first 6 months of his life, he would not let her hold him. No one likes her, she has admitted to no one ever liking her throughout her life and not knowing why! She had a hand in ruining her own brother’s marriage.

      I cannot tell you what to do but I will say one thing, I don’t think love only happens once. things will likely only get worse, based on my own experience and from forums I peruse. Good luck I do wish you the best!

    • MK

      The answer is: run. As fast as you can. And don’t look back. These women are missing something in themselves and in their lives. They will do anything to fill that gap but the easiest/closest answer is their son(s). You will be constantly be doing this ‘fight for your space/position’ for years and years. Think of how emotionally tired you are now. How will that feel after 20 years of her BS? This does not get better, only worse.

      Remember, you have a very tiny drop of time in the ocean of the universe. Do you want to spend that drop, or any part of it, miserable? And miserable because of some woman’s inability to let go of her son and his inability to let go of her? It is hell, my friend, and one I would advise running from. I wish I had.

  48. anna

    oh dear! whatever to do with these women that feel their sons “belong to them”. I have been with my partner for 6 years. I was previously married and have a son whom my partner has a great relationship with. Our life is happy… when MIL is not around, but even when she’s not around physically, she’s like a shadow in our life.

    My MIL is quite different to the one’s described above. She is divorced and “seems” to be a saint when you meet her. I’m actually contemplating whether I am the one with the problem 🙂
    I’ll start with her divorce. Divorcing was something my partner gave her “permission” to do. She always says that she stayed in the marriage for her children. She or my partner don’t even realize the burden she has put my partner through having to decide for her to get divorced. Him doing that…subconsciously gave him the responsibility! She didn’t even attend court. My partner did that for her.( freaky). He saw it as “helping” his mother and not letting her go through a situation which was awkward. HER situation. She is always telling both her children how terrible their father is(which he isn’t….he just can’t stand her) therefore they have no relationship with him…yet she is also always saying how they should :))
    Our everyday life includes her calling many times during the day, whether it’s just to say hello to him, tell him something that she thought about, something that might have happened at work, something she needs or just to say goodnight. it doesn’t matter what time it may be, if she wants to call she will call. And It’s ok with my partner. If they don’t speak that many times he will call her himself and ask her why she hasn’t called. She used to come over 3-4 times a week but when i couldn’t take it any longer, i chucked a fit and now it’s every bloody weekend. It’s like we are not allowed to spend time alone at the weekends because we do that on weekdays even though we both work till late. It might be a Sunday lunch which will last until late, a Saturday night so that she has something to do on her Saturday. She might decide she wants him to escort her somewhere whether it’s a wedding or a funeral because she doesn’t feel comfortable going alone…and he will leave me and go. She never misses an event because she has the need for people to like her and think she’s fantastic. We have come to a point that we have no social life because we don’t have time for it. we don’t meet with friends or go out because if we have time…we have to spend it with her. She has no friends to do things with because she has my partner.
    Oh she is also a little helper 🙂 She always wants to help and tells my husband that all the time. If she feels like cooking, she will cook for us and tell my partner regardless if i already have cooked. and she cooks terrible but my food goes in the rubbish bin cause it’s a shame to throw hers away since she made an effort ( my partner says).
    A huge problem that I have with her is that she talks continuously. NON STOP! she might say the same things over and over but that’s ok as long as she hears her own voice. It doesn’t stop. She is always saying what a great mom she was, how she sacrificed her life for her children ( which is not the case), gossiping about people, how people have wronged her, about who is ill, about who is going to die soon…OMG all this negativity and it’s every weekend! my partner seems to enjoy it because i think they haven’t got anything else to talk about other that other people. when he gets tired of her, he just surfs the internet on his telephone and lets me deal with her. sometimes i swear i feel my head spinning 🙂
    She has the need to know about everything and especially us. And she does, cause my partner tells her. She even knows my work schedule..which i forget sometimes. She talks about me to other relatives ( in a bad way) and i know this cause i overheard her. When i told my partner he said i must have misheard. She always tells my partner how nice i am…but on the other hand she always tells him that she never sees him anymore, how she doesn’t want him to feel guilty after she’s gone that he never spent enough time with her. She always needs something, change a light bulb, something moved from one room to another…and he has to rush and do it. If he doesn’t she puts a sad face on and the guilt trip begins. Last summer she asked me what we were planning on doing, and when i told her she started complaining that she’s alone and would love to go on a holiday. she was basically trying to push herself on us. When she realized it wasn’t happening ( again, i had to fight with my partner about it) she got her daughter to talk to me about it. My suggestion was…”why don’t you take her with you?” Never happened 🙂
    If it’s Christmas or Easter, it’s only fair to include her in everything so she’s not alone, but she’s always trying to change our plans. she is too lazy to arrange something at her house but when we invite her either to our house or my parent’s…she will always says ” uh….how nice…of course i wanted to have you over at my house…but oh well”
    There are so many other instances i could mention, but it’s probably pointless. While writing this, it’s so clear that the problem is my partner who allows her to act this way. He actually allows her to try to take my place, to be number one, the victim, the poor little woman who needs protection. We have fought about this so many times. Sometimes he agrees with me and sees the reality of things. i must say, him stopping her in being in our home all the time and seeing her at weekends was a huge step for him even though she still asks to visit everyday but it’s just not enough. I don’t want my partner to stop having contact with her because i believe in family and i like family. a Healthy family. this is not healthy i think. I need for my family to be independent and emotionally free and i surely don’t need a 55 year old child ( yes she is young). It’s a baggage and it’s heavy and my partner is the one who is bringing it upon us. He has been raised to feel responsible for his mother and his sister. he is a father, a husband, a son and a friend in MIL’s life and if he even tries to escape from that he feels like he is betraying them. What a shame cause we truly do love each other. i guess he loves his mother unconditionally. Just like i love my son. I just hope i never become like her. It seems clear what i have to do next. My partner and i have been fighting about her again the last few days over another stupid thing. I was making a traditional soup and he insisted i made it just like his mother does. I told him he should go to mummy and eat soup together and leave me alone.
    I guess MIL wins cause she’s worked hard on her son for all his life. he has been programmed to be at her beck and call and anything less makes him a bad person.
    sorry if this took so long, i guess i needed to tell someone and sometimes talking to strangers is easier and more helpful.
    Thanks

    • Tofuti

      Anna, you’re story is the most similar to mine. Very manipulative, yet says nice things about me to my husband’s face. She’s helpless in her own life and has programmed my husband since childhood to be her protector. His parents are divorced now for 20+ yrs, yet her present life and problems are still my FIL fault! She takes no responsibility for her own choices. Her other son wrote her off years ago, but she doesn’t understand why he won’t let her only granddaughter come visit Granny in her drug den with all the loses she associates with. The DEA even knocked on her door last month and my husband still wants us to visit her for the holidays! It’s extremely frustrating running interference constantly since he is the only person left that cannot see her for what she is!

  49. Tofuti

    My story is similar to a lot of yours with one exception: my MIL doesn’t talk bad about me or “try” to break us up. She’s so good at manipulation and being a professional victim. My husband runs to her every need and supports her lifestyle so that she can continue to be unemployed.
    We have been married for 3 yrs, together a total of 8. There were absolutely no red flags before our wedding, but after is when she stared to realize that her favorite son wasnt going to be there for her. She’s an addict, an active one. She also doesn’t work because she is a drug dealer (selling her own prescriptions). My husband knows all of her dirty secrets but defends her because he is a recovering addict. She knows he went to rehab but sucks him back into that life by offering him medication. I’m afraid he’s relapsed because his behavior over the last year is so different than what he used to be. Her other children won’t have anything to do with her and I won’t allow her around our children. I experience loneliness and disrespect daily from them because they’ve made me the “dumb wife”. I’ve not been shy in expressing my feelings to my husband, but he’s done nothing to change the dynamic and instead tells me that I’ll be much happier if I’d just forget about it. My family has recently informed me that they don’t feel comfortable visiting me because they have jobs they’d like to keep and don’t want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
    I am at the end of my rope. I’ve shared my feelings with him many times and banned her from the children’s lives, yet their dysfunctional relationship continues unfased. My BIL tells me that I’ve done the right thing because it’s what he had to do, but my husband doesn’t see her for what she is. He argues with everyone in the family that they’re wrong about her, but he’s her only saving grace. No one wants anything to do with her and I’m just her latest victim of ppl that she’s successfully removed from her sons life.
    I’m at that crossroads where I know I’ve said everything that can be said and all others options have been tried. Thus website was helpful but sad, because I realize if I stay my life will be like this forever. I cannot continue to be his 2nd choice while she uses her son as her “husband”. The only reason I haven’t divorced him is because I would rather be miserable and shield my children from her than think of my happiness first. If I’m gone then there won’t be anyone there to protect them from her.
    Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

  50. Anonymous

    This article and reading others situation has made me feel so much better, and understood. I’ve been with my partner for three years as of last Monday.
    We moved to his home state shortly after we got together, due to a job offer.
    His entire family lives within the county line, and I was feeling uneasy instantly by witnessing the way they interact with one another, extremely tight-nit and involved in each others lives.
    We moved 70 miles north from them, but since my partner lost his license, his mother calls and guilt trips me into driving for each occasion, we even spent my partner’s birthday and my own birthday with his family.
    I’ve tried multiple times to make him understand that I feel very hurt by him not wanting to spend time with me, make memories with me on holidays, and just all around want our private time.
    Whenever there has been an incident and I’ve asked him if he feels it’s right, he remains adamant on not getting involved and has even told me if I don’t like it, I should be the one to deliver the news, and he’s not going to get involved.
    On our second anniversary, his mother called me to wish me a happy anniversary (which I think was very sweet), and at the end of the phone call her actual intentions came out, which was to campaign for ME to reconnect with a previous family member of my spouse, and told me I should drop the hatchet. Won’t go into much detail, but this family member was extremely intrusive, inconsiderate, and pinned my partner and I against one another to cause fights. I told her in fact no, I am NOT interested in reconnecting because I know it’s not going to be beneficial for my overall happiness in our relationship. Unfortunately, she isn’t the type who understands the word “NO”. It’s always, …yes, but don’t you think that you should do it anyway? Yes, but…don’t you think you should do this instead? Even after I say no, it’s still me being involved in a negotiating session.
    Since we’ve been in my partners home state, we’ve spent all the holiday season and family occasions suck as; BBQ’s, social gatherings, birthdays etc. with his family. My partner hasn’t even MET my own family, nor even asked to speak with my mother, yet his mother has my number and calls me quite frequently.
    So earlier in the year, I stated that my partner and myself would not be attending the holiday season and in fact would be out of state, to visit my family. (Which isn’t true, due to expenses. I really want to spend this time home, and NOT have to drive in holiday traffic, and watch everyone else get inebriated, and carry the responsibility of getting us back up state)
    When they heard the news they seemed to hear it and brush it off. But I knew with this holiday season creeping closer and closer, it would be brought up again, which I told my spouse would happen and he said he’d handle it.

    Well, I got the call as expected and a pretty nice guilt trip to go with it. Being told that no one was coming to Thanksgiving this year, since my partner’s uncle is moving out of state, my partners other uncle and wife would be spending the holiday season with the wives side of the family, and the cousin who lives on the west coast won’t be coming either. Which then lead to her asking if we’d come to Thanksgiving. After informing her that I already gave ample notice MONTHS ago, we weren’t going to be attending. I was then hit with, ” It’s just his grandparents are getting older, and I think it’s their last year.” Which is what I was hit with last year, and I told her how that really didn’t seem like an appropriate thing to say to someone and it hurt my feelings, she promised to never say it again…funny how quickly she forgets when her urge to get what she wants comes into play.

    I’m honestly at the end of my rope, when I look at my partner I feel completely happy and the only thing I desperately want to be worked on, is how close he is with his mother, and his inability to ever tell his Mother NO. I can’t start a family with my partner knowing that if we were to ever have kids, they’d be seeing my spouses side of the family 90% of the time, and my own 10% of the time. Not to mention the guilt tripped manipulating mind games that would come with it.

    I don’t know how to break through anymore.

    • Sue

      this was posted in the wrong spot

    • Sue

      I’m warning you from experience.
      I thought my husband was honest. I married him. I loved so many things about him. He even promised me that he wouldn’t have anything to do with his mother after we got married.
      HE LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Do NOT fall for the lies like I did. We had 2 children and now he’s ripping them from my heart to put them in Danger with his Sociopath mother. Like the article says, they have to put you first and separate from that evil. Make sure your man does that for a very long time before you get married to him. I still do want to fix our marriage, however, getting it through his head is impossible. And for your sake our marriage has not been a loving marriage because of their relationship. Think about it for your sake…….I have never been sooooo stressed out in my life!: Loosing my hair, sicknesses I’ve never had before, crying all the time, and not doing all the things with my family that I should be doing.

  51. anon

    My DH mother is always conning him out of money. It is sad because he is not wise enough to notice when people are using or insulting him. He never admits that they did/said something wrong. He cannot see they are evil. He always blames me and my family though when clearly they are the ones who start fueds. His whole family has personality problems. Type A narcissists who have a mean streak.

  52. carpediem

    Thank you for this great article. It is clear, concise and accurately describes how damaging a narcissistic mother in law is to her son’s relationship with his wife and children. I could very well tell you my own story but I’m afraid I would bore the readers. Suffice to say that my own experience is very similar all of the above with only a few tweaks.
    Here is what I have learned from this very sick and dysfunctional triangle:

    – A mama’s boy is a damaged individual who suffers deeply from the lack of love he’s received while growing up which is why he is will keep claiming it way past starting his own family. His mother will always hold him hostage to that love. She knows he craves it and will do anything to keep him for setting himself free of her hold which is why he will keep going back to her again and again.

    – Don’t try to change a mama’s boy as he is unwilling to change. How can you in your right mind ask him to choose between the woman who gave him life and you? He’s known her a lot longer so you really don’t count. If you’ve already uttered your “I do” it is already too late. Don’t blame yourself for not having seen the
    warning signs. They are usually so subtle that they are easily missed.

    – You are a threat to a narcissistic MIL. She really doesn’t care about you. In fact she doesn’t even care about your off springs (her grand kids) as they demand her son’s attention and take way time that her son could be spending with her.

    – This type of woman secretly wishes your marriage’s demise so the best way to not let her win is to hang in there as long as you possibly can short of suffering a nervous breakdown.

    – This woman most likely had a bad marriage herself and wants to see you suffer through yours. She loves to hear her son complain about you and will give him her full attention and empathy. A good mother in law on the other hand would be vested in having her son fix his marriage for the greater benefit of his family.

    – A mama’s boy will always be more intimate with his mother than with you so if you don’t want her to get an earful about you last pap smear share as few intimate details with your husband as possible. How sad that you can’t even trust your mama’s boy.

    It all sounds doomed, doesn’t it? It really doesn’t have to be though..
    You have a few choices short of walking away from your marriage. Remember that this is exactly what she wants you to do and you really don’t want her to win.
    Remember, it isn’t about her or him. It is about you. You want to live a full and happy life. By acting the way he does, he really doesn’t care if that life includes you. All he cares about is that he does good by mama as he is on this earth to seek her approval.

    So..here my two cents: live your life to the fullest whether he plans to go on that ride with you or not. Enjoy your children. You shouldn’t care if he chooses to spend quality time with his mama rather than with them, it is his loss and sadly he might never realize it. Have a nice network of friends as you will certainly need their support. No one has the right to infringe on your happiness without your approval. I for one had to cut the toxic monster in law out of my life to regain my sanity.. I don’;t do too well with blurry lines..

    Good luck to you all..

  53. sarah

    I typed in the issue I have been dealing with and this was the first link that came up. Reading this makes me feel better because I know I am not the only one with this problem.

    Where it differs with me is that we are not married, and I don’t think I even want to be married to this man. Sorry, boy. I am 28 and he is almost 30. He isn’t

  54. sarah

    Controlled by his mother but her attempt to keep him for herself is disgusting.

    She had 2 other children who are both in their 40s with another man. He died when he was 26 and gas cheated on her throughout the marriage. She remarried and had my boyfriend but shortly divorced this man (who passed away 10 years ago) and has found herself another man who she has been with for 17 years. She has said she is not in love with this guy, forces him to sleep in a twin size bed in a separate smaller room while she sleeps in a double bed in the master bedroom. Her three children receive more gifts and financial support then his biological daughter and grandaughter because “that is just how it is.” His daughter moved to a different province and has done very well for herself but that is besides the point.

    Getting back to the main issue, since she is clearly not in love with her partner I have always assumed she was looking to her youngest son for the attention she wanted. We have been together 6 years. She forces him to buy more expensive gifts for her then me. If me and him are arguing she will go out of her way to buy him things to gain his favor, she has lied about things to cause fights between us, she gets visibly jealous when he shows me affection and is constantly guilt tripping him into things.

    The funny thing is that my boyfriend is an asshole who can be quite selfish and is aware of her motives. He has had two other girlfriends complain about her in the past so he sometimes uses it to his advantage. But I don’t know how much more of it I can take. It is to the point that if me and him argue she will buy him his favorite food or if he gives me attention she can barely mask her jealousy anymore. I’m buying a car this week for Christ’s sake and she won’t stop saying how what I am choosing is a big mistake and my boyfriend has told me she is just jealous I will have a better car then her.

    Any advice? Because I don’t want to walk away. Plus walking away let’s her win.

  55. Harahp

    Hello,

    I have been in my marriage for 18yrs now. For the 1rst year of my marriage I tried to have a relationship with my mother-in-law because I believed in the “one big family” dream. I was looking for love from her. One day I shared my thoughts with someone who went and told her how I felt. She came over my apartment knowing that her son was not there to confront me. I was pregnant at the time and laying down due to vertigo. She was starting to get loud, when I noticed that the emotions were getting high I kindly asked her to leave and to return when her son would come back home. She told me that it was her home because her son paid the rent. I got up from the couch and walked toward the kitchen; then it happened. She shoved me and I flew across the kitchen and hit the counter with my belly. She then preceeded to choke me from behind. I manged to turn around and tried to run. But I was weak from throwing up all day so she caught me and grabbed my throath again to choke me. My two year old daughter was crying and trying to pull her away when she took one hand off me and shoved her off. I took that opportunity to set myself free and ran out the door to yell for help. She caught me again and covered my mouth with one hand and again choking me from behind with the other. I was on the stair landing. She now tried to push me down the stairs. I kept on thinking “it’s either I let her choke me or push me down the stairs. At this point God sen my downstairs neighbors’ son. I felt such a relief when his eyes met mine. The cops came and I did not press charges. I almost the baby had to stay in the hospital for 72hrs. Again God sent me help, the first doctor who saw me in the ER told me that there was nothing he could do too much bleeding. Then another one showed up and he would not give up on my baby. She is now studying to be a pilot.

    I told my husband that his mother is no longer allowed inside my house. I did not stop the kids from having a relationship with her. I told them no matter what they must respect her and show her love. She has made no more than 5 attemps to give gifts to my children, but has climbed Mt Everest for my husbands other two children out of marriage.
    He has resented me since then because she can not come to his house. During these years my children have felt the distance from him. If you know the song by Stromae “Où est ton papa?” that has been my children’s life. For 18yrs I thought some things were resolved, until two months ago he said something “I should not have ever let you stop me from letting my mother come to my house;” then I was stunned and realized that he still resents me and that I still don’t have a husband. There are things that you say and the tones in which it is said. There was anger and I felt put down. I faithfully and loyally served him through all of his mishaps in life. I find myself at an end. He also went on to say that “I was so blind when I was young that I did not know what I was getting myself into.” He knew that she hated me, but I was so blinded by the want to be loved and it can work because I did nothing to her:”So Why Would It Not Work?”
    I was asking for advice for me because the holidays are approaching and he is sad. He wants his mother to come and I am saying no. On top of the matter she dabbles in white magic. I DON’T THINK SO!!! I want to say that I am hurt, but not really. I am done with trying to satisfy people. I was the victim of a crime, I did not press charges because she was his mother, but he still looks at me as I am the perpetrator. As God is my witness I have never laid a hand on this woman, I could of hurt her that faithful night – there was a kitchen knife in my hand. I dropped it when I saw the thoughts that were coming into my head.
    I thought husbands were supposed to protect their wives from harm. He has confronted my mother, but never confronted his for my sake. We are now celebrating Chanukah and he is fighting with himself to be nice to us. We all see it.

    • Sue

      Holy crap Harahp, if this is all true then you were VERY WRONG NOT to press charges. However, I do understand why you wouldn’t because you were being nice to your husband probably. But your children should have come first. She shoved your daughter, she almost killed your children’s mother(you) and your child’s sibling.
      I’m living with a husband who wants to put our children in danger with his mother all the time. I know how hard it is. But also when the cops came I think they would have pressed charges weather you wanted to or not.

      • Harahp

        I was young and naive. I did not know how to put my dukes up. LOL. I still revisit the memories when he blames me. Example today, he stated that our marriage is not a success due to the fact that I stopped him mother from coming to our house. The last time I saw the marriage certificate it only mentioned two names – his and mine. But for some odd reason she is still present even though she lives close to 500 miles away.
        When I posted that comment I thought that there was hope for him. After today, the comments that were made to me after an extensive account of what has occurred in the past. He could not even mention the true words that applied to the incidents. The assault was taken down to blows not strangling. The slander of my name were just misunderstandings. The fact that I was sick with vertigo and could not cook not feed our child completely went over his head. So I give up hope for him I just want some tactics on how my children and I can live with someone like that.

  56. Donna

    My BF lives with his mother for the past 6 years due to divorce. Actually he hasn’t even gotten that divorce yet. So the ex is controlling, too. His mom washes his clothes and buys his underwear. She complains when he isn’t at home at night and “can’t sleep” until he gets home. When he visits me, she calls and talks and talks. She takes up my “date time” and I told him this. She lives with him but wants me to come and visit her, too, when I am in town and is upset if I don’t. I would like to date just him and not 2 people!! When he was married and living with his controlling wife and 4 children, they didn’t see his widowed mother at all and he feels guilty about this. I am divorced with 4 children, too who all are grown and gone. I don’t expect my sons to do everything for me. I live alone and love it! His mother knows about his lacking sex life in his first marriage, she even told me a story about his wedding night. He hasn’t even told me this but obviously he told her. I told him under no circumstances does she get to know the extent of our physical relationship. It’s NOT her business. As far as I know, she thinks we are chaste but once she asked him if he was sleeping with me when he came into the bedroom while I was drying my hair and putting on makeup. I closed the door as it was early and didn’t want to disturb her. We NEEDED some privacy at her house!!! I told him she shouldn’t even ask such a question. He said she didn’t really want to know, but I told him that’s just not true. We don’t ask questions we don’t want an answer for. And she started sleeping tin the living room since her knee operation where he sleeps when I am there and often sleeps other nights because of his leg restlessness. This went on for 8 MONTHS!!!! I told him to buy her memory foam and she actually started sleeping in her own room again. We’ll see how long that lasts. I refuse to come over and spend the night since she started doing that. We live 50 miles apart. I have suspected that she has no boundaries. She criticizes him a lot and he asks me why she does that. I said it was a habit but now I am leaning toward narcissist.

    • Mrs. GL

      LOL! “She buys his underwear.” I died! My MIL does the same for her 52 year old son, my husband. She’s a rude, disrespectful old rag who refuses to even call me by the correct name. For 2 years she has intentionally called me the wrong name, and when I’ve corrected her, she responds, “Oh, geez. It’s not that big o’ deal.” But it IS a big deal. It’s so dismissive. She calls my husband every damn week for SOMETHING that needs to be fixed, and he hops right in the car and drives across town to 1) put the closet door back on track, 2) put a nail in a broken drawer, 3) roll up the garden hose, 4) fix the screen door….blah, blah, blah. The thing is, there are 10 family members within 3 minutes of her house and she calls my husband. We live 20 f*cking miles away. We just bought a new home a few months ago and had the whole whacked out family over for a cook-out. I’ll be damned if I didn’t catch the hag in our bedroom, with my underwear drawer open taking pictures of my pretties! WTF is THAT???!! I told my husband and he chuckled. I wanted to throat punch him. There is nothing normal about this sh*t. He always argues, “If your mom needed something I’d help her.” Thing is, I can tell my mom NO. I have told her NO if she asks for something and it’s not convenient. He is absolutely incapable of telling his mother NO. For that matter, he’s also incapable of telling his adult daughters (my steps) (age 25 and 30) NO too. MIL had great influence on the girls when they were younger and they are self-important, spoiled, narcissistic brats, just like their grandma. WOW!!!! It felt so good to say all of that. It sucks!!!

      • Mrs. GL

        Oh, and my husband still occasionally gets mail at his mom’s house. She will open it, call him about it, and write little notes on the envelopes. “I’ve taken the liberty of contacting the IRS on your behalf to ask them to …….” “This must be a bill from when you had your biopsy. I thought your insurance would pay more.” “I wonder why you didn’t get approved for a Home Depot credit card. You make enough money.” It is SOOO f*cked up.

  57. Ingrid

    After reading this article and seeing all the comments, all i can say is thank you. My husband and I separated 8months ago after the constent tug of war now he is back with her even when we met i thought there relationship was more than mother and son he played the husband role. My question is how long does it take the heart to heeli kmow there is no hope for the marriage because neither of them thinks theres a problem.

  58. Ginger

    If my mil was any other woman it would be considered emotional cheating. My husband talks to her all day long telling her the little nuances of his day but when we get together and i ask about his day i get one word: fine, good, okay…….. Meanwhile she gets a fucking novel all damned day long. She barely talks to her own husband, her FOURTH, and places all her emotional bagage on her son/ my husband. I’m fed up. She is going to ruin her son’s marriage and he is going to let her. Because she wants to be up his ass 24/7 and he quite frankly, enjoys it. I cannot believe i got involved in this mess, any time i mess up he runs to his fucking mommy. I NEVER badmouth my husband to my parents. Because i don’t want them to dislike him when we visit. Not that he takes the time to visit, i usually go alone,he hasn’t gone to my parents in 5 months and we live 40 mi utes away. But he can make time for us both to see his without even planning with me, even thoughthey live 4.5 hours away. He just tells me two days before that my weekend off is now monopolized by his family instead of consulting with me from the get go. Andhe is offended when i get mad! You and your mother plan for us to visit and i am basically told to stand in line like some puppet a day before we go. He is such a mama’s boy, it is highly frustrating for me. We will probably divorce within five years becuase his mother is the main woman in his life, not me, his wife :,-(

  59. Dave

    I have this problem. I am a 40 yr old college graduate who has been through this twice. I will start with money, i have never done anything but struggle financially, borderline personality has left me with 30 plus jobs, never anywhere more than 3 years. Those relationships came and went too just like the ones from college. My 1st wife married me in 3 months and we were divorced in a year. My second, got pregnant in 2 months and Me having struggled financially used my venting outlet who created everything in this article. I now live in my mothers basement, no mortgage, no rent have my daughter half the time and I am still having income problems. My mother had the basement turned into its own house 2 br, living, bath, kit but she is constant and still expresses the hate above over my ex, insisting my ex is the narcissistic one but unfortunatly she is yet so is my mother. This makes me a loser,trying to rise above it by concentrating on not passing all this crap on too my daughter and raising her right and I have chosen not too have any relationship with anyone, because once you see crazy, you see it in everyone. Awareness is key to me working this out, should I meet someone I want too, well then I can worry about moving out and on. Otherwise I trt to teach my child differently the best I can

  60. Alison

    Thank you for sharing your stories and advice. I, too, believe no one has the right to rob you of the love of your children, husband, and yourself. My MIL started by planning my wedding and then claiming my husband and I were taking money from her. Never happened. My parents visited to help with the birth of our first child and then she came to help with the birth of our second. Our second child was a c-section and I was not feeling well. I came home from the hospital with our new bundle of joy to find that MIL had gone and purchased propane gas for the bbq and steaks. I was tired and not a big fan of red meat. While my spouse cowered outside on the porch, MIL waved a spatula one periously close to my fast, leaning in and bringing to to my neck growling that she had gone to all that trouble and I had better eat it. Terrific homecoming. Wish I knew then what I know now. It never got much better. Of the other many, many MIL tortures my next favourite was when she was asked to come over and watch my kids when spouse was in hospital recovering from difficulties due to a vasectomy. Instead, she went to the hospital to hold the bag of peas. Weirdness…

    I have learned long ago that it is wasted breath to point out the many MIL events (over 20+ years, they number in the hundreds). Spouse just gets angrier and angrier. He is cut out of the will due to me, which she lovingly told him by telling his sibling and then making sure the sibling related the fact. I have been treated as if I were not even a member of my own family.

    I am taking the advice of a previous contributor and not relinquishing the right to be happy to anyone. I will be polite to her, but in all other ways I have cut off contact.

    • Cat

      Phew, so relieved to know I am not losing the plot!
      I have only been with my other half for a few years. I have been trying to ignore the little digs, comments and constant manipulations by his mother. Recently it has gotten worse and I am really biting my tongue. Again, his mother dearest got involved to try to ‘help me’….hmmm….by telling me that all men cheat and it’s just a matter of who doesn’t get caught, he has to treat you better, what would you do if you left? Where would you go? God, I feel incredibly stupid for buying this bull now!
      Have been badgered for ages by her to ‘go for coffee’ when she senses trouble and I finally gave in. What a major mistake on my part! Always trust your instincts no matter how emotional you may be. Ugh…..I am following previous advice….steering clear from here on in. If I don’t engage then she has nowhere to go.
      Why can’t they as mothers just be happy for their sons?? They obviously love us….I am baffled by this. I am very chilled and non-threatening but still! Grrrrr…..vent over and feeling better after reading these very similar situations.
      May the force be with you ladies…..and lots of glasses of wine to chill!! 🙂 x

  61. Tanuja A Shahi

    I am literally so having an idea for the first time that what is actually going on in my life…. thank you so much people for sharing your experience…. mine is also as worse as yours… we are on the verge of divorce….. i am an Indian girl and did love-cum-arrange marriage. I want to spend my life with him which is because I married him obviously but its too complicated….. I cant even count how many times MIL has lied and have tried to separate us and finally its working out for her….. Are guys such losers and girls so pitiful that they will loose their love because of some psychopath mother, which is true in my story???? these crying games, acting innocent and what not I have dealt with… oh GOD! I am so sick of this that leaving him is the only option left for me now… 🙁 Its soo hard to separate when you still love the person right???? take care all…

    • Aysha

      Oh my god I am dealing with the same issues, and on the verge f divorce to be honest, don’t know what to do.
      I could really do with support and advice or just even somebody else to talk to who understands! If anyone would like to chat email me x

      • carpediem

        Aysha,

        I am sure most of us understand you and most likely feel the same way. The thing is that depending on our circumstances divorce might not always be the right path. Some of us would rather wait for our children to go off to college before getting a divorce so as not to upset the balance of the life they’ve always known. If you don’t have any children, parting is a lot easier.If there is one thing I have learned after 20 years of marriage is that a moma’s boy rarely ever changes and trying to change him is an uphill battle. Also, depending on your culture, some of them blatantly condone that behavior. The husband’s ties to his original family are unbendable. It is a very difficult situation and I feel for you.
        Best of luck!

      • leogirlee

        hi Ayusha,
        having similar situation, separated with hubby for 5months. things started back then when the mil frustrated of me for not having baby for 5 long years after trying. Suggesting me that if i am aware i couldnt have kid should not trap his son marrying me, keep on telling me bout divorce and divorce… same time, hubby said i am not ‘friendly’ to his darling sister. hubby has moved back and stayed with mil. by the way, my hubby stays with parents for 39 years till we bought our home and he moved out and started our own home. but we visiti mil every Sunday and hubby will be visiting his mum 2 days in a week for dinner. spend everyday talking on phone with mil. mil is controlling type, decide and interfere everything. i just got fed up with this kind of family. all my hubby siblings enjoyed been in controlled by mil. thats crazy…
        hubby has not try to salvage our marriage, my heart hurts.. but i know i can’t continue if hubby still can’t play his role in protecting me from been insulted. all attempts done by me to salvage this marriage, even went to look for mil to apologize as aware hubby cares bout her feeling, only to realise mil encouraged hubby to move back with her and took most of his things from our family home to mil’s house.
        i always wonder, God gave me a good hubby.. but he is a mama’s boy!! what did i do wrong to be treated this way??
        i am miserable.. and hurt. i dunno wat i can do.. i still wans myhubby. hope he will come back to me but i know this is impossible.. as he has not do anything to salvage our marriage except myself..

  62. Maria

    I am glad to have read your comments. I am so heartbroken right now. I thought I had finally found the perfect man at 43. I read a lot about codependent behavior and emotional incest. He just broke up with me out of the blue. Now I know it is because I ask how he expected him mom to move in with us. He never wanted me around her because he said she was a trouble maker and was overbearen. He talked about how she had been emotionally abusive. He makes great money. He always said she was supposed to be getting her own place. Come to find out it was her house. He has never lived apart from her and completely financially supports her. He has never had a long relationship. His best friend told me because of his mother. She told me how all of his Ex’s were trash. He has jumped from one to another. She is helping him raise his daughter. Cooks cleans packs his lunch. It is like they are husband and wife. He has poor self esteem because of her. I couldn’t understand why he would want his child around it. When I talked about getting a place he said his mom had to come. She’s always complaining something is wrong with her. Now she keeps taking his daughter to the Dr saying there is something wrong with her. She is 7. I told him she didn’t need to be putting a label on his daughter. When I said that about her moving in when we get a place he replied. I am tired of you being mean about my non…yet he never had anything good to say about her and that was all I said. He said she depends on me. I need my space. 2 days later he broke up with me and said he led me on. Never intended on building a life with me. Wish I had known all of this a year ago but seems he did the best thing for me…even though I am heartbroken.

  63. Ingrid

    Hm, with such a high percentage of people from all walks of live and socioeconomic statutes cohabiting these days I would probably replace the term “lover” with “partner.” I think “lover” has connotations of extramarital affairs (isn’t that how it’s used day to day — the wife versus the lover). Most of the persons I know who cohabit are not doing so with somebody else’s partner in life — they’re cohabiting and/or having children with THEIR partner.

  64. Lacey

    HI, so far I can pretty much relate to everyone here. I met my husband 5 years ago and we got married the same year. my MIL has dominated every facet of our marriage . My Husband cant make a life decision without talking to her. I have been the bad guy from day one according to her, my husband has never defended me to her , he just lets her say whatever she wants about me or to me and then says I brought it on myself. before we were separated I was required to spend all holidays at their house, and I rarely saw my family . I have a 2 year old little boy and one on the way , and to be honest I have had it. She tells him daily to just divorce me. we tried marriage counseling and he only went because he thought it would get him our son, she told him to do whatever it took to keep a close eye on our son.

  65. Julia

    So much like my ex husband and myself. I got out of our marriage because he might as well have married her instead. I was in that marriage for 19 years but had to go through another 2 years before divorce was absolute. Luckily 14 years on Inam great friends with my ex and his mum died about 6 years ago now. He still doesn’t ‘get’ why we broke up. She was Italian (yes I know) I should have run a mile though looking back on it now I was very unhappy at home myself with a narcissistic father and co dependent mother. I was an only child and was really struggling to stay sane. My husband would be on the phone three to four times a day to her and when we lived about 5 miles away would pop into her house on the way home (2hours later) when I had two kids under 5 to look after. She made out she needed him to help her with bills and cards as she couldn’t write though she could read.
    We ended up literally moving next door but one to her because I thought we might not lose the man of the household for quite so long but it got worse. She would let herself into our house with a key, have the children round her place. In the end I decided that if you can’t beat them you join them so I resolved that I would use her. I got her to babysit the kids when they came home from school, and do the ironing for all of us, cook for us and with the free time I had go back to school and go to university to train to be a teacher. In my last year of induction, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He went straight round to mummy. Because she didn’t want any rain on her parade, her friends lived all around us, she offered to return to Italy to live but I turned her down with the result that everyone would see the marriage was a sham. She knew all along what she had been doing but Inhad the satisfaction in the end.
    Now happily married again, I still go over and see my ex every so often but he still never ‘got it’.
    My only regret is that my son was indoctrinated by her and thinks I was wrong to leave. He has married and moved to Germany and I miss him a lot but at least I won’t be the wicked mother in law. My daughter still lives nearby.

  66. Help me

    I’m so very glad I found this site. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We live ten minutes from his
    parents. Husbands other brothers moved years ago. One is two hours away. The other is four hours away. Both my
    in laws have health issues. But won’t take care of themselves. When mil does go to the doctor she ignores what he tells her. She has severe edema in her legs/ feet/ ankles. She is diabetic. She has a serious hernia. My father in law has Parkinson’s.
    She is also totally computer illiterate. One night, about a month ago, she called because she was supposed to skype with her oldest grandchild but computer wasn’t working. Again. So calls late at night when I want feeling well and wanted his company. He told me he was going out there to fix her computer. My question to him after asking him to please stay home, was why does she have to skype? Can’t she call and talk on the phone? He got angry and walked out. What can I say to help him see she is being mean and controlling?

  67. Aysha

    I can relate to every woman on here one way or another and am too dealing with a controlling my her in law who not only controls my husband and put him against me making out that I don’t look after her or bother with and she’s totally obsessed with my son!!! I would love to chat with someone who is going through the same and understands! Anyone want to talk email me I need a good vent aaaaaaaaargh!!!

  68. Maria

    Well now mine seems to realize that he will never be happy until he breaks away. He supports her financially. He did say she can’t make it without him. I told her she is a grown women…55. She draws a disability check. I told him she can get help with rent and utilities. There is always a solution. I love him with all my heart and glad he is realizing how toxic she is to him and his child. He is a very handsome man with low self esteem and insecurities because all of the years of her abuse. My question is will he really break away? I couldn’t understand why you would live your adult life with a parent who still abuses you. I have come to understand the guilt she makes him feel. I think I have got through to him by explaining that a parent doesn’t make their grown child take care of them. Its selfish. She has broke him up with everyone, wants him with no one. I explained to him I have a 20 year old son and would never want him to sacrifice his happiness and life for me. It did take us breaking up and him thinking he was loosing me and I am glad that he opened up to me but I am not jumping straight back in until I see he is serious. I believe I will buy him the above mentioned books. He is truly the best man I have ever dated. I hate to loose him…but I have to think about how he broke up with me last time because I said something about her moving in with us. After all he never had anything good to say about her. He completely resents her. I finally got him to realize this is a disease and she has programmed his brain to believe he owes her. She puts himvdown in front of his daughter. He ask if I am willing to stand by him even though it might mean fist fights with his mom. The only way I believe this will work is if he cuts ties with her. Am I a fool to believe he loves me enough to do this?

  69. Mystified

    My situation is a flip of that coin. I am concerned about my husband’s daughter. Her mother took off with her when she was ten years old (at the time of their divorce), and her dad didn’t argue because he believed a young girl should be mostly with her mom. What he didn’t know was that the mom was confiding in and scheming with the daughter early on about things like finding a new family with more money and how to get dad to buy her more stuff. The girl came to live with her dad in High School, then back to her mom for a couple of years of Jr. College. Then she moved to another State with her boyfriend to finish her degree at a four year University. A year later, her mom followed, moving in with her and the boyfriend. She and the boyfriend married, and moved to yet another State. Again, her mom followed and moved in with them.

    We worry that a young couple starting out in life do not need a parent in the house, or the marriage, and it is bound to be disruptive. When the now adult daughter last visited, she said and did things that must have originated with her mother, so it isn’t much of a stretch to anticipate that her new husband gets some of the same.

    My husband and I were raised to believe that the best thing a parent can do is to raise a child to be a strong and healthy, competent and independent adult, and then to step back and watch them soar. Why some parents can’t do that is a mystery to us.

  70. Erin

    My daily life! Mommy is #1 and wife is #2 this says it all.

  71. Relieved girlfriend

    Today, Mother’s Day, I chose Not to go with my boyfriend (of 8 yrs) to visit his newly widowed mom in her new assisted living facility. We gutted her home recentally, tossing (more than keeping)her belongings, and while doing that, I came upon old letters from my boyfriend’s ex-wife 20 or so years ago, to his parent’s, explaining the same harsh conditions between all parties involved, and how she and her husband (their son), and grandchildren were going to distance themselves from the parents, for their own mental health.
    I’ve found an ally in a woman I’ve never met! She has given me strength she will never know I’ve received, and in a distant bonding, I wish her only well.
    The Mother’s Day card my boyfriend is taking his mother for me has a 3 edged sword enclosed…1. It wishes her a happy day, and 2. It has enclosed inside, the letters from the ex-wife, and 3. My statement that I am DONE. I am done with her shenanigans, and I am taking back my life, away from her manipulation, and two-faced emotional train-wreck she calls “love”.
    My boyfriend will continue his love-hate relationship on his own time…Yes, he’s said he’s just waiting for her to hurry up and die. I have better things to do, nicer people to be around, and a life worth living away from that messy situation.

  72. Nobodyinmarriage

    The happiest day of my life will be when my mil picture will be posted on milk carton.

  73. annmarie phelan

    I thought it was only me that’s it’s my fault the way I’m treated by my mother in law 9 yrs ago I met my bf she was hard to take from day 1 but I said I’m goin out with him not her but it got worse over the yrs she says some really hurtful things to me wen shes drunk with i know she has a problem with drink still doesn’t give her the right to abuse me I’m cutting a lond story short cause it’s unbelievable some of the things I had to put up with the final straw with me came 6 wks ago at my wedding both herself and my husbands brother had to much to drink and started on both me and my husband told all my friends and family she hated me I was a c**t and a whole bunch of names went to fight me and my husband she is 74yrs of age by the way but now 6 wks on after both of us not talking to her or him has somehow drawing my husband back in and tried to apologise to me but I’m not having it my husband has said now I’m making things acward by not jst letting it go I’m at my end I don’t think I’m able for any more it will never change knowing that my husband is back talking to them after everything they done and said at our wedding in front of friends and family i don’t no Wat to do

  74. Barbara

    Thanks for all of your hard work on my case and bringing John back in my life. I have never seen the results from a spell like the ones that I have seen from yours. You truly are the one person that I can count on in my life to be a friend. Mentioning friend, let me tell everyone reading my testimonial.. Mike is more than a friend, he is a person that takes person care of your case. I have been to many different sites (Ashia, Egyptian Witch sites, and several others) and I have been put off to counselors and several other different people have handled my case, to no avail. When I approached lordazeez1990@hotmail. com with my situation I was stunned at the personal service and attention to detail that he gave to my case. I will be back for more spells soon is what i told him

  75. Sab.

    Ladies..it is needless to tell you my story because you all already did.I have the feeling that all these mil’s practicing some kind of emotional incest. I also think it is funny how mil’s think they are better mothers. I beg to differ because each of us is married to their offspring. And we all shouldn’t forget that we can give these bitches there boys back to treat then like they think kids should get treated.
    So, we have a choice..staying with the boy who is married to mommy and wait till she meets here maker or divorce him and meeting a real man to be happy with.
    The choice is ours.

  76. Pollyanna

    I don’t know what to do and am reaching out for feedback! I’ve been seeing a man for 3.5 years. He’s my age, 53, never married (was engaged and lived with his ex-fiancee for a few years and after they broke up, he introduced her to her husband. They are good friends and his mom and her still converse a couple of times a week) and he’s been living with his 81 year old mother for 6 years, since his dad died (deathbed promise to take care of his mom).
    I’m divorced with 3 grown sons (trust me! My ex-MIL was a nice, loving person but my ex-FIL was a nasty piece of work who didn’t want us married and was instrumental in it ending 3 kids and 7 years later. MIL had a hard time cutting the apron strings and too many dysfunctional relationships, among other abuses, had an effect on my marriage. I made a promise to myself I would NEVER treat my DILs like they weren’t important and interfere in their relationships and I don’t).
    The first night we talked, he told me he was living with his mom and taking care of her. What I’ve since told him was that he didn’t explain to me was that taking care of his mom would mean that he would not stay overnight with me or would not have a weekend get-away or do regular ‘couple’ activities. He visits whenever he gets a chance and calls me almost every day.
    I’ve never formally met his mother, but a few months after we started dating, when he had her on speaker phone to ask how she was doing (we had driven by their place to make sure she was okay) and she asked who he was with and he replied, ‘your future daughter-in-law,’ I heard her say, ‘I don’t want no future daughter-in-law.’ When I asked him about it, he said she was just tired. I’ve never been invited for family holiday meals, yet when I’ve tried to break up (3 times now, the last time was May 27th), he tells me that his mom tells him to ‘make it right.’
    A mistake I made back then was not insisting that I meet her and that I become involved with his family. I’m not assertive and I’ve been in abusive relationships before, so because he wasn’t abusing me, I accepted his reticence. I have a feeling now that several of his siblings (and maybe his mom too) are rather dysfunctional and he was protecting me from unkindness.
    We’ve been looking at buying a house together over the past couple of months and I would make it work with her living with us, as she’s old and not well, but sometimes, it hurts me to hear how his siblings treat him. I’ve not really met them either and I don’t know if they don’t think I’m good enough for him (I’m not the same race as they are and make alright money, but I’m not wealthy and have wanted to move on with my life since he hasn’t been prepared to include me in his plans, which has hurt him), but when it’s just the two of us, or when he’s with my sons and their partners, we get along well and there is kindness and love between us.
    Well, his mother took sick on Aug. 29th and has been in hospital for the past 5 days. She’s in her own room and in isolation, as she has a weakened immune system. He doesn’t want me to visit her, saying that only 2 visitors are allowed at a time and he’s from a large family, so siblings are taking the slots for visiting, which I can understand. Nor does he think I need to send a gift or card, since he said his mom really doesn’t care about that kind of stuff.
    Since I’ve never met the woman, I’m not pushing him about it, however, it really hurts. I can’t be there to support him, he’s so used to doing things alone and he sleeps in a cot in his mom’s hospital room, to make sure she’s okay.
    I know that he’s not ready for her to die and she’s seriously ill, however, I have no idea what to do about this situation.
    I feel like ending the relationship, but don’t want to be the ‘b—ch’ because of the timing, yet, I’ve told him I don’t know what my role is?
    I’ve read in other relationship books (and have gone to several therapists) and the information provided is to leave him completely alone and if he really wants to reconcile, insist on being included in his life as his partner. I haven’t done that.
    I’m SOOOO tired of feeling like his mistress! He’s introduced me to colleagues and some of his close friends and the city we live in is small enough that people know we’re a couple. A few therapists have told me that he won’t truly be available until his mom dies. But even then, I’m not sure how he’ll be with the grief of losing her.
    The strangest thing is that he’s not even one of her favourites!!
    I’ve asked to go for couples’ counselling, but he’s got a counsellor he meets with every week, so he didn’t think things were bad enough to merit us going together.
    When I write this out, it seems pretty obvious to let him go. But when we spend time together, we get along so well, it’s been hard to actually do that.

  77. Bea

    Gosh! So many comments …. It shows that this is such a serious issue.
    I am possibly the picture of what will happen to all these ladies who have posted here if they do not realise that most likely than not, their husbands/boyfriends will NEVER really understand the depth of the tragedy of a mother/son relation in which the mother refuses to accept that her children are not her possessions; that they are their own persons.
    We blame our husbands or boyfriends but being a mother of two boys myself, I tell you that it is the mother’s *moral obligation* to let go of the child’s hand and teach him or her to be his or her own person.
    I have been married to the son of a very domineering, completely possessive and narcissistic woman who secretly, or not so secretly, hated and was hated back by all her three daughters in law. She has managed to destroy 3 out of 3 marriages and I prided myself to be the only one who had managed to survive but I was wrong: Indeed, I have managed to stay married for 30 years, but that was just because husband and I were too busy raising our sons, working in and out of the house and all the rest, to really take any notice of what was happening to our marriage.
    Over the years, all the time (not much) that we could have been alone as a couple or as a family, we were always supposed to attend some very noisy family gathering, of false cheerfulness and, of course, adulation of my MIL. Of course, my husband never said no to any of these gatherings. In fact, refusing to go would be understood as an offence to Mommy.
    First time I was introduced to my MIL, out of the frigging blue, she stated, in front of my own husband (then boyfried) that X (another girl my husband had been dating previously and not really an ex-girlfriend) was “really such a wonderful and nice girl, a girl any man would really want to marry” or “marriage material” or something to that effect. I was speechless but thought I had misunderstood her or something. In hindsight, I should have understood the whole situation: future MIL being the total b**** she was since day one, future husband not daring to react or even as much as say anything and me not understanding what the f*** was going on.
    I should have left my husband right there and then, but went ahead and married a guy who never grew up, who always put his mother first (like his 3 brothers did too), who grew up with a mother that kept repeating “the most important woman in a man’s life is his mother” like a mantra, a man who was so scared of growing up that did not want to have children, who managed to not even be at the hospital when his first son was born, who left his wife alone on New Year’s Eve running a high fever, because Mummy was throwing the umpteenth party and needed all her children with her, who for 10 years did not spend his holidays with his wife and children because his parents demanded his presence “to keep them company” so that he vacationed with them. They paid for his holidays but not for ours, so that, since we did not have too much money, I was forced to spend the holidays alone at home with my kids ….. and the list just goes on and on and on ….
    I had an extramarital relationship with another man 15 years ago. This man just sensed that my marriage was a farce and wanted me to leave my husband and go away with him. Eventually I did not because husband asked me to stay, because I did not want to break the family for my children, because I believed I could still save my marriage, because this, because that ….
    Fast forward to today and all is gone …. Children are out of the house, I , am unemployed, husband is unemployed and we have absolutely not one word, nothing to tell each other any more.
    And in case anyone is wondering, I am writing this alone at home, on a Sunday, late in the evening, because my husband is at his mother’s “keeping her company”, and because Sunday has always been “Mother’s day” (as are all other 6 days of the week….)
    I feel tremendous anger and resentment for all the times she let his mother meddle into our private lives, at all the quality time we could have had, that was so important to build our relationship and intimacy and that she never allowed us to have. I feel tremendous anger and resentment thinking that we could have been such a good, loving couple but for the “other woman” in my husband’s life……
    One of my MIL’s sons is single (never married), the other is a widower (the wife hated my MIL), the other’s marriage is going down the drain (wife also hates MIL) and mine is …. well …. soon it will be over too.
    So, for all of you young(ish) ladies, who are in a relationship with a man whose mother thinks – like my MIL – that the most important woman in a man’s life is his mother, please run, just *run* from the relationship because the situation will *never* change and you and your children will *never* *ever* be a priority in your man’s life.

  78. Ttletat

    I have this problem. Now my husband has moved to his mother’s house, says we are separated and that he will not be wearing his ring till we both live together with his mother at her house. Because he loves his mother and she has always been there for him and that he will not abandon her in her old age. However, had no problem abandoning me, our home, and marriage.

    So, I now live in the house we both lived in, he won’t help me support it and he now has become his mothers boyfriend. He takes her everywhere, they go to dinners together, to the movies and she has brain washed him on how bad I am and that he should not support me and or be there for me.

    In other words, she is looking forward to him getting divorced from me as soon as possible.

    He is hoping I run out of money and become unable to support myself and as he put it you can move in with me.

    I am quietly deliberating how I should approach this situation. It is very challenging and there is no talking to him about it. As he can’t see how manipulative his mother is.

  79. depressed

    Hi, I am another hurt woman. Going to therapist and will start taking depression medicines.
    I am only 1 year married and thinking of divorce. Stopped all contact with my husband.
    I try to break up with him since 7 months starting the first time i understood he will never value my feelings. He says he loves and cares for me but his actions don’t show it. He gets angry at me and stonewall to me when i try to tell him i feel like a third wheel and want him to be a man on my side and unite with me. I am terribly sad. I have to stop all contact because i know he is not good for my peace of mind. My mind is so confused and i feel like a crazy person. I feel like he betrayed me and feel a lot of resentment about the things happened. He said i hate him for caring his mother. THe truth is i dont hate him, i just need him to show me the care he shows to his mother. He keeps making excuses for his mothers actions. He says she is old and he is worrying for her. The woman is perfectly healthy , but just old having some joint problems.
    I wish i never met him because i used to be a happy, peacefull person but i became misarable in only 1 year.
    Thank you all for sharing. I want to believe i can be happy again and be in a relationship where i won’t feel unworthy, jealous and ignored.

  80. Liz

    I feel exactly the same as all there women. My MIL has been undoubtedly awful this past 5 years to her son my husband. I have defended him and stood by him the whole way through and now since we got married she has created a lot of problems in our marriage with her comments and he is completely defenseless against her, he even said that he is scared confront her. On the other hand I have a fiery temper and hate that crap. We recently found out we were expecting and we were overjoyed but after our scan we showed the pictures to MIL and while my husband was out of earshot she passed this comment ( my son was told he would never be able to have children but don’t tell him I told you) I was gobsmacked and hurt..I told mu husband the minute we were back in the car. He said he doesn’t know where she or why she said that. It really annoyed me so I wanted to confront her about it and my husband got cross with me for wanting to do this. It has caused a huge rift between us to the point that I think separation is on the cards. I am so heart broken I don’t know what to do.

  81. Susan

    I have been married to a great man for 14 years. I decided today to get a divorce. I feel his narcissistic mother literally abused me emotionally for the past 14 years and she physically endangered our kids on four occasions. The breaking point came when she held my daughter above her shoulders to me while her dog jumped up against her to try and get my daughter out of her arms. She refused to put it down. I stayed on her premises and refused my kids going there without supervision. My husband was aware that on that day our daughter had a tetanus shot but believed his mother that the dog was playing. On a family get together he was left to watch the kids while I vacuum a mess in the kids room to put them in bed. He left them to her mercy for not even long enough for me to complete vacuuming. She let them into the same room as the dog to watch TV and he instantly went for my 5 year old almost killing her, sending her for 5 years of suffering and bullying and 29 operations. She has not apologized once, did not pay for any of the surgeries and point blank lies saying it was not her dog. I guess most people let strange dogs who attack their grandkids sleep on their beds. I’m not one of them. This week I again told him I want nothing to do with his mom and if he can’t protect his family against her, I’m out. I overheard him talking to her about me yesterday. That was it. I do not want or need any more badmouthing from her. For the past year she has entered my house once, and afterwards I saw messages to him where she ranted and raved that she must get into his house because she needs evidence against me to see her grandkids without supervision. I mentioned the four times including the dog they almost died? The youngster sat on her kitchen table eating her chronic meds like smarties while she smoked in the next room. She let her fall out of the car door in her baby seat while she drove because she did not think maybe she should close the car door behind a two year old. She left her alone while we stayed on the same premises, but could not get into her house where my child sat crying. I’m sorry, there will be supervision as long as there’s any fight left in me. Even after the divorce I will make sure it is specified. After all of this and the ultimatum I gave, he will not even limit her calls or tell her to stop threatening me. She’s even made threats against my life. He is aware of it because I showed it to him. Yet it is all in my mind and the Christian thing is to respect his parents. Respect is earned. I won’t survive another month with her in my life just because she has to be in his. I’ve gone through submitting to her, to being polite, to cutting ties and he’s never once stood up for me. I don’t see any other way out.

  82. My mil is a supposed Christian woman and she wants to use the religion to get her way now especially now that her husband divorced her. I’ve been married to her son for 21 +years. We have to kids both adults now. We live in Florida and she lives in Pennsylvania. She came to visit in the beginning of the year and stayed with us for three weeks.she went to church with us and I was talking to her after the service and introducing her to the congregation. A brother from church heard me call her mom and then he asked me if she was my Mom and I said no she is just my mil. I said to him I’ll introduce you to each other. He shook her hand and said that she was an elegant woman. Knowing my mil she got weak in the knees. When she left back to Pennsylvania after three weeks of staying with us,she called my husband and said that she believes that the Lord has put a revelation in her dream that he is the man of her dreams and that she should come to Florida to be with him. Mind you that she only met him one time and all he did was give her a compliment. She still wants to come to live here in Florida but I’m not convinced that she wants to do it for spiritual growth like she says it is. My ex girl pays her $650.00 a month on spousal support and she pays 200.00 a month for a cool customized apartment in Pennsylvania. Now she wants to come over here to Florida and pay 700.00 a month of rent . I tried to help her for two months straight asking her what she was willing to pay for rent and how much she has saved. Then she was constantly dodging those ?’s. So I said how do you expect me to help you if you don’t let me help you. Then she tried to go over me by saying, we’ll talk about those things when I get there. I said no! Bcuz that was just the way it is supposed to be in order for me to know where to look and find a place that was within her budget.but she is known to make everything so difficult. We’ve been in Florida for a year and a half but when we were in Pennsylvania,she was still going through her divorce and she asked me to help her look for an apartment. I did for a whole week. I bought the newspaper every single day and took her all over the county literally. Then at the end of the week I find out from her own sister that she felt bad for her and I said the same but to my surprise and dismay it was really because she never had ant money to begin with bcuz she didn’t get her spousal support at that time yet. She never apologized for making me go through that.I told my husband that it’s not that I don’t want to help her it’s just that she makes things so hard. Even the rest of her kids feel the same.Now she wants to use the Christianity card by saying that it’s my duty and has my husband doing the same thing. When she wad here I treated her like royalty. Took her where she wanted to go scavenger what she wanted. But when my parents came my husband was making their stay s living Hellboy saying that if they don’t go to church they r going to hell. He is so confused to cuz he acts one way in church and then like an ogre at home. It’s like he just wants to go to church and perform and be fake. I’m just not happy anymore because I feel like I’m being a hypocrite. My husband has seen so much from his mom throughout the years on being unfaithful that he thinks that all woman are the same. He’s never trusted me from the getgo and I had to spend my life proving myself to him. I’m at the point where I just want to give up on everything.He bases everything around his mom but he’s 41. I think ars about time to let go. I also tried putting my foot down recently that she’s been calling slot more lately especially at 6am and calling on the hour every hour. I told him how I felt about that and it turned into a big fight. I couldn’t handle it anymore do I had to put her in her place.I’m not saying that they can’t speak to each other or have contact. I’m just saying that she just needs to know her limits and her bounderies. I started getting counseling for this and its a shame that it had to come to this bcuz I just couldn’t get the respect that I needed as the woman if the house. Pleeeeease help!!!!!!!

  83. Diane

    What is the definition of a “mixed emotion”?

    Watching your MIL drive off a cliff in your new car.

  84. Natasha

    At present I’m going through divorce proceedings with my husband. I say husband rather than ex husband because it still feels like we’re married. We both love eachother but his mothers interference has destroyed our marriage. She has spread malicious gossip about me to all his friends and family.
    Encouraged his excessive drinking, and claiming it is him “letting off steam”. And that he has (had) a stressful job and he’s entitled to behave the way he does when drunk .. That being, to stay out till early hours in the morning or coming back days after.. Or being abusive when drunk..
    She’s controlling- she’s controlled our finances, his properties, his car. He won’t let Him buy anything. She has to buy it. She justified her having his credit cards to stop me him or me spending beyond our means.. That would mean I would have to wait till late in the afternoon for her to come to the house with money from his account to buy our young baby (at that time) nappies, formula and food .. Unless she bought it.
    I believe stole my wedding jewellery- as they went missing whilst I was out of the house and missing whilst she was at our home.
    She wouldn’t let me decorate our own house to make it our own home.
    Her lies have made a damaging impact on how his friends and family see me ..
    She’s incredibly manipulative.
    She told me over text (after I had text her asking if she could give notice of when she would be staying with us so I could ensure we had everything ready for when she stays) that “a ring doesn’t mean anything”, “blood is thicker than water”.
    “We don’t have to live together to be a married couple”.. And well I had 3 days of non stop texts like that .. I showed my husband because i was stunned .. It caused us to have a huge argument because he accepted what his mum said, he hit me twice .. Whilst I was pregnant. So I left.
    We reconciled on & off.. I suffered soo much stress from the drama, I miscarried 3 times during our marriage. Even saw texts messages from her that I was too unhealthy to carry a child. He wouldn’t be able to have a child with me and we should divorce.
    We eventually had a successful pregnancy and have a little boy together. But almost two years on from his birth, we are divorcing. Early stages of divorce she tried to enforce her rights as a grandparent .. But having found out whilst the court had undergone their standard checks, my husband has a record of violence, drunken behaviour etc, so it was agreed our son to live with me and agreed set days for him to spend time with our son (which he doesn’t stick too).
    And since the divorce, found out she had put a “charge” on our marital home from debt he had accumulated from his mother before we married. Even though he had been earning over £100000’s per year for a number of years. And the charge was put on the property when we had formally separated. And also he had been transferring money from his account to her personal account every month for years ..
    In the last month, he’s quit his recent job (consisted of 6 hours per week) that was giving him a stable wage due to “depression”. I’m not a psychologist but I would say since he moved back to live with his mum 18 months ago, her controlling behaviour has made a significant impact on his health also.

    But standard to the above comments, She never behaved This way before we married. And he seemed to be an independent guy, with an infectious fun loving personality. But soon as we married, everything changed.
    I still don’t understand her and why she’s done the things she has. But he hasn’t stood by me (maybe at times a bit) but he is the only one that could stop her behaving the way she does, but he hasn’t and won’t. There is nothing I can do.. I either carry on being in this type of marriage and let it kill me or I give up on my wedding vows to live a life.

    But anyway he’s still the father of my child and I do care about him. But after everything we have both been through, this divorce (even though messy thanks to her) is the only way I can now see a happy future for our son & i. And I pray to God, rid of her bullshit. And I pray to God he realises the kind of person she is, and is able to be independent and truly happy. For most, he is able to have a normal relationship with his mother.

  85. Greg

    My mother is like this with me and it’s harming my wife my mother does not accept my Step children which to me are my own she’s says horrible thing to get my attention this is the mother that physically harmed me so many times in the 1970s but today refuses to believe it happen, she’s hate my wife because she’s no1 and acts like a 5 year when we don’t come over enough to see her… My wife is hopeless with my family and almost never can be bothered spending time with the people I love at time I dream about been single again!! All I can say is we could have tired to have visited mum more offen and my wife and I could try to call more too. I could say too that my wife needs to try to understand that my mums not without fault and nor are we love shouldn’t judge anyone for that matter. But sadly the more I try to put the band aids on the more my mother rips them off and know my wife won’t even try anymore I just wish
    they would both be mates and get on for a least the man they both love but no….. That’s life God nor nature will change there arrogant ideologys…. As for God and praying I’ll say one thing the rocks I’m walking on cut my feet I’m sorry but I can only see my bloody foot prints marriage is overrated and so are mothers…. That’s life and that’s love forever a lag on my soul. I was once married to the Army she made me a man and loved me gave me new brothers and gave me prepose I sadly miss leaving her boots and all.

  86. Wife

    Seriously.. why do men behave like this? If they really love their mother soo very much then they should not have get married.. such a mommy’s pet my husband is.. getting frustrated and irritated day by day.. everyone loves their parents and ofcourse everyone should love their parents .. even I love my parents.. but after getting married, our priorities have to change.. you should accept that fact that you are married to a woman who is your soulmate now.. my husband talks to his mom daily for minimum 1 hour on phone.. I’m not at all exaggerating.. seriously.. minimum 1 hour each and every single day.. I don’t know what is there to talk hours and hours together.. at the same time he has nothing to talk with me..

  87. The Husband

    Thank you all for your comments. I would like to chime in from the other side. Thanks to my amazingly patient wife, I am now very aware that my mother is a narcissist and has been all of my life.

    My marriage has only been two years but it has barely survived. As much as I love my wife, I still have dependence on my mother. She has fostered this dependence by many methods listed above; guilt, snide remarks and looks towards my wife, feeding my depression, and refusing to accept my wife as her daughter. Yes, I know that this dependence is WRONG and I hate seeing my wife in pain over it, but I still struggle to cleave.

    As a child I lost my father to heart disease. This started an unhealthy relationship to form between us. I was a surrogate husband, and she was my everything. As I grew, she taught me that I could do no wrong. Lying, poor grades, low self esteem were all just “who he is.”

    Now as an adult I am still just a child in her eyes, which is just how she wants it. Being vulnerable makes me easy to manipulate, and which in turn gives her the power that she wants.

    So now I’m at a crossroads. I can either give my mother what she wants, ending my meriage, or I can stand up and set boundaries so I can give my wife the husband she deserves. I choose the latter. I am contacting a therapist and ending this poisonous relationship with my mother.

    Hopefully I will return with more advice. Until then, thank you all for the help.

    • The middle

      Hi I would love to know if you have any updates as a fellow husband in this situation. My marriage is also 2 years, and my parents separated when I was young (although my dad is still around, so sorry to hear you lost your Dad). Did the therapist help, or are there any conversations/ways to psyc myself up you can suggest?

  88. Nicole

    Reading these posts has made me feel so much better. I can honestly say that I resent my husband’s mother so much that I can no longer see a future with my husband. My husband is 48 years old and this is his second marriage (mine too). He visits his mother every morning for a cup of tea and a cigarette before work. Again during the day (he drives around seeing customers all day but is bored with his job) and then AGAIN after work on many occasions. This is by his own admission. He refuses to believe that their relationship is in any way obsessive or weird. I call it co-dependent. She is twice-divorced – not at all surprising, given her outstandingly awful personality (yes, I’m aware of the irony of my statement, considering I will probably also soon be twice-divorced). She is a chain-smoker, scared of driving, is a compulsive hoarder, has numerous (real or imaginery?) health issues, lives in a crumbling smelly house and appears to like no-one apart from her own children and grandchildren and one aging cousin. She hated my husband’s first wife and she hates me. She also bitches about her daughter’s husband behind their backs. She sulked and scowled her way through our wedding, didn’t even congratulate us and then denied it to my husband when he asked her why. She chose not to come to our home on Christmas Day when everyone else (both families) were going to be there for lunch. I feel that she sees my husband as her own substitute-husband and his daughter as their child together. I told him that he is encouraging this sick fantasy by visiting her as often as he does. To make things worse, he isn’t even honest about the time he spends with her. He has in the past totally lied about it, saying he hasn’t seen her that day, and then later tripped himself up and it comes out that he actually had visited but he’d ‘forgotten’ when I asked him. It affects the way I feel about him big-time. I used to think he was amazing but now I just see a big mummy’s boy who can’t tear himself away and it makes me sick. It’s not jealousy, although he says I’m jealous. It is resentment, so much resentment, that he chooses to spend so much time with someone who clearly hates me (he is a jealous, insecure man – he admits it – and I am certain that were I to spend so much time with someone who openly disliked/hated him, he would be very unhappy about it). I also resent that when he is with her, he leaves his phone in the car so I can’t contact him. I’ve told him all of this but all he can say is that I’m more important than she is and I’m just jealous. Something else that is part of this is that he told me several months ago that he was giving up smoking. I was so happy and proud of him for doing something so difficult (he’s smoked for 30+ years). From time to time I’ve asked him how it’s going, and how long since he’s had a cigarette and he always says things like ‘months’ or ‘weeks’ but often I thought I smelt it on him and I asked whether he’d had one – the answer was always ‘No! You’re dreaming, you’re on drugs, you’re on fantasy island’. Then I find out, because he was SEEN by my sister, that he is lying through his teeth to me and has been for months. I associate this with his mother also as smoking is one of the things they have in common. It pees me off so much that he was around there smoking his head off with her, lying to me about it and probably feeling so smug. I am now at the point where I would like him to pack a big suitcase and go live with his mother full-time if that’s what will make them both happy. He says he still loves me (like I’m the one who’s done something wrong) and wants to be married to me but actually I don’t have any feelings towards him anymore apart from anger. His mother is not to blame for our problems but their relationship has become very much a reason for how I now feel about him. I think she’s damaged him (he is repressed and a very angry man who hides his true feelings with mockery and sarcasm). She had a breakdown when he was growing up and I believe she was on anti-depressants and he got used to a woman being a monotone and now expects me to be a monotone and not show emotion – this is probably why he always accuses me of starting an argument when I see it only as a discussion or an exchange of ideas or opinions. In his view so it would seem, showing emotion or excitement or passion about something = being angry. She has a lot to answer for. I still consider my ex-husband’s mother to be my MIL – I am so thankful that we’re still in contact and still have a loving relationship. Ha ha, I even told my ex-husband about my current husband visiting his mother so often and my ex was horrified! I’m pretty sure that the relationship between my husband and his mother is unusual/obsessive and I am not making too big a deal of it and as I said – reading other peoples’ posts about their MIL experiences has confirmed that! Thanks all!

  89. Elaine J

    Reading all the negative comments regarding MILs is really sad. All these women complaining about their MILs and wanting them to not be involved in their son’s life unless it under their terms is painful. When I read their posts…all I read is controlling behavior from them as well. However, it’s ok for many of these women to talk to their mother everyday, go shopping and spend all holidays with their family. It’s ok for women to be a Momma’s girl and continue their closeness. This is really sad. These MILs are talked about as if the did not work night and day to raise a great man that these women adore. Yes, some go overboard, but so do mother’s of girls as well. However, most boyfriends or husbands welcome this closeness because they are not petty. Shame on all of you and if you are raising a son…karma will be your friend. MILs or mothers, just sit back and watch these women work hard and give up everything to raise their sons and don’t say one word when they cry because some new women comes into their son’s life and wants to remove their sons from them or her family. Let me just say this to these women, there is a saying; “a daughter is a daughter for life…a son is a son until he finds a girlfriend or wife”….because women always want to take them away due to their selfish ways. How is it ok for son’s to walk out of their mother’s life because there are some challenges but it’s disgraceful for a mother to walk away from her child for a man. If I have to lose my child (son) for a man, I need to perhaps rethink my relationship. I want my significant other or husband to have a close relationship with his mother…I want them to continue to have their time together, just like women can do with their mother. I met a women one day at an event. She told me how she loves her daughter’s husband and her daughter does not like or want her husband’s mother to come visit or be in his life. However her daughter wants her husband to be fully involved with her mother and in her family’s life…. they don’t like his family at all. Then this women proceeded to say, “I love my son-in-law and I do so much with them but do not want his mother around.” I could not believe what she was saying because I have a son and she would be saying to me that I should not be included in my son’s life but they are more important and they are welcome in their home but I’m not. News flash… some of you women come and go…a mother is a mother for life…so be careful!!! I would be very careful of a man who could walk out of his mother’s life so easy, what does that say about walking out of your life. If my son allowed his girlfriend or wife to talk about me the way some of you are talking about your husband or man’s mother…I would give you to him and wish you both a happy life. Also, he should not allow me to talk about his wife or girlfriend and MILs should not be messy as well. I’m amazed how some of the women write as if they are victims and not contributing to the problem. It takes two to tangle. I’m thinking about the post where the wife talked so badly about the MIL and how the MIL calls and want to talk all the time and she does not have time for the MIL, but mentioned she had to move her father in due to his illness and her husband should be ok with the difference she is making between his mother and her father…really!! I don’t have time for this nonsense…Women work so hard to make sons the men that you adore and I see too many women working so hard to block a mother’s love for her son. Also in fairness, MILs it is not our job to raise our sons for life. You have to know when to let go…but you should always be able to have a close relationship with your son…just like daughters can have with their mothers. MILs get out your son’s life and get busy living. If you do, you wont have time to become over involved in his life or be involved with such inconsiderate and selfish women. But you have earned every right to be able to continue to have a close relationship with your son but respect the life he has with his wife.

  90. Jason Loeb

    Recently figured out my mom is a narcissistic. The only problem my wife and I argue about. I have 3 siblings I am the oldest. Mom plays victim all the time talks so much crap to my siblings about my wife. It got to the point that my family is disowning me because we are not allowing alone time with my 2 year old. Mainly because my mom shows no empathy or respect to my wife. My sister just told me I am not invited to her wedding, basically due to the feelings of my mom and how I do not back my mom. We were maybe too close of a family, ever since I met my wife they see me as disloyal, mind you nobody is officially married or has kids.

  91. The middle

    I’m the son, I know my mother makes my wife unhappy, and honestly she makes my wife unhappy because she stresses me out and makes me unhappy. This has been how she is for the last 8/9 years. She wasn’t always like this, so I keep holding onto the hope that I can have an ideal family in the future, but if I don’t seperate my mother from the family my wife will stay unhappy, or leave, neither of which I want. So now I’m trying to find a way to tell my Mum that I can’t have her around anymore. Even though I still remember her from before some traumatic events happened in her life. We were very close. I want to do the right thing by everyone, but it’s not realistic anymore, and it hurts. Advice appreciated .

  92. Disgusted wife

    Thank you for your article. I am beyond frustrated in my marriage. I dated my husband for 12 years and we are now married for 3.

    The first time I met my husband’s mother she did not like me since she had liked his previous girlfriend who would bend over backwards trying to please her. They were together for many years until they eventually broke up. I used to visit my husband and always ensured that I greeted his mother even though she just turned her head in the opposite direction and never acknowledged me. Eventually I refused to go by him anymore and he claimed he had several talks with her expressing that I was the one he was going to get married to and she needed to start getting along with me and it took years but eventually she did. She is in her 70’s and fighting cancer for 15 years now. She has done chemo 5 times and only because of this I was compassionate towards her and agreed to live on the same compound on the condition that we must have our own space. Especially since she walks around the house disgustingly and loudly passing gas through all of her orifices all day every day. Very shocking for me since I have never so much as heard my parents burp.

    For the first 3 months that we were married we lived in his room while our place was being completed and it was the worst 3 months of my life. It was very apparent that she had no respect for me or for our marriage. She always walked into the room for no reason whenever my husband was not at home, she would remake the bed the way she preferred when I was in the shower she would try to get me to run errands for her every day, she would come in to sweep the floor and open the windows and take off the ac. My husband was upset when I complained to him and ironically she would never open the door and walk in when he was there. Eventually I got tired of it and started to hide out by my parents so I wouldn’t have to deal with her.

    As a newly married wife I noticed that my husband walked in his underwear in front of her and she walked in hers in front of him and I was completely disgusted! I talked to my husband about it and he did not talk to me for 3 days!!! I tried explaining to him by asking if he would be comfortable with me walking in my underwear in front of my dad. Mind you she would be comfortably talking to him in her underwear until I walked in the room then she would say ooops and cover herself from me.

    We finally moved into our own space on the same compound in time for Christmas. His mother was most upset that she did not have a key to our place and demanded one which he refused her. But it was just a door that separated us and that door used to be another entrance to her house so my husband assured me that he took the spare key from her as well. One day while I was in the shower I heard her calling and I grabbed a towel and ran outside. As I opened my bedroom door I ran straight into a pest control guy who she let into my home using another spare she had obviously hidden. I was livid with anger and had it out with my husband over the phone as he was not at home.

    I eventually forgave her and found peace that I was in my own space again and he took that key from her as well. I started back being kind to her instead of avoiding her and even took her food on the days that I cooked, even though I would find it in her trash the day after. Still I forgave until one day almost 2 years ago when I came home from work and overheard her talking about me. I was extremely hurt and angry and my husband confronted her about it. When she saw me outside in the yard the next morning she passed me straight without greeting me because she was upset that I had told him and that he had confronted her. She lied to him and said it was not me she was talking about.

    We have not spoken in the last 2 years still she finds ways to aggravate me and strain our relationship. I started a home business making soaps which she was not aware of. My husband allowed me an unused tenant room to store my stocks and she found it one day because she decided to clean the tenants area which is their responsibility. She obviously had a key to the unused tenants room and called my husband to find out what the items were and he told her they were mine that she should leave them alone. One day not long after she discovered that those were my items I went to get some soap for a customer and found them all soaking wet. I bawled my eyes out and called him. I was inconsolable. He rushed home and questioned her and once again she lied and said it had rained perhaps the water had backed up through the shower drain pipe.

    She calls at ungodly hours early morning and late night and all the times in between. She had a semi stroke last year and was calling her son my husband 2-3 times a night to take her to the toilet. She has 2 daughters both with husbands and grown sons of their own. One lives less than 1 minute away from us. I simply cannot take this anymore. Sundays are the only days we sleep late and she calls 7 in the morning to get a lift to go to the temple. That’s another thing. She’s always fasting or doing prayers to give everyone the impression that she is religious and godly but yet this is how she treats me. She has also had situations with most of the neighbors as well as more than half of the family since none of them speak to her.

    I have told my husband on numerous ocassions that she did not raise him to be her son. She raised him as a surrogate husband since her husband died when my husband was just 10 and his both sisters married a long time ago. He was the last and lived here alone with her so she has become so attached to him and depends on him for every single thing. I am ready to start my own family but how can I bring a child into such a strained environment. I am also 40 years old I have spent 15 years of my life with this man and I feel helpless and hopeless. I get migraines every time I have to be in the same place as her even though she usually goes with her daughter and my husband and I go together. He tries but it is not enough. I feel so lost and so very angry.

    I will also add that my parents understand and accept that I am married and that it is not their place to call or check up on me every single day. We visit my parents together every Sunday for a couple hours and they both treat him like a son. My mom cooks him things she knows he loves. Both my parents feel comfortable enough to call him at any time if they ever think he can help them. They also call him to wish him happy birthday every year. His mother had never once in 15 years wished me a happy birthday even though I used to be the one to remind my husband it was his mothers birthday and always wished her happy birthday.

    He also gets extremely agitated if he thinks that I have told anyone about these things because he insists that this is his business but I disagree. If it affects me it is my business too and I know that I am not the only one who can see that something is terribly wrong with this relationship.

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