Are You Being ‘Guilted’ By Someone You Love?

1024px-SM_Guilty

Are you being ‘guilted’ by someone you love? This occurs when the person you love leverages your experience and/or actions with guilt. “If you don’t give me what I need, my life will fall apart!” “Please don’t leave, I’m nothing without you.” “If you see your friends tonight it will hurt my feelings.”

The act of ‘guilting’ involves making someone who loves you responsible for something he or she is not responsible for (blaming), along with the attached negative consequence of what is supposed to happen to the abusive lover if you don’t comply, and the implied guilt that is supposed to happen to you (victim) if you don’t comply. All three parts are required to use guilt as an emotional manipulation.

‘Guilting’ is most effective when the target of your guilt happens to love or care about you. If he or she will feel bad over the thought or image of you being subjected to dire consequences, he or she is susceptible to guilt. The introduction of ‘chronic guilting’ into a love relationship is a form of emotional abuse simply because it is a psychological corrosive that erodes a victim’s self-esteem as well as freedoms of choice and action.

Ultimately guilt is used to manipulate and control a lover. Common forms of guilt in a love relationship involve the absence of a realistic differentiation between a ‘guilter’s’ personal feelings and the victim’s personal feelings. The assumption being that the victim’s feelings can ‘magically’ create an abusive lover’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, with the victim being guilty of this effect if and when it takes place.

What gets left out of this interpersonal equation is the abusive lover’s own will, choices, and personal responsibility. The blame inherent in this projection of responsibility identifies the responsible person. Once that’s established, guilt is charged when the abusive lover determines that the evidence for the crime of ‘making’ the abusive lover think, feel, or do something unacceptable, is justified.

People who are easily ‘guilted’ are people who have been taught to be over-responsible in a love relationship. They were taught to be self-critical and this plays out in relationships as a pronounced tendency to feel guilty. ‘Guilters’ prey on these self-critical people. They can spot them a mile away. Abusers are attracted to their low self-esteem and a stronger than usual need for praise or acceptance.

Chronic ‘guilting’ is a sickness. It’s done as a psychological defense against a backdrop of very poor self-esteem. If I find you guilty of the things I would otherwise accuse myself of, I will experience a temporary reprieve from harsh self-judgments and personal loathing. The problem for the abusive lover occurs during those periods when they cannot find a victim for aggressive ‘guilting’ and forced to experience their true feelings about themselves alone.

The best way to fight ‘guilting’ is to remind yourself that you are not responsible for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. Along with that self-supervision, you want to turn down the ‘power’ another person’s words have over your emotions. Just because you are being held accountable for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and actions doesn’t mean it’s true.

Comments? Welcome. Dr. Tom Jordan

How GeometricBoxWebsite Design Company can help you – Know with us

One Response to Are You Being ‘Guilted’ By Someone You Love?

  1. Ashe

    I’ve been reading quite a bit about abuses in relationships. The concept of another person not being responsible for your feelings, actions and thoughts confuses me: especially when it comes to an abusive relationship. It confuses me because abusive people tend to provoke their victim in any way shape or form–just to get a reaction. It tends to be the first thing an abuser utters “I’m not responsible for how you think, act and feel.” They are provoking emotions in you, then minimizing their role, or ignoring you all together. All while you “say nothing” they tend to enjoy hurting you-in whatever way that is. When you sp am up? It’s like “wut? Not me. That is you.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Submit A Private Reply

Your Name*

Your Email*

Your Comment/Question

Anti-Spam Question

Love Life Learning Center – Disclaimers

The Love Life Learning Center online is a psycho-educational website/blog offering love life related psycho-educational materials and activities including free website/blog content, and audio downloads/podcasts and tele-seminars for sale, to individual users with a broad range of love life problems. Users are English-speaking adult men and women twenty-one (21) years of age and older.

Not Treatment

The Love Life Learning Center is a psycho-educational website/blog focused exclusively upon educating adult men and women about the psychology of love-life issues and problems. Our Love Life Learning Center’s psycho-educational materials and website/blog activities are not psychotherapy, counseling, or a mental health treatment or therapy of any kind, nor should a Love Life Learning Center’s psycho-educational materials or website/blog activities be used as a substitute for psychotherapy or other appropriate and necessary mental health treatments and services.

The Love Life Learning Center’s materials and website/blog activities are not a psychiatric treatment for psychiatric symptoms or illness, nor should any of our psycho-educational materials or website/blog activities be used as a substitute for appropriate and necessary psychiatric treatments and services.

The Love Life Learning Center’s materials and website/blog activities are not a medical treatment. Our psycho-educational materials and website/blog activities will not prevent, cure, or treat any kind of medical, psychiatric, or psychological illness or problem, nor should our psycho-educational materials or wbsite/blog activities be utilized as a substitute for appropriate and necessary medical treatments and services. If you are currently suffering from suicidal, homicidal, or psychotic symptoms, or mental illness of any kind you should seek appropriate psychiatric and/or psychotherapeutic services at a hospital or clinic in your area.

The Love Life Learning Center’s materials and website/blog activities are not an emergency or clinical service of any kind. The Love Life Learning Center does not guarantee that your love-life, love relationships, or dating experiences, general health, or well-being will improve or be positively affected by listening to and/or reading its psycho-educational materials or participating in its website/blog activities.

The use of e-mail correspondence or tele-seminar services or any other website/blog activities at the Love Life Learning Center website does not intend to be or portray it self to be nor should it be used as a substitute for a mental health therapy, counseling, or clinical treatment of any kind.

Responsibility

The Love Life Learning Center is not responsible for any real or imagined damages that occur as a consequence of reading or listening to our psycho-educational materials or audio downloads/podcasts or participating in any other activity at our website/blog.

The Love Life Learning Center is not responsible for any psychological distress or emotional upset purported to be caused by our psycho-educational materials read or listened to, free or purchased at our website/blog, or while participating in any activity at our website/blog.

Intentions

The Love Life Learning Center is a privately owned and operated online psycho-educational service and has no relationship to or connection with any offline agencies bearing the same name or a similar name that provide services to individuals with love-life problems or other topics related to or unrelated to love life issues, themes, or problems.
The Love Life Learning Center is a psycho-educational service exclusively for adult men and women who are 21 years old and older. This service is not intended for children, adolescents, and young adults under the age of twenty-one (21), with or without parental consent.

The Love Life Learning Center is a psycho-educational service with an exclusive focus on love-life problems, solutions, and general love-life learning issues. The Love Life Learning Center is not an adult oriented website for the purpose of fostering adult oriented sexual activities, sexual fantasies, or other related adult-oriented entertainment.

The Love Life Learning Center is not a dating or introductory service for men and women seeking dating, meeting, and/or networking experiences.

The Love Life Learning Center is not for the procurement of online cyber-sexual contact or as a prelude to offline sexual contact or relations.

Competence & Authorship

The Love Life Learning Center website/blog is owned and operated by T. M. Jordan, Ph.D., Psychologist, P.C. a New York State based corporation. The views espoused in the psycho-educational free text and audio downloads/podcasts available at the Love Life Learning Center website/blog solely reflect the views of its owners and operators. Individual users participating in any and all of the Love Life Learning Center’s website/blog activities are solely and exclusively responsible for their own written and/or verbally expressed love-life and/or not love life related viewpoints.

Confidentiality

Any person reading or listening to free and/or purchased psycho- educational materials or participating in any website/blog activities at the Love Life Learning Center is encouraged to remain anonymous except in the reporting of personal information for the purpose of making a credit payment. This personal information is utilized by our credit processing company for sales related activities and subject to their rules and regulations. The Love Life Learning Center cannot be held responsible for any intentional or unintentional breach of this agreement to remain voluntarily anonymous before, during, and after utilizing its free or for sale psycho-educational materials or while participating in any website/blog activities.

Indemnify

As a user of free or for sale psycho-educational materials or webite/blog activities at the Love Life Learning Center website/blog you agree to indemnify the Love Life Learning Center together with its corporate officers, agents, employees, affiliates, parent companies, representatives, directors, shareholders and service providers and hold them harmless from any and all claims, fees, including but not limited to reasonable counsel fees, costs, judgments, damages and causes of action arising from or related to your use of its psycho-educational materials and/or audio downloads/podcasts and/or any and all of its website/blog activities.

How GeometricBoxWebsite Design Company can help you – Know with us